Tag Archives: The Bachelor

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor -No Signs of Intelligency

corinnetaylor

For the record, I don’t even want to recap this episode because it was the perfect example of what happens to The Bachelor when we start the”to be continued” cycle and F everything up. This epi was 1 hour and 58 minutes of paint drying and 2 minutes of drama that IS SUCH A CLIFFHANGER. I’m over it. You hear me, ABC? #OVER.IT. But I’ll still recap now that I’ve laid that out on the line because I owe it to my millions of fans to deliver a weekly recap that makes fun of these dum dums.

We pick up this week with Taylor and Corinne still fighting. Or really, Corinne is hammered and telling Taylor that she has stank face and everyone hates her. To make sure it really sticks, she tells Nick the same thing. To be fair, Taylor DOES kind of have stank face.

tatlor

Rose Ceremony (in the arctic tundra): Danielle L, Kristina, Raven, Whitney, Danielle M, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, Taylor

My girl Sarah was left out in the cold. Literally. Someone toss that girl a coat, she’s as white as Mae!

AND for another week, Nick shits on Bachelor brackets everywhere by sneaking Jaimi and Josephine, the J’s that don’t belong, right on through to the next round. The next round happens to be a TRIP TO NEW ORLEEEEAAAANNNNNNNNSSSS! I mean, it’s better than Milwaukee.  Chris Harrison interrupts the girls jumping on their hotel beds like they’ve never stayed in a 3 star chain hotel before looking fresh as a motherfucker in a linen blazer. He must be cashing mad checks on that romance novel of his.

Where Have You Beignet All My Life with Rachel

Pretty mad at producers for telling the girls how to pronounce beignet before the cameras started rolling because I know good television and it is watching Raven butcher a French word with her hick accent. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. Anyway, Rachel, who if you recall got the first impression rose and pretty much hasn’t done anything since, pretty much feels like she’s on a date with her boyfriend. We know this because she tells us. 3 times. Their date is sssssssuper chill (Nick’s words, not mine). They walk around the market, Nick puts an alligator on his head and says “I want to eat you.” Hawt. He follows up that top notch flirting with eating a beignet like a savage and there’s immediately a drought in my underwear.

Later on, Rachel tells Nick about a funeral she once attended in New Orleans because these girls are conditioned to talk about dead people on their one on one dates. She doesn’t mention who died, but like, does it really matter? Nick consoles her. I want to like Rachel because she seems to have her shit together other than making up stories about jazzy funerals but then she reveals that she calls her dad “Daddy” and I barf all over myself and immediately must hate her. Either way, she’s rosed.

Til Death Do Us Part with Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Danielle L

screen-shot-2017-01-30-at-9-29-35-pm

Nick takes the gals to a haunted house where we meet a very sweaty caretaker named Boo. Boo, like every hired actor on the Bachelor is a true character. Him and his crazy eyes warn the girls about an 8 year old ghost named Mae who kicks it at this mansion. This is the part of the night where they waste an hour of our time flipping on the night vision cam to watch a bunch of biddies play with a ouija board and run around a staged mansion screaming. Listen, I’ve seen the Saved By the Bell Murder Mystery episode. I know that the killer is always the host. I’ve got my eye on you, Boo. Stay woke.

sbtb

boo

Most importantly, the highlight of the mansion is Mae’s doll, which lives in a glass case of emotion creepy. This doll is more terrifying than any ghost could ever be and suddenly it goes MISSING?! No doubt this thing walked right up out of that glass case and is hiding under a bed somewhere waiting to strike. Cause that’s what dolls do. When I was little my mom had ceramic dolls made to look like my sisters and I. It was meant to be a gift but actually it was a nightmare and it’s no coincidence that as I went to find a picture of it, I saw that I tweeted this exactly a year ago today:

It’s an omen. I wouldn’t be surprised if that one-eyed doll strolled into my apt tonight and slaughtered me. If I know anything, it’s that dolls only really need one good eye to murder.

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-8-36-44-am

Anyway, back to the morons…after Jaimi puts on a show about not being afraid of nothin, someone muses like a philosopher in the night, “Do you think…like…we’re more scared here than those two are at home?” Cut to Corinne giving herself a face mask and a bubble bath while Taylor sniffs glue. Yeah. They’re terrified.

Danielle M feels like her connection with Nick got deeper because she explored his mouth a lot. She is rewarded with a rose (from under a glass jar because this week we’re shoving Beauty and the Beast promotions down everyone’s throats.) Raven admits to Nick that she’s fallen in love with him. She’s rewarded with nothing but fond memories of Nick’s roller skating skillz.

Meet Me in the Bayou with Corinne and Taylor

Ah yes, the 2 on 1 date that many anticipated and all know the result of. Mental Health Counselor vs. Multi-million Dollar Company CEO. Emotional Intelligence vs. Intelligency. Stank Face vs Boobs. Tale as old as time. (See what I did there? Beauty and the Beast plug like a MOFO.)

screen-shot-2017-01-30-at-8-49-11-pm

They go on a ride through the bayou to a clearing where a “voodoo priestess” wearing a woven fedora and a gauzy maxi skirt talks about spirits or something. Boo was more riveting than this chick. The lady doing the reading is wearing a triangle bandanna that I used to rock (attached to a headband) ala MK&A’s clothing line from Walmart. These costumes are downright ridiculous. Regardless of the out of style headwear, Miss Cleo senses a lot of tension amongst the three because, like, she’s a professional. She plays Go Fish with each girl so Nick can hear both sides of the catty story. Corinne says Taylor bullied her, Taylor says nothing because her face is permanently stankin.  Obviously Nick chooses Corinne because we have yet to see her platinum vageen (shoutout to this season’s previews for killing the suspense of this date.) Taylor decides to get a backbone, and some help from the hired voodoos who cover her in water(?) oil(?) whatever, she comes back with a vengeance. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!!!!!

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Can’t Escape the Poop

bachnick

Now that we’ve been blessed with one “to be continued”, we will start off with rose ceremonies for the rest of the season and end with the dumbest three words a TV show could end with. Obviously this will be continued, we’ll see you same time, same place next week, ABC. You’re not building tension. Especially, when we’re back to watching Corinne sleep while everyone talks shit about her. She “sleeps” with a serial killer smile, probably dreaming of Raquel wiping her buhhole for her.

screen-shot-2017-01-23-at-10-19-43-pm

Nick “I wear a hoodie to a pool party” Viall is still getting a dose of real talk from Vanessa (who if it’s not obvious, is too good for this show #feminism, #womensmarch). Nick tells Vanessa he gives an F what she thinks but wants her to be more patient with Corinne, specifically until hometowns when he can determine whether picking Corinne comes with unlimited amounts of Raquel’s cheese pasta. Sarah and Taylor crawl into Corinne’s bed to wake her up from her nappie and aggressively tell her to pull it together. This is really well accepted, Corinne apologizes, and everyone braids each other’s hair. Just kitten. Corinne throws a grade A bitchface, then uses her confessional to shout YOU DO YOU and IMMA DO ME a bunch of times. Don’t cross Corinne or she turns into a G, apparently. (After she’s had a full 12 hours of rest of course. Wiping the sleepies out of her eyes during the rose ceremony this week was a liiiiitttle much.)

Rose Ceremony: Danielle L, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

As the ladies reassure each other that they’re there because Nick sees a future with *each* of them, Chris Harrison enters with some riveting travel news. The girls are about to globetrot, first (probably only) stop: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They all react like they’re going to Paris. Which is cute, and also sad. On the Nick front—there’s nothing quite like bringing 15 girls that you know nothing about to meet your parents! Chris and Mary Viall are nervous for their whiny bitch of a son embarrassing himself on TV again. His parents cry and talk about how much they love each other so in turn, Nick cries. It’s a real mess in Milwaukee.

While Nick snots it up with mom and dad, the gals feed some ducks because what else do you do in Wisconsin? Danielle L. gets plucked for a date and the leftovers debate jumping in the pond to drown themselves amongst the ducks. Did I mention how much I love when the bachelor picks a date in person?! So much insecurity, so little time. Anyway, FUN story about Nick, he once jumped in a river for 12 bucks! OMG he’s SO edgy. The hometown deli that conveniently greets Nick as if this was his second home makes “Nick-erdoodle” cookies of Nick’s face. He asks if he gets to eat himself. Gross, Nick. Clean it up. Danielle & Nickerdoodle smush their face cookies and then smush actual faces. But then DRAMA, while strolling through downtown N&D “accidentally” run into one of Nick’s exes who totally didn’t sign a waiver and mic up to be on camera for this bit or anything. Amber the ex has nothing but great things to say about Nick because producers are framing Nick as a good guy now, duh. His good guy façade is tested later on when Danielle goes full on tits out for the boys. Damn, girl. Even though I can barely focus on anything other than her near nip slip, she confesses that her parents have been divorced since she was 17. Not only that, but Danielle slyly adds in “so it’s been ten years” to really hammer home the point that she’s not a child bride like 90% of the contestants this season (FOR A THIRTY SIX YEAR OLD) and I respect the hell out of it. Danielle’s ok in my book. She’s a grown up and a total babe. She gets rosed, cause boobs PLUS the final surprise of more slow grind dancing onstage at a concert, this time to Chris Lane. Kind of a downgrade from BSB, tbh.

screen-shot-2017-01-23-at-10-15-04-pm

Say Cheese with Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

The entire remaining cast except Raven walk up to Nick breast feeding bottle feeding a baby cow, as if this is business as usual. He’s about as country as “Farmer” Chris was when he did pushups on hay bales. The premise of this date is that the girls have to work on a farm because the farm industry is declining and labor ain’t cheap. Also, if you recall the highly esteemed show The Simple Life, watching privileged girls bale hay and shovel shit is entertaining AF.

parisnicole

Josephine chose her brightest white pants and Corinne sits on a rock in the field—because she lost circulation in her hands whilst digging poop. SHE ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I bet the hospital has prime napping beds, jus sayin. Jaimi’s good at milking the cow; because of course the lez knows her way around a nipple.

After everyone has showered, gotten a blowout, a full face of makeup and put on their tightest dress to show Nick that they can be a farm girl AND a vixen…it’s time to gang up on Corinne. Ya girl Corinne goes from full-on Gloria in Wedding Crashers to telling all the girls to stop talking shit about her and say it to her face. And, they did.

ifindyou

Sarah asks Corinne if she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Valid question but like, Corinne is being groomed for Paradise and everybody knows it. She can parade around a fake engagement ring on insta all she wants but she’s already got a ticket to the sex island this summer. Then Kristina and Corinne get in a fight but I’m not really sure what it was about because I straight up don’t understand a word that falls out of Kristina’s mouth. What I do know is that this disagreement occurred while Corinne was sitting on a lifeless Josephine covered in a red blanket on the couch. Kristina got the rose but Josephine deserves all the roses for somehow still being on this show AND contributing more to a conversation just by passing away on a couch.

Let’s Kick It with Raven

Nick suddenly transforms into a soccer coach for little sis Bella and her team. He just wants to have a regular engaged couple Saturday with the fam and see if Raven can hang. I just want Raven’s accent to change so my ears stop bleeding every time she speaks. Speaking of that beautiful accent, she uses it to ask Nick’s parents if they had to spank him a lot growing up. What an approps first question for your boyfriend’s parents. Typs soccer game fodder. Raven is a keeper. Bella approves as they bond over blue icee’s at Skateland. Bella’s going to watch this back in 5 years, see that monster blue mouth of hers and be mortified. Kind of like Nick should be for bringing his pre-teen sister on the same show he’s had sex on, twice. Nick and Raven skate it up like a couple of pros. Props to Raven for being that coordinated (and not puking on their date). Later on, Raven paints a Lifetime original movie picture of the time she walked in on her DOCTOR boyfriend cheating on her with a bar slut. Even though it came out…real….sloooowww…I was on the edge of my couch in anticipation during this tall tale. She KICKED the door down and administered a STILLETTO head beating! If “I Know What Her Vagina Looks Like” isn’t released within the year with a terribly cast Raven-lookalike, I will be THE MOST disappointed in Lifetime. Either way, Raven gets a rose because she had to see her boyfriend thrusting over another girl. They sk8 it out.

Cocktail Party

Taylor is a lurking asshole who WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS and is “emotionally” smarter than Corinne.

johnnyhopkins

Josephine and Corinne basically sit on each other’s laps talking about Taylor and shoving apps in their snackholes at rapid speed. It’s easily the best scene of the night watching these two hungry bitches motor through the passed hors d’oeuvres. I haven’t seen dedication to grazing like that since Chad met his lunchmeats.

screen-shot-2017-01-23-at-10-12-18-pm

To…be…continued….

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Man Tanks Galore

 

BACKSTREET BOYS, NICK VIALL

If you recall, last week was a “cliffhanger” when Nick sent Liz packing and was FORCED to reveal that he sucks in bed had sex with her already. Nick just wants to be up front with everyone because he was SHOCKED when Back Tat got out of the limo. Or more realistically, he was shocked when Chris Harrison had to take him aside to remind him that he’s boned this girl already. He addresses the ladies that they met at JADE AND TANNER’S wedding (are they cashing in on this like product placement? I hope so) and had sex. Then apparently Nick thinks he’s hosting his own epi of Loveline because he opens it up to a Q&A segment with the ladies. He takes each girl aside to reassure himself and make sure no one is judging his sex life. The girls all think he’s suuuper sensitive and concerned with their feelings, so that worked out a little TOO well. Some girl in a yellow dress talks about how worried she is about Nick’s confession. I literally have no clue who she is. I’m confident ABC just tossed in an extra to fuck with us.

Speaking of jokes, Corinne sneaks upstairs to strip down and toss on a trench coat. She stands in front of the mirror practicing how to flash Nick. All I can do is picture Corinne getting ready to come to the mansion and ordering her nanny to pack an oversized trench coat in her suitcase, for obvious reasons.

michaelscotttrench

She sashays downstairs in this khaki-colored garbage bag and proceeds to shoot whipped cream down Nicks throat and chase it with her tongue. Then in natural progression, she sprays it all over her boobs and asks him to lick it off. Nick loves that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body. YEAH HE DOES. The girls watch from a window in the house and immediately cry.

corinne

Corinne gets interrupted and suddenly the whipped cream can is lying on the cold, hard ground. Corinne runs into the house and sobs that her relationship with Nick is over because he didn’t want to slurp whipped cream out of her lady bits while a bunch of women watched with jealousy. Then she passes the F out and misses the rose ceremony. Nick demands to know where she is as if the girls in the room have killed her and buried her body underneath that giant trench coat. He apologizes on her behalf. If anyone should be apologizing it should be Hailey who wore an actual bra to the rose ceremony and still didn’t get a rose.

Roses: Corinne, Danielle, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Jasmine, Christen, Taylor, Astrid

Everybody! with Danielle L. Christen Kristina Whitney Taylor Jasmine & Corinne

The Backstreet Boys shows up at the mansion and the most shocking part about this is that Brian has a disgusting braided tail hanging off the back of his head. C’mon guys, you’re old but you’re still touring. Clean it up. They sing a quick song and all the girls try to sing over them. If BSB is standing 2 feet away from you singing, YOU LISTEN. What a bunch of disrespectful hoez.

The gals hit the dance studio with BSB and Nick in a man tank. Wittle baby Corinne isn’t loving this date because she doesn’t have an excuse to pull her tits out. She’s a bad dancer and she’s not getting enough attention. Not to point fingers, but this Thriller choreography isn’t doing her any favors. Kevin is wearing a fedora and tells everyone to wrap it up. It’s actually insulting to JT (the KING of pulling off a fedora) how bad he looks.

screen-shot-2017-01-17-at-8-28-20-am     vs. jt

Jus’ sayin.

At the “show” that night consisting of about 30 people, Nick’s cue to awkwardly jive onto the stage is the lyric “We’re gonna bring the flavor show you how” and I’ve never laughed harder. WHAT a contradiction. Danielle’s claw hands shine the brightest because she wins a slow grind with Nick to “I Want It That Way” while the other biddies glare.

screen-shot-2017-01-16-at-9-27-16-pm

At the after party, Danielle gets more slow dance and smooch time and of course, a rose. Corinne takes my last and final straw. First she puts herself down for a quick nappie then she wakes up to tell everyone about her nanny Raquel, who does every single thing for her. Most importantly, her nanny makes the best cheese pasta. CHEESE. PASTA. That’s it. I’ve put up with a lot from Corinne mostly because I know she’s this season’s villain and all of her screen time is edited/staged but I cannot any longer. There’s no way producers could’ve controlled the dumb that dribbles out of her mouth. Choreography is not called planned dancing and cheese pasta is MAC AND CHEESE. AND YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ONE SINGLE BOX OF KRAFT SHAPES, YOU DUMB BITCH. #Done.

“You Make Me Feel Like I’m Floating” with Vanessa

Vanessa and Nick get in a plane that casually nosedives to give them the zero gravity feel. Immediately I assume someone will be blowing chunks. If I were put in that plane I would probably cry hysterically the whole time. They do a weird air jig for a while; run into each other’s limbs a lot and then kiss. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for Vanessa to feel nauseous (or if you’re Sean Lowe: nautious) and puke a little bit. Thankfully for us, she doesn’t projectile but politely Ralphs in a barf bag while Nick literally puts his face on top of hers. Back up, bro! She’s spewing her insides right now. I don’t even want someone in the same room as me when I’m puking, let alone putting his forehead on mine and they met like five minutes ago. Whatever, Vanessa thinks it’s adorbs how caring he is and they make out afterwards. YIKES. I almost had a chain reaction sitch just from watching them have a vom makeout. Gum doesn’t erase what just went down!

screen-shot-2017-01-16-at-9-24-31-pm

Later, Vanessa compares her grandfather dying to coming on this show because he gave out roses from beyond his grave or something? Nick cries thinking about what will happen if “this doesn’t work out for him.” K. Vanessa tries to pretend she forgot about the rose this whole time, lolerskates. She probz didn’t want it after seeing Nick sob on their first date. She gets it anyway.

screen-shot-2017-01-16-at-9-26-02-pm

“I’m done playing the field” with Rachel Alexis Astrid Jaimi Sarah Brittany & Dominique

Nick recruits his buds from the Olympics to help the girls run track. They obviously have no idea who these athletes are but put on a clinic of shock when they stroll up. I took a class in college where I had to watch a documentary on Carl Lewis and I couldn’t have pointed him out last night if you had put a gun to my head. Astrid decides to go with a minimal support “sports” bra and the cameraman wastes no time capitalizing on that. Astrid, Alexis and Rachel race for some natural hot tub time in the middle of a high school track. Rachel has hot hands and can’t grab the ring at the finish line, so Astrid, boobs flapping, scoops up the ring after almost stomping Rachel’s hand off and gets into the hot tub fully clothed. What a W for her.

After Astrid’s leggings probably melt off, Dominique has a meltdown because Nick hasn’t paid attention to her at all and this was her first time she was allowed out of the mansion. Instead of using her time to have a conversation and learn about Nick, Dom comes in REAL hot and tells Nick that she thinks he’s not giving her a fair chance. He didn’t pull her aside to ask how she was doing during the date and that was NOT OKAY. Nick says, GIRL, BYE. So that kind of backfired, huh, Dom?

Pool Party in lieu of Cocktail Party

The girls are all horned up, cause pool party, and the minute Nick steps outside, all hands are on his abs. It doesn’t really matter though because once Corinne rises from the dead it’s game over. She surprises Nick with a bounce house and then straddles him inside of it. I asked for a bounce house for my 21st birthday party and my parents told me they had a weight limit. This has nothing to do with Corinne turning a bounce house to a bounce sex den but I needed to bring it up because I’m still bitter about being denied the best party ever and I’ll never stop talking about it. Anyway, after he goes for the two-handed ass grab and all the other girls watch with a Whitney circa The Hills Season 2 surprise face, Corinne goes back to bed because her work there is done.

whit

Raven tattles to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and doesn’t know how to clean a spoon. TELL HIM THAT SHE CALLS MAC AND CHEESE, “CHEESE PASTA.” I DARE YOU, RAVEN. Then Vanessa wants Nick to know that she saw him “riding her” and she’s judging him. Does he want a wife or just a F buddy? We shall find out next week. One thing I know for sure is that a pukey makeout bonds two people for life, and I don’t think Vanessa’s going anywhere anytime soon.

screen-shot-2017-01-16-at-9-26-27-pm

Today’s bonus clip came courtesy of Josephine singing made up show tunes to Nick while my ears fell clean off of my head. So thanks for that, ABC.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – HE HELD MY BOOBS!

 

bridesmaid

Always a Bridesmaid with Corinne, Vanessa, Sara, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth & Brittany

Franco is a renowned photographer who wears a geometric print shirt with matching booty shorts and reflective aviators that really bring out his bushy mustache. He tells this group of ladies, “Whoever does a nice job I have a nice……surprise.” In this case I’m guessing surprise equals mustache ride by the way he creepily purrs that.

screen-shot-2017-01-09-at-8-26-50-pm

Everything is going swimmingly with Corinne declaring that her and her white bikini-clad tits were going to own this game until Brittany strutted out basically completely naked looking like a total dime. Corinne handled it really well; if by really well we mean glaring at her and saying she wanted to punch her in the face. As always, once one girl gets bold and smooches Nick, they all jump on the makeout train. Lacey (always the bridesmaid never the bride) kisses Nick and says he tastes like Danielle. Sexy. Just to reiterate, being chosen as the ONLY bridesmaid and then tasting another girl on your date makes you A TOTAL LOSER, Lacey. In the event that you’re wondering what Franco is up to during all of this, he’s encouraging each girl to kiss Nick while he slowly strokes his D through his loudly printed shorts. During Taylor’s moment he whispers into the breeze, “This is the moment… because I know you from before time.” So THAT’S normal.

brittany

Then we get to the part where Brittany and Nick have a nudie photo shoot in their leaves and Corinne turns into a giant jelly belly. When it’s her turn, she rips her top off and presses her breasts all over Nick in the pool. She then forces Nick to grab her boobs for the “Janet Jackson” pose. He seems uncomfy until about 30 seconds later when Corinne is announced as the winner. Good work, producers. Now every female is questioning if she should show her nipples to find true love.

CORRINE, NICK VIALL

Corinne can totally see her self just falling and falling and falling and grabbing and grabbing and grabbing and HE HELD HER BOOBS, GUYS!!!!!!! Although I wish that was something funny that I wrote, unfortunately it came directly out of Corinne’s dumb nanny-having mouth. (PS I stand by my tweet last night that “BUT HE HELD MY BOOBS” is now my go-to comeback for ever and ever.) Raven questions if Nick is looking for someone who will pop out her tits at any moment. The answer to that is yes and that’s obvious. Did Raven do her research orrrr? Speaking of, Taylor talks to Nick in detail about her psychology degree and Corinne comes to save him because THAT’S THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER. I mean yeah, we hate Corinne and she’s dumb as rocks but like Taylor read the room and find something less snoozeworthy to talk about. Obviously Nick is going to prefer to talk to the minx that will gyrate on his lap instead of the one explaining the human psyche to him. NOT SO FAST THOUGH—Taylor “re-interrupted” and that’s no bueno in Corinne’s book. Because she’s classy. Again, her words, not mine. Yes that’s right, Queen of interrupting who made a point to tell the other ladies that you don’t come on this show unless you want to get interrupted almost stabbed a bitch over getting interrupted. Did I say interrupted enough? Also, Taylor thinks Nick likes her for her brain. Methinks he likes it when a girl rubs her tits all over him because Corrine gets the rose.

screen-shot-2017-01-10-at-1-19-16-am

Meanwhile, Liz won’t shut the F up about how she slept with Nick already. Seriously, every sentence that falls out of her mouth starts with “I met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.” Oh DID YOU?! During poolside times, Liz tells Christen that she banged Nick and doesn’t spare any deets. Then she talks about all of her insecurities, which is obviously a good idea to do with a girl you just met, whose competing for the same guy’s affection.

screen-shot-2017-01-10-at-1-17-10-am

I don’t remember what this date was called but it was probably a flying metaphor with Danielle M.

Danielle maintains her spot as cute good girl and snags a helicopter ride that landed on a yacht. They’re like, having so much fun and they’re both from the same town. So you could say there are sparks. They hot tub on the yacht, because of course. At dinner, Nick talks about how he’s been on previous seasons of the Bachelorette as if none of us know, and Danielle admits that her fiancé overdosed and died. A liiiitttle deeper than getting rejected on 2 TV shows B2B. Nick respects her more for going through that and she gets a rose.

We Need to Talk with Christen, Kristina, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz & Josephine

According to my equally as sasshole sister, this is the B team group date including a Russian, a dude, a lez, and a kiss & teller. Couldn’t have summed this motley crew up any better. They go to a museum of broken relationships. This is a special place where everyone donates their crap that reminds them of a breakup and it’s called art. Nick’s addition to said crap is the ring he picked out for Kaitlyn that he didn’t even a little bit pay for and should’ve returned at the end of the season. It’s certainly not crap but it IS embarrassing that he gives such a bullshit emotional speech about it right before he participates in performance art breakups.

In order to get in the mood for acting, the group watches other couples pretend to break up and Nick literally sits there eating his fingers like a giant weirdo. The girls show us what you would’ve immediately assumed upon looking at them: they’re terrible actresses. Why else do you think they ended up on reality TV to become stars? Josephine slaps Nick silly and tries to kiss it better. The only thing that will make that better is Josephine actually breaking up with Nick and disappearing forever. Jus sayin. Liz goes the dramats route and reads a speech from her diary about how they met and how it made her feel. It gives Nick ALL the uncomfies. Nick is butthurt that Liz made that news public but I think he overestimated how smart this group of girls is because none of them caught on that this was a non-fiction piece. They were all like whoa Liz got really deep with her part, BRAVA!

Later on, Christen takes her first opportunity to narc on Liz during her one on one time with Nick. I mean she was calculating that moment since the second Liz spilled the beans. Obviously Nick wasn’t LOVING that the girls were talking about the drunken night and that can only mean one thing: he sucks in bed. Jaimi dated a girl once because OF COURSE the girl with the septum piercing who walked in on night one with the phrase I’ve got balls is also a little lez. And finally, Nick tells Liz to kick rocks and DRAMATIC TWIST; he is forced to tell everyone that he wedding boned her. It’s to be continued because there are just not enough hours in the night to cover the meltdowns that will result from this news. No rose ceremony but we do get a bonus scene where Alexis celebrates her boob birthday and they eat boob cupcakes togets. Keep doing you, Alexis. You fake-boobed dolphin aficionado, you.

screen-shot-2017-01-09-at-8-30-02-pm

Standard
Television, Uncategorized

The Bachelor – Fourth Time’s A Charm

nick

“We’ve got a shark that thinks she’s a dolphin, so that’s a concern.”

I tried to approach this season of The Bachelor with an open mind. (I didn’t try that hard) and I got to about 30 seconds in when they have Nick announcing he’s the Bachelor over and over again and I was already enraged. It appears as though his lisp, which was once just for the letter s, now applies to “ch” because he announced he was the next Bassshhler. So, this season is off to a hot start. What I can take solace in, is the fact that everyone on Twitter agrees with me, and since the Bach community is behind me on this one, I feel like it’s sanctioned to hate watch the shit out of this season. Not even a low-angle shot of him getting into the shower 1 minute later could make things better. Although, a gratuitous ab shot never hurts, Nick immediately erased it from my memory when he declared, “I’m gonna give America a happy ending.”

nick-crying-bachelorette-w352

This year’s round-up of sage advice came from Boring Ben, Farmer Chris and Vampire Sean. Seriously though, Sean came back from the dead for this taping. Chris still has pit stains down to his ankles, so there’s no news there. As my friend so nicely pointed out, I too suffer from hyperhydrosis and shouldn’t be laughing at others, BUT I also don’t go on national TV so like, clean it up Chris. Or at least wear white. Sean barely speaks because he was pulled from his coffin to exist in the harsh rays of sunlight for the first time in probably a year. Chris delivers a couple of insults because he’s a big sweaty bully and Ben is just humble ole Ben, singing the “be yourself” song to Nick. (Worst advice ever, Ben.)

Now’s the part where I break it down by lady because half of these bitches get promptly kicked off anyway and we’ll never need to remember them. If a girl doesn’t get her own blurb it’s because she’s a real snoozefest.

Rachel– This is the lawyer, who after a long day of lawyering loves to unwind with vacuum karaoke. Hey girl, if you love to sing and dance, hit up the bars—there’s no need to drag cleaning into this. At the mansion, Nick and Rach talk about her family, her job and football. He seems way more interested in her than he should be. He also tries to flirt by asking her if she has a favorite uncle. Smooth moves, Nick. She gets the first impression rose and a kiss.

firstimpression

Vanessa the teacher from Canada, speaks both French and Italian in her intro. We get it. You’re cultured.

Josephine has no business being on this show and also, meows at her cat. As if that wasn’t weird enough, she shows up to the mansion with a book and inside of said book is a cut out with a hot dog in it. A prop she carries from a limo just so that she can tell Nick, “You’re a wiener in my book.” AND THEN SHE ASKS HIM IF HE WANTS TO LADY AND THE TRAMP A RAW HOT DOG. ABC really toeing the line with a little primetime raw-dogging. Did I make that sound more disgusting than it actually was? NO. NO I DID NOT. I had to watch two humans treat a raw piece of meat like it was spaghetti and ruin a Disney classic. Nothing is sacred anymore. Spoiler alert: according to Josephine “It went down real hard.”

wienerbook

Raven owns a boutique in Hoxie, Arkansas so you know she worked really hard in the fashion industry to see this kind of success so early in her life.

raven

Corinne still lives at home and makes her nanny bring her snacks like she’s fake Casey from Laguna Beach shouting at Conchita for a quesaDILLA. Her intro video is not unlike Elle Woods’ submission for Harvard Law and everyone should be embarrassed for her. But don’t judge her because she runs a “multi-million dollar” business. Cough cough works for her dad cough. As the front-runner for most hated biddy in the house, Corinne take the first steal of the night AND the first kiss. Everyone calls her a slut all while seething in jealousy. All I really want to know is what that bag full of tokens are for. Cause Nick didn’t even have to pay the toll for that smooch, so what equates to a token with this chick?

ellewoods

Alexis of New Jersey is so zany that she WALKS TO CVS IN A SUMO COSTUME (when cameras are there.) She’s our ringleader for the dolphin obsession this year and as I predicted in my ranking, shows up dressed like a dolphin. Except she’s actually wearing a shark costume. Classic mixup. When everyone tells her she’s a shark she just makes dolphin noises. Cause like, DUH. SHARKS DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT, GUYS! She’s also really hammy sammied and wades through the pool in said shark costume.

screen-shot-2017-01-02-at-10-18-13-pm

Taylor is a mental health counselor and also a contestant on a reality TV show to find love. She is a walking oxymoron. Upon meeting Nick, Taylor told him that her friends think he’s an asshole. You sure know how to win a guy over, Tay!

Liz is the doula who I judged a little before the season because she talked about birthing her niece and that’s kind of gross. Plot twist: what none of us knew is that she was Jade’s maid of honor and actually already had wedding sex with Nick. Naturally Nick doesn’t remember her at first until Chris Harrison pulls him aside to tip him off, because we’re not allowed to think Nick is a douche anymore now that he’s the Bachelor. Even though Liz should be a little peeved that her drunk one night stand was not one for the books, she says more than once: “I’m kinda glad that he doesn’t remember we had sex, it keeps the mystery.” Liz is obviously pulling the classic if I act like a chill girl on TV, guys will want to date me. Because if someone big-timed me like that I would go apeshit. During their hang later on, Nick spin-zones not remembering into WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER CALL ME? By the end of the episode it becomes very clear that Liz will tell everyone in the house that they had sex to get the upper hand. Especially when she goes on and on about how she’s not worried about other girls kissing him because she did it 9 months ago. Def don’t worry about it Liz, it was a ReALLy memorable smooch. (PS, You’re CRAZY!)

liz

Danielle L. put her tits out for Nick and that’s all you really need to know.

DANIELLE L., NICK VIALL

Christen stands out in my memory because she was dressed like a neon banana, did a weird 10 second dance with a fan then asks Nick if he thinks she’s crazy. If you have to ask…

christen-fanscreen-shot-2017-01-02-at-11-44-53-pm

Ida Marie does a trust fall in crop coords and I don’t hate it.

Olivia is from Alaska so she gives an Eskimo kiss. She then takes off her fur coat and tosses it at Nick. I think it was supposed to be sexy but it kind of just came off like Nick worked in coat check.

Sarah wears running sneakers because he’s “not a runner up to her”…OK girl. Also has a front tie on her dress that drives me nuts.

screen-shot-2017-01-02-at-10-19-29-pm

Jasmine G. brings Neil Lane with her, who promptly gives Nick the most half assed hug I’ve ever seen, and she shows her engagement ring preference “to get it out of the way”. It’s a cocky move that I almost respect until we cut to her crying when she can’t get time with Nick like a little baby bitch.

Hailey drops the line of the night when she says, “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.” Methinks Nick liked that one because he immediately is like ok yes let’s get another hug in there! It’s almost like these girls know that Nick is easy…

Danielle M. seems like she’ll be taking on the role of wholesome girl this season. She’s pretty, she takes care of babies as a Neonatal nurse and they have a deep convo about it later where Nick wonders if she works in a hospital or like, out of the basement of her home or something. It was touch and go for a minute when they first meet, fight about who makes better french toast and Danielle feeds him a glop of syrup with her fingers–to which Nick says, I trust that your fingers are clean. YIKES.

danielle

Jaimi-“You have some balls and so do I.” Pulls out a nose ring. Well that’s one way to kill a boner. Another way is by walking into a room full of girls and saying I HAVE BALLS! Preeetttyyy sure every girl in that room counted Jaimi out for their competition. As they should have.

Susannah gives Nick a beard massage and teases, “there’s more where that came from.” She did not get a rose, so I think it’s safe to assume her beard massage game is a D- at best.

Lacey rolls in on a camel and says, “I heard you like a good hump.” Camels aren’t sexy Lacey, and neither are you.

And if I may, let’s end this recap with proof that girls are assholes. First off, the biggest drama of the night was that too many girls were in red dresses. It started off as like 2 or 3 girls wearing red and everyone being like OmG twinnnies and red sisters for lifeeyyyy, boooooo ❤ Two minutes later another crimson girl rolls in and suddenly there’s murder in everyone’s eyes. “WHO THE F does she think she is wearing the same color as me????” Is what literally every girl in red is thinking. Glad we can keep it real though. #SoulSisters #LadiesinRed #SalsaGirlEmoji. Of course we also can’t forget about Shark-who is having an identity crisis as a dolphin-girl, who was the talk of the house (once everyone stopped yapping about their matching dresses.) At one point some biddy actually pointed at shark girl and slurs “sheee’s my spirrrittt animallllllll!” And another one goes “yaasssss omg I’m loving thisSssSs.” She wasn’t. Every one of these girls was judging Sharkey and thinking she looked stupid. And yet they told her she was killing it–which is why you should ALWAYS keep your head on swivel when you dress as a Super Bowl halftime joke from last year and walk around making high pitched dolphin noises. The more you know.

 

Roses: Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle L, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina (babbles with tears through the whole rose ceremony then gets a rose), Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Dominique, Jaimi, Liz

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S21: Ranking the Contestants

CORRINE, RAVEN, SARAH, LAUREN, LACEY, SUSANNAH, ANGELA, DOMINIQUE, ALEXIS, ELIZABETH W., KRISTINA, OLIVIA, BRIANA, NICK VIALL, DANIELLE M., WHITNEY, JASMINE, JAIMI, IDA MARIE, VANESSA, TAYLOR, HAILEY, RACHEL, BRITTANY, ASTRID, CHRISTEN, JOSEPHINE, ELIZABETH "LIZ", MICHELLE, DANIELLE L., JASMINE G.

I’m gonna be real up front with you guys, because I’m just an honest gal, but I cannot stand Nick Viall. He was immature on Andi’s season when he shamed her on live tv for “making love” to him, and he acted like a 2 year old on Kaitlyn’s season when he made her O with the mics still on and then gloated about it to Shawn B. I don’t feel bad that he hasn’t found love, he’s a whiny famewhore that I don’t care to see on my TV ever again. Luke deserved to be Bachelor and everyone knows it. Ok. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest this should be a wild season. Not only because our leading man has a hardcore lisp and cries a lot on TV BUT ALSO because apparently his fetish is dating girls with an average age 10-12 years his junior, who fantasize about being mermaids and dolphins in their free time. Hold onto your fins..let’s dive right into this season’s gaggle of biddies.

By default, any female who wrote that she wanted to be a dolphin or Ariel has been clumped in my bottom rankings because ENOUGH. Also I looked back at last year’s ladies and 2 of them wanted to be dolphins as well so like where is this passion coming from? Dolphins rape people and everybody knows it. Especially me, because I googled it after  meeting a dolphin who was getting a little too fresh at the Clearwater Aquarium in Florida. Ironically, the dolphin’s name was Nick. True Story. Evidence below:

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-10-58-00-pm

Susannah, 26

susannah

Wants to be Ariel for her “AMAZING” hair and seashell bra.

Lauren, 30

lauren

A nice change of pace, the ONLY Lauren this season, but still wants to be a dolphin. Cause, like they’re cute AND smart.(Also her fave movies are Step Brothers and Hocus Pocus, which makes me WANT to like her but she had to ruin it with the dolphin love.)

Briana, 28

briana

Ya girl Bri wants to be a dolphin so she can do flips and be cute. She ALSO wants to be Ariel because she has great hair and a hot boyfriend. Although I agree that Prince Eric is the hottest Disney leading man at best (Aladdin is #2 obv.) it still doesn’t change the fact that both of these answers are dumb AF.

Astrid, 26

astrid

Astrid is a “Plastic Surgery Office Manager”, whatever that is. Not only does her job sound completely made up, but her reasoning for becoming flipper is so she can do tricks and RESCUT LOST SAILORS. On what planet do dolphins rescue sailors? Did she mean rape them? Just wondering. Astrid ideally would not like to work a day in her life (shocker that she’s now in the reality TV game) and wants to be Ariel (BEFORE she got legs) so she can explore the ocean. Explore away, boo. Maybe you’ll find some lost sailors.

Angela, 26

angela

Angela is a model by trade and a dolphin dreamer by night. She just thinks they’re so playful and sociable. Her guilty pleasure is licking the popcorn bag. So to run that back real quick, she’s paid to be pretty and skinny and one of her pasttimes is licking hot butter and salt off of paper. Sign me up to be a model as well. I’ll crush it.

Alexis, 23

alexis

Alexis is “an aspiring dolphin trainer” and therefore attempting to turn her dolphin fantasies into a career. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that she’s the nut that shows up in a dolphin costume on night one. Can’t wait to see if all of these dolphin loving ladies then follow her around like a cult leader. Alexis’ ex boyfriend once told her she had a mustache which is really embarrassing but not as embarrassing as wearing a dolphin costume that everyone on twitter immediately assumed was “Left Shark” when the above group photo was released. And so ends our dolphin and mermaid segment of this blog.

Jaimi, 28

jaimi

Jaimi will eat Nick Viall for dinner. Jk he’s not a fish or a bird. J here is a “Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian”. If that doesn’t make you immediately want to say goodbye to her, let’s talk about how she impresses guys by bench pressing them with her legs. Hawt. Lastly, she catered the Oscars–which I can only assume means she delivered the pizzas?

Taylor, 23

taylor

Taylor is 23 and her favorite clothing designer is Forever 21.

Josephine, 24

josephine

Jo here felt the need to point out that she’s 5’7 3/4″ BECAUSE THAT 3/4 OF AN INCH CLEARLY MATTERS and wishes she could be Stephen Hawking. When you’re bound to a wheelchair, how will people know that you’ve got that extra 3/4 inch on ya? Just wondering.

Rachel, 31

rachel

I’m guessing Rachel is already too old for Nick and also could probably toss him over her shoulder looking at those Michelle Obama gunz she’s rocking. She’s a successful attorney and points out how much she focused on her career. Obviously someone this driven cannot commit to being famous for nothing for the rest of her life so it’s not going to work out. Unless of course, Nick has decided he needs a breadwinner while he extends his five seconds of fame into FAR TOO LONG. (Still not bitter.)

Liz, 29

liz

Liz is a doula, which means she pulls babies out of other women’s vaginas (typically in their home). She birthed her niece and let me be the first to say that I never ever want to have my hands near either of my sister’s vaginas so this raises a red flag for me. In a little fill in the blank quiz, Liz admits that if she never had to “kill somone” she’d be happy. UH, SAME? Always hope you won’t have to commit murder in your lifetime. Seems reasonable.

 Olivia, 25

olivia

Olivia is an “Apparel Sales Representative”, which is the Bachelor way of saying she works in retail. Hey guys, JUST SAY SHE WORKS IN RETAIL!!! It’s ok! We all know everyone quits their jobs to go on this show anyway! Liv was the kicker on her football team in high school and cried so hard during her first maid of honor speech because it was so bad that she had to take a TO in the middle of it. Not a great highlight reel so far.

Lacey, 25

lacey

Out of everyone living or dead, Lacey chose to have lunch with Joe Jonas and now she is dead to me.

Sarah, 26

sarah

The wildest thing Sarah ever did was move to NYC with “3 bucks”. So Sarah was clearly once homeless because I don’t know anyone with 3 bucks to their name who doesn’t sleep on a park bench at night.

Jasmine G, 29

jasmine-g

Jazz is a pro BBall dancer, which is a super cool job–then she compared herself to Guy Fieri.

Raven, 25

raven

Raven’s favorite actress was Brittany Murphy (WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE LOLOLOL) I’d love to get her hot takes on the Lifetime unauthorized Brittany Murphy biopic.

Vanessa, 29

vanessa

Another Canadian in the mix, V is 5′ 3 AND A HALF”, if she could be any fruit or veggie she chooses onion and her favorite gift was a promise ring. I don’t think she’ll make it past the first night.

Ida Marie, 23

ida-marie

WHAT a name. Ida Marie eats cheetos with a pickle. I love cheetos, and I love pickles, but I nearly barfed that the thought of mixing the two. Clean it up, IM.

Corinne, 24

corinneCleavage Corinne over here is in the process of lasering off all of her tats. It should be illegal for her to tell us that and not give the juicy deets of what she regrets inking, accompanied with pictures.

Kristina, 24

kristina

Instead of keeping it light and fun in her bio, Kristina gave us a peek into her past by saying she’d like to be her mom for a day to understand why she chose alcohol over her kids. She was an orphan and is grateful for her parents adopting her. We will obviously hear her entire history on night one. Also, on the bright side–when asked who her favorite designer is, she said herself.

Whitney, 25

whitney

Whit lives life with no ragrets, Tim Riggins style and really wants to be Gisele so she can be a model AND married to Tom Brady. Get in line, girl.

Danielle M, 31

danielle-m

Danielle lost her fiance and moved to Nashville to start over so she will be pegged immediately by producers as the damaged one going through a hardship. If we’ve learned anything it’s that you don’t want to end up like Kelsey Sanderson Poe, who scripted her time on the Bachelor better than a trashy lifetime movie.

Elizabeth, 24

elizabeth

Elizabeth wants to be BOTH Britney Spears and Kate Middleton. Cause, like, they have so much in common. She also has misophonia which is when you hate listening to others chew. So basically everyone on this planet suffers from that because chewing is supes gross.

Brittany, 26

brittany

Brittany seems normal and probably will make it far but for entertainment value she’s a real snooze. She knows that food is the way to a man’s heart and wants to be married with a kid in five years. Also not to be petty (but totally to be petty) I’m all for trying out the choker trend mostly because I idolize Kaitlyn Bristowe and she’s all in on chokers but this one having loose tails that hang down is really throwing me off. I don’t love it.

Dominique, 25

dominique

Dominique mentions Chipotle and burritos twice in her bio  (in addition to a brunch shout out) so she’s like one step away from becoming a walking basic betch graphic tee. But I like her because her lunch date with three people alive or dead consisted of Jesus, Leonardo Dicaprio and her Grandpa. What a crew!

Michelle, 24

michelleSpeaking of zany choices for lunch with 3 celebs, Michelle (who owns a food truck) tossed down Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani and Princess Diana. WHAT WOULD THESE THREE TALK ABOUT?! The ideas are endless. Also I’m gonna need to know exactly what type of food she trucks, stat.

Danielle L, 27

danielle-l

Dan-triple-L is a babe soda, started a business when she was 23 and <3’s Chrissy Teigen of course.

Hailey, 23

hailey

Hailez is a Canadian who loves 90’s music and building schools in China on the DL. So she’s chill AF and also does good shit for the world. Plus she’s pretty. Do we think she knew Nick was the Bach when she signed up for this?

Jasmine B, 25

jasmine-b

I’m down with Jasmine. Not only does she have an “always and forever” tat (shoutout to the best fictional couple to ever get married and have a baby before high school graduation) but the flaws she listed were that she’s “too nice” and “cares too much.” CLASSIC job interview spin zone. Oh list my weaknesses? Sure, I’m too pretty. #TeamJB

Christen, 25

christen

Christen topped my list not because she’s the hottest or the most interesting. It’s because her weird obsession made me laugh the hardest. (There was never going to be a frontrunner in this mix, sorry bout it.) Anyway, it was business as usual reading Christen’s blurb and fearing a shoutout to dolphins when I noticed that peeping tom is more her style. When asked if she could break any law–she said she wants to break into the White House and hide in a closet just to see what goes on. Then if she could have any job in the world she chose the President. Girl just wants to creep all up in that White House and I have no choice but to respect it.

Welp that’s it. That’s this year’s crop of 30 dazzling girls. Who will be a frontrunner? It’s literally impossible to tell. Tune in January 2nd for the 100 hour premiere. I for one, CAN wait.

Standard
Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/15/16

1. What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Lie about being robbed at the Olympics, apparently. It’s a real shame his reality show got cancelled because ratings would have soared through the roof for this shit.

lochte

Ryan Lochte, the bro who showed up with frosted hair, wore grillz at his gold medal ceremony and trademarked the catchphrase “Jeah”, claims he was robbed at gunpoint and when the robber told him to get on the ground he turned into Duane, otherwise known as Kimmy Gibbler’s hamlet and cheese.

duane

Then he skipped on outta Rio with his lady friend. Not so fast, RyRy because it seems like you messed with the wrong corrupt country. Rio smelled a rat and yanked Lochte’s swimming  buddies off their plane to question them. Can you imagine having to be a sidekick to Ryan Lochte and then ON TOP OF THAT, getting held back in a country that had dead bodies washing up on the shores just because you had a few too many beers and decided to go along with your drunk friend’s dumb story?! The real events have finally surfaced today and it entails drunk bros vandalizing a gas station bathroom. So it turns out Lochte was just getting in front of the story. What looks really bad? Headlines about American Olympians (some might say heroes) going on a boozy tirade at a gas station. What looks really good? Them getting robbed at gunpoint and surviving. Round of applause for that spin zone, Ryan. You really sold it AKA you created a conflict between Rio and the US, made your buddies pay to leave the country and now look like an even bigger doofus than you did before.

grillz PS If you & your boys wear Yeezy’s out on the town in Rio and brag about it on social media, you 100% deserve to be robbed at gunpoint forrealz.
lochte yeezy

Double PS, my very last final in college (shout-out to Olympics class) was the question “What is Ryan Lochte’s catchphrase?” So not to brag but I have a college degree AND I once bubbled in “C: Jeah” for an actual grade. This seemed like a fitting time to toss that story into the mix, because it’s embarrassing, but not quite as humiliating as making up a crime and creating an international incident over it.

2. Whatever, Simone Biles.

View this post on Instagram

😘🌹

A post shared by Simone Biles (@simonebiles) on

I mean the minute this bid started yapping about how much she LOVED Zac Efron and had a fullsize cutout of him (creep, much?) I was like yeah some talk show is going to cash in on having them meet. I didn’t think they would fly Zac out to the actual Olympics, but whatever. Hey Simone, you just won a bajillion gold medals…LEAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US. Ugh, whatever. Not bitter or anything. But like seriously? The video is pushing it. We get it. You guys kissed a lot for Instagram. Call me when he sticks his tongue down your throat.

View this post on Instagram

on cloud 9 💙☁️ @zacefron

A post shared by Simone Biles (@simonebiles) on

3. Biebz is off the grid. I’ve been saying it ever since Biebs went in on fans taking his picture and strolled barefoot around the Boston Common…pop your popcorn because he’s on the fast track to a Britney/Lohan/Amanda Bynes worthy meltdown. It always starts with the fame-hating and spirals from there. Some take it to head-shaving levels, others tweet about Drake murdering their vag. To each his own. It seems as though we’ve got a classic case of everyone stop judging my life and I for one can’t wait to see where this goes.

To catch up anyone who doesn’t follow tween drama–Biebs has been whoring out Lionel Ritchie’s daughter, Sophie (who is basically Kylie Jenner 2.0) and he’s getting pretty sad panda that no one wants to see his latest bae vomited all over InstaG. So he threatened to delete and that’s when Selena hopped in to be like hey guess what no one wants to see your bang buddies, stop being so dramats, your fans love you. Obviously there was some bickering via Instagram comments. Justin replied with, you used me for fame (no disrespect) and there were some cheating allegations tossed back and forth. Realistically this part was like watching your trashy high school friends air their dirty laundry on a facebook status and everyone weighing in on it. It was entertaining for like 3 minutes then we all decided to go out and live our lives. Then Biebs deleted his Insta and Selena’s all:

selenasnapchat

(Cue the Selena H8) WHOA. THE THREATS WERE REAL. BIEBS IS OUT. No more pics of his hoes in different area codes for us! WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THEM?! Rejoice in the fact that we’re one step closer to a Bieber Meltdown, THAT’S WHAT WE’LL DO.

4. Can Ryan Cabrera replace Biebs?

As one of the OG boytoys with spiky hair, I’d much prefer to have Ryan back on the scene and Biebs off. This song sounds kinda like something JB would drop, except I actually like Ryan, so I will listen to this on repeat for the rest of the month and hope that once he gets off his My2K tour, he’s back in our lives for good. Bonus points: this island beat makes me believe summer will last forever. HORNZ ON HORNZ. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO FULL SONG.

5. The ChadBear will do more than shit his pants on TV. 

chadbear

I guess Chad didn’t want his lasting legacy to be taking a dump directly in his shorts on Bachelor in Paradise, so somehow he’s secured a cameo on the upcoming ABC Family sensational hit: Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After. Does it make any sense? Of course not, and there you have the reasoning behind every paid appearance from a Bachelor(ette) alum, ever. Probably one of the smartest PR moves to be made though. That show was a shoe-in to be a dud and now that people hear Chad’s name associated with it, it will be appointment television. I’m already locked in to see what will go down. Call me a sucker for Chad, I don’t care, I’m all in–especially considering the only time Ben and Chad have ever been brought up in the same sentence was this:

chadhatesben

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/20/16

1. She got an LA face with dat Oakland Booty. That movie where Blake Lively gets attacked by a shark has finally premiered, which means Blake is back in the spotlight showing off her bangin wardrobe/bod/life and making me drool uncontrollably. Enjoy her top looks from this week while I scheme ways to recreate all of them. PS she addressed her “controversial” insta caption of a rap lyric and was like all hail curves, na’sayin? Thank you Blake, for being a voice for all of those Oakland booties all over the world (me.)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG5jfH3R4Eu/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG5jzgux4Fn/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG5kTF7R4Gn/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG-GtE9x4Py/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG-eOZ-x4G5/?taken-by=blakelively

https://www.instagram.com/p/BHArlo5R4CU/?taken-by=blakelively

 

2. Solo Styles. I mean I guess this isn’t really news but Harry has signed a recording contract and will be the next to go SoLo. Hopefully he takes some notes from Zayn’s  sexual lyrics and amps it up a trillion billion. Although I’m not sure when he’ll find the time to lay down some tracks…maybe in between starring in Christopher Nolan films?

YAAASSS WWII HARRY. GIVE IT TO ME. Too much? Too little? Just enough?

3. Boring People Rewarded with Reality Show.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG9pmIKzSdX/?taken-by=lauren_bushnell

Exsqueeze me? The most vanilla and boring couple of the Bachelor franchise is snagging a reality show…on ABC FAMILY?! I’m not going to lie to you when I say that I was irrationally heated about this when I heard the news. These two had a shelf life that was about to expire in the fall and instead they parlayed it into a year long contract with a network for tweens. So whateva, go ahead and cash in on your five minutes before you eventually break up but know that everyone in the world wished it was Shawn and Kaitlyn who got a reality show because they’re actually hilarious entertainers who should be paid just for their snap stories alone. Here’s a quick tip for the “future” Mr & Mrs Higgi, from a true TV addict, couples who move in together and instantly let cameras follow them around TEND NOT TO LAST. Also, Ben told JoJo he loved her too. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.

4. PSA: Don’t mix xanies with cocktails mid-air.

bridesmaids plane

This is salacious gossip, which I don’t typically include on the JUice especially if it has to do with the well-being of someone but since Selma already apologized and it was just a quick mixup, I decided to use it as a PSA for anyone who is a nervous flyer like myself. Know how your Xanax cocktail will make you react before you drop it down your throat mid-flight. Cause everything could go swell and you take a 2 hour nap, or you could end up like Selma here, shouting about getting your vagina burned off and exiting the plane on a stretcher. Jus sayin. The more you know. Also don’t try to email your doc for a quick scrip of anxiety meds just for one vacation because it doesn’t work. My sister already tried. (The same sister who went to her Pediatrician until they promptly kicked her out at age 22.) Tough stuff, lesson learned. Click here for Selma’s apology.

5. I Wanna Be That Song, Brett.

Brett’s newest music video where he’s a sexy retro baseball player is all of the swoons. ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND.

 

BONUS: PLEASE tell me Missy will come back with more than a feature in a Ghostbusters theme song by FallOut Boy. Seriously. I need the misdemeanor back in my life pronto.

 

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/4/16

I took two weeks of from JUicin (I realize how disgusting that verb sounds) because Hollywood was really boring me and I didn’t want to in turn, bore you. I’m thoughtful AF, what can I say. Hopefully this week’s updates are worthy. If they’re not, WUTEVER, I tried.

1. Idol is OVER. PSYCH!

Last night was the finale of American Idol and everyone was like wait that’s still on? But apparently it wasn’t really the finale because the creator said this week that it’ll be back and then when Ryan Seacrest had the phoniest “Goodbye America”, he tacked on “for now” at the end. Don’t do this to yourself, Idol. It’s like when 7th Heaven was like whoa 10 seasons is a lot…time to throw in the cap and then came back for an 11th and everyone was like no we’re done with you. Don’t get fanfare about leaving forever and then be like gotcha! We’re back! American Idol is dead. And while we’re at it I’m going to declare The Voice dead. Ooohh sue me. Singing competitions don’t accomplish anything but recently divorced coaches romancing each other and a bunch of people repeatedly being nicknamed after their plight in life. i.e. “Give it up for the once homeless David!” I didn’t expect to rant there but it happened and I’m glad everyone knows how I feel about singing competitions. Now for the good stuff. Kelly Clarkson’s bang piece medley, Carrie’s legs, and Brian Dunkelman getting a paycheck again. Good for you Dunks!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTCXVA0eKfU

FOX's "American Idol" Finale For The Farewell Season - Show

dunkz

2. Anne Hathaway’s Baby.

anne

One of Hollywood’s most hated (for no reason, really) just popped out her baby and gave us all another reason to knock it off with all that hatefire. Her and hubby named him Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman. Since I often report on the dumbest names in Hollywood I thought it would be nice to commend Anne for this very classic and normal name.

3. The Little Mermaid LIVE. When I first saw that the Hollywood Bowl was doing The Little Mermaid Live I assumed it was a show that would then probably be taped and sold to a network. So when I saw that Sara Bareilles was Ariel I was like cool where the F is her long lucious red locks? And when I saw that Rebel Wilson would play Ursula I genuinely felt bad. I mean it can’t be a great thing to have someone be like, you know what, you would NAIL IT as Ursula.

ursula

Then I used my first grade reading skills to actually find out more about it, (I graduated college, nbd) I realized that they’re just playing the film on silent and doing the voices live. Which is SO MUCH WEIRDER. Who pays to see a movie with new voices? Also, John Stamos will be joining in. Because OF COURSE.

4. Gilmore Girls Gossip. Since everyone wouldn’t let it the F go that Melissa McCarthy wasn’t invited back to play Sookie on the Gilmore Girls reboot–which to be fair was really shitty of them and their classic cover-up of “she’s too busy” didn’t really cut it when Melissa was like yeah they never called–all is right again because Melissa will return to Stars Hollow after all. WHAT A SAVE.

Entertainment Weekly also dropped a little behind the scenes issue this week in which we learn that Rory is an English teacher (duh) and Luke and Lorelai are probs together if this photo of them holding hands is any indication. (Double duh) They didn’t really seem like the type of friends who thought handholding was casj.

roryteacherlukelorelaigilmorerebootGG

5. THA real LIP SYNC BATTLE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saOHKFWW3tU

No days of learning choreography, no fancy costumes or cross dressing, let’s get right back to the OG Lip Sync Battle where Jimmy channels his inner Zayn on the floor of the studio and Melissa eats a lot of leaves, rainwater and confetti while becoming one with nature and Pocohantas.

Bachelor Fans Bonus: OP Jr. has arrived.

onion

The woman that once rambled on about onion pomegranates, the Mesa Verde and asked worldly questions like “What are you? It doesn’t matter.” is now a mom. Let that sink in this weekend. Also Brooks is SUCH a TV name. Expect to see him on BIP in 20 years. (Because we all know it’ll never be cancelled.)

 

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Jamaican Me Love You

ben-higgins-jojo-fletcher-finale

In the MOST DRAMATIC three hours this quarter, Chris Harrison butts in at the end of commercial breaks to say something like “watch what happens next” and to remind us ad nauseum that Ben LOVES two girls. Seriously Chris, what a demotion to go from announcing the last rose to instructing people to watch the show we’re already watching. What an embarrassing life you lead. JK there’s nothing embarrassing about how rich Chris is. We’re also introduced at the top of the three-hour block to Ben’s pastor—who is on call because he’s not really that busy. He flew out to LA to pretend to read a bible on camera and basically have no expression whatsoever. Get this guy an agent, STAT! Anyway, TAKE US TO JAMAICA, CHRIS.

In Jamaica, at the Sandals resort, Lauren continues her vendetta against her vagina as she suffocates it in another pair of jean undies. Let it breathe, girl! She takes my advice when she goes to meet Ben’s parents, thank gawd. That would NOT have been comfy to keep digging your denim out of your lady bits while convincing the boyfriend’s parents that you make mature decisions. Lauren earns strike 1 when she greets Ben by calling him cutie. Like what one calls a small child. Yuck. Strike 2 is when she reminds us of her suuuper awkward first date with Ben where she said she wanted to meet his parents. She tells the Mr. and Mrs. that she’s been waiting a LONG time for this moment. (2-3 weeks) Mama and Papa Higgins eat this shit right up though because cut to Mama Higgs holding hands with Lauren. (Remembs when leftover twin met the parents, LoL) Lauren tells Ben that marriage is a big commitment for her—and I’m guessing not just a gimmick for ratings on a poorly produced after-show. ZING, Pastor Denny. They both agree that they’ve never really faced real-life problems, so they can’t wait to get married tomorrow. Recipe for a Neil Lane ring return if ya know what I mean.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.21.58 PM

JoJo meets the parents Higgins next and they don’t really think anyone could compete with perfect Lauren. Case in point, Ben tells them in detail about times he’ll never forget, like when they boned “cuddled for a while”. JoJo is like hey Ben; let’s not tell your parents about our sexy times, I’m trying to get them to like me. Seriously, Ben what don’t you tell your parents? JoJo tears up with Mr. Higgins talking about how much she loves Ben. Then when she tells Mama Higgs Ben loves her, the resulting reaction all but blows Ben’s cover. Mama ain’t so stealth. She also holds JoJo’s hand… but not as much as Lauren’s.

Ben breaks it down with his parents after and they basically tell him Godspeed. Props to Mr. Higgins for using every variation of girl an old man could use. “Young lady” and “gal” amongst others.

On the final day of dates, Ben has the same conversation with two girls and ABC tries to trick us into thinking they have enough original content to fill up two hours of programming. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Ben and Lauren lay on boat hammocks then move to the beach that they are docked 1 foot from to whine more about their first world problems. Ben is afraid that their relationship is TOO perfect. Ugh, h8 when that happens. Later at “dinner”, Lauren wears a nice black evening gown and Ben wears a hoodie. Quick preview into the rest of your life, Lauren. You look great, she tells him, because she’s obligated to return the compliment he just gave her. They sigh a lot and cry because I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not but BEN LOVES TWO GIRLS AND HE’S SO CONFLICTED.

On JoJo’s last date, she gets a recycled waterfall scenery for her relationship turmoil and self-doubt with Ben. Since when does Jamaica drive on the opposite side of the road like the UK? Is this a new thing? Am I really dumb? Don’t answer that. Jamaica is also a place where strange men chase after your car just to say hello. Yeahhhhh…..righhhhttt. JoJo and Ben talk about how hilarious Ben’s parents are. Did I miss something? Were they like ha-ha funny, JoJo, or taking a bottle of wine to the dome funny? Jk that was your mom, the queen of diffusing uncomfy situations like a boss. Anyway, BoJo (wouldn’t it be fun if this was their couple name?) waterfall jumps again. Ben doesn’t land on top of JoJo in the water and therefore it’s boring. Later, JoJo is starting to catch on that Ben loves Lauren, I’m assuming after Mama Higgins basically slipped her a tape of Ben telling Lauren he loves her when they chatted earlier. Ben reassures JoJo that he loves her and nothing is wrong, even going so far as to sit on the bathroom floor with her in a luxury suite of a resort. THAT’S COMMITMENT. JoJo feels like a damn fool and Ben’s like I feel you, boo. Props for JoJo for calling him out. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEN, YOU BIG LIAR WHO TELLS LIES. Ben is tormented when he leaves because he just feels soooooo lost.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.21.12 PM

The morning of the proposal, Ben meets with Neil, can’t tell him who his future wife is but then 3 seconds later it just comes to him, or something. What doesn’t come to him is a sense of style when he picked out the diamond that will be splashed all over US Weekly covers. Yikes that ring is ugly, no offense Neil. You get paid either way. 90% of Twitter males and females agreed with me, so I’m not out of line by saying this ring kinda sucks.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 9.34.23 PM

While Ben is choosing a goo-riffic ring that’s worth millions of dollars, the girls’ put on their ball gowns and brush their throats with makeup (wtf Lauren?) then get into the chopper. JoJo’s dress is a bad prom getup but at least her overly bronzed cleavage got a lot of camera play. What a boner jam treat for the male viewers.

jojocleav

Obviously we all knew what was coming when JoJo arrives first, but no one quite predicted how badly Ben would botch this TV breakup. He stumbles and stutters but the one thing that comes out crystal clear is, “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” YIKES. There was definitely a better way to say that, bro. JoJo obviously cries and feels like a dum dum. Ben makes it worse by following her to the limo and sputtering “JoJo, I…JoJo…”

He gets over it real quick though because there were only 5 minutes left and he had to get to stepping to give that ring out. Covered in Jamaican heat sweat, (and possibly an ice pack wedged in his butt crack?), Ben calls Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. What a sweaty gent. Lauren definitely shits herself on the copter ride over and hopefully they have a cleanup team on call because nothing ruins a romantic island proposal faster than a gown full of poop.

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 10.39.50 PM

They get engaged, Lauren pretends to like the ring and then repeats her infamous “you’re my person” line no less than 10 times and Ben says it back. Enough is enough with this quote. It originated on Grey’s Anatomy for two BFF’s. It does not apply to reality show contestants who have an over under 3-month bet on their relationship lasting.

At the after show, as you might have guessed, Ben and Lauren want to try going on a real life date before they agree to a live surprise wedding, so thanks for coming out Pastor Denny, I’m sure it was really tough for you to creep us all out with your stony face for 3 hours. Also JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!!!! HEY, LET’S CUT TO THE PASTOR SO WE CAN SEE HIS REACTION! No, really. That’s a thing they did. Also Ben re-proposes because they didn’t actually get married right there and producers were scrambling to draw out the airtime. Quick, Chris try out your best standup material: “maybe JoJo will fall in love with THREE guys next season. HA-Ha-HA.” And we’re out. For a couple of months, at least.

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 12.01.40 AM

Thanks for reading, thanks for making fun of this dumb show with me and special shout out to KBell for taking home the W in my first ever Bachelor bracket. Not proud to admit that I picked Becca to win it all when it was an obvious Lauren sweep. (This definitely doesn’t keep me up at night or anything.) Kay, done being a sore loser. CONGRATS KATIE BELL! You’ve earned bragging rights until the premiere of The Bachelorette, when I come back for revenge. (Too much, too little, just enough?)

Standard