Weekend JUice

The MOST important events from the end of last week/this weekend.

1. Solange Knowles gets married to video director Alan Ferguson today and releases a family photo that actually made me shiver. So FIERCE.

Can you imagine being the only asshole in a Knowles family photo who didn’t get the memo that smiles are not welcome? I’m looking at you, left of Beyonce.

Speaking of assholes, let’s see what Solange wore as her “arrival” outfit:

They arrived on white bicycles and she was wearing a jumpsuit. No news of her street fighting Jay in said jumpsuit so it seems it was a happy occasion. If we’re being honest Yonce probably stole the show anyway. Don’t invite a Queen to your wedding and expect her to hide in the shadows. Guarantee she sneezed on Solange’s jumpsuit and the jumpsuit got sickah.

2. James Van Der Beek ran into Joshua Jackson on Saturday and Dawson’s Creek freaks like myself got to indulge in a present day Pacey/Dawson insta. Just a couple of bros from the Creek, rising above their mutual love for Joey.

3. Robert Pattinson did THIS to his hair:

And I puked all over the place. That was a real mess to clean up. Oh how the Cullen has fallen. Seriously clean it up, Rob. He’s also reported to be dating an individual named FKA Twigs. If anyone has any suggestions on even how to pronounce that fake life name please step forward in this very difficult time.

4. S Club 7 reunited for a charity show and gave us all an excuse to piss our pants. Here is their performance:

Immediate thoughts upon watching it: The men of S Club all hit the carbs real hard in the past few years and were looking a little chubs.(Minus Jon, who looks the same) Jo has Kate Gosselin hair, which is fitting because she looked like a mom chaperoning the group. Rachel is still the absolute banger of the club. Hasn’t aged a day, all bets on everyone hating her just because she’s still got it. Although Tina in those sparkle hot pants was a surprising curveball. They collectively pulled the classic, “if we dress like the era we were famous in, no one will remember that we’re middle aged”…but we all remembered. After performing their first banger (S Club Party) they transitioned into another tune (Reach For the Stars) where Jo had to solo and clearly couldn’t hold her own. Whenever a singer is belting for 1 second and has to ask the audience to sing it, it means they need assistance, STAT. Bradley and his ombre hair stepped in to take over. He handled it much better. The coordinated dance spins to Bring It All Back To You were so on point. We were then treated to an electronic dance break that was a liiiittleee on the stiff side. Don’t worry though because they all stuck a pose at the end boy band style and it was the best finale I could’ve asked for. Props to them for making a comeback for charity, and I think I can speak for us all when I say that if ABC Family (Formerly Fox Family) doesn’t start playing re runs of S Club 7 soon I’m going to write a strongly worded letter.

The gang in their heyday.

5. This is last on the list because it’s bullshit news, but Hallmark & Lifetime holiday cheeseball movie season is upon us and I understand that everyone will NEED full recaps of the hundreds that I will consume before Christmas. I’m here to tell you that I will be delivering. If your guilty pleasure is Santa’s elves playing matchmaker and a couple falling in love amidst the smell of gingerbread houses and sharing a first kiss under the mistletoe, I will be posting which ones are the best (by best we all understand that I mean cringeworthy but watchable) so stay tuned for that merry addition to this blog.

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“I’m Coming Home To You”

Welcome back, Nashies. Remember how they promoted the fake CMA’s tirelessly? Yeah we get another week of that apparently…they’re really milking this. Thanks for the tease, ABC. This episode starts out with a 2 months later time stamp. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they did this JUST so they could show an actually IRL (in real life) pregnant Juliette Barnes/Hayden Panettiere and stop assuming their viewers are a bunch of dum dums who think she’s just gained some face weight. On the subject of Juliette, her and Avery have transitioned from hating each other to a bickering dysfunctional couple preparing for a baby. It seems each week we’re going to start with Avery delivering zingers to Juliette and slowly warming up to her by the end of the episode. (Until they’re inevitably back together, just in time for baby’s arrival). This week’s installment started with Juliette reminding Avery that they had sex to make this baby and him replying, “Well all we’re having now is a baby” in front of the super uncomfy doctor. Burn baby burn. But then slowly but surely Avery bought the top of the line crib (this baby will be a superstar after all) and agreed to lamaze classes at the end and–cue cliche baby moment– feels the baby kick. Also the Nashville twitter account took it upon themselves to refer to Nashville’s future Blue Ivy as “Javery’s” baby and I vomited all over the place. WHEN WILL IT END?!

Speaking of puke, in two months time, Gunnar, Zoey and Micah became a little domestic happy family of uncommon names, right down to father and son playing catch in the yard and stepmommy Zoey yelling out that dinner’s ready. We obviously soon learn that Zoey hates being a housewife and is still thirsty for fame, while boyfriend of the year Gunnar doesn’t think she’s mad about it because “she hasn’t complained”. It’s all in the eyes, Gunnar, all in the eyes. Micah’s actual mom wins mom of the year by immediately shoving her son off on Gunnar and Zoey in pursuit of a boyfriend. Let this be a lesson, don’t let your kids get in your way of your dreams. Quick observation: every time Gunnar hugs ANYONE, I expect to see Zoey peering out from around the corner with crazy eyes. These two (now three) have a bright future.

Another bright future coming our way is the new and improved Layla Grant. Apparently in her two month break she put down the mini bottles and decided to channel her anger into some new tunes. The debut of her quiet Bambi-like personality raised a few red flags with me that it was just a scheme but it seemed to hold up and she got out of her own way to write a decent song that everyone, including her closeted husband, was a little too surprised at. Yikes, Layla, even your friends thought you sucked. We got to see a peaceful Will and Layla for about half of the episode until they attend the premiere of their reality show “Love and Country”. Apparently dumb and dumber are the only two young people in America who don’t know how reality shows work. Reality shows are for showing excessive and unnecessary drama for ratings and this one really delivered. If it were a real show I’d totes watch it. Apparently we’re far removed enough from the Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica days to be completely copying it because they made Layla into Jessica Simpson 2.0. For the record, there was a laugh track to her trying to use a can opener (for chicken or tuna?) and I object. I know firsthand how hard can openers are to use, having broken every one I’ve ever touched and almost needing a tetanus shot last year after resorting to a butcher knife. I stand by Layla on this one. SHIT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

You know what else is impossible? Juggling the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and family bonding time. (Feel free to start giving me awards for these smooth transitions). Rayna pouts this episode that decisions are the woooorst as she chooses fame over QT. Dramatic sigh. A nosy reporter follows her around all weekend as she makes wedding plans with Luke and he finally shows some emotion–he’s horny, guys. There are about 4 instances when Luke brings it to our attention that they’ve been apart for a LOOOONGG time. Even an ode to long distance sex when he says Skype just isn’t the same. Finally Rayna gives him the sassy one-finger gesture (…the one moms give to their annoying kids to tell them to wait quietly) and Luke loses his SHIT. Uh, uh honey. He exclaims in the parking lot “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HELD HANDS!!” We get it Luke, you need to bone…stat. They probably would’ve gotten down to biz but they were sidetracked by finding their kids macking it in the dark on the couch, with reporter in tow. EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT, A-LIST INCEST. Calm down guys, Colt defends it, “we were just making out, it’s NBD.” We can clearly see why he’s so irresistible. Maddie’s obv going through a bad boy phase. Rayna sits Maddie down for an incest chat and then has to pimp out her history with Deacon to the Rolling Stone reporter just so that her twat of a daughter isn’t tabloid shamed. All is well with Ruke/Layna at the end as they slow dance and say wedding vows (this is the only time this will ever happen on the show so cherish it.)

Alright let’s wrap it up with the minor story lines of the week. The throwaways, if you will. Deacon had a cold, continued to talk about Rayna and finally kicked ole Pammy to the curb (hopefully for good). Scarlett and homeless friend with the voice of an angel, Terry, wrote music and decided to face their fears together by hitting the stage for a duet at the Bluebird obv. Also we learn that Terry’s whole family is dead, because of course. Bachelor Teddy and his frat bro buddy Jeff Fordham took a week off, probably in Vegas doing coke and banging strippers.

Things to look forward to:

-Deacon probably almost hitting the sauce again and some angry confrontations once that unauthorized tell-all hits the tabs.

-Better songs…this week we had four and they were pretty lackluster. Rayna’s straight up sucked, but she tried to distract by showing everything but nip in a sparkly dress on DWTS. Juliette’s has potential but it’s not fiery like I know she can be, Layla’s was bleh and Scarlett’s duet with Terry I could take or leave. NEED some fresh Scarlett & Gunnar tunes STAT.

-More of Nashville’s “dramatic statement+guitar riff leads to commercial break” formula. Turn it into a drinking game every time this happens, I dare you. I would’ve been hammy sammied if I drank every time it happened in last night’s epi.

-Sage. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s mystery child and I’m guessing Rayna has for the first time too –we need more. What’s Sage’s deal? Does she also make sick beats like her bad boy bro Colt?

-The implosion of Ruke/Layna at the CMA’s next week. *Insert guitar riff*

JUice, Pop Culture, Television

Today’s JUice

Top Headlines of the Day(AKA What I’ve Decided Is Important):

1. Leonardo DiCaprio turned 40 today.

FORTY?! SERIOUSLY?

Regardless since Leo will always be timeless let’s raise a glass to that pretty face. HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD SPORT!

2. Everyone’s favorite hot mess, Jennifer Lawrence is back on the press circuit for The Hunger Games and thus will be dominating the news with her goofy one liners and silly stories. Her news today is that she will never join Twitter and is not into social media.

This is probably in her best interest. Sucks for everyone else though.

3. Mindy Kaling looked FAB at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards last night. This isn’t that big of a headline, but I just made it one, cause she deserves it. BOOYAH. Also if you’re not watching The Mindy Project you should immediately start if you like to laugh and generally enjoy life.

Salvador Perez Original

4. Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy land a reality show on A&E called “Donnie Loves Jenny” set to air in 2015. A&E is also home to Wahlburgers, the show about the whole Wahlberg family and their restaurant biz. (I’ve been trying to weasle my way out to Wahlburgers for some eats and a casj snake into their reality show since I moved to Boston. NBD but HBD.) Anyway, this will probably be a trainwreck. Don’t get me wrong, I could listen to those Dooorchesstahh accents insult each other and say they love their motha all day but I’m only thinking of reality show couple history. RIP Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica. Ok that just brought a tear to my eye to type that. It appears it’s still too soon to dive down that avenue. In summary, yes I will watch, no I will not love it.

5. Kevin Reilly is a name you guys probably don’t recognize. I do because he sucks. He was the former CEO of the Fox network who was just let go recently. One of his last things he did for Fox was cancel my beloved Enlisted. See below. The Kevster was JUST hired at TNT/TBS and the first thing he did there was cancel Franklin & Bash….the ONE show that I watch on either of those networks. Basically, Kevin Reilly hates hot shirtless men and does not want them on TV. And you can quote me on that.

FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS-ENLISTED

Until next time, Mark Paul.

That’s it for Tuesday’s JUice. (See what I did there 😉 )

Music

Step Aside, Selena.

Immediate Reactions to the Blank Space Music Video:

First and foremost, I understand that surprise releases are all the rage now in music ever since Beyonce blew everyone’s minds and snuck a full CD with music videos but I’m super over it. It gives me anxiety when buzzworthy things happen midday and I cannot participate because my cubicle computer is open to all surrounding roaming eyes. My FOMO nightmare came true today and I dealt with it by specifically going home for lunch to watch. Obv this was a really mature and adult decision. It was in the privacy of my own home that I was able to watch the video twice, uninterrupted with no judgsies.

Next let’s address the elephant in the room. Remember how I made a wisecrack about Taylor releasing her CD before Selena’s big dramatic music video, thus upstaging her? Well it seems I can predict the future. Props to Tay for giving Selena the spotlight for a WHOLE weekend before slyly but not at all slyly snaking it back.

I was really anticipating this video (all morning long when that’s all I could think about.) Mostly because this is the number one JAM from 1989. (If you read my review you would already know this. Duhs.) So much sassiness and so much potential for a music video. Taylor straight up delivered on the psycho factor. Couldn’t be weirder. It’s everything I could have ever wanted for this song and more. Here’s the full video for your viewing and reviewing pleasure.

As a film major in college (LOLZ) and a fellow music video director (double LOLZ) I can tell you that in my professional opinion this is top quality stuff. Shot like a film in a mansion fit for a Kennedy (wink) it looked great and so did Tay with her 500 outfit changes. You’re obviously wondering, what looks were her best? Lucky for you I screenshot every outfit of the video just for this very moment. I know, I know, I’m so kind. Let’s do it to it.

BOMB outfits:

STRONG start with Lingerie Tay holding Olivia Benson (for a touch of innocence). Cleavage+Cat=PG13. That is, until Olivia is replaced by a knife for cray cray Tay.

Full lace gown descending a grand staircase. Badass princess moment.

Ballroom dancing in the sparkliest of gowns. Just a regular Friday night for T. This is just what she wears from the gym.

Is this the Oscars or a music video? But seriously.

50’s Tay getting after some champagne and candy.

Taylor brings Jersey Shore to the mansion with dubs leps. Couldn’t love it more.

White Crop combo for her ode to Tiger Woods. Legs.

She borrowed this witchy black number from Lorde.

Cat eye on point.

Little white dress for burning and throwing your boyfriends clothes. Everyone should have one.

Final look. Perfection.

Ehh Outfits:

Not crazy about the dress and hair combo in “stab my boyfriend’s rich person portrait” Taylor

Don’t get me wrong, she’s absolutely pulling.this.off. but it’s a little too much.

This is too normal of a dress for cutting boob holes in your boyf’s shirt. Blah.

Too much old lady. Not enough leopard.

This looks like it would give her a mean wedgie. Also I think Allie wore this in The Notebook.

Weird Moments:

Riding bikes around the living room. You know, cause why exercise in the private gym that is 100% in that mansion when you can ride your Huffy through the parlor.

Walking your two guard dogs with your boyfriend who is also wearing a cape. Real talk: This is my dream. Dogs and men (in capes…just kitten) Also for fear of putting up redundant pictures, this dress makes the best outfit list. Duh.

Standing on a horse. (This is less weird and more so just IMPRESSIVE) Do you think I could get away with trying that next year in downtown Saratoga? One of the cops will totes lend me his horse for Taylor reenactment via Caroline St. right? (This is an EH outfit)

Crying and writhing in the hallway next to a deer. Don’t bring Bambi into your troubles, Crazy Tay. She’s just an innocent forest creature.

This is Twilight. Amirite Twihards?

Halloween is over. Stop trying to give me nightmares.

GET IT, TAY.

Drumroll PLEASE. And the best moment of this video goes to the delivery of the best line of the song. Anyone whose listened to this song and doesn’t giggle every time she says “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” with a haughty laugh is not really enjoying life. Boom.

The ferocious grab of the head and sneering of that lyric in “Sean’s” grill piece was exactly what we all needed. Supes aggress and I didn’t hate it one bit. I’m actually surprised she didn’t follow it up with spitting in his mouth. SUCK IT, SEAN. DON’T MESS. (this outfit was also a BEST but since she was hurling her body around throwing shit at him I couldn’t get a good snap of it. Necklace game so strong.)

Honorable Mention:

This Guy ❤ Yum. Well done, gurl.

Hope you enjoyed reliving all things Blank Space. If you didn’t, pls see below.

Music, Pop Culture

Start your weekend with some DRAMA.

I’m gonna be real straightforward here and come clean. I followed Justin Bieber on Instagram roughly 4 months ago and I hate myself for it. I got caught up in the world’s fascination with Selena and Justin’s tumultuous on and off again relationship and he posted a few scandalous ‘grams and before I knew it I had hit the follow button and never turned back. I figured out of the two of them he would be more likely to make an ass of himself on social media and slip up/create drama that I could then make myself a part of (This goes back to my innate addiction to being the first person to report celeb news…which I refuse to seek treatment for) Anyway, the point of this long and embarrassing confession is that if I didn’t follow Biebs on Insta and see up close what a ridiculous clown he is, I wouldn’t have material for this blog. Selena dropped a music video and single yesterday that is essentially a diary entry about her unhealthy relationship with that punk. In case you haven’t heard/seen it yet here it is:

Girl just out-drama’ed Taylor Swift. The TEARS. The ACTING. Selena pulled out all the stops, just shy of having Biebs in the video instead of a Biebs-esque actor (with questionable facial hair) that she casj mounted for a car hookup. Perhaps she wanted to spark a little jealousy? I’m onto you Selena.

Ok be serious, guys. Let’s get to the real meat of this music video. The beginning voiceover of her stuttering and crying. If this gave you the uncomfies and you skipped over it, don’t you even worry because I’m here to give you the gist of her creepy E True Hollywood story intro to the music video. Basically the Biebs banged a bunch of randoms and made Selena feel like a garbage can. Were those her exact ugly crying words? No. HOWEVER I’m really good at reading between the lines. Trust me. After about 40 seconds of this babble it starts to sound like a drunk voicemail that she left for him. Don’t drink and dial, Sel. Drinking and tweeting is totes fine though. The actual song finally starts 48 seconds in and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I already feel emotionally drained before she even starts singing. The message of the song is that this relationship is Sucktown, USA but she’s in love, so everyone can STFU and stop judging her. The song itself isn’t bad. I kinda dig it…sue me. Like is this MJ Blige or Selena Gomez with those R&B vibez?! Jus sayin. But before you get caught up in the snaps or start to let her tears persuade you to get all emosh. Let’s refresh ourselves on who this song is about:

WHAT a CATCH.

Of course since yesterday’s release she’s already been accosted by people wanting even more juicy deets. Apparently, according to my sources, (the internet…it never lies) Justin saw the video a year ago and said it was beautiful (puke.) and Taylor Swift also got a preview, because duh, and she watched it three times in a row most likely with her surprised face and loved it. Selena probably casually told her, “Yeah I’m thinking about releasing this in November.” Taylor then immediately texted her manager, moving up the release date of 1989 to 2 weeks before Selena’s video. Shake it off, Selena, shake it off.

PS: If these two really are a “modern fairytale” as Selena chokes out in between tears, we are all SCREWED.

Enjoy your weekend 🙂

Country, Music, Television

CMA’s Recap

Awards season dry spell is over, betches. If you’re a country fan and you fully committed to the 3 hour show (I’m going to assume not many of you) you can relive the highs and lows of last night right meow. If you missed the awards, you can skim through this and have something to discuss over your cubicle wall today. (Or if you’re me, cubicle window. Yeah guys, I get a cube window. BE JELLY.)

The opening performances went from blah to better. Kenny Chesney was first with a performance straight out of 1968. I’m shocked a hologram of Jimi Hendrix didn’t appear next to him to further the gimmick. It would’ve been nice if I had gotten the memo to drop acid before he took the stage, kinda rude don’t you think, ABC? I couldn’t even tell you what song Kenny played because I was just too distracted. The country hats and cowboy boots amidst the tie dye and school bus were a liiiiiitttle out of place. No worries though, quick rebound by transferring to Miranda Lambert and Megan Trainor doing a country version of All About That Bass. Great duet but the main takeaway here was that Miranda came in HOT trying to give Carrie a run for her money in the leg game. She challenged Carrie to defend the title. AND OF COURSE Carrie did. The great Leg-off of 2014 (see below). Okay I promise you that even though I sat through every single minute of this mostly snoozefest of a show, I will not give you a minute by minute recap. Here’s the breakdown–

Best Moments:

-Carrie’s outfit changes. Edge of my seat waiting to see what was next.

-The elephant in the room. Carrie & Brad address T. Swift in their opening monologue stating that Nashville is suffering from “Postpartum Taylor Swift Disorder”. Laughs are had at the expense of Nashville being thirsty Swifties. Our girl T may not have been country for a few years but it warmed my icy heart to see that no matter what country music has her back.

-Steven Tyler is the first presenter & has a jam sesh with Carrie and Brad to “Crying”. It was staged but still pretty great. Also Steven was wearing shoes and I think we can all appreciate that. (If you want nightmares google image search Steven Tyler’s feet)

-Brett Eldredge wins New Artist of the Year and I listened to his acceptance speech with my eyes glued to the TV and a creepy grin on my face. He 100% deserves it and I’m proud of my future husband for snagging that award.

-Brad spends a few minutes of his hosting duty eating cheeseballs out of a baby carrier. Brought me back to the days of housing a full tub of cheezeballz guilt free. Ahh, college.

-Keith Urban performs “Somewhere in My Car”. He’s the stuff and so is that song.

-Little Big Town performs Day Drinking and then Ariana “Bang Bang” Grande sashays onto the stage and they all sing her song with light up dresses. Judging this against the other performances it was great, because I stayed awake for it, but I would’ve preferred them trying to mix country and pop rather than sing a country song and then a pop song. It was odd.

-Miranda debuts a sassy new bob that kills it and her and Blake proceed to snatch up all the awards with an effortless “it’s almost as if we don’t do this every year” vibe.

-The Doobie Brothers take the stage with Hillary Scott, Jennifer Nettles & Hunter Hayes and play some good ole classic rock. Jennifer Nettles spends the entire performance with her mouth open and literally can’t find her chill. Hunter Hayes was on guitar and was just grateful to be able to play with the big kids.

-Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year and we get to look at his pretty face more. Note: no hip movement whatsoever (see worst moments list)

Worst Moments:

-Is there anything worse than networks throwing two random people together to present an award and then writing compliments for them to read from the teleprompter to each other? It’s awkward and gives everyone the uncomfies. Stop doing it.

-Taylor gets a best and worst spot because she was actually nominated for female vocalist of the year and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE. Girl, they just declared their support for you and you big-timed them? If we’re being honest I’m probably more bitter about her not showing up because her awkward crowd dancing & dramatic reactions were SORELY missed. NO ONE owns an awards show crowd like Tay.

-Florida Georgia Line wins Vocal Duo of the Year and mullet sneaks that G-D DISGUSTING VEST back in. Hey bro, it is NEVER sexy to wear a vest with no shirt underneath. If you also browsed my fashion recap you’ll see that I put FGL on the best dressed list JUST because they both put actual shirts on. Well GUESS WHAT, you two clowns are officially revoked from my best dressed list. Boom. Roasted.

-Kacey Musgraves and her goofy outfits/hair and her honky tonk barn music.

-Little Big Town winning Vocal Group of the Year and all shouting random things at once as an acceptance speech. Mic etiquette, guys, ever heard of it? Designate ONE speaker.

-Luke Bryan performs a slow song and DOES NOT shake it for me. This should be illegal. Every girl in America was disappointed Luke, just so you know.

Just For Ratings:

-Ebola.

-Renee Zellweger

-Carrie Underwood whispering the gender of her baby to Brad Paisley, setting him up to “let it slip”, and then mentioning it every five minutes. THE PAGEANTRY. THE RATINGS. It’s a BOOYYYY.

-The amount of almost vag slips. Ariana Grande wearing her typical bra and mini skirt, Kacey Musgraves cutting it too close for comfort and Ashley Monroe performing with Blake in a sequin tee, no pants. We don’t need to see it to know it’s there, girlz.

-ABC doing their best to confuse you about which CMA’s are real. The ones you’re literally watching, or the ones they’re teasing every commercial break in the Nashville promo for next week. DOES THIS MEAN RUKE/LAYNA AREN’T REALLY NOMINATED? Please advise.

If you noticed that I didn’t include many performances in my recap it’s because most of them were suuuuuper snoozeworthy. Let’s step it up next time, gang, look alive…give me a reason to stay up past my bedtime. Aaaand that’s all–go forth and spread the country music word, my friends.

Country, Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA’s Fashion, Ya’ll!

Here’s the CMA’s post where we judge people based on what they chose to wear. If you want to judge people based on what they chose to sing, please see my second installment-the recap. Here’s the deal. I got a fevah and the only prescription is more awards shows. Once I get a taste I need it to be awards season STAT. Since this is the first of 100 country music awards shows this year (all of them having strikingly similar names), country singers will have plenty of chances for redemption if they made my worst dressed list. They’ll obviously be reading this and taking my opinions into account when picking their next show outfit.

Here are the Worst Dressed:

Hillary from Lady A. What’s the deal with the V neck suspender sitch? No other words to describe that.

Gretchen Wilson staying true to her 2004 (TWO THOUSAND FOUR, DAMN) song “Redneck Woman”.

All that’s missing is a red solo cup of Fleischmann’s. Keep it classy, gurl.

Real Talk: has Hunter EVER not looked like a 15 year old sneaking into prom?

Kacey Musgraves with Elvira hair. Nuff said. Also on the right: flashback to her craft fair boots & dress combo from Grammy’s.

People don’t forget.

Sam Hunt is the newcomer hottie to the country scene. I wish he wouldn’t have ruined that with this mariachi/pirate shirt.

Scarlett from Nashville aka Clare Bowen probably let her new homeless friend with the voice of an angel dress her.

Zoey from Nashville aka Chaley Rose trying to steal the spotlight as always. Less is more.

Ugh.

The gr8 news is there are more best dressed than worst dressed, so I’m actually T-ing down the judgements. Here’s all the singers who got it right.

Best dressed:

This is a worst/best combo if we’re being honest. Brantley is probably wearing a jewel encrusted affliction tee under that blazer. Brett OBVIOUSLY steals the show wearing a classy suit and accessorizing with his pure sexiness. It’s no caveman toga, but whatevs.

Carrie never disappoints. This one actually isn’t my favorite but she’ll have probably 100 outfit changes as host and I assume most of them will be top notch. Also, legs.

Cassadee Pope looking elegant and classy

RAYNA JAMES. TAMI TAYLOR. CONNIE BRITTON.

I mean seriously. With her hair she could wear a trash bag and win all the awards. Bow down, bitches.

They only made the best dressed because long hair (still don’t know his name) isn’t wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath. He’s done that far too many times and I’ve had to choke back vomit.

Jana Kramer always looks gorgeous. Now if only she would stop ending every social media post with #love to shamelessly promote her latest single. That’s all I want for Christmas.

Josh Turner proving you don’t need a cowboy hat or sparkly vest/belt at the CMA’s. Yum.

Kimberly from The Band Perry. Simple and not being overshadowed by her brothers’ afros.

What I imagine Taylor Swift would’ve worn if she was still country (sigh)

You know, cause she’s got that red lip classic thing that Harry likes. JK-Lucy looks fab though.

Hey Nicole Kidman. THIS is how you wear lace. Maddie & Tae lookin’ like a couple of dimes.

Miranda going classic. If we’re being honest I preferred her performance dress, but the red carpet hair/makeup looks fresh.

Queen and King of country.

SWOOOONNN. Okay now please put on your black v neck and backwards hat and shake it.

That’s it for the red carpet roundup. Which one was your favorite look? Are you too busy drooling over those Southern men? Are you a guy and puking from that last statement? STAY TUNED FOR FULL SHOW RECAP. CAUSE WHY NOT?!

Pop Culture

Halloween-Hollywood Style

Love or hate Halloween, don’t tell me you’re not on the edge of your seat every year waiting to see what celeb thinks they can get away with blackface. Just me? Whatevs, here’s a random collection of celeb Halloween costumes from this year worst to best:

PS: Celebs having a full team for hair, makeup & wardrobe and mailing it in for Halloween is TOTES BS by the way.

In case you were ever wondering what Halloween is to Nicki, it’s literally just like every other day. Please T it down.

She’s 17.

Katy Perry as a cheeto. Crunchy nonetheless. I gotta go get my Chex Mix costume ready for next year. Bai.

Kim is really tame now, guys, cause I don’t know if you’ve heard, but SHE’S A MOM.

Payment for snagging a Vogue cover this year orrrr just kissing major ass?

Ellen vs. Meredith. Battle of Daytime TV Hosts. THE DRAMA IS SO REAL.

A Cinderella Story flashbacks. Do you think anyone could recognize her? (IT’S HILARY DUFF, GUYS)

1. Shocked she’s not naked. 2. RiRi COMMITTED with the green paint.

Goldie Hawn & Kate Hudson dressed like hoes at the bar. #motherdaughterbonding

Gisele & Tom Brady. Actual question, how can they see?

That caption though.

WHERE IS THE REST OF N*SYNC?!

Yes MJ Blue Ivy, yes. The first time I’ve ever disregarded Beyonce in a picture.

We all know how I feel about kids but North West and Penelope Disick as skunks is adorbsies.

Neil Patrick Harris & fam never disappoint.

Ed Sheeran. This is spot on.

Iggy Azalea as herself.

The Today Show as SNL characters was great, especially since no one had to see Matt Lauer’s junk in women’s clothes.

If you didn’t laugh at this picture I don’t think we can be friends.

We get it Heidi Klum, you win Halloween every year. Do less.

Now wasn’t that better than going through your Facebook feed and mourning the loss of college Halloweekend slop city and/or looking at 1 million baby’s first halloween pictures?

Concert, Country, Music

Falling In Love to the Beat of Brett’s Music: A Concert Review

This one is for my fellow country fans. I went to the Brett Eldredge concert last night and if you follow me on Twitter you saw my aggress live tweeting. It was quite the event. It was Boston’s country radio station’s “Wicked Awesome Monstah Bash”. If you cringed at that name, you certainly wouldn’t have handled the live costume contest that took place on stage halfway through the night. I still have PTSD from it. (People committed HARD to the costume thing.)

The opening act was The Brothers Osborne, who unfortunately due to their country drawls and their tendency to hold the mic too close to their mouths, I didn’t know their name until the end of the concert, when Brett announced it in proper English. Brother 1 entered the stage wearing a blonde curly wig, flower dress, and cowboy boots. Brother 2 was wearing black skinny jeans, an open v shirt just shy of showing nip, a lace short sleeve cardigan, and a long black hair wig. Are these Halloween costumes or were they just trying to tell everyone something? After about half of their set I finally pieced together enough words to figure out that they were dressing up as Little Big Town. Not sure about the execution of that, what I am sure of is that I saw a whole lot of white hairy man thigh that I can’t unsee. On the music review side of things, they were great. Dark hair, nips out brother had an awesome voice and they had more of a rock country sound. Here are a couple of their songs, although their current radio single, “Rum”, wasn’t my favorite.

After cross-dressing Little Big Town finished their set, we had the joy of seeing a bunch of Boston’s radio personalities in costume, stumble awkwardly through a costume contest. During this mess on stage, my friend and I were treated with a hot mess next to us, enjoying her first very real blackout. Standing up against the balcony railing, Drunky McDrunkerson was behind me and felt the need to express her love of life and bottom shelf vodka by screeching in my ear and grinding on me during both performances. I wasn’t into it. When she took a bathroom break and told me to hold her spot, her friend turned to me and goes so what school do you guys go to? I guess I hadn’t realized that we were surrounded by 19 year olds until we turned to the people on our right to make fun of slob kebab and they also inquired about our school. Is it normal when you’re in college to also assume everyone around you is in college or is that a more recent thing? Telling someone that I’m an adult has never been more ironic. The girl asked how old we were and then goes oh, that’s not THAT old. Thanks girl, I was pretty worried that I was nearing a senior citizen discount. At that point my new friend who was trying to round the bases with me via her dancing returned and gave us all the opportunity to take bets on when she would drop her phone over the balcony. Sadly we all lost, although it was touch and go for a minute with her seaweed arms and light grip of the iphone.

FINALLY the main event: Brett and his baby blues arrived onstage in a PG13 Bam Bam costume. I feared another cross dressing incident so this was a welcome surprise. His guitarist took on that role wearing a full, open back gown and wig with tiara. Imagine Seth Rogen dressed as a teenage girl for Jimmy Fallon’s “Ew” skit and that is essentially what we had on our hands. Men having a full beard and dressing like a woman is always an interesting thing. It was okay though, because my eyes stayed on Brett in the event that the toga gave way. Having only one CD, Brett played most of it and of course covered his three singles. Beat of the Music was probably the highlight, but if we’re being honest he performed the shit out of every song. He threw in a few new songs too, which is every concertgoers’ nightmare, but it was okay because Brett was energetic onstage and they were upbeat jams, fun to dance to (or drop it low as my drunk new friend did…on me.) At one point in the night he announced how having one boob out was making him uncomfortable and he kept trying to cover it up. We all told him to please stop covering it up. He listened. Brett knows how to work the ladies and made every panty drop when he serenaded us with “Mean to Me” after declaring that he wanted to dedicate this to a Boston girl. He obviously meant me. (Even though I’m a NY girl, let’s not get hung up on technicalities, people.) Brett closed the night with an Encore medley that was impressive to say the least. Covering every genre and showing off his pipes he did a few country hits, “Your Body Is A Wonderland” by JayMay (underwear slushy), Roxanne & he had also covered “Night Moves” earlier in the show. Overall it was a great concert and I would definitely recommend even casual fans seeing him live. We danced, we sang, and we got to see a couple wearing lobsters on their heads groove to country music. Win, win.

Here’s a National Geographic quality picture that I took of the Brettster:

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap- “Nobody Said It Was Going to Be Easy”

If any of you still watch Nashville despite the bad story lines, hoping for a glimpse of good music, you’re in luck because I’ve decided to start recapping it weekly so that we can all laugh at it’s silliness together. If you haven’t seen the latest episode, or you’re planning on binge watching Nashville when it inevitably gets cancelled and shuffled to Netflix, all recaps WILL contain spoilers. Can we really call them spoilers if we already predicted they would happen though?

This week’s episode started off showing the rushing of a secretly pregnant Juliette to the hospital. As a quick side note, I’d like you to name ONE show with a pregnant character that doesn’t have the “You could lose the baby” moment. Answer: there are none. In fact there are some shows (I’m looking at you, One Tree Hill) that give every single pregnant character a miscarriage scare. Let’s maybe T it down with the almost killing babies for ratings, network TV. Anyway we later find out that Juliette has a complicated *but only because she’s a touring country superstar* rare blood disease. Naturally everything will be smooth sailing as long as she stops bopping around stage every night. Who would’ve thought?

After all that baby mama drama, we get to the real meat of the show, the CMA’s. This is Nashville, you know. Rayna sits down to watch the noms with her new bestie Sadie Stone. Has anyone else noticed that Rayna turns into a sorority girl when she’s with Sadie? Chill, girl, it’s unbecoming of Nashville’s number 1 star, and a mom of teenagers to have a case of the giggles around Sadie. Obviously Rayna and Luke get the most noms, Rayna’s mock surprise face deserves all of the Oscars. Also props to the writers for throwing in a nom for Taylor Swift two days after she released her first pop album, probably time to let that go. This sparks a little friendly competition between Ruke/Layna/Who Cares because they will obviously not get married. This also sparks some of the thirstiest cross promotion I have ever seen in a show. Were we watching Nashville or Good Morning America…or Dancing with the Stars? We get it ABC, you need more young viewers, please be less aggress about it. Speaking of cross promotion, Sara Evans makes a cameo on Luke’s stage and Luke is demoted to a backup singer. I was ALL for this. The song was great and helped erase my traumatic flashbacks to Luke’s TERRIBLE hillbilly serenade to Rayna a couple weeks ago. First great performance of the night.

The second great performance of the night was Deacon’s. After blondie backup singer (I’m not bothering to learn her name because she’ll be gone soon enough) got sassy with him and asked him to stop being country music’s Oscar the Grouch, he responded by turning a fancy party into a campfire sing-along. I loved the song and it was great to see Deacon end his surly teen phase that he undoubtedly picked up from Maddie. I could’ve absolutely done without blondie backup singer joining in trying to be the next Rayna inspiration. Here’s to hoping Deacon stops slumming it soon and actually gets a storyline besides longing for Rayna.

Speaking of characters with no story lines, let’s talk about Teddy for a second, shall we? Jeff Fordham’s protégé, if you will. Now that Teddy has added a little gel to his hair, he thinks he’s smooth. Bachelor Teddy, as I will call him from now on, should probably learn that chatting up escorts about his daughters is the opposite of smooth. Bachelor Teddy went from trying to be smooth to just giving me all the uncomfies when he made out with the escort poolside and then ended the night exchanging frat bro handshakes with Jeff. Thankfully the call from the cops about Maddie’s rager put a stop to this creepy bromance…for now. No update needed for Maddie, as she is still an insufferable teenager of celebrity parents.

And lastly, there’s Gunnar and the discovery that he’s now a father. REALLY preying on Zoey’s insecurities here aren’t we? Cut to shocked Zoey walking in on a family hug. Zoey and Gunnar are on the rocks because Zoey spies on him constantly so obviously let’s give him a secret child. Fist bump, Nashville writers. Things are about to get real emosh. with Gunnar bringing up his dead brother every 4 seconds, so let’s all mentally prepare for that impending breakdown.

Welp that pretty much sums it up, folks. Oh wait; Scarlett came back to Nashville to befriend a homeless man. Also Will & Layla are in the exact same place they were 6 episodes ago. Okay, that’s REALLY it now. Buckle down for a Nashville-free week coming up. Use your free time to imagine which character Rayna & Teddy’s new nanny will bang. My money’s on a Bachelor Teddy/Nanny tryst.

The Salty Ju

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