WOWOWOW b2b awards shows what a treat for us all! Unfortunately no one was bitch slapped at this one, but you can’t win em all. If you had bets on how soon the slap was addressed, you CAN win them all because it only took 21 mins for a “stay in your seats” joke. God love awards shows and their low hanging fruit comedy. Now onto my low hanging fruit of jabs about the fabrics everyone chose to adorn themselves in.

WORST.

Am I being punk’d? Where’s Ashton? Since when is playing dress-up in Shaq’s suit paired with LITERAL moon boots, FASHION?! Tossing the hot pink beanie and Men in Black shades on top of that are really just the sprinkles on this cupcake of a shithole outfit. Hailey, you’re good. Justin, see yourself out.

Oh, no bbgurl. Mixed media with the exotic prints? Everyone knows the steadfast rule…pick ONE zoo animal to rep on the red carpet. And HIP gems?! Uh-uh.

Not only is this look terrifying but I watched 2 minutes of the E red carpet and those whole two minutes consisted of Laverne saying “you are amazing” to Avril Lavigne on repeat like a robot that’s malfunctioning. I cringed all the way out of my skin. Can we PLEASE start doing tryouts for red carpets cause not everyone has the skills to quickly converse with a celeb, get a juicy lil soundbyte then wrap it up and toss it to someone else. “Hey Avril, great to see you, what do you think about the urban legend that you died 10 years ago and someone has been impersonating you? Are you the real Avril? Prove it.  Ok well then who are you wearing? You look fabulous, have a great night, back to you, Ryan!” BOOM. THAT IS HOW IT’S DONE. (For the right price I can be available, E!) My God these red carpets have gotten embarrassingly bad. 

Hey, is this the Grammy’s? Am I in the right place? Yeah I was invited, here’s my invite, it was hanging on my fridge, good thing I remembered to grab it before I came. Anyway, where’d you guys park?!

PS Little Bites confetti flavor slap THE hardest.

I’m sorry sir but are those CARGO pants?! Slap an Old Navy tech vest on with those bad boys and you’re ready to use that ample pocket room to store dino-shaped nuggs for a convenient snackie.

Zenon girl of the 21st century when did you get here?! To be clear Zenon never would’ve been allowed to wear a see through dress featuring mint undies, she was barely even allowed to see Proto Zoa in concert. This caption will only be funny to my fellow elder millennials. Everyone else, invest some time in the Disney Channel Original Movies of the early aughts, they were the peak of entertainment. We Don’t Talk About Bruno could NEVER compare to Zoom Zoom Zoom, make my heart go Boom Boom Boom.

Is Shaggy one-strapping his backpack on the way to Econ? If those glasses are telling us anything it’s that he does his homework every night. NERD. I razz hoard but I’m truly baffled by the casj approach that the men of the Grammys have taken. It’s literally like someone rolled a red carpet down the middle of a college campus. 

This is a Carmen Sandiego look I CANNOT get behind. HOW BIG IS THAT HAT?! What are you, Turd Ferguson?

Oh My Lanta! Pray for whoever had to sit beside (or directly next to) Elle. Or honestly even up in the nosebleeds. I think this hat had real estate all the way down the Las Vegas Strip.

Speaking of Turd…Lotta poop colors in this dress and matching the heels to these poopy tones sent me right over the edge, tbh.

There are SO many things happening here I don’t even know where to start. We’ve got a longsleeve layered under a kimono and y’all KNOW how much I hate a longsleeve underneath. It was forced upon me WAY too many times in elementary or middle school when I really wanted to wear a killer graphic tee but true to Central New York weather, it was 40 degrees in May. So yeah forgive me for being a little triggered by the bi-layer. Then we’ve got the chunky under-boob belt. Another trend that should’ve been set ablaze as it was happening. Finally, I’d be remiss not to mention the drawstring curtain ruched sleeves. I wish we could close the sleeves on this whole outfit. ZING. (I know that joke stinks. Guess who doesn’t care? THIS GAL.)

Oh no, oh no, oh no no no (plz sing in annoying TikTok voice) Maren will never quit with the check out my goodies looks at awards shows. I don’t need to see your lace bra to know you’re hot. This outfit is white trash as hell. SNAKESKIN AND YOUR BRA ON DISPLAY?! Mind’s well have a pack of Marlboros tucked in that bralette. (Sure did google the phrase “White trash cigarette brand” for this on point caption. If you could only see the kind of shit I google when I’m blogging. I’d be Will Smith cancelled* for SURE.)

*For those of you that are unclear: “Will Smith Cancelled” means everyone would be outraged and annoyed at me for a couple of weeks, I’d issue a few generic notes app apologies on how I’m always improving and it’ll be back to business as usual in about a month.*

Cooch. Hoo-ha. Flower. Twat. Penis Fly Trap. Whichever way you spin it, this dress is giving me total snatch vibes.

I think we addressed this on the last red carpet blog but I obviously never got a response…what’s with the wiener flap? This one is extra long too…you know what that means! Just kidding, I don’t. What does it mean?

WTF IS GOING ON WITH BILLIE’S NEW AESTHETIC?! Is she just log-rolling down a banquet table and tying a belt around whatever tablecloth fabric she collects along the way?

No one can genuinely look at this outfit and not question if it’s a gag. It’s like a Blades of Glory ice dancer routine getup and is that her undies I see too?! Ladies, why would ANY of you want a sheer undercarriage moment?!

I’m so beyond sick of these two and their stupid coordinated emo looks and their stupid slobbery tongue touching red carpet photos that I questioned whether I should even include them. And ultimately I did to serve as a PSA that we all need to stop trying to make small sunglasses happen. THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. My sister owned a pair of white sunglasses that swallowed half of her face at the time when Paris, Lindsay and Britney were wreaking havoc on the Beverly Hills Hotel bungalows and honestly I’d rather wear THOSE every day for the rest of my life than ever wear these tiny black shades that the Kardashian’s won’t quit.

Giant bow. I rest my case. 

 

BEST.

I’ve seen enough to know that we’re #blessed Lil Nas X didn’t show up in something more statement-making. Or you know, as a nude pregnant man. The pearls are v. wholesome.

This is sleek and chic as hell.

Gaga is the only celeb who can reinvent herself anytime she damn well pleases. Switching into her jazz/swing mode, Gagz showed up looking like an old classic Hollywood babe and gave us a world class tribute to her bestie Tony Bennett.

Probably unpopular opinion but I love this. Lil Easter Peep of a host.

Chels looks great and there’s not a doubt in my mind that Jo has lifts in his shoes to be taller than his girlfriend because I’d bet you double or nothing he’s a short king. PS I know this is splitting hairs but I’ll never be ok with men raw-dogging their dress shoes. Put a pair of socks on, you animal.

Shocking absolutely everyone who knows me, I’m very into this Lloyd and Harry inspired matching suit look. As someone who went 30 years without ever setting eyes on the oft-quoted by frat boys lacking an intelligent sense of humor flick (Dumb and Dumber), I finally caved at the start of 2022 and watched it in full. And I’m happy to report I was right all along and I was missing absolutely nothing by refusing to see the movie for my entire life because I didn’t think it would be funny. It was not funny. “Our pets heads are falling off” is funnier when other people quote it than it was in the movie. The point of that tangent was to say that each bit from that movie is funnier when you see it done randomly out of context and wearing pastel double breasted suits to the Grammys with your fiance is 10/10 and they are PULLING IT OFF.

Barbie: Grammy Edition. On POINT.

Alright here’s the deal, I ripped Elle King for looking like Carmen Sandiego and then not 5 seconds later I saw Halsey and was like omg Carmen Sandiego, we stan. Does it make sense? Not really, but the conclusion I’ve come to is this: hat size is KEY in making something clown or cool. Elle is knocking out unsuspecting victims down in Texas with her wide brim, whereas Halsey’s dome piece almost needs a double take. Like oh, what’s that on her head, is that a hat?! The tilt is also a factor here. Tilt anything and it’s instantly chic. Plus she’s not in Ronald McDonald red. A subdued burgundy and tilted hat, CHEF’s kiss. Sorry, Elle. Dem’s da breaks.

Paris is Paris and we’re always going to get sparkles and fingerless gloves. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

I’ve flip-flopped a couple of times while looking at this one but ultimately I’m giving her the green light (wink.) It’s like the t-shirt you buy in any shore town with the bikini bod, but make it red carpet ready. Bold & sexy choice for someone who knows she’s about to sweep every category she’s nominated in. 

TiffTiff’s been giving us the razzle dazzle lately (these past two weeks) and I love it.

Um, I’m sorry but did Donatella Versace get inspiration from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?! It wouldn’t be completely outlandish as Isabella IS an Italian pop star. The minute I saw this asparagus from head to toe, HEY NOW, HEY NOOOOOWWWW rang through my brain. Seems like even ole leather face has to turn to the greats for fashion advice from time to time. 

I wonder if Rachel actually got invited to the Grammys or if Twitter had to get her invited. Either way, she looks bomb.

I’m turning a blind eye to the GIANT hideous butt bow because I love the bubblegum pink latex. It has taken me quite a while to warm up to latex because as with everything in life, Kim Kardashian shoved it down our throats and it made me hate the shit out of it. But this is fun and youthful and adorable and therefore I’m on board.

Lenny Kravitz is dripping sex, drugs and rock n roll in this outfit and I can’t even explain why. He just is. 

Sometimes Brandi goes a little TOO western and it’s like ok we get it, you’re one step away from having a piece of hay hanging out of your boca. But credit where credit is due, she’s werkin this bedazzled suit.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I mean, Carrie is having a moment here and you can’t really deny it. No other looks from the red carpet slapped you RIGHT IN THE FACE like this one did. Even thought I’ve been off the Carrie-wagon ever since her dramatics around her face injury, she’s serving a whole goldilocks princess look here and y’all better recognize.