I took a couple of weeks off again because I was busy movin and shakin, SARRY bout it. The world of celeb news did not take a couple of weeks off, so lemme see if I can stuff in some of my hot takes from what isn’t still breaking news in addition to the headlines from this week.

1. Gisele is going to be a Grandma Mom.

Not from the horse’s mouth directly, but sources (it’s People.com official) confirm that Gisele is expecting her first kid with her jiu-jitsu beefstick. My sister scooped me on this news and my immediate response was “Isn’t she 50 years old?” There was not a chance in hell I believed this bitch had working ovaries. It was like that weird season of Real Housewives of NY when they introduced us to Cynthia who was in her fifties with a fresh baby and was like what? Is that weird? My sister did the fact checking for me (reading beyond a headline) and found out that Gisele is only 44 and her baby daddy is 35…not that it matters because sperm never ages like our crusty ole eggs do. So I guess I owe Gisele an apology. It’s not like I think she looks like she’s fifty, it’s just that she’s been around forever and I always tie her into the Heidi Klum supermodel era and Heidi is indeed in her fifties. Ricochet shot. My follow-up question is how dare you? It’s hard enough for a single gal in her thirties out here with all these lil snatched Gen Z’ers cropping it up at all times like sirens who never cover their midsection and now I’ve gotta worry about hot women in their forties coming for my target age range too?! Find someone in your own era! Don’t let Kristin Cav influence all you moms to start dating younger childless guys. It’s a war zone out there. And my final thought on this matter is that this is a direct result of Tom Brady’s Roast. The GOAT agreed to make a big ole spectacle of himself for sure without Gisele’s permission and naturally she was roped into about 85% of the jokes without even being there, just because her ex-huz is an attention whore. So how do you get him back? Get knocked up by your young stallion of a jiu-jitsu instructor. Duhs.

2. One Engagement Ends As Another Begins.

What a treat to combine sad and happy news into one item. Once again, not confirmed by them but sources reported Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz have ended their engagement. They were together for a few years and thriller “Blink Twice” directed by Zoe and starring Channing just came out not too long ago. Knowing what I do about PR (pretty much nothing) this news breaking right on the heels of their film coming out means they probably broke up before that and waited to share that nugget until the movie had been out for a while. Nothing ruins a press tour more than juicy personal goss, not a single soul would’ve talked about the movie. As someone who literally lost all belief in love after Channing and Jenna got divorced, this breakup couldn’t mean less to me. I wasn’t against them as a couple but I certainly wasn’t swooning over them either. PS all bets that this sappy IG declaration of love was posted to keep bloodhounds off the trail of them actually not being together anymore.

What I certainly find weird is that Jenna’s new husband Steve Kazee posted an Instagram story with just HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH when the news broke of the Chansters’ breakup. And what’s your beef, dude? Nothing makes you look like more of a bitter a-hole than publicly commenting on your current wife’s ex-husband’s love life. Boy, that’s a mouthful. How embarrassing for this nerd. Pretty sure him and Jenna have two kids together so he can’t be all that happy if he’s concerning himself with Channing. If he should be throwing shade at anyone, maybe direct it at your wife who dragged out a divorce with Channing for like 6 years because she wanted more money. Yeah, that’s right, I said it!

And every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Or in this case, every time a ring is returned, another couple gets it. That made me laugh out loud picturing Channing passing Zoe’s returned ring off to Shaun White. If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m here mostly to entertain myself. Shaun and Nina, a couple that has been very public in their cuteness decided to take the next step. Again, they’re not really a couple I ride hard for, but they seem like fun times, plus this proposal looks very fairytale chic, so CONGRATS BB’S!

3. Dragging Shawn Mendes Out of the Closet.

For whatever reason, goss-hounds (not me, but the TMZ’s of the world) have been obsessed with outing Shawn Mendes basically forever. I feel like every few years I see headlines about Shawn’s sexuality. Recently it was all about his lil love triangle between Sabrina Carpenter and Camila Cabello because he apparently had quite an overlap with the two at Coachella and everyone was like ew, what a douchenozzle. And now everyone is like IS HE GAY? Um, pick a lane? Also…why do we care? He lives a pretty quiet life and honestly doesn’t even tour or put out music much anymore, I honestly thought he had retired from the biz. So apparently it got to the point where he felt he needed to speak on it at a show this week and I’m sorry but everyone owes this poor dude an apology because he seems down bad and feeling like he needs to talk about which gender he likes to smooch onstage in a very public forum is all y’alls fault. The blood is on your hands. Not mine though because I’ve known for a fact he’s gay for six years now. I mean, you don’t get a butterfly bicep tat and call yourself hetero. Jus sayin. At the end of the day, love or bang whoever you want, Shawn, but it is OBJECTIVELY funny to be strumming a guitar as background music to you pouring out our heart and soul about such a personal topic. I couldn’t stop laughing watching this video clip.

4. Zach Bryan Stinks.

Honestly this is one of those niche “celebrity” breakups that I want to dissect with everyone around me but no one really cares so I get to do it HERE! And if you don’t care, you’ll still learn something new and have a topic for the next time you have a conversation with someone in their twenties because this breakup probably has a chokehold on them. Let me say up front that I don’t ROOT for people to break up, per say, but sometimes when you see someone is clearly a bad boy and the girl hasn’t figured it out yet, it’s KIIIIINDA satisfying when it all proves to be true. Here’s the back story: Zach Bryan is all the rage for like country/rock/folksie/outlaw/Springsteen type music. I honestly don’t know what to categorize him as and I don’t think anyone else does either. He writes a lot of gritty songs but they’re catchy AF and he’s really taken off the past couple of years and blown up, especially with the younger kids. Brianna Chickenfry is a Barstool personality, probably one of their most famous (and highest paid for being a young girlie). She’s known for finding her next boyfriend before the current one has been put out to pasture, and he’s known for going hot and heavy with a girl for about a year and then cutting her loose and writing an album about her. Of course when he does it, it’s art, when Taylor Swift does it, it’s whiny and oversharing and she’s boy crazy. INSERT EYE ROLL. Regardless, these two started dating a little over a year ago, and since Bri is an online personality/influencer, their relashe deets were shared often. They seemed all in, moving to Boston together and getting dogs together, etc. On his latest album, he wrote a song called 28 about how in love they are and girls all over the country swooned their faces off. I’m pretty sure she also got lyric “how lucky are we” tattooed on her. Well they headed to splitsville last week (privately) and then a day later, Zach announced it publicly on Instagram without giving her any heads up that he was going to take it public.

So she then had to react publicly and share that she was blindsided and was trying to just do what the girlies do when you’re fresh off of a breakup–sob on the couch and watch bad TV and wonder if anyone will ever like you again. Then of course as the days pass, more dirt gets dug up. Apparently he cheated on her, he was on the celeb dating app Raya either while they were still together or RIGHT as they broke up. And what do you know, the guy who has a pattern of doing exactly this with women, does exactly that. He’s already releasing snippets of songs he’s writing about their relationship. Is he a muse whore? Does he get women to fall in love with him so he can have experiences and memories to write about when he eventually drops the hammer? Sure seems like it. If I had to guess, Bri already has her next love of her life lined up, but I’ve been captivated by the deets as they roll out. You don’t listen to a love song about a couple and sigh and say I wish I had that and then not EAT UP every juicy tidbit when it turns out they’re just as toxic as Steven and Lucy on Tell Me Lies. According to Pres from Barstool, he never liked Zach and he was super controlling and jealous and insecure. SOUNDS LIKE A CHEATER TO ME! So, in short, no relationship is love-song worthy, Zach Bryan is a dirtbag, but I’m probably still going to listen to his music. Sue me.

5. In This House We Stan Kelsea Ballerini.

You hear about Taylor Swift every thirty seconds of every single day, but we don’t yap about Kelsea Ballerini as much and I think that needs to change. She’s also a very talented songwriter who uses real life and struggles to create relatable pop/country songs. She comes across as a very grateful, bubbly, somewhat NORMAL celeb aka she’s fun to follow on social media. AND after a very public divorce from fellow country singer Morgan Evans and lots of mudslinging through music, she’s lived out every girly’s fantasy and slid into John B’s DM’s and they seem to be thriving as a couple. This week she released new album Patterns (if you want a new chorus to scream sing from someone other than T.Swift smash play on Baggage, it’ll treat you right) and for the first time ever played Madison Square Garden, to a sold-out crowd. It was adorable and emotional and from clips I’ve seen on TikTok, she put on a hell of a show. There was a moment where she references her dog in a song off her last album, and this dog happens to currently have cancer, and she broke down, so the entire Garden finish the chorus for her while she sobbed. What a heartwarming moment.

The album is great, there’s a song for everyone in there, and if you want to follow someone as they live their dreams and radiate positivity but clearly don’t take themselves too seriously, don’t sleep on Kels. Also, as if I couldn’t slobber over her anymore, her and Chase CRUSHED their coups costume for Halloween because of course.