Television

Dawson’s Creek Top Embarrassing Moments

The celebratory day has come where they’ve thrown Dawson’s Creek into syndication in hopes of a revival of new fans pleading for a reunion. Unfortunately since I do not have a TV in my cubicle, I can’t enjoy the return to the Creek, which has caused me to consider quitting my job just for a daily episode of Dawson’s. I’m sure my boss would understand. Anyway, as I was brainstorming different blogs I could write in commemoration of a show so good that I blew through the first three seasons while living in a different country (some choose to immerse themselves in the foreign culture, I chose to immerse myself in Capeside), the moments I kept recalling were those that gave me the cringes. The times when the characters-mostly Joey and Dawson, the two most insufferable TV leads in history-did something that made me want to cover my eyes and hide from the screen. I think these times are what sums up Dawson’s best as the pinnacle teen drama and so without further ado, all the cringes in the world.

Beginning rightfully so, with the worst theme song to ever exist…take it away yodeler crooning about hearts and arrows and sunsets:

Paula Cole was ROBBED.

Dawson asks his dad how to kiss

There are two REAL icky parts to this scene. First of all, Dawson legitimately asks his dad what the technique is for kissing which ensues in a show and tell of him macking a Joey mannequin head. His dad pointing to his lip and telling Dawson to keep it loose and relaxed made me almost upchuck. Second, Joey peeping Tom’s the whole thing from the upstairs balcony with her shirt wide open over a bikini top. WHAT?! I’m also almost positive that she needs a change of undies after watching Dawson tongue her replica head. See: last picture.

If you’re bold enough and aren’t worried about losing the contents of your stomach watch the scene here from 8:32-12:00:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsCVyF29C8E

Everyone talks obsessively about sex, but no one actually has it

Dawson’s little chatski with his dad about smooching begins because he’s wondering where his camera is and Dawson’s dad is like oh it’s in the bedroom where your mom and I just filmed a sex tape, please leave that behind when you take your camera back. Which leads me right to the casual sex conversations that occur every episode, yet there’s almost NO actual sex. Thank God for Jen because she brings a little spice to the show but obviously she’s labeled as a real NYC whorebag. Joey holds onto her V-card until season 4 with Pacey then pretty much never has sex again, Dawson spends his entire existence crying about being the virg but turns down sex from several ladies just so he can whine more. Remembs slutty Eve?! Anyway, don’t expect any ‘tration in the Creek unless it has been dissected verbally for years beforehand.

Jack poses nude for Joey

Jack still thinks he’s a straight and pursues naïve little Joey who is trying to be really artistic. Jack poses nude for her because they’re SO adult (16?) and uh oh, they start chit chatting about sex and he pops a boner mid-sesh. I wonder if Joey sketched that in to be true to her art? Nope, it turns out she went for the carefully positioned leg to cover up that sitch. Anyway, moral of the story is that Jack compares sex to Starry Night, and also he’s afraid of it.

Andie and Dawson sing the blues

Dawson is all wah wah over Joey (what’s new?) and Andie has a shitty home life so they decide to get buzzed and hit the stage at a blues club to embarrass themselves and me, as well. Dawson singing about Jack being gay, Andie using a tacky “blues” (can we call it that?) accent and reminding us her name is Andie. AGH. Someone box my ears.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOwB0NjRaBo

Joey sings ALL.THE.TIME

Joey Potter SUCKS at singing, and yet we are forced to watch her take the stage SEVERAL times throughout the series. I’m really not sure why they kept trying to make Joey the songstress happen but my ears forever wished it would stop. First we had a little talent contest where she takes on a braodway song with her baby bird whiny voice, then there’s karaoke and finally in her college years, Joey is like why not join a rock band, amirite? Her singing is better this time around…was she drunk? Was I drunk? There’s no way to really tell but better still sucks and finally by the last season she had retired the mic—but the damage had already been done. Memories of her shrill voice and gyrations will cloud my brain until the day I die.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cyM3L2n5mg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu9iK8QCV0U

Dawson drops out of film class and redecorates his room.

Butthurt over someone else being good at making movies, Dawson drops the class to “step away and recharge his batteries” like this is has been his career for 20 years and not just a HIGH SCHOOL CLASS. In the wake of reinventing himself as someone whose not a loser, he decides to clear his walls of movie posters and hang John Lennon’s “Imagine” poster, making him an even bigger loser. Not dramats at all, Dawson.

Joey hates alcohol but loves bucket hats

Good ole Josephine Potter is dating AJ the college boy, thus allowing her to act like she’s eons above high school morons except SHE CAN’T EVEN DRIVE YET. Since her boy chose studying over a Valentine’s date, she’s forced to tag along with Dawson and Pacey to a field party. Joey obviously shits all over drinking and says it’s for the scum of the earth then ends up attending the party WEARING A BUCKET HAT…in the middle of winter…in Massachusetts. What a party animal.

Watch beginning to 2:07 for full effect of dialogue suited for PhD students and not 16 year olds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNVL_aks_SE

Dawson’s cry face

I mean…for obvious reasons this is the top cringeworthy moment for this show and probably all of television for how much gif play it gets on the internet to this day. The most hideous of cry faces and it’s all over a girl not choosing him. Pls drown yourself in your tears, Dawson.

4:00 mark should do it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaYyK63YSS0

Pacey and Joey do story time on True Love

Coming back from a summer sharing a boat called “True Love” to the rumors of did they or didn’t they bone is a pretty typical thing for a high school couple. Since we all know Joey is a real square and Pacey lost his V to a teacher like a BAMF, there was cause for believing nothing actually happened. As they whine about it the whole episode, finally we get our redemption when Joey says, “Hey Pace, can we do that thing we do sometimes?” Obviously we all rub our hands together in anticipation for a little rocking of the boat. NOPE. We find out that they’ve spent the past few months popcorn reading in bunked hammocks while holding hands. Boner. Kill.

Start at 40:25:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNw1Sx5xCQo

Dawson’s dad dies eating an ice cream cone.

I understand that every dramatic show needs to kill off a supporting character once in a while to shake things up so I’m not mad they killed off Mitch because Dawson needed to man up and have a real tragedy occur in his life to show him that getting rejected from NYU wasn’t the end of the world…but COME ON…happy-go-lucky Mitch doing a car solo to “Drift Away” while enjoying an ice cold snack and then reaching down for a little floor ice cream only to swerve to his death…IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY? Mitch deserved more than death by frozen treat.

Jen snags Dawson’s V.

Yikes, Jen. Not a good look. No girl ever wants to be the one to snatch up a guy’s V card and you willingly do it for the WHINEST, CLINGIEST guy who has always been in love with your friend? Woof. Generally Jen is a real badass in the series and therefore deserves much more fist bumps than she does cringes, but this is one I couldn’t give her the knucks for. Related but also kind of unrelated: the winter PJ’s set. SEXY.

Pacey’s goatee

Ick. This thing was atrocious and I commend the fact that most of the characters agreed with me. Pacey’s goatee got a lot of chirping, as it should have, and finally Joey got to shave it off him in the least sexy scene of all time that somehow led to their romantic reunion. Shaving is an aphrodisiac apparently.

Jen’s Bangs

Ok, I promised I wouldn’t harp on Jen that much because she was pretty cool but like I will not go quietly into the night about season 6’s bangs atrocity. These weren’t just bangs, these were I accidentally got drunk and was near scissors, bangs. What makes it worse is that things finally start to go swell for Jen’s love life with CJ the total dreamboat and yet her forehead mustache stays intact. WHY.

Relive all these cringes and more on ABC Family at Noon, M-F. Play us out, Paula!

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Fantasy Pork in Cork

Saaarrryyyy this is a day late. I did that thing where I pretended the 4th of July went through Monday and had a tough time coming back to real life. Anyway, back to the not real life of Kaitlyn Bristowe. Did you guys know that she had sex? I wasn’t sure if you heard about it or anything but spoiler alert, Kaitlyn let someone enter her pre-fantasy suite and we’re never going to hear the end of it. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world talking about your vagina because you banged someone you were dating? Mull it over while I talk about other things, but WE WILL RETURN TO THIS TOPIC. Why? Because this show won’t let it go.

“Let’s Make Today Unforgettable”- Ben

ABC rented an island for the day so that two adults could play hide and seek. Just kitten, Ben suggesting they play hide and seek was cute AF. That’s my kinda guy right there (immature.) Ben says the role of husband means being attracted to his wife. Kaitlyn says a husband is someone who won’t leave her when she gets annoying. Both valid points. Ben fears that he is unlovable. This is not an exaggeration; this is a literal dumb sentence that fell out of his open mouth. Shh, Ben just keep looking pretty. Kaitlyn is like that’s so great that you told me you think nobody loves you because I maybe, might, possibly could be thinking about falling in love with you. I’m guessing she’s a little gun shy after telling Shawn he was the one and having him poop himself about it. Ben says overnights are not about sex and he can’t wait to just talk all night. YIKES. Kaitlyn obviously assumes he’s a virg because he’d rather have a gab sesh slumber party. She asks him outright and he says, girl, please.

“Let’s Let Our Love Run Amuck”-Joe, Shawn, Nick

Say it with me now…

Shawn steals Kaitlyn to make up for lost time with his mouth. Then Kaitlyn asks Nick how he feels about the two of them having sex on TV before it’s ok to have sex on TV and he’s like I feel great, I don’t regret it at all and Kaitlyn is all yeah totally, me too, I was gonna say that…I just wanted to see what you were gonna say first. So apparently we’re all supposed to forget about the three weeks she cried and said it was a mistake or something.

Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s ready marriage. He shows her he’s ready for it by coming at her face REAL quick with his eyes open for a smooch. (This will play out in my nightmares.) He then pours out all of his feels that he’s in love with her and will be frenching her until she’s 60. Slow your roll, Joe. Even though Joe’s shelf life was maximum another week, Kaitlyn gets all the uncomfies by him saying he loves her so she cuts him loose immediately. Joe handles it a WHOLE lot better than Cupcake. Instead of sobbing into a scarf and contemplating a hurdle to his death, he turns into a dick. He shakes off the sappies and tells Kaitlyn this was fun and when she tells him to stop acting tough he says, “nah it’s cool, no worries, man,” like his buddy just told him he accidentally drank his beer instead of totes getting his heart stomped on. It’s safe to say that I like Joe Cool 1000x better than the snoozefest we’ve seen this whole season. His bitter exit was the most entertaining thing to happen this episode.

After Joe skates out without allowing the cameras to capture his last thoughts, which probably would’ve been “it’s whatever…it was fun until it wasn’t,” Nick is sent back to the house and Shawn gets more date time. Kaitlyn word vomits up her sex confession and tells Shawn that her and Nick went too far. He wants to know why she’s telling him at all and I’d like to know why she’s only telling him…oh wait, because he’s clearly the ONE. Never mind, she did take-backsies on telling him that. Indian giver. Shawn excuses himself to go to the bathroom so he can try to flush himself down the toilet and escape this situation. Nick wah-wah’s that he didn’t get more time while Shawn softly weeps in the “Gents” room of a seafood restaurant. Finally Shawn decides to man up and accept that lispy got to plow Kaitlyn’s fields first (or at all.) Other things that happened: The phrase “forgone conclushion” comes out of Nick’s mouth roughly 4 times for no particular reason while he continues to blubber to the others about how Shawn’s getting time instead of him. Also Shawn only refers to Nick as “the other guy” and I feel like he could’ve come up with a more dig-tastic nickname than that.

Rose Ceremony:

There is no cocktail party because Kaitlyn already knows whom she’s going to ~~marry~~ date for a couple of months at this point and the rest is just for ratings and dissection of her sex life.

Shawn is called first and has decided to choose this moment during the rose ceremony to ask why she picked Nick to have sexual relations with when she KNOWS Shawn hates him. Alright Shawn, you’ve exhausted your possessive passes for this season. I can’t stand by this anymore. Obviously Kaitlyn thinks he doesn’t trust her. Go figure. He still accepts the rose. So do Ben & Nick and I have a glorious time bidding farewell to Jared because I never have to fight the very strong urge to punch him square in the face ever again.

Fantasy Suite with Nick (What’s the point?)

They go to a cathedral but instead of engaging in foreplay again, they talk about Nick’s parents meeting in church. Nick admits he’s not religious but felt really guilty “the first time he touched his privates” HIS PRIVATES. ICK. Ugh. Woof. Vomit. Other than sounding like a real perv and making me want to puke, I just wish that Nick would STOP USING WORDS THAT END IN S. He also says he has “insecurities.” (Double S’s)

In a creepy jail in Cork, Nick says he doesn’t like Shawn because he doesn’t respect guys “who say they’re Eskimo brothers with a country singer because they F’ed the same girl in the same night.” To be clear he shares this unprompted and pretty off topic, ok, narc. Smooth way to work that into the conversation. Also not for nothing but Shawn’s insta is full of pics with Thomas Rhett, so I’m using my investigative skills to assume that’s his Eskimo brother. Seems pretty bragworthy, jus sayin. Anywho, Kaitlyn is like ok thanks for sharing, let’s get right to the penetration. No mics during relations this time, because it’s acceptable to have sex in the fantasy suite but not before then. Remember? The next morning they share ham while barely dressed. Kaitlyn has some interesting morning hair but her full face of makeup makes me believe she did not wake up like this.

Shawn vs. Nick

Shawn rolls up on Nick and his toggle wool sweater and the two bro fight and say they hate each other. There is nothing noteworthy about this exchange, and yet still it needed to be continued. Until next week, when this argument probably ends with “F U, bruh.”

P.S. Brady and Britt are still together but Brady is going back to Nashville because he might have to work or go home at some point. Britt is still wearing a knit cap because this span of their relationship was all shot in one day. Ok. Thank you for the 30-second update, good luck with your “long distance” relationship.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Cliffs of No Moher Cupcake

We return to the couch of shame…Shawn asks Kaitlyn if she’s in love with him. Apparently he thinks it’s the Shawn show, and basically it is for me, but I guess other people might see this as a little egocentric. Shawn, bubby, baby, this is a scripted show and she has to give roses to other guys sometimes, otherwise your storyline would be demoted to the credits each week like Britt and Brady…because two people dating is not quality TV. Kaitlyn tells Shawnie to make a decision and he decides that they should mack it up on the couch. Good decision, Shawn. Bravo!

Meanwhile, Tanner, the town gossip and US Weekly’s #1 subscriber, talks shit with Nick about Shawn. Tanner rubs his palms together and cannot WAIT to see what happens when he pits Shawn and Nick against each other for his own entertainment, I cannot WAIT until Tanner gets eliminated without anyone really knowing who he is.

2 on 1 Date- JJ & Joe

I’m not going to lie to you all, I shamelessly anticipated this date with glee once I saw that she was taking the boys on a boat ride to a remote island, knowing that eventually one would be left there. Visions of the Badlands and Dum Dum Soules flying off in a helicopter, leaving Kardashley and Kelsey to throw sand at each other clouded my head. These thoughts were soon interrupted by the most snoooooozeworthy two on one date EVER. Joe the Slow tells Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her and she’s one in a million and seals it with several passionate smooches. Kaitlyn is blown away, either by Joe’s feels or the gusty winds on the cliff they’re hanging out on, not sure which one.

“Today’s the biggest day of my recent life.”-JJ

JJ uses his time with Kaitlyn to bare his soul and confesses that he cheated on his wife three years ago BUT he’s learned his lesson because he lost everything and lives in his parents basement now. Let’s lay this out in clearer terms…JJ the douchenozzle former investment banker cheated on his wife when she had a newborn but he’s sars! Kaitlyn’s first response is that cheating is her worst fear in a relationship and we already know that JJ the slime ball will be thinking about what he did on those cliffs in just a few short moments. Kaitlyn sends JJ home to “be with his daughter” which is code for “I’d prefer not to marry someone who will be getting his rocks off elsewhere while my vagina is still healing from pushing out our child.” Kaitlyn tells Joe she needs more time to fall in love with him, aka JJ just bought Joe another week, tops. They continue the date while JJ continues to mourn the loss of Cliff and now Kaitlyn too.

Joe comes back and tells everyone his date was great and they “spent some time on the couch together.” Ok Nick 2.0, calm down. Joe confesses to his bros-in-waiting that he’s falling in love with her and everyone giggles and fans themselves and Shawn storms out like a drama King who can’t stop blabbering about how Kaitlyn told him off camera that he’s the one. Shawn rolls up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room AGAIN and she has a meltdown that he’s found out about her extracurriculars with Nick and while she’s hyperventilating Shawn is like “Sup?” To be clear, Shawn still has no idea that she allowed Nick to ‘trate her, he’s still whining about the fact that she told him that he was the one. Pretty boy still doesn’t understand how the show works and Kaitlyn has to reiterate that she will have multiple boyfs until the very last episode. I’m scared for Shawn finding out about Nick. Real scared (read: excited.) Kaitlyn says last week (off-camera) was a mistake because clearly now Shawn is clingy AF and she regrets reassuring him much more than she regrets her mic’ed up romp with Nick in Dublin.

Cocktail Party:

Kaitlyn starts off by making a speech about mistakes and obviously all of the insecure baby bitches immediately assume they are the mistake. Nick is like I don’t know if you guys noticed but I have a rose and I’m STILL really nervous. I think I speak for all of the contesticles when I say,STFU, Nick. Ben H. sits with Kaitlyn by the fire and tells her he’s super jelly belly about whatever it was that Kaitlyn said to Shawn when she snuck down to see the two of them and he regretfully had to take a shower. Seriously, Ben H.? You couldn’t have waited until she left to shower? I’m guessing Kaitlyn will never again ham it up without cameras…she cries her way out of this one, naturally. Side note: now that I watch UnREAL and basically know everything there is to know about filming this show, I know for a fact that there would always be someone on call with a camera so exactly how did this “several hours” of off camera bizz go down? Especially considering that she had sex with a mic pack on? HMMMM….seems suspicious.

Anyway, back to the cocktail party, Nick’s like hey remember how I was inside of you? We’re still Gucci, right? And Kaitlyn is like yeah as long as you don’t blab to everyone (like when you ratted Andi out), snitches get stitches. Nick tells Kaitlyn not to worry because he didn’t tell anyone it was intimate or special when that is literally EXACTLY what he told the bros-in-waiting the next morning. Then Nick cries but I don’t really know why. I guess he’s scared she’s going to chuck him when she finds out Shawn is better in bed? I don’t know. Go to speech therapy, Nick. Please. Especially if you’re going to make TV dating your career.

Shawn stares at the fire with a strong drink in his hand, swirling the dark liquor around as he recalls watching fireworks from a canoe with Kaitlyn wrapped warmly in his embrace. (See, Chris Harrison, I too, could write a romance novel.) He’s taking the broody girlfriend bit a little too far, if you ask me. Show us those washboard abs! Soap opera music soundtracks his chat with Kaitlyn where they both say they made mistakes and use a lot of clichés like bump in the road and taking a step back. I never thought I would say this but their time togets is beginning to get exhausting. There needs to be some lovin soon or I’m going to be forced to bring my Team Shawn flag to half mast in mourning.

Rose Ceremony:

Nick, Jared, Joe, Ben H., Cupcake, Shawn

BenZ (thank God we only have one Ben now) and Tanner are dunzo, Tanner will probably start a blog about the show and BenZ tries to convince us he can’t find a girlfriend. Also he mentions his dead mom again.

Road Trip with Jared

Kaitlyn sucks at driving, they took a bunch of selfies, kiss the blarney stone and I still want to punch Jared square in the dome.

C.Harrison interrupts our countdown to Cupcake’s tears by sitting down for some good ole fashioned real talk with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn confesses that she regrets every single thing that she’s done on and off camera, basically and Chris replies with “That’s good.” Interesting form of psychoanalysis there. He then suggests switching things up so that the guys who haven’t gotten bone time will have the opportunity to level the playing field (if you know what I mean) before hometown visits. Chris, you perv, you, telling Kaitlyn to get after it! I support this wholeheartedly.

Cupcake One on One @ Cliffs of Moher

Kaitlyn dons a sassy pony and takes Cupcake on a helicopter ride around Ireland and to the Cliffs of Moher. They talk about their futures and Kaitlyn keeps referring to this process as finding her “forever”, which I think is cute that she’s still thinking her final rose relationship will last more than a year, tops. Shit gets real, real quick when Cupcake goes all therapy on Kaitlyn, puts his face entirely too close to hers and asks how she’s doing. Kaitlyn cries and says, “This is the hardest thing for me in this moment.” A new rating scale for how hard things are, moment by moment. My mind is blown by just how hard things can be. In the end, Kaitlyn tells Chris she doesn’t see herself marrying someone who drove up in a candy corn cupcake and she leaves him to sob and contemplate suicide on the cliffs.

After seeing these tears teased for two hours I was prepared for disappointment when they actually happened. But I was NOT disappointed. The dramatic waterfall of tears and hiccupping sobs coming out of Cupcake’s body were SO WORTH IT. He hides his ugly cry face in a scarf and tells himself to pull it together. IT WAS GOLD. Such sadness coming from such white teeth…sorry Cupcake, at least you’ve kick started your career on Broadway!

On a final note, try as they might, the editors of The Bachelorette did their best work to show reaction after reaction that we are to assume is about Nick and Kaitlyn’s tryst but I would like to reiterate that for yet another week literally no one knows anything about the porking that occurred in Dublin and I can only imagine the floodgates that will open after they do the big reveal…if EVER. Seriously, Kaitlyn, just tell them…for all of us.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.

“I want a rose so bad that I would pull my own tooth for one.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I seem extra snarky this week but I sat for two hours last night on a bed I was basically sticking to due to my 1000 degree apartment, just to watch an episode that began and ended with a cliffhanger and the in between was some behind-the-door moans. Anyway, in the continuous episode that is this season, we pick up mid-rant with Kaitlyn and our buddy Ian who is number 5 (?) in the crew of “I’m here to become famous” contest-icles. Kaitlyn takes in all that Ian has to say with silence and a few “oh, you serious” sass faces as he basically tells her he was looking for a vulnerable girl to prey on. Ian defends himself though by saying, “you asked us to be honest, sooo you basically gave me permission to verbally assault you.” Deuces, Ian. All aboard the douche-caravan. His parting words were, “I’m being punished for being intellectual,” and I can only assume that Kelsey from last season caught wind of this and immediately asked Ian to be a part of her amazing story full of large vocabulary words.

Before Kaitlyn can shed any tears, it’s Nick to the rescue! He wraps her up in a big slobber hug and the rest is incoherent because I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I physically can’t understand a word he sssssaysssss. Then he takes a quick chomp on her finger…which isn’t flirting, Nick, it’s what I do with my sister’s dog when I want to pretend he’s attacking me. And lastly, Nick tells Kaitlyn, “you do not disappoint” as he pushes his boner against her hip. Shawn-us interruptus catches this all and runs away crying.

The Alamo- Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tries to make the rose ceremony about him by not so slyly announcing this was his home state. Unfortunately, the rose ceremony is not about Chris OR bad hair because the two worst hairstyles are swiftly eliminated, as they should have been. All the awards in the world to the producers who probably told Joshua they didn’t have time to fix his terrible haircut for the rose ceremony, knowing his fate and making sure he looked his absolute worst for it. Golf clap. Hey Joshua, you look like a DOOOFUS!

DOOFUS, DOOFUS, DOOFUS!

Roses: Ben H., Nick, Shawn, Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, BenZ, Tanner

Dublin, Ireland, One on One Date with Lispy

Next logical stop after The Alamo? Ireland, duh. Nick is picked for the one on one date and has 10 minutes to change from his grey boner pants to an even tighter pair of green boner pants. I start to get genuinely concerned that I won’t be able to recap this date because I can’t understand Nick, but my worries quickly fade when I see that there is essentially no talking, just rubbins. Kaitlyn flails around some pigeons, then Nick flails in a Irish step dancing performance and nearly rips his jeggings. The remaining activities consist of Nick trying to swallow Kaitlyn’s head in various public places in Dublin. According to Nick, their physical relationship is “rock ssssholid.”

Later, they grope in a church, truly rounding out the Irish date of soft-core porn. Nick whispers sweet nothings in Kaitlyn’s ear mostly along the lines of “I’m dying…you’re giving me blue balls, can we bone now…” you know, real romantic stuff. Kaitlyn is like ok here’s a rose because I think we’re still doing that TV show thing and now let’s get to the ‘tration.

Shawn and Jared gossip about Nick and are like fingers crossed she’s having a shitty time right now–meanwhile, Nick is slipping his digits up Kaitlyn’s skirt on her hotel couch. Then this show tapped right into my nightmares of the days when I had to listen to my roommate getting friendly with boys in our shared dorm room in college and the sloppy kissing sounds and awk foreplay when they forced us to watch a closed door and listen to Nick giving Kaitlyn multiples while he pet her hair and lapped at her mouth (probably.) Apparently when you go to poundtown on TV, you also keep your mic packs on. Showing them closing the door would have sufficed, THANKS. On the bright side, now I can add Kaitlyn’s moans to the list of things I never ever want to hear again for the rest of my life.

The following day, Nick takes the walk of shame with a shit-eating grin, sits down for story time with the boys and said they just talked. I overcompensated for how smart these jabronis are when I assumed they would immediately guess that he boinked her but apparently these morons have never heard of a girl and a guy TAALLLKKING. Nick basically did everything short of showing them the footage when he grinned and said it was intimate but no one caught on.

RIP Kaitlyn-Tanner, BenZ, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Cupcake

Hear ye, hear ye, Kaitlyn is dead. She died from Nick giving her a rare strand of Chlamydia and the leftovers are attending her wake for a group date. If there were ever a point when I would give up on a TV show it would have been this exact point, but since I only watch it to make fun of it I hung in there. Chris Harrison admitting, however, that this was “a little” ridiculous almost caused me to launch at the TV. Oh really, Chris? Just a LITTLE? The boys gather around Kaitlyn lying in a coffin and give their eulogies. I wish that was a sentence that I made up, but alas it isn’t. Unfortunately for BenZ who actually lost his mom, death isn’t really a topic that’s all about LoL’s on TV for him. Gawd, Kaitlyn, read the room before you fake die. He gets super emosh about it and makes everyone clear the room.

Later, the boys take time to chat with Kaitlyn because whoever gets rosed spends the rest of the night with her and everyone else has to bizounce. Shawn shows her pictures of his family (d’awww), Jared calls Kaitlyn a beautiful corpse like the stupid creep that he is (and also brings up her old man laugh for the 10000th time) and yet his patchy ass beard on that punchworthy face of his still gets the rose. Shawn is sad panda about it. He shouldn’t be, because the reward for getting a rose is going to a cathedral for a personal concert by The Cranberries. Yes, you heard me correctly, the obscure Irish 90’s band whose most famous song is most definitely about a fart is who they chose as a prized performance. But for serious though, last season’s star power was Big & Rich and now The Cranberries? You would think a #1 rated show could lock down a musical guest from this decade, no? Obviously The Crans perform “Linger” because romance.

While Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance to an ode to flatulence, Shawn pulls a producer aside to strong-arm him for dirty deets on whose been in Kaitlyn’s bed. It turns out that the reason he needs to know so badly is because he also spent some bedroom time with Kaitlyn, except he was classy enough to do it OFF camera and he’d probably like to know if he should get tested. The producer told him it wouldn’t hurt to get a quick blood test and Shawn makes a surprise visit to confront Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, she leads him to sit down on the same couch that her and Nick exchanged fluids on mere hours before and Shawn left his black light kit at home. What will happen?! Will Shawn leave? Will Kaitlyn cry? Will Shawn get so angry at her that he rips his shirt off, picks her up and carries her to her room? Hey, a girl can dream. Anyway, we will not know any of these things ever…or until next week, whatever.

PS In case anyone cares (I certainly don’t), our weekly catch-up with the Hipster twins Britt & Brady contained a winter knit hat in the sunshine state and Britt’s mom declaring that Brady seems like a good buddy. In other words, Brady just got friend-zoned by Britt’s mom. Yikes.

Television

TV DILFS

I’m extending Father’s Day celebrations by a day so that we can properly commemorate the hottest dads that have graced our TVs. These fictional dads have made raising kids (woof) sexy and cool AF. Feast your eyes upon the top TV DILFS.

10. Deacon Claybourne- Nashville

Although it came as a casual surprise to Deacon about 14 years after the fact that he was a dad, he has taken the job in stride (after the initial almost killing Rayna incident, oopsie.) His boozin past makes him edgy and mysterious while his parenting technique is singing duets.

Best Dad Moment: Bursting in on Maddie’s afternoon delight with her boyfriend Colt and recruiting Juliette to have the sex talk with her because it gives him the uncomfies.

9. Rufus Humphrey- Gossip Girl

Rufus had some glory days with his 90’s band Lincoln Hawk that quickly turned into being a single dad to the poorest kids on the Upper East Side. He doesn’t let that stand in the way of snagging former lover/rich bitch Lily van der Woodsen.

Best Dad Moment: Encouraging Dan to boink Serena. Also putting up with little miss trainwreck Jenny, which deserves all the awards.

8. Phil Dunphy- Modern Family

Phil may be a little on the flamboyant side (see: his college cheerleading career) but his killer sense of humor and ability to memorize the dance moves to High School Musical are what makes him sexy.

Best Dad Moments: When he taught Alex about the powers of Jagermeister, shot Luke with a bebe gun and made his own shirt to move Haley into college.

7. Dr. Derek Shepard- Grey’s Anatomy

May he rest in peace, McDreamy had a way of piercing you with his blue eyes and then saving people’s lives, NBD but HBD. Though I can’t pinpoint a whole lot of fathering, he is eye candy and that’s all that matters. (Gone too soon.)

Best Dad Moment: Perching a tiara atop that head of lettuce and having tea with Zola.

6. Elliot Stabler- Law & Order SVU

Stabler investigates brutal rapes and murders from 9-5 but then goes home and is dad AF to his five(?) kids. He’s protective and brooding and one HOT STUFF law enforcer.

Best Dad Moment: Anytime he gets aggressive with someone he’s interrogating. Oh sorry, I got distracted…ummm probably when he burned his daughter Kathleen’s license so she’d stop getting DUI’s.

5. Christopher Hayden- Gilmore Girls

Technically Christopher was a shitty father for all of Rory’s childhood but have you seen him? Swoooon. He comes back into her life when he gets sneaky rich and then gets another shot at dad when he has little demon Gigi.

Best Dad Moment: When he gives Gigi whatever she wants to make her stop screaming like a devil child. Forever the bad boy dad.

4. Jim Halpert- The Office

Jim is probably the most romantic guy ever in TV history (bold statement, I stand by it) and also happens to have a killer sense of humor, as displayed in his life’s work to prank Dwight. Plus he has a great range of funny faces, which probably makes him a gr8 dad.

Best Dad Moment: Finally succumbing to Halloween and doing a family costume.

3. Jesse Katsopolis- Full House

Our third and final rockstar dad, Jesse can command a stage with the Rippers, has iconic luscious locks and is a bonafide lady killer. When he finds out he’s having twins he loses his shit but once they’re born and he can finally tell them apart without matching up their footprints, he becomes a phenomenal dad who refuses to cut their hair.

Best Dad Moment: Putting doo rags and leather jackets on his babies for a family portrait.

2. Nathan Scott- One Tree Hill

Nathan Scott went from being the star of the Tree Hill Ravens and all around dick to married with a baby all before he graduated high school. But that didn’t stop him from being the sexiest teen dad this side of the river court…seriously have you seen him shirtless? He kept at his all-star basketball career (with a timeout to be paralyzed real quick) but also made sure to teach Jamie how to use condoms in high school how to be a baller and carry on the Scott traditions.

Best Dad Moment: Wearing a cape to Jamie’s school and showing everyone that Scotts are ALWAYS popular.

1. Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

Coach Taylor is the top dog of TV dads. He brings his football teams to state, has a hot ass wife with fabulous hair and invented “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” I mean, come on. Coaching horny teenage boys all day has essentially made Eric want to lock Julie (we’re disregarding Gracie Belle because she was obviously adopted from trolls) up for life, which makes for some very sassy and hilarious parenting.

Best Dad Moment: Giving Julie the sex talk via a game of ping pong. (Please accept these ratchet screenshots in lieu of the clip, which was near impossible to find.)

Television

The Hills Drinking Game

It’s no secret I have a thang for Lauren Conrad and another thang for trashy reality television…which comes together quite nicely to make The Hills a re-watchable series for me. Except instead of sitting down and binge-watching, I’ve found that it’s best consumed during a gal pal wine night as a way to feel nostalgic for a time when thick headbands were in style oh, and also to get hammied. I hope that sharing this very official drinking game with all of you will fulfill the overwhelming desire that you once had to booze every time Justin Bobby’s greasy locks and open mouthed burps graced your TV.

Take a Sip When:

-You see LA Traffic or the Hollywood sign

-Brody or Spencer uses the term homeboy or homie

-Audrina/Heidi talk to Chiara/Elodie about their personal lives that these “co-workers” are certainly not a part of.

-Justin Bobby’s hair looks greasy

-LC touches her hair

-“Lisa wants to see you in her office”

-Audrina has a blank stare that displays minimal brain activity, usually directed toward the ceiling.

-Spencer’s sister is referred to as the “She-Pratt”

-Whitney ends an “ing” word with the “k” sound instead

-Anyone starts a sentence with “It’s like…”

-Heidi admits that she has no friends, just Spencer

-The phrase “Be Careful” or “Be Cautious” is uttered about anyone wanting to buddy up to LC’s shady ex-friends

-Spencer calls Heidi “my dear” and sounds like he wants to wear her skin as a suit.

-LC preaches an inspirational quote about love or friendships

-JBobby calls Audrina “dude” as a term of endearment. Swoon.

-LC or Steph are in class to remind us all that they actually go to college

Take a Shot (or Gulp) When:

-LC is hammie sammied

-Whitney’s surprised

-LC cries

-Justin Bobby burps up everything he ate that day (and possibly that week)

-Jen Bunney is shady AF

-A character says something off camera that is very obviously a voiceover dubbed in

-Audrina says she’s DONE with JB…DONE.

-Audrina is over being DONE with JB and takes his “hairstylin” ass back

-Whitney gives LC feedback that is really just repeating what LC said in an advice tone of voice

-An up and comer is introduced on the show like they’re in a garage band and they’re now a huge superstar (i.e. Lady Gaga)

-“ARE THEY TAKING SHOTS?!”

-LC insults Audrina and she’s too stupid to notice, usually referring to her taste in men or Heidi using her to get to LC

-The gang announces that an event or trip will be drama free…and then there’s drama.

Take a Knee & Chug Your Drink When:

-The single black tear rolls down LC’s sad losing-another-BFF face

-LC doesn’t go to Paris

-LC does go to Paris

-Audrina pretends to be friends with Sean Kingston and his crew and has a poster of him in her cube at work

-Trashcan bar-slut redhead kisses Justin Bobby in front of Audrina but when confronted claims, “I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t NOTHING him.”

-Three 22 year olds buy a Hollywood mansion with a built-in pool

-She-Pratt describes the life cycles of pet rodents

-Spencer compares the bickering of basic betches to world conflicts. “It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along.”

-Spencer hooks up an IV of tequila to Heidi and then convinces her to marry him in Mexico

-Brody goes to Las Vegas reality show jail for dramatic effect

-LC makes her grand exit (Finish all the drinks within reach. It’s the end of the series.)

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Follow Your Heart, Your Male Intuition

You know what might be fun for once? Starting an episode fresh and not fresh off of a stupid cliffhanger from the week before. But we can’t always get what we want and so here we are, a week later and Nick is still in the elevator. When he finally enters and greets the group of judgey eyes like they’re about to play a game of pickup basketball and not like he just weaseled his way onto their show, it goes swimmingly. The men are crammed onto one couch and tell Nick to state his case, obviously pretty threatened by this little baby duck in a skin-tight sweatshirt. Once Nick opens his mouth, however, there’s a collective sigh of relief as the boys hear Nick’s debilitating lisp. Nothing to worry about here, can’t have a villain with a lissssssp. Tanner calls him out for hanging with Andi recently (Tanner clearly has an US Weekly hidden under his pillow) and Josh gets a liiiiittle touchy about Nick calling Kaitlyn a cool chick instead of an AMAZING woman.

Cocktail Party @ Citi Field

JJ picks Kaitlyn up like she’s the daintiest bird and runs the bases with her, which would be the cutest thing in the world except that it’s JJ and he’s a douche nugget. Tanner uses the word “pussyfooted” while chatting with Kaitlyn. And Shawn goes all real talk on her ass and says Nick is full of shit. BOOYAH TEAM SHAWN.

Rose Ceremony: Justin, Cupcake, Jared, Ben H., BenZ, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, Nick

“Let’s Take Our Love One Step At A Time”- Ben H.

The crew travels to San Antonio, TX because apparently they’re now a touring band of bros across the USA. Ben H. snags a one on one and Kaitlyn picks him up in a vintage Ford truck that she absolutely does not know how to drive but they make it seem like she does because, Hollywood. Joshua, the welder who struggles to put a coherent sentence together and calls tampons, “tampins” turns into the biggest jelly belly and lurks in the window as Kaitlyn and Ben get into the truck. It makes him miss his truck or his side hobby as a peeping Tom or something. Kaitlyn and Ben learn how to two step from a woman who met her husband two-steppin (Oh, Texas) and then get thrown into a dance competition later on…which is pretty par for the course on these dates. Learn something brand new then embarrass yourself in front of a crowd, ha-ha I’ll choose my future husband based on who doesn’t shit their pants! Anyway, not to brag but I learned how to two step while I was hammered with a true Texan at a country bar in Boston. So I’m probably a professional.

You know who else is a professional? Betty Jo, the 1000 year old woman whose five minute appearance will undoubtedly get her a reality show.

Betty Jo is a shining star. Who needs teeth when you’ve still got your moves? She drags those bones all over the dance floor and tells Kaitlyn and Ben that dancing is love as she gives them a sagging wink. What a firecracker she was. Later on, Kaitlyn tries to get Ben H to open up so he sighs a whole lot and builds up how hard it is to say this… but his last girlfriend told him that he lost the chase. Ok, Ben, more two-steppin, less talkin. He gets rosed.

Group Date: “I Love A Man in Uniform”

Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, BenZ, Joshua, Nick

A cocky lil bitch named Mr. Steal Yo Girl Sebastian serenades Kaitlyn and is like I just melted Kaitlyn’s panties with my singing, try to keep up, boyz. They all have to write and perform mariachi songs….cause embarrassment. STOP MAKING THEM SING, KAITLYN. IT’S PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF US. Anyway, there’s a lotta room for accidental racism here and I nearly rubbed my hands together with glee. Joshua uses his songwriting time to glare at Nick and plot his murder while Ian uses this time to brag about how he’s a Grammy-winning singer. During the performances, Justin thankfully tucks his swooping comb over under a sombrero and also uses an Italian accent while singing…nailed it. JJ becomes the guitar guy at a party and brings out his acoustic only to mess up the chords. Ian chokes so hard with his whisper singing that JJ is redeemed. And finally, Nick takes Kaitlyn to the balcony to serenade her and works “erection” into his tune. Even Tanner had to give him props for that. Boner jokes. Respect.

Later in a church barn (no, really) Josh is like “hey Kaitlyn, you’re a barber right? Cut my hair while everyone else waits inside.” Barber and dancer are the same thing, right guys? No seriously, did I miss the part when Kaitlyn tells everyone she’s a barber? Kaitlyn proceeds to buzz a hole in Josh’s head and all the boys laugh at him. Justin says Josh’s hair looks like it went through the wood chipper and is a little rough. Let me reiterate that for you…this guy:

judged another man’s hair. Then Nick walks in on Josh talking shit and he does that thing that girls do when they get caught where they just abruptly stop talking and go, “yeah….so that’s it.” Josh tells Nick he hates him but he doesn’t know why, and Nick’s like Ok, cool.

Josh takes one look at Nick’s fluffy hair and gets pissed off again about his shitty haircut so he stomps into the church with Kaitlyn to teach her and God about his male intuition. Apparently it’s a thing guys have when they hate someone but they can’t pinpoint what they hate about them. Josh declares everyone hates Nick but nobody wants to be that weasel to throw somebody under the bus like he has been this ENTIRE season. (i.e. Tony, Clint, JJ, Nick…get a hobby, bruh.) This isn’t Kaitlyn’s first rodeo (Texas pun, lawls) dealing with a bunch of lying turds so she calls Josh out in front of the whole group and Josh hops right onto that welded bike of his and starts backpedaling as fast as he can. The rest of the crew throws him over the bus and drives over him and his stupid haircut until he stops dribbling dumb. Nick gets the rose (in front of Josh) because he’s here and put himself and his tongue out there, while I just wish he would put his tongue away, permanently.

Kayaking One on One with Shawn

Kaitlyn may give us a lot of cringe worthy dates, but we can’t say she doesn’t know how to make it up to us. I present you with, a date that Shawn has to take his shirt off for. Excuse me while I mop up the puddle of drool that I could probably kayak through. While staring at his washboard abs, Kaitlyn confesses that she loves his voice and his smell then quickly stops herself and says she’s getting creepy. Girlfriend, he’s on the show for you…sniff away! While paddling down a river Kaitlyn compares Texas to Europe and I’m willing to bet this is the first time in history that comparison has ever been made. Ah yes, this dirty river and rental kayaks accompanied with the smell of barbecue really remind me of the rolling hills in Tuscany.

At their bonfire in the evening, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up and talk about how happy they are, making it a perfect time for Shawn to talk about the time he almost died in a car wreck a few years ago. Apparently his car flipped a bunch and a cop told him he shouldn’t have survived, no biggie, but today was really fun!!! (Side bar: Buckle up, kids.) Shawn sheds some man-tears and I tried to wipe them up but my TV got in the way and he told me Kaitlyn that he’s falling in love with her. She says samesies and he kisses her like a real man and doesn’t try to clean her sinuses like Nick probably would have done. There’s a rose and fiyaworks and we can just end the series here because it’s obvious who our winner is.

Cocktail Party 2.0

Not the kind of show to let a good thing happen without a whole load of bullshit, next up we have Ian in the long train of guys who think they’re better than Kaitlyn and have no business being on this show. I for one, hope he’s bringing up the caboose on that train because this shit is getting exhausting to watch. Our boy Ian, who if you recall, was pretty much obsessed with Kaitlyn when he arrived, decided that he’s soooo over being ignored because he’s a Princeton grad and a former model and oh yeah he DEFIED death. In efforts to clinch the spot as next Bachelor, he announces casually that he’d prefer to be the next Bachelor. Signed, sealed, delivered I think we’ve found him. In other relevant things, Kaitlyn is not nearly as hot as Ian’s ex-girlfriend, so obviously this makes him better than her…he also has a lot of sex so HA. Ian confronts Kaitlyn and complains about guys who make fart and poop jokes, That’s it. That’s the last straw. GET OUTTA HERE, IAN. He continues to be a jerk and obviously this whole thing is to be continued because we accept the rose ceremonies we think we deserve. And this week, we only deserved one.

Music, Television

CMT Music Awards Recap

Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.

(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)

Highs

-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.

-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.

-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.

-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.

-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)

-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here

-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…

-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.

-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.

-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.

-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…

-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.

-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.

Lows

-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.

-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.

-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.

-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.

-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?

-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)

-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.

-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?

Full Winners List

Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”

Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”

Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”

Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”

Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”

Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”

Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Contestants Past Run Out of ABC Paychecks

“There’s nothing but anger and loneliness and a whole bunch of dudes at the hotel.”

Since this is the MOST dramatic season EVER, we fire up this week rehashing the clint hanger from last week. Clint continues to be a dirty scoundrel who uses the word “very” no less than 100 times. Kaitlyn is very, very, very, very sorry but ya DUN, Clint. He returns to the crew to say goodbye and try to sniff out the narc, instead JJ demands IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that Clint apologize for taking away everyone’s time. There’s an audible gasp in the room and Clint forces JJ to shake his hand and say goodbye, giving the whole exchange a very (very, very) dad hit mom at the dinner table and let’s just keep eating and pretend it didn’t happen feel to it. JJ immediately regrets acting like a dick and tries to give Clint a quick kiss before he goes and Clint is like hey F-U I TOLD YOU ALL MY SECRETS! Clint gets into the Dodge caravan of shame and nearly rips the sliding door off while JJ quietly sobs in the dark. It’s almost as if these two are treating this like a Hollywood audition or something. Either way, the bromance is dead and so is the premise of a rose ceremony apparently. Kaitlyn pulls a Prince Farming and is like now that we got rid of Tony, I feel comfortable trying to bang all of these guys so let’s just axe the roses thing tonight, C. Harrison. The remaining stragglers begin their journey to NYC and Justin beings his journey to winning worst hair on the show. YIKES.

Group Date “Let’s Keep Our Love Fresh”- JJ, Shawn, Jonathan, Ryan, Tanner, BenZ, Justin

In this week’s “FAMOUS” guest star that I literally could not pick out of a crowd, heeeeere’s Doug E. Fresh! He raps a little bit to show the guys what a pro can do and the bros all get a chance to showcase their rapper arms. All but one…My country lover Shawn keeps his hands stiffly at his sides because this ain’t no hoedown. It’s kewl Shawn, I like country too. CALL ME. Anyway, Shawn ends up winning the rap battle (in my mind) not because of his rapping skills (he had less than none) but because he flashed the goods (his abs, you pervs) and made everyone forget we were cringing through the worst flowz eva.

Justin and his flouncy side bangs win for best rap diss with “Remind me how the notebook end, that’s right she forgot you.” OHH BURRNNN, YOU LOOK LIKE RYAN GOSLING, THE HOTTEST ACTOR IN AMERICA, SHAWN. Suck on THAT. Corey tucks his shirt into his undies and wears a beanie in attempts to not look like he’s a single middle-aged dad of 5 kids who kept him up all night. JJ calls NYC girls “hoes” and they boo him because he’s a dick. Deeze hoes ain’t loyal.

In our first Prince Farming season flashback of the night, KardAshley is at the rap battle probably in town to get a job as a sales clerk at DASH. However, the real drama llama is that baby bitch Nick from Andi’s season is there and cat’s outta the bag, Nick & Kaitlyn have been chatting on AIM for the past few months but have never actually met face to face. OK Kaitlyn, if online boyfriends count I had a very fruitful dating life in 7^th grade. Anyway, NickyV123 complimented her on the interweb and suddenly they were texting. Sounds promising. He came to NYC to see what they had before it was too late to force his way back onto reality TV. Kaitlyn giggles a lot and is like OMGEEE should I add another guy into my weekly rotation of seven minutes in heaven?

Cocktail party on a BOAT

The men gather unaware that they’re about to get big-timed by a wittle baby bitch. Kaitlyn’s all no disrespect but I’m gonna bring another guy on board (get it? Boat punz. LOL) to date and also he may or may not have tried to slut shame his almost-fiance on live national television. LETZ DO THIS. Thankfully for all of us, the guys don’t even pretend to not know who he is. Shawn is like oh Nick Viall from Andi’s season? I’ll have another. ANOTHER. Then Tanner chimes in to give the TV Guide cliff notes of Nick’s existence. Tanner is like no homo guys, but I watched Nick cry on TV and he kisses and tells so we all must murder him. Tanner fiercely becomes captain of Team Bachelor Bitchfest and suddenly I know who Tanner is. Well played. Kaitlyn takes this moment to leave the boat and make out with Nick on the dock because she DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO and WHY does this have to be so HARD. She comes back and wipes her lips off like nobody will notice her face is covered in Nick’s saliva. Justin doesn’t see this through his droopy side bang and gives a queertastic speech about how Kaitlyn should follow her heart. Since he’s the only one who sounds supportive, he gets rewarded with the rose.

Blissfully unaware, the boys back at the hotel get a date card for Jared’s one on one and when I found out he won the date I actually shouted NOooooooOO at the TV….which got a little weird because I was watching by myself. Jared grins like a creep and then announces that it’s time for him to go to bed AKA it’s time for him to get intimate with himself thinking about his date tomorrow. While he’s dreaming of Kaitlyn running her fingers through his greasy hair, Kaitlyn is dreaming of running her fingers through Nick’s fuzzy baby duck hair that sticks out in tufts an uncomfortable amount.

The guys spend the majority of this episode sitting on the couch and gossiping about Nick like bitches at a slumber party, calling him desperate and sad and starting rumors that he probably cries after sex. Kaitlyn wakes up still SO TORN and we get the BEST moment of the episode, possibly the season, possibly the series of The Bachelorette. She dials up Nick and as a recording of their convo about how they slept fills our ears with nonsense, my eyes are riveted by an ominous snowy montage of NYC and music that gives me the feeling these two are actually plotting a murder on the phone and not just talking about if they should date or not. By the end of this scene I had been convinced Nick was going to blow up Times Square so BRAVO, producers!!

As if they were just foreshadowing that something bad was going to happen…ONION POMEGRANATE IS BACK! Ya girl OP is here to “style” Kaitlyn’s hair and have a little girl talk. Kaitlyn blabs her dilemma and OP gives sound advice that you need a best friend first and not just lust. Whoa. Girl, where you been hiding? It’s almost as if she’s a regular person who played it up for the cameras? Weird.That would’ve been rare.

Kaitlyn meets up with Nick after her hair appt where she apparently had OP curl each strand just to throw it into a messy braid that I do when my hair is dirty. Hope she didn’t pay for that. OP should probably stick to giving tours of the Mesa Verde. The verdict is that Nick gets to stay so they can bite each other’s lips some more and he can showcase his collection of Mr. Rogers cardigans. Can we send Nick to OP for a haircut though? Seriously.

Jared The Wiener’s One on One-“Let’s Re-imagine the Night We First Met”

The Met is reserved for a fancy date with Jared, who has a slicked side part and I want to punch it right off of his stupid, punchable head. Jared has diarrhea of the mouth and should definitely be put down humanely while Kaitlyn stares off into space and wishes she could take another chomp out of Nick’s lips. Jared wrote a poem for Kaitlyn because OF COURSE HE DID. After reading aloud, Kaitlyn says “Game Over” and I can only assume she means game over for ever sleeping with Jared because a whiny kid reading a poem to you is the biggest turn off ever, right? Guess not. He gets a rose. Blech. The date continues on a helicopter and we have to listen to Jared word vomzies about how he fell in love with Kaitlyn in the air whilst gazing at the Statue of Liberty.

Group Date “Let’s Play”-Joe, Joshua, Ben H, Ian, Cupcake

Here’s a date that Kaitlyn probably came up with to weed out the possible gays. Unfortunately she chose one instead, which leaves me a little perplexed. Anyway, the boys audition on Broadway to be street rats and the guy with the best performance gets to be a part of Aladdin that night and everyone else has to kick rocks. Watching these guys sing and dance onstage was juuuust about as painful as watching a bunch of white country boys speak poorly written rap lyrics. Cupcake puffs his chest out and flails his arms around, winning the competition and the hearts of many men across America. He tells us this is the most excited he’s ever been, I’m assuming because he can finally jumpstart that theater career he’s always dreamed of.

Backstage in his open vest and balloon pants, Chris tells Kaitlyn they should stand in silence and appreciate the moment and by that he means dive his turban’ed head at hers and immediately mack on her. Smooth moves, poor man’s Aladdin. Their role in the show consists of standing onstage with flowers for a total of one minute and Cupcake tells Kaitlyn after that he’s in AWE of how good she did. They stroll around NYC and as Kaitlyn passes by a street performer banging on a trashcan she admits this is why she loves New York…because there’s talent everywhere. Kait, I love you girl, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Please feel free to visit Saratoga Springs and find the guy with dreads who sits in an alley (prime echo territory), swatting at buckets all day and night like a child left out to play with the pots and pans. You’ll change your tune real quick and also possibly want to box your own ears. Anyway, Cupcake gets a rose because he’s a cupcake theater fairy.

The weekly cliff hanger comes in the form of Nick arriving at the house with his puffy hair and awkward lisp. His opening line is “Sup, Guys.” I predict that Nick will be murdered by a room of sexually frustrated men within minutes of uttering this greeting.

While the credits roll, we get an update on Britt & Brady, still clinging onto that 5 seconds of fame each week. They’re officially dating and also HOMEBOY WORE COMBAT BOOTS TO THE BEACH.

The Salty Ju

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