Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

Remember how we had SUCH a cliffhanger last week when Kimberly the yoga instructor got all emosh and rolled back up to Chris and asked to talk? Well she blubbered out to him that they never got a chance to talk and that’s not how she would like this to end. Obviously all the girls who just received roses were really sympathetic to Kimberly and supportive of her decision to come back in. Just kidding, they talked shit the entire time and made her feel as unwelcome as possible. Chris feels bad because Kimberly is crying a lot and he asks Chris Harrison if it’s kosher to throw her a bone and let her come back for a second chance. Chris Harrison is like yeah the more brunettes that look exactly the same, the better…or something like that. And Kimberly the yoga instructor has effectively clawed her way back into the group.

The girls get their first group date invite and Chris showers outside in their driveway because PLOT TWIST: he lives in their driveway. The first date is a pool party and Chris shows up in a hooded sweatshirt unzipped at the top to show his pecs and I choke back vomit.

They play a healthy game of chicken fight where four girls are forced to team up and it’s clear that Chris hates them, then they parade through Hollywood in their bikinis to get to the “country” part of the date, a tractor race. While the most boring date in America is going down, Megan the makeup artist and Jillian the gym rat who apparently has her asshole hanging out because it’s blurred, sneak into Chris’s house…it’s UNLOCKED. They climb all over his motorcycle and Megan tries on his helmet and then runs around the house smacking her head into shit. I hope for her sake that she was day drinking and this isn’t one of her favorite pastimes.

Kardashian lookalike who is very well aware that she’s a Kardashian lookalike, Ashley wins the tractor race and gets some one on one time to sit in Chris’s lap atop a tractor and probably talk about makeup and selfies. Then Chris returns to the group and delivers his first shocking decision of the night when he picks Mackenzie for a one on one date. The girls justify this irrational decision by saying that Chris is just trying to make everyone feel like they have a fair chance even though they’ve all accepted that Mackenzie is the dud of the group who not coincidentally is also wearing overalls. Mackenzie exemplifies everything you should never do on a first date. First she calls out Chris for having having his ear pierced at one point. SPOT BLOWN UP. Chris lost many cool points for that one. She says she’s super observant of creepy things and now we all know she’s a serial killer. Then she tells Chris he has a big shnozz and that’s apparently her fetish. He’s offended and she pisses her pants because she thinks she’s so funny and backtracks and says it’s “prominent” not “big.” Then she brings up aliens quickly followed by “I haven’t been on a date in a LOOOOOOONG time.” It’s cause she has a son named Kale, she word vomits all onto Chris. He quickly wipes it up, clearly looks uncomfy and tells her he’s not scared of kids and they slow dance and kiss. Also she gets a rose. Mackenzie pulls out a small notepad and tallies all of her kisses with Chris that she later recounts for all the ladies who are wearing harsh fake smiles.

Second One on One Date with Megan the makeup artist.

Megan gets a one on one date with Chris despite the fact that she ran around his house ramming her head into hard surfaces. I have enough faith that if Chris saw that beforehand he would’ve opted out on the date, but that faith was crushed quickly with all of Chris’s poor decisions last night. Megan leaves for their date with her hair done up for the Oscars and an outfit that I definitely wore to an 8th grade dance, a pink wife beater and jeans. She clearly got tired after curling her hair and pulled a shirt out of her PJ drawer. Way to class it up for your future husband, girl. Megan & Chris are treated to a helicopter ride above the desert, the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. Chris took Mackenzie to a local pub and flew Megan across the Grand Canyon and landed for an intimate picnic. Bet Mackenzie’s ripping up her tallied kisses watching Chris dump all over their shitty date with this romantic outing. Megan squeezes Chris’s hand the whole time and I can’t help but be concerned for his circulation. On their picnic, Megan casually tells the story of how her being here happened so fast that slowly dwindled into her telling Chris that her Dad died. Apparently an award-winning storyteller, Megan leaves that part until the end and instead leads on a detail by detail telling of her dad’s whereabouts when he had a heart attack, what machinery the paramedics used on him, what his blood pressure was and what color sheets he had in his hospital room before she finally says that he passed away. Chris pretends to listen intently through all of this and is more likely going through everything he has eaten that day in his mind. He gives her a rose before she can tell him what suit her dad was buried in. They make out, obvs.

Second Group Date-Til Death Do Us Part

The girls are driven to an abandoned warehouse, a zombie scares them in the limo and they all get the physically closest they will ever be. Chris comes into the limo and everyone screeches and Kelsey cackles and suddenly I hate her just for one laugh. The date consists of shooting Zombies and then finding the beacon of light, video game style. Onion Pomegranate wants to shoot her teammates and everyone is concerned for her having a firearm, as they should be. There’s so much screaming it was like being in a bar with a bunch of woo girls. Onion Pomegranate (OP for short) is shooting zombies who are already dead, just further confirming that she’s unhinged. Then she goes off into OP land and starts rambling about angels and a big boom. Everyone tries way too hard to understand her when they should be ignoring her. Then OP sneaks up on Chris and he treats her like a mental patient who has escaped the psych ward, asking her several times in a slow enunciated tone if she’s okay. She’s not sure what planet she’s on so the producer that is on stand-by in case she slits Chris’s throat drops onion pieces to lead her to bed for the night.

Once the crazy has been tucked in, Britt and Chris share a moment where Britt reiterates that she thinks Chris is her boyfriend and he responds by giving her a coupon for a free kiss. Cause like free displays of affection are an inside joke for them, or Britt’s actual career but whatever. Katelynn and Chris also have some one on one time where Katelynn reveals that she recently dated someone who moved a lot and she decided that she didn’t want to put her life on hold for a guy again…so she promptly put her life on hold for a guy when she joined the Bachelor cast. Makes sense. Katelynn gets the rose and Britt cries herself to sleep because her boyfriend is cheating on her.

Group Social

The betches all gather again in cheap club dresses to edge more time in with Chris before he makes his rose decisions for the night. Whitney surprises Chris with a bottle of liquor, she not so discreetly reminds Chris that her brother in law is from Iowa and gives a toast that’s way too long for someone with an ear shattering voice. KardASHLEY tells Mackenzie she’s a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, Mackenzie is SUUUUUPER jelly and won’t let it go–Probably because a kid walked out of her vagina at the ripe age of 20. KardASHLEY feels the need to see Chris again and let him know that although she hasn’t had sex she can still do OTHER things (wink), she shows Chris her belly button ring with a magic lamp charm and Chris gets three wishes on her trashy piece of jewelry from Spencer Gifts. Chris wishes he could kiss her and has to rub her magic lamp. (That’s the first sentence that I didn’t exaggerate and I wish that I did.) She’s an eat your face kind of kisser and it looks real messy. My money’s on a sex tape before the end of this year from KardASHLEY, for obvious reasons.

Britt may have been the only one who got a written note with Free Kiss, but the rest of the ladies hopped right on that train as Chris tongued every girl in the house. But he’s looking for THE ONE, so it’s okay guys. Jordan the sloppy drunk student wants in on that big spit swap orgy and fixes her lipstick, downs another shot then hits him up for a makeout. She’s this week’s slob kebab and makes everything awkward and then announces that it’s awkward because that’s the quickest way to make it 1000x worse. This is the first time I see Chris turn down a smooch.

Rose Ceremony:

Mackenzie, Megan and Katelynn have roses from before, Britt & KardASHLEY are called next (cause he obviously has them pegged to be polite, chaste ladies who wait until marriage…just kidding these are all the easiest biddies and Prince Farming has some fantasy suite plans in the works). He calls out to Juelia and Jillian/Man Shoulders starts walking. He firmly repeats that he called Juelia and Jillian catches her 6 inch stiletto from Deb on the carpet and almost wipes out. She recovers smoothly by laughing like a maniac while everyone covers their eyes and reveals that if they were her they’d probably just kill themselves. Unfortunately she is also given a rose later on after he makes her sweat it out and question why she ever is allowed out in public. The last person that I recall getting a rose is OP and it literally disgusts me to have to type this. Our very own Prince Farming picked the girl who has multiple personalities and probably mixes vicodin with her gin and tonics every night… clearly just for ratings. If she isn’t out by next week I will sincerely be disappointed in this hunk of man meat.

Tara, Alissa, Jordan, Kimberly are sent home for sure. THE REST IS A BLUR.

Cringeworthy Moment(s) of the Week:

Juelia shares that she has a daughter, Ireland and was married to Ireland’s dad. She then reveals to these women that she doesn’t know at all and are looking for weaknesses to undercut her, that her husband committed suicide right after she had the baby. Juelia is all tears and just wants to find the right moment to unload this all on Chris who will most definitely handle it really well. Samantha the fashion designer stares at Juelia and puts a limp hand on her shoulder to comfort the sobbing girl. And it just felt genuine, you know? Coming in at a close second for most cringeworthy moment is Jordan getting sloppy drunk, twerking on the wall and then going on a tyrant about Jillian’s hairy ass, which makes me wonder how often these girls have seen each other naked in the two days they’ve lived together.

Best Quotes of the Week:

“I know what he means by show me your country and he’s gonna see it” -Tara, most likely referring to the bottle of Jim Beam she has stashed in her bikini top. Girl never rides a tractor without Jim.

“I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”-Megan before her date with Chris and also a not so subtle hint at how she would like her first date with Chris to end. HEYYOOO. K that was dirty. Sorry. Not.

“The most beautiful blue eyes in North America.”-Chris to Megan at their Grand Canyon picnic. He quickly backtracked and was like I mean California, I mean in this Canyon. SMOOOTH lines, Corn Boy.

“Your leather smells really great.”-OP/Ashley S. right before she cut a chunk of Chris’s leather jacket with her switchblade and put it in her secret box underneath her bed full of cat fur and pomegranates.

“We’re all talking about having the same boyfriend.”-Britt as she cries about her boyfriend cheating on her and giving out MAD free kisses.

“I’m never anybody’s number one”-Tara right after she was DUMPED by Chris. Girl, you’ll always have Jim Jack and Johnny. And your sport fishing career.

That’s it for this week! I look forward to more tonsil hockey and monitoring of Ashley S’s meds next week. Until then I leave you with the best picture Google has ever given me for a blog.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

The stakes are high as the first legit awards show of the season and my judgements will be harsh. I make no apologies and must reiterate that I literally know nothing about high fashion and these are all my sassy opinions formed after one glance. I also feel compelled to point out that while these women probably starve themselves 90% of the time in preparation for these few moments walking a red carpet, I am sitting on my couch, unshowered, shoving pizza into my mouth and telling them that they look ugly. All the credibility in the world, obviously.

Worst Dressed:

Alan Cumming in a skin tone suit. Yuck.

Amanda Peet looking like she wrapped herself in a bedsheet. Not flattering.

I guess this is very Bill Murray…slob kebab style.

Claire Danes borrowed her gammy’s dress.

Jemima Kirke looking like she stepped out of the 1990’s, only thing missing is butterfly clips and foam platforms.

Jessica Chastain with untasteful cleavage and gold lamé.

Hey Kate Mara, this could’ve been on the best dressed if you didn’t throw in that stupid belt.

Katie Cassidy leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Do less.

Keira Knightley. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Wins worst look of the night, year, possibly ever.

This is so blah, baggy and unflattering. Also off the shoulder is so 80’s duhz, Kristen Wiig.

This looks like a shitty bridesmaid dress. Also Lena Dunham always looks like frumpmaster frump.

Lorde in the baggy pants suit. (She probably borrowed that crop from her cheerful bestie Tay)

BLAH BLAH BLAH. We all know I think Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like the homely aunt at every public event. (her and Lena must be attending the same wedding circa 1992)

Maria Menunous with boob patterns and slicked back hair.

I read somewhere that Melissa McCarthy recently lost like 50lbs…this outfit does NOT show that. Also, waitress.

Rosamund Pike wearing a spaghetti strap dress that is just too much and makes her look top slops.

Taryn Manning in a literal trash bag.

Cotton Candy nightmare for Zosia Mamet.

Somewhere In Between:

The Clooneys make their red carpet debut and it’s lackluster. The dress is just fine..the gloves are stupid. ARE YOU ABOVE US OR SOMETHING, AMAL?

Is Eddie Redmayne wearing a velvet suit? Kinda lame. His wife’s dress is pretty so that’s how they landed in the middle.

I’ve seen G look fresher. Not cray about the mermaid bottom.

Miss Golden Globe Greer Grammar kind of looks like she bought this from a prom dress store.

Jen!! Hair down. Always.

Meh=Matthew’s scraggly beard, the top half of Camila’s dress.

I truly hate to knock my favorite hosts of all time, but these outfits are not doing it for me. Fingers crossed for some improvements in the many outfit changes during the show.

Best Dressed:

Real Talk: Has Adam Levine ever not looked bangin? Answer: No.

Adrian Grenier owning that plum suit.

Allison Tolman in a tasteful black chic gown.

Red came in hot tonight and Allison Williams looked old Hollywood glam.

Good color, simple and classy.

Not in love with the hair on Anna Kendrick but the dress is on point.

Catherine Zeta Jones in the classic red ball gown.

Hottest couple looking perf.

Anna Faris stepped it up and she’s not even hosting this one. Pratt looks good without trying.

Chrissy Teigen looking like a smoke with a sassy pony.

Dakota Johnson with the classic disco ball dress. Still not hot enough to be in 50 Shades but I digress.

David Oyelowo with a SNAZZY patterned metallic suit.

Pacey and Diane Kruger killing it as always.

Ellie Kemper pulls off the sparkly patterned dress and red lip.

Emily Blunt looks like a greek goddess.

Emmanuelle Chiriqui legit does not age.

Gina Rodriguez from the CW show I thought would be cancelled, loving the fringey bottom of the basic black.

JLo still on a mission to remind everyone that she may be 45 but she sure don’t look it. Legs and tits for days.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, another one who never looks her age.

I respect the hell out of this NYE party frock.

Kate Beckinsale almost won fave look of the night but the bun didn’t complete the look for me.

KATE HUDSON. BOOB. JOB. SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE.

COULD KATHERINE HEIGL BE SKINNIER? DAMN.

Katie Holmes looks like she did in the Dawson’s finale and I LOVE it.

I hate this dress so much that I love it. I can’t even explain that.

Good color on Leslie Mann.

Lupita kills red carpets. Always on fleek (the kids are saying that these days…)

Mouth wateringly handsome. ALWAYS. Bomer jams. Amirite?!

Naomi Watts with a super cool snake necklace and another great yellow.

Natasha Lyonne doing simple and elegant.

Hate the hair, love the dress.

Red sweeping the red carpet. No coincidence.

And naturally the most coveted of honors-the winner of my fave look of the night is… A TIE.

NEVER though my fave look would be a jumpsuit but I LOVE this look, even the capey thing in the back. Emma Stone kept it simple with jewels and hair and let the sparkle top do the talkin.

Reese Witherspoon had a big year with films and looks GR8 in this simple slimming gown. Less is more (also can you tell I’m into the sparkles?)

Television

Golden Globes Recap

Did I have unreasonably high expectations for this year’s Golden Globes because Amy and Tina have killed it for two years now? Yes, yes I did. I poured myself a tall glass of wine (red…because I’m an adult now) and settled in for some LOL’s with people I pretend are my close friends. I’m gonna have to admit that the monologue was funny with some jokes that crushed it, but overall I don’t think this was their best one. Probably because it was their last and they mailed it in but let’s break it down.

The Monologue:

The focus of their jokes right off the bat were North Korea, unfortunately but at least they got a few jabs at the shitty movie that started this drama “The Interview”, Amy thanked North Korea for “forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.” While discussing the big movies up for awards, Amy & Tina pointed out that there was a live painting of Big Eyes in the audience as the camera panned to Emma Stone. Emma proved to be the good sport of this year’s awards and hammed it up, taking the joke like a champ. The gals explain what cake is to the starving actresses of Hollywood and say that it’s something women who admit that they have aged get on their birthday. It wouldn’t be an awards show without mention of Clooney and his new other half, Tina lists all of Amal’s impressive accomplishments and then knocks Clooney because HE’S the one receiving a lifetime achievement award. Since these two goons have been friends for “50 years”, they play their fave game Who Would You Rather with celebs and it’s perfect and full of sex puns. Amy picking Mark Ruffalo and saying “I like it ruffalo” for the win. The Theory of Everything is summed up in one sentence by Amy, “A crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.” Who doesn’t love that? Then we get into some Bill Cosby rape jokes, which apparently made everyone uncomfy but I thought it was hilarious. Describing Into the Woods, “Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.” followed by Tina and Amy doing their best Bill Cosby impressions was probably the highlight of the whole monologue. I can always get down with offensive jokes. They wrapped it up with a little call and response cheer with the crowd and I still want to be friends with them a whole lot. (Watch Full Monologue here)

Highs:

-On the E! Red Carpet when both Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic couldn’t find their chill around Amal & Clooney. Ryan debuted a stupid shirt that said Game Over with a bride and groom and said it was Clooney’s wedding gift. Giuliana tried to get them to do a tequila shot with her and they were both like no thanks and she took one anyway and was super concerned afterward that Clooney still liked her. Slobberfest.

-The tables at the awards are basically on top of each other and watching women in heels maneuver that like a maze, especially when coming from the cheap seats in the back was entertaining.

-Either the A/C wasn’t working or everyone there had the liquor sweats because the shine factor was 1 billion and it was great seeing all those hours of glam squad go to waste. They literally showed someone paper toweling their face at one point.

-Apparently Jen Aniston almost flashed her RB curtains while getting up to present the first award but I wasn’t paying attention so basically it didn’t happen.

-JLo and Jeremy Renner present an award together and Jenny from tha block asks Jeremy if she should open the envelope because she has the nails (obv.) and Renner quips “You’ve got the globes too.” ZINGGGG. JLo looked offended and uncomfy but like you don’t almost show nip and then act surprised when someone calls you out for it. Own it gurl.

– Matthew Bomer wins for The Normal Heart (I SAW THIS!!!) and thanks his husband and kids and apologizes for being a grumpy bitch who weighed LESS THAN ME when he watched them eat pizza while preparing for this role. Also I drooled the whole time he was onstage.

-“Famous people are above the law, as it should be.”-Ricky Gervais

-Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader present Best Screenplay and botch famous movie quotes with terrible impressions. They’re basically just goofing together with funny voices and I literally cannot get enough of it. This makes up for the shitty North Korea never-ending joke. (Watch Here)

-Clooney crushed his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement award, making it obvious why everyone constantly slobbers all over him. Best moments include: “Now that we’ve all been hacked, we can apologize face to face for all the snarky things we said”, “80% of the people in this room don’t win and then you’re a loser.”(he points out that everyone there is awesome and amazing and if you’re not there you actually are a loser), “It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love. Amal, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.” This time she wasn’t blabbing and was actually paying attention, which was nice.

-John Legend & Common win for Best Original Song and are giving a touching speech about how relevant the movie Selma is, they show Chrissy Teigen in the crowd with frozen cry face. Twitter was ALL over that. Obviously so was Chrissy and she defended herself by saying she doesn’t practice her cry face.

-Ruth Wilson wins for best actress in The Affair and thanks a co-star by saying, “Your ass is something of great beauty.” Brits make swearwords sound so elegant and I’m supes jelly.

-I’m 99% sure that Julianne Moore madeout with Matthew McConaughey when she accepted her award.

-Eddie Redmayne wins best Actor for Theory of Everything and shouts it out to his fresh wife in his acceptance speech, they’re honeymooning at the Globes. Ah, young Hollywood love, how adorbsies.

-Jared Leto with the man braid, completely upstaging his previously famous man bun.

Lows:

-Amy & Tina do a North Korea bit with Margaret Cho as a North Korean and its suuuuper racist and just as played out as the Pizza joke of last year’s Oscars.

-The stars of Fifty Shades of Grey present an award together and have about as much chemistry as two pieces of bread.

-Prince presents best original song and never fails to creep me the F out. He’s wearing a gold textured suit with cane and signature circle colored sunglasses aka the product of my nightmares. The crowd loses their shit for him though, apparently he’s really loved.

-Katherine Heigl tried out some internet dating jokes about the male nominees with David Duchovny and I could actually hear the crickets. It’s become comical how much Hollywood hates her.

-Julianna Marguiles & Don Cheadle present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Clooney, compete who is better friends with him. It’s pretty awkward and apparently Amal, her highness agrees cause she gets caught yapping away during their “speech”. The following montage makes me realize I’ve seen like two things Clooney is in, which is pretty embarrassing on my part.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal wins and is soooo boring and blaaaahhh and talks about what turns her on and the only thing that makes this speech worth watching is because they show Jake in the audience a whole lot.

-Michael Keaton wins best actor for Birdman and catches a case of the rambles and also a case of the cries as he talks about his best friend and barely chokes out that it’s his son. Also gives us a full family history and his name is actually Michael Douglas? Did I hear that right or did I doze off during this four hour speech? Feel free to correct me if you stayed awake.

-The Globes are known as the most fun awards show because the booze is flowing and yet no one got sloppy drunk and embarrassed themselves or slurred a funny speech. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Full List of Winners:

Best Supporting Actor-JK Simmons, Whiplash

Best Supporting Actress in TV-Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Best Miniseries/TV Movie-Fargo

Best Actor in Miniseries-Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Best Actress in TV- Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

Best Comedy- Transparent

Best Original Score-Johann Johannsson, Theory of Everything

Best Original Song- Glory- Common, John Legend (Selma)

Best Supporting Actor Miniseries, TV Movie- Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Best Actress in Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical)- Amy Adams, Big Eyes

Best Animated Film-How to Train Your Dragon 2

Best Supporting Actress in Motion Picture- Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Best Screenplay- Birdman (buncha foreigners)

Best Actor in Comedy, Musical TV- Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Foreign Language Film-Leviathan, Russia

Actress Miniseries/Movie- Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honourable Woman

Best TV series/Drama- The Affair

Actor TV Series, Drama- Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Cecil B. DeMille Award- Clooney

Best Director of Motion Picture- Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Best Actress, TV Series-Drama-Ruth Wilson, The Affair

Best Actor, Motion Picture Comedy or Musical- Michael Keaton, Birdman

Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical- The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Actress in Motion Picture, Drama-Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Actor in Motion Picture, Drama- Eddie Redmayne, Theory of Everything

Best Motion Picture, Drama- Boyhood

See ya for the Oscars betchezzzzzz.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray hit up Splitsville-Population: 90% of Bachelor(ette) contestants. The pair have “mutually ended their engagement” and everything is peaceful as can be for a breakup that will be dissected by Chris Harrison for years to come. I think we all saw this coming ever since jelly belly Nick blurted on national TV that him and Andi banged one out in the fantasy suite. Fingers crossed that he comes crawling right out of the woodwork now that the split has hit the news. It seems as though Bachelor fans are really floored with this breakup because Andi and Josh were like REALLY in love…you know because they declared it via Insta and Twitter every few hours. Methinks that if you have to broadcast it so often and you also met on a reality television show maybe it wasn’t the real deal. Jus Sayin. Bet Andi is really kicking herself that she also lost out on Prince Farming and someone who gives free hugs now has the edge over her.

2. Kept hush hush until this week, Blake Lively birthed the perfect human and if I had her number I’d text her “Pics or it didn’t happen” because seriously, we need to see this kid. No name or gender is revealed so obviously stay tuned for further information. Since this barely qualifies as news with no proof, Nick & Vanessa Lachey also had a baby this week and named her Brooklyn Elisabeth. Super cute, somewhat normal and they have my stamp of approval for name choice.

3. Tha Biebs did Calvin Klein and they had to photoshop him a whole lot so he didn’t look like the pre-pubescent teen that he is. Stiff competition to release a Calvin ad RIGHT after Nick “droolworthy abs” Jonas did. Biebs clearly had to add in something or else it would’ve been lost in the shuffle of his delinquent news and platinum blonde locks. With or without his fake abs and happy trail I’m not in the least bit turned on by this ad. Nick Jonas for the win (and obviously vintage Marky Mark for the overall win.)

4. Jimmy Fallon’s Infamous Lip Sync Battle segment will be it’s own show debuting on Spike in April. I was getting all revved up about it until they announced the host is LL Cool J. WHY is LL Cool J EVER THE HOST OF ANYTHING?! He is the CHEESIEST guy alive. And he wears a Kangol unironically. Like Date Mike.

5. This music video for Sia’s “Elastic Heart” came out and was getting a lot of buzz. Obviously people are a liiiiiitttle overly sensitive about the dancing that’s going on between Shia LaBeouf and like 11 year old dancer Maddie Ziegler. I think everyone’s concern should actually be that anyone hired Shia again after he had a baby meltdown recently and was attending press events with a paper bag over his head. Either way…watch the video and decide for yourselves. It’s obv real weird and artsy (I’m trying to make us all more cultured) but I dig the song and also all I could think the whole time was how I wish I were light enough to be flung around like little Maddie. Damn kids.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

In the spirit of awards season and not missing any one that they air, I actually watched the People’s Choice Awards. Yiiiiikes. I won’t bore you with a recap on them because literally nothing happened. I think the highlight of the night was when Chris Evans escorted Betty White to the stage for her TV Icon Award and it was a real panty-melter to see such a hottie being a gentleman. Adam Sandler won an award and Fall Out Boy performed so I had myself questioning what year it actually was several times. Also hosts Anna Faris and Allison Janney played it safe all night and were basically just there to promote their soon to be cancelled show Moms ad nauseum. Also Iggy Azalea tried to bone Dax Shepard by flirting with him on stage. And we’re all caught up. I did however decide to do a best and worst dressed list because there were some standouts that deserved to be addressed.

Worst Dressed:

I mean these are your hosts and their not looking their best. Anna Faris is wearing a circus ruffle dress and Allison Janney is showing an untasteful amount of cleavage for her age…

I’ve seen Amy Adams look stunning and this just wasn’t doing it for me. Too plain. Also I can understand why she wouldn’t pull out the big guns for the People’s Choice Awards.

This is outrageous. I cannot get on board with Ariel Winter and the tuxedo as a dress thing. You look like you’re doing the walk of shame.

Honest question has Ginnifer Goodwin ever NOT looked like your frumpy aunt?

I feel like this dress is not the most flattering on Hillary Scott.

She’s certainly got the Kim K hourglass to pull this off but it’s just too much.

WOOF with the super low cut tee Taj Mowry. No need to do nips out for the People.

Best Dressed:

Digging on this sparkly party dress on Sarah Hyland.

Kristen Bell popped out a baby like 2 weeks ago. Damn gurl. Also I’m obsessed with this dress. Fave look of the night.

The classy crop was a trend last night and I was digging it. Love the sparkles and high pony on Olivia Munn.

This is my second fave look of the night. Even though Kaley Cuoco buzzed her head and I hate it, girl is pulling off this cutout dress. Almost makes me want to hit the gym. Almost.

Jesse McCartney repping well dressed men like nobody’s biz.

I think this is the best I’ve seen Iggy dress for an awards show. Still not really in our era, but she makes it work.

Digging on this color on Gabrielle Union.

Last but certainly not least, Chris Evans looking like the hot piece of ass he is. Dressed casj in a sweater and it makes me want to curl up by the fire with him with a glass of wine while he reads me a book. Whoa. That escalated quickly.

Television

Puppy Bowl XI Starting Lineup Hot Picks

Guys, you know what’s coming February 1st? The ANNUAL PUPPY BOWL. There’s no other way I’d wish to spend a Sunday in the dead of winter than watching a bunch of furry little pups troll around while I devour an entire vat of salsa dip. The lineup was just released and I took it upon myself to pick my faves as the ones to look out for. Here they are by team…

TEAM RUFF:

Aria is a Labrador Retriever Mix and looks real excited to get some play time in. She’s totes the kinda gal that’ll have the energy to play the whole game and not take a nap in the middle of the field.

Boomer the German Shepard Mix is a straight up GOON. Bets on him staring at the goat cheerleaders on the sidelines with that tongue wagging looking for some booty instead of playing the game.

Bryan Adams is a Labrador Retriever mix and looks a little perplexed to be here but with a name like Bryan Adams he’s gotta be a lady killer with the voice of an angel.

Coveia has a real intensity in her eyes that says she’s looking for the W and you can’t deny it. Also she’d probably take it too far and pee on an opponent. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES COVEIA.

There’s one every year and it looks like this year the winner is Falcor the Cumber Spaniel for team STOOOONER. Falcor wins most likely to hit the field blazed and end up trying to eat the fake turf.

Faulkner the Great Pyrenees…serious question is this even a real dog? Faulkner looks like a straight up cartoon. Love that smile though I’m gonna bet he’s a real go-getter. Team Captain for sure.

Lance the Terrier Mix looks like he just got caught eating a stack of bills that were left on the table (This is a specific shout out to my nephew Rocky who can’t stop his all-paper diet every time he’s left alone in the house.) No but seriously Lance looks guilty AF and I bet this will motivate him to play better and also maybe get into a little mischief, fingers crossed.

Lewis the Shar Pei could not be more over this if he tried. He’ll be unamused with the kitty half time show (aren’t we all?) and probably end up laying on the sidelines real quick. But with that SMUSHY face, we can all forgive him instantly for this.

Pudge the Chihuahua mix has OUTRAGEOUS ears and that’s obviously his secret weapon. Once he gets on a fast break he’ll be able to hear his competition coming after him for miles.

Wittle baybay Corgi Mix, Zane is Team Ruff’s young’n. He’ll be pouncing on Lewis all day only to be pushed off every time. Poor little guy is just here to tear it up and make cool older friends.

TEAM FLUFF:

Donnie the German Shepard mix is KILLIN me with that side head. Can’t resist it. He seems like he’d play dirty and trip Pudge to get the ball (if Pudge doesn’t trip over his own ears HEYO.)

Hemingway the Great Pyrenees mix absolutely has a British accent and is the classiest one of the bunch. Since he’s clearly from England and smokes a pipe he probably plays soccer too and is suuuper athletic. Strong player.

Maggie the Beagle Mix is a handful..I mean look at that she won’t even look at the camera because she’s too cool for the paparazzi. She totally voted herself Team Captain and everyone else was like nah Mags, T it down. She’ll be the team tattle tale when someone breaks the rules.

Mr. Fantastic the Terrier Mix is the young pup who’s excited just to be included. He’ll be the ankle biter wanting to keep up with the big boyz and whooping it up for the crowds. YOLO, Mr. Fantastic.

Papi the Corgi Mix has that “Who, me?” look DOWN PAT. He’s gonna get away with murder in this game (hypothetically speaking, guys). When the ref interferes Papi’s your man to get behind him and make faces, mocking his authority.

This little piece of black magic is named SASSY. No joke. I think we all know why I selected this Mini Poodle Mix. Bitch gonn’ go cray on the field–she won’t be doing any playing, just flirting cause Sassy is lookin for her perfect mate. (Her only requirement: he MUST love Beyonce)

USS Maloy the Australian Shepard Mix COULD NOT even muster up the energy to stay standing for this photoshoot. Clearly we’ve got our dead weight for Team Fluff and you know what? I respect it. You’ll find USS Maloy laying in everyone’s way on game day mailing it in.

Jamison the Pit Bull Terrier Mix is the real team captain for his fellow Fluffs. He knows when to be the enforcer and when to give kisses and also he’s got a pretty bad-ass spotted nose.

Bailey the Labrador Retriever looks like she has the attention span of a gnat…which will OBVIOUSLY make for quality entertainment. She’ll be boppin all over the place, prancing for the crowd, talking T. Swift with the goat cheerleaders and sneaking into the choreographed kitty routine at halftime. Can’t hold Bai down.

There you have it. My top picks from the lineup, which consists of 55 wittle wuppies. See the full list here

My money’s on Team Fluff for the win. I feel it in my bones. Book it.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Wining and Dining”

This was an action-packed episode with lots of conflict, wine tossing, and Babyface. Yeah you heard me, recording artist, Babyface. But before we get right to another installment of Yolanda and David’s sing along with a side of dinner party, we need to discuss Brandi. My gurl Brandi used to be funny and inapprops with a hint of asshole but this season she’s just been full-on asshole and I’m really not loving it. This latest episode was the Brandi show and starts out with Brandi and Lisa lunching…yayyy more awkward stare-offs and high-pitched questions. Brandi pretty much handles the lunch like she didn’t do all that much wrong and then we’re all reminded that she literally slapped Ken and he hates her stinkin guts and Lisa says he’ll probably never forgive her. I never thought I’d side with the Ice Queen in this fight but Brandi essentially had no defense and was just talking in circles and was like k so we’re good? We can have fun again? Lisa told her to pick up the bill and she’d consider being civil then she ordered Cristal and filet mignon and probably bankrupted the fragile Brandi whose still paying off that house that she just warmed.

In the second segment of the Brandi show, Yolanda, Rinna, Brandi and Eileen gather for dinner and discuss heartwarming topics like Rinna’s husband being the same age as Brandi’s dad. Eileen then tells a love story about how her and her husband left their marriages to be together. Brandi fakely tells her thanks for sharing and being so brave and honest. Most importantly we are forced to endure far too many minutes with Eileen wearing a stupid straw bucket hat that I’m positive she borrowed from Ashley Olsen circa 1998 in Billboard Dad. Aren’t they in a nice restaurant? She finally takes her hat off and flips her hair, which unfortunately becomes the catalyst to Brandi’s latest antic. Brandi gets excited at Eileen being sassy and then tries to get her to reenact a scene from Days of our Lives and Eileen was like I’m NOT A TRAINED SEAL, I WON A G-D EMMY and Brandi throws a glass of wine on her because she wouldn’t perform. Everyone at the table is shocked and worst of all Eileen puts that straw hat back on, soon to be followed by blue sunglasses I assume but before she can Brandi defends herself by saying “I was going for a soap opera moment,” rather than just admitting she wanted to punish Eileen for being a home wrecker. Everyone at the table hates Brandi. Check, please.

The grand finale of the episode and another platform for Brandi to make everyone despise her is one of Yolanda’s infamous dinner parties where there is sure to be hearts on place card drama and a cringeworthy sing along with her creepy husband at the piano. Also Babyface. Yolanda hires her friend to plan the party but makes it very clear that she did not hire someone to plan the dinner party, cause they’re friends. Yolanda then goes for the total shock factor and does her own nails before the party, I mean it’s not like she’ll have a chance to ruin them. The guests begin to arrive and we get to the part of the night where I wish really hard that I had a glass of wine in my hand and turned this dinner party into a drinking game. The wine-throwing incident is re-told 6 times throughout the course of the evening. That’s not an exaggeration. I counted…and wished I were sipping. Eileen is treating Brandi like a Days superfan that sent her human hair and a ransom note in the mail. Brandi arrives and Eileen makes a big scene about it saying she feels weird and like she’s in high school while she acts like she is in high school. Yo tells Brandi that she’s in time out and Brandi’s like yeah, yeah yeah, Eileen let’s talk one on one. Eileen asks, “Did you leave the weirdo superfan at home?” Brandi fesses up to being a real jerk and gives Eileen a necklace as a peace offering because she has too many h8ers right now. Eileen’s like yeah you’re a creep but I accept your apology I guess. Kim rolls in wearing a leather top and her hair in mermaid curls looking like she’s about to hit the club. It’s almost like she knew Babyface was going to be there. Everyone showers her with compliments and she flips her hair all around and is like I KNOW, RIGHT?! Lisa calls Babyface, “Papaface”. Yo makes a toast where she slobbers all over David in front of everyone. The Emmy is toasted (second drinking game..Eileen’s Emmy is mentioned 4+times.) Yo also toasts the opening of Pump with a not so sly dig for the opening that no one was invited to. “Moving on,” she sneers.

Brandi didn’t get a toast for anything so she feels like it’s probably time to turn everyone’s attention back to her, which is normally Kyle’s job…hmm. David tells Brandi to stop flirting with Babyface because his wife is literally right next to him and she retaliates by saying his wife is beautiful but B-Face could’ve given her a bigger ring. Apparently in drunken Brandi world, if you don’t have a big diamond, it means your husband is cheating on you. Logical. S’mores are next in the second longest dinner party ever (first longest is obviously the one at Kyle’s with E-cig medium Allison). Yo adorably prances around the bonfire in her monochromatic outfit and everyone eats charred marshmallows. Brandi has turned real sloppy real quick and starts slobbering over the Days of Our Lives girls again. They sneak away from her right about the time she climbs into David’s lap and reconvene in the living room to talk shit about her and how sad her life is.

Finally we’ve arrived at the creepy sing along and not a moment too soon. This time Babyface is going to ad lib a sexy song and the topic that is given to him is “I love my life.” Digging real deep here for musical inspiration. David explains the rules of the game and apparently makes a finger gesture that Brandi shouts out looks like he’s finger banging and she asks if that can also be included in the original number that is about to be performed. Babyface proves to be the hugely talented star that he is by singing I love my life and I love finger banging over and over again while David tickles the ivories. The CREATIVITY IS THROUGH THE ROOF. Quick, give me a guitar and I’ll top this. David obviously forces everyone to riff off of this new chart-topper and silently judges all of their terrible singing voices. Everyone should be ashamed for being a part of this. Except for Eileen, because she has an Emmy. Oh and did you hear? Brandi threw wine on her. Drink.

Television

The Bachelor Season 19 Premiere

An open h8er of The Bachelor I never thought I would see the day where I was willingly watching a season. Then I realized that I could recap the insanity for all my Bachelor-lovin’ friends and turn it into pure lawls. So here we are with a new weekly TV Recap. Follow me on this journey as Prince Farming, Chris Soules finds his milk maid. (Yes, I did write that myself, but it is only a matter of minutes before ABC trademarks it because the first 5 minutes of the premiere were FULL of cheesy farm cliches equally as cringeworthy as that one.)

Our farmtastic bachelor has a lovely montage to open up the show and so that we can see how many times he can talk about his crops or stare at them longingly from his motorcycle. Two minutes into the episode and he’s tearing up after he just rolled in badass style on his Harley, Chris was already showing us the gamut of emotions that he holds inside. “Love…is a lot like farming…” he muses as he eats the corn from his field and wonders if he’ll finally find someone to feed his chickens. After a little souleful Chris (see what I did there?), he shows us his rugged side by having ABC send a personal trainer all the way out to Iowa so that he can watch Chris do pushups on haystacks and talk about his regular farm workout regimen. Then he throws on some aviators, rides into the dust (should his motorcycle be ridden so closely to his crops? seems dangerous) to the soundtrack of badass music, on his way to find his woman. Once he arrives in LA we learn that Chris is scared of traffic and clothes and stuff cause he’s just a down home farmer. “I wish I was harvesting corn instead of getting fitted for a three piece suit.” Getting dressed is exhausting, he tells us. Apparently getting undressed is not because we got an obligatory shower scene, and damn have those hay pushups really been working. He’s ready to meet his biddies in waiting now…

Let’s meet Chris’s potential co-harvesters:

Britt-Waitress from Hollywood. She didn’t have sex in her last relationship and clearly misses it, she calls herself a “feeler, for sure” and gives out free hugs on Hollwood Blvd. to strangers. This all was enough to creep me out, but apparently Farmer Chris was on a whole different page than me. Britt gets out of the limo and gives Chris an excrutiatingly long hug and then slips him a coupon for a free hug…for later obvs. When they have some one on one time later they–wait for it–hug. And then Britt tells Chris that she can be his safe haven and they have an almost kiss where they really just stare at each other for a couple minutes. At the end of the night Britt receives the first impression rose saving her from elimination and also Chris follows up the rose with a steamy makeout sesh that was a liiiiittle aggress. Britt makes it more aggress by revealing it feels like she’s kissing her boyfriend. Pump the brakes, gurl. How did they part? With a hug. Duh.

Jillian- News Producer. She gyms real hard in neon tanks and also cheers in front of the monuments of DC. She exits the limo and goes for the tough girl act with Chris. Jillian grabs his muscles and then flexes for him and probably threatened to beat him up or something.

Amanda- Ballet Instructor. Amanda lives at home and is lazy AF, her mom has her fingers crossed she marries this bitch off so she stops free-loading. Amanda chooses the weird meeting route and in the long run it’s a big fail. She slips Chris a note to close his eyes and sneaks up on him from behind to be his “secret admirer” except that when he comes looking for the secret admirer she admits it’s her right away. He really worked for that. She has a set of REAL hard crazy eyes and the cameraman zoomed right in on those bad boys forcing some nightmares at me. No worries though she’s gone–No rose for the crazy eyes.

Whitney- Fertility Nurse, Chicago. Has a whiny nasally voice that makes me want to break my ears off, wants kids STAT, will 100% be the contestant to switch out her birth control and pull a pregnancy trap. Whitney is SUPES outgoing and doesn’t let Chris get a word in edgewise, which is fine because while she’s talking she’s already planning what their children will look like. They have PG talk about sex and it’s lame and boring.

MacKenzie-Dental Assistant. Teen mom who prefers hanging with a one year old than anyone else (read: no friends), wants a dad for her illegitimate son. Doesn’t know what alfalfa is. AND YET STILL GETS A ROSE.

Alissa- Flight Attendant. Compares love to flying WAY too much and talks about nothing else. I was convinced she would redeem herself and then her gimmick when meeting Chris was keeping him safe with an ACTUAL airplane seatbelt that she ACTUALLY strapped on him. Cut the shit Alissa, we GET that you’re a flight attendant but not everything has a correlating airplane metaphor. Brace yourself for more to come because she made it through the cut.

Kelsey- School Counselor Austin TX. Freshly widowed, suuuuper athletic, otherwise boring. Does not stand out to me at all except for maybe being an actual normal person, but she makes the cut anyway.

Kaitlyn- Dance Instructor. Meets Chris and immediately tells him “you can plow the F out of my field any day.” He has the uncomfies and then she picks some shit off of his face makes a crazy jealous gf joke and is off to the races for being the inapprops one. Since her schtick is telling off color jokes, she bangs one out to the crowd of prissy, judgmental girls with Chris and of course one girl doesn’t even get it. Hot crowd. Kaitlyn uses her one on one time with Chris to teach him how to break dance in some comfy yoga pants under her dress and I’m glad we’re keeping her around because we need her to stir shit up.

Megan- Makeup things…that’s all I’ve got for Megan. I don’t even remember her if we’re being honest.

Ashley- Hair Stylist. Her hair looks sexy pushed back. Just kidding, it doesn’t look sexy but it’s pushed back and I wish that it wasn’t. Ashley is the crazy bitch who keeps babbling about onions and tells the WWE wrestler to get lost when she’s talking to Chris. Also rips a pomegranate out of the bushes. Yet she still gets a rose………….

Trina- Special Ed Teacher. Again, I got nothin.

Reegan- Tissue Specialist. This weirdo talks about how she has this great job touching human tissue and stuff and brings Chris a fake heart in a cooler to be like HAHA I’m funny smart and cute wink, wink. And he’s like HAHA that was none of the above- WINK, WINK….and she’s gone.

Tara-Sport Fishing. Tara is our resident hick who shows up in cutoff jorts, plaid shirt and cowboy boots and tells Chris this is who I am so suck on that. She then enters the room of bitches, gets one dirty look and suddenly she cares what everyone thinks and throws on a dress and some wedges to sneak back out and make a better impression. Nailed it. Tara more than made up for her weird double intro by throwing back whiskey all night. Once the rose ceremony rolls around, Tara clearly has the spins and can’t hold her shit together but RIGHT before she boots and passes out, she gets a rose. WUT.

Tandra- Executive Assistant. Tandra rides in on a motorcycle and tries to be badass and cool and stuff and makes a crack about riding on the highway in it even though she entered from stage left and probably wheeled it in. That’s all we need to know about her for now. I can’t even remember if she got a rose or not. Clearly it’s not important.

Jordan- Student. Jordan rolls out of the limo with a nip of Whiskey because she heard it’s Chris’s favorite liquor and they toss it back together. I respect the hell out of this and any one who brought me liquor at the first meeting would get the first impression rose without hesitation…to hell with free hugs, gimme the juice.

Nicole-Real Estate. Nicole debuted with a pig nose on her face to be all tongue and cheek about farm animals but couldn’t hold her ground and got really self-conscious that Chris would actually think she’s an ugly fat pig and so she took it off immeidately and overcompensated by saying I REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS. DON’T WORRY I’M NOT ACTUALLY A PIG, CHRIS!!!! And he said bai when he did not rose her.

Brittany-WWE Wrestler. Brittany showed up in lingerie with a sign that said #soulesmates? Too much. She also didn’t get too much time to chit chat with Chris before girl who shall forever be known as onion pomegranate stole her thunder.

Carly-Cruise Ship Singer. Aaaaaand the most woof entrance award goes to Carly. Wearing a bad 80’s wedding dress or something and carrying a pink karaoke machine, she sang about meeting Chris, as she was meeting Chris. It was bad and awkward and I had to cover my eyes and ears at one point and YET she got a rose.

Tracy-Fourth Grade Teacher. Tracy pulled out the big guns to make Chris remember her…she used her students being cute kids. They wrote notes to Chris about why he should pick her and awww don’t kids say the darndest things that their teacher obviously told them to write so she could get a husband? She also talks about becoming a cat lady in their one on one. She makes it on through.

Bo-Plus Sized Model. Bo talks about how she loves eating and stuff because she’s a plus sized model. Oh…and she was axed.

Amber-Bartender.

Ashley-Nanny. I don’t remember this girl speaking once but she’s basically a Kardashian so she’ll either marry Chris or get a reality show out of it.

Becca-Chiropractic Assistant

Jade-Cosmetics Specialist. Has two kids. WOOF. I guess Chris is into the daddy thing because he kept both mom’s.

Juelia- Estetician. From a REAL Julia, this is an outrageous way to spell our name and I can only hope this bitch doesn’t make it more than 3 episodes because I refuse to type that out.

Kara-Soccer Coach. CUT.

Kimberly- Yoga Instructor. Didn’t hear a peep from her all night (i’m assuming…it’s all a blur now) once she gets axed, she talks about how undeserving this is and then goes back in all teary asking to speak to Chris. CLIFFHANGER…WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

Michelle-Wedding Cake Decorator.

Nikki- Former NFL Cheerleader. Key word=former.

Samantha-Fashion Designer. Nothing really needs to be said about this chick. She’s a fashion designer living in LA, she’s for sure not going to move to Iowa to live on a farm. He’ll probably send her packing after he gets some.

You’ll notice that not all of these women have deets and that’s because I have never had a more difficult time trying to keep track of a bunch of biddies. They all look alike and say stupid shit, the good news is that there were some that were already sent home so we don’t need to know things about them, thank God. There was A LOT of drama halfway through the THREE HOURS that this show took from my life when the ladies and Chris thought that there might only be 15 contestants and every single one of them WOULDN’T stop asking about it. Then Chris Harrison announces that the BIG surprise is there are MORE limos! WHAT A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T READ THE CAST LIST BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED OR ANYTHING. Nice try, Chris Harrison, nice try. Anyway fingers crossed I can keep track better once we start cutting the fat, I’m obviously referring to slob kebab Tara and onion pomegranate who should be the first to go. Will Chris do more macking and free hugging with Britt next week? Will I ever be able to differentiate between the remaining brunettes? Stay tuned to find out!

Pop Culture, Television

The Hills-Top Heidi Moments

Hey guys, I’m BAAAAACK with some very important gossip, as always. Did you hear that Holly Montag is preggers? You didn’t? Oh, that’s probably because she’s not famous except for the time The Hills outed her as an alcoholic. Fingers crossed she’s sober now.

Anyway, I’ve decided to celebrate the good news with her more “famous” sister’s best moments on The Hills, in no particular order. (Pre-Surgeries) We all remember Heidi as this top-heavy monster with blowfish lips who married Spencer the flesh colored beard, crystal lovin’ maniac. However, I think it’s important to be reminded of wholesome, good girl Heidi back when she had natural A cups and freshly moved to LA to pursue her dreams of working in PR and partying for a paycheck. Here are the best Heidi moments before she went full-on dark side.

5. Dating Jordan from North Carolina with the most outrageous haircut known to man.

Heidi and Jordan had their ups and downs—their up was when Jordan gave her a dog for Christmas (that mysteriously disappeared after season 1) and their downs were obviously the rest of their relationship. Jordan called himself passionate and would commonly tell Heidi to shut up because apparently his passions of hating his girlfriend were just too much to hold in. Inevitably, this led to the breakup, which was QUITE dramatic with tears from both parties…seriously bro, pull it together.

I’m going to assume that Jordan was crying while getting dumped because the jig was up and Heidi finally realized that Sonic the Hedgehog was wildly outkicking his coverage by getting to sleep with her at all. And that was the end of dum dum Jordan and damn it did we all miss him and his weird creepy friend Brian who stalked Audrina in attempts to date her.

WHAT IS THIS PHOTO.

4. Quitting school after the first day.

Heidi’s claim to fame was being a quitter and boy did she commit to it. After going into her FIDM interview and announcing that she did not even glance at the curriculum, admitting, “I never went to school, I never did anything. I just like went shopping and hung out.” It’s no wonder they didn’t just offer her a full scholarship for her hard work right on the spot. Good ole Heids put in a half day at school after that and played solitaire waiting for LC to finish classes. By chance, or a scripted run-in, Heidi meets Brent Bolthouse and he gives her an interview for an assistant position. It’s her dream job, guys. She starts the next day and once he tells her she’ll be getting lunch and stuffing envelopes she backtracks real quick and says she didn’t understand that this was a full time job and she’s more into partying so could we speed up the process and put her in charge of the door at a nightclub already? Brent politely tells her to stop being such a self-righteous asshole with a sassy eye roll and Heidi calls LC to vent: “It’s so boring I’m stuffing envelopes. This is my nightmare of a job.” She promises to give it one more day before quitting. Atta girl.

3. Wearing jeans, boots and a turtleneck sweater tank to her first interview.

(Sorry for the bootleg pic, I’m sure you still get the idea.) Although this is fully related to the last Heidi shining moment, it deserves a separate shout out because it is actually suuuuper baffling that someone going on their first full time job interview would think it’s acceptable to wear this outfit. She got the job though, so clearly I’m doing something wrong here. Her first day of work outfit was equally as appalling with jeans, pointy heels, a black button down and her hair in a bun with a headband that can only be described as one that girls wear when their hair is dirty.

2. The pregnancy scare with Playboy Spence.

Hey everyone remember the early days of Spencer when he was also porking Audrina? Yeah, definitely not a red flag or anything. Heidi continues dating him even though she catches him with Audrina and whoopsie she runs right into a pregnancy scare. After taking the test and seeing that she’s not preggers (we can all agree that the best thing Speidi has done for this planet is to NOT procreate), Heidi wants to run a little test by Spence to see how he’ll react. She puts on her best serious soap opera face and calls him up asking him to drop by work because they need to talk. Homeboy pulls up in his beamer and she lays it on him that she might be pregnant. Playboy Spence breaks a sweat, takes a sip of what I assume to be vodka in a water bottle to calm his nerves and romantically declares that he’s on Team Heidi. That’s exactly what Heidi wants to hear and she casually replies with ok well I’m not pregnant tralala thanks for stopping by. Playboy Spence declares, “I’m a little bit irritated that you had me thinking you were pregnant,” to which Heidi replies, “Oh boo hoo.” This marks the only time I’ve ever wanted to fist bump Heidi.

1. Orchestrating the Great Jen Bunney Betrayal.

This is probably my favorite Hills episode to date, and to be clear; I’m 100% team LC on this one. LC goes out of her way to make Jen Bunney’s 21^st birthday the best it could be, even going so far as getting her diamonds via her MTV paycheck and Jen repays her by calculating a hookup with Brody like mere minutes after LC and Brody dated. Heidi truly shined when she turned into the conniving birthday fairy granting booty like wishes. She coordinates Brody to attend Bunney’s party and then aggressively pushes the two of them together to mate like real world cast mates in a hot tub. Obviously Bunz leaves with Brodz and LC finds out and lays down the hammer on both idiots, but not Brody, cause he’s too pretty to yell at. Since getting video clips of The Hills is like getting security footage from the White House, for whatever reason, I can only suffice the best scene of the episode with some shitty pictures. I like to call this exchange: two drunk white girls repeating words.

Honorable Mention: Being cutthroat at Bolthouse snaking a promotion from Elodie.

(Technically this is post-surgery since Heidi clearly had already gotten her first boob job, but we’ll let it slide.) Elodie mentions casually that there’s a promotion in the works and Heidi goes behind her back to get it. Oohh Kill em Heidi, get your dream job and rise above the ranks of stuffing envelopes. Elodie, the unfortunate looking elf who is forced to listen to Heidi talk about Spencer and how she has no friends 24/7, gets her revenge swiftly. Heidi’s first event falls on the same night as the anniversary of the first time Spencer and her banged in a club before he probably then took Audrina out for ice cream or something, and she asks Elodie to cover her undeserving of a promotion ass. Elodie sneaky quits that day and tells Heidi that she’s all set before she heads back to the North Pole, screwing Heidi over royally. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, Heidz.

This is Elodie’s biz casj cami.

And there we have it. The party girl from Colorado with a heart of gold (or something…) won her way into the best friend Hall of Fame of miss Lauren Conrad and for that and so much more (repeated appearances on various reality TV shows with Spencer) we will never forget her. A friend has informed me that if you miss our little Heidi whose boobs have grown six sizes since the early days, you can catch her and Spencer on Marriage Boot Camp this season, undoubtedly discussing true love and crystals.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Breaking Branches”

Apparently Bravo does not find it necessary to give us a reprieve from the housewives during the holidays. This is late because I had to do 1 million things with my family and not one of them was watch a bunch of grown ass women donate their expensive designer gowns to homeless women to wear to the soup kitchen. Shocking, I know. Anyway, Bravo heard our Christmas wishes and delivered a little meat to this season by FINALLY having a full episode with all the women socializing (and being catty) in one room. We’re getting somewhere here.

The long talked about and much needed housewarming party for Brandi arrived and it was important for us to relish this moment because there is no telling how long Brandi will have this home before she’s couch surfing again. Brandi is on the same page when she said, “I really love this house, hopefully I can keep it.” This MUST be celebrated. Brandi chose to celebrate by wearing a dress that barely covered her nipples and then having to uncomfortably adjust it all night so as not to scare her guests away who she had finally tricked into believing that she is classy. Joke’s on you, goons. While the other ladies have a full wait staff at their “barbeques”, Brandi puts her mom to work full time while she gets her hair and makeup done and tapes her boobs. Maybe she does belong after all.

The party was going swimmingly with several shocked tones of “this house is ACTUALLY nice,” when the air suddenly turned frosty and it felt like time stopped. Up pulled a black limo and out stepped a pair of inconveniently tall gold and black stripper heels attached to the legs of whom else, but the ICE QUEEN. She struts through the house (letting herself in, obviously) and silences the crowd upon her arrival. Lisa has graced the minions with her presence and no one is quicker than Brandi to lap that shit right up. To make matters even more dramatic we are introduced to Leeza Gibbons and there are now two Lisas and a Leeza at one Hollywood party. It’s like they’re trying to force us to use our brains while watching this or something. At least Leeza had the decency to spell her name like a hooker with a heart of gold or else we’d never know whom Brandi is talking about. After Lisa and Brandi spout inspirational quotes at each other much like you would find hanging in your doctor’s office waiting room, they’ve apparently squashed their beef. Obviously in her aside, Lisa reveals to us that she’s doing this just so Brandi will shut the F up and she’s clearly not over it. Lisa continues her domination of this party parade by chatting it up with Brandi’s parents and reminding them that their daughter is an asshole and the parents are usually to blame. She lets that sink in before she uses the party to remind everyone of her charity for dressing homeless teens in designer gowns. Some incredibly awkward toasts are made to Brandi mentioning her divorce and overall poverty and then it’s time for goodbyes. Brandi and Lisa have a cringeworthy goodbye where Brandi basically shouts, “ARE YOU HAPPY YOU CAME? BUT REALLY…ARE YOU?” while Lisa strong-arms Brandi away. Then Brandi latches onto Ken for some air kisses and demands for Ken to look into her soulless eyes. All in all I would say it was a heartfelt reunion. Speaking of heartfelt reunions, lest we forget about Brandi’s most recent reunion, ghost of gaudy jewels past, Adrienne makes another appearance with her under aged boyfriend Jacob and it’s becoming quite clear that they’re phasing her back into the cast and let me be the first to say that I hate it. Spin on those Maloof hooves and see yourself outta here, Adrienne.

After the party, our new characters continue to keep a classy image of themselves on the outskirts of the friend group. Rinna is cool as shit still and we see her co-host Access Hollywood and earn her keep on this show. She just wants to stay young and work forever. Preach. Eileen tries to also show how hard to she works by doing some paddle boarding to stay fit. She lies and says she loves working out, then sneaks in that she also loves donuts. I feel your pain, gurl. She’s still not as cool as Rinna though. While these two are being active members of society, Kyle is at home reminding us all that no one in her family knows how to do laundry, cause maids. Also, this just in: EXTRA, EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT-PORTIA MAKES HER OWN SANDWICH! Kyle and Mauricio applaud this as if Portia has just cured Ebola and then quickly get teary eyed over Alexia going to college and leaving them alone with the little sandwich-making monster.

Okay enough of that bullshit, let’s get right to group hang number two of this episode, the charity tea for homeless girls who want new dresses for all the formal balls that they attend, held at Pump, Lisa’s newest restaurant venture. It seems that Lisa went ahead and had the opening without inviting anyone and both Yo and Kim did NOT forget. Bravo also wants to make sure we don’t forget that Lisa and Brandi are awkward as shit together because they have them interact as much as possible at this tea. This needs to stop immediately because it’s making me suuuuper uncomfy every time they spend 5 minutes staring at each other and speaking in weird high pitch voices about how they’re not fine but they are fine. Brandi rips an olive branch off of the tree at Pump to extend it to Lisa and everyone stares and opens their mouths as wide as their Botox will allow. Lisa tells Brandi with her eyes that branch destruction has just added another strike to her name and Eileen astutely observes that maybe Brandi and Lisa have a complicated history. Then Brandi tries to make up for murdering wildlife and offers to do some sexual downstairs things to Lisa, as one normally does. (I’ve cleaned this up courteously, which Bravo didn’t feel the need to do and I’m scarred forever.) Since it’s a lot of work for women to be approps at all times while having tea in a classy establishment, they have a full discussion of cunninglingus and good ole foreign Yolanda has to ask what it means. What a precious doll. Eileen thinks every one of these women is a dumpster monster for discussing “pussy” over tea and obviously she’s above hanging with such trailer trash.

In efforts not to brand this conversation in the viewers’ memory forever, we end instead on a lunch after the tea with everyone but Lisa. This lunch is clearly scheduled into the production schedule so that they can all talk shit about Lisa and the newbies can get “caught up” as if they’re clueless. Eileen stages an ask about Brandi and Lisa even though she previously said at the tea that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Again, she is an Emmy award-winning actress. The ladies try to catch everyone up to speed being as least catty as possible because they’ve learned their lesson that Lisa will just see them talking shit on TV and have actual hard evidence. It’s like they’re learning or something and I’m just so proud of these mature adults who grew so much since they were discussing sex acts over high tea just a mere minutes earlier.

Honorable Mention Moment: Remember the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? Oh you do? Well let’s relive it. Rinna does the challenge on Access Hollywood in some fancy workout gear and then Yo accepts at Lisa’s charity tea because her friend has ALS and she’ll do anything to help the cause. Volunteering herself for an icy water dump probably had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a full white outfit. I gotcha producers, WINK.

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Yearly Archives: 2015

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Wining and Dining”

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