Playlist

Pub Nights

My favorite thing about music is that any given song can immediately transport you back to a specific time in your life. This playlist is a love letter to my golden years of partying it up in TogaTown. Even though I lived in Saratoga from ages 18-22, I was at college, so it was really just snippets during winter/summer break. The time period I’m memorializing through song here is ages 24-28 (2015-2019) when I was REALLY cookin’ on Caroline St.

Here’s a bzz’ed artsy shot of said street.

In the heyday my pals and I became regulars at Caroline St. Pub, hence the name ‘Pub Nights.’ It’s at this bar where we got probably too close to the staff, spent all of our money (my dad was splitting rent with me, so always a mature decision to spend money you don’t have at the local pub), and took way too many bombs to remember. A bomb was a Monster energy drink+flavored vodka shot and if you took too many you felt like you could lift a car above your head but also might burst into tears if someone looked at you weird. What a time to be alive.

Side bar: even if you weren’t a part of this particular era, I’m sure anyone who is reading can relate to the feeling of being in your twenties and grabbing life by the bombs. You’re still young and dumb, you’ve got a little bit of independence, and you’re either in an entry-level job that doesn’t really matter much or you’re working in restaurants (or both) where everyone hangs and bangs. It’s pure chaos but also pure bliss. You have no clue what’s coming next or when you’re going to get your shit together but it also doesn’t matter at all. And honestly, not for nothing, but my friend and I were just looking back on those times and wondering how the hell we afforded to go out as much as we did on garbage salaries. My first FT job paid me $12 an hour and I also worked as a hostess on the weekends for probably another $8-$10 an hour. I look at my financial sitch now and I’m baffled. I don’t know if it’s a combo of inflation and the fact that I never tried for a second to save money back then, but WTF? I make triple that now and if I go out for one night I am financially ruined. I blow my entire month’s “fun” budget on a few spressies and a couple Ubers. And then I remind myself that this is why I’ll never own a home.

Anyway, back to fonder memories of spending my peak legal drinking years in a town where the bars stay open until 4am and every summer the population quadruples for track season. Before you get the dance party started with this playlist, I’d like to toss out some honorable mentions to the places and people who made these years so spesh, if I may. First and foremost, Popcorn Brian. I could write an entire chapter of a book about this man (in fact I did) but I’ll try to briefly sum up the magic. Popcorn Brian was a man in his fifties who went out solo and preyed on young chicks. The first night I spotted him, he was elbows deep in popcorn at Gaffney’s and I immediately named him Popcorn Guy, which of course came to include his government name when he added himself into my phone on a night when I was the prey in 2013. We quickly settled into being “hi” friends and every night that I went out for 8 years, if I saw Popcorn Brian we said hello and usually he slipped me a compliment. (WAY better than slipping me a roofie.) If Popcorn Brian saw me and didn’t compliment my outfit, I would immediately want to go home and change because clearly I looked like a walking dumpster. He was the epitome of what Saratoga Nights were, especially in the summer. You never knew what you were gonna get, but you were probably going to get a story out of it.

Secondly, of course all of my gal pals who were down to clown and take our outfits way too seriously, or a theme, or singing front row with the bands, or commanding the dance floor. These years were so fun and ridiculous and I couldn’t have done it without you! That literally felt like I was signing a Saratoga drunk nights yearbook, but it’s all true. HAGS.

Pub Nights were for the girls.

Thirdly, I’ve already shouted out Caroline St. Pub, but while most people gravitate to the bartenders at a bar and want to become friends with them for free drinks, I’m the weirdo who wants to become friends with the bouncers instead. Never once got a free drink at Pub, but I did get to kick it with my homeslices Bob & George. I would literally leave my group of friends to stand against a wall and survey the crowd. Why? Because I have ALWAYS wanted to get paid to stand in a corner and people-watch with my naturally resting bitch face. But alas, I don’t have a penis, nor muscles, and therefore could never be a bouncer. I also would never be able to break up a fight. In fact, one could argue my face says my thoughts so loudly that it could actually start a fight. So thank you to my two fave bouncers for letting me moonlight/drunkenly have a running commentary on everyone in the bar. Hope your paychecks were thicc for putting up with me every Saturday night.

Fourthly, is fourthly even a word? Feels wrong, but whatevs. The live music in Togz! I give sincere individualized apologies in my song descriptions below because I for sure took being a fan a scooch too far, but I LIVED for a live band night, especially on a patio. Soul Session used to do Thursday nights in the summer at Gaffneys and you’d get all ages gathering to dance and sing. It was a whole vibe. Guess you had to be there.

Fifthly, have you given up on reading this blog because it hasn’t even started yet and it’s definitely too long already? Chowderfest. I really don’t need to say anything about this other than, pre-2019, there were no open container laws and we were livin’ LOARGE dumping hot creamy soups and alcohol down our throats outside all day in February. If you’re still in Saratoga and not bogged down by responsibilities (children) pls do me a favor and crack a cold one on Caroline this Chowderfest in my honor. (But like don’t be obvious cause you can get arrested now.) I would say take a shot off the Sperry’s ice luge but I imagine a hunk of ice that everyone puts their mouths on didn’t survive Covid…

Closer – The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

We’re starting off with a bang because I can’t even begin to relay to you how INVINCIBLE I felt scream singing, “WE AIN’T EVER GETTING OLDER” with a bunch of other tipsy twenty-somethings in a crowded bar. So great that I also went on to name a Facebook album the very same thing. I’d still be posting 200 photo FB albums if I didn’t think I was going to get boo’ed off this planet. What a lost art it was to create a unique & entertaining caption for every terrible picture I posted. This generation’s “photo dump” girlies could never. But I digress…I don’t want to give The Chainsmokers all of the credit here because they turned out to be real big douchers who let this smash hit go right to their frat bruh heads, but this song is a *moment.* It perfectly captures what it’s like to be young and messy and make poor decisions. Halsey crushed as she always does and this was the time period when she started to release her own music, which I promptly became obsessed with as well. Also no hate to the roommate back in Boulder, but they made it sound cool as hell to be a mattress thief.

I’m A Mess – Bebe Rexha

Full discloszh, I heard this in Stop & Shop a couple months ago and this is the song that started my spiral back into creating this playlist. I was just browsing the shredded cheeses and almost teared up singing in my head “everything’s gonna be ok, that’s what my therapists say.” I had a visceral memory of singing this at my friend Kim’s apt, saying this was our new anthem because Bebe was crushing the self-love while also giving a shout out to her therapist. It was the message all of us insecure 20-somethings needed at that time. I sure believed Bebe that everything was gonna be alright. And guess what?! I’m no longer Venmo-requesting half of my rent from my parents and leaving the bar crying because my drunk boyfriend accused me of looking at the singer (who we were all looking at because he was performing) so it IS A GOOD, GOOD LIFE!

Bad Things – mgk ft. Camila Cabello

Listen, the girlies were going through a real bad girl moment in 2017. Taylor was in her Reputation Era and all the other pop hooches were like HEARD, we can do this. My friend Kelly introduced me to this song and for WHATEVER reason, I immediately correlate it with thigh high boots. For years I thought it was because Camila was wearing some in the music video and that’s what solidified that trend and me NEEDING to get a pair, but I just rewatched the video and homegrl ain’t wearing boots. So I guess it’s one of those moments my brain made up. For anyone who cares (no one) the-over-the-knee boot coincided with the bad grrl moment of 2017 and I dragged my mom to the mall (RIP) and got myself a pair of my own at The Bon Ton (RIPx2). I still have them and thank God I do because the trend swung right back around and I’ve never been more pleased to dust them off and debut them again. Boots as pants should FOREVER be a trend.

Also, fun fact, for whatever reason someone misspoke at work or drunkenly made up a word, and called that style of boots dopelopes, and ever since then, I actually struggle to call them anything else. If you think it’s stupid that I just wrote a whole paragraph about boots that are taller than normal, think about what a fuss I made at that time, the first night I wore them to the bar, with a sweater dress I specifically bought to wear with them! I forced a photoshoot with my BFF Kristi so the lewk could forever remain in our hearts and our minds. So basically, nothing’s changed because I still do that when I’m wearing a kickass outfit. PS s/o to mgk for being the toxic trashy boyfriend with a hot GF that’s too good for him for a full decade now. Quite an image to uphold.

The best part is after all that, you can’t even see my dopelopes in this picture!

Shape of You – Ed Sheeran

Ed had just released Divide in 2017 and I don’t think there was a day when I didn’t have that full album on repeat. (If you’re a longtime fan you’ll know that I gave it a track by track recap and it’s one of my faves he’s released.) I won’t punish your ears by putting Galway Girl on here even though I overplayed the shit out of that song this particular year. I even made it my alarm song, so I started each day ready to Irish jig all over the haters. Instead, I’ll include this bangpiece that was often in rotation at the pub. My hips DID NOT LIE when this beat was beatin.

My Own Worst Enemy – Lit

Sure, this song came out in 1999, but you’ve never experienced a REAL cover band unless they’ve let this song rip. This is such a classic drinking song, and I probably heard it every single weekend for 4 years straight. Quite literally never gets old. In fact, just the beginning guitar riff makes me taste Bud Light. Also, peek behind the scenes, when I was creating this playlist, I wanted to reach out to some friends who were a part of this era to make sure I included the songs that always made them think of our sloppy times, and while I was out here focusing exclusively of the pop hits of the time, they honed in on the 90’s and early 2000’s throwbacks these bands were singing as we moshed in the front row. Thank God for crowdsourcing because I was forever fuzzy on the deets in this time period. How could I forget being overserved and wailing PLEASE TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYY with 100 sweaty strangers?!

New Rules – Dua Lipa

I discovered Dua Lipa through this song and oOh baby did this one hit home. There was a brief period of time when all of my gal pals sent their boyfs packin. They blamed it on mercury being in retrograde or something, which is a fun PR spin to put on dumping guys that probably deserved to be dumped. Regardless, this song coincided with the great dumping. Say dump again, Julia. And WE WERE FEELIN OURSELVES. It was Summertime and the livin’ was track season, BB! So we were hitting the bars and trying to follow Dua’s v. strict set of rules. And then Fall hit and we had a great theme party to celebrate the end of Mercury f*cking around. Welp, 50% of us failed and ended up taking those boys back and I wore that boy’s Space Jam shirt to said mercury theme party. I would LOVE to have a moment where I’m like it was our twenties, tough stuff, lesson learned. But HA! I never learned my damn lesson and I can say with my WHOLE-ass heart, Dua knew what the hell she was talkin about and I should’ve listened to her then. 1. Don’t pick up the phone. 2. Don’t let him in. 3. Don’t be his friend. Happy to report that so far in 2025, I’ve followed all three rules. First time for everything.

Despacito Remix – Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber

This was Bieber’s last hurrah of making music before he got married/retired and he was ALL about the collabs with DJ’s and rappers and latin popstars and every single one slapped suh hard, it was tricky to choose just one. Picked this one for a little culture and because it’s an instant hip-swayer. Did I learn a lick of Spanish from this song (or the 4 years of actual Spanish classes that I took?) No. Did I learn how to put some stank on Puerto Rico? HELL YEA I DID! This is how we do it down in *POO-WHERE-TO* RICO.

Cheap Thrills – Sia

Whether there was a dedicated dance floor at a bar or not, during this era, I’mma be dancin. Realistically, by the time I arrived at the bar around midnight, I was already a bottle of wine deep and it wasn’t hard to feel loose enough to groove immediately. And this song is the epitome of a bop and lyrics are basically exactly what my life was at that point. Friday and Saturday night, get cute, toss back some adult bevvies and hit the dance floor. As we’ve previously established by questioning how I could afford any of this, I didn’t need money as long as I could feel the beat.

Snapback – Old Dominion

You may wonder what a country song is doing in a mix of clerb pop beats and that’s a valid concern. This song is singlehandedly responsible for me clasping onto a trend that I have yet to really let go of and it is the exact opposite of thigh high boots. A band full of hot country boys singing about how sexy it is for a girl to wear a backwards hat was ALL I NEEDED to think that I looked like a total babe soda in a backwards hat. I’ve always been a hat gal, but this period of time is when I really ratcheted it into another stratosphere and the very first enabler of this trend was none other than local band Toga Boys who decided to sell snapbacks for $5. I’d like to preface this story by saying that when I commit to a bit, I do it so hard that it might scare some people. My first summer back in Saratoga I discovered Toga Boys and their weekly residency at Gaffneys, realized I had a raging crush on the lead singer who wore the hell out of a backwards hat, and then made it my mission to be at pretty much every show he played ever. Not only did I look like a creepy groupie, but I took it a step further and talked him into giving me a free hat, then I proceeded to never take that hat off for a solid calendar year. I wore that thing everywhere and because of OD brainwashing me into thinking I looked hot, I HONESTLY THOUGHT I LOOKED HOT. I still wear backwards hats, mostly at the beach, but at least I now know I look like a total lez and I just DGAF. Still waiting on those royalties for creating the PERFECT album cover for Toga Boys should they ever release original tunes with that donut float.

…Ready For It? – Taylor Swift

I mean, I’m not gonna talk about Reputation and not include a song from it. To say this album was iconic would be the biggest understatement of the century. A country/pop star who never swore and always kept a pretty squeaky clean image goes basically into hiding for a few years and then drops THIS HEATER?! The album was all F-OFF anthems and her look was EMO. I was obsessed and I always think of this album when I look back on these years. It was a whole attitude and I embraced it full force with my chokers and my dark lipstick. SO hard to pick one song so I just went for the all encompassing fan fave and most annoying phrase that I’ve ever gotten stuck in my head.

S.O.B. – Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

Another nod to the local live music scene in Saratoga, after spending a couple of years stalking Toga Boys and their other band variations, I stumbled upon 2096 and suddenly, my obsession was transferred. Where Toga Boys leaned more into the classic and alt rock hits, 2096 incorporated more folksy stuff that you didn’t typically hear covered at the bar. I’ve only ever heard this song performed by them. In fact, this band was at the Stone Pony last year and when I heard this song I was like OH I KNOW THIS from Saratoga. Pretty offensive that the actual band was singing it and I was like ugh, it’s not 2096. Still don’t know any of the words, but I know SON OF A BITCH and oooooHHHHoooohHHoooooOOHOOhhhoohhh. And that’s all that matters. It’s such a fun group singalong song. Other honorable mentions from this band that got me in my feels EVERY time was Little Lion Man (another great crowd anthem) and Chasing Cars, which I had also never heard covered and legit teared up every time they performed it. Since I know how incredibly weird I was when I became super into a band, I will also issue a formal apology to these guys because I took “you’re a fun band to see live” the farthest always and I think I once DM’ed them a bunch of pictures I took of them performing like I was their social media manager. The pictures were awful as I was for sure seeing double. SORRY I’M A CREEP!

Sorry – Beyonce

JK I’m not sorry, cause Beyonce taught me to literally never be sorry and also that men ain’t shit. If you’re getting tired of me being like OMG ICONIC BAD GURLS, get over it because I’m TELLING YOU 2017 was for the gurleeeze. We were having ourselves a reckoning. Taylor vs. Kanye. Camila vs. mgk. Selena vs. Justin. Ariana vs. all of her exes. Beyonce vs. Jay-Z. Sir did you think you could cheat on Beyonce and she WOULDN’T have something to say?! Not only do I love a song that gives me permission to flip the bird as a dance move (and I definitely did) but without this song, we’d never have been gifted Becky with the Good Hair. It’s meant to be a burn, but honestly, I’d die to be called Julia with the Good Hair. So much so, that I somehow ended up translating the nickname to my boyfriend at the time because he had given me a nickname and I felt I should return the favor. Of course, his nickname for me was Droolz because I unfortunately had a period of time in my youth where I demanded to be called Jules and also food/spit were spraying out of my mouth almost every minute of every day. And I called him Becky with the Good Hair, Bex for short, because he had long hair that was for sure nicer than mine. Do you see the disparity? Boy, BYE.

This Is What You Came For – Calvin Harris & Rihanna

Even though we found out via ‘SCREW THE WORLD’ Tay that she basically wrote this song and let Calvin Harris take the credit because they were dating at the time, it doesn’t even matter because what A BANGER. This is exactly what you want to flail your limbs to on a Saturday night until 4am. For those of you unfamilz with Saratoga, there’s a bar on the corner of Caroline St called City Tavern and each floor all the way up to the roof has something different going on. The 4th floor was coined “the boom boom room” and I think you can picture exactly what that means. This is a boom boom room song. Strobes and mmst mmst mmst and Popcorn Brian grindin all up on YA. You’re welcome for that visz.

Summer of ’69 – Bryan Adams

My dad can vouch for this but my sister and I heard this performed out in Saratoga and immediately called and told him to learn it because we never want to see live music again without Summer of ’69. Credit to him because he did learn it and he’s played it every time we’re both at one of his gigs and we get up and jump around like idiots to it. It goes without saying that summer is my favorite season, so a song that glorifies all of the good times of summers when you’re young will always hold a special place in my very foggy memories. And not for nothing? You literally can’t beat a Saratoga Summer. So once again, thank you to Justin Joyner of Toga Boys, Motion Blur, & Gravity for bringing Summer of ’69 back into my life and ALSO putting up with me creepin fangirl style with my backwards hat and my weird ongoing bit in the summer of 2016 where I referred to you as my boyfriend without you knowing because I thought it was funny. Oop!

Stressed Out – Twenty One Pilots

I remember this song being bumped a lot, also Imagine Dragons’ “Thunder” which is kinda similar vibes but I’m sorry I can’t possibly give kudos to a song that just screams lightning and thunder over and over again. Anyway, this little ditty is tongue and cheek because I’m sure I sang it at the time with my whole heart wanting to turn back time to less stressful days. And now I listen to these lyrics and think WE WERE IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS. What the hell was I stressed out about at 25? Probably my bar tab.

All The Small Things – Blink-182

Another cover band crowd pleaser!! Gets the people going and I’ve never screamed WORK SUCKS, I KNOW harder for someone whose typical day at work consisted of sorting through chaps, dildos, and Four Loko dresses leftover from a Fat Jew show. Jk that was just one job. In this four year stint of living in Saratoga, I had 9 jobs. That’s not an exaggeration. 9 jobs in 4 years. Guess what? They all sucked. Jk the one where I planned beer festivals and got to travel to Hawaii was siiick. Too bad they laid me off after a cool 6 months. Now you know why I needed hit the bars as much as I did. “SAY IT AIN’T SO, I WILL NOT GO.” – Me when they turned the lights on at 4am.

Back To You – Selena Gomez

Remember the show 13 Reasons Why? You shouldn’t. It was DARK. Real hot in the streets at this time and this song was in it. I had to quit it cold turkey because watching all the reasons that a teenager commits suicide was not helping my newfound panic attacks, which also started around this time. Anyway, kinda unrelated but I just wanted to set the scene for what was hot in the streets 8 years ago. This song came out and everyone was like OBVIOUSLY THIS IS ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER and then I found out that a singer who I met in college (my cr33pin on musicians goes WAY back) wrote this hit. Awesome for him, not so much for all of us Selena-Biebs stans. As someone who more than once, unironically, referred to her own relationship as the Selena and JB of Saratoga because of how many times we broke up and got back together, I guess I can relate to this song. Also suuuuper catchy.

Mr. Brightside – The Killers

You wanna instantly liven up a room full of sloshed white people? Play Mr. Brightside. Epic. Whether it was being sung by the band or got queued up on Touch Tunes, everyone was comin out of their cage. See what I did there? For people my age, this song dropped at a pivotal time in our lives, 8th grade. We started having school dances in 7th grade. So essentially, I’ve been partying to Mr. Brightside since it debuted. And it brings the house down every damn time. And I’ll repeat this story until I’m 6 ft under but when The Killers do a show, they open with Mr. Brightside and I honestly can’t get over it. It’s either the cockiest move or the dumbest move because then everyone’s like peace thanks for the show. Either way, I can’t imagine ever hearing this song and not immediately feel ready to run through a brick wall and also take a tequila shot.

Truth Hurts – Lizzo

Ok, so the majority of the pop hits I’ve included in this playlist came out in 2016/2017. That’s when I was going hardest in the paint. By 2018/2019, I had considerably slowed my bar outings and was opting for more settled weekend activities. Read: I was broke as a joke and had to be more selective about which nights I wanted to throw money away and then also delete the following day to a full 24-hour hangover. All that to say, I slowed my roll, but when Lizzo hit the scene and blew the summer of 2019 wide open, it was GAME ON. You could not escape this song. You’d be scrolling IG and see 3 posts in a row with the caption, “I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% that bitch.” (Guilty.) I remember going to see The Jonas Brothers in Albany and the entire arena singing along to this as if Lizzo herself was onstage…it was literally just the pre-show music. Truth is, she posed a great question that we still don’t know the answer to: why men great til they gotta be great? You can get back to me on that.

Shut Up and Dance – WALK THE MOON

Closing out strong with a song that was requested every time we went out by my girl Kim. This was her jam and if a live band didn’t play it for her, they were dead to us. She’d command the dance floor and it was fun to sit back and watch her give her heart and soul to performing it every time it played, but it was even more fun to get in the mix and have the whole group scream-singing it. A solid core memory of my golden years of Saratoga and I will never hear this song and not think of that time. Plus, it’s just a clean, feel-good bop. A wholesome song about dancing to a snappy beat. Does it get any better?!

Alright, the playlist is over. Now go get a doughboy from Esperanto and stumble on home.

Oh, you’re still here? Great. Feast your eyes on a throwback to the relic of Facebook albums with this visual walk down memory lane.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/11/16

1. Bruh. Delete your Twitter. As if the Taylor/Calvin breakup wasn’t annoying enough, someone whispered into the wind that Tay actually wrote “This is What We Came For”-Calvin and RiRi’s smash summer hit under the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” (because that’s a normal name to come up with on the fly) and wanted to keep it a secret so as not to steal any spotlight from her then beau. Well spotlight has been ripped because the deed is done and instead of accepting that, Calvin took to twitter like a 9th grade girl scorned and writing a scathing away message to tell us all just what he thinks about that.

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When you’re surrounded by a team of people paid to make you look good at all times, at what point do they just change your twitter password and rip your phone from your hands? Calvin. Shhhh. You’re coming off really stupid right now. If you had left it at the first tweet everyone would’ve been like aw , that’s nice and carried on with their days. Instead you went on a whiny rant and dragged Katy Perry into the mix. Supes unnecessary. Meanwhile, Taylor’s busy cashing in on a very public romance tour with a guy who definitely isn’t as hot as you…and you won’t shut your yapper about it. Now that I’m done scolding Calv, I think it would be an ideal time to share with everyone that I’m now a Hiddleswift truther after reading two very convincing Buzzfeeds that their relationship is actually all part of a performance art piece ala Lemonade to drop in September. If you too would like to see the light of this hideously obnoxious music video in the making, click here for part one and here for part two. You may now go in peace to ignore all future movements by Hiddleswift and kick back for the main event in a few months.

2. Stop guessing if women are pregs just because we ate a big lunch. 

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If we are to believe that Taylor is purposefully flaunting all the stages of a relationship to send everyone a message to stop being so up in her shit about her love life, AND WE ARE, let’s add to the list that generally speaking the media should crawl out of the female vagina as a whole. What I’m referring to of course, is Jennifer Aniston’s essay as a result of someone trying to guess if she is pregnant for the 1 zillionth time. Spoiler alert: she’s not, and she’d like to have a little water weight without there being a twitter poll on what she’ll be naming her baby. And you know what? PREACH, GRL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts and my friends are calling me non-stop to see why they had to find out from Star Magazine that I was expecting. JK. Or am I? No but seriously one time I posed in front of the Christmas tree in a form-fitting sweater with my hands in front of my stomach and my mom’s friend asked if I was pregnant. SO THE HURT IS REAL. Not only was it presumptuous to assume that I was getting some, but also IT WAS CHRISTMAS COOKIE SEASON. I had a belly full of cutouts and green frosting and that seems pretty obvious. But I digress, and applaud Jen for finally telling everyone to STFU, in an extremely classy and well-written way, like she should’ve done roughly 10 years ago. Read the complete post HERE!

3. Watch this with the lights down low.

Seriously at this point you understand that my crush on JJ Decker just by herself, and then Eric Decker just by himself and then the two of them as a couple is pretty overwhelming. Well, then they lay this shit on me?! Oh, let’s just frolic and make out and toss each other around like we do on any other Monday night at home! I think I actually drooled a little bit while watching this and I couldn’t even tell you who I was focusing on, because it doesn’t matter. They’re both gorge.

4.Elle Woods 4Ever.

Legally Blonde turned 15 years old this week so Reese Witherspoon showed us all she’s still got it with a bend and snap and also by trying on all of the movie’s original costumes that of course still fit her. She’s 40. What a babe. That pink golf hat should be burned at the stake though.

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Seriously. 😂💖 #LegallyBlonde15

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5. Emmy Noms Takeaway.

Browse very long list right hurrrrrrr.

I always get excited when shows I watched are nominated for Emmy’s because it proves to me that not everything I watch is t-rash. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lip Sync Battle probably doesn’t belong on that list for “Outstanding Structured Reality Show”. Structured? Rly? Anyway, other highlights include UnReal and Constance Zimmer getting some recognition for being a boss bitch #moneydickpower. The People vs. OJ Simpson getting a lot of love (Sarah Paulson for the W) but like, did they toss David Schwimmer in there so he wouldn’t feel left out because his portrayal of Ross portraying Robert Kardashian was lolworthy. Even if he did spark a supercut of “Juice” that could basically be the theme song for this weekly installment. Making a Murderer squeezed in (props to me for jumping on that binge bandwagon) and Amy Schumer was of course littered throughout for her comedy specials and Inside Amy, because it is the year of her. Beyonce even got a little somethin somethin for Lemonade…further convincing me that I need to see that. Then I remember I have to buy it and say hmm better not. And those are my REAL educated overall gut reactions to the nomz. YA WELCOME.

BONUS: Blake is still kiLLin it.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/13/16

1. Everyone’s all up on Taylor’s Jock AGAIN.

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Honestly, People.com FIND YOUR CHILL. These screenshots were all from the day that news broke of Tay smooching Tom Hiddleston and it was downright embarrassing that they covered their website with these headlines.In a much more laid back way than People, I’d like to offer up the opinion that this is a weird rebound choice, tbh. Also Calvin deleting insta pics and unfollowing Tay on Twitter is a liiiiiiitttle high school and kind of defeats the “a relationship ended and what’s left is mutual love and respect” tweet post-breakup. Still doesn’t mean we need 15 stories dedicated to dissecting it. Jus sayin.

2. This is better than The Notebook rain scene.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DmAhyHemR8

Damn, Nick! This was hawt. At first I was like k, why is this B writhing in a bed and crying. Seemed pretty dramats for a song about not banging someone. Then they bang in a luxury rich people shower. And when I say bang, I mean he banged the diamond necklace right off of her. Fist bump. Say bang again.

3. Mila & Ashton Baby it up round 2.

milaashton

There should probs be a Hollywood law that you can’t procreate again until we’ve seen the first one. Seriously, what’s with all the privacy people? Tay pecks someone and it spews into 15 different stories but we can’t even get one peek at your baby? (cough cough Gosling cough) Anyway congratszzzz guys, I’m sure it will be cute af with a bizarro name. Editors Note: I used the google and actually found some pics of lil Wyatt which makes my whole blurb on this a moo point (cow’s opinion) but I’m too lazy to retype it. She’s adorbs, of course.

4. Could these two be cuter?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGs1CToMGQ9/?taken-by=robertearlbuckley

The answer is no, of course not. SUH CAYUTE. While we’re at it with posting insta’s from the Buckster, he’s really been on fire this week closing it off with this nostalgic gem:

 

5. I’m going through Chad withdrawals.

There was no Bachelorette this week and therefore, no Chad. So while I ordinarily don’t include bach news on the JUice (unless it’s an inevitable break up that I predicted, lookin at you Chris Soules) I needed to include this for a good laugh. This is Chad watching himself for the first time on the show and enjoying it just as much as I did. What a performance he gave us this season. Only 3 more days until we see his grand finale. Can’t w8. Side note: If you need humor today as much as I do, check out his entire instagram. It’s gold.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGqfuF7uSRY/?taken-by=realchadjohnson&hl=en

Bonus:

View this post on Instagram

#TheBachelorette re-voiced by kids.

A post shared by The Tonight Show (@fallontonight) on

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/30/16

I feel bad that we haven’t JUiced together in a while (if that sounds disgusting to you, pls know that I laughed while typing it.) And although there were only a couple noteworthy news stories this week, I still decided to post, y’know FOR ALL MY FANZ.

1. Tayvin is dunzo.

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After a little over a year…or as every news media outlet feels the need to point out FIFTEEN MONTHS (as if their relationship was a newborn baby that goes by age in months until they turn 5) T and C have broken up. It is rumored that Calvin ended it, and the two broke the “silence” about it a day after the announcement with:

So like, it’s over. They probsicles won’t get back together and the world will keep turning. Were they a hawt AF couple? Duhs. Since I’ve built a blog on my snarky hot takes I’m just going to throw it out into the breeze that not too long ago Taylor decided to chop all her hair off and bleach it real hard, also changing her look to 90’s grunge in the process. I’m not SPECIFICALLY saying that this was the cause of the breakup but like… come on. Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus ended their engagement rrrriiiight around the same time that Miley buzzed her head and started dressing like an off-duty stripper. Jus sayin. Tossing it right out there and you can feel free to toss it right back. I look forward to whatever hunk Tay snags in the future and hopefully an entire album full of All Too Well’s.

2. Zay-Gi is dunzo. (Did we ever even have a couple name for them? Whatever.)

gigizayn

After seven months of dating and a suuuuper weird music video for Zayn’s solo debut, these two have also called it quits. I mean, they really crushed the Met Ball red carpet but other than that I pretty much had no investment in this relationship. Zayn’s kind of a turd for leaving 1D just so he could release a couple songs with F bombs in them that hint at bedroom times. GiGi’s a smokeshow and realistically Zayn was outkicking his coverage in the first place. Guess that means the SQUAD IS SINGLE (please read in WOO girl voice). Selena, GiGi and Tay about to be out wrecking dick this summer. Was that too graphic? Good. SQUAD SUMMER COMMENCE. (Hey girls, give me a call if someone’s out sick one night and you need another single lady to hit the town with.)

3. The Hills is 10 years old.

lcshocked

10 years ago this week, we were introduced to a few 19 year olds who were juggling “work” and play in LA. That means 10 years ago I was dreaming of the day, when I too, was old enough to live by myself in the city and party hardy. Joke was really on me when I learned that young adulthood bloooows IRL when you don’t have a producer paying for everything. Anyway, usually the first to pretend The Hills didn’t exist, LC addressed the anniversary and announced a special to air August 2nd on MTV for the fans. It will include BTS stories and answer fan questions. YAAASSSSSSSS. Thanks for my belated bday gift, LC. THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED. Then they took it one step too far and are supposedly shopping a movie idea around (which LC has yet to sign on for…good call.) The rough plot is modeled after a Sex & The City movie and will catch up with the ladies in their marriages/baby life. NO. THANKS. That literally sounds HORRIBLE. Following a bunch of morons around as they navigated their 20’s on “reality” tv? Gold. Following a bunch of moms for a 2 hour movie? Dirt. Here’s hoping that never happens and instead we get a kickass special where Stephanie Pratt finally tells us she’s learned the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig.

stephguineapig

4. Put your muffs away, ladies.

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OH IF IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. BY. ALL. MEANS.

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This isn’t cute. This is junderwear. Junderwear is when Daisy Dukes get so short and tight that they basically just morph into your undercarriage and you’re essentially rolling around in a jean diaper. To be clear, this isn’t me body-shaming. I have a pair of jorts that slowly over time (100 pizzas and donuts later) turned into junderwear and I acknowledge the fact that they are such. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM SEXY. IT JUST MAKES THEM JUNDIES. Regardless, this is it’s own headline on the JUice because I’m sick of famous ladies being like hey check out my RB curtains, IT’S FOR FEMINISM or IT’S FOR GUN CONTROL! LoLzzzz! Seeing a lady’s basement does not make me think harder about problems facing our world, and then influence me to take action. And that’s just a fact. THESE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO SHOW OFF YOUR BITS. And that seems preeeetttttyyyyyyy obvious. End. Rant.

5. Here’s a music video that made me confused.

Timeflies released a music video for their catchy jam Once in a While. Except it’s pretty weird. Either way I didn’t have five things to talk (type-yell) about this week so just enjoy this beat, feast your eyes on Cal and wonder what the motive was behind having a girls’ eyes spazz out and wink one at a time for a music video. That pool party looked fun though…my invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

PS Happy National Donut Day! I waited until I was safely in the confines of my vehicle to go to town on my frosted treat. Unfortunately, I was still technically at work and was caught red-handed taking a donut selfie. Whoops. Sometimes bragging to others is more important than actually enjoying the donut. Which I did. Real hard.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/14/16

1. Think twice before you eat food, YOU ANIMALS. 

This is Seth Rogen’s latest venture and obviously it has all the key players of a Seth Rogen production. It’s dirty and it has all of his BFF’s in it. Apparently it’s the very first R rated animated movie. I can definitely get down with it. Except for the whole bun character. I don’t need to stare at an animated vagina for 2 hours. Jus sayin. Really makes you think twice about how you’re considered a murderer every time you shovel food down your gullet. JK CARROTS CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK, GUYS. I’m going to go ahead and keep inhaling food at an alarming rate, thanks.

2. Child Stars who aren’t F’ed up.

Since everyone knows the 90’s was that hawt shit, today’s tv and movies are doing everything they can to feed off of that decade. Next up, a reality show featuring child stars Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), Christine Lakin (Al Lambert), and Beverly Mitchell (Lucy Camden). It’s supposed to follow them now and show how well adjusted they are. (I guess we’re going to gloss right on over Jodie Sweetin’s casual meth addiction…) I’m not sure if this will be must-see TV. UNLESS Bev spills on what it was like to tongue Lance Bass on the set of 7th Heaven. Lucy may have been a diehard Christian but that didn’t stop her from being all about that bass and I’d love to hear some juicy deets.

lance

3. Taylor Swift the swimsuit model. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_jaOUDvGT/?taken-by=taylorswift

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_jtBajvGy/?taken-by=taylorswift

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_kJdot3HT/?taken-by=calvinharris

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_k8m4t3Ih/?taken-by=calvinharris

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_lkvFt3JV/?taken-by=calvinharris

Taylor and Calvin just rang in their one year and decided this week to celebrate with a bunch of bikini shots of Taylor in a tropical location. HOT DAMN legs for days. Who knew Tay had it in her? Suddenly the girl who only showed her belly button one time and it was front page news is striking mad sultry poses in a bikini (still no belly button b-t-dubbs.) Calvin’s bod ain’t so bad either, I guess.

4. Mariah tries to stay relevant.

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Mariah Carey got a reality show called “Mariah’s World” on the Kardashian network. When asked about the show, Mariah said,“I thought it would be a good opportunity to kind of, like, show my personality and who I am.” Since Mariah is a notorious asshole diva I’m assuming she’s trying to rehab her image a touch. Watch her plan her billion dollar wedding this summer on E!

5. Hit the gym, bruh.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/15

1. SELENA GOMEZ, YOU LITTLE MINX, YOU. New song from SelGo that has been teased for weeks, even bestie Tay chimed in that it was her favorite thing Selena’s ever done (bold) and the music video dropped this morning wherein she writhes around on a floor, on the couch, in a chair and in the shower. Get it, girl. Show Biebs what he gave up. This is one of those rare things that I included for my male readers, which I believe I have 0.0 of. But whatevs, enjoy your boner jamz cause Selena just wants to look good for YOU.

2. Magic Mike, As Told By Children. In this skit, JFall and Channing act out Magic Mike as written by elementary school kids and it’s supes cute. Mostly because we all know the real story of Magic Mike and it’s not about aliens or fixing bike tires, it’s about Mike’s magic penis grinding all up on some ladiezzz to the sweet, sweet melody of Ginuwine.

3. Seth and Amy Boom, Roast a Twitter troll. A Sports Illustrated guy tweeted something this week about how women’s sports are boring so Seth & Amy brought back the SNL Weekend Update “Really?!” bit to dump all over him and his sexist tweets. As a former soccer player (1 season, kindergarten) I can’t speak for if it’s entertaining to watch but I will say that it is EXHAUSTING to run up and down that field. I quit before the pros started looking at me because it was too much running, not enough orange slices during timeouts. Props to our ladies for having the stamina to run around in the World Cup.

4. Bristol Palin is preggerz. I don’t pretend to know anything about politics but I’m pretty sure the Palin’s paraded around like hardcore Christians and lil miss Bristol is on baby #2, unwed. Whoopsies! The best part about this isn’t the fact that she’s pregnant but the way that she announced it with, and I quote “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.” This is basically the equivalent of being like shiiiiiitttt, I got knocked up again, saarrryyyy guys. No news yet on if baby daddy is the guy she just called off her wedding with…but you can be sure I will report it when I find out. It’s ok guys, I know how to tackle the hard-hitting news.

5. T.Swizzle, CEO of the Music Industry.

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As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, with just the tapping of a few keys, Tay brought Apple to it’s knees. (Unintentional but PRETTY POETIC rhyme right there.) Ok, so there was more to it than that but what’s really important here is that Apple was like hey we’re going to debut our new streaming service that completely copies Pandora and Spotify but it’s BETTER and we’re going to give everyone a 3 month trial fo freeeee, and Taylor was all Dear Apple, Ain’t nobody gettin my shit fo free and Apple was all, Dear Taylor, Ok. We’re sorry. Artists who don’t make billions from touring gave Ms. Swift a golf clap for repping the entire music industry and she just casually went back to playing with her cats.

Full Letter Here

Apple’s Response:

Calvin Harris supporting his boo:

I hope that you also write a letter this weekend and change the world. Or just get drunk and play outside in the sun. Same thing.

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