THE FINALE HAS ARRIVED. What could possibly upstage a season full of aggress and exhausting bitches fighting? A party with creepy magicians and even more fighting, duh. Adrienne “I now do magic” Maloof throws a party that no one remembers, or no one wants to remember, either way it sucks but we’ll get to that later. First we must tie things up in the desert with a pretty bow so that everyone can pretend Kim and Kyle are the two best sisters that anyone has ever seen. Kyle makes Kim breakfast, which is shocking because she’s the baaaaby and the baby never has to do anything. (Suddenly I understand Kyle more than I ever have before.) And Kyle says that the reason everything has been swept under the rug for all of these years is because their mom always taught her girls not to air their dirty laundry in public. Do you think Kyle and Kim know what reality television even is? I think we’re past the airing of dirty laundry and onto the throwing their dirty laundry in everyone’s faces and telling them to sniff it or else.

After the sisters reunion that unfortunately did not end in the burying of Kim Richards in the desert, we’re treated to a sashay into Rinna’s supposedly normal life. She tells her teenage girls that it’s time to say goodbye to their childhood swing set. She brings them out back to take it down AKA watch Ricardo the groundskeeper take it down while they drank sparkling cider and celebrated never having to work a day in their lives. They’re not giving the perfectly functional swing set away, they’re literally throwing it in the trash. Cause that’s what rich people do. It keeps them grounded.

Speaking of being down to earth, Nicky Hilton is now an author, guys. It’s a book about fashion so let’s not get out of control here, I’m assuming it’s a picture book that she signed her name to and cashed in on. This is how we know we’re watching the finale, because they brought in the big guns, The Hilton family. Kyle, never one to let her more famous sister/nieces snag the spotlight hosts the book signing at her clothing store and says, “Nicky is always on fleek.” STOP TRYING SO HARD, KYLE. You’re an embarrassment to Nicky and Paris, which is saying a lot since their fame was circa 2001 for having sex and going to clubs. Speaking of A Night in Paris, the little amateur filmmaker arrives late and says hello to everyone and dasss it. No seriously…her air kisses and 1 minute of screen time were probably handsomely compensated from Bravo too. I hate America sometimes.

The night of Adrienne’s party that no one knows anything about is then upon us and on the limo ride there, Vincent the former child star and tennis pro brags to Yolanda about how he grew up next to the Jackson Five and Yo is like oh yeah, well I dated Julio Iglesias! At the party there are several weird masked performers and servers plucked straight from my nightmares and several of the women mention that Adrienne is nowhere to be found, but none of them seem all that bothered by it. It’s more of a comment that’s supposed to be made, kind of like “you look skinny” or “this Valium isn’t strong enough.” Since no one knows what this party is promoting but they know it must be promoting something, Lisa brings back the Maloof’s Hooves joke basically because she can and because Adrienne won’t be at the reunion to cry about it. Point, Lisa.

Camille is at the party and clearly didn’t get the memo that it’s against housewives code to look better than Yolanda because she’s wearing a spicy crop top and skirt coordinate and looks FIERCE. She uses her midsection to catch the attention of a Prince whose visiting Mauricio’s scary looking mother. It starts out cute and flirtatious and I’m all GO, CAMILLE…UPGRADE! And then I suddenly don’t ship it so hard when he starts making out with her in front of everyone and I remember this woman is past the BOMO stage of her life by like 20 years.

And then it’s FIGHTIN time, obviously. Lisa approaches Brandi to talk about THE SLAP and Brandi basically has a stage 10 meltdown and screams about her dad dying and being the best person in the world, grabs Lisa’s wrists tells her to go ahead and slap her back and then storms away. So that went swimmingly. Kim sits down at a table full of people who hate her and finds it to be an ideal time to address Rinna about what Kyle said that Rinna said that Brandi said. THIS IS A REAL SENTENCE THAT WAS STATED. It’s beyond me how these women don’t realize how stupid they sound, but I digress. Rinna, having quite vivid flashbacks to the last time she tried to have a convo with Kim in regards to sobriety, is obviously scared shitless and decides to be like everything you say is correct, Kim, you are the apple of my eye and a beautiful, fair princess. This pezzes Kyle off because she tried to start shit and it backfired so she teams up with Eileen to bully Rinna into telling Kim what was said. While all of this is happening, another magician appears onstage for a drawn out trick and out from behind the curtain pops Adrienne “I’m trying to get a Vegas act” Maloof in a black jumpsuit with a tacky sparkle bow. Not one person notices.

After Kim tells Rinna to go away and never talk to her again because she’s a liar, she goes straight to Brandi to confirm what was said. Brandi says she’s never once uttered the word intervention AS they play a clip of her saying the word intervention. Smooth. They make up and Rinna comes over at the tail end to say glad we got that solved, guys–let’s have a group hug. Kyle also tries to jump on that train and Brandi shouts TRAINS LEAVIN, GET OUTTA HERE. And so the beef continues…to be solved at the reunion? Probably not.

In conclusion, the housewives all get freeze frames and a few sentences to wrap up where they are now as if this is an enlightening documentary that we’re intrigued to follow up on, and not a television show about rich women who continue their fights on twitter for all to keep abreast on while they’re not filming. I’ll sum the closing remarks up as best as I can…

Yolanda: Has fabulous successful model daughters and looks glam in a hospital bed.

Rinna: Continues to take bullshit roles on TV and still thinks her husband banged the dog.

Eileen: Still has that EMMY and is back doing dubs soap operas.

Lisa: Hates Brandi and wants grandkids.

Kim: Monty’s nurse 4 lyfe.

Kyle: Hates Kim’s stinkin guts and hasn’t talked to her since her daughter got bit by Kim’s dog.

Brandi: Still has a dad, still has no friends.

Extra Thoughts:

-The Kim/Monty saga is weird, right? Like I get that we’re trying to be respectful of a dying man but they’ve flaunted it on TV and now I feel like something needs to be said. Monty is described as like basically withering away but if there’s a black tie event, HE’S THERE. Even JR was like yeah I was just drinking with him, what a party animal! Also apparently Kim and Monty are BFF’s who kiss on the lips. Get it, Monty!

-Does Brandi have a rule that whenever she goes to a party, she must wear something that barely covers her nipples and she has to tug at and hold all night? Girl is just full of good ideas.

-Adrienne humble bragging about her foray into the magic world and Kathy Hilton dropping her down a peg or 100 with “Oh, you do magic now?” wins best moment of the night BY FAR. Once again, Kathy Hilton wins my heart. Although I would never want Kathy to stoop to Housewives level of thirsty fame, I can only pray that she makes as many cameos next season as she did this one.

Hallo, (that’s Dutch for Hello) because you guessed it, we’re STILL in Amsterdam and I’m STILL uncomfortable. Hasn’t this country been through enough? Haven’t I been through enough? Apparently not, because this week’s episode paired a gentleman my age (23) with Brandi Glanville and I’ve officially lost all hope with men. Yep, Brandi (42 years old) is hanging and banging with one of Max Vanderpump’s school buddies. It’s one thing to do this in the privacy of your rented home, but to film your sloppy date and give everyone else the cringes is a whole different ball game. Girl clearly has no problem with it though, or coming off as a thirsty middle aged woman because she gets slob kebab drunk with this Amsterman (can we call him a man yet?), describes him as a “beautiful cock” (WEE-OOOWW WEEE-OWWWW here come the Uncomfortable Police) and then asks for tongue kisses at dinner (insert monkey covering mouth full of puke emoji.) AHH, MY EYES. Also, not to distract from the real problem at hand THE SLAP, Lisa obviously still hates Brandi and wouldn’t accept flowers from her…and I’m guessing isn’t in LOVE with the fact that she’s now at penetration station with someone Lisa used to serve sliced apples and PB to after school.

Speaking of everyone who hates Brandi, the ladies go to dinner while Brandi is on the precursor to a Lifetime movie date, and squeal like little piggies with delight that she won’t be joining them. They prove how grateful they are that she’s not there by then spending the majority of their dinner talking shit about her. This is how women celebrate. Duh. Then the conversation naturally transitions to live sex shows and ladies shooting objects out of their coochies. Don’t eva change, housewives. Yo also reminds us that she’s a flawless human being when she goes to tell a story and not so casually name drops that she used to date Julio Iglesias. Although I’m sure that this man was a spicy hunk taco when he was younger, my sources (the Google) says this is what he looks like now and no offense Yo, we probably could’ve gone without that very pointed toss of a name. Even Windmill guy looks better than this ole leather bags.

Not a minute too soon, the ladies all return to their diamond caves of Beverly Hills to rehash the trip from hell to anyone who will listen (each other.) Yolanda goes to watch Brandi get a facial and ask her why she’s gotta be such a dick all the time. Brandi cries a lot. Adrienne “Parched for Fame” Maloof is back for her monthly paycheck and apparently she’s friends with Kim. Who knew? Kim retells the night of wine glass slamming to Adrienne, with the help of flashbacks (as if we could ever forget) and artfully glosses over the fact that she acted like a real psycho that night. Adrienne is sympathetic and comforting, hm I wonder why…Meanwhile, Rinna and Kyle talk about how they still have Amsterdam PTSD that keeps them up and night and upping their dosages of Xanax for fear of Kim’s triumphant revenge. Nothing new here, except for the fact that Rinna narc’s on Brandi suggesting an intervention for Kim. Kyle’s eyes get a glimmer as she sticks that juicy tidbit into her cleavage for later.

Later comes sooner than expected when Kyle invites Kim out to the desert to kill her and bury her body underneath the house she stole from Kim. Ah, sisters. Kyle muses on her limo ride up, “I have a love affair with the desert.” I picture an actual affair with a cactus, that is until I see the sprawling mansion with massive infinity pool in the backyard. I too, have a love affair with the desert. The ladies exchange pleasantries about the house that Kyle has basically never been to in the three years she’s owned it, go figure, and reminisce about their childhood days frolicking around a different mansion in a hotter climate. This is all good and well, but for me, Kim really missed an opportunity here to take one look at Kyle’s maxi dress with actual flames printed on it and make a desert forest fire joke about it. As in, that dress should be ablaze in a forest fire rather than on your bodice. But whatever. The sisters Richards (sans Kathy, sigh.) hash out their 50 years of conflict and suppressed anger, starting with the recent Poker Party, Choke slam fight, and then quickly hopping all the way back to the stolen house. No seriously, the YOU STOLE MY HOUSE fight is still happening. Kyle slips that insider info out of her pushup bra that Brandi has been floating around a Kim intervention. Kim finally has enough and flips the bipolar switch, shouting YOU’RE LYING, amping up the crazy eyes and jabbing that finger of hers. This comes to a brief intermission because the burgers that no one saw Kyle put on the grill because she most certainly has a chef in the desert, are burning. Kyle cries over the burgers or Kim or whatever and Kim gives her a hug and says she loves her. Hugsies and tearsies in the desert and we’ve efficiently swept the sisters Richards heaping pile of shit under the Turkish rug. Next week is the season finale, at Adrienne “I want to be known as a party planner” Maloof’s soiree with magicians and our final round of public smackdowns, before the two-part reunion, OBV.