Author Archives: Thesaltyju

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Lymes in the Sand”

 

dubai

I’d like to toss it into the suggestion box that I would never ever like to see a full 10 minutes of women packing for a trip ever again. Once you’ve seen them pack for one, you’ve seen them pack for every trip they could ever take. They’re rich and they have a lot of outfit options and unlimited amounts of money to check 100 bags. Their husbands watch them pack because they have nothing better to do and the women sneak new purchases by them. I’M OVER IT.

Anyway, before I’m forced to relive my least favorite pre-trip chore six times over, some of the ladies are still in NYC for Yolanda’s Lyme event. What’s important to note about this event is that not only has Joe Jonas attended with his then girlfriend, Gigi, but he also gets his own lower third without even having to speak. (AS IF NO ONE KNOWS WHO HE IS) Too bad he’s not GiGi’s boyf anymore. Bravo execs are already salivating at the chance to work Zayn into an episode for next season.

At the Global Lyme Alliance gala, one speaker references the hardest part of Lyme as having to prove to her friends that she was sick. Kyle aptly hides behind her napkin. She feels guilty the whole night and tries to pin everything on Rinna. Kyle’s like oopsie now that I’ve been educated I probably should’ve stopped all the gossip. LoLz.

Lisa couldn’t attend the NYC trip because she had to fly to London to renew her passport. Hey Lisa, you’ve been in the US how long? Just become a citizen. Does it really make the most sense to fly to another country just to update your travel docs? It makes about as much sense as Lisa gifting Max with something “so small” for his hard work as a food runner. Apparently Jeep Wranglers are microscopic nowadays.

After appropriately packing (or deciding to fly their 3 man glam squad on vacation with them) the ladies arrive in Dubai. Their “suite” in Dubai is basically a mansion and Bravo doesn’t miss a beat to tell us that it’s $40,000 a night. Eileen gets an underwater suite, Lisa/Kyle and Erika/Kathryn each have to share but I don’t want to hear a peep of complaint from these hussies because they can’t even find each other in their monstrous residences. In attempts to blend with the culture (I think?) all the ladies wear muumuus to dinner. Sorry, not all the ladies, Kathryn is wearing a signature Beverly Hills leopard dress. Gawd, KATHRYN, adapt to your vacation surroundings! Kyle comes through in the clutch and gives everyone matching loud muumuus so that Kathryn can get to stepping and change into her loose fitting caftan to match the group. There’s literally nothing like seeing an array of bright robes sitting on the ground eating hummus. These ladies are so one with Dubai that I forgot for a quick second that they’re actually the worst. They reminded me quickly, when they spent the whole snack time rehashing Yolanda’s Munchausen’s drama and Lisa’s web-spinning ways. Cheers to friendship.

lisa-dubai

While everyone bonds over the newfound breeze they’re getting to their hoo-ha via their muumuu’s, Yolanda is moving out of her infamous Malibu home. Brandi visits because all the women who hate her are across the world, so it’s safe. She talks a lot of trash about Rinna and her wigs, wears a gold lame top in her confessional, and drops 100 F bombs. Good to see you haven’t changed a bit, Brandi. Now please go away again. Foreva.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/14/16

1. Think twice before you eat food, YOU ANIMALS. 

This is Seth Rogen’s latest venture and obviously it has all the key players of a Seth Rogen production. It’s dirty and it has all of his BFF’s in it. Apparently it’s the very first R rated animated movie. I can definitely get down with it. Except for the whole bun character. I don’t need to stare at an animated vagina for 2 hours. Jus sayin. Really makes you think twice about how you’re considered a murderer every time you shovel food down your gullet. JK CARROTS CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK, GUYS. I’m going to go ahead and keep inhaling food at an alarming rate, thanks.

2. Child Stars who aren’t F’ed up.

Since everyone knows the 90’s was that hawt shit, today’s tv and movies are doing everything they can to feed off of that decade. Next up, a reality show featuring child stars Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner), Christine Lakin (Al Lambert), and Beverly Mitchell (Lucy Camden). It’s supposed to follow them now and show how well adjusted they are. (I guess we’re going to gloss right on over Jodie Sweetin’s casual meth addiction…) I’m not sure if this will be must-see TV. UNLESS Bev spills on what it was like to tongue Lance Bass on the set of 7th Heaven. Lucy may have been a diehard Christian but that didn’t stop her from being all about that bass and I’d love to hear some juicy deets.

lance

3. Taylor Swift the swimsuit model. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_jaOUDvGT/?taken-by=taylorswift

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_jtBajvGy/?taken-by=taylorswift

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_kJdot3HT/?taken-by=calvinharris

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_k8m4t3Ih/?taken-by=calvinharris

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC_lkvFt3JV/?taken-by=calvinharris

Taylor and Calvin just rang in their one year and decided this week to celebrate with a bunch of bikini shots of Taylor in a tropical location. HOT DAMN legs for days. Who knew Tay had it in her? Suddenly the girl who only showed her belly button one time and it was front page news is striking mad sultry poses in a bikini (still no belly button b-t-dubbs.) Calvin’s bod ain’t so bad either, I guess.

4. Mariah tries to stay relevant.

mariah-carey-side-eye

Mariah Carey got a reality show called “Mariah’s World” on the Kardashian network. When asked about the show, Mariah said,“I thought it would be a good opportunity to kind of, like, show my personality and who I am.” Since Mariah is a notorious asshole diva I’m assuming she’s trying to rehab her image a touch. Watch her plan her billion dollar wedding this summer on E!

5. Hit the gym, bruh.

Standard
Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Forever and For Always”

Screen Shot 2016-03-16 at 11.06.43 PM

Real talk, this could’ve been the series finale. (I wish it were.) There’s no better and more perfect ending than the long-awaited country wedding for Deacon and Rayna. Four years in the making, the wedding was not without a liiiiittle drama but in the end everything was adorbsicles.

All smooching drama with Markus Keen is long forgotten as the past month has been SUCH a whirlwind for Rayna planning her wedding and doing his press tour. Ray, don’t act like you can’t afford the world’s best wedding planner. I’m assuming that’s who this random bitch is who shows up 10 minutes into the episode to interrupt Daphne and Maddie singing? Seriously, the little angels are onstage dedicating a new song to Deacon and Rayna and everyone on God’s green earth finds this as an opportune time to chitchat with the couple. Maddie continues to rub it in Daphne’s face that HER dad isn’t rotting in jail for some money laundering and hooker timez. This doesn’t sit well with Daphne, I guess because she stops singing. After the rehearsal dinner, the paparazzi ask Maddie which dad she likes better and Deacon decks him. Then our new random character that plans weddings slash does PR (?) for Rayna announces that the paps have learned her wedding location and so now they have to get married in a barn and take a lot of decoy rides to this top secret location. Ugh, the lives of the rich and famous.

Also, hey, Tandy’s back, ya’ll! PS she still hates Deacon and she’s spreading that hate through the Conrad family like wildfire. After the paps incident, Maddie’s questioning whether Deacon is a rage-aholic as well as an alcoholic cause she’s not dramats or anything. And Daphne pulls the ole cough cough I’m sick, like no one is going to question her missing her own mother’s wedding. This obviously causes Deacon to freak out like a baby betch and peace right outta there. BYYYEEEE DEACON, HOPE YOU FIND YOUR BAAALLLLSSS!!

ByeBuddy

At the wedding of the century, we have a couple of comebacks. Layla’s back. She left town because her boyfriend died saving Juliette from a drunken suicide. Remembs? Bucky throws a generic “it gets better” toward her. Real supportive stuff. Colt is also back (without his poor AF dad) and wastes no time scrambling over to Layla and revealing the truth. She promptly boots and then devises a sneaky plan to get back at Juliette because how else would you get over your shitty boyfriend’s death?

The ragtag gang of Will, Avery, Scarlett and Gunnar successfully make Rayna’s wedding all about themselves. Will is being blacklisted by the closeted gay Wade Cole and doesn’t want to attend such a high profile wedding and have to talk about his life, so he sits this one out. Avery should have sat this one out because apparently Nashville is a place where semi-famous people and other country singers think that it’s appropriate to ask Avery no less than 1 million personal questions about Juliette, who he has to keep lying about. Seriously, I don’t buy it that anyone would be this interested in his life. What a bunch of asshole friends Rayna has. And of course, Gunnar vows to be Scarlett’s wingman and sucks at it, much like he sucks at picking women. Apparently he’s still “dating” roadie ho Erin? Scarlett’s like wah all these guys are terrible and ends up swaying in Gunnar’s arms because OF COURSE.

The three drama Q’s who are trying to sabotage Rayna’s wedding all change their tune when Rayna’s like hey guess what I’m marrying Deacon so ya’ll can GTFO if you can’t be Team Deyna. Jk she only does that to Tandy—to the girls she’s a little more sensitive, which they don’t deserve for being such turds and causing their mom stress on her wedding day.

tandy

Meanwhile, Deacon’s chilling with dead Bev. This seemed like the perfect time for ghost Bev to make a comeback and roll her eyes at the premise of Deacon marrying Rayna but alas, I think we’ve finally seen the last of ghost Bev. Instead, Frankie tails Deacon and tells him to haul ass back to his wedding and stop being such a chump.

Finally, the moment has arrived and Deacon makes it back just in the nick of time to not look like a total d-bag. Scarlett & Gunnar’s “When the right one comes along” plays over the wedding montage of some real sappies. First thing’s first, let’s address Rayna’s wedding look. The dress is great; I have no problems with the dress. I do have a problem with tying her famous loose waves to one side and tossing a weird bun pinned in the back. What is happening there? LET IT FLOW, RAYNA. Don’t mess with it!!! Anyway, the vows are lovely (we get it, LONG time coming) and there’s no mention of Deacon almost killing his bride to be, so that’s nice! The kiss and dip was a real SWOOON and even better is when Deacon slow dances with his girls to make sure they don’t hate him anymore. This fam couldn’t have been happier than if they were sangin’ “A Life That’s Good”.

Screen Shot 2016-03-16 at 11.45.28 PM

Sidebar: not everyone’s happy because apparently the honeymoon’s over for Colt and Maddie now that he’s like REAL into his farm chores and BFF Granddad now. It was fun while it lasted I guess, but Colt can’t live the bad boy life foreva. He’s seen some shit. Also Avery leaves the wedding abruptly in tears. So things are a little dicey on his end.

For the grand romantic finale, Deacon carries Rayna over the country house threshold, serenades her with a slow ditty and then they bang it out right there on the couch. HUZZAH!

Standard
RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Hearing Is Believing”

nyctrip

“Something is not being honest with Yolanda”-Rinna the Prophet

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode and I’m praying that I didn’t miss that little slice Camille making out with another third cousin royal like she did during her last season party appearance. I guessed that she’s holding some sort of charity dinner? I can only assume this from the jewelry Kyle is dropping mad dough on and the way that the rest of the coven is using this time to attack each other some more about their dumb drawn out fights.

Hey Rinna, in case you think I’m being subtle, I’m talking directly about you. Rinna still hates Yolanda with the fire of the hot sand she sat upon one week ago bitching about how fake Yo’s life is and weaving a very Mafioso web of lies about who started what. Rinna would like Yolanda to know that she’s not kosher with the pic that was posted of Yo, Kim and Brandi lunching. Yo is like k whatever, MYOB. There’s an actual point in the fight where Rinna is referring to #RealFriends (no really, A HASHTAG) like she’s writing a term paper and looking for an APA citation to support her claim that Yolanda is fake. Yolanda didn’t even post the picture so ya better check your bibliography, Rinna.

In this week’s, let’s balance out being assholes with a charitable activity, Lisa plans a march to stop Yulin, aka a Chinese annual event dedicated to assaulting dogs like nobody’s biz. It’s a cause that’s very close to her heart and her and Ken have planned this gathering for months. I’m embarrassed that Lisa made it sound that hard because what a shitty march it was. No one really knew where they were going, they had a police escort (soft, much?) and a couple people shouted “Stop Yulin Forever” a few times before retiring to Pump with their fearless leader for an icy glass of rose. Yulin is so dunzo. Mission accomplished.

Lisa Vanderpump Along With StopYulinForever Supporters March To End Dog Cruelty In Yulin, China

The women fight more about Lisa being “manipulative” and we get a gratuitous flashback to Rinna telling Kim she loved her…in Amsterdam…the day after the wine glass hulk-smashing. I don’t know how this is related to anything that was being discussed but I would like to formally tell the producers to knock it the F off with the same 3 Amsterdam flashbacks. Let’s bury Amsterdam forever, along with the “YOU STOLE MY HOUSE” clip. K?

Dubai appears to be happening because Kyle wants to go SO BAD and Kyle gets what she wants. Although, to be honest, I doubt she wants a trip with these people she’s paid to be friends with who fight every time they get a glass of vino coursing through their veins. On a private plane to NYC for Yolanda’s Lyme event (?) Kathryn is forced to apologize to Tom for being a real dick and she doesn’t really. They just hug awkwardly. What Kathryn should apologize for is the black tight skirt she wore to Lisa’s house earlier that was covered in sunflowers and probably directly from 1992. If only it was a baby doll dress.

90s

Rinna and Eileen can’t attend Yolanda’s thing because they have to go to the luggage store and gossip. Who chooses these locations? Sit on a couch in the privacy of your home to hypothesize that Lisa really is the Fredo Corleone of the group. (This comparison will fall flat with the majority of housewives fans.) At least Eileen can still get me to laugh with the very self-aware, “I’m gonna spend thousands of dollars on new luggage so Kathryn likes me!”

Back in NYC, the girls party in the Jewel suite. They have no idea what this means. It’s essentially a very expensive hotel room with jewels randomly placed in glass cases and in the walls.

getsthepeoplegoing

Yolanda is feeling well enough to slap on a pair of sexy heeled boots and kick it with her friends. She goes to play a ditty on the piano and David insults her and tries to steal the spotlight because he’s insufferable. He continues to be the WORST when she makes a toast to him thanking him for his support and love and he goes, “We’re gonna make lemonade out of lemons,” immediately followed by, “Girls, get in the Jacuzzi.” So poetic. So David. Then he bitches to his friend *too* close to a mic that he hates his marriage basically. Kick rocks, David. Go play the piano by yourself in the Jewel suite and think about what you’ve done.

selfie

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You

ben-higgins-jojo-fletcher-finale

In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.21.58 PM

JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.21.12 PM

The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.34.23 PM

While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.

jojocleav

Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 10.39.50 PM

They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 12.01.40 AM

Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)

Standard
RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Objection Your Honor”

Erika

“Just relax girl, you don’t have to hit us over the f****ing head with your personality.”

I love Erika. I love her in a, I would probably never get along with her but she’s the only honest bitch in this pack of hoo-ha’s, kind of way. Erika hosts her first dinner party solely so that these gossipy hags can meet her old AF husband and probably insert their opinions all over the joint about him. Pre-dinner, Erika chitchats with her makeup guys—who just so happen to be wearing shirts with “Erika Jayne” printed on the back in Pussycat Dolls font. Slay.

PCDhoodie

Instead of pretending like she’d just prefer to have her top chef cater the party, Erika comes clean and admits, “Here’s the thing, I don’t cook.” Own it, grl. Erika even allows Rinna to strut into her house wearing a leopard dress. Rinna has the nerve to be pissed that everyone’s jackin her leopard thing. That’s my latest update in ladies who think they own patterns/colors. Lookin at you, Vanderpump.

sammie

In the end, there isn’t a throw down over Sammi Sweetheart’s signature style on two grown women. What’s even more shocking is that Kyle is Jewish. Since when is Kyle Jewish?! Have I been ignoring this for several seasons? Anyway, she can’t come because she has Yom Kippur. Eileen can’t come because she has a real job. (This is becoming a real trend here, wtf Eileen?!)

Kathryn starts off the evening on a hot streak when she tells the hired help that Rinna doesn’t eat so don’t bother offering her apps. Rinna handles it by telling her to stop pretty aggressively. In Kathryn world, stop means ALL SIGNS GO because she hammers on Rinna to eat two breadsticks at dinner in front of the group. She’s all, Gawd, Rinna HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. This is red flag numero uno that Kathryn is a real crazy bitch. The dinner pretty much spirals into Kathryn vs. everybody and yikes is she the worst. She yells, points fingers, LoLz at eating disorders, tries to force a friendship with Erika full of fake eyelashes and then makes a heel turn to tell Erika she’s not winning this fight.

Lisa attends the dinner pretty much just so she can flirt with Tom, make more spider web “nonsense” comments and bounce for a supposed charity event. What Lisa doesn’t remember is that Tom does NOT like to be interrupted. He basically tells her to shut up because she tries to cut him off. SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. He almost put a muzzle on Erika at their last dinner outing. Do NOT speak out of turn around Tommyboy. Since Ken only attends things to over-defend his wife with offensive comments when she doesn’t really need any help, he plays his part here. Ken tells Tom he’s acting like a judge when really he’s only a lawyer. Ohhh, Zing. Go back to sleep, Ken. Props to whoever wrote that line for him though. Emmy-worthy dialogue. Almost as good as Tom’s stunned interjection of “Do you guys do this all the time?” Yes, Tom. This is what the Housewives franchise was built on. Stop watching Perry Mason and get with the program.

Later in the week, Kyle & Erika play pickle ball, which is essentially a made up sport. They sip lemonade afterward and talk about how they should jet off to Dubai. When discussing the dinner party, we learn that Erika’s husband was pissed at her because she’s not allowed to have friends who behave like that. Or she’s not allowed to behave like that? I’m not following. Either way, her husband is controlling her and as a friend (a person who watches her on TV), I’d like to tell her I’m quite concerned.

Meanwhile, Kathryn tells her hubby that she’s going to try and be more feminine and less like bull in china shop. Also we get to see his abs gratuitously. Lick. Then we follow Kathryn to her hearing checkup. Even though Kathryn’s kind of a turd, it’s important to remember that she can’t hear at dinner parties. Feel bad for her.

I don’t feel bad for Rinna, who has essentially morphed from one of my favorite kewl chicks to this season’s Kim. She rarely makes sense, she’s pretty paranoid and I’m not really sure that anyone else on this show likes her. Eileen might be the newest to start distancing herself from Rinna after their visit to the beach. This is where Rinna spews some “come to Jesus” stuff about Lisa and Kyle starting the whole Munchausen thing and essentially saying she doesn’t doubt that Yolanda’s sick, but she totally doubts that Yolanda’s sick. Eileen is like why do you have so many trust issues you psychopath?

rinna

Yo and Kyle discuss email etiquette, when to CC, when to blind CC and when to start an email with “Happy Friday!” and move on with their lives. Supposedly.

email

After the charity Soul Cycle from hell, Kyle and Mauricio SOMEHOW still get all the ladies to agree to paint a house, Habitat for Housewifery style. I still don’t quite understand how these two got everyone to sign on for this; I mean do we think they promised that Donnie would work on the roof without a shirt or something? Lisa and Kyle think it’s their own personal open mic night and test out a few web jokes for Erika. Ba-dum-ch—she hates them and doesn’t laugh once. Not one to allow a joke to land flat as much as Kyle does, Lisa puts an end to the web talk. Erika and Kathryn put an even bigger end to the spidery comments when they yell at each other a lot and don’t even pretend to help paint this person’s house. I hope the residents of that house sat on their couch last night watching this and wondering if their trim ever got finished. Kathryn was adamant that her narc status did no harm and Erika is adamant that Kathryn sucks. (Samesies.) Eileen and Rinna are on Team Erika and TEAM WOMEN EVERYWHERE. GOSSIP IS NOT MEANT TO BE REPEATED. In the typical housewife way, they fake hug it out and everyone is ALL GUD. Except for Tom Girardi, who stays up at night plotting to get back at the women who have dared to interrupt him.

tom

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- A Cluckin’ Waste of Time

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 9.04.54 PM

“It makes sense now, watching it.”-Olivia

Here’s our lovely Bach tradition of putting a bunch of disgruntled betches who have just had all their gossip aired for America to see all in one room so that they can show off their new haircuts and let a live audience full of over reactive ladies from the Midwest judge them. Did I miss anything?

According to the first segment of this useless 2-hour filler program to draw out the wait for the finale, 50 middle schoolers have a pajama party every Monday night for the Bachelor. That’s some bullshit. I was NEVER allowed to have sleepovers on school nights…or watch-party bangers. Chris and Ben “surprise” a bunch of people watching The Bachelor. K.

Strike 2 is the return of Tiara, the chicken enthusiast who we only remember from her pre-recorded vignette where she only talked about all her chickens that she probably gets intimate with. Her lifespan on the actual show lasted one night when she was boring AF and Ben sent her packing so that he didn’t have to learn her name. Well, in gimmicks of all gimmicks, she’s been invited to “Women Tell All” to sit there with a chicken on her lap and do nothing else. I would’ve killed to be in the writers’ room for that one. An idea board is hoisted behind the conference table with “how can we work the chicken enthusiast back in??” Light bulb: have her chicken Sheila just sneak into everyone else’s shot and at one point attack Lace mid-program. Ding, ding!

Screen Shot 2016-01-04 at 8.29.10 PM

Other than allowing live poultry to observe this event in its entirety, we learn that Jen is a real bitch that HATES Olivia’s stinkin guts and Jubilee really was enemy no. 1 because she was yapping about being the only full black girl to make it this far. Reverse racism? Specifically, the two half black girls were pretty TO’ed about this comment. Who is who? Well let’s see, both Amber and Jami are half black, have decided to get the EXACT same haircut/style, and have their tits out for the boys. THEY’RE ALSO BOTH BARTENDERS. If we’re going to take a stance on race and race relations, pick two girls who aren’t THE SAME PERSON to do so. Jus sayin. Either way, Jubilee’s like whatever I never said that, but I guess I’m sorry. And Amber (?) blows her kisses. Genuine behaviors all around. So in summary, everything’s Gucci in the bi-racial Bachelor community.

Afterward, Jubz takes the hot seat where for her entire “interview” Chris Harrison does nothing but stare at her and will her to cry. She’s grateful that Ben gave her a chance at love even though her entire fam is dead and also she’s still active duty and could absolutely drop all ya’ll bitches with the flick of a wrist.

In resident Bachelor crazy land, Lace is suuuuper uncomfy watching her own highlight reel. Same, girl, same. I can imagine that her watching this season is much like what it would be like to watch a live feed of the bar cam whenever I end up at the Boom Boom Room in Saratoga. A lot of slurring and a whole lot more eye rolling. But I digress. Lace is proud of herself and feeling great now and everyone in the crowd is really supportive of this turn of events. JK they all roll their eyes off of their heads and toss dirties like nobody’s biz. Suddenly, a random crowd-monger steps into the light and tells Lace she’s “crazy beautiful” and flaunts his full-face tat of her, ON HIS RIBCAGE. Yikes. Pre-crime on a billion trillion. It was concerning enough, but then Chris Harrison told this stranger not to touch Lace and that’s when you know you need to change your address. Lace is invited to Bachelor in Paradise because she’s a loony, and obviously she accepts.

LACE

During the gang up on Olivia segment of the scheduled program, everyone uses Olivia’s dumbass quotes to show her how stupid she is. I.e. Amanda calling “being a mom” her jam and Jen announcing that all the girls “like to read books and talk smart things too.” (But probably not the twins, right Jen?) Speaking of the asshole twins, they have no problem loading up all their ammo to shout things at Olivia and give their best stank face (as one.) They call Olivia a bully and when Leah’s like hey remembs when you two talked shit about her breath and her calves? Twin 1 was like THAT’S BEYOND THE POINT. It could not have been a more perfect response. CLASSIC hypocritical hate hate hate. Olivia is embarrassed about her mouth and her dumb sentences and just thinks she doesn’t have the right personality for that type of situation. She tearfully apologizes to all the teen moms out there and admits that she’s gotten a lot of social media hate, to which Chris scoots closer and is like WHAT EXACTLY DID THEY SAY, OLIVIA? Apparently Chris was really hoping Liv would read some of her cyber insults Jimmy Kimmel “mean tweets” style.

And of course, the most obvious choice for Bachelorette, Bubbly McGee Caila keeps a polite smile plastered to her face for the entire show until she’s called to the stage. They gracefully replay her big giant dumping and as the video fades of her sobbing in the backseat of a car and whining about how she still loves Ben, Chris goes “what’s going through your head as you watch that?” Spoiler alert: IT’S BEEN REALLY HARD. Caila also declares that now that she’s seen how Ben looks at JoJo and Lauren, she wants a love like that. So I guess she’s looking for a Mormon. Just kidding, she’s just setting herself up to step right into the Bachelorette role by artfully saying that she was hurt, but she’s still open to love. Ugh.

Then Ben is invited to come out and dodge everyone’s questions by saying all the ladies are amazing. But before we get into that, I’d like to point out that Ben is such a wiener, even when I tried to search a quiz on Buzzfeed to see if I was meant for him, they were like no, don’t do that…it gets better.

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 8.39.45 PM

Once I did find the quiz, I’m sorry to say that Ben and I are NOT meant for each other. I feel pretty good about it though because as Chris points out immediately, Ben is an I Love You slut. Chris then continues to slobber all over Ben and I start to question if maybe he’s a little jelly that Ben didn’t say I love you to him?!

Then the ladies get a chance to clear things up with Ben and ask dumb questions about why he didn’t like them, my favorite one being Leah who saw Ben compartmentalize relationships but then he totally narc’ed on her to Lauren. And Ben rightfully replied, but you talked about my other relationship…so I had to address it. Hey Leah, when you talk shit on camera, it typically comes back to haunt you. Be better than your black eyebrows and blonde hair. Apparently her and Lauren are good now though, so no one has to worry about that. *Fake Gigglezzz*

Then in the biggest question of the night, Ben is asked to tell the twins apart. He succeeds because a cameraman obviously tells him which is which. It doesn’t matter Ben, they’re both big giant bullies who wear skanky rompers “because they can.”

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 9.04.28 PM

The grand finale is a pretty decent blooper reel where a lot of people miss their mouth while drinking. Stars, they’re just like us me. See you next week for the DRAMATIC ENDING of Ben crying a lot like a lil baby bitch.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/29/16

1. The Museum of MK&A.

winninglondon

Shout out to Lindsey for tipping me off to a kickstarter that funds a museum dedicated to the Olsen twins. Unfortuantely, upon further research I learned that this pitch BLOWS and I will be personally offended if anyone donates money to it. Instead of creating a 90’s utopia where everyone is required to wear bucket hats and pastel tinted shades, where you can watch unlimited “You’re Invited” movies, put anything your heart desires on a pizza and shop til you drop in the Magical Mystery Mall (did I just create Heaven or WHAT?!)…these two morons are raising money to display paintings of MK&A dodging the paps in NYC. No seriously, here are some examples…it’s BLASPHEMY.

2. Country Fire Flames.

It’s beginning to be that acceptable time of year where I don’t get downright depressed when listening to country music because it’s the dead of winter. Now that we’re getting closer around the bend to nice weather, I’m happy to bump this new jam from Jake Owen and pretend I live somewhere warm and full of southern gents.

3. Nothing is sacred. 

troybolton

High School Musical 4 is in the works because WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Seriously? High School Musical worked because when it came out the Disney channel was still cool and their original movies still rocked real hard. Now, the disney channel’s leading show is a fakeout sequel of Boy Meets World that really is just about two weird and annoying 6th graders who wear heels every day to middle school. Stop ruining shit, Disney. You’ve done enough.

4. Blue Ivy Rulez, Everyone else Droolz.

Look, we can dump all over the halftime show all we want but don’t say Uncle Chris tossin Blue Ivy around didn’t just explode your ovaries, ladies. Seriously, be cuter. YOU CAN’T.

5. Fuller House Season 2 Confirmed.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I got Fuller House over with as fast as I possibly could. The writer who said it was the worst pilot this year wasn’t being ridiculous. It really was. What’s even funnier is that Stamos is now teasing an Olsen twins comeback for the second season. They pretty much took a dump all over the twins in several very pointed and unfunny lines of dialogue in Fuller House so what they should be hoping for is the twins’ decision not to sue them. I don’t think they’ll be returning for season 2….I encourage everyone to watch this show so I can have a compadre to make fun of it with but other than that…no. Just no.

poor

Bonus: Obviously it was a light week for the JUice…but on the good news side of things, The Salty Ju is currently working on expanding into the business world of the internet…and by that I mean I’m working on selling my suuuuper KEWL pop culture-y mugs for all ya’ll. So get revved up for the debut of that next week. I know, I know… how are you supposed to sleep all weekend knowing that’s coming atcha?

Standard
RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Not Easy To Love”

kim

What was once one of my favorite housewives traditions has been dumped on this season with one fell swoop. The dinner party used to be as sacred housewives event chock full of catered meals the host pretended to cook, dirty looks and drama invented over whose place card had a heart and whose didn’t. Well, not anymore. Now that Yolanda has been incapacitated with lyme-ness, she hasn’t been able to throw one of her famously douchey dinner parties with her creepy counterpart in an entire year. We’ve gone a whole year without David forcing Yolanda’s friends to sing and then quickly telling them they better not once he hears their terrible voices. Anyway, Yolanda tries to bring the old dinner party magic back and it goes horribly, horribly wrong. Why? Because everyone hates each other. Kyle and Lisa meet up beforehand to strategize how fake they’re going to act to Yolanda and once everyone arrives at the restaurant they make the sound decision to address their beefs right there at the table.

Upon greeting Yolanda, Lisa would like to make sure she’s forgiven for something that she NEVER did because Lisa has NEVER done anything wrong. Yolanda cries. Hot start to dinner. Then she asks Eileen if they’re good or not for the 100th time and for the grand finale, Lisa confronts Erika to talk about the cobwebs she weaves from her 68 year old vagina, or something. DON’T GET CAUGHT IN LISA’S WEB, KEN. Erika, my glittery blonde Barbie holds her own with her first dinner party attack…EVEN THOUGH she was up at 4AM patting dat puss.

At the other end of the table, Eileen is still steaming about Lisa’s bullshit. Then Kathryn is called down to repeat what Erika said again so Rinna can be part of the drama. Next, Eileen and Rinna start having conflict because Rinna won’t agree that Lisa is a shady MF’er. Are you keeping up with all this? No, of course not, because this is dumber than a bunch of 11 year olds gossiping over their lunchables in middle school. What’s even worse is that the only adult of the group, who owns up to what she says, Miss Erika “I Woke Up Like This” Jayne, is like WTF Kathryn, I assumed our conversation was confidential. And Kathryn’s like nah I repeat everything, so that’s on you. So basically Kathryn’s a shitty gossiper, and therefore a terrible woman. What female doesn’t know the hard and fast rules of talking shit? Nice knowin ya, Kathryn. You won’t be back next season.

What’s the perfect dessert for a dinner full of immature bitches choosing sides of the table? A private room performance from one of the classically greatest voices in the world, of course. Seriously, this group of turds gets to listen to Andrea Bocelli perform Ave Maria like he’s a jazz singer at a nightclub. How undeserving. Kyle sees this as a sign from her mom to go check on Kim and also cries. Rinna calls it f****ing SURREAL. Classy reaction from a classy broad.

After this dumb dinner party that wasn’t even exciting and disgraced the reputation of a Yo dinner party, the rest of the episode was essentially inconsequential. Rinna freaks out about her daughter’s tonsillectomy and her daughter requested she buy a wheelchair upon her recovery, so at least she’s not being dramatic. Kyle pretends to cook dinner for her kids and dog to eat off the table and announces she’d like to check out her heritage in Ireland. Mauricio’s like great, we’ll buy a house there, probably. Lisa shows America how obsessed she is with Yolanda’s ex-husband Mohammed as he builds her a pink playhouse for her backyard. I’m assuming this will be the ponies’ main residence. Eileen meets up with Erika and Yolanda to rehash her Lisa beef even more than I thought could be possible.

In the theme of beating a dead horse, Kim also comes out of the shadows and makes a physical appearance rather than just a verbal appearance spewing out of Rinna’s mouth. (LoL at Rinna suggesting she send Kim a birthday text. Maybe she should add the wine glass emoji for laughs? “Ha-Ha Happy Birthday Kim, remember that time I hulk-smashed a wine glass right in your face? Hope you’re sober xoxo, Rinna.”) Kim visits Kyle to have a “healthy conversation”, which in Bravo speak is: show every embarrassing and hurtful clip of these two fighting over the past 5 years that we can get our grubby hands on. Welcome back, Kim!

Out of all this garbage, one shocking fact from this episode shone through and I’d like to address it head on. Kathryn met up with her sisters for lunch and they talked about their family and mom and blah blah blah but Kathryn informed us that all four children in her family were conceived on birth control. WHAT. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. This should be on a sign in my gynecologists’ office. Hey birth control is fun and stuff, but essentially DOES NOTHING. I mean seriously, once a year I pay to have someone probe around my downstairs with a metal clamp just so I can get a prescription to something that doesn’t even work?! Have a nice week everyone and close your legs unless you want babies!

Screen Shot 2016-03-02 at 10.45.03 AM

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- I Love You, I LOVE YOU ALL!

pinkshirtponders

“I’m gonna try to find my wife in one of the most romantic places in the world, doing some of the most romantic things.”

I was salivating at the chance to dive right into Ben taking three girls to poundtown on consecutive nights but unfortunately first we had to listen to him recap how he felt about each girl (FROM THE BEGINNING) in an electric pink button down. Not only was he yelling because the ocean locale was less than ideal for filming, but he also apparently forgot WE’VE BEEN WATCHING ALL SEASON and probably don’t need to be reminded of the three girls left.

CAILA

Finally, it’s date time and the first one is a doozy. Ben takes Caila rafting down a murky river to the tune of ethnic flutes. Thank God for the native soundtrack because otherwise we’d be listening to crickets, literally. After rapping back and forth about how exciting the day is, they’ve run out of things to talk about. I half expected Ben to be like, look…a tree! Ben uses his buzzword of the episode “emotional rollercoaster” to ask if Caila is ok. She’s not ok, which is fine because she’s as good as gone anyway.

rafting

Later on, Ben’s like WTF was today? And Caila’s like I’m scared and then she tells Ben she’s in love with him and they smooch and violins play. Caila knowingly tells the camera that she’s in love with Ben, “when we take a deep breath together,” and she’s reassured because, “I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” Apparently since Ben and Caila can’t hold a conversation, they’ve had a lot of experience just breathing on each other. That’s love. Ben invites her to the fantasy suite and fireworks go off during their foreplay. Thanks for that, ABC.

The morning after, Ben asks if Caila wakes up looking this beautiful every morning and she gives him a sly smile. Good answer, Caila. Good answer. And that’s how you trap a man when makeup and hair are on standby. Ben does the walk of shame right to his date with Lauren – oh the joys of Fantasy Suites.

 

LAUREN

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 8.44.55 PM

Ben and Lauren (who’s wearing shorts so tight and far up her asshole that she’s waddling) save baby sea turtles and it’s probably the cutest date ever. Way better than Caila’s silent log jam followed by a pile of meats on a table. But then Lauren has to ruin it by saying she’s going to be with Ben as long as the turtles will live. Do the math, Lauren. Don’t be a moron.

findingnemo

Ben tells Lauren she’s too good for him (yikes) then they frolic in the ocean and probably (definitely) stomp on a bunch of the baby turtles they just returned to the water. There’s a double rainbow, obviously.

At night, in a tropical crop coord, Lauren tells Ben the same exact thing Caila told him one night earlier. Because Ben is a dud, he does not understand that every woman is threatened by him having sex with two other girls at the same time. BUT, if there’s one thing these two need, it’s S-E-X and you betcha Chris Harrison is gonna deliver that fantasy suite in his swoopy female handwriting. After Lauren lays down the groundwork with a couple “you’re the man of my dreams”, she sees that Sandals suite and goes for the big reveal. Even bigger…Ben SAYS IT BACK. And not even just in a “love you too, grl” way. Ben says, “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.” Now that they’re two consenting adults in love, I said a bang, bang, bangity, bang. (No fireworks though…sux 4 you.)

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.49.28 PM

In the AM, Ben brings Lauren coffee in bed like a MF’ing dreamboat. They sip in front of their private pool, where Ben lays the L word on her again. What a renegade! Who would’ve thunk shy, unlovable B.Higgs would be such an I Love You rule breaker. As he heads to his third romp of the trip, he muses that telling Lauren he loves her complicated things. Oh, RLY, Ben? Special shoutout to ABC for thinking shutting the door and making sleepover innuendos aren’t enough for us to get it…this pan to Lauren’s dress on the floor was just shy of hearing Lauren orgasm with a mic pack on ala Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season.

subtle

 

JOJO

Since these women are on a strong path to making me feel like a hippo, JoJo is the second girl in this episode to leap into Ben’s arms. Wut3v3r. They take a copter right on over to a Jamaican waterfall where naturally they cliff jump togets. Metaphors, amirite? They take the plunge, which gives JoJo the courage to say she loves Ben (but she didn’t say he was her person.) Ben says I love you too and JoJo’s like SAY WHAT?! So he repeats it. DAAAAMMMNNN, BENNY, back at it again with the I LOVE YOUS!

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.25.12 PM

Later, JoJo reiterates how shocked she is that Ben broke #1 Bach rule and confessed his love. This is BEFORE she realizes she got a sloppy seconds I love you. Tossing it back to the hometown date, Ben addresses the fact that JoJo’s brothers are D-bags and JoJo’s like oh they’re just overprotective and would murder anyone who ever broke my <3. Aaand I bet this is around the time Ben starts to regret playing it fast and loose with the love-whoring. In the fantasy suite, JoJo rambles on and on in a bikini about how much she loves Ben while they prepare to become lovahs in their private hot tub.

lovahshottub

The next morning JoJo thanks Ben for being honest about his feelings and he’s like yes we’re on the same page now. Did JoJo tell another girl she loves her and I missed it? Darn. Not sure that page is quite the same.

In a plot twist, Caila wants to surprise Ben, which is kind of sad because he’s already basically forgotten about her at this point. I mean she was dunzo the minute she turned into a mute on their date. She sneaks up on Ben and puts her hand over his face for a surprise kiss. What a risky hello.

surprisekiss

Ben’s like oh great timing, I don’t love you—and in brutal TV dumpings, Caila has essentially walked right into this one—or galloped, in a bikini top, obv. She gets in the car then whiplash gets out and wants to know if he knew this whole time. AKA Caila wants to know if he boinked her when he knew he was sending her home. Ben may think it’s AOK to tell two girls he loves them on TV, but at least he knows enough to lie here. Caila cries a lot in the car ride home and still looks beautiful and God help us if she’s the next Bachelorette. I can’t take this sunshine chick on uppers persona for another full season.

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 9.48.49 PM

At the useless rose ceremony (that they still feel the need to draw out with dramatic music), Chris Harrison finds out that Ben L-bombed them both and pops a bag of popcorn for the big show. Gotta wait two weeks for that!

Screen Shot 2016-02-29 at 10.00.00 PM

 

 

Standard