Did I have unreasonably high expectations for this year’s Golden Globes because Amy and Tina have killed it for two years now? Yes, yes I did. I poured myself a tall glass of wine (red…because I’m an adult now) and settled in for some LOL’s with people I pretend are my close friends. I’m gonna have to admit that the monologue was funny with some jokes that crushed it, but overall I don’t think this was their best one. Probably because it was their last and they mailed it in but let’s break it down.

The Monologue:

The focus of their jokes right off the bat were North Korea, unfortunately but at least they got a few jabs at the shitty movie that started this drama “The Interview”, Amy thanked North Korea for “forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.” While discussing the big movies up for awards, Amy & Tina pointed out that there was a live painting of Big Eyes in the audience as the camera panned to Emma Stone. Emma proved to be the good sport of this year’s awards and hammed it up, taking the joke like a champ. The gals explain what cake is to the starving actresses of Hollywood and say that it’s something women who admit that they have aged get on their birthday. It wouldn’t be an awards show without mention of Clooney and his new other half, Tina lists all of Amal’s impressive accomplishments and then knocks Clooney because HE’S the one receiving a lifetime achievement award. Since these two goons have been friends for “50 years”, they play their fave game Who Would You Rather with celebs and it’s perfect and full of sex puns. Amy picking Mark Ruffalo and saying “I like it ruffalo” for the win. The Theory of Everything is summed up in one sentence by Amy, “A crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.” Who doesn’t love that? Then we get into some Bill Cosby rape jokes, which apparently made everyone uncomfy but I thought it was hilarious. Describing Into the Woods, “Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.” followed by Tina and Amy doing their best Bill Cosby impressions was probably the highlight of the whole monologue. I can always get down with offensive jokes. They wrapped it up with a little call and response cheer with the crowd and I still want to be friends with them a whole lot. (Watch Full Monologue here)

Highs:

-On the E! Red Carpet when both Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic couldn’t find their chill around Amal & Clooney. Ryan debuted a stupid shirt that said Game Over with a bride and groom and said it was Clooney’s wedding gift. Giuliana tried to get them to do a tequila shot with her and they were both like no thanks and she took one anyway and was super concerned afterward that Clooney still liked her. Slobberfest.

-The tables at the awards are basically on top of each other and watching women in heels maneuver that like a maze, especially when coming from the cheap seats in the back was entertaining.

-Either the A/C wasn’t working or everyone there had the liquor sweats because the shine factor was 1 billion and it was great seeing all those hours of glam squad go to waste. They literally showed someone paper toweling their face at one point.

-Apparently Jen Aniston almost flashed her RB curtains while getting up to present the first award but I wasn’t paying attention so basically it didn’t happen.

-JLo and Jeremy Renner present an award together and Jenny from tha block asks Jeremy if she should open the envelope because she has the nails (obv.) and Renner quips “You’ve got the globes too.” ZINGGGG. JLo looked offended and uncomfy but like you don’t almost show nip and then act surprised when someone calls you out for it. Own it gurl.

– Matthew Bomer wins for The Normal Heart (I SAW THIS!!!) and thanks his husband and kids and apologizes for being a grumpy bitch who weighed LESS THAN ME when he watched them eat pizza while preparing for this role. Also I drooled the whole time he was onstage.

-“Famous people are above the law, as it should be.”-Ricky Gervais

-Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader present Best Screenplay and botch famous movie quotes with terrible impressions. They’re basically just goofing together with funny voices and I literally cannot get enough of it. This makes up for the shitty North Korea never-ending joke. (Watch Here)

-Clooney crushed his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement award, making it obvious why everyone constantly slobbers all over him. Best moments include: “Now that we’ve all been hacked, we can apologize face to face for all the snarky things we said”, “80% of the people in this room don’t win and then you’re a loser.”(he points out that everyone there is awesome and amazing and if you’re not there you actually are a loser), “It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love. Amal, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.” This time she wasn’t blabbing and was actually paying attention, which was nice.

-John Legend & Common win for Best Original Song and are giving a touching speech about how relevant the movie Selma is, they show Chrissy Teigen in the crowd with frozen cry face. Twitter was ALL over that. Obviously so was Chrissy and she defended herself by saying she doesn’t practice her cry face.

-Ruth Wilson wins for best actress in The Affair and thanks a co-star by saying, “Your ass is something of great beauty.” Brits make swearwords sound so elegant and I’m supes jelly.

-I’m 99% sure that Julianne Moore madeout with Matthew McConaughey when she accepted her award.

-Eddie Redmayne wins best Actor for Theory of Everything and shouts it out to his fresh wife in his acceptance speech, they’re honeymooning at the Globes. Ah, young Hollywood love, how adorbsies.

-Jared Leto with the man braid, completely upstaging his previously famous man bun.

Lows:

-Amy & Tina do a North Korea bit with Margaret Cho as a North Korean and its suuuuper racist and just as played out as the Pizza joke of last year’s Oscars.

-The stars of Fifty Shades of Grey present an award together and have about as much chemistry as two pieces of bread.

-Prince presents best original song and never fails to creep me the F out. He’s wearing a gold textured suit with cane and signature circle colored sunglasses aka the product of my nightmares. The crowd loses their shit for him though, apparently he’s really loved.

-Katherine Heigl tried out some internet dating jokes about the male nominees with David Duchovny and I could actually hear the crickets. It’s become comical how much Hollywood hates her.

-Julianna Marguiles & Don Cheadle present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Clooney, compete who is better friends with him. It’s pretty awkward and apparently Amal, her highness agrees cause she gets caught yapping away during their “speech”. The following montage makes me realize I’ve seen like two things Clooney is in, which is pretty embarrassing on my part.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal wins and is soooo boring and blaaaahhh and talks about what turns her on and the only thing that makes this speech worth watching is because they show Jake in the audience a whole lot.

-Michael Keaton wins best actor for Birdman and catches a case of the rambles and also a case of the cries as he talks about his best friend and barely chokes out that it’s his son. Also gives us a full family history and his name is actually Michael Douglas? Did I hear that right or did I doze off during this four hour speech? Feel free to correct me if you stayed awake.

-The Globes are known as the most fun awards show because the booze is flowing and yet no one got sloppy drunk and embarrassed themselves or slurred a funny speech. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Full List of Winners:

Best Supporting Actor-JK Simmons, Whiplash

Best Supporting Actress in TV-Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Best Miniseries/TV Movie-Fargo

Best Actor in Miniseries-Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Best Actress in TV- Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

Best Comedy- Transparent

Best Original Score-Johann Johannsson, Theory of Everything

Best Original Song- Glory- Common, John Legend (Selma)

Best Supporting Actor Miniseries, TV Movie- Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Best Actress in Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical)- Amy Adams, Big Eyes

Best Animated Film-How to Train Your Dragon 2

Best Supporting Actress in Motion Picture- Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Best Screenplay- Birdman (buncha foreigners)

Best Actor in Comedy, Musical TV- Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Foreign Language Film-Leviathan, Russia

Actress Miniseries/Movie- Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honourable Woman

Best TV series/Drama- The Affair

Actor TV Series, Drama- Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Cecil B. DeMille Award- Clooney

Best Director of Motion Picture- Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Best Actress, TV Series-Drama-Ruth Wilson, The Affair

Best Actor, Motion Picture Comedy or Musical- Michael Keaton, Birdman

Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical- The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Actress in Motion Picture, Drama-Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Actor in Motion Picture, Drama- Eddie Redmayne, Theory of Everything

Best Motion Picture, Drama- Boyhood

See ya for the Oscars betchezzzzzz.