Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – It’s All About Becca


HEY GUYS WE’RE BACK! As if this wasn’t enough of a ratings ploy, we kicked off the after show by watching THE EXACT SAME THING WE ALREADY WATCHED. Yanno, in case it wasn’t already hammered home that Becca got dumped, why not watch it all over again? Then we watch her fly home (coach) and sit on her couch looking at pictures and videos of her and Arie and sob. It’s almost like producers handed her these things and then turned cameras on…

Meanwhile, Arie is on a direct flight to Virginia Beach to get Lauren back and “have a panic attack” outside of her house. She obviously 100% expected him as she jumped into his arms and told him it was so hard being rejected that she moved back home with her parents. Must be nice to quit your “job” over heartbreak and move back in with mommy and daddy. She asks why he didn’t propose to her and Arie said it was because he saw a flash of doubt in her eye once and basically picked Becca because it was the safe choice and she seemed like she’d make a great wife. Could this guy BE a bigger asshole?! Apparently not to Lauren, who basically writhes all over him and demands the ring pronto tonto. PS Arie also tells Lauren he’s 1000% over Becca, like 3 days after dumping her. So that’s nice. Glad he has feels.

Now we’re back to the “live” portion, or as it quickly becomes evident, fluff on fluff on fluff. Not sure how Kendall, Bekah, Sienne, Caroline & Tia became the Peanut Gallery of this year’s finale but they’ve gotten more screen time than Becca herself and it’s getting REAL annoying (I’m looking at you Bekah, trying to stretch that missing girl, big chandelier earring, fame as far as it will go.) Chris brings the Spice Girls down to ask them what they think of all of this, individually, the question phrased differently each time. Lemme save you 25 mins, they all think Arie’s a douchenozzle, Becca is queen and dodged a bullet and Lauren better GET OUT QUICK.


Becca’s trucked back out to show everyone that she’s still a babe and she’s doing just fine, and to reassure the world that airing her breakup in full shouldn’t make us all irrationally angry. Once she confirms with Chris that it’s totes ok for producers to exploit her life and she signed up for this, Chris is like GREAT, let’s joke about it-check out these billboards, HAHAHA. Becca offers to donate all the drink money everyone’s been venmoing her and Chris is like YES WE WILL MATCH. Not for nothing but it sounds like Chris Harrison is speaking from a guilty conscience here after facing a little TOO much backlash on night one.


Becca gets her moment to face Arie and be the bigger person (cough cough because she’s being preened to step into Bachelorette) and all I wanted was for her to say, “First of all, how dare you?” Instead she forgives him and Arie is still a bumbling idiot who stutters, “I do regret regret proposing that day.” Becca responds that he robbed her of her first engagement and proposal which is SO true but like stay in this franchise and it won’t really matter in another year, girl.

In other useless television, Jason Mesnick and his 100 year old People cover that was once “SCANDALOUS” are also trotted out to waste even more time. Chris Harrison continues to make everything about himself saying he received threats after what they aired. Something tells me Chris has never faced a second of disapproval in his life and he’s really struggling with it. He would like Jason to comfort him.

Lauren and Arie come out next to try and get us all to like them again. It doesn’t work. Chris tells Lauren, “I can’t even imagine what’s going through your mind right now.” And she says, “Me neither.”


I want you to let that sink in for a minute.


This is the most truthful thing that has ever been said on this whole season. Literally not a thought in Lauren’s brain and she FULLY admits it. You’re so pretty, Lauren. Keep up the good work.


They reveal that their romantic story continued when Arie slid into her DM’s on New Year’s Eve. If I may borrow a favorite word from Lauren, WOW! WHAT A LOVE STORY. Lauren gets dumped for another girl, then they’re reconnected in the lush forest of DM’s. HOW much do you wanna bet it was after Lauren posted a babe soda I’m doing better than you selfie? The HAPPY couple is about to head out of the country and stay off of social media because everyone obviously hates them and also that’s what two people who don’t have jobs do. After they return, Lauren is moving to Arizona probably because she’s living with her parents right now and also because in this ass backwards franchise, the girl ALWAYS uproots her life and moves to the guys’ home city, which is preposterous, among many other things of course. Arie tries to sell everyone on him and Lauren like its a piece of real estate (see what I did there?) and not a living, breathing, relationship. Then he takes the opportunity to propose in front of an audience that is NOT having it, in the most staged and disingenuous way. I didn’t think anything could be more cringeworthy and tone deaf than him knocking on the bathroom door while the fiance he just dumped sobs and asking if she was ok AND THEN THIS PROPOSAL HAPPENED. What a joke. Obviously Lauren says yes, Chris Harrison wishes them at least one month more than Arie’s previous engagement and literally not one person in the audience gives a shit. PS you bet your bottom dollar I had my eyes glued to the TV to see if it was the same ring. How dirt city is it that Arie just 100% weaseled another free ring out of ABC/ya boy Neil Lane? I mean it’s not shocking at this point, because everything Arie does is terrible. BUT STILL I’M MAD ABOUT IT.

Oh, and also Becca is the next Bachelorette BECAUSE OF COURSE and we kill more time by asking what all her “BFF’s” (the peanut gallery) think of her being the bachelorette and then she meets 3 or 4 (honestly I don’t remember) of the guys from her season right onstage and it’s awkward and weird and NOW WE ARE FINALLY FINISHED WITH THAT WANKER ARIE! Thanks British contestant, who will only last longer next season because of your accent, for pointing that out. Can we all take a moment to laugh at the fact that Arie came out of this show looking like a total troutsniffer, no one even cared about his proposal and the finale was all about how flawle$$ Becca is. That makes me very happy. Now accepting over/unders on Lauren and Arie’s relashe. Something tells me escaping to another country to avoid a media shitstorm ISN’T A GR8 OMEN.


Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – “I’m not like, gonna hug you goodbye.”

Meeting the FAM!

Arie tells his dad that he’s in love with both girls and his dad replies, “good luck, buddy!” Lauren meets the gang first. Arie just wants Lauren to speak today around his family. That’s pretty much all he’s hoping for. Lauren is concerned she’ll have another broken engagement, Arie is concerned he’ll be in another relationship where his significant other is a mute. That sums up Lauren’s viz.

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Next, everyone in the fam talks about how much they loved Lauren and how they pre-judged and hate Becca without giving her a chance. Mama L tells Arie, “I love Lauren but I also love Becca.” And Arie is like WELCOME TO MY LIFE, BETCH. Arie Sr asks Becca if her and Lauren get along. WHY DOES IT MATTER? He says they’re both nice and he’d be fine with either choice. What a dick. The fact that Becca’s entire visit has been about Lauren is a foreshadowing like no other. Surprisingly, the family casts their votes for Becca because she’s independent and can hold her own and not take any shit from Arie. Whereas Lauren seems like a baby bitch who constantly needs reassurance and to be pulled out of her shell. I’m paraphrasing here. But it sounds like Arie feels like he should be with an outgoing girl but always ends up speaking on behalf of his girlfriends and wanting to take care of them. So basically he was hoping his parents told him it was ok to be with Lauren, and when they didn’t say that he was like well, fuck.

Machu Picchu with Lauren


Arie and Lauren talk about how lucky they are. Honestly that’s all I took away from this date. Basically Arie is looking for each girl to prove that she’s the one for him and it’s not gonna happen. So he’s just jabbering on and on about why he loves her, looking for reassurance. At this point in the episode I grabbed a handful of peanut M&M’s from my candy dish on my coffee table and for fear of getting the colors to rub off on my clammy hands, I set them down on the couch but they kept rolling around, so I instead pulled out the front of my oversized Bayside Tigers sweatshirt and created a little pouch as a holding tank for my candies so I could toss them down the hatch one by one without having to reach so far. Telling this story and laughing out loud about it is 1 ZILLION BILLION TIMES MORE INTERESTING THAN WATCHING THIS DATE OR 5 HOURS IN TOTAL OF A BACHELOR FINALE. Later, Lauren tells Arie why she loves him and how she’s so ready and unafraid of their future together. They talk about how they both envision drinking coffee in the morning and taking the dogs for a walk. Neither of them say where that will be, which seems like KIND OF an important detail for people from two different cities. But they love each other so much and that’s that.

Baby Alpaca with Becca


They try on drug rugs, go to a petting zoo basically and Arie spends the whole time comparing Becca to Lauren. What a dink. (Side note: taking one girl to see an amazing landmark and another one shopping at a farmers market should be illegal.) Later Becca confesses that she’s afraid of and threatened by Arie’s relationship with Lauren. Arie stutters don’t worry, just think about us. But like also says he’s feeling conflicted. This is a foreshadowing like no other. Becca presents a scrapbook to Arie that she made with a long message about her dad dying and pictures of all their dates and room for pictures of their baby. YIKES THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. The biggest takeaway here is why is Becca still using her last initial to sign the scrapbook this far along?

In between commercial breaks, we’re treated to Chris Harrison gathering a smattering of kicked off contestants and dum dum bumbling bachelors past to offer their one sentence input on what we’ve seen so far. I wonder if when the show pitches 5 hours for a finale, they’re like we’re just going to ad lib for about a collective half hour with whoever will agree to appear. GREAT TV. It did give us this gem though…

Who knew Ben Higgins was funny?! Learn something new every day.

Arie picks out the ring probably not knowing who the hell is gonna be wearing it and does not have the common Bachelor(ette) courtesy of letting the loser down easy the night before or that morning so they don’t get all dolled up to get dumped.

Lauren is the first out of the limo and history is not on her side with that one. Lauren’s whole speech is about how she had her guard up because she was scared but in reality she loved him all along and can’t wait to love him forever. Arie says something has been holding him back and he can’t go through with it and he can’t explain it. He walks her out and Lauren goes, “Why did you do that?” and Arie says he didn’t know until that morning. Bullshit. In her car ride home Lauren questions, “how can you get down on one knee when you weren’t sure like, 3 hours ago?” Valid question, Lauren. VALID QUESTION.

Becca then emerges from the limo and we still have AN HOUR left. COME ON. I’ve now resorted to reading an actual book during the show and looking up every few minutes to see if I’ve missed something major. Becca’s speech is about how comfortable she is with Arie and how easy their relationship is. Becca gives Arie confidence and his love for her is immeasurable. He thinks about their kids and growing old together and he chooses her for every day for forever but wait…does he? The both celebrate and say it’s just us now! And talk about having babies. This is so totally cringeworthy and we haven’t even gotten to the “uncut breakup” yet.

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Chris steps in to tell us normally this is where the story ends BUT NOT TONIGHT. And we’re brought into the weeks after the proposal where Arie tells the camera that he wakes up every day thinking about Lauren and feels as though he’s made a mistake. He talks to Chris Harrison first of course, because ratings and says he’s made up his mind and wants to pull the switcheroo. Becca rolls up to an Air B&B expecting a romantic couples getaway in LA and she’s about to be dumped on camera. Not for nothing, but it should be a HUGE red flag that the proposal has happened and there’s still a camera crew following you around and asking you for confessionals. How is it possible that Becca is not suspicious of this? I feel like she’s gotta be more woke about this having just been on a reality show for that many months. Regardless, we’re then treated to like 30 mins of uncut exploitation of a girl getting her heart curbstomped. It’s excruciating. There’s literally no other way to describe it. Arie tells Becca he wants to see if there’s something still there with Lauren and then quite literally will not leave after he tells her he doesn’t want her. Becca says she’s done, goes into the bathroom to sob her face off and Arie’s like hey how’s it going in there? GET. LAWST. BRUH. He forces her to sit down and talk again because he’s the worst 40 year old human with grey sonic the hedgehog hair on this planet and finally after she tells him for the bazillionth time to leave, he gets the hint and peels out in search of a future full of “wow’s.”

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Cut to Becca onstage with Chris watching this brutal slaughtering once again with a live audience AS IF SHE DIDN’T ACTUALLY LIVE IT. Her and Arie haven’t spoken since the filmed breakup. And Chris is like well  do you want to see him? Because he’ll be on this stage tomorrow live and we’ll continue this WHOLE CHARADE! I hate everyone.

PS I’m interested to see what Lauren thinks of her current boyfriend telling the girl he proposed to (Becca) that he saw absolutely no future and had to force it with the girl he’s currently dating (Lauren.) Hey Arie, once it’s said on TV, it’s forever, baby.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You


In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

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JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

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The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

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While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.


Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

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They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

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Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)