RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Will Power”

yosilkythreads

Look I don’t want to start hating yet another biddy on this show but Rinna’s inching her way onto my list and I’m not loving it. She kicks it off by showing up to Kyle’s obnoxious clothing store to cash out on her birthday gift. The gift she’s referring to, of course, is when Mauricio showed up to her party empty-handed and said she could pick out something from Forever A Former Child Star or whatever Kyle’s fashion venture is. That was Mauricio’s way of saying Hey I didn’t get you anything so rip off my wife’s store because I paid to start this little side project of hers anyway. Rinna was like oh you didn’t have to!!! But then shows up to the store with her palms extended looking for a handout. Rinna’s got a lot of balls pretending she’s not that rich and then a mere 20 minutes later having a personal vag waxer arrive at her mansion. Her waxer is named Eiko (because of course she’s foreign) and proceeds to stick a butter knife up Rinna’s buhhole while talking about how she has a wrinkly ass. I could’ve lived my entire life without ever seeing Rinna spread eagle on her bedroom floor with a butter knife inserted in her downstairs and I’m afraid it’s an image that will never leave my brain. Bottom line: Rinna is not down to earth. She has been paying an immigrant to de-grizzly her RB curtz for 17 years. That’s Beverly Hills.

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You know what else is SOOO Beverly Hills? Tossing your PET SWAN Hanky into the back of your Range Rover like it’s not an angry bird that belongs in the wild and not cuddled in your lap for a quick joy ride. I’ve had it up to here* with Lisa’s animal shit this season. *To be clear, “here” is above my head, and I’m a lot taller than a mini horse. Hanky has a stomach infection probably because it’s fed prime rib or something and rode in style to the vet, who declared he’s fine because he’s biting everyone who touches him. What a friendly pet. Once he’s feeling better it’s apparently okay for Lisa to follow it around and keep choking its neck so that it sits in her lap nicely. It gave me very real and traumatic flashbacks to the kids next door to my parents grabbing their puppy by its head because they’re definitely not old enough to know how to properly care for a pet. Hands home, Lisa.

hanky

After patiently waiting, fans were rewarded with an Erika group meet so the other ladies can look their future enemy in the eye. First she’s eased in when Yolanda introduces her to Kyle at the park. They’re gathering to take a walk but what that really means is walk to the closest bench and sit down to chat. Kyle and Erika HIT IT OFF because they both have long shiny hair and popped out a child before they were old enough to drink. Then Kyle takes some time to exhaust her theory about Yolanda maybe just being depressed. Fingers crossed this is the last time we have to hear this dumb dribble. Yolanda is like yeah okay whatever. Then they suggest TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF that maybe all the girls gather for a drink so they can meet the new co-star who will be paid to hang out with them. Erika reveals that she only hangs out with gay men. Who would have ever guessed that this Barbie lookin chick with a 76-year-old husband and a questionable club music career can’t hang with other girls? Red flag city, population: Erika Jayne. Let’s see how she does with a group of girls that do not encourage her to pat her puss constantly.

erika

Did anyone know that Eileen won an Emmy for her work in soap operas? Well YOU SHOULD. Lisa and Kyle take her job REALLY seriously when they play hide and seek on the Young and the Restless set and make unfunny jokes about how they’re too rich for vending machines. Then they go for drinks with Erika so Kyle can slobber all over her and Lisa can show how jelly she is of Erika’s life.

Erika’s first mistake is that she wears pink heels to the outing and didn’t she know that pink is LISA’S COLOR? Duh. She bought the actual rights to the color, along with two tiny horses that are probably already dead. Don’t worry about Kyle and Erika getting along though because they’re both like, so much fun, so what more could two women have in common? Million dollar diamond best friend necklaces in the making. Obviously Erika talks all about her alter ego and the girls are like omggg so FUNNNNNNNNN. Eileen shows her age and lack of coolness when she’s like everyone wants to be a disco queen. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Erika’s auto-tuned club jams while she writhes around in a sheer bodysuit isn’t what Eileen had in mind for disco queen. There’s a little chatter about sex with men above the age of 70, which is just about as disturbing as watching Rinna’s grundle get waxed earlier. Apparently no one at Bravo cares about me keeping my dinner down. Eileen the wannabe-disco-queen shuts that talk down right about the same time that Kyle does a fresh hip-implant humping impression. God bless you, Eileen.

Of course it wouldn’t be a weekly installment of the ladies if they didn’t question Yolanda’s entire existence on this earth or something and make her feel like a bag of Lyme disease trash. Yo’s latest procedure is to get her breast implants removed, so she’s still not feeling on the up and up. Kyle has convinced herself she might have Lyme disease because she’s a moron. And then Yolanda says, a friend told me Taylor was talking shit, which is Bravo speak for: a producer showed me a clip of that big mouth trashing my Valencia filters. Eileen gets confused, probably still jarred by the fact that two of the ladies just detailed their geriatric husbands’ sex life, and thinks Yo is referring to Rinna’s little Munchausen’s wiki from last week. YIKERONIS. Rinna may have a hairless downstairs, but she’s about to be in a hairy situation with Yolanda thanks to Eileen’s blabathon. See what I did there? I made something disgusting into a segue. You’re welcome. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.

Anyway, Yolanda is like I don’t have time for all this bullshit and peaces out because seriously she’s above it. Also she’s late for a VERY tearworthy discussion of her will with the kiddies. What a downer way to end the episode. So instead let’s talk about how next week everyone will be in the Hamptons and Erika will be joining in so she’ll probably have her first girl fight because there’s no way this bitch doesn’t ruffle somebody’s feathers. But I bet her and Kyle will have SO MuCh F-U-N!

 

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