Television

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide

The bad news is that most of you probably have jobs and don’t have time to watch endless hours of TV pilots and decide if something’s worth watching. The GREAT news is that I currently am without that little thing called employment and therefore have loads of time on my hands to consume all the new TV that fall has to offer. That’s precisely what I did for a full day of couch surfing so that I could deliver an unbiased (a little biased) guide on what to watch and what to skip this year in premiere primetime TV. It was really hard.

SKIP:

muppets

The Muppets, ABC Tuesdays 8P

Seriously I would like to look the creator of this show in the eye and just ask why. I didn’t watch it because I can’t bear to put myself through an hour of adult sesame street. If you would like to watch a bunch of cartoon characters hang out, by all means watch this show, otherwise just continue living your life and wait until it eventually goes away.

besttimeever

Best Time Ever Live with Neil Patrick Harris, NBC Tuesdays 10p

I started this one with an open mind, and gleeful memories of Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, the most ridiculous character ever. Unfortunately I couldn’t even get through the whole first episode. It was bad, like really bad. He uses his Hollywood connects for celebrity guest appearances and the whole thing plays out like a game show bringing in audience members and people on their couches at home for contests and games. It’s too much, like he’s trying to jam an awards show hosting gig of punchlines and gags into an hour each week. Also Perez Hilton was in the first show’s live audience wearing pink jeans and that’s right about when I checked out.

codeblack

Code Black, CBS Wednesdays 10p

Here’s a generic medical drama where there are fresh doctors to be taught and everyone has a sneaky past that comes out piece by piece in each episode as they all get to know each other. No huge star power in this show except for Marcia Gay Harden who’s the leading veteran doctor. The unique aspect of the pitch is that this particular hospital is for emergency medicine and therefore the pressure is higher to be bomb.com. There was A LOT of blood in the first episode and also there’s not enough attractive doctors to keep me hooked. I give this a bleh rating especially with the amount this genre is played out.

rosewood

Rosewood, FOX Wednesdays 8p

Typical cop drama, Rosewood is a pathologist and his partner is a hot Latina detective with deeper issues. It’s set in Miami and kind of gives off a Bones meets CSI Miami vibe as far as genre goes but full disclosure I didn’t watch an entire episode. I watched like 20 minutes and it was lame. Rosewood questions the detective’s skills and there’s a lot of sexual tension. I don’t think it will last very long in my very expert opinion.

bloodoil

Blood & Oil, ABC Sundays 9p

I actually planned to start watching this show and marked the premiere on my calendar…mostly for Chace Crawford. Unfortunately I was suuuuuupes disappointed. Essentially a Dallas knockoff with worse acting, this soap opera-y take on the oil industry will essentially be a formula of sex and backstabbing every week. I normally would be down with that since I don’t need smart TV to feel less guilty about watching a show, but the acting is like new levels of horrendous. Chace and his wife are real awkward and try to make up for lack of acting skill by kissing a lot. It’s all the cringes. If you’re looking for some mindless TV where you can watch hot people bang each other then by all means tune in, I think I’m going to sit this one out because I actually found a lot of winners in the new crop of shows as displayed below…

WATCH:

lifeinpieces

Life In Pieces, CBS Mondays 830P

A sitcom about a family with adult children and all of their various sub-family plots, this show probably won’t last very long due to the nature of how quickly generic sitcoms get axed, HOWEVER I watched two episodes and it did make me laugh out loud a few times. One son is in his late thirties and lives with his parents, his sister is married with three kids–one who is about to go to college and his brother is married with a fresh baby. Fans of New Girl will notice that the actress who played Fawn Moscato is the new mom and her interpretation of what happens after you have a baby is hilarious, and also terrifying. The miracle of ruined vaginas, if you will. Each member of the family has their hot mess qualities and they all feed off of each other when in the same room, episodes are broken up by “stories” to follow each family’s issues.

Watch if you like: Modern Family

grandfathered

Grandfathered, FOX Tuesdays 8P

Obviously this has been promoted endlessly because it’s John Stamos and he happens to have built-in PR people, also known as his Full House castmates. I was a little disappointed in this because I expected to laugh a lot but I found that most of the scenes were already shown in clips or teasers. It holds promise, though and that’s why it’s on the watch list. The pilot begins with John Stamos examining his hair and it quickly becomes clear that he’s playing bachelor Uncle Jesse and I can always get down with any facet of Uncle Jesse. He finds out he has a son and granddaughter and becomes involved in their lives immediately. There are a lot of current jokes including a knock at Buzzfeed listicles and I can see how this might grow. Bonus: You know you’ll see at least Dave Coulier and Bob Saget do guest spots, because when you get a show, you hire your friends.

Watch if you liked: Full House, The Mindy Project (current pop culture humor)

grinder

The Grinder, FOX Tuesdays 830P

Again, judging just from the pilot it was a little lackluster but there’s potential to blossom. Rob Lowe and Fred Savage are brothers, Rob just finished a long running TV series where he played a lawyer and Fred is an actual lawyer who happens to have a serious case of stage fright. Feeling lost after ending the series, Rob’s character sticks around trying to find what to do next and ends up wanting to become a lawyer and outshining his brother in the courtroom because he has a dazzling personality. What I liked about the show is that Rob Lowe is doing what he did while playing Chris Traeger in Parks & Rec–poking fun at himself by being so over the top and it works. Fred Savage’s wife and kids add humor with their different personalities and how they patronize his character for being such a wiener.

Watch if you liked: Franklin & Bash, Parks & Rec

screamqueens

Scream Queens, FOX Tuesdays 9P

Fox made itself a spicy little Tuesday night lineup, and I’m not just saying that because I used to work for them. This show was highly anticipated because it’s a Ryan Murphy creation (the male Shonda Rhimes) and it has big names involved i.e. Jamie Lee Curtis, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ariana Grande, Lea Michele, etc. I was a little weary to watch it because I am not a person who likes to shit her pants while watching TV alone out of fear, but I decided to give it a shot because it was buzzed about so much. The show itself has great writing and acting. There’s a lot of sassy dialogue from characters who are making fun of themselves and today’s world– like when a character gets murdered and sends a tweet while she’s bleeding out. Essentially it follows a corrupt and terrible sorority where bitches are getting slayed left and right by a masked killer, taking all that’s cheesy from horror movie “Scream” and poking fun at it. Since we’re in a trust tree here, I’ll admit that I did jump a few times and want to cover my eyes when there were some bloodier scenes. All in all I would say it goes more for humor and entertainment, less for terrifying.

Watch if you like: Glee (for the funny dialogue, not as much for the singing), Difficult People

blindspot

Blindspot, NBC Mondays 10p

A show I would normally never watch and yet it’s good. Like really good. Following a woman who was dropped in the middle of Times Square and erased of all memory, the FBI works with her to figure out who she is. Her body is covered in fresh tattoos that are essentially clues to various things. The first one solved was for a terrorist attack and the show is set up like a puzzle to figure out who this chick is and how she got here. She’s supes attractive and the lead detective on the case is a hot piece with dazzling eyes so I don’t doubt for a second that they will be getting to know each other biblically but there’s a lot of mystery and little pieces being thrown out just in the first episode, so it’s definitely a show you’ll need to pay attention for. It personally gave me too much anxiety to regularly watch but it’s well done if it’s your type of show.

Watch if you like: The Blacklist

quantico

Quantico, ABC Sundays 10p

A similar keep-you-on-your-toes vibe, this one surprised me especially since I hated Blood & Oil so much and those two are paired in a lineup for Sunday nights. Quantico is a place where FBI agents are sent to be trained and the show works on flashbacks based on mostly the perspective of one girl who is being framed for a terrorist attack. The first five minutes give us a steamy car sex scene between two of the FBI trainees and then I didn’t take one note for the rest of the episode, so clearly it was riveting. It’s less intense than Blindspot and you probably shouldn’t watch it if you’re a nervous nellie because it deals with corruption in the FBI and terrorists infiltrating our country. Yikes…but like, with really hot people.

Watch if you like: Grey’s Anatomy (before Shonda killed everyone important)/anything Shondaland, Revenge

Not Yet Premiered:

truthbetold

Truth Be Told, NBC Premieres Friday 10/16 830P

Though it hasn’t premiered yet, I’ll give this one a shot because it stars Mark Paul Gosselaar and I give him a chance every time. I mean seriously, his track record is Saved by the Bell and Franklin & Bash, how bad could it possibly be? Also don’t answer that just yet, because it got the Friday night death slot and we might not see it for very long.

drken

Dr. Ken, ABC Premieres Friday 10/2 8P

While watching endless episodes on demand I saw a handful of promos for this show. Normally I would write it off because in my humble TV experience shows that focus on a comedian end up trying way too hard to mimic what Seinfeld did and they fail miserably…but Ken Jeong is so outrageous as a comedic actor that I found myself laughing at the previews. I mean he put his daughter’s skinny jeans on. Can you imagine if your dad did that? Anyway, I might give this one the ole pilot try as well even though it’s another Friday night doomed, roof stoof.

Each show on this list is only a couple episodes in at most, so it’ll be easy to catch up and get hooked! Hope this guide was helpful, if it wasn’t then just appreciate the fact that it’s all I have to show for a day where I was in perfect health and still laid on the couch watching TV for 12 consecutive hours. #IDoItForTheBlog

Music

The 50th ACM’s Recap

Ya’ll, first and foremost I’d like to thank Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior for the opportunity to watch every country artist thank Jesus Christ their Lord & Savior last night. Second I’d like to ask what cameras to look at when I thank them. No but actually, obviously a round stage means there are several spots to stand in and I don’t doubt there were no less than 10 cameras surrounding it, but REALLY? you couldn’t give ANYONE a quick memo or flag which camera to look at? If I drank every time a winner announced that they didn’t know where to look followed by a shout out to their boy JC I would’ve been blackout REAL quick. Without further ado, here are the things that were fabulous about last night’s show and the things that were less than fabulous.

Yay:

-Kicking off the night with a pan to a random person singing the wrong words to the opening song by Keith and Eric promptly followed by a T. Swift crowd shot. The two things I enjoy most about award shows within seconds of each other, people getting caught not knowing the lyrics and Swiftie’s awkward dance moves. (PS: IS SHE THE TALLEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD?)

-FGL performs without a whisper of a disgusting vest or overdone tassel. They’ve grown up before my very eyes and I’m just so darn proud of them for wearing normal people clothes. They best keep it up.

-Miranda Lambert showing women of the world that not all pantssuits have to be for an interview at the White House. Never ever thought i would use sexy and pants suit in the same sentence but here we are. Also performance corset. Damn, girl.

-Sam Hunt performs “Take Your Time” in red hot pants, yes please. (By perform, I obviously mean just the chorus because he’s a n00b and apparently hasn’t earned performing time yet. For shame.)

-Tony Jokes on Jokes Romo throwing a pass to Luke Bryan and then tells a quick LOL about deflategate by saying “We’re the Dallas Cowboys, we have real balls.”

-The most real mushroom cut I’ve ever seen on this guy from Alabama.

-Kelly Clarkson introduces Mommy in Law Reba and goes, “…basically what I’m saying is I have the coolest mother in law and you also can suck it.” A girl after my own heart.

-T.Swizzle gets a full on montage about how perfect she is then her mom presents the 50th Anniversary Milestone award. Andrea gives us a quick peek at Tay’s pre-star years when apparently she was a real loser in school whose only friend was her mom (poor T) and she also wrote Love Story because her parents wouldn’t let her date a guy who clearly was a turd. Then Mama Swift gets choked up so obviously I get choked up and Tay accepts and thanks the country community for being graceful and the bomb.com with her transition to pop.

-Blake Shelton sings a song about sangria mouth and all I can think about is this and have a giggle fit.

-Dan & Shay team up with Nick Jonas and sing Jealous AND Chains. Nick Jonas struts that shit and owns the damn performance, my panties melt away and I barely even notice the two country goobers with stupid identical hairstyles onstage with him in his shadow.

-Lady A performs a new banger song and wins for one of the VERY few upbeat performances of the night.

Nay:

-Lee Brice gives a quick shoutout to Randy Travis in the audience and I’m very concerned that it’s a little too soon for him to be making public appearances after his stroke/millions of health troubles because he LEGIT doesn’t move a muscle and I had to question if he was still alive.

-Most performances were medleys of the singers greatest hits and I was all in on that. Nothin but the hits, nothin but the hits, nothin but the motherf’ing hits.

-Martina McBride sings a song from 11 years ago. Way to keep it current, guys. She looks like a dime piece though.

-Luke performs “I See You” and wears a golf polo and I’d like to submit a formal petition that Luke only wears v necks with a backwards hat and shake it at least 10 times per performance. Don’t stray from what works, Luke. I don’t handle change well.

VS. (jus sayin)

-Rascal Flatts and Xtina perform together and I have not the slightest clue what song they’re singing because it’s just a bunch of sounds and vocal runs aka it’s so Xtina it hurts. I don’t remember hearing one coherent lyric in this performance. But she wore a jean jacket. Cause that’s SO country.

-Because this show is in TEXAS. Did you hear it’s in TEXAS? Well they use the Dallas cheerleaders as stage ho’s. No seriously, all they do is stand onstage when someone wins an award. Good work.

-Kenny recalls his first ACM’s when he actually had a record deal and they still sat him in the nosebleeds. Could it possibly be because he refuses to wear anything other than a cut off tee? Clean it up, Kenny.

-The amount of times that a country star introducing another star not so discreetly points out that they’re buddies or friends is exhausting. Hey, you’re all country stars who love to drink and sing about the same things. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re all friends. No need to give AIM profile shoutouts at every introduction.

-Dr. Phil was given a mic and I wish that he wasn’t cause he shouts into it because his natural vocal decibel is always set to megaphone.

-Brooks & Dunn are performing togets for the first time in 100 years or something…Brooks (or Dunn?) is scarin me with his face though.

-My dreamboat of all dreamboats, Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year again (rightfully so) and the minute he starts his acceptance speech, someone who I’m sure was immediately fired starts playing him out with Miranda’s song “Over You.” Yiiiiikes bet that made his moment real special.

Bottom Line-Real MVP’s of the night were the man candy underdogs of country (&Nick Jonas):

GIVE IT TO ME.

Full Winners List:

Song of the Year: “Automatic”- Miranda Lambert

Vocal Duo of the Year: Florida Georgia Line

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Miranda Lambert, Most Awarded Female in Country

Vocal Group of the Year: Little Big Town

50^th Anniversary Milestone Award: Reba

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Taylor Swift

Album of the Year: Platinum-Miranda Lambert

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Garth Brooks

New Artist of the Year: Cole Swindell

Female Vocalist: Miranda Lambert

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Kenny Chesney

Single Record of the Year: “I Don’t Dance”-Lee Brice

Male Vocalist: Jason Aldean

50^th Anniversary Milestone: Brooks & Dunn

Entertainer of the Year: Luke Bryan, duhz

Music, Red Carpet

ACM’s Red Carpet

HEY GUYS! It’s one out of 1000 country music awards! Except these ones are GREAT because Luke Bryan co-hosts with Blake Shelton and therefore I get to spend a lot of time staring at my TV and drooling over Lukey. Generally the country boys really show up for these awards, fashion-wise. There were a couple disappointments but overall the southern gentlemen were looking fre$h in their Sunday best.

Worst:

Shweet Curtains.

The Mickey Mouse Ears covering her boobs aren’t doing things for me.

WHY DO MEN STILL THINK IT’S OK TO WEAR POWDER BLUE. IT’S NOT.

Montel is here for some reason, and he borrowed this outfit from an ice dancer.

Damn it, Nick. You’re a smoke and you decided to wear this?! He looks like a caricature of Woody from Toy Story.

Jana, this dress makes me dizzy.

Frankie Ballard as the Circus ring leader of the evening.

Why is Jamie Lyn Spears here?

This is his “awards show” short sleeve plaid shirt.

Hate to do it but I don’t like this dress at all. She redeems herself real quick during the awards though.

Was there a 2 for 1 special at the barber, Dan & Shay?

Prom Barbie

Nottttt a flattering dress

I mean…

Why is Darius wearing the same shades that the old blind guy in the Sandlot wore?

Might I remind everyone that at the CMA’s, this girl performed in basically a sparkle t-shirt. Clearly she has something against covering her lady bits.

Best:

Red sass on sass.

Boys, this is how you do blue. Take notes.

Classic look for Kellie Pickler

Best dressed couple of the night. Best dressed couple of ever.

Chase lookin polished and classy.

Dierks with the plaid sass is fresh to death.

Don’t think I didn’t try to crop his wife out.

Left Osborne-Yes, Right Osborne-No (Powder Blue rule…)

FGL NO VESTS. GET IT, BOYS.

Hunter in a grown up suit.

Kacey didn’t do anything flashy or weird and for that I commend her on the best dressed.

YASS.

Keith is so cool guy rocker it hurts.

The disco ball twins went for it.

Sam Hunt ❤

Don’t even know who this is and it was my fave of the night, easily.

PURPLE SUIT. ALL THE AWARDS.

Music, Television

The Grammy’ZzzzZZZzz Recap

The Grammy’s are the biggest awards show for music, and they usually contain only a handful of awards and then several hours of performance. This is a great concept because most people would rather see the performances anyway, IF THEY’RE FUN AND UPBEAT. Last night’s show was the MOST boring awards show I’ve ever watched. They allowed snooze machine after snooze machine get onstage and croon out slow jams. It was a real struggle to stay awake for almost three hours with every performance serenading me to sleep. It was also the night of oldies collaboration, I assume in attempts to teach our youth who the classics are so they can cut the shit with tweeting out “AC/DC sounds like a really cool new artist.” I’m guessing it didn’t work. (Mostly because “Who Is Beck” was trending…)

We started off the night being reminded that LL Cool J is still hosting this thing, 20 years later. He’s also still wearing the same Kangol and licking those juicy lips every 30 seconds. Good to see some things never change. (He also forgoes a monologue…probably because he doesn’t want to get boo’ed off the stage—by me.)

The opening act is AC/DC and looking back I think this is the point where the Grammy’s really fooled us. I can see it now, some producer saying let’s open the show with a rockin performance from AC/DC so they’ll get all riled up for a bangin show and then we’ll hit em with the snooze button for the remaining three hours. Nailed it. This performance was for the old people and they really hit their target audience because I got a text from my mom that just said “ACDC!!!!” She was pretty excited. I personally kept thinking I was watching the final performance from School of Rock and was waiting for Zack Mooneyham to come out and melt faces with his guitar solo because of this outfit:

Here’s the breakdown of the rest of the night…

Sleepies:

-Ariana Grande’s performance of “Just A Little Bit of Your Heart” gives me just a little bit of the sleepies.

-Jessie J and old guy (Tom Jones…I googled it) sing “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling” and Jessie J’s atrocious outfit is distracting me from this weird duet. Also Jessie’s voice wasn’t on point as it usually is.

-Kanye has his first Grammy’s performing in 6 years. I know that because the announcers reminded me 10 times, I’m surprised Kanye also didn’t remind us. He has a single spotlight on him as he sings “Only One” about baby North with an Autotuner. He’s also dressed up for the occasion with a full red sweatsuit. Side Note: Is autotune still a thing? I thought T-Pain killed it like 6 years ago. (AKA the last time Yeezus was allowed to perform at the Grammy’s. Never mind, it makes sense now.)

-Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani sing a song with only the words yes and yeah in it. It blows and Gwen tries to riff it up like Xtina would. No, no, no. They both look hawt though, so there’s that.

– Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” with that mop of curls and Annie Lennox pops in to give us all the scaries and sing a bunch of noises with crazy eyes.

-Prezzy Barack Obama makes a cameo to remind us how awful domestic abuse is, I’m lookin at you Chris Breezy. Then we’re all treated to a weird poetic speech from a domestic abuse survivor and by the end of her talk I genuinely thought I had just watched a scene from a play. It was a nice touch to add some downer abuse and violence snippets to a show full of sad, slow songs. High alert for wrist cutting last night.

-Katy peforms in a tight white dress that makes her look 3 months pregs and there are no gimmicks, no sharks with legs, and CERTAINLY no Missy. Booooooooo.

-Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett perform “Cheek to Cheek.” Gags writhes her body all over Tony’s and I don’t know how he doesn’t have a heart attack on the spot. She clearly rolled around in Cheeto dust pre-performance and also doesn’t know what to do with her hands because they keep spazzing.

-The KING of grooving, Ursher baby, sings a LULLABY with a harp and Steve Wonder comes out for a hot second. WHY. This is the point of the night where I had given up on ever hearing happy music again.

-The SUPER hyped up collaboration of Rihanna, Paul McCartney & Kanye where Paul’s mic is 100% turned off. He’s just there for shock value and to fuel more youth tweets of “Who is Paul McCartney?” Rihanna sounds gr8 even though she is wearing a baggy suit from Men’s Warehouse. Kanye tries to steal the show the entire time. At one point he shouts at Paul to pay his bail, it’s the most interaction Paul gets all night as he mimes into a muted mic and tries to keep up with the cool kids who are about four five seconds from WILDIN’.

-Sam Smith and Mary J Blige perform “Stay With Me” TWICE. Great voices, not exactly an upper.

-Chris Martin & Beck perform and basically are twins. They sing a slow song, obv.

-Beyonce was who I was waiting for all night to end the show on a BANG. She comes out wearing an angel-esque wedding gown with a full choir behind her and I slip into a deep coma never to return again. It’s embarrassing how long I waited for her to strip that gown off and shout BRING DA BEAT IN. Spoiler alert: She didn’t.

-John Legend and Common perform Glory after Bey and I think I was throwing things at my TV at this point. JK I was sleeping.

Highlights:

-Pharrell wins solo pop performance, struts onstage in his biz Bermudas and says “this is really awkward” a couple times before getting played offstage. If he’s referring to wearing knee length dress shorts to an awards show than I agree, it is really awkward.

-Miranda performs “Little Red Wagon” in a full leather bodysuit and cowboy boots, the sass is AMPED up and she wins the award for most upbeat song of the night.

-The REAL Barry Gibb comes onstage to present and all I want to see is this:

-Madonna the 56 year old wearing a red corset bodysuit has the second most upbeat performance of the night and she basks in the glory by slamming her crotch into her dancers faces. Her barf.com arms also make a debut when she strips her sparkle jacket off and the grand finale is when her limp body is risen above the stage. You do you, Madge.

-Josh Duhamel, Julian Edelman and Malcolm Butler present an award, clearly Malcolm gets a little nervsies and poops his pants trying to read the teleprompter, then they tell a cheesy interception joke when Malcolm snatches the winner out of Josh’s hands. LOL. No but seriously, I didn’t even care that this was super awks, Josh Duhamel and Julian Edelman were standing side by side and it was a breathtaking view. Fingers crossed Edelman took my advice on snatching phones up in Hollywood last night or we’re gonna have a lot of pics to sift through this morning from all his lays.

-Ed performs “Thinking out Loud” and it is magic and there might be some tears from me out of sheer joy from Ed saving this trainwreck. John Mayer joins him onstage just to make weird faces and play backup guitar. Go away, John. This is Ed’s moment. (Kim K is the only one sitting when Ed gets a standing O at the end. Killlll yerrrrseeelllffff.)

-Ed performs with some old people (Electric Light Orchestra?) and we get the funniest moment of the night when they pan to Paul McCartney as the ONLY one standing and getting his groove on. They keep a camera on him for so long it basically shames him into sitting down. Way to go, producers.

-This guy’s hair:

-BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T LET HAPPY DIE. Pharrell performs a “new version” and is wearing a bellhop uniform with yellow sequin sneaks. The start of his performance his him shouting out things and Google Translate shouting it back to him in other languages. There’s choir action and piano solos and at the end Pharrell says, “I’m in your service oh Lord.” Bruh, God is ALSO sick of Happy so if you were in his service you wouldn’t have played it. Get outta here.

-Prince is still a creeper.

-Beck wins album of the year and asks for a recount. Kanye stands up to try to do a repeat of “Imma let you finish but…Beyonce had the best video of all TIME.” Beck welcomes him onstage to save us all from his awkward speech full of long pauses but Kanye’s like nah JUST KIDDING GUYS. I’m a sensitive father now, I don’t play that game anymore. Buzzzzzzzkilllllll.

-Apparently Kanye & T.Swizz do the Parent Trap handshake during a commercial break and become besties again, 6 years post-incident. If there’s also a collab in the future I quit music.

-Sia’s performs Chandalier with an extravagant set that is supposedly recreating a painting of “The Invisible Man” (This obv. went way over my head, but I read it somewhere.) The performance opens with Shia LaBeouf reading a strange letter. Sia stands in the scene facing the wall, singing and her dancers are Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and Kristen Wiig. Kristen hopping around in a leotard and doing goofy faces made me laugh out loud like I was watching an SNL sketch. Prob not what Sia was going for, but it was interesting to say the least. Also personal note to Sia: cut the shit with the hiding of your face. She does it because she doesn’t want to be famous YET we all know what she looks like. Enough is enough. I was praying she would win to see how she would handle her acceptance speech. Would she steal one of Daft Punk’s helmets from last year?

-Lots of blind jokes with Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx. Good to see he still has a sense of humor about his lack of sight.

-Sam Smith won literally all of the awards. He thanked his ex-BF for being a scumbag and getting him all deeze Grammy’s and also confessed that he once tried to lose weight to be successful and the lesson to take away here is don’t ever diet because if you don’t you’ll have four Grammys to show for it.

Winners:

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Solo Pop Performance- Happy, Pharell

Best Pop Vocal Album-Sam Smith

Best R&B Performance- Drunk in Love, Beyonce

Best Rock Album- Beck

Best Country Album- Miranda Lambert

Album of the Year- Beck

Song of the Year- Stay With Me, Sam Smith

Record of the Year- Sam Smith

As a reward for sitting through that pile of sad, slow garbage, here’s the best performances from last year to cleanse you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BidCMrrJXA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNUP_ECWMQo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ImE8QV5Fs0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FY4MRdQOdE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSaxGesjybA

Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammy’s Red Carpet

It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending

Worst Dressed:

Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.

Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.

Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?

Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.

Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.

Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.

I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.

I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.

I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.

Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?

Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.

KANGOL. NUFF SAID.

Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.

This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?

I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.

Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.

Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.

Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.

The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.

Best Dressed:

Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.

BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.

Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.

Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).

I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤

Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.

MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.

I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.

Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)

Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.

Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.

Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)

Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.

Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.

Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.

AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:

This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉

Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

In the spirit of awards season and not missing any one that they air, I actually watched the People’s Choice Awards. Yiiiiikes. I won’t bore you with a recap on them because literally nothing happened. I think the highlight of the night was when Chris Evans escorted Betty White to the stage for her TV Icon Award and it was a real panty-melter to see such a hottie being a gentleman. Adam Sandler won an award and Fall Out Boy performed so I had myself questioning what year it actually was several times. Also hosts Anna Faris and Allison Janney played it safe all night and were basically just there to promote their soon to be cancelled show Moms ad nauseum. Also Iggy Azalea tried to bone Dax Shepard by flirting with him on stage. And we’re all caught up. I did however decide to do a best and worst dressed list because there were some standouts that deserved to be addressed.

Worst Dressed:

I mean these are your hosts and their not looking their best. Anna Faris is wearing a circus ruffle dress and Allison Janney is showing an untasteful amount of cleavage for her age…

I’ve seen Amy Adams look stunning and this just wasn’t doing it for me. Too plain. Also I can understand why she wouldn’t pull out the big guns for the People’s Choice Awards.

This is outrageous. I cannot get on board with Ariel Winter and the tuxedo as a dress thing. You look like you’re doing the walk of shame.

Honest question has Ginnifer Goodwin ever NOT looked like your frumpy aunt?

I feel like this dress is not the most flattering on Hillary Scott.

She’s certainly got the Kim K hourglass to pull this off but it’s just too much.

WOOF with the super low cut tee Taj Mowry. No need to do nips out for the People.

Best Dressed:

Digging on this sparkly party dress on Sarah Hyland.

Kristen Bell popped out a baby like 2 weeks ago. Damn gurl. Also I’m obsessed with this dress. Fave look of the night.

The classy crop was a trend last night and I was digging it. Love the sparkles and high pony on Olivia Munn.

This is my second fave look of the night. Even though Kaley Cuoco buzzed her head and I hate it, girl is pulling off this cutout dress. Almost makes me want to hit the gym. Almost.

Jesse McCartney repping well dressed men like nobody’s biz.

I think this is the best I’ve seen Iggy dress for an awards show. Still not really in our era, but she makes it work.

Digging on this color on Gabrielle Union.

Last but certainly not least, Chris Evans looking like the hot piece of ass he is. Dressed casj in a sweater and it makes me want to curl up by the fire with him with a glass of wine while he reads me a book. Whoa. That escalated quickly.

Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2014

The VS Fashion Show is the only fashion show that all people of all genders can find mutual interest in watching. The guys watch in hopes that the camera will linger long enough on the model’s ladybits, and the women watch it to judge the models while they shove ice cream in their face and lay in bed wrapped in a snuggie. (Just me? Oh ok.) Regardless, us girls have had a nice treat two years in a row now watching Taylor Swift become an honorary angel and slay the runway. Without further ado, here are the highlights of last night’s installment.

The Show Highlights:

-Within seconds of the first model walking, the camera flashed to Taylor’s reaction backstage and we are all reminded why we are here…to watch Tay react to things. She cheered Behati on, she sang along to Ed’s performance then shouted KILLED IT as he came offstage, she danced with the models waiting to walk..say what you will about Taylor but girl knows what she gets paid the big bucks for and milks it for all its worth. Plus it was a welcome distraction from the bones clacking down the runway in loose corsets.

-In the first segment one of the models (rookie) is forced to wear puffy 80’s sleeves instead of wings and then decides to do an awkward squat booty pop as her runway pose and it is the most unfortunate scene of the night. Too bad they didn’t show Tay’s face after this.

-If we were playing the drinking game called drink every time an angel blows a kiss I would have been dead from alcohol poisoning within the first 5 minutes.

-Taylor performs Blank Space into a 1989 jewel encrusted mic in a pink silky duster, (we learn what Taylor’s Secret is with that xtra pushup bra) furry stripper heels and is forced to tone down the theatrics of her performance a tad so as not to steal the show from the models…she doesn’t and I respect the hell out of it. What I don’t respect, however, is how she keeps trying to interact with the models by awkwardly one hand grasping each one as they stroll by. There should have been a firm no hand clasping policy, except for her BFF Karlie.

-Ed Sheeran performs the phenomenal song “Thinking Out Loud” and we have a horrible contrast of beautiful song and the UGLIEST outfits of the entire show. I’m guessing the theme for this segment was preschool craft corner because it looked like “pinterest fails” threw up on all the models. Noticeably missing: a pan to Ellie Goulding, front row, while Ed was singing to create some ex-lover drama. Really coulda used that, CBS.

Ed cleaning house with the ladies

-Ariana Grande gets assigned the “Pink” segment for baby gurls who like track pants and fuzzy PJ’s. Suuuper Disney. She performs the grand medley of all her hits that she’s been banging out lately and it gets real distracting because she has two over-eager platinum blonde backup dancers who flanked her sides and were wearing spacesuits. She finishes the medley and bats her eyelashes which just ends up looking like she had shit in her eye. Noticeably missing: the moment when she gets nailed in the face by one of the wings that the internet got a preview of, but no one got to see live.

-Hozier performs “Take Me to Church” for the “fairytale” segment and it is quite comical watching the models struggle to bop to this song and interact with Hozier who looks like the dark creepy guy leering from behind a tree in the woods rather than Prince Charming. Hozier is NOT down with the blowing of kisses from every single model, his eyes are firmly shut.

-And our grand finale: the premiere of “Style” by Miss TSwizzle. Karlie & Tay (rumored girlfriends, confirmed besties) enter together like bad bitches in lace holding hands. Karlie is rocking a cape and all they needed was a doberman to have fully recreated the Blank Space music video. It’s clear that the Taylor gets to wear/perform for the best collections because this one is another banger. There is a flawless surprised face mid-song from our girl and then CBS had the NERVE to cut to someone in the crowd yawning during the performance. OFF WITH HER HEAD. And we end the show drooling over Taylor’s legs and forgetting about all the models. What’s that? There was actually a final walk? Whatever.

-The models rush backstage to de-wing and they show a person working backstage lose their eyesight permanently due to a wing porking their retina. How many people do you think wear eye patches post the annual VS Fashion Show? I’m gonna go with over/under 100. Poor unfortunate souls.

The Fluff Pieces that made me Lawl:

-Adriana Lima & Alessandra Ambrosio, the VS vets who kill it every year have some time to talk to us about how they’re both moms of two kids, both have names that start with A, and both have been beautiful forever. Therefore, since they have so much in common, they were crowned with the honor of wearing the fantasy bras-aka the super expensive diamond covered bras? I think? To be honest, I stopped listening once they flashed pictures of them at the age of 15 looking like goddesses and not geeky, weird teenagers who were too into Fallout Boy. Definitely not bitter though.

-We get a rare glimpse into the preparation of the show on behalf of the models, who treat it like a big slumber party. Just kidding, they take it seriously–maybe a little too seriously. One of the pretty faces (they all blurred) tells us sternly, “Getting the right wink or right kiss is so important. It’s everything.” I can relate, girl. They talked more about how modeling is super hard and they’re nervous and I applaud them for being so brave and honest. It takes a lot of courage to….sorry what were we talking about again? Oh right, getting paid millions to blow kisses in lingerie.

-We meet Russell James, VS photographer of 14 years who tells us it’s hard for him to express how lucky, blessed and fortunate he feels. Since he’s having a difficult time expressing, I’ll take a stab at it for him. He gets up every morning, flies to exotic warm beaches and takes pictures of hot women with big boobs in bikinis and lingerie, so like, #blessed. Did I capture it? Also props to Kendall Jenner for weaseling her way into a sneaky appearance in this segment, because the world can’t live without a Kardashian appearance/reference.

-Karlie Kloss, resident ride or die bitch to Taylor Swift gets to show us how she’s also a classy ballerina on the side and this little snoozer of a peek into Karlie’s life explains EXACTLY why those two are as tight as they are, baking cookies and going to barre classes on the weekend.

And this ends our yearly look into the fabulous lives of a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I hope I covered it all–we laughed, we cried, we blew a thousand kisses. Until next year!

Performances before they’re inevitably pulled from Youtube:

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Tag Archives: CBS