We’ve gathered everyone in a room without alcohol, but then we added in a saaasssssyyy Andy Cohen, so it pretty much equals out again as a recipe for disaster. Let’s begin part 1 of 3 whole hours of rehashing fights we’ve seen 19 episodes of this season, shall we? I’m just going to go ahead and break it down by feud to keep things succinct if you don’t mind.

Kyle vs. Kim

This battle reignites when Andy asks if Brandi and Kim are still in touch and Kim replies YES and Kyle replies with a MEAN side eye. It suddenly comes tumbling out that Kim and Kyle have not resolved their differences and also casj haven’t spoken in three months. “We have a few things to work on,” Kim tells everyone in America as if she’s breezily saying she loves turtles, YEAH WE GOT THAT, KIM. Kim’s like REALLY happy not talking to Kyle though and Andy gives her the best WTF face I think I’ve ever seen. Kyle says when they do finally speak she only wants to have honest conversations. There’s obviously a lot going on here that will probably come to a head in part two or three when we address Kim’s dog going apeshit on Kyle’s child. My only concern was WHERE WAS KATHY when this happened? I’m guessing she wasn’t present because if she was, it wouldn’t have gone down.

Yolanda vs. Lyme Disease

My main squeeze Yo-Yo has relapsed with the Lyme again and she’s clearly struggling, she gets emosh talking about it and then talks about her South Korean treatments and taking it day by day and says she won’t be able to stay very long because her brain is very jumbled at the moment. I’m not actually making fun of any of this because she’s clearly not doing so hot and also she’s a classy broad full of wisdom and not Chardonnay. Plus she managed to get out of the rest of the reunion, and that act in itself deserves a bow.

A holy montage of Yo playing peace maker all season long is then shown. She says she lives life with an open heart and no judgments… and great clothes, obviously. When everyone wants to know why she keeps defending Brandi, Yo gives us a nice little nugget when she says, “I think it’s easy for all of us to just kick her to the curb like a bag of trash.” TRUTH. But she still stands by her and says she needs love and support. Kim jumps in to tell everyone that she forgave Brandi, so it’s possible. Thanks, Kim, pls return to your coma now. The convo spins back around to Bella’s DUI because when you’re on a TV show and you get a DUI, people don’t forget, Bellz. A viewer calls Yo out for punishing her by setting her up in a deluxe apt in NYC and Yo responds, “I don’t think her carrying her furniture on her back is going to teach her not to drink and drive.” PREACH. Finally Yo wants to retire to bed because she’s taken enough shrill yelling for the rest of her life, and she sums up this season in a way that I would never ever ever in a million years think but Yo is Queen and so she gets away with it. She says everyone meshed together and the dream team lives on…“Life is very lonely, we all need a team, we all need to look out for each other.” And with that, she retired to her California King to slip on a white lace nightgown and dream of peacefully living in a windmill with her cute but forgotten former lover.

Rinna vs. Kim (The Battle of the Thirsty Has-Beens)

Rinna is asked by a viewer how much she made for the Depends ad because she had previously claimed it was the most she’s ever made on any appearance. She wouldn’t disclose but said it was more than 6 figures. This seems like a good time for Kim to come to, stand up and exaggerate a Depends dance to make fun of Rinna then declare that she does NOT do anything for a buck and has a little more pride than Rinna. And God Bless Andy, whose quick to point out that Kim did Diving with the Stars. This is why we keep Andy around, Kim immediately clamps her babbling mouth shut. Rinna chimes in that she actually did turn down Diving with the Stars. Point: Rinna. There’s some nonsense about Rinna being anorexic, apparently she lost 6 lbs or something from stress and Brandi says she’s never seen her eat but would NEVER call her anorexic from that, trying to make an argument that the ladies shouldn’t call her an alcoholic just because she drinks around them. This would be Point: Brandi except that Rinna says Brandi actually called her an anorexic old hag in a text. Sooo that pretty much dissolves your argument, Brandi ya big bitch.

Brandi vs. The World

Speaking of drinking, let’s touch upon when everyone rehashed that Brandi is a mean, sloppy drunk and she defended herself by saying that she only drinks when she’s around them, to tolerate them of course. Eileen is like hey home girl, doesn’t matter why you drink but every time I’m around you, you have the slursies and the meansies. Brandi claims it depends on the company and if she’s happily drunk she’ll give out lap dances. I’m kind of glad we never got to see that on the show, because watching Kyle do splits every time she gets drunk is just about enough for me to see ever.

Finally…Lisa vs. Brandi

What starts out as the continuance of THE SLAP (eeeeeeenoughhhhhh) spirals into Brandi claiming that Kyle spread stories about Lisa banging her trainer and being poor or something. Brandi and Kyle then spent about 5 minutes screaming at each other and dropping F bombs. It was pretty pleasant. ALMOST as pleasant as hearing the deets of Brandi’s penetration station with AmsterBABY. Lisa’s choking back vomit as she tells us she’s known this kid since he was 7 and she’d prefer not to know about his cougar trysts. The only comic relief in this stupid fight is Brandi and Andy bonding over the fact that they’ve both banged 23 year olds. Three cheers for the loose gooses! Anyway, there’s more analysis of the SLAP, everyone weighs in on it like this is a trial and they’re the jury deciding if it’s ok to drink and slap, FTR, it’s a unanimous NO and Andy tries to defend his fellow cougar Brandi by comparing the slap to playing with your dog and your dog bites you. (Kind of a touchy subject, Andy, no?) B does NOT like this comparison. She loses her chill, says a big F U to Andy and says she’s done taking shit from everyone. Clearly all the ladies need to be hooked up to their mid-afternoon wine IV or take their scheduled Valium or whatevs, cause bitches be gettin cranky. In conclusion, Brandi thinks Lisa is beating the slap to death, clearly doesn’t know what this whole season has been like for all of us, cause the slap has been beaten, buried, and its ashes have been dug up to beat again. Lisa says she didn’t make a big deal about it. Ok, Lisa. The future of these ladies is to never ever speak again and also maybe blackmail each other because Hood Brandi comes out to play and tells Lisa to watch her back. If I were Lisa I’d amp up my security and maybe keep Hanky and Panky indoors for a little while.