Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Don’t Be Like Arie

Blakey-Face

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Per Bachelorette tradition in Thailand, Becca takes Blake to the sacred temples, where they cannot touch or kiss, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE HARDEST THING EITHER OF THEM HAS EVER DONE. Not trying to bone each other for like a half hour is rrrrrlllllyyyy difficult. Ugh. New couples are the WERST. They learn about true love from an actor pretending to be a religious affiliate because something tells me the actual Buddhists of Thailand weren’t looking to become reality TV stars in America. Just a hunch. Afterward, Blake brings it up that he can’t ignore the fact that she’ll be having sex with others the very same weekend. Becca reassures him that they have the most solid relationship (liar liar pants on fire.) Literally all they talk about before and after the sex is how insecure Blake is. Props to Becca for not slipping and telling him she loves him like a dummy, making it much, much worse. Girls are so much smarter than guys—cough cough Ben Higgins.

Gordon Bombay

jason

Becca and Jason dance in a street fair because they’re ADVENTUROUS. They eat CRICKETS and pretend to LIKE THEM! But then the date takes an unexpected turn and I’m not talking about cricket-induced diarrhea. Becca has a nervous breakdown and leaves Jason to vent to a producer. She said talking about their future home together made her feel weird. Seems pretty clear cut what’s happening here but obviously it gets dragged the hell out. At dinner, Jason tells Becca how much he loves her and she leaves the table once again to cry about how it doesn’t feel right. When Becca finally returns to dump him he says are you confident you don’t see a future with us and she goes I’m not confident, I just see it more with the other guys. YIKES. Go home, Jason. That’s rough. He tries to fight for more time and she gives a hard no. Jason’s a stone cold gent and wishes her happiness, no tears or dramatics. I’m pretty sure Becca cries harder than when Arie dumped her, which seems like a little much. She also compares herself to Arie, which is even more than a little much. Girl. Arie dumped you on TV after proposing to you and then wouldn’t leave and just awkwardly watched you cry. Don’tchu ever compare yourself to that hot mess. He also has a real problem with making pregnancy jokes about his future wife, which is alarming at best. Find a new practical joke, A-Money. Becca, you’re better than this.

Chriiiiiiiis Farley

Garrett and Becca stand on a bamboo float and are surrounded by 100 million other people doing the same thing. I tried paddleboarding for the first time a few weeks ago and if there were that many people around and watching me I would’ve just spun right around and immersed myself in the sand instead. Although, if we’re being honest there were quite a bit of people out and I was too scared to stand up so I basically used it like a kayak so I wasn’t judged by the fit-mom doing headstands while singing Moana on her board. FTR, that story was not exaggerated and I wish it was.

Garrett’s biggest fear is being engaged or married again and having it not work out. Gr8 thing to tell a girl a week before you’re expected to propose. After a super long and boring conversation (sry I still can’t with him), Garrett tells Becca he’s in love with her. They bang stay over in a jungle tree house. If the person I was going to marry ever made me camp out for our first romantic night togets, heads would roll. Becca tells us that she’s in love with Garrett too. HMMMM. Garrett blows the most awkward kiss ever to Becca and won’t stop bobbling his head. GAWD HE’S ANNOYING.

treehouse

Jason comes back for closure because he left WAAYYYY too easy. It’s basically just a longer version of what already happened before. And he gives Becca a scrapbook of them. What a prince. If princes had stupid hair.

Since I spent a good amount of time shitting on Becca’s dumb-ass sparkly club dresses all season long, I would like to throw some props her way because Thailand agrees with her. The florals, tie-dye and even her red off the shoulder dress at the rose ceremony. ON POINT, GURL. Almost makes up for her 8 episodes of Vegas showgirl getups. Also this rose ceremony was as useless as this entire episode was. Solid two hours of filler TV. So glad I could be here for it. Garrett does a QUEER ass toast at the end that literally just pisses Blake off because he’s not the only one in love with her. Off to the Maldives next! But first, douchnozzles tell all~~!

PS: since the leg wrap jump has become a prominent thing this szn, let’s analyze. She jumped into Blake AND Garrett’s arms and tried to crawl up inside of them, but Jason just got a hug–feet firmly planted on the ground. We should’ve known right from the start of that date that ole Slick was doomed.

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