RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Objection Your Honor”

Erika

“Just relax girl, you don’t have to hit us over the f****ing head with your personality.”

I love Erika. I love her in a, I would probably never get along with her but she’s the only honest bitch in this pack of hoo-ha’s, kind of way. Erika hosts her first dinner party solely so that these gossipy hags can meet her old AF husband and probably insert their opinions all over the joint about him. Pre-dinner, Erika chitchats with her makeup guys—who just so happen to be wearing shirts with “Erika Jayne” printed on the back in Pussycat Dolls font. Slay.

PCDhoodie

Instead of pretending like she’d just prefer to have her top chef cater the party, Erika comes clean and admits, “Here’s the thing, I don’t cook.” Own it, grl. Erika even allows Rinna to strut into her house wearing a leopard dress. Rinna has the nerve to be pissed that everyone’s jackin her leopard thing. That’s my latest update in ladies who think they own patterns/colors. Lookin at you, Vanderpump.

sammie

In the end, there isn’t a throw down over Sammi Sweetheart’s signature style on two grown women. What’s even more shocking is that Kyle is Jewish. Since when is Kyle Jewish?! Have I been ignoring this for several seasons? Anyway, she can’t come because she has Yom Kippur. Eileen can’t come because she has a real job. (This is becoming a real trend here, wtf Eileen?!)

Kathryn starts off the evening on a hot streak when she tells the hired help that Rinna doesn’t eat so don’t bother offering her apps. Rinna handles it by telling her to stop pretty aggressively. In Kathryn world, stop means ALL SIGNS GO because she hammers on Rinna to eat two breadsticks at dinner in front of the group. She’s all, Gawd, Rinna HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. This is red flag numero uno that Kathryn is a real crazy bitch. The dinner pretty much spirals into Kathryn vs. everybody and yikes is she the worst. She yells, points fingers, LoLz at eating disorders, tries to force a friendship with Erika full of fake eyelashes and then makes a heel turn to tell Erika she’s not winning this fight.

Lisa attends the dinner pretty much just so she can flirt with Tom, make more spider web “nonsense” comments and bounce for a supposed charity event. What Lisa doesn’t remember is that Tom does NOT like to be interrupted. He basically tells her to shut up because she tries to cut him off. SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. He almost put a muzzle on Erika at their last dinner outing. Do NOT speak out of turn around Tommyboy. Since Ken only attends things to over-defend his wife with offensive comments when she doesn’t really need any help, he plays his part here. Ken tells Tom he’s acting like a judge when really he’s only a lawyer. Ohhh, Zing. Go back to sleep, Ken. Props to whoever wrote that line for him though. Emmy-worthy dialogue. Almost as good as Tom’s stunned interjection of “Do you guys do this all the time?” Yes, Tom. This is what the Housewives franchise was built on. Stop watching Perry Mason and get with the program.

Later in the week, Kyle & Erika play pickle ball, which is essentially a made up sport. They sip lemonade afterward and talk about how they should jet off to Dubai. When discussing the dinner party, we learn that Erika’s husband was pissed at her because she’s not allowed to have friends who behave like that. Or she’s not allowed to behave like that? I’m not following. Either way, her husband is controlling her and as a friend (a person who watches her on TV), I’d like to tell her I’m quite concerned.

Meanwhile, Kathryn tells her hubby that she’s going to try and be more feminine and less like bull in china shop. Also we get to see his abs gratuitously. Lick. Then we follow Kathryn to her hearing checkup. Even though Kathryn’s kind of a turd, it’s important to remember that she can’t hear at dinner parties. Feel bad for her.

I don’t feel bad for Rinna, who has essentially morphed from one of my favorite kewl chicks to this season’s Kim. She rarely makes sense, she’s pretty paranoid and I’m not really sure that anyone else on this show likes her. Eileen might be the newest to start distancing herself from Rinna after their visit to the beach. This is where Rinna spews some “come to Jesus” stuff about Lisa and Kyle starting the whole Munchausen thing and essentially saying she doesn’t doubt that Yolanda’s sick, but she totally doubts that Yolanda’s sick. Eileen is like why do you have so many trust issues you psychopath?

rinna

Yo and Kyle discuss email etiquette, when to CC, when to blind CC and when to start an email with “Happy Friday!” and move on with their lives. Supposedly.

email

After the charity Soul Cycle from hell, Kyle and Mauricio SOMEHOW still get all the ladies to agree to paint a house, Habitat for Housewifery style. I still don’t quite understand how these two got everyone to sign on for this; I mean do we think they promised that Donnie would work on the roof without a shirt or something? Lisa and Kyle think it’s their own personal open mic night and test out a few web jokes for Erika. Ba-dum-ch—she hates them and doesn’t laugh once. Not one to allow a joke to land flat as much as Kyle does, Lisa puts an end to the web talk. Erika and Kathryn put an even bigger end to the spidery comments when they yell at each other a lot and don’t even pretend to help paint this person’s house. I hope the residents of that house sat on their couch last night watching this and wondering if their trim ever got finished. Kathryn was adamant that her narc status did no harm and Erika is adamant that Kathryn sucks. (Samesies.) Eileen and Rinna are on Team Erika and TEAM WOMEN EVERYWHERE. GOSSIP IS NOT MEANT TO BE REPEATED. In the typical housewife way, they fake hug it out and everyone is ALL GUD. Except for Tom Girardi, who stays up at night plotting to get back at the women who have dared to interrupt him.

tom

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