Met Gala Red Carpet 2024

MET MONDAAAAAAYYYYY, BABY! I don’t think I could ever top getting day drunk last year and blowing Hollywood to smithereens with my boozy hot takes. HOW-ev-ER, as always I’d like to puff up my credentials and nothing makes me more qualified to show up for this red carpet like I’m Anna Wintour than the compliment I received while rolling into Marshalls with a bag full of returns after I went too hard in the paint during Member Mornings* this weekend. *Member Mornings are exclusive VIP events for TJX cardholders like myself. As I breezed in, two Gen Z girlypops in baggy cargo pants and crop tops were exiting and one of them turned to me and casually remarked “I like your outfit.” And time stopped. I felt like I was soaring on the back of a bald eagle and then that bald eagle fell out of the sky as realization hit me that she was probably bullying me and the two of them in their claw clipped hair with their midriffs exposed for sure waited until I was out of earshot to cackle about me dressing like an Olsen Twin a mere week away from turning 33. The outfit in question:

Even Charlee is unimpressed. But guess what, motherfuckers? Those overalls were $20 at Marshall’s AND I was a chosen one for a $10 giftie at my v exclusive event so they were really $10 and I’m WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Eat your heart out, twenty-somethings, cause I’m gonna dress like I’m on All That until I’m six feet under and there’s nothing you or Dan Schneider can do about it.

So now that you’ve seen my couture, let’s get to it…this year’s theme was “The Garden of Time.” And might I say thank you for choosing a theme that I don’t have to google the meaning of cause bitch, I KNOW MY FLOWERS! So let’s get to steppin on judging Fashion’s biggest event.

It’s giving I’m the eldest boy energy but also angelic and I’m here for it.

KEWL NUDE PANTALOONS! Sexxxxyyyy. (And you KNOW that’s bullying because I wear full cotton briefs on the daily double and they’re still more flattering than this undercarriage disaster.)

I mean let’s call a spade a spade, nothing about this is on theme but damn I love a dreamy grey suit. V dapper.

What the actual fuck is happening here. It seems we’re carrying over last year’s theme of princess of darkness. And why are we getting underwear jammed down our throats again? Clean it up, Dua.

I’ll always have a weak spot for an aqua moment. She’s preggers and it’s a fairytale gown.

GLAM ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I would die for this giant clock briefcase. So smooth it hurts.

THIS SUCKS, GRETA. I’m gonna shit all over every dark cloak moment tonight because GARDEN is PASTELS AND FLORALS. None of this witchy shit.

This one doesn’t count and that’s obvious because LOOK AT THESE SPARKLY MIRROR FLOWERS. I could stare at these bedazzles foreva.

Well this is classy as hell. Business florals! The cherry on top of this elegant formalwear would OF COURSE be the Elizabeth James top hat veil.

I get that this belt costs more than my entire closet especially because I was raised a Maxxinista and I’ve never paid more than $24.99 for an item of clothing but my lord that is tacky as hell. And RIDING BOOTS?!

I would’ve rode harder for this if it was head to toe flowers but I’m not going to shade it because it’s not. I’m all in on the embroidered suit and dark frames.

This is actual trash and I’ve stared at it for WAY too long trying to decipher what these black shapes are supposed to be. I feel like I’m in an art museum being forced to describe a painting. So whether they’re supposed to be shaped as something or it’s abstract, it is hideous.

I always respect the hustle when someone goes there, but I’m confused about how Garden evoked Disney villain here. Seems like the antithesis to the theme and also if that’s your real hair PLEASE give us a peek at the before bed routine when you’ve turned your head into an actual birds nest. Would tune into that Instagram story like it’s appointment television. What can I say, I like to watch the world burn.

A leather poop suit and the streamers you hang as a backdrop for the poor man’s photobooth are not only off theme but also disgusting to look at. Go in time out. Both of you.

Adding a couple glitter flowers to this doesn’t make it better. Sick Lydia bangs though. Naht.

I’m praying this is the only ‘oopsie, I’m naked’ look of the night because I want to take this trend and shove it up the next girl’s cooch who does it. SINCE WHEN DID BEING FULLY NUDE BECOME FASHION? I’m so sick of seeing everyone’s slops yabs and pikachus. You could have the most beautiful body on this earth and I don’t care to see it fully on display like you’re a G-D French sculpture. This is America. And in America, we cover our bits when we’re in mixed company. Kindly get your buttcrack out of my face. I don’t want to have to ask again.

I’m very into the floral extravaganza happening on her shoulders, mostly because the color reminds me of hydrangeas which happen to be my fave. I’m very much not into the rest of this dress because it’s Colonial and frumpy as all hell.

What a prince charming cutie! To be clear, not really on theme but his periwinkle vest dazzled me.

This is Puss in Boots carrying a bouquet of black flowers. It’s so stupid that I think I love it. And let me remind you, the Met Gala is the ONLY time where I commend ridiculousness because it’s such a dumb concept to begin with to have Queen Anna Wintour invite only certain celebrities and tell them to dress for a theme while she wears the same tired outfit every year, takes zero fashion risks and makes these puppets dance.

See what I mean?

Oh Kylie, you could’ve just hit the boardwalk and gotten that with a side of salt water taffy! I’ll pick one up for you when I’m in AC next weekend.

THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Jess understood the assignment and looks like a woodland fairy princess.

Why don’t you spit directly in Anna Wintour’s face next time, Penelope! Was the theme old Hollywood glam? No it sure as shit was not. Penelope is the chick who claims she didn’t know it was a costume party. Or even worse, the one who shows up to girls wine night in full glam while everyone else is in their pjs with their hair on top of their head. Does she look phenomenal? Absolutely. Do we hate her for it? Absolutely.

This is Home Ec dress gone horribly wrong. Just pasting bows and mesh all willy nilly.

Hope you don’t have to poop, buddy! Those talons could do some real damage if they sliced through the TP whilst wiping. Yes, that’s the only takeaway I have from this outfit.

This is such a snoozeroni. Were we going for birds or butterflies to glue to our eyes? Meh. Do better.

Another “yea I’ll just wear what I always wear, thx” and Shakira can take her red flamenco dress and salsa right out of my face.

Again, AQUA! But this is boring AF. Wear that shit to the Oscars, not the Met.

Chris Hemsworth was on the board or one of the hosts or whatever other fake titles they give each year to the elite and for someone who was in the top tier, this ain’t it. I expect the party planning committee to come strong. I expect them to dress as a literal garden. Wearing a tan suit and showing off the chesties isn’t cutting it. I do love wifey’s flower crown though. I feel like that was an easy accessory to rock and no one capitalized on it. JUSTICE FOR MORE FLOWER CROWNS.

I LOOOOOOVE this. It’s a champagne dream and I, too would like to live under a roof of bow.

I have absolutely no clue what Chase was going for here, total miss. Was it supposed to be a contrast of like Criss Angel meets Tinkerbell? Weird way to air out your roleplay and honestly the 14 layers of cross necklaces over his bare chest gives me the heebie jeebies BUT KELSEA. WHAT A HIT. I’m obsessed with this and I wish she hip checked her greasy Crucifictorious front man out of the frame and let those flowers shine.

Meg Ryan looks snatched as hell and that’s the only reason I’ll let the black gown slide.

MA’AM. YOU ARE LITERALLY A MUMMY. DID YOU GET THE SAME INVITE AS EVERYONE ELSE?!

Respectfully, no. One time my sister’s friend convinced her that one of the American Girl dolls blinked at her unprompted and if I had to picture a nightmare scenario where a doll comes to life, it is Michelle.

Ope, alright let’s keep the terrifying rolling. Lookin like she was dragged out from the bottom of the lake to haunt us all.

hold for applause. She came as an ACTUAL TREE. Iconic.

I hate these shaped gowns, they make absolutely no sense to me. Why does your dress need a cage over it that gives you pointy hips.

A moment of silence for this yellow rose train paired with a deep red lip. Stunning .

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Under ANY other circumstance I might actually give it up to Nicole for this one, but for this theme, no way, Jose. Unless she’s going for bird and birds are found in gardens…LOOPHOLE, I’m back in. I was politely surprised by my fierce love for surprise feathers here.

We’ve seen JLo do this a million times. I’m not blown away.

Get right out of my grillpiece you cyborg lookin mf’er.

I’m a reformed Demi stan and typically everything she does lately makes me roll my eyes out of my skull but credit where credit is due, this is a good look for her.

The giant bow butt and the tin foil wrap are a given at every damn red carpet and yet I still get irrationally angry when I see one. THIS LOOKS DUMB. I can HEAR this photo and that’s NOT a compliment.

Obsessed. So whimsical.

ANOTHER set of Beetlejuice bangs?! why. Not in love with this color or the pointy shoulder or the weird greasy bangz.

Suh punk rock, dude. Gawd, the guys really blew this one. NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR TOUGH GUY ANTICS.

She be FLOWERING, yo. Props for the extra junk in that trunk and pls stay 6 ft away backdrop. Wish I could wear that at ShopRite on a Sunday to keep the New Jerseyans with absolutely no regard for personal space at bay.

This is dangerously close to wearing a tinfoil hat. I appreciate the commitment to the bit but it’s not werking for me.

This almost feels like Carrie Bradshaw attends the Royal Wedding and I wholeheartedly approve. Mary Poppins meets the Queen.

Get the Kardashians uninvited from the Met or we riot.

“Lube me up and twirl me in Saran Wrap” – What Elle said to her stylist, I presume.

If Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2 lived in Paris instead of Central Park, this is what I imagine she’d look like. Chic Parisian bird lady. Either version, Kevin would still be terrified of her at first but then they would become bonded for life by a couple of Turtle Dove ornaments courtesy of Mr. Duncan.

OH two looks, Zendaya! Who do you think you are? Ri Ri?! (She had the flu so I guess Zendaya decided to pick up the slack.) As much as this flower bonnet makes me cackle because it’s for sure giving her a killer headache, I’m much more into the Parisian bird lady look. Enough with the black cloaks.

WHY BLACK?! I love this dress. I think it’s beautiful and accents her big ole knockers that everyone has their knickers in a twist about perfectly. But we RUINED it with the black wig and gloves.

Sweet spaghetti coat, babes.

Cardi is living for this moment and it’s such a giant miss that it’s laughable. Like I’m gonna show up with a 50 ft wide black gown and bright green nails to match my Rose from Titanic necklace. Bye, bish.

Was the theme Under the Sea? GET LAWWWWSSSSSTTTTTT.

Oh good, at least 1 out of 3 followed the rules. Out of all of her atrocious looks through the years, I can honestly say this one is pretty decent. Props for finally getting it right. Or more importantly, props to me for being the bigger person and putting my raging hatefire aside to fairly judge this look. That being said, uninvite this family. We’ve had enough.

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2024

WE HAVE MADE IT! Spring is just around the corner and nothing marks that like Hollywood’s BIGGEST night. I started out this awards season by flexing all of my streetwear to show you, my loyal red carpet snarksters, that I am of course the MOST qualified to spend several months out of the year boom roasting fashion choices by people who pay top dollar for the finest of clothes styled by the professionals. I can style the SHIT out of loungewear on a day to day basis and I recently had a shower thought that my style as a grown woman never graduated from what Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were wearing in the mid to late nineties. It was a pivotal time in discovering my fashion identity and to be honest, one that I never wish to grow out of. I love the shit out of overalls, a coordinated set, and spending way too much time matching my nails, accessories, socks and sometimes even underwear to a color scheme that I’m rockin.

That being said, this was also the year that I decided I’d become a PJ pants in public kind of person. Not like running errands, I’m not a total heathen, but I have become a little *too* comfy with taking my dog for a full-fledged walk around the surrounding neighborhoods in my jammies. To cut myself a little slack if I may, I went from being able to walk 10 steps to a dog park to exercise my dog to having to walk her several times a day. I know, real sob story from the girl who moved to the beach. BOOHOO. But the DGAF factor is high when you’ve gotta stroll with your dog that many times a day, especially when it’s dark in the winter. Flannel PJs are basically required uniform for that. Where I start to toe the line is when it’s 11am on a Sunday and my fellow ritzy beach area residents are probably on their way back from Church with the fam and are subjected to me shuffling around the ‘hood in Uggs and Christmas plaid fleece jamz. Which is the exact picture I painted this morning. And you know what? Dooooooon’t Caaaaare. There were like 40 mph winds and the only way to get me out in that is in my coziest and warmest sleepwear. Plus, the magic of Christmas extends as long as the weather sucks. Everyone knows that. So without further ado (was that the longest definitely unnecessary self-deprecating rant you’ve read in a while?!) here’s the big Kahuna for red carpets from the kinda schmuck who has given up on actually dressing herself to leave the house…seriously spring can’t get here fast enough.

WORST

I get real turnt for a seafoam but this is too weird. Loose forearm sleeves…why? The choker sheer scarf brings me right back to the early aughts when the skinny scarf added to every outfit was a choice. Not a good one but ah those were the times. And may I also pose a question because I’ve seen this hairstyle a few times now? Is using gel to shellac a few wispy strands to the forehead a trend? Is this perhaps the new loose face framing strands with an updo? If so, respectfully no.

Ooohh this is more an MTV VMA’s look booboo. Lil party girl hoochie mama. Spoiler alert: her performance outfit was even hoochie coochier. Ah, to be in your twenties again.

What fresh hell is this? I’d compare them to pajamas but you’ve seen what duds I’m rockin to sleep in. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a silk tux. In fact, I just was introduced to silk pillow cases (s/o my sis for the gift) and my first trial run with them last night was REAL slippery. My head almost slid right off the bed on more than one occasion. Imagine wearing head to toe silk too? Hey Dwane, do a slide, let’s see how slick that sucker is!

This style feels outdated to me. Plus, kinda seems dangerous? Like why is her neck hooked up to her right tit? Looks like she’s trying to hang herself by her areola.

It’s giving airport lounge singer.

HOLY HAIR. My ‘lanta this is bad. First and foremost, I’ve always hated pink and red together. They clash as much as black and brown do (personal pref.) Second and probably more important, ew times a thousand to that Dynasty hairstyle.

This dress is a dinosaur personified. You can’t see it in this photo but the back is straight ridges and a tail. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Wicked Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like to get eaten alive by an unruly pair of wide-legged pants, welp, here’s a real clear visual.

Two words: BUCKLE STRAPS.

She looks like she just got done smoking a long cig, listening to Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and just stumbled into the Oscars and no I cannot further elaborate on that very niche character I’ve just created from one cursory glance at this photo.

Honestly this is horrifying. I’m so overstimulated by this purple poppy sparkle ‘sploshe.

MARGOT👏 IS👏 DEAD👏 TO👏 ME. Great statement you’re making here. You’ve worn pink incessantly for the better part of a year and you’re done. This is the funeral of Barbie as we know it. Well GUESS WHAT BABE, I’ve been waiting for you to literally shit pink on the red carpet for the Oscars after a SUUUUUPER lackluster showing during awards season and you midas whale just hawk a lugey directly in my face with this outfit. And not for nothing but is that bedhead? What a giant F-U to anyone who wishes she has Barbie’s ENTIRE wardrobe at her fingertips (ME). I could’ve worn this shitty dress. In fact, I did to a wedding in 2018. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I’m less enraged about JLC wearing black because she didn’t singlehandedly make hot pink the *moment*, but this is still suuuuuch a snoozer.

Kind of a ricochet shot here from Margot but HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR A PINK SUIT?! I wanted SO MUCH from these two and I’ve never been more underwhelmed in my life when the possibilities were literally endless. Ya, I peeped those pink socks. Doesn’t count unless he’s gonna grow a set and pull them up over his pants.

I don’t know what’s happening up top here other than a rogue bedazzler but I’m all set.

This is a lot. I think removing the full blown pom-pom sleeves and the cape would make this more digestible.

UGH I hate the horned strapless top. Why so horny?

Oh fuck right off with this look, excuse my French. What is she, carrying an entire bunk’s worth of sleeping bags? How stupid. She’s mummified head to toe and then just dragging around bundles of laundry. For what? FOR WHAT, ARIANA?! To irritate your seatmate and look like an a*hole? Mission accomplished. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Glenda the Good Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)

IT’S THE PEPLUM, BB.

Another iteration of the skinny dangling scarf and a reminder that less is more, people! The dress is good without a strand flying loose in the breeze.

Continuing my awards-season-long vendetta against top heavy ladies doing strapless and putting all the trust in the world into a very small/flimsy amount of fabric to keep everything in check.

Kinda trampy maid vibe, srynotsry.

BEST

A moment of silence for 90’s teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett coming back into the fold and being hot cool sunglasses guy with a glam wife upon his return.

It’s Andie Anderson yellow and I’ll always have a soft spot for that. Even though she’s not wearing the Isadora diamond, I’m very into this sapphire icing to contrast the golden tones of the dress.

MMM I love this color.

Pretty much every man disappointed me with a boring black tux so this is where we start getting really despy. I’m not a huge fan of poop suits but gotta give credit, Matthew spiced it up and matched his shades. Camila’s bejeweled boobs were doing it for me too.

Frannie got a BOD-AY. Great figure for a slinky gown like this, loving the little briefcase purse and the braid.

A coordinated coups!!! A rare sighting and it makes me swoon to see a man support his woman in fash. They both look amahzing and we don’t need to wonder where Emily’s lady bits are because we’ve got a treasure map pointing right to them! Also, a little jarring to see a dress that looks like it’s being held up above her shoulders by imaginary hands but once you get past that trickery, it’s hard to deny she looks STUNNING.

Whatta babe this dress fits her like a glove.

Again, not to beat a dead horse but that’s what I do BEST, would’ve loved a little nod to weird Barbie, but she does look lovely and classic.

Wish we got a TEENSIE bit more leg here, maybe a cut just past the knee skirt but, Billie! You did it, homegirl! She’s crushing this look!

So simple and yet it’s perfect!

Now this is what I’m talking about! FULLY redeemed himself from the red carpet flop with this Ken-licious look. Pink sparkles, shades, pink gloves, ALL ON POINT. Not to mention that this performance was above and beyond what I wanted. RyGos is Ken and Ken is RyGos.

SPARKLE FISH!

Very tasteful feather sitch.

I’m a big believer that polka dots should be taken out back with a shotgun but surprising us all, I LOVE this! It’s retro chic and I’m equal parts admiring and jelly of this island glow she’s sporting on top of the polkas.

I just want to tuck myself into Carey’s pocket (or poof) and go everywhere she goes. It’s no secret to anyone who has been a loyal follower of my red carpets that I REGULARLY slobber all over her. It’s like she never misses. Sure, this gown probably falls into the mermaid bottom category, but also it doesn’t because the way it’s cut with the scalloping black is on another level. High Fash for dayz. And take it from a gal who has roughly 8 sets of Christmas PJ’s to rotate…I KNOW high fashion.

An ice Queen in all the best ways.

GET IT, GIRL! Put your party ruffles on!

Respect for the toppiest of top buns and a slammin leg moment.

We haven’t seen this babe in a minute! She’s looking toight and I’m here for the shiny champagne gown.

A DEBUT BUMP! I’m always shocked by celebs who can sneak under the radar with a pregnancy. Gurl is REAL pregnant and just was like WHAM guess who’s with child on the red carpet. Love a buzzworthy moment and she’s werkin it Beyonce Single Ladies style.

Peps double standard. I’m not a h8er of this peplum because it’s like pepLite. It’s not a hard pep. Say pep again. Though let’s be real, the glitz is really what caught my eye.

I can get down with this cape.

MIAMI VICE. Love the contrast of the black sparkle palm trees against the pink shine.

Thank you for your service, sir.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

“Oh damn, America!” were the exact words I texted my mother. I’m so all in for the pink on her. I may have dumped all over every other Barbie but America was consistently killing it this awards season and was leaning more into the dark classic gowns, so for her to flip the switch to pink for the finale, HELL YEA! The cut of this dress is so flattering and it’s very fun and Disco Barbie-esque.

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2024

The SAG Awards being on a Saturday night has forever thrown me off, I remember days in my fresh from college years where I was pre-gaming to the awards. Obviously that is no longer an issue for me as I can’t remember the last time I unironically used the term pre-gaming or left my house after 10pm. But, pulling a red carpet out of my ass on a Saturday night is still a feat. On top of that, Netflix had to flex their live TV muscle and decide to show them this year making it confusing as to how I could even find them. Needless to say, I missed half the awards but it was too big of a heavy hitter to also miss the red carpet. (I figured the People’s Choice Awards were geared toward reality monsters and everyone looked like garbaggio anyway so I went ahead and skipped that one, you’re welcome.)

WORST

It’s Working Girl meets One Room School House and it is hideous.

I’m sorry, what? I could stare at this gloves/shrug combo deal forever and still be perplexed by it. Did she have to lay face first on a bed and put her hands and arms into those gloves and then pull the shelf bra over her chest? No that can’t be right because how did it get around the back? I may never figure this out but honestly I don’t want to because it’s disgusting.

I don’t love the color of this but even more so, I don’t love this weird glitter/brocade texture.

This is a Bitty Baby version of Kathryn’s duds above. What’s with the black shelf bra and sheer gloves?! Also, immediately no:

I literally get a headache just looking at it.

What a monstrosity. The poof around her neck is giving court jester while the 5 layers of cupcake tiers are giving my worst nightmare. And to top it all off we’ve got a blinding bronze linear pattern. Just goes to show that a best dressed at one red carpet can fall right down the well into a dumpster fire at the next.

This is jarring to say the least. Imagine being a grown adult with an underboob cutout in the shape of a Dorito? Cringe city.

American Girl Doll chic except it’s not chic at all it’s basically a picnic tablecloth with Kirsten braid bunz.

OoOoh a condom waterfall!

Lace halter is so 2000’s prom dress it hurts.

I’m actually feeling kind of torn about this. On the one hand, her makeup is stunning and I love the simple jewels. On the other hand, the top of this dress being a square with shoulder dangles and boxy throughout is super unflattering on her.

Ole toilet paper mummy head ass. Homegirl just looks like she got attacked by wolves on her way here. How are we calling this a dress? It’s just a bunch of shredded fabric glued together and if the person who designed this is rolling in it, I’m about to change careers. Charlee! Hand me my shears!

I hate to be the one to say it and I know I’ll rock the boat on the JAW cult following, but the man whose last name is White, does not actually look great in a white suit. It’s a little pervy to me and I can’t even explain why because it’s just a suit on a deliciously hot man. Maybe it’s the pointy black boots? I don’t know but so far this season we’ve seen him in all black and black pants with a white jacket and I was hunky dory with both of those but this is an ick.

I hate that opera gloves are making a red carpet comeback. Sure, I love to be dramatic as much as the next gal but we don’t need gloves up to our armpits with a full glam look. There’s a time and a place for the Pretty Woman gloves and green leather with a full detailed floral dress ain’t it, honey. (I actually like the dress because I’m a sucker for mint and for flowers but the gloves ruined it.)

I’m sorry, was the jester on several stylist mood boards for the SAGs?! HOLY DANGLES. This makes my eyes hurt and probably poked a lot of people as she scooted by.

DIE AWAY FROM ME BIG BELTS. No one, and I mean no one, should ever go back into their Big Belt Era. That being said (and I mean it, don’t let this stupid trend come back) I do like the top corset-esque cut to the dress.

Look, Bradley’s getting up there in age. He’s no longer the suave Hollywood babe so effortlessly. And that’s why I feel like I wanted more from him. He can’t just get by on his good looks anymore he’s gotta turn up the heat in the fashion department. I trust that he’ll read this note and come right for the Oscars.

STRAPLESS BOOBS.

I’ve got a Barbie heel to Margot Robbie’s neck this awards season and I won’t let up until she wows me. This is super vaginal. I saw it and was like oh she’s going for pussy chic. I KNOW she has an arsenal of original Barbie fits to pick from the cream of the crop and I’m sick of her not pulling out all the stops for red carpets. Sure, she kinda got snubbed for the Oscars. It’s whatever. All the more reason to be showing OUT on the carpet. Keeping my fingers crossed for an Oscars stunner.

GLEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THAT POOP SUIT WHAT TF ARE YOU DOING?! YOU HAVE A TOP ROM COM AND YOU SHOW UP ON THE SILVER CARPET LOOKING LIKE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL AND NOT THE BABE SODA OF EVERY GIRL’S DREAMS?!

BEST

Simple and kinda 90’s alt chick but it works.

Oh hell yea this is a nice twist on the lady suit. Tuxedo style top with a sparkle skirt! I’m into this.

This guy is just happy to be here after that long hiatus and I like that he’s dressing to impress. He’s not pulling out the tired black tux, he’s spicing it up with a SAG-AFTRA blue (literally matches the background) and he looks great.

Not 100% in love with a mesh shirt but definitely swoon for a pastel blue.

I’m totally cool as a cuke about not having a flat tummy and continuing to consume all the cheese in the world until I see something like this and I’m like SHOULD I STARVE MYSELF/EXERCISE TO GET ABS?! The answer of course is I’d rather die, but I did think about it for a second. This midsection is TOIGHT. She looks fit as a fiddle and is even making me like peaches and cream in a gown.

The PERFECT hourglass dress.

Hey Girl, let me be your pastel Easter egg. Open me for a surprise. Whoa that took a weird turn, huh? That’s what happens when Ryan’s lookin like a spring snack getting me all hot and bothered.

An elegant Ice Princess.

The Disgusting Brothers can do whatever they want to me if they look like this. (I’m sorry I’m bringing an aggressive sexual energy to this red carpet, I literally can’t help it..look at Cousin Greg’s bedroom eyes.)

Put this in a museum because it’s a rare moment when I’ll say ok to these two. Billie’s back to black hair in a sassy pony and she’s got a school girl vibe and I’m digging it. It’s like classic Ralph Lauren. PLUS when her hair isn’t shades of neon, her eyes pop so much more! GO BILLIE GO!

I feel like Jen chopping her hair has contributed to a major glow-up. Not that she needed one. She’s been stunning for several decades in the spotlight but this sassy short hair is DOING IT ALL. She’s sunkissed (whether real or fake doesn’t matter), showing a little cleave and werkin a sparkle leg slit. Get down with your bad self, girliepop.

Normally not a cutout aficionado, but this seems like a tasteful side bewb sitch.

What a fun little glitzy hurricane number! Love the maroon and pattern.

Primary color Reese back at it again but damn it she looks fab.

Another fave look of the night, this dress is kinda scaley in a fun way! It’s like The Rainbow Fish but make it a little slinky number. Bookmarking this for my future wedding dress inspo. I’m gonna go into David’s Bridal and say just that.

This is me eating my words. Mermaid bottoms are toxic sludge EXCEPT when you ACTUALLY PLAYED THE LITTLE MERMAID. Loophole! I saw this and was like UGH KILL IT WITH FIRE. And then I remembered she was an actual mermaid and I immediately redacted it. She gets a pass. One time. Also great color.

Perfect LBD and really into the emerald necklace to give it a little pizazz.

I mean she’s the damn president of SAG AFTRA and basically led the strike and the negotiations for everyone to come back to making mid-TV and movies based on books. Let her rock a salsa girl emoji hot red number. She looks fabulous right down to the red nails. It makes my heart sing when a lady coordinates all of her details perfectly. 💃

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I truly cannot stop gazing at this dress. It looks like liquid has been poured over her body in all the right ways. The chic bob on top and a simple necklace that perfectly accents the color is weeeerrrrkkkin. Everything about this is smooth AF.

Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2024

Music’s biggest night and an unwanted and somewhat harsh reminder that I’m too old to know half of the nominees! Seriously, who were half of these bozos?! Gotta be honest if we’re grading red carpets so far this year, this one was a real stinker. Not only was it 80% nobodies, but the somebodies dressed like street rats. In fact, I’m so disappointed I’m not even crowning a best look of the night. That’s right, when the children don’t behave, I take things away. Y’all are in time out.

WORST

Take that wave and beat it, nerd.

Well folks we’ve officially entered porny fashion when your nipples have to be blurred for People.com. Why are areolas an accessory? Lock that shit up, Doja. I don’t want to see that or really anything else that’s on display with this sheer dress. Honestly surprised she didn’t go full Kitty out.

Yaaaaa I get it, this is Billie’s thing. She dresses in baggie jammies like a teen going through a phase and whatever at this point that’s not what’s bothering me. She’s rocking a Barbie letterman jacket and that has cache these days. What grinds my Barbie gears is that if you’re going to go with brightly colored hair, WHY NOT DO PINK?! I mean come on, it’s such an obvious layup and I would be like YAS BARBIE KWEEN! Instead I want to barf.

Speaking of barfing, you know I’m about to rip a look apart when multiple people text me about it. Miley is known for seeking attention at awards shows as I think we all remember the nude latex bikini and foam finger duo as much as we’d like to forget. It’s no coincidence that as I’m writing this caption, she marched that behemoth of a teased mullet onto the stage to perform, further fueling my hatefire. I think I speak for everyone when I say what the actual fuck. What about her song Flowers deems an era of Princess Leia chains and an 80’s hairspray Joe Dirt mullet. She changed for the show probably because she didn’t want to sit on the equivalent of a chain link fence rubbing all up on her bits for 8 hours. She also switched to a less revealing but equally as loud silver showgirl number for her performance where her hair was once again a main character. You did it girlfriend, you got the attention, and possibly a metal rash. Enjoy sorting through that rat’s nest tomorrow.

No words, just this:

You can’t really tell because of how she’s posing but this dress has hip slits and no ma’am I don’t want it.

Our “did they finish making this dress?” look of the night. And to think this yarn and tulle explosion was done *on purpose.* And you know what’ll complete the look? Braids and a giant hat of course.

It’s the pointy shoes for me, bruh.

This was the part of the red carpet where I truly wondered if I should be watching these awards shows anymore. I know who Phoebe Bridgers is on her own, I didn’t know that she somehow was in a group called BoyGenius and these lil white shortpant suits are atrocious. I’m glad People used the picture where they’re mostly smiling because as they posed they looked like hostages in formalwear and it was v unsettling.

Welp this is pirate cosplay.

BOO. HISS. COME AT ME, SWIFTIES! This look stinks on toast and anyone who’s too wrapped up in their Taylor obsession to admit this cannot be trusted. This is a bedsheet. There’s nothing special about it other than the fact that it clearly showcases how her spray tan stops at her ankles. Yoikes, girl. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before (possibly just to my family but perhaps on this platform) Swifties are awaiting the Reputation re-record. So everytime Taylor has been seen in public in the past few months, these psychos have been foaming at the mouth for Reputation clues. Well this seems to be the most promising as her black gloves and choker with a clock set to midnight leads to the assumption that we’ll find out soon if it’s coming out. I for one hope we get the announcement so I can stop reading REPUTATION IS COMING because she dared to have curly hair at a football game. And once again, timing is everything, as I write this she announces her brand new album (not re-record) coming out in April so blow my brains out we’ll hear about Reputation for the rest of our damn lives because this chick will literally not stop releasing 25 fresh songs every quarter.

She may have found herself on the worst dressed list but at least she looked better than her most hated ex-boyfriend who looks like a 70’s hotel carpet. WHAT A LOSER. A LOSER WITH A SKINNY WIENER.

THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.

Oh ok, sure babe, just cut a hole in a dinner napkin and toss it over your head to cover your rack.

NOOOOOO not the cleavage tie. Don’t bring THAT back. This is trashy as hell and you can’t change my mind by bangling to your armpits and double hooping it, Lizzo.

I don’t care that this makes me sound like a senior citizen but what do kids these days see in a rapper who looks like orphan Annie? It’s alarming at best.

Former Sexiest Man Alive has really fallen hard off that post by doing a man cleave deep v silky tie shirt. It’s giving me all the icks.

Zach Bryan and Noah Kahan blew up into a different stratosphere this year. They kind of have similar music and also don’t really? That’s the best way I can describe men with good voices and strong lyrics who may or may not be the same genre. But I feel like they’re often mentioned in the same breath. So why not match for the Grammys? Like come on dudes, be original. Make a splash. I’m so tired of every guy looking identical.

Lana has a whole schtick and I’m sorry bout it but I hate it. I don’t think grown-ups wearing tea time dresses with puffy shoulders, hard bangz and bows coming out the ass is cute, I think it’s weird.

BEST

This outfit is so stupid that I respect the hell out of it. if you roll up to the Grammys as a nobody, you HAVE to do a bit. What do you have to lose? She will forever (until I forget next week) be known as fur sombrero.

Do I love this? No. But Chrissy’s got a set of hot legs and I dig the rose shape to make it floral fun.

This style dress is definitely having a moment as I’ve already peeped it a couple times this season. I like a little optical illusion even though overall this is kinda a snoozer. Yeah that’s right, I’m so annoyed with this red carpet that even my “best dressed” are getting a little sass too. WOW ME, PEOPLE. I’m not one of those E Red Carpet correspondents who falls all over themselves to say each person they speak to is stunning, flawless, and amazing. If they’re all stunning, flawless & amazing then NO ONE IS.

ONLY Lenny Kravitz can wear a mesh shirt with leather sleeves. No one else. (Also that bod…sup?)

Stunning, Flawless, Amazing.

This is a flattering gown but can I ask what the rules are for trends? Because some of these trends that are having a hard comeback like chokers for example, were spicy in 2016. And that seems too soon? Like who decides the rebound period on what’s hot in the streets. I’m mostly pissed because I got rid of my chokers last year. I figured by the time they came back around I’d be too old for them and NOW HERE WE ARE. The over the knee boots, dark lips and chokers were my MF’in JAM in 2016 and 2017 and who could’ve predicted that they’d only take a 6 year hiatus?!

Ed looks trendy kewl in this camo-ish set but why is Aaron Dessner dressed up as a burglar?

This is classy cool and how you rock a power hat.

Could do without the OJ Simpson gloves but love the detailing giving a black suit some pizazz.

God Billy Joel is so cool it hurts. The iconic wayfarers, dropping a new song when he literally never has to release music again because he plays nothin but the hits at the Garden every month to a soldout crowd. Of course, that’ll be ending soon, and I’m definitely not feeling any sorts of bitter about it as someone who couldn’t afford nosebleeds for $300 a piece and lamely keeps checking hoping somehow I’ll find a deal. COME ON PIANO MAN, HOOK A GIRL UP! (I was supposed to see him in December of 2022 and he just had to go and cancel 3 days before. SO CLOSE YET SO FAR.)

Sofia is the moment for fashion. Everything she does is so chic, so much so that her first post-pregnancy announcement outfit provoked me to immediately message my sister and ask her if I need to start one-strapping my overalls now even though I’m not with child but look like I potentially could be.

That’s hot.

OK GAYLE. She’s WERKIN this sparkle jam.

Can’t shout out Gayle without her #1 homegirl O! Oprah is aging backwards. She’s skinny again, she’s rocking a party pony, she’s still running the shouting announcer-voice style into the mic bit into the ground. It continues to be Oprah’s world and we’re all just living in it.

Definitely had higher expectations for Kelsea because she’s been crushing this year but I do enjoy the purple flowers even though the top half of the dress looks like she got mauled by a bear.

Christina went onstage early to present and I was like HOT DAMN she looks amazing and immediately scrambled to find her red carpet piccie. She’s killin it in baby blue!

Including this photo was 1000% for my own entertainment. This is Bonnie McKee. She sang the sleeper 2004 hit “Somebody” which you may remember from the absolute fire flames rom com classic “Win A Date with Tad Hamilton,” which I still quote regularly. I was #blessed to see Bonnie open up for Ryan Cabrera soon after in my first parents-free concert and color me shocked to see her fiery red hair on the carpet that matches the drapes. BONNIE?! WHATCHU DOIN AT THE GRAMMYS, GORL?! Proud of you.

BUSTA with the floral patterned jacket!

Despite the jarring lip/chin dangle, Fantasia looks bomb.com here and I certainly cannot say the same for her Tina Turner inspired performance where she had an actual tail dangling from her downstairs and a rattail floating from her upstairs. Lotta tail and it really made me wonder if no one wanted to dance it out with her in the audience because of that.

I’ll allow it because it’s glittery.

Haven’t seen Ellie in a minute and I’m into this witchy Raven of darkness mood.

Kelly looks like a babe soda and this gown really accentuates her new figure which I can’t help but notice turned up REAL QUICK and I wonder if she’s drinking the Ozempic Kool Aid?! I hope not. YOU’RE BETTER THAN A DIABETES DRUG THAT BRAVOLEBRITIES ABUSE. Jus sayin. If you lost weight the old fashioned way (by starving yourself and doing 3 workouts a day) then I redact and you keep up the good work, girl!

The Holy Trinity. Can I just say that as soon as I glimpsed Blue as a grown ass woman in a gown, I was like oh wow I’m 900 years old. When did she become an adult?! She looked very elegant, especially next to her mom wearing a white 10 gallon hat lookin like a damn fool. You may be thinking, is she really going to take shots and Tay AND Bey?! And you bet your bottom dollar I am because if you wear something stupid, I’M GONNA TELL YA! YEEHAW. In all seriousness, I do like Beyonce’s outfit just absotootley didn’t need a comically large cowboy hat to top it off. PS Jay-Z’s speech was my favorite of the night. Admitted he was nervous as hell but landed the plane with some inspirational thoughts at the end. HOV!

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2024

WELCOME BACK! Did everyone have a lovely week?! As your top awards season fashion commentator, I spent the week popping off color coordinated lewks that belong in a museum but were only viewed by my dog and perhaps a few Ring cams that captured me dropping fast food on their stoop whilst Door Dashing. Since I stunted my Barbie track suit on y’all last week, it only makes sense to continue to show you what makes me qualified to barf all over A-list celebrity red carpetwear.

I mean come ONNN, the alternating fur and maroon?! Chef’s Kiss MWAH. My dog truly doesn’t understand what a top fashion runway model her mom is.

WORST

Ok that is ENOUGH. We are two for two with a well endowed woman wearing a strapless gown during awards season and I am NOT HERE FOR IT. Strap those yabbos in tighter or I’m gonna start handing out citations from the Titty Police.

I’ve never seen a more boring look ever. Middle part, pin straight hair, high neck sleeveless black dress. YAWN. You couldn’t do ONE thing to jazz this up?! Earrings? A purse? I honestly would’ve welcomed a set of XL cans struggling to stay in a strapless top *just this once.* ANYTHING!

And the pendulum swings back in the other direction because Christina was like I’ll give you some razzle dazzle and I hate this. I hate the deep V but even more so, I hate the tacky green bedazzled chonky necklace.

I understand he was trying to be trendy but what fresh hell is this?! Plopping a button under your shoulder just makes it look like your jacket is putting a CLINIC on trying to stay closed over your WIDE midsection. No sudden movements, my dude, or that thing’ll go soaring!

Too much mixed media here for me to get on board. Florals, bright colors, sparkles, AND black mesh? Gotta pick a lane.

Get this out of my face immeds. It’s giving needle pinning a post-it note over her hooters. I couldn’t scroll Twitter last night without seeing this image from multiple sources:

pic.twitter.com/I2TLQFkgHK
— Vulture (@vulture) January 16, 2024

To the point where I had to fact check if she was indeed wearing Berger’s break-up post-it on her dress. She was not, folks, but if you have to seriously wonder that, I think we can all agree this dress is trash, much like Jack Berger was. (The real SATC fans know.)

Imagine wearing a dress that makes everyone immediately think “does she not own a steamer?” Honestly even hanging it near the shower would’ve helped. Why is wrinkled a fashion choice. It’s bottom of the laundry basket, I think I can get one more wear out of this…not awards show formalwear.

Sometimes the champ one week becomes bottom of the barrel the next and that my friends is the CIIIIIIIIRCLE of LIFE! Hate this corset clasp-heavy top and feel like she’s about to board a pirate ship in this getup.

I would be down with this angelic lady tux if it had ANY OTHER bottom other than the stuuuuuuupid mermaid monstrosity.

Guy who played Nate can pander all he wants with a football jersey, but I’m still never going to forgive him for shitting all over that sweet, sweet Ted Lasso. (Spoiler alert: he came back around and apologized but I don’t accept.)

He looks so uncomfortable and it’s making me uncomfortable. Imagine the SOUNDS this outfit makes every time he moves a limb. Fart city, population: this leather suit.

WowWOWwowWow. It’s still too soon for me to see her and not become untethered with rage. Kewl woven basket chairs over your nips, NAHT.

The top of this dress is giving birth to the bottom of this dress. I can’t unsee it and now you must all suffer with me.

Blow it out your peplum blowhole.

It shouldn’t come as a shock because Alex treats awards shows like her own personal zany dress-up sesh but barf all over me with this sexy lil tamale of a circus ringleader lookin bullshit.

Oh HELLOOOOOOOOOO.

MOOve over, this jacket is udderly repulsive.

Oh we just going shirts off now? Shirts optional at a formal awards ceremony! Pop them TOPs!

Cool cool cool cool.

Bleh. A matron of honor dress.

I was immediately irked by this look and I couldn’t put my finger on why until it hit me. It’s loud. It’s shiny and tacky and just too loud. Katherine is trying to show everyone this year that she’s not the difficult bitch she was painted to be after she left Grey’s and this look…isn’t convincing me.

OoOoh pregnancy is beautiful and women are amazing and the way our bodies change and our skin glow and BLAH BLAH BLAH save it, sister. I DO NOT NEED TO SEE YOUR ENTIRE BABY UNLESS I AM YOUR GYNECOLOGIST. Sukz is doing ENTIRELY too much with this look and I’m NOT A FAN. The cooch bow, REALLY?! On top it’s like she put an apron on during some frisky role playing and then attached a table skirt to it via vadge bow. Congrats on the sex and everything but keep the full belly and birth canal side peeps for your baby daddy.

BEST

The forehead curls. SWOON. What a goshdarn whole snack.

I waffled back and forth on this one and eventually was won over probably because I have a soft spot for Free Willy. For reals though, the optical illusion of the circle skirt is pretty eye catching.

Mmmk Tony with the oat milk blazer!!!

Kaitlin’s dress is a stunner. She’s clearly SAP (skinny as possible) but the lined corset accentuates it even more in a classy hawt way. Rob’s whatever. It’s all about his lady.

#GenderEquality, now I’m going to say Emily’s whatever, LOOK AT KUMAIL in that steel grey suit!

Cute lil bob on Amy and an if it ain’t broke don’t fix it glitzy Miss America number.

I LOVE that an old guy like Brian is rolling through with something fresh like this. Could’ve gone classic black tux but he was like OH FUCK OFF I’M GOING DUSTY GREY WITH A POCKET SQUARE AND A BROOCH.

Trent Krimm, Independent lookin snatched as hell in a rainbow tweed-ish looking suit. The untied bow tie is a cherry on top. Total cool guy move.

I support anyone looking to have their Carrie Bradshaw tutu moment.

I did a literal double take to make sure we weren’t looking at the goodies on full-frontal display and because of this neckline literally tricking my eyes, I’m tipping my cap to it.

LOVE this silhouette for her bod, could probably take or leave the retro ice pack material. No seriously, did your mom ever fill up one of these bad boys with some cubes from the freezer? It had a certain smell to it and looking at this dress, I feel like I can smell it. But even thought I definitely ruined that for you…still supes cute!

A moment of silence for girlies who start dating a guy and then completely change their entire sense of style to match his. There has never been a more drastic example of this than when Kourtney and Travis started dating and she went full punk rocker chic. Taking it to an extreme here by just full-on having a twinsie moment. Can’t wait til she shaves her head and covers it in tatters.

I saw lots of reds and maroons and blacks, but not a lot of jewel tones and I’m loving this shade on her.

A fuzzy duckling that stands out among the rest. I wanna see this frock in action. Take it for a spin on the dance floor, let those feathers fly!

A stunning rose. No notes.

I appreciate the remaining Presley’s showing out as a unified front even if they are dressed as cryptkeepers. Digging the funky pattern and gauzey look of Riley’s skirt.

What a fun sparkle-tini! One of my fave looks of the night and perfectly coordinated with the silver carpet and as you can see from my maroon ‘fit…I get a real boner for color coordz.

Again, just me getting excited for someone switching things up! A neon splash looks great with her complexion and another dress that I want to see on the move. Wish we got twirl gifs in addition to still shots.

Jennifer’s pretty top-heavy and look how nicely she styled these bazookas! There’s a way to not dump your knockers right on the red carpet and I applaud that. She also may be the only one to pull off the pieces of hair in the front that I normally hate so much. She can pretty much do no wrong.

Dapper looking host in a floral suit.

This dress is huuuugggin her curves, yo.

Another top look, Selena’s been bringing it this awards season so far. I’m mostly just a sucker for the dark lip, a trend that I wholeheartedly embraced back in 2016 when reputation-era Taylor Swift made baddies with a deep plum pout on trend. I tried to revive it in 2019 and my niece who was 2 at the time immediately put me in my place and pointed at my face asking what was wrong. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T GET FASHION. Might go for round 3 now that Selena’s rockin it so hard. I’ll report back on if my dog approves.

A seafoam feather train as I LIVE AND BREATHE!

A classic siren ball gown.

A close second for best look of the night, head to toe perfection. This dress is cool AF and adds an air of whimsy to her Wednesday Addams mean muggin face.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Ellen Pompeo’s been out of the game for a minute. She basically bought out Grey’s Anatomy and moonwalked out of Hollywood, so this is the first time I’ve seen her on a red carpet for a bit and I’m very into this little ascot party that’s happening. I’d be down to try the sparkle sheer top with a high-waisted skirt to cover up my belly full of Christmas cookies. Maybe when my self-imposed shopping ban is lifted, I’ll dabble with this AND the dark lip TOGETHA. You know, for all the high profile events I get invited to. On second thought, I’ll probably keep kickin it in matching sweatsuits sans makeup.

Salty Stories

I’m A Side Hustlin’ Hack

As luck would have it, exactly two weeks before I moved to a more expensive apartment, I got shitcanned by my freelance social media job that I had for 3 years, a supplemental income that I very much needed. But bad things don’t happen in isolated incidents, they happen in three’s, everyone knows that! At the same time I got swindled out of that, I was also told by my therapist of 6 years that my insurance dropped her and I owed her $700 for appointments that they didn’t cover and we’d have to break up. And THEN I made a compelling stats-heavy presentation at my full-time job asking for a raise and was given a pat on the head and told keep up the good work. YAY! Suffice to say, fulfilling my goal of moving to the beach came with an inner voice in my head that sounded a LOT like that little shit Stilwell sneering “you’re gonna lose” and “you stink” over and over again. And since I’m doing life by myself, it’s up to me to pull a Jimmy Dugan and whip a glove at that voice.

The cool thing about my generation is that when we’re forced to work a minimum of two jobs to survive because inflation and the housing market/rent prices have soared to astronomical levels and an average salary for a job requiring a college degree (that most people are still paying off) is $40,000, is that there’s a plethora of apps capitalizing on the need for fast cash. And instead of calling it like it is, pure desperation to pay our bills on time and not go into further debt, we call it a side hustle to sound sexy and mysterious. And some of these apps ARE sexy and mysterious! OnlyFans and Feetfinder just to name a couple…but the rest: Rover, GrubHub, Uber, DoorDash, Lyft, Care, Wag, Instacart, Shipt…not so much. After serious consideration of the aforementioned apps (cause nudes and toes are where the money’s at) I realized that I’ve seen far too many true crime docs to trust that one of these pervs wouldn’t somehow track me down and wear me as a skin suit. And so I opted for the safer route of snuggling pups via the Rover app.

I paid the overpriced $30 for a background check, uploaded a bunch of delfies, and tried not to sound like the kind of gal that used to sneak-pet dogs in Italy when their owners weren’t looking. I succeeded because suddenly I had a hot weekend with 5 drop-in visits booked. It was during this weekend that I had to take a hard look at myself in the mirror as I was yelling at my own dog to HURRY UP AND GO POTTY so I could walk other people’s dogs. Only to come home cloaked in the scent of a cheater. The air was thick with betrayal as Charlee came to the realization that not only was she forced to squeak out a dump under extreme duress but I was rushing her so I could step out with not one but two strange dogs in the same day. Chuck, if you’re reading this, please forgive me, Mommy’s sorry! You’ll always be my favorite dog to smother.

Not worth the wasted travel time or neglecting my own pooch, I dropped my Rover distance down to less than 5 miles continuing to hope that someone down the street with a full-time job that pays them enough to live off of would scoop me up as their regular lunchtime dog walker. I had already collected three 5-star reviews from my knack for writing a super cheesy report card and snapping an array of portrait-mode doggie pics that belong in an art gallery. Eat your heart out, Annie Leibovitz.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t getting any hits so it was time to move onto a new venture. After a very nerve-wracking night where my mom convinced me a dog owner I was doing a meet and greet with was going to be an axe murderer rapist, I was extra vigilant about doing apps where my probability of getting snatched was on the lower end. After sharing my concern with a friend of the program, he quickly pointed out that anyone who snatches me would give me right back after 10 mins of me yappin. So I’ve got that goin for me, which is nice. I decided on DoorDash. I figured I could bring people their food and drop it on their doorstep (minimal human contact=slight chance of being adult-napped) Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. DD hazed me by giving me a half hour shift 8 towns over to kick things off, which I took like a frat bro champ, desperate to pledge Delta Delta. In a half hour I delivered two Wendy’s orders to people who lived next door to each other and made $15. Needless to say, after this short stint, I had a real false sense of confidence that I could crush it as a dasher and make millions.

Which brings me to the real reason for this blog: my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day of panhandling on the apps. Still active on Rover, I happened to get pinged for a drop-in visit with 3 dogs, all above 80 lbs. I certainly don’t think I’m Cesar Milan but I figured it wouldn’t be difficult to let these dogs out into their own backyard. The night before my scheduled meet and greet, the dog owner reached out to me and asked if instead of dropping in at their house, I could actually just take their 2 year old husky to my house for the day. Exsqueeze me? I’m not on the app to bring strange dogs into my home, I’m on the app to see how the top 1% (homeowners and people who can afford a dog walker) live. AND obviously to overwhelm their dog with affection for a nominal fee. After a phone conversation where she explained this dog was fresh from the shelter and still “in a destructive phase,” I told her that I also have a dog and happen to like the things in my home, including my overpriced Christmas tree that I (my mom) had just worked really hard to put up. Charlee was destructive for one month when I rescued her and after she ruined this piece of rare art curated by Christmas Tree Shop before I even had the chance to hang it up, I nearly sent her packing right back to Mississippi. So no, I’m not willing to bring another chomper riddled with separation anxiety into my new apartment.

We agreed that I would bring my dog to her house to meet the others and we’d go from there AKA I’d tell her I would be more comfortable watching her dog in its own home where it belongs. So I brought Chuckles to meet some new pup pals knowing that she’d never see them again but just trying to repent for the weekend I cheated on her so hard. This did not put me back in her good graces, in fact, I think at one point she gave me a look that very clearly read, “what the fuck, mom?!” It looked kinda like this:

As it turned out, these dogs were A LOT. They were big and loud and immediately ganged up on my little Chooch. She hated every second of this playdate and snapped her teeth like a croc to get them to back off, to which they said NOPE! In this high-stress and very barky few minutes, I learned that the husky has escaped their backyard several times now by attempting an Olympic trial-level high jump over the fence and also tunneling under the fence. This dog was giving Andy Dufresne a run for his money. Legend says that before she dove below sea level to resurface on the other side of the picket fence she turned to her doggie sibs and said, “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.“

As I was processing these deets amidst the chaos of howling, snarling, and my dog trying to crawl up inside my womb, I was simultaneously being asked to commit my whole Sunday to watching these giant furry a*holes rather than the previously requested hour, for a paltry sum of money. As many loyal readers of The Salty Ju know, I hate confrontation and awkward stranger interactions. I’d rather deteriorate into a skeleton than politely remove myself from an uncomfy sitch and saying no has never been an option for me. So when faced with this ultimately terrible dog watching set-up, I was ready to be like, “sure, babes, whatever you need!” instead of, “I’d rather die.”

So I nodded along like an idiot and when my dog was literally about to be eaten alive, I suggested putting her in the car before it got ugly. I went to bring her to safety and who trotted right out behind me but the escape artist herself in her easiest disappearing act to date. I was in shock. I hadn’t even been responsible for this dog yet and I already set her free into the wild. Knowing she had about 10 seconds before her mom realized what happened, she said SAYONARA, SUCKERS and took off down the road. What ensued next was straight out of a movie. The dog owner and her toddler son were not yelling the dogs name but speaking it at a normal volume and walking toward it at a casual ‘I just recently learned how to use my feet’ pace. There was no air of panic coming from them, meanwhile I was THE MOST frantic. I hysterically asked the owner if the dog would chase me if I ran in the opposite direction, seeking any sort of resolution, even one that might show what an uncoordinated blob of mashed potatoes I am. It was so far away at this point it wouldn’t have even seen my chicken legs take off to chase.

Not knowing what else to do to be helpful in this scenario and also riddled with guilt from being the gate-opening monster, I joined the search and rescue team that had more of a ‘hopefully this dog just runs back toward us’ energy about it. Several friendly neighbors stopped as they drove by and made things even more awks as they asked me about tendencies of a dog I’d met 5 minutes ago and told me to hop in with them to get it. Uh no sir, I was taught to never get in vans with strangers. Feeling rather useless, I took over toddler duty as I realized losing a dog and also having your 2 year old clipped by a car as he weaved all over the road shouting, “DOGGIE FREE!” might actually ruin this woman’s life. I held his little hand and vowed to not also set him free into traffic. After what felt like hours but was probably 10 mins, one of the neighbors got the dog into her car and happened to have a leash in there as well to prevent ole Seabiscuit from gunning for the Triple Crown again. As we walked back to the house the owner asked me if I babysit as well since I was so good with her son (read: I didn’t lose him) and I had to break it to her that I only babysit for families who I’ve vetted bring their A-game with a fully-loaded snack pantry. I’m kidding, I told her I actually hate kids. No but seriously, there’s a reason I didn’t join the Care app and it’s exclusively because it would be inapprops to say in my profile that I would only be willing to watch sleeping children so I can get paid to binge Netflix and my non-negotiable rate is $35/hr.

After that whirlwind, I thought FOR SURE she was going to state the obvious: that I was not cut out for this dog-sitting gig. But unfortunately for us all, she was ready to give me a tour of the house when we got back and I had to put my big girl panties on and do a lil practicing of the word no. I shared that I did not have the experience required for a 90 lb dog who would rather roam free like a Quileute shapeshifter than be constricted to a home. And then I beat it out of there as fast as I possibly could but not before I could think to myself, why would anyone with two kids under two add a third large breed dog to their wolfpack, a SIBERIAN HUSKY nonetheless, which was literally BRED to run?! This MF’er is pulling jailbreaks just so she can stretch her damn legs and stay in shape should she ever be called upon to sub in for the Iditarod.

Anywho, although it may be easy to dwell on the fact that I went along with this FAR longer than I should have, it’s important to celebrate my ginormous win here. Sure, I traumatized my dog with a 3 on 1 gang bang and showed that I’m inept at latching a gate BUT rather than saying sounds good, super excited to get underpaid to wrangle your poorly-behaved mutts who may or may not also wreck your house or run away and then texting her a cop-out once I was safely in my home…I said NO THANK YOU MA’AM right at her face. Round of applause for me.

Ok, now hold your applause because later this very same day, I tackled my first (and last) dinner shift for DoorDash. Scheduled for 5-7, I took my cocky delivery driver ‘tude out to the mean streets of Brick and was IMMEDIATELY humbled. I think it’s important to lay out my disadvantages for you right off the bat: I’m not from this area or this state in general, so not only do I have no clue where I’m going and have to rely on the GPS, but also I’m still on a learning curve with all of New Jersey’s stupid traffic patterns. The jughandle being the biggest culprit of my frustration. Sometimes you can take a left turn, sometimes you can’t. There’s no rhyme or reason to if it’s allowed or not, I just know that I’ll forever assume incorrectly and have to do an emergency three-lane sweep. Also, NJ loves to make an additional lane for .45 seconds and then taketh away. I’ll move over thinking I have to be in that lane for said jughandle and then BAM, lane is gone. I mean seriously, look at this ole ballsac lookin’ route just to hang a GD Louie. Not to mention the handful of times I’ve gone to the wrong location and realized I passed the right spot on the same side of the road, starting the whole crazy eights over again. It’s a miracle I haven’t yakked while driving here. Get your shit together, Jersey.

Secondly, I don’t eat at restaurants. When you live paycheck to paycheck, the easiest thing to save money on is takeout and if I’m gonna splurge on a night out I’d like to drink my hard-earned cash in the form of an espresso martini. So that means I don’t even have a general idea where restaurants in my area are because I don’t frequent them. Thirdly, and this is one I genuinely underestimated, I’m night blind. In my teen years I went to the eye doctor and got a pair of placebo glasses. They had no prescription but “glare resistant” lenses that were supposed to help with headlights at night. Mmk. Obviously I stopped wearing them almost immediately because they were basically what we now know as blue light glasses and they didn’t do shit. I also just figured no one can see at night?! I mean, is anyone really crushing it vision-wise in the pitch black cloak of night that starts at 4:30pm for half of the year?! You can get back to me on that.

Now that you understand my disabilities, let me now point out that basically nothing is in my control on DoorDash. They send me orders, I accept them all so I keep a 100% acceptance rate and I can’t see where they’re going to be delivered to until I pick the food up. Could be 5 mins away, could be 45 mins away. I have no real control over the timing of anything as restaurants could be busy, traffic could be bad, etc. I have no clue where I am so I just have to listen to the GPS even when it stinks and tries to send me on the Parkway. I refuse to give the state of NJ any more money on my own day to day travel so over my dead body am I paying a toll so you can get your burrito 2 minutes faster. All that to say, I’m at the mercy of all of these external factors just because I’m hard up for cashola.

Ok, enough exposition, here’s where the night went off the rails. I was dinged for an order at a diner, promptly got lost on the way because it was on the left hand side of a divided highway and GOD FORBID we be able to get across the street in this state. When I got there the order hadn’t even been started yet. Being the good lil dasher that I am, I messaged the recipient to tell them it wasn’t my fault. In the time I spent waiting, DoorDash was like hey how about you pick up another order on top of this one that’s clearly not on time, making it even more late! OK, SURE! Eventually I scooped both foods then followed Google Maps 30 mins away to a gated community where I had to give the address to even be allowed in.

Naturally my cool confidence was still oozing out of me as I nervously blabbed to the security guard that I’m new to the Dash game and didn’t know what I was doing…did he need my ID or a crisp C-note to open the gate for me? He took pity on me and opened the gate probably sensing that I was about shout FIRE IN THE HOLE and toss the food out the window to get the hell out of there. As I’m winding through this elite village, I finally stop when the GPS announces in her holier than thou voice “you have arrived.” Oh, have I, bitch? I was in a cul-de-sac and most certainly had not arrived. I circled once in my car then said fuck it and started pounding the pavement to get my blind peepers closer to the numbers. None of which were the address listed. I can only imagine how much the NextDoor app was popping off with olds raising alerts for the chick in a full sweatsuit circling with wild eyes. (JK there probs wasn’t any commentary because I’m a white female.) I was stressed and knew I had someone else’s chicky parm sub still sitting in my car getting cold. And if there’s one thing I vowed to never be again, it’s stressed out by a job that doesn’t even give me health insurance. It ain’t worth it, BB. So I dropped the food, snapped a pic and hoped this person’s actual house was close enough that they could just walk two doors down and snag their food. As I’m whipping out of there to get to my next delivery, I receive the following text:

CRUSHING IT. What’s comforting to know is that at least we live in a world where everyone is super rational and very kind and forgiving to those in the service industry. SIKE! I woke up in a cold sweat later that night remembering that she could make my career as a dasher very short-lived with just one shitty review because I couldn’t find her dumb gate-kept house. And not for nothing but who orders disco fries for delivery? I did her a favor by delivering it to the wrong house and saving her from a styrofoam container of cold wet socks. After that peak dashing faux-pa, I closed out the night by paying a toll to deliver Chic-Fil-A and missing the road because I couldn’t see the street sign, again trolling very far on foot to circle back (because of course it was a one-way road.) Struggling to find house numbers, I finally stumbled upon the right one only to be plunged into blindness once again as a security flood light flashed my eyeballs right out of their damn sockets. As my corneas burned through my skull, I managed to snap a picture of their sogz waff fries and drink that I almost spilled on my little apartment 5K that I didn’t even get a medal for and ended my dash. At the close of this banner day, I was awarded $30 for a whole lot of sweatin’ and squintin’ and the harsh realization that I can’t hack it on the apps. UNLESS…anyone out there wants to pay to see what I’m workin with down below. 😏

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2024

There’s no post-Christmas blues here! My very real Christmas tree is still atwinklin (smelling pine fresh and not dropping needles at all so definitely super worth it, MOM AND DAD) and it is *oprah voice* AWAAAARRRRDDDSSS SEASON! Due to the strike, Emmy’s have been pushed to this month and we’re going to get a wham, bam, three in a row to start and I’m foaming at the mouth for reasons to shout my fashion opinions into the void. As always, I like to include my credentials as top bitch Fashion Police. Look no further than the Barbie sweatsuit I acquired recently that makes me look like the offspring of Tony Soprano and Barbie herself. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic, FUGGETABOUTIT.

WORST

I can’t quite tell what the material is that created these weird skeleton lines but it’s creepy and weird. Update: it just photographs horribly, on TV it looked shiny Gold. But the deed is done so sorry bout it.

Is O wearing cRuShEd VELVET?! Barf all over me.

WHOA this is unflattering. The black and white orca combo deal falling right at her hips and then adding on a full skirt?! Makes her look like a real wide load and I know she probably isn’t .

The hardest of hard no’s to this Catholic school girl, Fat Albert style.

One word: Peplum.

This woman won and as she was walking up to the stage and accepting her award using dramatic arm gestures, I figured it was only a matter of time until one of those big ole titties dumped right out on camera. WHAT A GAMBLE. You don’t have a set of knockers like that and then not strap them up for your safety and honestly everyone else’s as well. I will never understand top-heavy women going strapless.

This is such a damn snoozefest. Sure she looks beautiful, I can’t imagine a scenario where she wouldn’t but COME ON with this shapeless black frock and basic blowout. Also she’s up for No Hard Feelings? Are we for serious? That movie was horrific.

This rubbed me the wrong way and I’m not even really sure why. Sure, I don’t owe anyone an explanation because I wear the high fashion Barbie tracksuit and therefore I make the rules and youse don’t. But I will say I think it’s the butt bow/train situation.

Honesty is the best policy and seeing Natasha on this red carpet sent a COLD shiver down my spine because I endured what seemed like 6 whole months (really probably 6 weeks) of Old Navy commercials where they gave her the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap special and her and another version of her both decked out in Old Navy duds screamed WOW over and over again until I wanted to literally rip my ears out of my skull and throw them into the ocean. So not only is this horned fringe frock a total monstrosity but if 30 years passed before I saw her again it would still be too soon.

I had the HIGHEST of expectations for Margot. She killed as Barbie. A stunning queen that is so flawless it didn’t for a second cross my mind that she wasn’t the actual idealized Barbie come to life. Each look in the movie was iconic and everyone in America agreed as she literally took over Halloween. My 6 year old niece wore her gingham number to trick or treat and I was legitimately jealous of her. But a glitter v-neck and a loofah as an accent? No ma’am, this ain’t it. She could’ve gone WILD, she could’ve been SO extra and over the top and everyone would’ve been like yes absolutely she’s just a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. And she went with this. What a disappointment. Even my sweat set blows this outta the water. (Y’all were thinkin it, I’m just sayin.)

Welp, at least Barbie and Ken go down together. This suit with a white outline is dumb and so are Ryan’s piecey bangs. YOU’RE RYAN GOSLING. You’re so stinking hot that people made memes of you for YEARS that just said Hey Girl and you can’t show up in your all-time best after you just depicted the fantasy boy toy?! Not to beat a dead horse but play into the Ken bit and show up in a ridiculously campy outfit. When else can you do that?! UGH guys, I mean do you need me to dress you too?! PS I realize this is the first awards show of the season and hopefully me coming down with the hammer now will result in amahzing Oscars getups for both Ken & Barbie.

This is fine but hits on one of my greatest style pet peeves of doing slicked back wet hair like you just hopped out of the shower. Ick city, population: me.

Say it with me now, POOOP SUIIITTTTTT. 💩

Love this lavender but if only she had lost this God-awful jacket. Or even ditched the puff sleeves on it because NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE PUFFY. Between flares coming back, we don’t need bell bottoms AND bell sleeves in our culture again. It’s too damn much.

I wanted so much more from him. This is dad at a wedding kind of lame.

This chick is just wearing pink saran wrap and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Lotta boob for me. I would’ve been cool with this if there was just a scooooch more coverage.

In the words of the late great Logan Roy, “Oh, fuck off.”

We get it, you have perky breasts. Congrats, booboo.

GIANT BOW DOES NOT A FASHION MOMENT MAKE.

BEST

I could honestly be swayed either way on this. At first I was like nah to the black gloves and put it on the worst dressed but now I’m re-examining and I think I’m kinda down with this 1950’s sexy vibe. Plus she went onstage to present right at the same time and I saw the open back with a cute tiny bow and that really sealed the deal.

I never knew I needed to see Emma Stone with a Sweet Home Alabama era Reese hair flip until right this second. How stinkin adorable. The sparkles on this gown have managed to make the embroidered flowers less granny and more chic. Top to bottom win.

Ok with these lil bobsie sleek hairstyles! Back to back and I’m here for it. Beautiful, shimmery and flattering gown for America, love the square neckline.

And this is a fabulous example of how to make a tulle bottom skirt work! Fantasia’s stylist should take notes.

My homegirl who often texts me just never misses on a red carpet. Old Hollywood soft curls and a baby pink princess gown. Chef’s kiss. Also I may have ranted and raved about bell sleeves but let’s make full flower bouquet sleeves happen.

Stunning sequin work. Looks like it belongs in a museum.

I’m not really a fan of the color green, especially a shade as boogery as this one, but Taylor is nothing if not calculated in each color that she wears in public. So if I know my Swifties, we’ll have a theory by the time the clock strikes twelve. All I took away from this is that her rack looks phenomenal.

A big proponent of male cleavage, we’ve gotta give credit to the trailblazer and godfather of splashy looks, Lenny.

I’m obsessed with a matching set and I’m obsessed with glitz so of course I’m gonna get down with a sequin lady-suit.

Thanks to Calvin Klein we all are picturing what’s underneath here, amirite?! WINK.

Credit where credit’s due, sparkle jacket. Also that necklace is like one step away from being puka shells and that’s a line I’m not willing to let anyone straddle. Get your shit together, Tim.

I want this dress.

His luscious locks are still the envy of most women and he even manages to pull off leather gloves without looking like a total serial killer.

Kate threw me for a loop here! I’d expect to see Lady Gaga wearing this onstage and I’m pleasantly surprised to see it on a red carpet. Those platforms alone are a risk, mostly for a body cast if she takes a tumble but also fashionwise.

Perf fash choice for the cool girl 70’s musician role that she played.

A stellar red moment and another bob! Bobs are back, BB. Should I get one? LMK.

I can’t tell if she’s wearing bedazzled glasses or if it’s just the reflection of the camera flashes but I like them. As someone who used to wear fake glasses all the time as a kid because I thought they were cute, I love when someone rocks a pair of frames. The dress is kinda hotel bedsheet supreme so let’s just focus on the specs.

Timeless! (Guys, my best dressed list is HEAVY for this one and you KNOW how hard it is to think of something original to say for each and every outfit so please accept that I’ve crushed it thus far and I’m starting to fade.)

Honestly a little conflicted here because it’s John Krasinski and it would hurt my soul to put both John AND the Gos on the worst dressed but also anyone who wears a suit jacket of this color looks just like a waiter/bellhop/valet. The goal should be to not look like someone in the service industry when you’re a rich person dressing for an exclusive invite-only awards show. But we’ll let it slide, just this time.

Kristen has been getting edgier and edgier in her fashion choices and usually I puke in my hands at the sight of them but this one works! Props to this dark sexy angel lewk.

This works. That’s all I’ve got.

OH OK HANNAH, I SEE YOU. She knows how to WeRk that hourglass figure and I love the contrast of this little Morticia numba against the purest of beige flower walls.

Almost blends right into the background. Sure I mock bows a lot but this one seems to be an appropriate size for the dress. Honestly it’s size and placement that get my knickers in a twist when it comes to bows. Don’t put it on the butt and don’t have it be comically large in a weird spot and I won’t roast the smithereens out of it.

Initially I was like KEVIN COSTNER IS BACK, YO! Those shades? Ultimate cool guy move. But then…he did one of the cringiest bits with America Ferrera while presenting and my sister and I exchanged a flurry of texts wondering if he was indeed ok. His voice was scratchy, he seemed real out of it and even the photo he posted was awkward. So someone pls do a wellness check on Kev.

You know my rule! I cut all of the snoozertons who wear the same black tux because they don’t deserve my fashion honors. It’s the risktakers I want to see like this bloke. His lapel is perfectly coordinated with the wall behind him.

Would’ve thought I’d hate this uneven hem but it’s doing exactly what it should be doing. A quick trick of the eye making her legs look hot hot hot. Great color too.

Is Elizabeth attending her own wedding?! Obsessed with the corset bodice and lace.

This is the closest Jen has gotten to “The Rachel” in years and how fun!! She looks sassy and youthful. She keeps it basic for her dresses usually but always looks like a 10 so no need to jazz that up.

She’s the Queen for a reason, people.

I genuinely forget that these two are married in real life and then a red carpet rolls around and I’m like oh ya. Look a lil stiff but this car wash frock is keeping things spicy!

Ya I know I dumped on her costar who was basically wearing the same thing but her version is just clicking better for me. Could be the skinny arm runway attitude.

It’s giving Amalfi Coast in the best kind of way. What a breezy leisure suit.

s/o this guy for giving me something different to look at. BUTTONS!

Chessie going for real life Jessica Rabbit in the best kind of way.

See John Krasinski’s caption for my thoughts on this shade of suit, but I’ll give it to him for the pattern switch-up. No, I did not get bullied into watching Saltburn like the rest of the internet did and surprisingly I have no FOMO.

GORGE. No notes.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

HOLY BOMBSHELL! Not in the original roundup that I scrolled through before drafting this blog, when the camera panned to her for her nomination I literally gasped. WHAT A MOMENT. The coordinated red, the buttons, the leg, the cleavage. ALL OF IT HELL YES. And an additional moment of silence for that ribboned ponytail. Suffice to say, Midge would approve. Would’ve killed to see her attempt to get up onstage in this but unfortunately she didn’t take home a Globe.

That’s it for me for this round, see ya next weekend. Goombah Barbie, OUT. ✌️

Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2023 Edition

The past few years have been so overwhelming with networks boasting MORE NEW ORIGINAL CHRISTMAS MOVIES than EVER BEFORE that I’ve set a date around Thanksgiving, preferably when I’m in the office, to curate a list. I don’t have time to watch every single piece of beloved holiday trash that Lifetime and Hallmark create, so instead I open the TV Guide lists in one tab, and Google images in another tab to gauge attractiveness of the leads. It’s a foolproof method, or so I thought, until I went to DVR two of the flicks on my list and realized they were from last year. You had ONE job, TV Guide. Get your shit together. So my apologies to all my diehards who rely on my list to narrow their focus for including a couple of gently-used movies. It won’t happen again. Next year I’ll be double checking dates while I assess if the guy is hot enough to commit to watching. Now that I’ve owned up to my mistake, here’s my official list that I was working off of this year (but of course strayed because my TV was basically showing movies everyday for a month.)

ExMas – Freevee (aka Amazon Prime)

This was hands down my favorite newbie this season and it has everything to do with the fact that I’m obsessed with Robbie Amell. He’s sarcastic and a total babe soda and if you haven’t watched beloved teen comedy The DUFF, you’re doing yourself a Robbie disservice. Anywho, exes Graham and Allie run into each other when Graham’s Christmas-obsessed fam thinks he can’t make it home for the holidays so they extend the invite to Allie who had no one to celebrate with. Obviously the result was Graham betting Allie that his family will kick her out by Christmas and them trying to sabotage each other. We all know every great movie starts with a bet. I was only ten minutes into watching this bad boy and I laughed out loud. Unironically! I think this is a Christmas movie first! It was fun to watch the war of the exes and even more fun when we get a bang, bang. bangity bang. (Spoiler alert, but also this is why more non-cable networks should be in the Christmas movie game, GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!) Will my top two movies both include sex scenes? Affirmative. Will that be the reason they’re my top two? I’ll never tell. Honorable mention to Graham’s awkward sister who quickly became my favorite character for her commentary.

A Merry Scottish Christmas – Hallmark

Brad and Lindsey are overworked sibs who don’t speak much anymore but their mom summons them to Scotland for Christmas. This is where they learn that their mom was actually supposed to be a Duchess but she ran away to America and if they want to be royals and take over the castle they can. Sick Christmas gift. Visually this movie is stunning. In fact, if I don’t spend at least one Christmas in a castle, I’ll KMS. The scenery is kinda the only saving grace to an otherwise pretty boring movie. I also hate to be the one to point this out if you didn’t notice it while watching, but I don’t buy these two as brother and sister. It was giving big-time we’re supposed to be playing siblings but we’re giving off romantic chemistry vibes. At one point Brad makes a life decision with his wife and Lindsey is like WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER. So maybe she wants to marry her brother? Just sayin, it did cross my mind. Honorable mention to the mom who grew up Scottish royalty but has a British accent as an adult even though she’s lived in America since she was 20. If there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s pointing out bullshit accents in low-budge movies. And of course, can’t forget to mention the nod to Party of Five (where Scott and Lacey played siblings who didn’t want to bang each other) by naming the bar they went to “Salinger Pub.”

Christmas Plus One – Lifetime (last year)

Speaking of weird sibling relationships. I wanted to relate to these sisters who are besties but then they showed their tradition of making Christmas wishes in matching jammies as adults and both of them wished to meet their soulmate and God, that’s insufferable. Amy meets her “soulmate” and is planning a Christmas wedding, and en route to that wedding, Cara thinks she meets her “soulmate” (please note that I’m putting this in quotes to reiterate the fact that soulmates do not exist IRL, just in RomComLand.) But oopsie, Cara loses his number and then spends the rest of the movie trying to find this guy again but enlists the help of another guy and yup, you guessed it, she found ANOTHER “soulmate”! This movie wasn’t awful but I will note that they leaned WAY too hard into the almost kiss AND just missing each other as she searched for the stranger she decided she should marry based on their love for Christmas. Lifetime LOVES an interrupted kiss but putting both almost kisses and almost run-ins together was incredibly annoying I basically spent the whole movie screaming JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.

Planes, Trains, and Christmas Trees – Lifetime (last year)

This bitch is so high strung with a stick up her ass that I truly couldn’t watch more than 5 mins of her squawking about making it home in a snowstorm for work. A rare instance, but sometimes they’re just so unwatchable that you can’t commit to the bit, especially when you don’t have anyone with you to turn it into a drinking game. #SorryNotSorry

Christmas Island – Hallmark

Andrew Walker is a fan favorite, so I was glad my sister had DVR’ed this pre-Thanksgiving movie so we could dive in together with a garlic asiago dip. I was even more glad when we turned this abomination off. The kids were more a part of the storyline than we originally anticipated and as you might remember, we don’t do kid-heavy Hallies. If you’re wondering what this movie was about look no further than my sister’s observation five minutes in: “The premise of this movie is fucking weird, they’re going to hold these people hostage on Christmas Island?” They sure are!

Never Been Chris’d – Hallmark

After cutting Christmas Island short, we landed on this gem about high school besties who fight over their crush as grown women and folks, this is our sweet spot. Especially because the almighty Chris Silver that these two bozos have been obsessed with since they were teens seems like he’s a little slow. There’s something not clicking upstairs for Chris and yet that doesn’t stop him from having women slobber all over him. Guess that’s what it’s like to be a man! (My sister did eventually confirm that this is just how this specific actor talks, and he’s not playing someone struggling with a brain injury.) As this entire high school gathers in their hometown at the holidays we’re treated with a CRINGEWORTHY scene where a group of former “popular” kids play Never Have I Ever-Christmas Cookie Edition where they all just relive how cool they were in high school, which obviously makes them giant losers as grown-ups. I don’t think this movie was trying to give off a peaked in high school vibe, but it reeeaallyyyy did. After a few too many group dates, one including a kiss (apparently Chris Silver is The Bachelor), Liz and Naomi play rock, paper, scissors for who will marry Chris Silver. Just kidding, Liz bows out gracefully and Naomi declares he’s the one after a tongue-less smooch. Merry CHRISmas!

Catch Me If You Claus – Hallmark

Avery Quinn is trying to be promoted to a news anchor and Santa is apparently in his thirties now. In the spirit of transparency, this movie took such a weird left turn that I also ditched it before the end. It started out normal then had like a crime storyline and suddenly it became a holiday heist movie and that’s really not what I’m signing up for when I pour myself a tall glass of wine to watch people fall in love at Christmas. Also Santa shouldn’t be my age. BYE BYE.

Christmas in Notting Hill – Hallmark

Georgia is a teacher in the US visiting her sister who lives in London and also happens to date the brother of a famous footballer, Graham. But before they find out their sibs are together, the romance between G-squared sparks with a classic slamming into each other at a Christmas market and he’s like come to mine and she’s like yeah why not go to a strange man’s house in a foreign country like the movie Taken never happened! Obviously it didn’t end in abduction, it ended like every girlie who grew up wanting David Beckham to be their boyfriend wished for, which is why I have a soft spot for this incredibly cheese-tastic movie. Somethin about dating an athlete (I guess Taylor Swift is rubbing off on us all) and London at Christmas made me put up with a whole lot of garbage. For example, when the sisters do a choreographed dance to a DAVID ARCHULETA version of “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” like that isn’t the biggest diss to THE YEAR OF THE N*SYNC COMEBACK. Or when their dad shouts every piece of dialogue because he thinks that’s what acting is. Or when homegirl wears a beret for practically the entire movie. There were LENGTHY pop culture references from Gilmore Girls to Ted Lasso and none of them made any sense. If you wanted to spice up your viewing of this movie, you could play a drinking game where you drink every time the girl who only brought one suitcase to London wears a different fancy coat (pssst, you might die.) But the cherry on top is when production went for the ole “full sheets of computer paper” blizzard. And YET I still loved it!

Laughing All The Way – Lifetime

My initial interest in this movie was 1000% based on needing to see how the most painfully unfunny network on TV tackles a movie centered around stand-up comedy. My expectations were rock bottom and Lifetime still managed to do EVEN worse than I imagined. Stick to serial killers and holiday romance, guys. Aubrey is a jokewriter for an insufferable old bat who is supposed to be a club owner and comedian but isn’t funny at all (you’ll notice a theme here.) It’s almost like someone watched Hacks and was like let’s take this idea, make it the opposite of funny and add Christmas into the mix! Mike Baxter is supposedly a big comedian who is coming back to his hometown to get in touch with his comedy roots again because he’s gotten too mainstream and Hollywood wants him for action movies and not stand-up specials. I think that’s what makes this movie steaming hot garbage, is that this supposed famous comedian comes back to coach this chick and somehow start doing a comedy duo when NEITHER OF THEM ARE FUNNY. I’ve gotten more laughs from an off-handed comment at the dog park and these two are performing material they’ve been writing for the entire length of the movie. The BIG finale set from Aubrey is just one run-on joke about asking for health insurance for Christmas. BLOW MY BRAINS OUT! If I sound enraged, please know that I am. Even my mom had one eye shut halfway to snoozeytown and goes “this movie blows” and she was not wrong. Check it out if you want to hear a bunch of people tell each other they’re the funniest person ever without anyone actually being fUnNnY. Or… if you want to see a guy try 90’s Adam Sandler jokey songs in the Year of our Lord 2023. I wish I could scrub this scene and the whole entire movie from my memory immediately. But mostly this scene.

Haul out the Holly: Lit Up – Hallmark

In a rare and special occurence, a subpar holiday movie from last year got a sequel! Leave it up to Hallmark’s reigning queen (since CCB trotted on over to Great American Family) to lead two movies this year, one being a sequel. If you’ll recall from last year Emily moves back to her wacky family’s neighborhood where they take Christmas so seriously, citations are given out for not having the correct sized nutcracker and her childhood friend Jared is the king of giving out citations. They fall in love despite the fact that this guy turned out to be a real loser, and now they BOTH foam at the mouth over Christmas. A little too much if you ask me. It started off a little culty with one telling the other, “I don’t feel like you’re prioritizing Christmas enough.” Then an annoying YouTube family the Jolly Johnson’s move to town and give me a headache within seconds. A war begins between the neighborhood vets and the newcomers about how Christmas should be celebrated, and the she-Johnson has such a punchable face and a shrill voice that I almost ripped my TV off of the stand and boomeranged it into the floor several times. I think the only reason I kept watching (and didn’t destroy my television) was because Wes can GET IT in those glasses.

A Cowboy Christmas Romance – Lifetime

We’re making history here as this marks the first cable TV Christmas movie to have an actual sex scene!!! What did we do to deserve this?! Oh yeah, suffered through THOUSANDS of shitty movies where the leads have an almost kiss 900 times and then close out with a dry peck as the fireworks finish. I’ve been Christmas cockblocked for too long and I’m thrilled to usher in this change. Next year all the movies better include penetration or WE RIOT! Anyway, this flick kicks off with Lexi spewing some real estate jargon about millennials which is a scooch triggering for me right now as I’ll never be able to afford a home and will rent until I’m six feet under. THANKS A LOT, BIDEN. I didn’t stay bitter for long because at the 12 minute mark we got a full blown makeout and Lexi didn’t even know his name yet. SCANDAL. For some context, Lexi traveled back to her hometown to get Coby Mason (such a hot cowboy name) to sell his family ranch. But the twist is that Lexi’s family owns every other ranch and she hasn’t spoken to them in a decade. There’s just as much family drama as there is romance but the romance in this movie is SEX-AY. The cowboy lays it on THICK talking about horses like foreplay then the “lets get it on” scene is everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed. These were the exact notes I took in the moment: “THE LIFT ON THE TABLE FOR A MAKEOUT HELL YEA! SEX IN A BARN. HOT COWBOY ABS.” Honestly this was a heartwarming family tale but all I will remember is the barn sex. 10/10 recommend.

Holiday in the Vineyards – Netflix

Carter’s a rich spoiled asshole with vineyard money and Valentina is a widowed real estate agent selling a shitty vineyard in a town where everyone makes wine in their garage. It was a real change of pace to see someone other than this man’s wife playing his love interest on Netflix but I gotta be honest that was just about the only thing that made this movie different from A California Christmas (1 & 2.) But if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, we love a countryside wine soaked Christmas with a side of gratuitous abs.

I normally hate a side couple storyline but Moe the hardware store owner/sommelier and Cindy the LaToya Jackson lookin’ white friend were fun and I was here for it. Even when she said “I did not always put the sin in Cindy,” I wrote it down in case my mom needs a Real Housewives tagline should Andy Cohen ever expand to Syracuse. My favorite part of this movie that I devoured the same night it was released to Netflix was the delicious Latin dance scene that had me feeling all sorts of nostalgia for an early 2000’s dance chick flick. It was like Step Up: Garage Vineyard and I was HERE FOR IT.

Sealed with a List – Hallmark

Carley is a NERD bomber who lives with a 70 year old woman who’s cooler than her. She’s made a list of things to accomplish before the new year and waits until Thanksgiving to enlist her entitled douche of a boss, Wyatt, to help her be cool/check everything off the list. Good fucking luck with making this chick cool, homeslice. In return, she’s supposed to help him be less of a rich douche. I started out hating this movie REAL strong but it actually grew on me and by the end I was rooting for this wannabe fashion designer who dressed and spoke like a little boy to get through her list and get her mans by the time her balls, I mean the ball, dropped. Probably helps that I L-O-V-E a list and seeing items get a satisfying checkmark makes me cream my jeans. Honorable mention to Carley’s BFF who moves to Italy for a year and comes back doing a SHITTY Italian accent and saying Bongiorno like the a*hole who studies abroad and makes it their entire personality.

The Holiday Proposal Plan (Lifetime)

What a DOOOOOOZY this one was. I am, of course, referring exclusively to the male lead’s most unfortunate hairstyle. I haven’t seen lettuce this bad since that demon from Supercuts hacked mine with a rusty machete in 2019, #NeverForget. I genuinely gasped when he entered stage left and then spent the next 10 mins photographing it from all angles so you really understand just how tragic this deep side part and floppy bang is.

BAD. This hurts my soul. In fact, I almost shut this movie off JUST because I was so triggered by this rooster coif. Then there was a moment of hope when he put on a winter hat and his attractiveness soared just by covering the male Snooki poof. I got all hot and bothered only to be immediately dosed in cold water when he plucked the hat off of his head and put it on his lady’s as a flirting technique. PUT IT BACK ON, GOOD SIR.

Anyway, if you must know, this movie is about BFF’s, one a travel writer and the other a broadcaster who have combined their “talents” to create a travel show. They’re mega annoying together, and blondie Brie is one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen on this network and that’s saying a lot. Her boyfriend wants to put her and her over-emphasizing words on ice but they’ve both bought rings for each other. So best friend Sunny decides to force a proposal for a couple that are taking a break for the holiday and also write about it for personal gain at work. Her ex boyfriend Kip with the hardest side part in history who dumped her last Christmas because she chose work over visiting his family is along for the ride to help scheme this proposal. We hit a real low when the gang starts singing, if that’s what we can call it. WHY MUST WE WEDGE CAROLING INTO EVERY G-D MOVIE?! Not even Sunny and her Christina Aguilera riffs could save this group singalong. Honorable mention goes to Traveling Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum workshopping a new show name and landing on “Gals Gone Global: The Wild Wild West Coast Edition.” Really rolls off the tongue.

Flipping For Christmas (Hallmark)

Ending on a high note so you don’t have nightmares about the previous hairline. Abby visits her family for Christmas and her sister tricks her into flipping a house that was left by dead grandpa Frank with his contractor Bo. ObViOuSLy Abby’s motive is to sell the house for profit and Bo wants to turn it into a B&B for the town. It’s a classic tightwad corporate woman vs. townie salt of the earth guy. That doesn’t stop these two from living out an HGTV wet dream, complete with a flirty paint fight where Bo is wearing the shit out of a set of pink coveralls. Barbie who?! He is KENough.

While we’re on the topic of Bo being a total dimpled beefcake, he also casj donned a cable-knit sweater that made me swoon my face off.

Alright, now that I’ve cleaned my slobber up, I promise that in addition to a male lead that’s gunning for sexiest Christmas movie cream sweater (reigning champ is Dylan McDermott in Miracle on 34th Street and that seems pretty obvious) this movie has an actual storyline. There’s something for everyone! Lots of deep meaningful talks about loss and letting life happen instead of being psycho control freaks, AND sexually frustrated flirty banter between two hot people. Plus, an adorbs town full of Christmas traditions…a Hally staple. The only downside to this movie (or upside if you drink every time it happens) is Abby’s sister who delivers each and every line with a side of bugging her eyes completely out of her skull. It is jarring to say the least.

Merry Christmas fellow trashy movie lovers! See you here next year–same time, same place to dissect the high brow (attractive ppl only) made-for-TV holiday cinema.

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2023

I find myself once again cable-less. At this point, y’all should have bets or a drinking game associated with if I have cable at the moment or not. I don’t get why cable doesn’t just sponsor this blog, we’re 9 years in and TV has been my life for all 9 of those years (and more). Throw a girl a bone, I CAN’T AFFORD STREAMING AND CABLE IN THIS SINGLE INCOME HOUSEHOLD. So anyway, here I am peering through the window of a nice family sitting down for dinner while I sit out in the cold, hungry. AKA trolling People.com for red carpet photos of an awards show I’ll never see. A slave to the fashion, if you will.

WORST

A lot of ladies went with a bold red matching the carpet to the drapes and honestly didn’t love it overall. This also is a personal bias of mine (how dare I let those slip into my blog that almost no one reads) but no gown will ever make a giant winged chest tattoo elegant, try as she might by covering it up with that criss cross style. SARRY BOUT IT.

My homegirl Mickey is one of the bigger names to show up to this shindig and this dress looks like a cheap Forever 21 number. Ya gotta be better than a bedazzled club dress in an Easter pastel yellow.

When I tell you I GASPED at Nicole. Even though this is what I imagine my body would look like if I were to ever quit cheese fries and chicken tenders cold turkey, is she ok? I’m starting to get a little worried about AMC movie theatres’ number one fan. Not as worried as I am about Keith still wearing lifts in a chunky 90’s loafer so he can reach Nicole’s lips for a smooch.

I hate to do this because I like the Stapleton’s but this is such an iconic Taylor Swift look that people literally went batshit for recreating…I mean I just saw this dress on FB marketplace advertised as “the perfect Taylor Swift costume” and it feels wrong to copy it so boldly on another red carpet. I’m sure Morgane is a Swiftie just like the rest of America and wanted to pay her homage, but it feels like cheating to approve. Plus it’s kinda a cheap knock-off too I mean LOOK at the flower variety below circa the Grammys and tell me you still like the pre-school arts and crafts version above.

WHEN WILL STYLISTS DO AWAY WITH GIANT BUTT BOWS?! Stop trying to make it happen, it’s NEVER going to happen.

I remain largely unconvinced that this photo isn’t an AI creation. Not knocking Maddie and Tae because they’re both beauties but this photo looks like one of those perfect makeup Bratz cartoon Snapchat facial filters. Gonna need a video of these two speaking to prove they were actually there and this picture isn’t a couple of robots.

This pattern made me break out in a cold sweat. It was a trend I had long forgotten and I didn’t even realize how horrifying it was until I was triggered by this dress. Remember the Y2K era of sheer shirts and distressed tattoo-like designs? Let me remind you.

DO NOT BRING THIS BACK. (She says as if the result of this search wasn’t where you can easily buy these exact shirts today.)

Well that’s certainly one way to make a statement. It’s not a statement I’m ready to accept but maybe some other fashion critic is tickled horny by this Xtina Dirrty music video getup.

Change it up my dudes. I’m convinced that these two wear the same exact thing at every awards show and I don’t have any facts to back that up. Of course you could always just look back on the archives of red carpets here to prove me right or wrong but ain’t nobody got time for that. This sparkly little jacket is giving off big time Vegas vibes and the awards show is happening in Nashville so STRIKE 3.

This dress is tacky as hell right down to the stripper heels as is having matching purple hair.

What we’re supposed to believe Post Malone is country now? Get the hell outta here, bro. Hand in your bolero at the door.

I’m SORRY WHAT?!

Are we just treating red carpets like a Halloween party now? This is literally just a Pretty Woman costume. That would be like me attending the Grammys in the iconic Andie Anderson golden gown wearing the Isadora diamond. I mean come on is anyone original anymore?!

These bell bottoms are OUT OF CONTROL.

Sick brown plaid suit, Luke. NAAAAHHHHHHT.

What the actual fuck are we looking at here? I mean furrealz Halloween was weeks ago and everyone has their Christmas trees up by now so WHAT IS WITH THE COSTUMES?! Is this a bit? Am I missing something? Cause imagine a cute girl like this was like I’ll only walk the red carpet if I can dress like a sexy construction worker and drag around a giant orange cone. She should be banned from all future awards shows for this stunt. Mostly because of the neon camel toe we were all just subjected to without warning.

BEST

This is just a good ole country boy happy to be here, shirt tassels blowing in the breeze.

As much as I wish that Luke Bryan stayed young forever shaking his hips onstage in a white tee, jeans, and a backwards hat, I understand that everyone must mature and he does cool dad leather jacket black tie just as well. His wife has always looked like a Golden Globe.

What a sassy little piñata jumpsuit!

Obsessed with everything about this dress.

Oh ok, Paula Abdul, I see you.

The only red gown I approved of because she flawlessly matched her lip and also didn’t completely rip off a fictional hooker from the 90’s.

Sara Evans serving a tasteful amount of leg and just the right amount of razzle dazzle.

Really into this coordinated hunter green situation. How very fall of them.

I like that Chris went classic Prince Charming black tux and let his lady shine as Cinderella.

I legit had to mop up a little drool after seeing this pic. Sure, Riley is Babetown USA regardless of what he’s wearing but he went RIGHT for my weak spot with this oatmeal suit. Every piece of clothing I have purchased in the last 8-10 months has been EXCLUSIVELY oatmeal. I’m going through an earth tones nude phase that I may never find my way out of and Riley absolutely understood the assignment. A classic choice.

This has got to be one of the goofiest poses that a red carpet photographer has ever captured which leads me to believe that this guy ONLY poses with his head cocked to the side like he’s confused and yet also intrigued. This gent is the first ever Golden Bachelor and we needn’t learn his name because he will fade into oblivion as soon as this season wraps up. Gotta give credit where credit is due, this blue suit is a GREAT choice which was his only saving grace from not getting absolutely roasted on my worst dressed.

Morgan Wallen chopped that God-awful mullet (take a hint, Kyle Cooke) and he’s clearly feeling fancy free and funky fresh with this burnt sienna jacket. It’d be even cuter if the mustache got deleted next.

Very into this half and half sparkle. Super flattering and fun without being tacky.

No clue what warranted a HubbHouse appearance at the CMA’s other than the fact that she’s on a full press tour bashing Carl. But I love a girl who is shamelessly doing post-breakup revenge looks. Hubbs spent all of BravoCon last weekend accentuating her assets and this jazzy gown full of cutouts and slits its no different. Eat your heart out, Carl. Less stress. More Life.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

These two are having a real moment in the spotlight right now. Instead of being the bitter bitch that I usually am, I’mma let them have it. WE LOVE LOVE! LET THEM BE IN THEIR LOVE BUBBLE! Kelsea is shoveling dirt over the grave that was her marriage by singing songs with snarky insults to her ex all while she’s gallivanting all over with her new hot piece BF that she got by sliding into his DM’s, ~~John B~~ Chase. She looks amazing, she just crushed her first headlining show in her hometown while he watched in the crowd crying at how beautiful and talented she is, and truthfully every song she’s released in the past year has been catchy as hell. And now that I’m done slobbering over two hot famous people banging, this pink gown and soft old Hollywood glam curls are Chef’s Kiss.

Television

Fall 2023 Netflix Round-Up

Sometimes I go on a real hot streak of consuming every piece of content that hits Netflix. Ever the charitable blogger, I’m happy to share with anyone who actually has a life, what you absolutely don’t need to waste your time binging. It also feels vital to point out that even though I may SEEM like a giant smelly loser who watches TV all the time, I happen to work from home 3 days a week and I do my best work from the couch, duh. It’s called MULTITASKING, ever heard of it?

*Even though I’m mouthy as hell, I will not include any spoilers so you can decide just based on my strong opinions if you should watch, as my opinions are definitely more important than your own.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Season 1: 10 episodes | Season 2: 10 episodes (50 mins)

Kicking off this list by including a show I actually watched over the summer. Sue me. For anyone who ever texts me for reccies (or asks me what she should watch every weekend, lookin at you mom) sometimes I forget about a show if it’s not currently new. So that’s why I wanted to shove this one in your faces. It came out last year and there are 2 seasons available and a third on the way. Based on the book/movie/true life story(?) genuinely don’t know if this is based on a true story but that feels right. Hot shot lawyer Mickey Haller is known for always driving around/working out of his Lincoln and this series follows his high profile cases and his juicy love life. This show has got it AWL. Everyone in it is hot, ESPECIALLY Neve Campbell who legit hasn’t aged a day lookin like a damn snack, it has crime, mystery, family storylines, cliffhangers, drama, comedy, and of course romance. Whatcha waiting for?! Check it out, yo!

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Another kind of “old” one, this came out a while back and I added it to my list because I knew I had too many different cities of housewives on my plate to be able to give it my undivided attention. I finally watched it last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed this tour of Whitney’s greatest hits. Honestly, I never knew much about Whitney’s background/personal life other than her being a super sweaty crack addict with Bobby Brown because that’s what was happening in my formative years. I missed her glory days in the early 90’s because I was an infant and not yet consuming pop culture. So color me surprised when this movie starts with Whitney and her bestie Robyn gettin HoT & HeAvY. I knew they were rumored to have dated at one point but I didn’t know they lived together and then when Whitney got her record deal she was like let’s just be BFF’s, no scissoring now. And that was it. Robyn just stepped down as her girlfriend and worked for her for like 20 years. WHAT A HERO. That is the true definition of a bigger person. Gets dumped so Whitney can look like a hetero to the press and have kids one day and homegirl still stands by her. Anyway, that’s not really a spoiler because the movie spends like 10 minutes on this but clearly that was the biggest takeaway for me, Robyn is a ride or die. I guess that phrase is a scooch insensitive seeing as we all know how this movie ends. But you get the point. The movie also clued me in to what a BFD the below performance was and how basically no other singer would be able to vocally accomplish the range in this medley.

Love Again

One of my favorite traditions in life is to watch something horrifically bad and then pretend it was good to get someone else to watch it and suffer alongside me. This tradish goes hand in hand with my hard and fast rule that if I have to see or hear something terrible, everyone else does too. My sister is well-versed in this as she’s usually the unsuspecting victim who will get a random picture of an ugly baby on a Wednesday. IF I HAD TO SEE IT SO DO YOU, BOO. And with that precursor, I think we can conclude how this movie was. I’m always hard up for a new romantic flick and I was rabid to consume this, I think I caught it on opening night (Yikes, Julia, get a social life.) I wish I could’ve unseen it. Celine Dion plays herself in this movie and for whatever reason doles out love advice while the male lead listens to her music on repeat and quotes her lyrics back to her. I love the SHIT out of Celine Dion. She’s a hitmaker and a legend and her French Canadian accent will forever make me giggle. And yet, I don’t need a romantic drama centered around her giving dating tips. Also the premise of this movie was CREEEEEEPY. Mira loses her boyfriend in the first 5 mins and we watch her go through the stages of grief and then start texting her dead boyfriend’s number as if he can read it in Heaven. And Rob accidentally receives these texts. Whoopsie, guess phone numbers don’t die with people, they just get transferred. Classic mixup except that this stranger READS ALL OF HER MESSAGES and uses them to find her in real life and pretend they just bumped into each other and start dating. EW TIMES A MILLION. Even my homeslice Celine couldn’t fix this atrocity of a movie with a power ballad.

Love At First Sight

Bringing things back up with this one, I swear you can always count on movies meant for teens to clean up the mess that romances about thirty-somethings made. Hadley and Oliver have the meet-cute of the century when they end up on the same flight to London just falling in love in the air. Every time I’m on an airplane I wonder if I’ll meet the love of my life and then within 4 seconds of taking off when I immediately go lights out I remember that if anyone ever talked to me for the entirety of a flight, I’d be one of those people who opens the emergency exit just to see what happens. Being stuck on a stinky recycled air tin can with your knees to chest is already punishment enough, no need to add chitchats. Luckily for these two cuties, they were flying business class and got all of the perks of the rich so it was like a 7 hour first date and not mid-air get to know each other torture. Classic rom-com trope: not getting each other’s number and having to find each other in a big city. Supes realistic, but this movie had weddings and funerals and young love and it was a fine little Friday night flick. I ugly cried but that’s not saying much because I do that a lot. I just have a lot of feelings. PS I thought FOR SURE the dad in this movie (Rob Delaney) was a gay guy trying to play a straight and not really succeeding so I raced to IMDB to look him up and it turns out he is very much married to a woman and let me tell you…overtly flamboyant is a CHOICE for playing a straight dad. Totally threw me off.

Beckham

4 Episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

I was SO excited to see a doc about Becks and even more so when they teased a clip of Victoria sharing that they both came from humble beginnings and Becks pokes his head in the room and goes let’s be honest, Victoria, what car did your dad drive you to school in? And when she answered a Rolls Royce after he forced it out of her, he ducked back out of the room. You mean Becks and Posh were British pop culture royalty of the 90’s AND they’ve got witty banter?! Sign me up. Well that clip was mostly false advertising as this was really a doc about David’s soccer career. Not really a soccer fan considering I’m a trash American who calls it soccer, so a lot of this was snoozeworthy. It did, however, give glimpses into their romance, which I ate right up. I didn’t know David was such a diva who demanded perfect hair at all times, nor did I know that the world literally shit bricks every time he dared to change his hairstyle. Guess we all feel invested in this perfect male specimen. True to a doc about famous figures, produced by said famous figures (ahem, the MJ doc) it was a real puff piece all around. We didn’t get any intel on the affair that Becks definitely had while he was in Spain, just a real gloss-over job of “that was a difficult time in our relationship.” Obviously I wanted the dirt, but they’re not about to air their cheating scandal out 20 years later. It’s a great watch for anyone who has followed Becks or his career through the years or likes sports, or for someone like me who is just nosy and looking for juicy tidbits. If I could watch a weekly reality show on David Beckham grilling mushrooms in his private kitchen and then kicking it with his wife and kids listening to Islands in the Stream, I’d be happy as a clam.

@tim_summerss
“THATS ALL I DO” #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #netflixdocumentary #manchesterynited #manunited #manu #hollywood #celebrity #celeb #realmadrid #psg #lagalaxy #networth #fyp #hot
♬ original sound – Tim Summers

@harpersbazaarnl
David & Victoria Beckham dancing together in their new documentary: ‘Beckham’ Footage: Netflix #victoriabeckham #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #documentary #beckhamfamily #dancing #harpersbazaar
♬ origineel geluid – harpersbazaarnl

Fair Play

This movie came out and I kept seeing tweets about it so when my mom asked me what she should watch, I told her this title and said I hadn’t had a chance to see it yet but it’s been buzzed about. Wouldn’t you know that sneaky lil B mom of mine watched it and goes, “it was interesting” and so I watched it a couple nights later and it was APPALLING. Did my mom just beat me at my own game?! Did I inherit this game from her?! It’s all coming together. WHAT A TRAP that I watched this. The opening scene is Emily and Luke sneaking off to a bathroom at a public party and when Luke goes downtown on Emily, he comes back up lookin like a crime scene and her silk gown is covered in her own blood. YUM! And THEN he proposes. WHAT A FAIRYTALE. My first thought was EW my mom watched this immediately followed by DOUBLE EW my mom watched this and then was like you should watch too! The rest of this movie was downhill FAST. Emily and Luke are both sellin stocks and she gets a promotion and he doesn’t and he turns into a real dick about it because his precious man ego can’t handle her being better than him. Tale as old as time. It was two hours of Phoebe Dynevor struggling to mask her British accent because she was supposed to be from Long Island and it ended in one of the weirdest standoffs I’ve ever witnessed between a couple. A real shitshow start to finish proving that just because there’s buzz on Twitter, doesn’t mean something is worth watching.

No Hard Feelings

I’m aware of the fact that this was actually a blockbuster release in theaters before it made its way onto Netflix. Other than pulling a big name like JLaw, I’m wondering why this movie got funding to be a theater release. In a rather washed up comedy trope, Jennifer’s character Maddie is a broke a$$ bitch looking to do anything to save her childhood home from being snatched back by the town, and Percy’s weirdo parents are willing to hand over a car to anyone who will boink their introverted 18 year old son. Maddie is supposedly 32 in this movie and goes hard in the paint tossing her hot pocket at an 18 year old who looks like he’s about 15 and that’s where I’m out. It was giving off big-time statch rape vibes and I cringed so hard that my face hurt when this movie concluded. Not to be sexist but when older men pursue younger women, the women at least LOOK like they’ve hit puberty…guys these days look like they’re 12 until they’re 30. I don’t make the rules, I just know I don’t want to watch a romcom that is eerily similar to a Lifetime movie about Mary Kay Letourneau. Why do you think they cast 30 year old dudes in high school shows? So we don’t feel like a bunch of pervs lusting after a senior with a six pack DUH. Anywho, this movie made me WANT to cover my eyes many times and *ACTUALLY* cover my eyes during one particular fully nude fight scene. PS Matthew Broderick’s look in this movie is also pretty jarring. A far cry from the leopard vest wearin’ babe soda he once was as Ferris Bueller.

Super Pumped: The Battle for Uber

Showtime & Netflix, 7 episodes (60 mins)

Quick rundown of this series and every other series that focuses on someone from Silicon Valley: they are a selfish and greedy asshole. That pretty much sums it up. The Zuckerbergs, Jobs, Musks, Gates, and Bezos of the world are all the same. They’re smart but they’re also not above stealing ideas or breaking laws to get what they want. And Travis Kalanick of Uber is no different. Do I love and regularly use every single product that all of these white men have “created”? Sure do. But that doesn’t mean I need to see Hollywood make another biopic or series about a self-centered butthole who tries to justify being a terrible person by calling himself a “disruptor?” NOPE. Do yourself a favor and skip this one because it’s the same as all the others. Also, FWIW, super boring and drawn out. Not even my Lord and Savior Coach Taylor could make this palatable.

Old Dads

This is the EXACT movie you’d guess it is once you see that Bill Burr wrote, directed & starred in it. So if you want to be angry at the world in all of its wokeness, saddle up partner. There were a few moments where I laughed out loud but mostly it was just the same old jokes with heavy handed old school conservative vs new age libby undertones. As you might infer from the title, this movie is about three old dads. They work together and are navigating parenthood for the first time as a bunch of old crusties and basically fighting with every youth they cross paths with. It serves its purpose in making fun of the current state of the world and I didn’t mind it but if Bill Burr’s rageaholic style of comedy isn’t your preferred brand, I’d say don’t tune into this flick. Also, I may have gotten more than a little triggered when their new boss who is in his twenties calls himself a “disruptor” because I had just finished binging the aforementioned series about Uber-douche who used the term disruptor 8 zillion times and if I ever hear that dumbass buzzword again it’ll be too soon.

Pain Hustlers

When Netflix is on a whirl with something, they don’t stop until every angle of every story has been told and that’s certainly the case with the opioid crisis. I feel like I’ve seen about 5 options just in the past year of big Pharma related content. Spoiler alert: the doctors and drug sales reps of this industry are JUST AS TERRIBLE as the silicon valley turds. Three cheers for the richest people in our country also being the worst! And probably getting richer the more we write books and create movies about them!!! Despite the world going to hell in a handbasket and me sitting on my couch shoving a cookiewich into my cookiewich hole consuming it all for entertainment, this was a decent movie. I mean, I don’t know how it couldn’t be with Chris Evans and Emily Blunt at the helm. Based loosely on true events not an actual person, Liza Drake’s a poor single mom who can’t seem to make enough money to take care of her kid until she finds herself working as a pharmaceutical rep and skyrockets into richie rich-land unfortunately at the cost of basically anyone who uses this drug. The company gets the Feds on their tail because apparently when you prescribe fentanyl spray to people who have addictive tendencies for a migraine and not for cancer side effects, you’re probably going to get those people hooked and/or overdosing like nobody’s biz. I may have never dabbled in recreational drugs but every idiot on the planet knows fentanyl is the big bad wolf so suuuure let’s just spritz it on our tongue whenever we have an ache or pain! PS Phoebe can take an acting class or two from Emily who flawlessly gave us a Florida accent in this movie with no detection of her Brit roots.

Get Gotti

3 episodes (50-60 mins ea)

With Italian blood flowing deep, it would be sacrelidge of me not to love a good mafia joint. I’m all over any new peek behind the curtain of Cosa Nostra like Sunday sauce on a meatball. In fact, when I studied abroad in Italy, I took a whole class on the mafia. Gotta pay respect to my ancestors where it’s due and obviously the only way to do that is to watch a series about how BALLER it was to be a mafia boss and thank my lucky stars I was never alive during the height of this madness because I would truly poop my pants. Gotti made the mafia a little *too* mainstream in the 80’s acting more like a celebrity and less like a guy who kills people for a living and unfortunately, it didn’t end so well for him. But this series showed me what a disaster it was for THREE law enforcement branches to take him down and I know I’m not supposed to laugh at the incompetency of cops and cheer for a stone cold killer but it is a little bit funny that between local, state, and federal investigators, they were ousted by a bad guy this many times. This series wasn’t too drawn out like many can be and I’d definitely recommend to anyone like me who is a crime/mafia junkie.

Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had

Every once in a while I dabble in the latest stand-up special that drops. I’ve seen Heather before via her podcast or TikToks that she does and I think she’s pretty funny. Unfortunately, that didn’t translate to stand-up comic level of funny for me. Comedy is super subjective and different brands are not everyone’s cup of tea. So I guess I can’t really tell you whether this is worth watching or not but I can reveal that I didn’t laugh at one joke, and I’m gonna go ahead and declare it a bust for me, personally. She talks a lot about her childhood, her weight, and the death of her dad, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Big Vape: The Rise and Fall of Juul

4 episodes (45 mins)

I don’t even know why I smashed play on this. To be honest I only just started it as I wrote this blog and immediately in epi 1, my trigger term disruptor was used and I wanted to Hulk Smash the TV. This series follows the rise of those little thumb drive lookin ciggies that have become all the rage with the youths. I was clearly looking to get pissed by watching this because I famously make fun of Gen Z on this blog and Juuls and vaping is EXCLUSIVE to that generation. Dressing like the Olsen Twins circa 1993 and pluming it up on a flash drive. That’s what they do best. One kid featured in this doc had a collapsed lung from how much he was vaping and he RECORDED them inflating his lung again for the Tok. Ope, hang on a second, Doc, gotta make sure I set up my tripod/ring light and catch this for all of my followers! OUR FUTURE IS IN THEIR HANDS. Ok now I’m just getting mad about it again and basically transforming into Old Dad, which honestly is my personality anyway. The best/worst part about this series is that they created Juul to be HEALTHIER than cigarettes. LOLOLOLOL, yeh, sure, ok, babes.

Love is Blind, Season 5

11 episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

Obviously this show is not new and I’m not recommending it as it’s been around for quite a few years now. I’m here to cancel it. That’s right, The Salty Ju cancels Love is Blind. This last season which ended mid October SUCKED. It sucked so bad that I think the entire premise has jumped the shark. Love is no longer *TRULY* blind. They couldn’t even drum up enough couples to follow this season. They’re casting people that have already dated, they’re erasing couples from the edit with no explanation, past cast members have publicly declared they were starved and emotionally abused in the process, half of the couples break up or get divorced after their final reunion or “catch-up” episode airs. It’s just all shady shit. It’s not even fun to laugh at these clowns anymore. (With the exception of the photo above, the only time I truly laughed out loud this season when they did Izzy the DIRTIEST and had him sitting like a toddler with his legs dangling as he tries to impress his future bride’s dad who thinks he’s a poor schmuck.) We will never be able to recreate the magic of Shane looked tweaked out as shit on his wedding day, try as he might to keep doing so on the interweb. Even host Vanessa Lachey pissed people off so much during the Season 4 reunion that I thought for SURE she’d get bounced and yet she was back this season after a stern meeting with HR I’m sure, as she was notably more subdued and not foaming at the mouth asking if each woman was ovulating and when they would present the first LIB child to sacrifice at the altar. At this point I can’t stand Vanessa so much that I hope the show gets cancelled just so she’s out of a job because she 100% should’ve been shit-canned after S4. So you heard it here first, LOVE IS BLIND IS DEAD.

Might I suggest an alternative? Hop on over to the Bravo universe where there are 14,000 reality shows full of dummies to immerse yourself in. Not to brag but I decided at the beginning of September that I was sick of being left out of the Summer House dramz and watched all six seasons and the two seasons of chilly spin-off Winter House in less than a month. When I put my mind to something, I really get after it. Instead of enjoying the last warm weekends of a beach summer, I was Mrs. Send It with Kyle, Amanda, Carl, and Lindsay right in my living room. Who needs real friends when you can just rip and tear it up with a gang who can afford to live in the Hamptons every summer and wreck the mansion they rent by filling the pool with tea for their 4th of July party?! If this doesn’t show you how qualified I am to deliver hot takes on the latest streaming content, I don’t know what does. Strap in for winter folks, cause it’s gonna be a long one.

The Salty Ju

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