Tag Archives: reality show

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Man Tanks Galore

 

BACKSTREET BOYS, NICK VIALL

If you recall, last week was a “cliffhanger” when Nick sent Liz packing and was FORCED to reveal that he sucks in bed had sex with her already. Nick just wants to be up front with everyone because he was SHOCKED when Back Tat got out of the limo. Or more realistically, he was shocked when Chris Harrison had to take him aside to remind him that he’s boned this girl already. He addresses the ladies that they met at JADE AND TANNER’S wedding (are they cashing in on this like product placement? I hope so) and had sex. Then apparently Nick thinks he’s hosting his own epi of Loveline because he opens it up to a Q&A segment with the ladies. He takes each girl aside to reassure himself and make sure no one is judging his sex life. The girls all think he’s suuuper sensitive and concerned with their feelings, so that worked out a little TOO well. Some girl in a yellow dress talks about how worried she is about Nick’s confession. I literally have no clue who she is. I’m confident ABC just tossed in an extra to fuck with us.

Speaking of jokes, Corinne sneaks upstairs to strip down and toss on a trench coat. She stands in front of the mirror practicing how to flash Nick. All I can do is picture Corinne getting ready to come to the mansion and ordering her nanny to pack an oversized trench coat in her suitcase, for obvious reasons.

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She sashays downstairs in this khaki-colored garbage bag and proceeds to shoot whipped cream down Nicks throat and chase it with her tongue. Then in natural progression, she sprays it all over her boobs and asks him to lick it off. Nick loves that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body. YEAH HE DOES. The girls watch from a window in the house and immediately cry.

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Corinne gets interrupted and suddenly the whipped cream can is lying on the cold, hard ground. Corinne runs into the house and sobs that her relationship with Nick is over because he didn’t want to slurp whipped cream out of her lady bits while a bunch of women watched with jealousy. Then she passes the F out and misses the rose ceremony. Nick demands to know where she is as if the girls in the room have killed her and buried her body underneath that giant trench coat. He apologizes on her behalf. If anyone should be apologizing it should be Hailey who wore an actual bra to the rose ceremony and still didn’t get a rose.

Roses: Corinne, Danielle, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Jasmine, Christen, Taylor, Astrid

Everybody! with Danielle L. Christen Kristina Whitney Taylor Jasmine & Corinne

The Backstreet Boys shows up at the mansion and the most shocking part about this is that Brian has a disgusting braided tail hanging off the back of his head. C’mon guys, you’re old but you’re still touring. Clean it up. They sing a quick song and all the girls try to sing over them. If BSB is standing 2 feet away from you singing, YOU LISTEN. What a bunch of disrespectful hoez.

The gals hit the dance studio with BSB and Nick in a man tank. Wittle baby Corinne isn’t loving this date because she doesn’t have an excuse to pull her tits out. She’s a bad dancer and she’s not getting enough attention. Not to point fingers, but this Thriller choreography isn’t doing her any favors. Kevin is wearing a fedora and tells everyone to wrap it up. It’s actually insulting to JT (the KING of pulling off a fedora) how bad he looks.

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Jus’ sayin.

At the “show” that night consisting of about 30 people, Nick’s cue to awkwardly jive onto the stage is the lyric “We’re gonna bring the flavor show you how” and I’ve never laughed harder. WHAT a contradiction. Danielle’s claw hands shine the brightest because she wins a slow grind with Nick to “I Want It That Way” while the other biddies glare.

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At the after party, Danielle gets more slow dance and smooch time and of course, a rose. Corinne takes my last and final straw. First she puts herself down for a quick nappie then she wakes up to tell everyone about her nanny Raquel, who does every single thing for her. Most importantly, her nanny makes the best cheese pasta. CHEESE. PASTA. That’s it. I’ve put up with a lot from Corinne mostly because I know she’s this season’s villain and all of her screen time is edited/staged but I cannot any longer. There’s no way producers could’ve controlled the dumb that dribbles out of her mouth. Choreography is not called planned dancing and cheese pasta is MAC AND CHEESE. AND YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ONE SINGLE BOX OF KRAFT SHAPES, YOU DUMB BITCH. #Done.

“You Make Me Feel Like I’m Floating” with Vanessa

Vanessa and Nick get in a plane that casually nosedives to give them the zero gravity feel. Immediately I assume someone will be blowing chunks. If I were put in that plane I would probably cry hysterically the whole time. They do a weird air jig for a while; run into each other’s limbs a lot and then kiss. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for Vanessa to feel nauseous (or if you’re Sean Lowe: nautious) and puke a little bit. Thankfully for us, she doesn’t projectile but politely Ralphs in a barf bag while Nick literally puts his face on top of hers. Back up, bro! She’s spewing her insides right now. I don’t even want someone in the same room as me when I’m puking, let alone putting his forehead on mine and they met like five minutes ago. Whatever, Vanessa thinks it’s adorbs how caring he is and they make out afterwards. YIKES. I almost had a chain reaction sitch just from watching them have a vom makeout. Gum doesn’t erase what just went down!

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Later, Vanessa compares her grandfather dying to coming on this show because he gave out roses from beyond his grave or something? Nick cries thinking about what will happen if “this doesn’t work out for him.” K. Vanessa tries to pretend she forgot about the rose this whole time, lolerskates. She probz didn’t want it after seeing Nick sob on their first date. She gets it anyway.

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“I’m done playing the field” with Rachel Alexis Astrid Jaimi Sarah Brittany & Dominique

Nick recruits his buds from the Olympics to help the girls run track. They obviously have no idea who these athletes are but put on a clinic of shock when they stroll up. I took a class in college where I had to watch a documentary on Carl Lewis and I couldn’t have pointed him out last night if you had put a gun to my head. Astrid decides to go with a minimal support “sports” bra and the cameraman wastes no time capitalizing on that. Astrid, Alexis and Rachel race for some natural hot tub time in the middle of a high school track. Rachel has hot hands and can’t grab the ring at the finish line, so Astrid, boobs flapping, scoops up the ring after almost stomping Rachel’s hand off and gets into the hot tub fully clothed. What a W for her.

After Astrid’s leggings probably melt off, Dominique has a meltdown because Nick hasn’t paid attention to her at all and this was her first time she was allowed out of the mansion. Instead of using her time to have a conversation and learn about Nick, Dom comes in REAL hot and tells Nick that she thinks he’s not giving her a fair chance. He didn’t pull her aside to ask how she was doing during the date and that was NOT OKAY. Nick says, GIRL, BYE. So that kind of backfired, huh, Dom?

Pool Party in lieu of Cocktail Party

The girls are all horned up, cause pool party, and the minute Nick steps outside, all hands are on his abs. It doesn’t really matter though because once Corinne rises from the dead it’s game over. She surprises Nick with a bounce house and then straddles him inside of it. I asked for a bounce house for my 21st birthday party and my parents told me they had a weight limit. This has nothing to do with Corinne turning a bounce house to a bounce sex den but I needed to bring it up because I’m still bitter about being denied the best party ever and I’ll never stop talking about it. Anyway, after he goes for the two-handed ass grab and all the other girls watch with a Whitney circa The Hills Season 2 surprise face, Corinne goes back to bed because her work there is done.

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Raven tattles to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and doesn’t know how to clean a spoon. TELL HIM THAT SHE CALLS MAC AND CHEESE, “CHEESE PASTA.” I DARE YOU, RAVEN. Then Vanessa wants Nick to know that she saw him “riding her” and she’s judging him. Does he want a wife or just a F buddy? We shall find out next week. One thing I know for sure is that a pukey makeout bonds two people for life, and I don’t think Vanessa’s going anywhere anytime soon.

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Today’s bonus clip came courtesy of Josephine singing made up show tunes to Nick while my ears fell clean off of my head. So thanks for that, ABC.

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Pop Culture, Television

The Hills: That Was Then, This Is Now

It’s been 10 years since The Hills taught me that moving to a city in your twenties is equivalent to being a celebrity. It left out the part about not being able to afford an apartment with a pool, staying in with network TV on a week night instead of hitting the clubs, and having friends that DON’T give you diamonds for your 21st birthday. Whatever. The Hills MIGHT have given me unreal expectations about post-college life being as fancy-free as a Natasha Bedingfield song. That’s why I’m not sure why I’m so surprised that they duped me once again. LC made her big announcement about a month ago about The Hills “reunion” for all the fans that stuck by her side (Me, obviously. I buy all her clothes and still quote her daily.) They revved us up with an all day marathon of the reality TV glory (pre-Kardashian days.) And then what they delivered was a one hour special with LC, her parents, her husband and a couple of producers…talking about her life. They promo’ed both clothing lines, her charity work, and showed us how gr8 her life is now. I KNOW HER LIFE IS GREAT. SHE’S LAUREN F’ING CONRAD! And it wasn’t until that final credit rolled last night that I realized I had eaten that shit right up. I was tricked and yet I still watched it and tweeted about it and now I’m writing this recap. You done me good, MTV. But know that I’m disappointed.

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Since I’m assuming the majority of the world chose the ChadBear pooping his pants on Bachelor in Paradise over this snoozefest, here are your highlights. But seriously, I accept Dunks gift cards as a form of thank you for DVR’ing this then sitting two inches away from my TV taking ratchet pictures and videos to enhance this recap.

 

Things That Are The Same:

  • LC still rolls around Laguna in her black convertible, top down, blonde locks blowing in the ocean breeze. Gawd I wanted this to be fake but she’s just such a casj cool Cali girl. Her parents also still live in a kickass house with an infinity pool that looks across the ocean.*(see “things that are different.”)

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  • Thirsty ass bitches are friends. Left on the cutting room floor: Heidi telling Kimmy K at her housewarming party, “We’re the only people in American who have jellyfish.” This interaction EXPLAINS EVERYTHING and I can’t believe it’s been buried for this long.

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  • Audrina is like, really pretty. No seriously, LC talks about meeting “their very pretty neighbor.” It means she’s dumb, guys. Also this is pure bullshit because everyone knows Audrina auditioned to be in The Hills.
  • Brody and LC have 0.0 chemistry. Their first date banter about LC’s Cheshire cat smile and how it pretty much seemed like it was going nowhere was just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously producers fabricated the LC/Brody drama and now we have the proof! Like a couple of seasoned actors, they played along with: I like your smile, no I like your smile! *closed mouth kiss.* END SCENE.

Things That Are Different:

  • *Except now Mr & Mrs Conrad’s house is a shrine to LC’s magazine covers.

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  • Bitch intern Emily might’ve once shamed LC for being so uneducated in the world of flowers but LOOK AT HER NOW, she knows what garden roses are and runs a fashion empire. Where did you end up, Emdoggz?

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  • We now know that Jason was a RAGING alcoholic during his early reality TV star years. This is key as now we can unearth the real reason LC dumped his ass and a BTS peek at him hammered when they force her to “recreate” their breakup for the camera. LC was actually crying because it was morning and Jason was three sheets to the wind, or like a freckle past a hair? This scene alone is hilarious and then LC adds a very generic & monotone, “Jason had a happy ending and is sober and married.” Good for you, Jason. Sucks that LC didn’t get enough credit for telling ole spiky hair, BOY BYE because she was sick of dragging his dead booze weight out of Les Deux on a Monday night.

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(PS what a Dick for being drunk and saying LC isn’t acting normal.)

  • LC is a businesswoman now and realizes that MTV bought her Teen Vogue “internship.” Whereas back in the day she actually thought she was interviewing for it. Oh, honey.

Things That Deserve Their Own Reality Show:

  • William and LC. Seriously these two cannot be any cuter. LC babbles about fashion and William looks at her like this:

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He even attends her clothing line board meetings. RELASHE GOALZ.

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  • LC yelling at MTV for putting her and Spencer in the same room. These two HATED each other and seeing LC be like wtf, guys every time they snuck him into a scene would be all the entertainment.

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  • The amount of guys that Hills producers paid to chat/kiss/be LC’s boyfriend for the night. Seriously, the way they mic’ed up dirty Parisian guy before he even walked over to LC is impressive. Then they pulled the puppet strings to get him to kiss her. TV MAGIC. I guess this is technically the premise for Unreal but I’d still like to see more of their blatant producing of this show. LC was tipped off this guy was going in for the kiss so she ran away. I’ve never been more proud. That kiss would’ve been like a hit of dirt and nicotine. Stay clean, LC.

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But actually think about what it would be like to be 23 and out at a bar where every guy who chats you up has already spoken to your producers and signed a waiver. YIKES.

  • LC’s cat eye. No f’real. Her business savvy is impressive, her charity work is honorable but the most important thing is that winged liner. I will worship all day at the altar of her perfected Persian eye.
  • This house.  I think I actually wiped up a little drool just from an establishing shot of her yard. Holy MTV money.

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Noticeably Missing:

  • Segment on where Justin Bobby is today. What his spiritual beliefs are, if he’s washed his hair lately, if he still sweeps chicks off their feet with just one burp. You know, the important stuff. I would’ve even settled for LC giving us an unfiltered commentary on a classic JB scene.

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  • An apology from Lisa Love. She’s gotta feel like a real asshole now for Paris-shaming LC when she was just trying to check her 18-year-old boyfriend into rehab.

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  • A shoutout to William’s days in Something Corporate. Sigh. Tween girl in me is disappointed. HE USED TO BE A PUNK HEARTTHROB! HE WAS ONCE FAMOUS TOO! Give us that backstory!
  • A live look at Heidi and Spencer as aunt/uncle to Holly’s baby. Does Uncle Spence rub crystals on the little homeboy?

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  • Whitney’s reaction to a shocked face montage.

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  • An in-depth discussion of current events and politics with Audrina.

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  • LC mocking her worst fashion moments of The Hills. Cough cough, plastic black headband, cough.

Biz Casj Headband

 

And finally, it wouldn’t be a real rundown on The Hills without mention of the most ridiculous couple. As a reaction to being iced out of the special, Speidi took completely different approaches, both with the goal of attention. Let us observe. Spencer went full Kanye:

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Heidi opted for the kill ‘em with kindness tactic. Hey Heidi, LC will never be your friend again. Stop trying. It’s been 10 years. Let it go, girlfriend.

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*Cue acoustic version of “feel the rain on your skin….no one else can feel it for you….only you can let it in.” 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- A Waste of Three Hours

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“This is when the fireworks went off in each other’s hearts!”

Disclaimer: I overslept this morning and didn’t proofread this. Have at it.

You know how week after week for this entire season (A.C.—after Chad) I’ve complained about how much boring bullshit they’ve packed in to fill two hours? Well, add another hour and you’ve got the finale. I was stressed before this finale, mostly because I didn’t know when to take my ice cream break to pull me through. (I took it when Robby was on camera, obviously.) But also because I knew from the 4 same clips they kept previewing of JoJo crying that they had NOTHIN to fill that airtime. AND BOY WAS I RIGHT. It’s often the case.

In Phuket, Thailand, JoJo’s family has finally arrived. Also there are still a lot of monkeys. Unrelated, but kind of related.

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One monkey is a Robby and the other is a Jordan, and JoJo tells her family that she loves them both. Just a friendly reminder though, she hasn’t told either of the guys! “GOOD FOR YOU!” JoJo’s mom chirps in approval. You hear that, Ben? You big giant dirt bag I Love You slut! (He will never hear the end of that.)

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Jordan & the Red Hat Society

Jordan’s first up for family times and goes in for a bear hug with everyone, including JoJo’s judgey bros. They don’t immediately push him off, so either tey really like him or they were tipped off that he’s a Rodgers and they’re looking for a guest role in Pitch Perfect 3. Jordan gets everyone silly hats to wear because it’s his family tradition to make fun of each other. Do you think that’s why Aaron doesn’t talk to his fam? Because they forced him to wear a Mrs. Nesbitt hat at the dinner table so they could laugh in his face? It seems like an ironclad theory at this point.

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JoJo’s mom has had enough of giggle time because she drags Jordan aside immediately to find out if he’s a playboy. Soraya (didn’t know that was her name until they finally flashed that lower third) grabs Jordan’s hand and makes him promise not to break his daughter’s heart. He responds, before or after I ink a sportscaster deal with ESPN? Soraya then expresses her concerns that Jordan would make her daughter feel insecure AF because, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?!” Um, I’m just spitballing here but…Aaron? After talking a BIG game about how important it was for him to ask JoJo’s dad’s for her hand, he chokes real hard and skips on outta there blessing-free.

Robby Lays it on Thick

I don’t know if anyone has heard yet, but Robby loves JoJo. Naturally within 30 seconds of meeting her family he has to tell the detailed story of their date in Uruguay and how he just KNEW that he loved her, and how he hasn’t stfu about it since.

In great family advice, JoJo’s brothers remind her that she’s not picking her new years eve date. No seriously, this is basically all they added to this episode. WHERE ARE THE SASSY BROS OF BEN’S SEASON? They’re dead to me, now. JoJo’s mom didn’t even take a SIP of wine from the bottle. Instead she said things like, “Make JoJo the queen of your heart.” Okay, girl. Maybe you did slip some wine in between takes.

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Robby pulls both parents in to ask for the proposal blessing and uses JOELLE so he’s suuuper serious. It’s the cheesiest and most scripted speech ever. It is in between his cliché lines about lifetime love that grows that I truly discover who Robby is. He’s Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver. He flashes those pearly whites and turns it on for the parents, kissing ass and using full names. What a little weiner. Unfortunately JoJo’s dad falls for it and is eager to blow up his daughter’s spot by telling Robby she totally loves him. Then JoJo’s dad boohoos because someone loves his daughter.

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When JoJo asks for her family’s opinions, they can’t suck Eddie, I mean Robby’s D harder. Papa Fletch is all, “Robby’s the kind of guy you want your daughter to end up with,” I’m assuming because he’s gay, and not a threat. Once JoJo learns everyone is Team Robby she’s like WTF you guys were supposed to pick Jordan! It could not have been more of a classic case of asking someone’s opinion and then when they don’t give you the one you want, you cry about it. So that’s what JoJo did. She cried and said she was confused and can’t pick. JoJo’s sister, who is present the entire time, doesn’t breathe a word. Is she being held hostage?

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Beach Day with Robby

Robby uses his last date to strengthen my hate for him. His opening line is, “Today’s my last day before I propose to Jo.” STOP CHANGING HER NAME. PICK ONE NICKNAME AND STICK WITH IT. Meanwhile, the camera man dives directly into JoJo’s nipples as she strips down to her bikini in preparation of using Thailand’s waters as a lubricant. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, YOU PERVS. I could’ve done without facebombing into JoJo’s ample cleavage. We get that enough with each rose ceremony sparkly skintight dress, amirite? To prove that Robby’s not just after JoJo for her body—because he thinks boobs are icky—he paints a picture of what their future would look like. It’s mostly right from a sitcom complete with a bundle of kiddies and a burnt meatloaf. Oh, and wine to make them forget that this is their life as a married couple. Sounds riveting. I’m one year younger than JoJo and if a guy I met a week earlier brought up cooking meatloaf and having kids screaming in the background as our future I would drown myself directly in the Andaman Sea. (BOOM. GEOGRAPHY.) I obviously had to google a map for that reference but whatever.

Anyway, two weeks of vacation really flies by when you’re smooching 27 guys and traveling the world. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! Since it’s been so long since they first met, Robby and JoJo reminisce over 4×6’s of their dates. Robby really wants to hear JoJo say I love you. Too bad, so sad!

Pirating with Jordan

Jojo takes in the sights and feels like this is something she would’ve seen on National Geographic. Don’t try to fool us that you watch anything other than MTV, JoJosephina. The J’s have a serious chat about how Jordan didn’t ask JoJo’s dad for her hand. He just didn’t think it felt right and he won’t ask until he knows it’s a hard yes. JoJo is confused. This is the part in the episode where they make it seem like JoJo isn’t going to pick Jordan. Jordan spends the whole evening portion convincing JoJo he wants her for life and regretting not asking her dad. I consider writing ABC a letter convincing them that all this could’ve been accomplished in a one hour slot.

Neil Lane’s Time to Shine

Jordan (after being shamed so hard) calls JoJo’s parents to ask permission via speakerphone. SO warm and sincere. Then he writes JoJo a notebook style letter and they each take a turn reading it, voiceover style as Jordan coiffed his hair and lint brushes his suit. Robby writes a dumb letter too. Apparently we’re getting into “hit you over the head” notebook reference territory. For the record, a note written on loose leaf on reality TV doesn’t even hold a candle to “I love you, I’ll be seeing you.” So stop trying to make it happen! JoJo reads both and cries declaring she’s having a panic attack.

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If you say it, it’s probably not true. I learned that old trick from my brother in law. Anytime I choke on my food (probably because I’m eating it too fast) and cough out “I’m choking”, he’s quick to point out that if I’m talking then I’m breathing and therefore not choking. Facts only. That’s not a panic attack, JoJo. That’s called feeling bad about dumping a human Ken doll on national television.

SURE ENOUGH, Robby’s out of the limo first. BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

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JoJo can’t let Robby get down on his knee, so she stops him to sob and tell him she doesn’t want to do this but BOY, BYE. She hasn’t improved one inch at dumping this whole season. JoJo’s heart is PHYSICALLY hurting after that breakup. Of course she already immediately misses him once he leaves.

Jordan shows up as JoJo is still crying a little bit over Robby. One of them declares that love doesn’t need to have scripts…which is nice but this one totally does. She loves him, he loves her, she slides that Neil cushion cut right on her ring fing and then makes a lot of sex moans while they smooch and cuddle. Jordan effortlessly flips her into his arms for a quick jog on the beach as he tells us about “our life” together. OUR IS PLURAL, JORDAN. IT’S LIVES. I let it slide once, but I cannot.

 

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS

  • Robby painfully asks JoJo several times why she didn’t love him as much as Jordan. It’s sad and cringeworthy. Take a hint, bruh. They cut to Jordan backstage primping his hair and it’s EMBARRASSING. Real talk though: I wonder if Jordan’s hair gets wet in the shower.

  • There’s a slight tease at the next Bachelor just so Chad can get up to point out that his mom died and he’s a marine and he too, deserves love. Chris says how about no? We don’t get a Bachelor announcement, so this after show was worthless.
  • JoJo looks hot AF in a sassy pony. Her and Jordan have gone through some hard times because of all the rumors. Their shelf life is end of BIP and that’s pretty obvious.

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  • Jordan continues to dodge all further questioning about GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS. It didn’t matter if he said anything because Chris Harrison used that title in full roughly 15 times throughout the episode to get viewers to watch the entire after show. What a con artist. I hope GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS sues the franchise.
  • JoJo and Jordan are moving in together in Dallas. For now. But more importantly, ABC is sending them back to PENNSYLFUCKINGVANIA. Seriously?! Out of all the places they could go, this is the prize? JoJo squeals in glee. I don’t understand anything. I wish these two nothing but fame.
  • Chris Harrison points out that Ben and Lauren are there no less than 100 times, to remind us that they’re still together and also that they have a reality show coming to the tween network very soon.

PS big ups to JoJo and Jordan for patting themselves on the back for not spoiling the results via Snapchat like Kaitlyn, yet forgetting to mention that this mouth-breathing dum dum did it for them when he gave an interview and revealed that JoJo gets along great with the whole family.

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HOW ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DO INTERVIEWS MID-SEASON? Anyway, see you next season for The Bachelor with Luke. Not Luke Rodgers. THIS Luke.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Chad Tells All

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“Think about your thoughts before you say them.”

Welcome to Chad’s long-awaited return. Also welcome to a Salty Ju who endulged in Happy Hour on an empty tummy. If we’re being honest, last night’s show was more of a hot mess than me being semi-drunk alone on my couch. And that’s saying something. Let’s get right to it.

The cast of characters is the usual, Derek, Alex, Vinny, St. Nick, James (et. al.), Wells, Damn Daniel, Ali (?), Chase, Luke…then things start to get real ridiculous. We’ve got the Bachelor superfan (don’t know his name), the Asian with a kilt who referenced his dick size on night one and immediately was sent home, and Brandon—the “hipster.” Except, what’s that? Brandon took a pair of kitchen shears to his mullet and now that he has short hair, CAN WE STILL CALL HIM A HIPSTER? That’s what should’ve been the debate of the night. He midas whale be going for the full Jordan Rodgers at this point. That’s SO anti-hipster. Kind of like a Jersey barber getting ROASTED on twitter for his horizontal forehead hairdo and trying to grow out the flop for his next televised appearance. Did he eat Rogaine at the same pace that Chad guzzles ‘roids once he saw the feedback on his head?

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The best part about this was that 90% through the show, Vinny’s like, “Hey JoJo, you like my flow?” Uhhhh WE NOTICED, VINNY. Anyway, we’ll get back to the Mama’s boy later but first, Evan would like to kick off the show by talking about how stunned by JoJo’s beauty he was on night one. All he could say was “God bless America.” Well, that and, who’s paying for my ripped shirt that was provided by production? SERIOUSLY who’s paying?!

JK he didn’t bring up the cotton tee yet, but there was chitchat about the the Chad vs. Alex vs. Derek conflict, which apparently comes down to everyone being soldiers. I’m not sure why we need to drag America into this but I don’t think it appreciates being a part of this narrative. Wells calls Alex an American hero who only knows how to fight. Luke speaks up like a diplomat and is all, I was in the army as well, and everyone deals with it differently. For instance, Luke dealt with war by becoming a sexy but respectful cowboy. Naturally all conversation directs back to Chad and how even though he also is a vet, he’s just a plain asshole. Guess the soldier argument doesn’t really hold up now, does it? Thank you for your input, Wells. May I remind you that you had the “never been kissed” storyline this season.

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ABC brings Chad in like the villain in the wild west, complete with whistling. DON’T RUIN THIS FOR ME. Chad is quite literally the only thing I have left to grasp onto this season. As they play his season highlight reel, Chad giggles non-stop. It’s his boy-like wonder and glee as he watches himself yell about tossing torsos in the pool that makes me feel alive. Then he opens his mouth. And it gets 10x better. He uses a biddy voice to make fun of all the contestants for coming in like, “I just wanna know more about JoJo” and fires at any bro with a rebuttal that he has dirt on them. But really though… THAT’S ON THEM. Don’t speak up unless you want Chad to dig your grave and that’s preetttyyy obvious. Speaking of dirt, Chad’s been hangin and bangin with both Robby and Grant’s ex girlfriends since he’s left the show. He started talking to these chicks to prove that not all Bachelorette contestants are d-bags. This in itself is a phenomenal idea for a new show. Dating the girls left behind. I’d like Quinn King and Rachel Goldberg to produce it, stat. Chet can be involved too, if he really wants. No but actually. I need to see a live feed of Chad juggling Hope and Jen as he convinces each chick that every one of their dates needs to be ‘grammed so they can tag their ex-boyfriends. Sex tapes pending. Propsicles to Chris Harrison for asking if Chad’s been “intimate” with these women though. Dude. Where’s this forward line of questioning after the Fantasy Suites?!

St. Nick/the man who coined “Jo Jo Jo” in a santa suit/the guy who did this:

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has had enough. He’d like to spar with Chad in the middle of the soundstage. Chad doesn’t want to because they’re both wearing dress shoes and that would be a slippery mess. Don’t be an idiot, Santa. St. Nick promptly returns to the North Pole to tell the elves to invent non-stick dress shoes for his next MMA opp with Chad. Then Derek tries to speak up but his pocket square doesn’t even match his shirt so his opinion is irrelevant. Also side note: every person on this planet except me caught you bustin out those buttons, Der. Double also: they didn’t even make Derek watch himself sob in Argentina and I’m still pretty mad about it.

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Now it’s time for Chad vs Evan and a literal play by play of the shirt tear heard round the world. Evan claims he’s shaking everyone’s hands but he actually was pushing Chad, which provoked a real rip of that tee. And justice is served. Take that gofundme down because Evan doesn’t DESERVE to get a new t-shirt. I mean, THE NERVE.

Luke still loves JoJo and says that his pain making JoJo happy is all worth it. Yeah he’s a shoe-in for the next Bachelor. Chris Harrison brings up Luke’s military times and losing his close friends. Thanks for that downer, Chris, ya dick. On the up side, Luke is single and ready to mingle currently…with 28 new ladies. WINK WINK. As if that wasn’t obvious enough, Chris takes it further by saying, “It seems like you’re ready to love again.” WOW Chris, way to be discreet about it. Should’ve just had him sign the Bachelor contract on-air if you were going to drive the point home that much. On the flip side, Chase doesn’t regret saying I love you, cause JoJo taught him how to say feelings. Also quick reminder: he didn’t get any booty.

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Who’s the next bachelor? *Raises hand slowly*

Both men present an excellent case when JoJo comes out as they slobber all over her and thank her for the experience. Luke thanks JoJo for letting him love her. (Hearts flutter, vagina’s sigh.) Chase wants to know why he got a fantasy suite card just to get dumped. Ok, Nick Viall. He also adds that he’s thankful and JoJo shouldn’t feel guilty about how they ended things. Hey Chase, no hard feelsies, but it’s no competition. But seriously, no hard feelsies because producers making you watch that breakup back live is BRUTAL.

JoJo looks like a complete smokeshow and I’m pretty positive she was paid to give a shout out to kilt boy as she walked onto the stage. That’s literally the only reason he is present. scottishasianIn other men trying to squeeze their five minutes dry, James Taylor wants to take a moment to say that in a world where we have dating apps and we can “pick the chicks that are the prettiest and the most smart, ” he’s #blessed to have dated JoJo, who is the prettiest and the most sincere …but obviously not the “most smart.” Hey French Fry Mouth, it’s “SMARTEST.”

Chad takes his time to remind JoJo that her bottom two consist of a guy who dumped his girlfriend a week before the show and a guy whose famous QB brother doesn’t speak to him. Both valid points. In fact, I’m wondering if Chad ripped this directly from my recap last night. JoJo refuses to respond because Chad thrives off of backlash. Not our fault girl is blinded by the truth. A bunch of other guys including lil Al suck JoJo’s nip with compliments and Chad just grins ear to ear in the corner. We get it, you all love JoJo and want to extend your reality TV careers for as long as possible. Joke’s on you because Chad will probably be on TV for the next ten years. That’s not me talking, that’s this grand country of ours that puts batshit crazies on an island to bang each other every summer for Bachelor in Paradise.

In a last ditch bit, Vinny’s motha emerges from the crowd to scold JoJo. This is a woman straight out of Mob Wives, a blonde Big Ange, (may she rest in peace) if you will.

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Dripping in a choker and her Jersey accent, Mama Vinny tells JoJo that she made a mistake and her son is the greatest gift to this earth. JoJo says Vinny was her BFF in the house. What every man wants to hear.

The grand finale is some bloopers of JoJo swatting bugs away. SoOoO interesting. Then finally, it shows JoJo hysterically crying and trying to get a dog to say hello to her. The dog keeps walking. I can’t emphasize this enough when I say that this is every single interaction I’ve ever had with a dog. I immediately run to pet every dog I’ve ever seen/snuggle them and they run as fast as they can away from me. WHATEVER DOGZ. I just want to love you. Is this a metaphor for JoJo’s love life? I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW. Just kidding, tune in next week for the 100 hour finale where she pretends she can’t make a decision but somehow she picks Jordan. Did I spoil it? No, no I did not because I can’t live in a world where Robby wins this.

 

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The Bachelorette- A Double Kick in the Nuts

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“I got a fantasy suite card and then I got sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger that JoJo might send her everlasting Nicholas Sparks character home and sPoILeR alert: she did. And that’s when I checked right on out of this season.

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In this scenario, this entire season was the white dog crap and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, JOJO. Luke stutters about seeing a future with her and thinking the magic was real like a wounded baby bird. JoJo is the crusher of all dreams and magic and I nearly reached toward my TV to give Luke a hug. It cut even deeper when his parting words were, “I’m sorry.” DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER, LUKE!!! YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A PERFECT COWBOY STRAIGHT OUT OF AN EROTICA. JoJo sobs and says she misses him already. TOUGH LUCK, B. (If it wasn’t a trillion times obvious, Luke is top dog for The Bachelor now.)

Thailand

JoJo prays that this week of boning brings her clarity. Girl doesn’t need clarity because by narrowing it down to a guy whose probably gay, a guy who didn’t speak all season, and a famous-adjacent stud, I THINK WE ALL HAVE CLARITY on who she’s gonna give the final rose to.

ROBBY

It rains while Robby and JoJo get Thai massages. There is no happy ending. Later, Robby shows JoJo a letter that his dad snuck into his pants during the home visit. It basically says “You rock, don’t eva change. Love, Dad.” Robby wants JoJo to keep this probably forged letter to show her that his feelings are real. And to remind her that Robby’s “THE MAN!” He gets an invite to sleepover in her mouth. I close my eyes and ears. JoJo claims she’s in love with Robby.

JORDAN

Jordan and JoJo hike to a temple. JoJo modestly covers her shoulders to respect the tradition of Thailand. Her junderwear is totes fine though. Super conservative. It’s a true test of restraint when the two aren’t allowed to kiss in the temple considering just last week they conducted a real moanfest in a library full of high school kids. Instead they talk about JoJo’s parents and brothers…boner killllll. They’re coming out next week to meet the final two and Jordan can’t wait to show how much he loves JoJo. I’m appalled that it took this long for a JoBro’s cameo. Even farmer Chris’s country sisters with Kate Plus Eight haircuts had guest appearances during his season, and they had faces for radio. The bros BETTER deliver next week.

During dinner, JoJo freaks out because when she asks Jordan where he sees himself in a year, he’s like dunno! I guess it’s a turn off that her man doesn’t have a job. Makes total sense since she’s falling in love with a former swimmer and a former quarterback. Aim high. Also, of course she loves Jordan too. But she refuses to pull a Higgins and keeps her lips zipped. She does not, however, keep her pants zipped (I know, girl never wears pants, just go with the metaphor…it flows better) because Jordan gets dat fantasy suite. The morning after, JoJo recycles the same line she used on Robby, “we’re eating our first breakfast together!!!!!” So that’s really authentic. The producers give us gratuitous shots of Jordan shirtless on his balcony and as I believe the great Quinn King once said, the panties of America drip in unison.

CHASE

JoJo thinks Chase is SUPER playful because he pretends to eat a dead fish. Lolerz. That Chase! He always has some goofy bit up his sleeve! Chase s l o w l y tells us how JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable. Someone’s thirsty AF for that fantasy suite. They frolic and dry hump in the water.

Robby steals time during the day of Chase, essentially just to further make me want to vomit. He just missed JoJo so much. He also needed a little more screen time to workshop what he should call her. We’ve gotten a variety of Jo, Joelle, Joj and it’s getting cringeworthy watching him figure out which nickname feels right. Answer: none of them. Pls take your glowing teeth and go away, Robby.

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After Robby interruptus, Chase reads the fantasy suite card because we haven’t heard it read aloud twice already this episode. It’s about as necessary as Chris Harrison entering every single week just to remind us that we’re on the last rose. At any rate, in the suite, Chase tells JoJo that he loves her and he admits he’s never said that to someone first before and with that, sealed his fate to leave Thailand and all it’s fishy smell behind. Lookin at you, JoJo. No but seriously, vag jokes aside, JoJo promptly breaks up with Chase. No booty for him. And if you’re looking for a little #MotivationMonday, look no further than Chases’ response: “So now love equals get the fuck out?” Golf clap. Enjoy your years of therapy, Chaseroni. JoJo sobs of course then follows him out to the car, refusing to let him leave on his own terms. After watching this 40 minutes earlier with Luke, I’ve had just about enough with JoJo’s breakup tactic. The guys aren’t supposed to comfort you when you’re breaking up with them, JoJo. That’s not how this works. Cut the cord and let Chase enjoy his road soda in peace.

 

Rose Ceremony 2.0

And the battle of the tight ankle pants and fluffy hair commences. I mean seriously, could these two do anything to stand out? They’re wearing matching G-D blue and khaki outfits like they work at the resort. Even Chase gets the memo as he interrupts JoJo’s soliloquy about dumping him. Chase isn’t back to ask for a second chance, he just wants to secure his place in the running for The Bachelor. If he ousts Luke for the title, there’s no telling what I’ll do. (I’ll watch the season and make fun of him every week, obviously.) Anyway, Chase leaves again and JoJo returns to use her annoying baby voice to give out both roses to her twin boyfriends.

 

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Now let’s all get ready for what’s really important…the return of Chad in all his torso-tossing glory to our TV’s.

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The Bachelorette- The One Without Aaron Rodgers

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“I know that Aaron won’t be there, but I’m excited to meet everyone else.”-The greatest lie ever told.

It’s time to hit up those hometowns and see how JoJo will adapt her style to each part of the country and what sibling will say something inapprops…spoiler alert: it won’t be THAT famous footballer. But first, let’s check in with Chase who’s managed to cling on to his spot in the final four despite lacking a personality. Looks are everything.

Chase: Highlands Ranch, CO

Chase and JoJo chitchat on a rock in the picturesque mountains about Chase’s parents and their messy divorce. It’s tough for Chase to talk about but JoJo rewards him with some tongue. The parents have to meet JoJo separately (in the same house?) so they don’t kill each other, Lifetime movie style. Chase goes on and on about how his dad wasn’t around much growing up but as soon as he sees him, he’s all up in his shit and tells dear old dad that he wants to be just like him. Hey Chase,

Then he asks how to not get divorced and kicks JoJo out so he can have a catch with his dad or something. If you thought that was touching then I’ll fix that real quick with an inspirational quote courtesy of Chases’ mom. It goes a little something like, “If you’re not having fun then you just need to have fun…cause…” Gr8 point. JoJo couldn’t agree more though because she wants to be gal pals with Chase’s mom SAH bad. The feeling is mutche because the mom gives JoJo a rave review—cause JoJo loves dogs and hates fish. WIFEY MATERIAL. Chase talks about how hard it is to say I love you since the big D (divorce, ya pervs), which makes it that much more cringeworthy when he FINALLY tells JoJo because we know he ain’t winnin. Also Chase and his mom cry a lot—which totes isn’t their style but now it is because they just did it on national TV.

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Jordan: Chico, CA

JoJo’s never heard of Chico, California but they have DEER! I thought I was watching Kaitlyn flap away from a bird in terror until I figured out those were JoJo’s flailing arms of glee just because some deer were playing in a park. Jordan takes her back to his high school where he obviously was the kewl and popular football player. They make out in the library and JoJo groans a lot. It seems particularly inappropriate until Jordan leads her to what I assume is an athletic office or football locker room covered from wall to wall in old pictures of high school football players. Look, I’m not not hinting at chomo vibes but I feel like in general we should all be more concerned about this shrine to football players past, featuring all the Rodgers bros. JoJo’s like oh, look your brother (he who shall not be named) and Jordan’s like k let’s go, date’s over. Jk he wasn’t that dramats but he did refuse to discuss it. JoJo tables it until she can approach every member of the family regarding the forgotten (yet most famous) Rodgers bruh.

Once JoJo meets the entire fam (but not REALLY the entire fam), Jordan’s mom, who could easily be a massage therapist with that soothing voice, tells stories of how Jordan was the spicy child who threatened to run away when he was little. What kid hasn’t threatened to run away? I did once and my parents were like cool, it’ll save us some money, good luck ya little turd. Anyway, JoJo hammers Luke about the Aaron sitch and Luke won’t speak of their brother that is dead to them either. Such a dramatic group. More importantly, what’s the best way to take the frontrunner with the fluffy hair down a peg or two? Show a pic of him as a serial killer.

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In summary: Aaron may not have been there physically, but JoJo made sure his presence was felt by the NUMBER of times she dropped his name. Also, she still has doubts that Jordan is a playyyaaaaaa and won’t want forever. Double also: Luke is trying to have the same hair as Jordan. Sucks2Suck Aaron, you’re not in the Rodgers swoopy hair club, YOU LOSER.

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Robby: St. Augustine, FL

Ugh. Robby’s still here. They take a carriage ride and every time Robby speaks I want to shut my ears off. JoJo is concerned that she’s just filling the void of his ex-girlfriend who he dropped like a month before filming. Burn city from Robby though shitting on his ex and saying he hasn’t thought about his relationship or missed her once. Woof.

Robby and JoJo walk into the house like they’re f’ing Mr & Mrs Claus with the number of gifts they’re holding. No wonder every cousin, friend or neighbor Robby has ever spoken to is there. Then Robby the frozen Ken doll turns melodramatic real quick. You know how much sleep Robby’s gotten? 0. You know how many panic attacks he’s had? A LOT GUYS. A LOT. JoJo tells his mom that she’s falling in love with him, which is stupid. Since Robby’s entire existence on this show revolves around his ex-GF, his mom breaks the news that there are rumors he dumped her for the show. Robby runs in to tell JoJo what APPARENTLY happened. I wish I was drinking wine instead of crushing a bowl of ice cream because I would’ve been so drunk off of the apparently drinking game. JoJo obviously freaks the F out because she was already worried about this. Robby reassures her that it’s all lies all while managing to trash Hope again by saying their relationship was over 9 months before it really ended. JoJo forgives him or whatever.

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Luke: Burnet, TX

JoJo is wearing cutoffs and cowboy boots for her return to her roots, or a basic bitch country concert. Either way I think we can all agree that Texas JoJo is the hottest JoJo. Even Luke keeps bringing up how her outfit makes his pants tight…which could be awkward considering that he surprised JoJo by throwing a backyard hootinannny with 50 of his closest friends. JoJo really jacks up her southern drawl because Texas Forever. Luke’s sister is a smokeshow, fist bumps to the Pell parents for creating that gene pool.

And then the real movie begins. Luke pulls JoJo away to tell her that he wants their future together. “I want us” he drawls as he pulls her in for a deep kiss while the sun sets on the farm. Is this a G-D scene from The Longest Ride? Interns set up a walkway of candles to a flower heart so that Luke can have his movie magic moment for when he tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. There’s not a dry pair of undies in the world. Except apparently for JoJo’s as she declares at the rose ceremony that Luke’s gotta go. WHAT?! Are we missing something?! That Texas hunk must’ve gotten a producer tip that he’s on the chopping block and pulls JoJo aside right away to tell her he loves her. Well played, bro.

JoJo then has a Grade A bachelorette meltdown (in a dress fit for a Vegas ice dancer) because now she doesn’t know who to send home. WHO IS GOING TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND? WHAT IF SHE MAKES THE WRONG DECISION? She just DOESN’T know!!! I know! Pick Luke, you big idiot. He’s a southern gent who lives in the same state as you and hasn’t said one wrong thing this entire season. Don’t be a moron. But of course we’ll have to wait until next week to find out THE BIG DECISION of who will be gettin’ some in a Sandals resort suite. Big ups for whoever decided to give us a double whammy next week  with sex on Monday night and Chad on Tuesday night. That better make up for this to be continued garbage.

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The Bachelorette- Not Anybody’s Goocho

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It’s been a couple of weeks but we’re still in Buenos Aires and unfortunately last episode’s bitch rose ceremony wasn’t all a dream and Alex and James still squeaked through with pity roses. Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by stopping by to tell the boys how many dates there will be this week. Good work, Chris. Alex can CTFD because he finally got his one on one. Or in Chases’ words: dude, shut up. Stop bitching. I like Chase. He can kick it for a while.

I Gaucho On My Mind with Alex

On their “road trip” aka cab ride, they have a thumb war (JoJo loves a good thumb war), do Pringles duck lips aaand JoJo says it’s like sharing the backseat with her little brother. She didn’t say little but…come on. She also didn’t outright say brother, but we all knew it. At one point Alex horribly tries to rap and she’s like k let’s play the quiet game.

The boys have to take a bus to wherever it is that they’re going. They get road sodas though, so it’s ok. Robby is wearing white old woman open toed slippers. So he’s really dressed for the ride. Definitely gave him mad street cred when the bros started freestyling about Alex needing a stool to get into a sidecar. OooOoh THIRD DEGREE BURN courtesy of white boys rappin.

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On the date, they arrive at a Spanish word for ranch…at least JoJo thinks that’s what it means. WHERE ARE THE CUE CARDS, GUYS?! I didn’t know what Gauchos actually are but I shot out some T’s and P’s that they weren’t referring to the extra wide stretchy pants that I found approps to wear to Easter dinner with kitten heels in 2007. It turns out, it was worse than I imagined. A gaucho is someone who’s born to stroke horses and maybe sneak a kiss in too.

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Producers force Alex to dress the part, as if he’s not still reeling from getting a pity rose. JoJo throws on a pair of suede leggings and calls Alex a “cute little gaucho” and that’s pretty much when I declared it was curtains for Alex. The two lil goocho’s snuggle and make out on top of the horse that has just been stroked and might actually be dead. I wondered how it was that I ended up in the bestiality section of YouJizz. It would be kewl if going forward, JoJo didn’t use a horse as a bed.

After the horse has been dragged away to the glue factory, Alex tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and then adds in that he fell in love with her the second he saw her, which is laying it on real thick. Let’s T it down Alex, you were put on this show to rival Chad and by God’s grace you clung on until now. It was crickets city from JoJo and we all know that we’ve reached the point of no return. She’s not feelin it because she has more chemistry with her brothers than she has with lil Al and feels it’s more respectful to send him home now. Realistically it would’ve been more respectful to all of us if she didn’t ask him to kiss her while lying on a lifeless horse, but who am I to judge. Alex takes it really well. Jk he leaves angry, kind of like how he spent this entire season.

 Let’s Toast to Love with Jordan

Jordan gets the romantic wine country date and if it’s not obvious at this point that he’s one half of the bottom two, then we haven’t been watching the same show. They grape stomp but no one falls and screams so it’s actually not entertaining at all. (Had to sneak this in because it still makes me laugh to the point of tears. Sorry not sorry.)

JoJo gets into Jordan’s barrel because she can’t stand to not be touching him at all times. I’m fine with that because I would’ve done the same. What I’m not okay with is when they go ahead and drink each other’s chunky feet grapes. AND THEY LIKED IT. I’m appalled and disgusted until I realize that they probably think it’s wine. If you could make wine just from doing the running man over some grapes, I would turn my kitchen into a G-D vineyard. JoJo was probably like oohhh I’m feelin it, that wine was strong! As she chews on a mushy grape. Feeling the high from those toe jam grapes, they hop into the conveniently placed vineyard hot tub. Jordan wants JoJo to meet his mama. That’s what he’s thinking about as they grind their wet bodies on each other in the hot water.

Later, Jordan brings up double A for the first time this season basically. And it comes out that he doesn’t have a relationship with Aaron, which I’m sure is really good press for his more famous bro to have your family saying you don’t spend any time with them. Cliff notes version: According to Jordan no one talks to Aaron and he’s all sorts of F’ed up after living life in Aaron’s shadow. I wonder if this is why Jordan felt the need to have swoopy hair. ~~Livin in, livin in, livin in the ShAdOw~~

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Even though that was some juicy celeb gossip to air all over television, what was more entertaining was the way Jordan introduced the topic by saying, you won’t be meeting my middle brother and JoJo puts on a calm & cool performance of a lifetime with her response, “you mean, Aaron?” Oh IDK, is that his name, JoJo?! Every viewer groans at the thought of no Aaron or Olivia appearances on next week’s hometown visit. Oh yeah, and Jordan says he is “so in love with JoJo.” JoJo’s basically like, samesies.

Let Our Love Soar with Chase, James, Robby

The weather forecast ruins the date that probably was never planned for the three “other guys”. James Tay stops talking for just enough time to shove 100 french fries in his yapper because that’s how you get girls. I shed a tear for so many wasted fries and had to physically stop myself from doing a McD’s run for some of my own. The rest is an 8th grade slumber party. The only thing missing was a choreographed dance and Bonnebell glitter rollerballs. In truth or dare, Robby’s dared to run the hallway in his undies…YAWN. We saw more skin on Damn Daniel when he stripped to a speedo on night one. James feels threatened by Robby’s Ken doll abs, so he narcs to JoJo about Robby’s wandering eye. It pretty much backfires when James gets the bottom of the bed for their group snuggle.

JoJo asks Robby about his ex who he dated for three years. They broke up over Christmas break, because apparently Robby is still in college. Even though they just broke up like 2 months before filming, he’s totes over it. Chase “really, really likes” JoJo and does want to spend the rest of his life with her. Cause marriage is totes the result of xoxo’ing someone in your aim profile, which is essentially what Chase just declared. James Tay wants to know why it feels like there’s no chemistry between them and JoJo spins a web of lies that’s like you’re really nice and you like me so our relationship is great. What James misses is what she doesn’t say and that’s “I’m not attracted to you.” It’s unfortunate that he misinterprets that and feels so confident because it’s crystal clear that he’s outtie five thou in the next rose ceremony.

The boys debate who will get roses and it turns into a heated argument about how each guy should think they’re a frontrunner or GTFO. I don’t know who deemed Robby the Coach Taylor in this scenario, but I could’ve done without his pre-rose pep talk. Robby the self-proclaimed frontrunner gets the rose and I’m never more turned off than I am when watching him and JoJo smooch. I’ll give him one more week before I riot.

Horse Play with Luke

As is typs for her dates with Luke, JoJo is horned up for everything that he does. The way he handles the horses, how he shoots, how he coaches her to shoot, she just can’t. She CANNOT stop soaking her undies. Luke shares that he doesn’t have an LP after this show but he’d like to figure it out with JoJo and she’s all about that because she knows that every Bach alum ends up being paid to make appearances for the rest of their lives, so that works best when someone isn’t tied down to a career. It also opens the door for Luke to become the next Bachelor should he be left hanging in the finale. Wink.Well played, Luke.

Rose Ceremony

Robby, Luke, Jordan, Chase

(You think maybe James is rethinking the whole deepthroating a plate full of fries tactic?)

Since ABC likes to toe the line (Robby mooned us, LOL OMG) there’s a bonus scene during the credits of a closed door with JoJo moaning on and on about how good that feels. PSYCH GUYS, IT’S JUST HER GETTING A HEAD MASSAGE!! LOLOLOL but seriously though remember when Kaitlyn O’ed with a mic pack still on? Get on her level, JoJo. No more of this Disney play with my hair shit. When the door is closed I expect you to be getting some.

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The Bachelorette- Derek Cries for Argentina, A Lot

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We have arrived in Buenos Aires: Where men in berets ride donkeys (probably to work), also where JoJo wears a skintight red dress, and open white trench coat while petting strange dogs in a park. She’s one with culture.

Besame, Besame, Muchacho with Wells

Wells admits he’s the only one who hasn’t kissed JoJo and essentially gives every other guy a chance to judge him real hard and razz him in front of JoJo, which is basically social suicide. The boys spend FAR too long talking about how much smooch pressure there is. And Wells admits he was waiting for the perfect moment to kiss JoJo, thus putting TONS of pressure on it. I mean it’s totally sweet that Wells is thinking like a rom com, but we should probably quickly remind him that JoJo has been AGGRESSIVELY swapping spits with roughly 15 other guys the entire time she’s been dating Wells. Therefore, romance is dead. About as dead as being super awkward and anticipating a kiss on a performance art date. Finally, while sloshing around a see through pool together and weirdly slopping into each other, they kiss. THAT was the moment?! Rly? Anyway, later on, Wells gets sweaty and talks about his past relationship. He says obviously passion fades in relationships and JoJo is like uh uh honey. He does not get rosed. JoJo wah wahs about it while a dramatic montage of their date plays and she stands in the middle of a crowd while it rains. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Did JoJo suddenly step into a music video? We’ll never know. (Nor do I want to.)

Living La Vida Boca with Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex

James Tay and his jheri curl are feeling super self-conscious being surrounded by a bunch of babes with the same haircut. They play a little futbol with the locals where Jordan pulls his shirt over his head for a six-pack showdown and Alex immediately copies him because Alex is a tryhard. James makes a goal and gets to kiss JoJo in front of everyone and show the other bros you don’t need chiseled abs to get closed mouth kiss the girl…but like it doesn’t hurt your chances either.

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At the night portion of the date, camera one is specifically angled to catch JoJo’s wandering hand as it roams near Luke’s dick while they chat. He pours his heart out about how much he loves being on the show and JoJo just keeps caressing him and kissing him. GET THE HINT LUKE SHE WANTS TO BANG SO STOP TALKING. JoJo says she’s running out of words to describe the passion between her and Luke but she doesn’t really need words when we see his hand creeping up her skirt, and him grabbing a fistful of her ass plus the fact that she wouldn’t even let him speak without putting her hands in his lap. James uses his alone time with JoJo to bitch about Jordan giving the wrong rules to a card game or something. He goes on a rant about how Jordan’s a celebrity and everyone should bow down to him. Obviously he sounds like a whiny little b. Then he asks to kiss JoJo. I think James’ time has expired on this show. (To be clear I thought that week one but there were bigger fish to fry then ahem, Evan.) Naturally, JoJo immediately tattles to Jordan to ask what’s up with the card game kerfuffle because apparently her suitors live in a nursing home and fight over a game of Uno or something. Jordan says he’s not entitled as JoJo runs her fingers through his luscious locks. What’s great about this season is that we don’t need to guess who JoJo will be bringing to the fantasy suites because she physically can’t keep her hands off them, even when she’s pretending to have a serious conversation about their character. Jordan returns to sit on a tiny couch with James and swishes his white wine spritzer around in his glass at warp speed while everyone else has the uncomfies. Then after his wine has been thoroughly tossed, they have it out on baby couch. Agree to disagree on the rules of Poker, boys. Luke gets rosed.

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It Takes Two with Derek and Chase

Professional dancers perform a threesome tango and I’m pretty sure we saw the female dancers’ cooch, which was confirmed when the camera panned to Chase shouting “WHOA” with wide eyes. Must be his first peek at foreign vag. PS I went to a pole dancing class this weekend and the instructor kept saying cooch, so I’m bringing that back real hard. Since JoJo can’t decide who she wants to have relations with, she forces Chase and Derek to dance fight for her. This got me jazzed, imagining Center Stage’s final sassy dance, guessing who would be the one to ride the motorcycle onto the stage (Chase, obviously). Unfortunately, watching them push JoJo back and forth between two inches of space was the most anti-climatic thing I’ve ever had to watch. I kept waiting on the edge of my seat for them to bring down the house. Show us a little canned heat! Wag your finger at the boys when they get too grabby, JoJo! But nope, even though JoJo was wearing a red dress, it was certainly no Cooper-Jody-Charlie sensual showdown.

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VS.

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In one on one time, Derek tells JoJo he’s falling for her. On the other hand, Chase gets scolded for not giving JoJo’s feelings validation or reciprocation. Chase gets the rose. Makes sense, right? Derek has a suuuper depressing limo farewell with “I’m Derek and Derek is imperfect” and “WHY am I crying?!” cross-cut with a singer belting “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and Chase/JoJo touching all up on each other. Brava for the juxtaposition between Derek’s sopping wet tears and that song. BRAVA.

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Cocktail Party

Jordan takes her aside to say he should win this because he deserves to. JK he says he’s falling for her LIKE EVERYONE ELSE obviously. Alex says he was mad he hasn’t gotten a one on one or a group date rose yet. I’m mad Alex is still on this show.

Roses

Luke, Chase, Robbie, Jordan……DRAMATIC EXIT to tell Chris that they both suck and she doesn’t want to give this rose out. YAAASSSSS. BYE James & Alex! Luke & Jordan for the final two. Boooyahhhhh.

Those are all the celebratory words I typed before I realized that she was actually asking Chris for two roses to keep both of those turds around. Alex feels like he has a pity rose and HE’S NOT WRONG. CLEAN IT UP, JOJO. Stop trying to throw us off the scent that your bottom four will be Chase, Robby, Jordan and Luke. Also, turn up your gaydar a notch around Robby. Jus Sayin.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/20/16

1. She got an LA face with dat Oakland Booty. That movie where Blake Lively gets attacked by a shark has finally premiered, which means Blake is back in the spotlight showing off her bangin wardrobe/bod/life and making me drool uncontrollably. Enjoy her top looks from this week while I scheme ways to recreate all of them. PS she addressed her “controversial” insta caption of a rap lyric and was like all hail curves, na’sayin? Thank you Blake, for being a voice for all of those Oakland booties all over the world (me.)

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2. Solo Styles. I mean I guess this isn’t really news but Harry has signed a recording contract and will be the next to go SoLo. Hopefully he takes some notes from Zayn’s  sexual lyrics and amps it up a trillion billion. Although I’m not sure when he’ll find the time to lay down some tracks…maybe in between starring in Christopher Nolan films?

YAAASSS WWII HARRY. GIVE IT TO ME. Too much? Too little? Just enough?

3. Boring People Rewarded with Reality Show.

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Exsqueeze me? The most vanilla and boring couple of the Bachelor franchise is snagging a reality show…on ABC FAMILY?! I’m not going to lie to you when I say that I was irrationally heated about this when I heard the news. These two had a shelf life that was about to expire in the fall and instead they parlayed it into a year long contract with a network for tweens. So whateva, go ahead and cash in on your five minutes before you eventually break up but know that everyone in the world wished it was Shawn and Kaitlyn who got a reality show because they’re actually hilarious entertainers who should be paid just for their snap stories alone. Here’s a quick tip for the “future” Mr & Mrs Higgi, from a true TV addict, couples who move in together and instantly let cameras follow them around TEND NOT TO LAST. Also, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

4. PSA: Don’t mix xanies with cocktails mid-air.

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This is salacious gossip, which I don’t typically include on the JUice especially if it has to do with the well-being of someone but since Selma already apologized and it was just a quick mixup, I decided to use it as a PSA for anyone who is a nervous flyer like myself. Know how your Xanax cocktail will make you react before you drop it down your throat mid-flight. Cause everything could go swell and you take a 2 hour nap, or you could end up like Selma here, shouting about getting your vagina burned off and exiting the plane on a stretcher. Jus sayin. The more you know. Also don’t try to email your doc for a quick scrip of anxiety meds just for one vacation because it doesn’t work. My sister already tried. (The same sister who went to her Pediatrician until they promptly kicked her out at age 22.) Tough stuff, lesson learned. Click here for Selma’s apology.

5. I Wanna Be That Song, Brett.

Brett’s newest music video where he’s a sexy retro baseball player is all of the swoons. ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND.

 

BONUS: PLEASE tell me Missy will come back with more than a feature in a Ghostbusters theme song by FallOut Boy. Seriously. I need the misdemeanor back in my life pronto.

 

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Other Chad

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Chad’s Last Stand

The boys gather to toss Chad’s protein powder into the wind and Wells is the lead spokesperson? Huh? Has Wells said anything since he almost passed in his firefighter suit? James Taylor plays his guitar of course. And Even declares, “Chad has been eliminated by Alex.” Not confident he knows how the show actually works. Daniel lets Chad back in the house so the bros can form a circle around him like a captive audience nommin on cereal to hear all about his date. This ends in Chad and Jordan getting into a handshake fight. No seriously, I stopped listening but I know that there was a squeezed handshake and some power staring. 1, 2, 3, 4 I DECLARE A THUMB WAR. Chad spin moves out of the house and that’s all he wrote for the best character in Bach history. What a disappointing departure after all that whistling build up. The boys embrace Alex like he’s the MVP including cupcakes, party hats and a sparkler. These guys have WAY too much time on their hands.

Cocktail Party

Chase gets in a bubble with JoJo and it’s seriously pointless. Until JoJo flatlines Chase with one bump and that brings me pure joy. James F(?) Who has done nothing of substance for the past four weeks, read a poem to JoJo that was super dumb and she teared up. The mystery is solved, JoJo can absolutely cry on demand. There is no way that poem elicited emotion in her. Alex cuts his soliloquy off, which is almost as embarrassing as James F getting tossed immediately after writing prose for JoJo. Jordan saves the day with a quick toss of JoJo against the wall for a steamy makeout sesh, harlequin novel style to the soundtrack of mystery music. Evan spends the entire first half of the episode talking about Chad and the void that he’s left behind. It’s almost as if his only existence on this show was to antagonize Chad and then he questioned who he even was once Chad peaced outta that B. Side note: HOW IS HE STILL HERE?!

Roses: Jordan, Alex, Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T, Evan

Punta Del Este, Uruguay. Three cheers for the travel budget because “ORAGUAI WE’RE COMIN BABY!”-The guy with the horizontal line of hair across his forehead.

Thank God they showed us the cartoon plane flying from PA to Uruguay otherwise I would’ve literally never known where it was in the world.

Let’s Seal the Date with Jordan

The two love birds yacht it up and swim amongst seals, which seems pretty lame. I’m not asking them to go to an island of sea pigs and let them assault you, but if you’re going to be surrounded by adorbs seals, why not play catch with them too?

Back at the GRAND hotel, which in Robby’s words IS pretty grand. Vinny and his wannabe JT fedora trades in his binocs that he used to creep on Jordan/JoJo for a few gossip rags. Once they’re all done being jelly and comparing Jordan to Chad because he got a one on one and they didn’t, they start reading InTouch cover to cover. Apparently JoJo’s ex Chad, who you’ll recall sent her roses during her home visit with Ben, did a quickie tell all that said they were dating at the time she was filming last season. The bros are in uproar about JoJo still being in love with her ex. Don’t these morons know that nothing is true until it’s published in People? Bible. Also this was 100% planted because producers realized there was no story without the Chadbear. Always need a Chad to keep things interesting.

And on the date, playing with the very obviously written rumors theme, JoJo “met” one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends who warned her that he sucks at relationships and she needs to address it with him. How’s that possible when she meets the suitors during filming and can’t communicate with the outside world? Oh yeah this show is fake. My B. Jordan says he never cheated but he liked flirting with chicks. He confirms that he was immature and he’s ready now to get married to someone he doesn’t know. JoJo whines DON’T BE MAD AT ME because she tried to get to know him and build trust. Definitely something she should be apologizing for. He gets rosed.

Afterward, producers are like how’s your date? Who cares, here’s a slanderous story from your ex-boyfriend that we’ve given to the contestants to simmer with and confront you about. JoJo cries a lot and says he’s manipulative and an overall terrible person. She sobs real hard to the boys that she’s here for the right reasons. They’re all like OMG WE WOULD NEVER DOUBT THAT. K, whatevs.

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I Can’t Sand to Be Away From You with Luke Derek Chase Evan James Vinny Grant Wells Alex

The crew goes sand surfing, which actually looks really fun despite how gross and dirty sand is. The boys might as well be shouting JoJo WATCH THIS!! as they try tricks and flips in the sand to show off their mad skillz. Evan fears another gushing nose because he can’t handle life without bleeding out. Later they all use their one on one time to talk about this dumb planted InTouch story. Also apparently Alex hates Derek now and calls him an insecure little bitch for telling JoJo that he feels that their relationship needs validation. Literally what has Derek done to deserve such miniature-strength hate. Derek gets the rose.

Love is Within Our Reach with Robby

JoJo plays with a strange dog on the beach and I could honestly watch her play with this dog for the rest of an episode rather than have to watch Robby pretend he likes girls. They go around the city or something and jump off a cliff together and make out in a cave.

Robby tells a tale of how his best friend drove off a bridge a year ago. It inspired Robby to drop his girlfriend, move and quit his job. Seems pretty rash kind of like telling a girl he loves her like 1 week after meeting her. He does that though. And I curl into a ball of cringez. Her reply is “thank you so much”..and a rose.

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Alex and Chase gang up on Derek about how he got his rose, Chad style. No but really. Give it a rest, Alex. You’re moment to shine has passed, the minute your feet dangled from the couch.

Cocktail Party (Naht.)

Derek takes the boys (Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan) outside to tell them they’re acting like a high school clique. Alex tells him he’s being sensitive. Yes that’s right, the guy who made it his mission to go after Chad and wah-wah about everything he did, is calling someone else sensitive. This is so dramatic and lame. Thumbs down for everyone included in this man pow-wow. Joke’s on the high school kiddies because there’s no cocktail party…so that we can get back on track with one rose ceremony an episode HOPEFULLY.

Roses (again): Jordan, Derek, Robby, Luke, Chase, Alex, James, Wells

Evan cries. Grant’s ass looks good in his suit. Vinny cries. (about his hair?)

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But really though, Byebyebyebyebyeeeeee Evan! 

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