Come one, come all (if you’re middle aged and have a lot of feelings) to the live-action scorned women showdown. Your honorable host, Chris Harrison will be taming the circus tonight and showing everyone his comedic chops as he asks the hard-hitting questions and tames the wild mustangs waiting in the wings to attack. Unfortunately I missed the first twenty minutes, but before anyone can get sassy, I’d like to confess that I ran out of wine this weekend (not really sure how THAT’S possible) and I watched this episode stone cold sober. For that, I deserve a full applause. Let’s get right to Mz. Free Hugs.

Britt:

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Britt takes the hot seat to defend how she went from top sloppy makeout dog to crying on a curb. There’s a little scuffle between her and Kardashley about the comment that she didn’t want to have kids ever. This is the part where Britt lists her resume which is chock-full of working with children so OF COURSE SHE WANTS KIDS, KARDASHLEY YOU IGNORANT SLUT. Kardashley is like ok maybe I heard wrong, luh yew girl.

Then comes the Carly vs. Britt battle. Might I point out first of all that whoever told Carly to bleach her hair even blonder than it already was and leave her eyebrows brown is the real MVP here. I never actually thought Carly’s eyebrows could get weirder but we fully achieved it tonight because they looked like they were drawn on with a Mr. Sketch brown cinnamon scented marker.

Anyway, not to get catty because Carly already took care of that when she started out by saying, “I actually don’t have a problem with Britt, I have no ill will at all.” Even C. Harrison was like Bitch, Please to that bullshit. Carly tells the whole story of the show that we all watch three hours of every Monday, like we’re a bunch of morons who didn’t know what was happening. You’re not talking to Chris Soules anymore, Carly you can bring the education level up a notch or five. Britt spends this time trying to interject every five seconds and also rolling her eyes like nobody’s biz. Britt gives good eye roll. Finally she’s had enough and says, “You’ve pretty much narrated my love story for the past three weeks, so can I say something?” SHUT. DOWN. SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS BECAUSE THERE HAS BEEN A MURDER. No but seriously, I would’ve respected Britt a little more in this argument had she not spent the whole time looking at the lights and scrunching her face trying to make herself cry. After the commercial break we return to Britt sobbing and C. Harrison with his head propped in his hand like don’t you fret girrrllll everyone’s just jelly of you. C. Harrison set a precedent for crushing it as variety hour host right about here.

Kelsey:

If anything is going to make a room of biddies erupt I didn’t expect it to be the widow of Sanderson Poe with her sensible mom haircut. It was like the line for pizza after the bars close with all those women in their cheap dresses looking for a rumble the second Kelsey hit that stage. She reacted well though, like the sociopath that she is. They show her Oscar-worthy montage (I’m still holding out for the Lifetime movie…c’mon guys it’s not like you’re a respectable network, you cashed in on Brittany Murphy’s death with an actress who looked nothing like her…not that I watched or anything.) Anywho, immediately after watching, Kelsey reveals, “I feel like I’m grieving all over again.” You would’ve thought she admitted to killing Chris Soules and sleeping with his dead body every night with the facial expressions amongst the fellow ladies after that.

Once they’ve recovered from frozen shock face, the girls all try to butt in with bitchy comments that they just keep shouting out. Kelsey gets emotional as one does when they’re trying to act for cameras and C.Harrison gives her his silk handkerchief to snot rocket into. At that, Kardashley whose going for the award of Most Gif-able reaction shots, gives Kelsey a look like she’s the dirtiest scum bucket alive.

C.Harrison asks hey, so Kelsey, do you maybe see after that clip that you were kind of a twat? And Kelsey is like hmm maybe a touch. Chris nearly has to go WWE smack down to keep the bitches from clawing Kelsey to death when he opens up the floor to them. Ju(e)lia hits her first and says she’s also a widow and Kelsey is the fakest person she’s ever met. BOOM. Helmet Megan also kicks it into high gear about losing a parent and calling Kelsey’s bullshit. SMACK. Trina, who’s Trina? Hates her stinkin guts too. CRASH. SAMANTHA SPEAKS!!! This alone deserves a rose. Girl thinks she got voted off the island because Kelsey got a panic attack rose. (She’s actually really nice about it, too bad we never heard her utter a peep all season.) Kelsey gets real teary about people saying her husband didn’t even exist and Kardashley’s like welllllll does he? As she sobs all over the joint, Chris goes “Clearly this has been an emotional journey for you.” Clearly, Chris.

Onion Pomegranate:

Hey everyone, Ashley S. the batshit crazy one is back, because we need an upper before everyone starts crying again. The crowd watches OP’s loony bin clips like it’s a five star standup comedy routine. They show different people laughing like maniacs and then pan to Ashley S. who tries way too hard to look like she’s in on the joke. Then she brings an onion up to Chris and says she’s been growing them, and it instantly becomes clear that this girl’s act will not quit. She’s committed hard. C.Harrison thrives on being the host of crazy town hour and he milks it for all it’s worth. He asks Ashley what the cats were saying to her in the mesa verde and who she really is as a human being. Apparently she likes to ride bikes. She also still is unsure of what planet she’s actually on. C Harrison invites her to go on Bachelor in Paradise, for ratings of course. Instead of answering she stares those dead eyes off into space and says, it’s so weird that we’re on TV, before I assume she walks toward the camera and touches it in wonder with her mouth open.

Jade:

Jade is looking ROUGH tonight and I’m kind of disappointed in her. She can’t pull her shit together and basically just barely sobs out that Chris’s blog for People (which unfortunately I read every week to gain insight on if he has brain activity—spoiler alert: he doesn’t) hurt her feelings. Apparently he said her being wild disgusted her or something and she’s read it every single day since he dumped her while listening to Jewel’s You Were Meant for Me and letting the fat tears roll down her face. All jokes aside she just wants closure from him because he obviously lied to her Playboy posing face about why he was cutting her loose. Good luck, girl. You’re gonna get more support from the middle aged women passionately nodding at you in the audience than stammery Soules.

 

Kaitlyn:

Kaitlyn continues to be my favorite in this whole slew of overly dramats women because not only does she look fab in a tight white crop coordinates outfit (take notes on how to dress when you see someone who dumped you on TV for the first time in months, Jade) but Kaitz also holds her shit together and comes across as an intelligent woman. Without sobbing, she articulates that she was falling in love and feeling confident at the rose ceremony and can pinpoint when her heart was broken. She wants to find out why the hell Chris would tell her he’s falling in love with her and also most definitely have sex with her in the fantasy suite just to axe her in a foreign country while wearing a festive robe. Are we seeing a trend here with Chris not handling his women well and lying a lot, ladiezzz? Jus sayin. These women should probably cut their losses and feel good about dodging a bullet, especially mah gurl Kaitlyn. Even though Kaitlyn has a good interview and I want to support her, she also spends the whole time onstage aggressively licking her lips and it gets REAL distracting.

And the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the doofus himself, Chris “Sweaty Pits Won’t Quit” Soules arrives: (No really… HAVE WE NOT LEARNED THAT CHRIS WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE?)

All he has to do is walk into the room and already Britt bursts into tears. Oh yeah, I just have that effect on women; they just want to cry immediately upon seeing me because that’s how terrible I treat them. This is what I imagine Chris says to his cows back home when he chitchats with them every morning. Britt asks to come up and brings it all full circle by giving Chris a 45 minute long uncomfy hug…FOR FREE. This evokes a hard eye roll from Carly. All I get from this convo is that Britt respects and loves Chris and Chris just stutters a lot. Smooth start.

Kaitlyn gets a turn next to ask Chris a bunch of questions that he will pretend to listen to and then just open his mouth and hope for the best while responding. Kaitlyn once again is very composed and just wants to know why he would stick it in her and say he’s in love with her then say peace out girlfraaann. Also having her sit through that rose ceremony when he knew she was going home WAS pretty brutal Chris’s response was: Ughh blub blub this is my first time being the bachelor HAHA. Kaitlyn should be the next goddamn Oprah and she’s dealing with this ooga booga.

And finally, Jade asks if she can come up to talk to Chris about why he checked out her nudies and then said it gave him a weird boner. She gets all sobsies and really doesn’t help her case of exposing how dumb Chris is. Unfortunately we have to hear the phrase wild mustang like 5 more times. And in the end Chris stammers out uh yeah YOU would’ve felt awkward too so HA. And then inserts tail between legs and apologizes because at this point there’s nothing else he can do. The damage was done when he told every single girl he loved them and then massaged their mouths with his. Time to move on from this VERY difficult time in his life.

And just because there were so many tears…here are the blooper reel highlights:

-Chris’s HIDEOUS laugh montage juxtaposed with dolphin sounds (This is the point where I seriously thought the producers knew I had run out of wine and were just straight up torturing me.)

-Jillian burning her black box on a hot chair…I think that’s what full shorts were invented for but who am I to jump to conclusions.

-Shit falling on Kelsey’s head, can we really call that a blooper or was it more of a ploy to get her to GO OFF.

-Kardashley spitting champagne up on herself, cause she doesn’t swallow. HEYYOOOO.

In closing, in the most inorganic and forced way possible, insert shameless self-promotion of C. Harrison’s new harlequin romance novel. Because apparently if you mediate a reality show with people looking for love, you’re now qualified to pen a novel. You do you, C.Harrison.

Next week it all comes to an end folks and I think I’m actually sad about it. Who will I make fun of on a weekly basis? Anyway, stay tuned to find out if Chris picks Becca or Whitney or if his head just hurts too much from everything being SO hard that he hightails it back to Arlington without a hostage wife.