Normally the Emmys is the official end of summer and beginning of awards season for me. It’s an exciting time where the weather starts to decline and the only thing to look forward to is cheese boards, wine & red carpets. NOT THIS YEAR THO. Much like the ACM’s last week, we’ve got a whole different virtual formula for awards szn so I’ll do what I can to recap and shove my commentary down your throat. The home base for the Emmys was the Staples Center where Jimmy Kimmel hosted live, and 130 camera kits were sent out to all nominees homes so they could set up zoom style and feed into Kimmel onstage. TOTAL recipe for disaster to rely on technology and most importantly WIFI. Gotta be honest, the high chance of this being a real shit show really pulled me in. Along with webcams came a dress code that stated, “Come as you are, but make an effort.” If we’re being honest that really describes my whole personal style. So let’s see what that meant for the celebs from swanky watch parties to their couch:

Schitt’s Creek Partay was the PLACE to BE. I mean, that flower wall, hot damn. Annie also looks like a real babe soda. 

Ladies of Schitt’s really going for the classic black and red lip theme here. Love the combat boots tossed in with sequins.

It pains me to admit this v. unpopular opinion (especially after last night) but I have not seen Schitt’s Creek in its entirety. I know, I know. I suck. However, this kilt is a nod to his character I’m told? Either way that slate grey is doing thangs for Daniel. Lookin svelte.

You scroll from apple right to the tree. What a family of sharp looks, dark frames and prominent brows. 

Gotta give props to anyone who gowned up for the show when I’m about to literally rate celebrity loungewear in the same “red carpet.” 

Case in point, this fuzzy rainbow sweater robe over what looks like a white cotton jumpsuit. Pj’s but make them for rich people.

More richies PJ’s but this time it’s for a good cause. Rachel had these fancy jams designed for her and her husband and after tonight she’ll be auctioning them off for charity. This past year I decided it was time to stop wearing size XL men’s tees to bed sans pants–Winnie the Pooh style and graduate to the fancy jam game. I really just wanted to pretend for a second that I’m classy and not a homeless troll living under the bridge even in my sleep. I can confidently say now that I’ve upgraded my sleepwear that I’m an old soft tee girl through and through. Silk tuxedos really have no give or breathability for slumber. I felt like the sweaty Hulk in a straitjacket. So maybe Rachel’s jammies ARE a better fit for the red carpet.

Regina King served two looks. The first was a video she produced beforehand to show us what she would’ve worn for a red carpet. She looks bomb and I love the blue. The second is what she wore on camera and I also approve. Honestly I just have a boner for bright colors and this fuchsia is summery and fun.

Damn, check out Tituss showing off a slim and trim bod in this racy red lewk. I’ve spent pretty much the entirety of quarantine seeking out the perfect tie dye loungewear set so I can appreciate a good matching sweat set. This looks cozy and fashionable and even allows for a little unzip to show off the chesties. 

I noticed that many people who advertised their outfit on their instagram also linked it to a product showing us just how shameless celebrities are while they’re “out of work.” I can’t tell you for sure if this is a dress or a robe or what’s going on here because clearly the focus is supposed to be on her glassware and whatever’s in those red boxes. All I can say is that I like the flowers.

Reese WOULD host a party in her backyard and look like this Hollywood Queen. Really would’ve loved a full bod shot here but top half is pretty stellar.

Again this could be a merch hawk but no Mark Ruffalo, NO. It’s like he’s going for youth hipster with that hat and nursing home resident finishing the crossword puzzle with his cheaters through those specs. Thankfully he lost both for the real show or I would’ve cringed my face off if he accepted his award looking like this hot mess.

Obviously the freebie watch is the main event here on Sterling’s instagram but otherwise digging the grey suit and cool guy shades.

YESSSSS, BB! I love everything about this.

I’m all in on this. If I was nominated for an Emmy and had to set up a camera in my own home for probably 15 seconds of screen time, you bet your bottom dollar I’m setting up a whole scene with a ridiculous outfit. Alex flashed on the screen after losing looking like this and it was a highlight of the show. She’s serving a whole ass look here and even though she lost the Emmy, she won “Best Dramatic Character Losing at the 2020 Emmys” in our hearts.

For all the Gilmore Girls stans, Amy and Daniel Sherman-Palladino serving hat game realness at the Dragonfly Inn. 

Jennifer Aniston never changes and has an awards show look that just won’t quit. Throw her in a simple black dress, add some frosting and let those beach waves do their thang.

I watched Normal People and shit all over it and I get that this guy is like a sex symbol for people who were obsessed with the show but WHY. THIS HAIR. He has a literal straight line of hair across his forehead like Dumb and Dumber. Make it stop.

Is this the Emmys or the Golden Globes cause damn, gurl!

It’s the neck scarf for me. (Did I do that right, youths?)

A bedazzled denim top AND tropical wallpaper in your kitchen, yessir! 

The top feathers looked much better when she was presenting on camera than they photographed here. She looks great despite the fact that she’s posing with a boulder.

I got a very large summer boner for this bright coral and the fit is flawless. Top look of the night for me.

The lipstick matches the dress perfectly. Stunning combo and honestly everyone should have a best friend (or someone on their payroll) that will stage an Emmys red carpet photoshoot for you on your AirBnB patio.

I expected Billy to bring it regardless of the location and he sure did. The white accents and the *subtle* awards placement within frame. We get it, you’ve won some shit. I also look like that in my living room except the cape hanging off of me is a fleece blanket from TJMaxx.

I’m very into colors for this Emmys and this was another one that I saw onscreen when she presented and immediately tried to find a picture of it. I’m thirsty for fashion in these dry times. Get over it. This is a watercolor work of art.

My favorite color in a track suit jacket and also an “I read books” intellectual background that no doubt a PA spent hours staging for 3 seconds of air time.

It’s an election year and obviously I expected statement clothing and speeches. We’ve seen a lot of Breonna Taylor and BLM but never just a straight up VOTE set of coordinates. Laura Linney was not who I expected to deliver that. 

I applaud going all extra–especially because she won but I’m not a fan of this flapper party look. It feels too Halloween dress-up for me. I mean, her husband is wearing a red silk tiger shirt like he’s Joe Exotic on date night. It’s a lot.

Would love to know if this is Don’s real house because I’m really vibing with the couch decor and patterned chairs. It’s probably a rental because everyone in Hollywood is “on location” always but we’ve got another political duo keeping it casj cool on a couch fit for a beach house.

 I can’t really say anything about his outfit because he’s sitting on TOP of the camera and you know what? That made me laugh out loud so we’re going to shout it out. He’s the eager beaver who leans in like he’s having a real convo with you even though you’re not even in the same city. What a close zoom we got from Nichola Braun who’s just happy to be here.

I watched the “red carpet” on E for further cringe moments and loved the interview with Ted Dansen sitting in a kitchen looking like a grandpa Facetiming with his kids. It was adorable. The doorbell rang and the dogs started barking mid interview and he was like ope, DoorDash is here! Classic gramps moment. It also looks like he’s just wearing a patterned button down ready for Sunday dinner with the kids. Very wholesome.

Fave look of the night! The leopard! The turquoise earrings! The Monica Geller with beaded vacation braids sound when she sways in this dress! CHEF’S KISS.

And now I’ll give you the highs and lows of the very first virtual Emmys.

LOWS

The Fire Bit. 

Look, I get there’s a lot of pressure to be funny without live laughs and since Jimmy Kimmel and Jennifer Aniston are buds IRL they wanted to have a little fun with it but setting a controlled fire that turned out to be not so controlled in LA seemed to hit A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME. It was a LITTLE TOO REAL. As someone who doesn’t live in the land of the fires, I felt like I couldn’t fully make that comment but then I texted my bestie who does live there and she agreed. So we cool. No more fires in California, even if you’re just joshing around, Hollywood. That being said, Jen staying calm, cool & collected and effortlessly fighting flames onstage in a gown was preettttyy boss.

Monologue

Kicking things off with a fake audience was a no for me. It made it super confusing as to if there were people there or not or if the monologue was pre-taped. I don’t need anymore confusion right now. I spent most of the monologue wondering what was real that I missed a lot of the jokes.

Schitt’s Sweep.

This is both a high and a low for me. Schitt’s Creek won every single award in the Comedy category. So for the first hour of the show, SEVEN awards in a row were awarded to the gang partying it up in Canada. This is a low because it was the first hour of the Emmys and we saw the same people give speeches over and over again. Not a great lead-in hook. It’s a high because I love the fact that Eugene and Dan Levy made a show together and their father-son bond is adorable. You can also tell that Dan Levy is genuinely grateful and appreciative of the awards, even apologizing for winning them all. Props to the Schitt’s Creek crew for not only throwing an Emmys banger but also winning literally all of the awards.

Need More Losers/House Peeping.

Since we had 7 straight Schitt wins in a row, it gave me the time to really need more loser action. Normally we get a lot of crowd reaction shots and due to the fact that we were essentially watching a video conference call, that was lacking this year. We got the epic shot of Alex Borstein petting her dog and slugging whiskey but we needed MORE. I WANT TO DRINK THE TEARS OF THE LOSERS. No but really, I just wanted more peeps on other nominees which segues nicely into I want to see inside of all of their homes, uninterrupted. It seems unfair that we only get to see the homes of the winners (shout out to the dizzying pattern room of Jesse Armstrong above.) GIVE US A PEEP OF YOUR MANSIONS, OR ELSE. Which also leads me to…

Meryl. The Untouchable Meryl.

The almighty who created the overused pointing aggressively and clapping meme from an acceptance speech reaction COULD NOT BE BOTHERED WITH A ZOOM AWARDS SHOW. Bitch is too good to let us see where she lives. If Meryl truly was a woman of the people, she’d set up all of the awards she’s amassed in frame, sit amongst them in an extravagant gown and let us bask in her glory. Instead she chose “OOO.” Whatever, Meryl. It’s a real power move to not even have to leave your couch to attend an awards show and still say you’re busy.

HIGHS

CELEB DOGS!!!

I didn’t get to see as much home decor as I would’ve liked but I DID get my fill of celeb pooches. I’m all in on the pup cameos. It’s impossible to frown when you see a dog coaxed into the frame, especially when it’s a large pitbull being hoisted in like above. I just wanna SMUSH THEIR LITTLE FACES. Dogs should be allowed at every awards show going forward.

Losers Get a Wave.

This weird “someone in a hazmat suit just shows up at your house with your Emmy” was next level shit. Even weirder & more hilarious–Ramy pulling back the curtain on what happens when you don’t win. BYE BYE, LOSER!

The Real Friends Reunion.

I’ve been very vocal about not giving a shit about the Friends reunion that’s been overhyped for a year now that you have to get another streaming service to even watch and it’s just a bunch of cast interviews. Every time they bring it up I roll my eyes out of my damn head. I love the show Friends, I watch it constantly and yet I don’t feel the need to buy every Friends themed merch that they’ve been hawking for the past year. I DID however love this cameo, especially because it came right around the time I started to get bored as hell during the show. Not only did Jennifer look like a total bangpiece in that robe, but the casual oh hey we’ve all been roomies since the 90’s was cute and I appreciated it. I loved it even more when Jason Bateman strolled in. Bateman was a win all around for me last night. From his cameo in the monologue demanding to stay because he hasn’t been out in months and putting a cutout of him from the 80’s front row, to him walking through this Friends bit and snarkily asking Jimmy if he was going to kick him out of his own house too. As a real sarcastic B, I dig Bateman’s salty vibes.

Celebs in Quarantine

Pretty much every celebrity made me laugh in this and that’s rare. Contrary to popular belief they haven’t spent quarantine singing John Lennon’s Imagine. Stars, they developed an alcohol dependency just like us when faced with staying at home for a lengthy period of time. 

Cheers to 2021

Now I can finally say I attended a New Year’s Eve party in Reese Witherspoon’s backyard. I too would like it to be 2021, but for a slightly different reason than Reese. If I hear “2020, man” or “ya gotta love 2020” or “that’s 2020 for ya” one more time I might blow my brains out. So for my safety and everyone else’s, it’s now 2021. End of discussion.

My Emmys commentary in real time: