RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Dubai Daze”

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THUG LYFE.

We’re still in Dubai and the women still find it necessary to wear swimsuit cover-ups as dresses to every activity on the trip. For example, Kyle appropriately wears a floor length chiffon gown with stilettos to meet a G-D sea lion. Then follows that up with a designer bikini under her wetsuit. Lisa basically orgasms when the sea lion smooches her. Someone needs to check on her love for animals and make sure it doesn’t turn sexual at some point. Because that seemed like it should’ve been a private moment. Also calling the sea lion sexy didn’t help her case.

Eileen didn’t need to attend this sea lion escapade because if she wants to say hi to one all she has to do is look out her suite window. She might also find a peeping diver swimming around down there. I’m guessing that’s why the underwater suite costs a little extra.

After everyone couples off for the day, for some reason we were forced to look through the bubbles at Kathryn’s feet soaking in a hot tub for like a full 20 seconds. Did the cameraman fall asleep too? At least they feel our pain.

In efforts to liven this trip up, Eileen calls out Rinna for being such a pussy by only talking behind people’s backs and never confronting them, really. During this honest conversation, they wear both wear the same hideous caftan accompanied by 500 lb earrings. Modesty is not an option in Dubai, apparently. And neither is a drama-free trip after Eileen spins the crazy wheel in Rinna’s head and gets her going.

Finally, the ladies all gather to let those muumuus flow in the desert breeze. They even add doo-rags to the mix. Oh, sorry, I mean turbans. A blindfolded falcon puts on a show, and by that I mean he eats a piece of meat. Really he’s just there to be caressed by Lisa (in an intimate way) and pose with the ladies for a desert sunset insta. Erika sees enough falcons in downtown LA eating dead pigeons off the pavement so she’s hashtag over it.

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Kyle gets a henna tat and asks for the Chinese symbol for hope or a butterfly above her ass or something. The ladies take a drink without asking what it is because they’ve obviously never been to a frat party in their life and it turns out it’s camel milk, at which they are horrified. HOW COULD THEY DRINK MILK FROM A CAMEL’S BOOB?! Should we tell them now where regular milk comes from or let them learn on their own? Let’s keep it quiet for now, it’ll be more fun that way. They are then told that camel meat is for dinner, which is a real stretch considering the circumstances. They were disgusted enough by the milk, don’t push your luck Dubai. Rinna starts some shit with Erika because she’s too scared to start some shit with Lisa in front of the group. The hired help of Dubai sense the moment of tension and feel like it’s probably the right time to start offering up that peace pipe. Eileen’s like gimme a drag, or whatever you foreign people say about this contraption and then acts like she’s tripping on acid. It’s WAY better than when they all fought over the space cake in Amsterdam.

When they go to the market the next day, Eileen turns out to be a champ at bargaining, which is a refreshing change of pace from the $40,000 a night hotel suite. Kathryn tries yet another muumuu on with a roach in it and is like hmm I think I’ll pass. JK she screeches and says with her eyes to the store clerk, “get me out of this dirt country.” And Erika gives Kathryn a chotsky for her birthday. It’s quite literally a desk ornament that could not have been more than 50 cents. And THAT’S what you get for being a narc, Kathryn.

And then in unfortunate Housewives vacay fashion, the rest of the episode is dedicated to played out drama that if we’re being honest I’m too exhausted to continue following or trying to make sense of it. It’s still about Yolanda and that mother F’ing Munchausen’s bullshit but this time it’s about Lisa and her big Charlotte’s Web? I don’t really know. All I know is that if Rinna brings this up for one more episode, I’ll start recapping Erika Jayne music videos instead of this show. And that’s not an empty threat.

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