We pick up where we left off on Sunday night, in Iowa with a bunch of hostile women pretending to picture themselves living in the most boring town in America where they would always smell like cow shit. Chris kicks it with Becca while the girls trash talk as per usual. Chris tries to woo Becca by telling her even though this isn’t some fancy place like Italy or Belgium; it’s still SO great. Hard sell, Chris. Becca reveals that she has never been in love and also her last relationship was 4 years. I find that pretty weird, but who am I to judge…Just kidding, Becca is honest and far from fake in their open conversation and she’s probably my favorite on this show. They seal the deal with some sunset kisses and you can see Britt sneaking out from the corner to Instagram the Iowa sunset for her new account “I ❤ Iowa.”

It’s cocktail party time, but before the girls can paint their faces on (quite literally), Britt reveals that she’s so hurt over Chris not rose-ing her that she’s going to pack her shit and bid farewell at the cocktail party. Carly calls her bluff because she hates her with a fiery flame of passion and Britt’s like hey everyone CTFD, I don’t want to upset you, I love you girls FOREVA. In a shocking turn of events, there is no cocktail party and therefore no time for Jade to talk about her naked past or Britt to beg Chris to beg her to stay.

Chris starts his queer speech about making the tough decisions and Britt cuts in to ask if they can just have a real quick chat. She apologizes for putting him in an awk position when she word gommicked all over him. Chris looks like he smells an onion burp, which is pretty typical for his listening face. Then Britt turns it on him and asks what he has to say to her, AKA time to beg her to stay. He doesn’t want a wife who lies a lot, I guess, because he tells Britt to take her free hugs and kisses and give them to someone else. Britt drapes her body on the curb and scream sobs outside to remind every one what it was like to live with KardASHLEY. Carly gets all mean girl in her aside with an evil laugh and a glass full of Britt’s tears. Britt cries into the camera something along the lines of; I thought Carly was my friend even though she was constantly insulting me to my face waaaahhhhh.

Chris comes back with a stern look to announce that he kicked Britt to the curb, literally because her sobs can still be heard from the curb in which she lies. I’m here to find forever, LADIES…is what he announces before he roses Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca and Jade. Carly doesn’t get a rose. She’s surprised, eternally of course. Her heart is completely broken and she’s sad ALL the time so it’s good to see that she’s not taking this too hard. She also shouts, “WHATS WRONG WITH ME?” and I have to cover my eyes because this is so sad and embarrassing. Realistically, she kinda set herself up for failure when she made a hand puppet of Britt complete with lipstick.

Becca- Shreveport, Louisiana

Becca gives Chris a canoe pep talk, but still doesn’t reveal that she’s a viiiiirgin. Although after this visit it wouldn’t be out of left field for Chris to guess. Becca’s family announces ad nauseum that they’ve never seen her near a guy and how truly weird it is that she even knows how to talk to the opposite gender. Becca’s sis sits down with Chris and lays down a real impressive cock block when she tells him that Becca doesn’t like touching or kissing or any of that nonsense. If this were my sister we would have a murder on our hands for how bad she makes Becca sound to her potential husband. Mom adds on to this by telling Chris it’s shocking to see that Becca and Chris hold hands. Our only remaining virgin decides to trap Chris in a fantasy suite before telling him she’s not going to bone until marriage, and I for one can’t wait to see that go down. (No seriously, SOMETHING’S gonna go down when she breaks that news…Get it guys? A boner deflating joke. Not funny? K never mind.) Annnyyyway, at the end of their home visit, Chris surprises Becca with a trip to the State Fair and a private Ferris wheel ride, which is a pretty cute idea. I’ll give him that. They can never top Marissa and Ryan’s Ferris wheel kiss though. Don’t try to knock the champs from the top of the wheel, Chris.

Whitney- Chicago, IL

First stop in Whit’s town=her work, womp womppppp. “Let’s make a baby!” she tells Chris in her shrillest tone imaginable. He shadows her at work and they both wear scrubs and then Whit tricks Chris into J’ing it into a cup so she can test his sperm. He basically grabs the Playboy (which issue, I wonder?) and shoos her out. Not before Whitney can be like GOTCHA, LOLZ, Please don’t masturbate at my place of employment!!! HAHA. Side note: How does Whitney have a real job and also was able to leave for months of filming a TV show? Where do I also find a job like that?

They go to meet Whitney’s family after and Chris wants to ask Whitney’s sister for permission to propose. (PS Whitney’s mint necklace is on point.) Whitney’s sister, Kimberly is looking pretty judgey. She’s all, “you don’t need my approval to do what you want, you’re a grown woman.” And Whitney is upset that she’s not jumping for joy. The sassternaut sister tells Chris to his face that he can call her and ask again when he’s not dating four women at once. Point: Whitney’s Sis. In the end, Whitney wants to open a bottle of wine she was saving for her love. She gets sobby and says she’s absolutely fallen in life with him. Hearts are aflutter at the first real intense declaration of love.

Kaitlyn-Arizona/Canada?

Kaitlyn, always the fun party gal brings Chris to a recording studio first, to write a rap. Obviously Kaitlyn crushes her verses, my favorite was: “I hope that all you noticed was my knockout dress.” Chris jumps in for his verses and has absolutely NO FLOW. Andy Milonakis is a better rapper than Chris and he used to rap about mouse dicks. True story. Seriously bro are you good at anything other than growing corn?

They go to dinner with the whole fam and sit around a classy fire pit table. Kaitlyn chats with her super glam mom about how she could potentially fall in love with Chris. Right now though, she only hearts him, whereas Whitney looooves him. Mom ACTUALLY sees a twinkle in Kaitlyn’s eye, or she’s had one too many glasses of Chard, either way. Kait’s mom doesn’t even want to talk to Chris, so that’s awk that she hates him or something. At the end Kaitlyn surprises Chris with a billboard she made that says Kaitlyn ❤ Chris like she just signed his yearbook. It’s pretty lameskis.

Jade-Nebraska

Here we are. The big reveal. Chris and Jade’s dad sit down togets and her dad tells Chris she’s a real pistol and most boys can’t handle his daughter. (I’m assuming he found this out when his co-workers were taking her issue of playboy into the bathroom with them.) Her brothers talk about her aspiring modeling career and give us the line of the night when they call her a wild mustang. They also call her a free spirit. Basically Jade’s whole family is trying to warn Chris that she’s a loose goose in the nicest way possible. That perplexes him of course. The brothers basically tell Chris to not to try to tame Jade, which makes me think maaaaybe she won’t fit into his Arlington lifestyle. Dad gives Jade a tearful pep talk about following her heart but WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE CONFESSION…

Finally Jade and Chris return to his hotel and she reiterates that she’s such a free spirit. Is that code for a little bit slutty now? I can’t keep up with the slang these days. Anyway, there’s a long stare and finally she’s like well I guess it’s time for me to bring this up because the producers told me to…Apparently when she moved from Nebraska to LA she was feeling really liberated and didn’t say no to anything. I didn’t exaggerate that, she actually said that she wouldn’t say no. There’s a lot of talking in circles and she eventually spits it out and immediately goes I could show you some photos! As she says that she lays her hands out in front of her like she’s holding out her baby’s first photo album and not opening up the spank bank of 13-year-old boys across America. Chris is like if that will make you feel more comfortable I won’t argue checking out some nudes. But then he’s pretttyyy uncomfy looking at Jade’s snatch with her gauging his reaction. He obviously has a weird boner from it. ABC doesn’t let us see any of them, what a bunch of squares. Anyway she’s embarrassed or nervous or whatever and Chris reassures her everything’s kosh even though everyone in America can see she’s outta here.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses-Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca

See YA nudie magazine girl! Jade’s wearing a one-sleeve dress, which pretty much makes her defeat that much worse. Chris says goodbye to her and she shivers because her left arm is exposed. He tells her, things have moved faster with the other girls and that’s all there is to it, WINK. No seriously, Chris winked. It may have been a nervous twitch but we all saw that he was sneaky telling us she got cut cause Playboy. He wipes tears from his eyes as he waves goodbye to Jade’s limo fading into the night. I can only imagine what’s going through his mind; my first guess is “This was really hard.”

Best Quotes from Dum Dum Chris:

“I make corn. I can’t imagine what it would be like to make babies.”-Chris needs to go back to 6^th grade health class.

“I’m pretty confident my soulesers are marching.”-Lulzzzz a little sperm pun for the perpetually immature (Me.)

We return this week to Kelsey still lying on the cold hard ground. She gasps for air even with an oxygen mask on her face and is begging to see Chris so he can see what her anxiety looks like in the flesh and throw a pity rose at her. She actually utters the words, I better get a rose for this. At least she’s subtle about it. After Chris tells her she’s beautiful even with a mask assisting her breathing, she returns to the group fully recovered and laughs it off. Everyone promptly tells her to kill herself with their eyes. She replies with the most sinister smile in America. And we’ve begun tonight’s portion of Kelsey the Sociopath: An Original Lifetime Movie.

DELAYED Rose Ceremony:

Whitney, Kaitlyn, Britt, Jade, Megan, Becca, KardASHLEY & Kelsey get roses.

BAI Mackenzie & Samantha (who says the most amount of words upon her departure.) Nice knowin ya.

Chris is FINALLY ready to have fun so he brings the gang to Deadwood, South Dakota. PARTY ANIMAL. Chris is really upping the ante with more obscure places that the ladies don’t know the geographical location of. We get the lay of the land, “This is where Calamity Jane did her business,” says history Professor Soules as he poses naked for old timey pictures in a saloon.

Let’s Give Love A Shot-Becca

This date is somewhat uneventful. Becca the virgin hops right up on that horse like nobody’s biz and Chris has to work hard to hide his boner. They giggle a lot together and Becca points out what we’ve all been suffering from for weeks; Chris’s laugh SOOKS. She laughs at his laugh rather than him. Did I mention I love Becca? I love her even more when she tells us that she wants Chris to kiss her but she’s concerned about her family seeing her get her mack on. Kardashley’s a virgin who eats Chris’s face every time he’s within reaching distance and Becca is holding out for the kiss and trying to be conservative and earn his respect. Hmm, quite a toss up. They finally kiss and Becca apologizes to her dad. Do you think Jade apologized to her dad when she spread her downstairs curtains for the big show in Playboy? Just wondering.

Back at the South Dakota den, the girls gang up on Kelsey and call her out for laughing in the face of Sanderson Poe’s untimely death. Apparently Kelsey has a nervous laugh and she’s never had a panic attack in her entire life but it was TERRIFYING. She says she’ll be mindful about future interactions with the ladies. And with that she’s already decided she will kill them all at any cost.

Let’s Make Sweet Music Together- Group Date

Chris wants them all to write country songs and Big and Rich show up to help. Megan doesn’t even know where New Mexico is or what show she’s on but she immediately recognizes Big & Rich. I’m guessing the producers tipped her off. Jade is stressed because she’s not good at songwriting; she’s only good at showing off her labia in Playboy. Big (or Rich) runs with Jade down the street shouting and she’s like how much do I owe you for this very effective therapy session. Britt starts tongue-ing Chris in public. Suddenly Jade is sad again.

Chris sings first and hide ya kids, hide ya wife because his voice could potentially kill them. Britt gets up and croons, “I can hear sweet music every time you’re around.” Chris tells us he’s barely holding back the tears after that cheesetastic line. Kaitlin takes the stage and raps about whiskey and her lady bits and I love the shit out of it. Carly grabs Chris’s hand and gives off a vibe of LET THE PROFESSIONALS HANDLE THIS ONE, GUYS and serenades him. I hope for Carly’s sake that the cruise line she works for is full of drunks. Jade goes last and it’s SO BAD that I cover my eyes and my ears. She thinks she did OK. Big & Rich and Chris are laying the compliments on thick. Why are we encouraging this like a bunch of children singing in a school pageant? Related but unrelated: why is Chris such a pussybitch? No one should ever be bawling from this mishmash of unclever lyrics and fork in a garbage disposal singing voices.

The group date continues and he takes some time with each girl. He tells Jade she killed it. And I genuinely wonder if he’s just trolling the viewers now. Britt and Chris run away because they like to shove their sexual chemistry in everyone’s faces and they end up at a Big & Rich show. These two horndogs use the live concert as background music for their journey to second base. They’re pulled off each other and nearly hosed down by the sounds of Big & Rich inviting them onstage. Britt gets rose’d onstage even though she hates country music. Big & Rich change the lyrics to Save A Horse, Ride A Farm Boy and Britt says Challenge, Accepted.

They come back to a room full of death stares and Chris explains himself as Britt takes this opportune time to wipe his saliva from her lips. Everyone obviously shits all over Britt for getting the rose and an undeserving concert. The dramatic music swells and each woman lets her tears do the talking—Carly feels invisible, Kaitlin doesn’t fight for attention, Whitney’s pure heart is broken. Britt combs her luscious locks, applies a fresh coat of lipstick and goes to bed.

Badlands: The Battle of the Crazies 2 in 1 Date

The human crop top and the schoolteacher are treated to a helicopter ride around Mt. Rushmore. Kelsey names each president she sees and Kardashley is pezzed because they’re not flying over a mountain with Kris, Kourtney, Kim and Khloe’s faces carved into it. Awkward silence ensues upon landing in the Badlands and Chris chugs his whiskey to handle this date. (Live look into my apt: chugging wine to handle this show. It seems Soules and I have something in common.) Kardashley and Chris go off to make out and talk shit about Kelsey. Kardashley has gotten better at kissing. She’s probably been practicing with her hand at night. She reminds us that she’s still a virgin, but at least she’s SEXY and dresses like a rebellious teen rather than a MOM.

After Kardashley took her time to remind everyone she’s a virgin, Kelsey took her one on one time to remind Chris she’s a widow. “I’m prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one… to Sanderson Poe. Do you remember him? He penned a great American novel.” Chris obliterates all rules on trash talking by immediately repeating what Kardashley just revealed about Kelsey. Kelsey is hurt, Chris. HOW DARE YOU?

Things start to heat up in the desert when Kelsey returns to Kardashley and tells her “I know what you did” before she pulls a butcher knife out of her back pocket and slices Kardashley’s exposed belly ring off. Kardashley stomps away into the mountains and I keep my fingers crossed for a hangry mountain lion. She finds Chris first, and sobs because he repeated what she said. He comforts the colicky baby and gives a look to the cameras that says he wants to be buried alive in the Badlands. He cuts Kardashley loose because he can’t give her the lavish princess lifestyle she so clearly needs. She lashes out and throws Britt under the bus for also liking nice things and makes herself look even worse. She stomps away then comes back because Chris didn’t follow her and shouts that she can’t believe she’s acting like this, then continues to act like this. Kardashley cries into the camera a lot and can’t pull it the F together. I would expect nothing less for her final moments on this show than that perfectly contoured face gasping for air as buckets of tears pour out. PEACE OUT Kardasssssssssssssley. I wish you a lifetime of laugh-crying.

You still trying to figure out what presidents those are, Kardash?

Chris does the smartest thing he’s ever done when he turns around and whacks Kelsey too. She takes her rejection a wee bit better than Kardashley…for now. The bitches cheer and pop bottles upon hearing news of Kelsey’s exit. “My story is amazing, it’s tragic and it’s beautiful,” Kelsey says one last time, her swan song as she stalks off into the desert to find the shovel she had hidden there the day before in case she needed it. YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, Kelsey echoes through the Badlands, “One day I’ll be featured on Beyond the Headlines: The Murder of Ashley I.” she shouts as she waves the shovel in the air!

I will CUT you.

Best Quotes:

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it.”-Mackenzie the TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD saying that she’ll never recover from a man she’s been on one date with.

“Kelsey had a bit of a fainting episode”-Chris confirming that Kelsey is a sociopath with one subtle sentence.

“She got up there like she’s been riding horses for years.”– Chris clearly disbelieving of Becca’s virginity and also in need of a waistband tuck.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get the princess date.”-Kelsey giving us the exact headline that will appear over a picture of Kardashley’s face on the front page of the newspaper when she SNAPS.

“It’s just so stupid that every time I’m around you I have to cry, it’s like what?!”-Kardashley echoing America’s sentiments, and yet still crying like a faucet.

BONUS-Due to aggressive snowfall in Boston, I got a couple adult snow days and took it upon myself to create a Bachelor drinking game last night. I’ll share some of the rules I used so that you might also enjoy getting hammy-sammied on Monday nights.

Take a Sip When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends

-AMAZING, obv. Also: journey, difficult & connection

-Chris says, “This is hard.”

-Anyone talks about their feelings

-Chris looks like he’s solving global warming in his head when really he’s just listening to a female talk

-A Rose is given

-Chris breathes with his mouth open

-Farm synonyms, themes or catchphrases

-A girl throws shade or talks shit

-Chris talks about how many kids he wants with a girlfraand

-A date gives you the uncomfies

Take a Gulp/Shot When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends in front of another one of his girlfriends

-Chris’s high-pitched maniac laugh pierces your eardrums

-Britt is touching all up on or cuddling with another girl in the house

-There are tears

-Kaitlyn says something inapprops or dirrty

-Megan is confused as to where she is or what she’s doing

-Chris showers or goes shirtless

-Virginity is discussed

-Chris does something the ladies don’t like and doesn’t have a backbone when defending his decision

-C. Harrison has to talk Soules down from a meltdown

-There’s a Kate Gosselin hairstyle in Iowa

Finish Your Drink When:

-Jade finally reveals she spread eagle for Playboy

-Penetration

-Chris proposes

-The girls physically fight WWE style

-Kardashley returns to the mansion in a princess dress, wielding an ear of corn

-Kelsey returns to the mansion wielding an actual weapon

-Ashley S. returns to the mansion because she took PCP and got lost on her way home

There are obviously more that could be added to this—leave your suggestions below and help me make next week’s two nighter MUCH more tolerable!