Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Captain UNDApants

becca

“I’m like a sponge, you can squeeze me and get everything out of me… But you’ll never know until you try.”

Back at our SUPER dramatic cocktail party that was to be continued for no reason, Blake and Becca talk about what they’ll name their 5 children. They’re vibin real hard because they both like guys names for girls. Little Stevie and lil Charlie will one day watch their parent’s love story unfold on TV. Jordan insinuates that in a quick chatski with God, he made David’s injury happen. Ok, creep. As a reward, Becca gives Jordan some gold shiny nut huggers. David comes back looking BEAT. He’s got a busted nose, black/bloodshot eye and possible missing teeth. Bruh. Why even return? Jordan piles on right away for his ugly face. Becca’s all, “DAVID, REMEMBER ME?!” No, Becca, he fell off a bunk bed and has memory loss like Michelle falling off her horse in the series finale of Full House. She gives him a rose because he smashed his entire face off from sleeping too hard.

Rose Ceremony: Colton, Chris, David, Jason, Wills, Nick (in a jumpsuit), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean-Blanc

 Park City, Utah

As soon as she steps foot into this winter wonderland, I am immediately bitter. Adorbs cozy sweater, rustic lodge with a fireplace, cute little snowflakes flurrying around her as she looks at the snowy mountains on her rich ass balcony. WANNA KNOW WHAT WINTER IS RLY LIKE? Slushy and freezing and not wanting to leave your apt for 5 months. This is an LA person’s winter fantasy and I’m here to tell the truth. Winter isn’t a dream.

Bobsled Time with Garrett

garrett

Becca & Garrett start the day off doing a classic goofing off in stores montage. They go for a ride on the ski lift. Becca notes that she hasn’t been on a ski lift since she was 12 and she goes now I’m 28…how long is that? Which reminds me of the time this year that I said N*SYNC was first popular in 1998 and asked my boyfriend how long ago that was. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who’s dumb at numbers. They’re going bobsledding with Olympians. Fun fact, the two Olympians fell in love in the bobsled and now they have two kids. So, bobsled=love. Also, they gave a whole speech about teamwork but really Becca and Garrett just get driven in a bobsled by a pro. LAME. I wanted to see two amateurs take a sled for a spin down an ice luge. Call me reckless but that would’ve made much better TV.

Back at the house Lincoln who beats women and poops on the floor, also argues that the earth is flat. Yes, let’s listen to this jabroni.

Later on, Becca tells Garrett that he reminds her of her dad. Garrett’s only been in love once when he was fresh out of college and they got married and divorced. They were married for a brief 2 months before getting divorced. This gives Becca the scaries. What she learns is that Garrett’s ex wife was emotionally abusive and he didn’t want to get divorced but realized she was the wrong woman for him. Becca’s all, you’re loyal AF and I want this. She roses Garrett and what do you think they do next? They obviously walk on over to an impromptu Granger Smith concert. Because what would a one on one date be without a lesser-known country musician and a staged slow dance at a concert?

 I’m Yelling Timber with David, Lincoln, Connor, Christon, Colton, Jean Blanc, James, John, Jordan, & Leo

A real life lumberjack piles onto the “I met my sig other in my profession” contrived storyline. In a surprising turn of events, the bobsledders were lesbians but the female lumberjack wasn’t. The men have to show that they’re good at chopping wood. It’s straight out of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Super embarrassing for the guys that couldn’t make a dent. Nerdy John ends up lifting the log and I was like YEAH JOHN, YOU SHOW THEM, YOU BIG NERD. Then he said I lifted a log, woohoo, with a stupid victory dance and I immediately regretted cheering for him. They all button up their Old Navy flannels and clip on some suspenders to compete in a log-festive competition. Looks like splinter city, tbh. John wins the Golden Axe. Well-deserved cause how the hell did he win a physical competition with these meatheads.

golden axe

Jason says he cares for Becca and then kisses THE WEIRDEST. He moves his head but not his mouth. Huh? Jordan strips down to his golden undies and tries to make out with Becca who visibly cringes and says I can’t. Way to keep up the façade that you’re keeping Jordan here for yourself and not because producers want him around for entertainment/a fiery 2 on 1 date with David. Colton takes Jordan aside to tell him that he’s acting like a clown. He’s protecting Becca, of course. Jean-Blanc gives Becca her own fragrance called Miss Becca Blanc and then whispers in her ear that he wants to kiss her. Becca has never been more turned off. I literally felt the sahara dry heat comnig off of her vagina during that kiss. He gets interrupted and Becca is relieved but since he’s tone deaf, he comes back for round 2. He tells Becca he’s falling in love with her and there’s actual crickets. OBVIOUSLY Becca says she doesn’t see a future with him. As she’s walking him out he asks why the perfume didn’t work and that he lied about loving her. Becca goes on an honesty rampage at the guys. NO ROSES FOR YOU DIRTY LIARS.

Snowmobiling with Wills

wills

Becca’s crying about last night still but says she doesn’t want to ruin the date. Wills just wants to make Becca smile. What a cutie patootie. They share some respectful, polite kisses and it makes me happy. At night, Wills opens up about how he thought he found his person and his heart was broken. BITCH ASKED FOR A HALL PASS AND STEPPED OUT ON HIM!!! He’s afraid of not being enough, as one would be when their past girlfriend was a two timin’ hoe. He gets rosed and they make out against a lovely stone wall.

NO COCKTAIL PARTY BECAUSE THIS EPISODE STARTED WITH A ROSE CEREMONY AND WE’RE CUT FOR TIME. (Also not to brag but I’ve gotten to the point where Chris Harrison walks into the room and I can say verbatim what he’s going to say. As soon as he strolled in post-date, I was like well there’s no cocktail party tonight because Becca is sure of what she wants to do. Do I get an award for predicting everything ever that happens on this show? I wish I did.)

Rose Ceremony: Garrett, Wills, Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, Jordan

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