All the guys in the house are apparently besties except for Jordan, who has to eat his breakfast in the corner of the kitchen, facing the backsplash tile. This sets the tone for the MOST DRAMATIC episode ever. And by MOST DRAMATIC, I of course mean that the editors cut shit together for a full two hours to make us believe everything was drama and conflict and I am NOT here for it. STAY WOKE, BACH NATION. Let’s dissect this pile of shit.

It’s Time to Relax with Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean-Blanc & Colton

Becca NEEDS her girls to help her and support her for this date. How shitty would you feel if you were Becca’s ACTUAL best friends and your opinion is basically dirt because you’re not part of Bach Nation looking to grab every minute of screen time possible? Anyway, true to Bachelor incest, we found out that Colton and Tia have previously “dated” and Tia claims that he went on the show hoping she was the Bachelorette, which is a real bitch thing to say to your “close friend.” When the guys walk in it’s ALL SORTS of awkward. It’s even more awkward when Becca forgets Jason’s name. How is it remotely possible that she remembers any of these boners names? It’s episode 3. Cut her some slack. The boys change into spa employee uniforms and Jason/Colton have a heart to heart near a soothing waterfall over this stupid thing that they’re going to draw out for as long as possible. The girls let the guys do their nails, which stresses me out to no end. I don’t even like letting the lady at the nail salon do my nails let alone those slob kebabs. Becca takes Tia aside. Her and Colton apparently only kissed but Becca still wah wah’s about it. They awkwardly stare at each other and say they love each other. BFFS CAN’T BE FORCED. CUT IT OUT, ABC, THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

In the evening, Jordan talks about his Tinder game being strong and David turns around and blabs it to Becca. She rolls out and is all, “4 thousand Tinder matches? High five, bud!” But since she can’t cut Jordan because he’s good TV, Becca says she’s just joking and s’all good. In Jordan’s apology he says being a model is tough. He’s a golden retriever in relationships and is looking for a girl with a bright smile. These are all word for word things he said. Is Jordan annoying? Sure. Is David’s stuttering and tattling like a 2 year old 1000x more annoying? Also yes. All of these men whining with full-on manis officially sends me over the edge. And finally, Becca ends this bullshit Tia conflict with Colton by getting the F over it and giving him the rose, because OBVIOUSLY she wants to bang Colton, or like have a makeout sesh if this virgin storyline is real.

Let’s Make Your Heart Sing with Chris

Becca and Chris go to Capitol City Records and Richard Marx is playing piano. Becca asks him to play THE ONLY SONG I can name by Richard Marx. He has her sing it. I cringe into the ground. He’s apparently been sent to write their love song. Drama though, songwriting digs up Chris’ daddy issues and fear of being vulnerable. He walks out of the studio to have some alone time. Becca smooches the courage back into him and he crushes it of course. Richard sings their lyrics while they slow dance and make out. Speaking of Richard, I’ve never seen a man show less emotion. Kind of an odd pick to coach vulnerability and songwriting. At dinner, Chris tells Becca about writing a letter to his dad and never hearing back. Becca understands and roses him. They slow dance to Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. Again, does he have to repeat this song because it was his only hit orrrr?

Sounds kind of boring, right? Not anymore because in one quick jump we’re suddenly seeing David being carried out on a stretcher and there’s blood everywhere. Casually. They flash a solo shot of Jordan kicked back on the couch to insinuate he murdered David in cold blood. Every season we see an ambulance scene in the teaser that is supposed to make us believe the men fought and it is ALWAYS a fakeout. So taking it one step further and just tossing this scene in out of nowhere then trying to lead us to believe Jordan killed David is the farthest I will allow ABC to take this farce. Enough is enough. We return from commercial to the guys LITERALLY mopping up blood and describing David’s conditions and questioning if he’s alive. IF HE IS ALIVE. Chris visits Becca to give her the news. Becca goes WHO DID THAT and Chris Harrison responds with, “he fell out of bed and landed on his face.” How on earth did Chris deliver that line without hysterically laughing? Becca calls him and is like we totally won’t tell America that you almost killed yourself sleeping LOLOLOL just kidding cat’s out of the bag! SO IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, AN ALREADY ANNOYING GUY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SLEEP IN A BUNK BED AND FELL, BREAKING HIS NOSE AND APPARENTLY BLEEDING OUT ALL OVER THE MANSION. Don’t worry though. He’s coming back because he can’t miss his five minutes of fame. And now Becca can’t even cut him out of pity. Because he fell out of bed. And ended up in the ICU. This show is slowly killing me.

We Can Tackle Anything Together with Clay, Garrett, Leo, Christon, Bryan, John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor & Blake

Becca enlists the support from the Legends football league for this date and I honestly have no clue what that even is. Either way, Becca is surprised to see another side to Clay. He was a professional football player. What is surprising that he’s good at football? (I will redact this later.) The guys tackle each other and Becca soaks her athleisure on the sidelines. In ambulance drama part 2; Clay has a wrist injury and needs to be taken to the ER. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE OVER THE MEDICAL DRAMATICS. Act like normal humans and spend 6 weeks without needing to be rushed to a hospital, guys.

Later, Garrett lifts Becca in the air and she’s like put me down, my bhole is out. Blake gets in his head about going from a one on one to a group date. He calls Becca his girlfriend and she mounts him. Judging by how giddy Blake makes her, we are to assume he’s getting rosed. But THEN, Clay, who couldn’t attend at first because he was getting a soft cast velcroed on his wrist, surprisingly shows up in a sling and gets the rose, pity style.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does some soul searching because he needs a surgery immediately to “save” his wrist. He needs to decide if he wants to stay for Becca or leave for football. CLAY. IF YOU GOT INJURED IN A PICKUP GAME, YOU NEVER HAD A FOOTBALL CAREER TO BEGIN WITH. GOODBYE, LEGO HEAD. FOREVER. Becca cries to the camera and says she has nothing left and she’s just done. I’ll bet you 1 million dollars she was talking about ANYTHING else or her sentence was edited to that because there is no way on this planet that she’s that torn up about Clay leaving. I’ll tell you what I am done with is starting the cycle of rose ceremonies at the beginning of an episode. BOOOOOOO to this week’s episode. Next week better dazzle the shit out of me or include all of the Jordan one-liners in the world or I’M OUT.