Category Archives: Television

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – The One Where Ross Surprises Becca

After last week’s lead off with Arie and Kendall stuffing dead white mice in a creepy warehouse full of animal skins, I contemplated not only giving up on this season, but giving up on this trash ass franchise as a whole. Instead, I gave myself a break, didn’t subject myself to the hometown visits or the women tell all and I’m back at it for the final 2 episodes feeling rejuvenated after watching about 10 zillion hours of One Tree Hill in the past week. I’m ready to finish off this season with minimal interest and stories about myself. No need to update me on what I missed because it can be summed up in 30 seconds. Tia is gone, Arie still has 0.0% chemistry with the remaining plain bagels and apparently Krystal decided to start using her real voice once she saw how much America hated her. Ok, let’s bop to Ica, Peru for the final three smash suites.

Kendall

K-money laces up her hiking boots that match perfectly with her crop top. EYE. ROLL. It’s fitting that the girl who wears a crop top on every date is being questioned if she’s ready for marriage. Arie mauls her face in the middle of a desert and says that he missed her. A guy drives them around sand dunes and they act like they’re on a rollercoaster and giggle a lot. Kendall isn’t ready to get married so this is a GIANT waste of time. Déjà vu to hawt Peter from last season shooting himself in the foot in the same way. Kendall wants to know if Arie sees her as a wife in spite of the fact that she likes to manhandle dead animals. He answers by kissing her and inviting her to the fantasy suite. Kendall takes this time to give us a 20-minute speech as to why she’s decided to bone him. If this is any indication, we’re 15 mins into the ‘sode and already filling space. BUCKLE YO SEATBELTS.

In the morning, Arie said they were up all night talking. Ya, ok…TAWWWLKKKING. They discuss about how they each like their eggs and all I can think of is Date Mike and it’s more entertaining than anything that has ever happened on this show.

date mike

Lauren

Real talk, does Lauren have a pulse? Because honestly the only time I’ve seen these two bozos together there’s just complete silence. WTF is their relationship? Basically Lauren is just terrified and Arie only knows how to say yeah. Arie spends the evening portion of the date reassuring Lauren and convincing her that she should be there. He says he loves her and obviously she doesn’t say much back because she’s basically a mute. For the record, “Don’t cry, I love you” is probably one of the ickiest sentences ever uttered. Lauren says from the beginning her and Arie have had this unspoken connection. Um, could it be because they actually don’t speak to each other? A shitty version of Leann Rimes “How Do I Live” plays as Arie and Lauren make out then find their way to the bed. So apparently we’re watching an episode of a 90’s teen soap now. How do I live through another episode of this, amirite? The next morning, Lauren says, “I can’t see Arie ending up with anyone else but me.” KISS OF DEATH, LAUREN, KOD.

Becca

Becca hasn’t said she loves Arie yet and she’s decided to hold onto that tidbit until later in the date. Someone should tell Becca that Arie already told the mute he loves her. Time to catch up or get off the catamaran. She finally grows a set and tells him. He says back that he’s also in love. UGH WHAT A DUM DUM. When will these bholes learn that girls who are insecure about you dating other girls at the same time WILL NOT BE OKAY WITH YOU TELLING MULTIPLE GIRLS YOU LOVE THEM? The answer is obviously never. Arie says he wants to propose to Becca right now and end it. So like, does he actually love Lauren orrrrr?

Screen Shot 2018-02-26 at 9.36.50 PM

In attempts to stir up any sort of drama and wake us all up, Becca’s ex Ross shows up at Arie’s doorstep dressed for a summer wedding. Arie goes “why is hotel management here?” Sick roast, Air-y. Ross tells Arie that Becca is the love of his life and he wants to marry her. Becca hears him out on the front steps of her bungalow before she promptly tells Ross that life isn’t like the Notebook. Wait, so you’re telling me Ryan Gosling will not build me a house and wait for me to find him then make sweet, sweet love to me in it? Well let me just go kill myself real quick. Either way, Becca is not having it. Especially when Ross says he talked to “that guy” whose name he can’t recall. That’s when she really lays down the hammer. Ross, you done goofed. He says he wishes her the best and has no business being here.

idiot

(PS he’ll be insta-famous by sundown tonight.)

Arie is concerned that someone he’s about to propose to has too much baggage named Ross. Good thing he kept his options open by saying he loves and sees a future with two girls. At the rose ceremony, Arie pulls Kendall aside to talk to her and break up with her in the most uncomfortable way possible. He basically thanks her for that amazing night of “talking” and then says he doesn’t know. We all know, Arie. Even Kendall was like yeah I get it, thanks for the memz. If Kendall ends up Bachelorette and we’re in for a whole season of animal carcass touchin, you can count me ALL THE WAY OUT.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – On the Precipice of Falling in Love

Tuscany

Jacqueline is at a point where she feels like she could make the decision to fall in love.

Jason-Segel-Oh-Honey-On-How-I-Met-Your-Mother

Let’s Fall in Love Under the Tuscan Sun with Becca

Screen Shot 2018-02-12 at 8.37.57 PM

They drive an old hot rod into town and Arie shows us he sucks at Italian when he orders a loaf of bread. On their picnic, Becca reassures Arie that she likes him and is here for him. WHY?! He should be reassuring you instead of giving you literally nothing and speaking shitty Italian!

Later, Becca reassures Arie more by saying she’s falling for him and wants him to meet her family and he’s like thank you, here’s a rose. I really genuinely like Becca and therefore I hope that she doesn’t end up with Arie. She does make me doubt her choices when she takes her shoes off outside to make out with Arie against a wall.

In subplot that makes me go WTF this week…Jacqueline cries to Kendall that she has doubts about how feasible this relationship is. But really, she’s using words like feasible and precipice to decode if she likes Arie or not. Go home, Jacqueline, you’re drunk. It’s aggressive that this is made into a do or die storyline but I guess this is what happens when your only villain gets kicked off. Jacqueline goes to Arie’s room, swigs his wine, rubs the back of his head and tells him she’s not confident in her feelings for him. After one date, Jacqueline doesn’t want to be married to Arie and living in Scottsdale. Then she grabs his face so hard and kisses it, I’m actually afraid. We are witnessing the worst part about this show. Put a bunch of women on TV to fight for a guy’s affection and let all of their relationship insecurities run wild. WOOF. Not for nothing, but I noticed as J was manhandling Arie’s head that she’s wearing a claddagh ring facing inward. So like, maybe go home to your boyfriend. Either way, forcefully making out with Arie, sobbing, and incessantly touching her hair isn’t helping her create feelings for this dud, so she bids the pack adieu.

This Looks so Italian! with Lauren B

Screen Shot 2018-02-12 at 9.21.25 PM

They ride bikes and Arie shows off by standing on his bike probably trying to get any sort of reaction out of Lauren. She smiles and says nothing. Stop trying to kill yourself to impress Lauren, it’s never going to happen, Arie. Over some native ‘za, Lauren expresses that Arie would be the first guy introduced to her parents since her ex fiancé. Pressure’s on. Little bambinos kick the soccer ball at Arie to interrupt this incredibly awkward convo and Arie’s like HEY, LET’S JOIN THESE STREET CHILDREN WITHOUT AN INVITE. As my friend Kristi pointed out, Lauren then has to play soccer in a strapless bra, which is pretty much the worst thing that could happen in Italy, or like anywhere

At dinz, Lauren B says she’s starting to fall in love and Arie literally just peaces out. Like gets up and walks away from her. I’m secondhand mortified for LB. The first time she speaks more than 4 words and he’s like BYEEEEE. One time a guy in a bar walked away from me and when he returned he admitted that he farted and needed to take a lap to air it out. Upon Arie’s return he said he needed to walk away because he’s falling deeply in love with Lauren. It’d be much more acceptable if he too needed to walk upwind of his gas. MAJOR BACHELOR FAUX PA. Remember when sweet, dumb, unlovable Ben Higgins told two girls he loved them? That went real well. Jus sayin.

Pups in a Winery with Seinne

Blah, blah, blah, Seinne is WAY TOO good for Arie and therefore this date is super pointless. They make heart shaped pizzas, which is a perfect segue for me to tell a story about myself (again.) When I was studying abroad in Florence like the white privileged basic betch that I am, I learned how to put away an entire pizza, plus a lot of Carlsberg beers, plus a lot of kebabs. Most importantly, I learned that if I went to Gusta pizza and the boys made me a heart-shaped pizza, I was looking like a dime that day. If I came in hungover and unshowered, I could expect a regular ass circle pie like the human garbage that I was. Bottom line, I hope Seinne appreciated that heart shaped pizza. Mi Manchi, Gusta. (Yes, I Google translated that because 3 years of Italian and a semester in Italy and I retained absolutely nothing.) Also, of course Arie sends her home. All the girls are so shocked, especially the elf on the shelf/Bill Cosby/Gilligan/Fat Albert/Jeopardy Guy, etc.

 

The Other Three “Date”

Arie says, “Ciao, Ciao, Ciao” giving me hard flashbacks to when every creeper Italian on this earth would shout Ciao Bella at me in a rapey way. Bekah is not having a great outfit episode. She goes from her triple XL red sweater with a white collared shirt to Little House on the Prairie. Tia has concerns for Arie wanting to be called Daddy by a 22 year old who dresses like a monk and what that might mean for her relationship. Credit where credit’s due though, Tia also tells Bekah she talked mad shit. Bekah sobs and runs right into Arie’s arms for cuddles & comforts and possibly a quick lullaby. After she calms down, Arie wants to know about her family because he knows they disapprove of this process. Bekah chooses not to disclose that her mom disapproved so much that she reported her own child missing. Bekah says she’s getting white hairs because she’s like, so old. No…really. And then, OUTTA LEFT FIELD, Kendall gets the first rose!

An outfit change later, Bekah tells Arie, “Have a little faith in my 22-year-old self.” She gets sent home. Arie cries about not seeing their lives together but also because he really, really wanted to bone Bekah.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Au revoir Baby Voice

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.31.38 PM

Chris Harrison: Welcome to paris, Man!

Arie: Thanks, Dude

#BROMANCE.

Something French with Lauren B.

Arie tells Lauren he was saving this date for her. Which seems like a real load of bullshit. They take a walking tour of the city (what a special date to save) and Lauren says wow a bunch of times. She is a less talkative Lauren B from Ben Higgins’ season. The B stands for boring and that’s obvious. Arie comes off a little desperate for someone who’s dating 10 other girls right now. He says he’s looking for reassurance from Lauren that she likes him. He can’t stop repeating in different variations that he has a boner for her but there’s not a lot of brain activity happening up top.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 8.19.44 PM

At dinner, Lauren confesses that she friend zones everyone and doesn’t feel like she can open up until she trusts someone. So like this certainly is not the show for her. Arie in turn confesses that he knocked up his last serious girlfriend. She lost the baby and left him all at the same time. For once, Lauren B reacts with something other than “wow.” Kind of an unexpected turn of events to slip that story in there, Arie. The shocking story helps Lauren to open up a little more and therefore get rosed.

Let’s Get All Dressed Up with Becca, Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Jenna & Chelsea

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.32.29 PM

It’s this season’s choreography date where the dancers crush it and the awkward birds (like me) look like spazzoids and probably cry about it! Good thing the Bachelor doesn’t allow fatties to participate because the girls all suit up in two piece bedazzled thongs for the Moulin Rouge main act. Black boxes GALORE covering up all these bholes. After Arie inspects each individual buhhole strutting across the stage, he hangs with all the girls before announcing which HPOA gets the rose and stage time. It’s Bekah, you know the one whose known to not call her mom and end up on a missing persons list? She sobs it up like an itty bitty baby. A missing one, at that. In a brutal turn of events, all of the rejects have to watch Bekah shake her 22-year-old T&A all over Arie from the audience.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.31.52 PM

We’ll Always Have Paris with Kendall & Krystal

This is what happens when you only have one villain for a two on one date. We get the most random match up ever. Arie goes into the giant maze and whichever girl finds him first gets time with him. What a tactic. I for one would’ve just left right there. One time I did a corn maze with my friend that was set up for children and we were in there for hours freaking out that we may never resurface again. The sun was starting to set. There might have been tears and a whole lot of panic. When we finally emerged at dusk, the smartass teenager running it ROASTED us in front of everyone and basically told us we were mentally challenged. So yeah, if any man asked me to find him in a maze I’d chuck up my deuces immediately. Lucky for Kendall, who ends up back at the beginning, a PA steers her in the right direction and she’s found Arie by the time the commercial break is over.

Krystal blubbers a whole lot of um’s to Arie about how they’re connecting and working through a challenge then uses her remaining time to say Kendall shouldn’t be there and isn’t ready for love. In typical 2 on 1 date fashion, Arie then repeats this verbatim to Kendall to see how she’ll handle it. She holds her own then tries to kill Krystal with kindness after and tell her that she understands her and sees the beauty within her. It’s super weird and gives me all the uncomfies. Probably because Kendall literally scoots closer to touch Krystal’s arm while that little baby porny voiced B stares up at the sky with dead eyes. It’s not a part of her snakey script so she cannot comprehend what’s happening.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 10.34.22 PM

The date is extended to dinner because Arie can’t decide. He finally gives Kendall the rose because he “sees more promise in their relationship.” YOU GOT SERVED, KRYSTAL. BOOYAH. Her fake ass monologue about wanting to feel accepted and good enough plays in between cuts of Kendall and Arie watching the Eiffel Tower light show and jamming their tongues down each other’s throats. Again, not to brag but I knew Krystal had one more week left in her before she was tossed. It’s like this show is scripted or something. HMMMMM.

Let’s Meet Jaqueline for the first time before she probably gets sent home…

We are mere seconds into the date and the one whose studying to get her PHD SAYS THIS?! RLY?! “It is hot when guys who know things about things, do things about things.” Arie buys Jacqueline a fancy dress to wear to their dinner date where he admits that she’s far too intelligent for him. HEY GIRL, THAT’S A RED FLAG. ARIE IS DUMB. AND INTIMIDATED BY YOUR SMARTNESS. AND WANTS A GIRL TO MOVE TO LA WITH AND PROMOTE SHIT ON INSTAGRAM. When J-Dawg talks about her 6 year plan of getting her PHD, Arie tells her that he feels like he’s holding her back. She then quickly offers to do whatever in order to date him. And this is a role model for you, ladies! Dream, schreams, if a guy chooses you, that’s all that matters! Woof this date is cringeworthy, especially when Arie gives her the rose and says they’ll figure it out. Start researching Fit Tea!

Roses: Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, Jaqueline, Tia, Seinne, Becca

Guess Arie doesn’t want to be a dad, see ya Chelsea! Next up, Tuscany!

PS The editing team tries to throw one hell of a sizzle reel together to fake us all out into believing that this show might actually get interesting this season. I’m gonna go ahead and spoil it for you, it won’t.

Standard
Music, Television

TimberBowl Recap

I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.

Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):

Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHpEJRsHefM

Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eKYR_iL5eU

NFL Dirty Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUoD-gPDahw

Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 12.18.02 AM

And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 12.20.14 AM

JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)

View this post on Instagram

#SBLII #PepsiHalftime @Pepsi @NFL #MOTW @thetnkids

A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake) on

Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 12.21.32 AM

Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.

Screen Shot 2018-02-05 at 12.21.54 AM

Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.

PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.

BONUS: Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Investing In Myself

REBECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

Florida stuff with Chelsea

They yacht it up and then Chelsea straddles Arie on a jetski while the ladies watch from the balcony with a telescope like masochistic peeping toms. They’re all feeling very victimized by this makeout session that they’re spying on.

Later Chelsea talks about falling for a sugar daddy basically, sorry—she called him, “older and more successful.” They were together 7 years and he peaced out when her son was 6 months old for another girl who he married and had a kid with. YIKES THAT SUCKS. That’s my reaction to this story, Arie’s reaction is an exaggerated pout and some croc tears. Ok, bro. He roses her because “he’s proud she’s here.” Why are words such a difficult feat for this man? They dance to a not famous country singer that Chelsea pretends to be stoked to see.

chelsea

Maquel makes her triumphant return after some family time, wasn’t really expecting her to be allowed back. Seems kind of like one of those situations where you leave for good because you’re 23 and probably weren’t a big contender anyway plus like you just had a family member die. But whatevs.. in other news, Tia has no makeup on and looks like a completely different person. I prefer her fresh faced, why cake on the makeup, girl?

There’s Not a Moment to Spare with Maquel, Krystal, Becca, Bekah, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline & Lauren B

lick

Arie licks a bowling ball. TONGUE ON BALL. I didn’t think anything could be grosser than wearing used shoes everyone else has shoved their sweaty hamhocks into until I saw Arie lick a bowling ball. BB Licker then spends the rest of this date acting like he’s in 8th grade at his first boy/girl birthday party. He utters the line “It’s getting hot in this bowling alley” and my eyes roll out the window and down the street. Then one of the girls does an inapprops (she censors out “whore”) cheer to the other team and Arie’s reaction is OMG THAT WAS AMAAAAZING. Seriously are we sure Arie ever learned how to flirt? The deal is the winning team gets to go to the after party and the losers can kick rocks. Obviously since Arie has no backbone he immediately feels bad about this and decides to invite everyone. Krystal has a full-on meltdown and calls Arie a liar and says she’ll never trust him again so she won’t go to the party (all in a very suspicious off-camera bus ride back from the date.) Apparently all her stuff is packed but she wants to talk about leaving instead of actually leaving. The ladies all narc to Arie and he’s like this is awkward better go check on her, see ya later ladies! He scolds Krystal and tells her to stay upstairs in timeout and think about what she’s done.

When Arie returns, he makes out with Bekah and pets her head like a dog the whole time. Krystal puts on a face and dress to join the party that she previously took a dump all over. Bekah immediately puts her in her place and sends her straight back up to the chokey before Arie can see her. Lauren B and her 21 (more like 3 stoopid) Q’s got the rose, I think?

Everglades with Tia

Pretty much zoned out through this whole date because nothing very interesting happened. They cruise through a gator swamp and talk about froggin because apparently Arie thinks Tia is a walking southern hick stereotype. Joke’s on you MF’er, she’s got her doctorate. Also she announces that she’s falling in love with Arie and he grabs her face and makes her look him in the eye when she says it. UNCOMFY ALERT. She gets rosed.

Cocktail Party

Krystal tries to defend herself for being a giant twatmuffin on the date as she says “I was investing in myself and growing from the challenge. I was discovery.” Same, girl. I do that every weekend when I lay on the couch too. Just growing and investing in myself. Being discovery. I’ve decided that one producer was assigned to F with Krystal (as they usually are on this show, thanks UnReal) and tell her to make a speech at each cocktail party so that she looks stupid and everyone hates her. She catches the girls gossiping about her and lets them each take her aside to talk. Obviously it’s difficult to talk to a psycho and these little side chats don’t go swimmingly. She takes her lies to Arie and tries to tell him she had an out of character response because the bowling alley reminded her of her garbage childhood. Arie only half buys it. After she pulls the cutesy “our first fight!” line and he goes it could be our last fight, I was like YASSSSS and then I quickly reminded myself that there’s no way he will send her home and it made me hate him even more.

Roses: Chelsea, Lauren B, Tia, Bekah, Seinne, Kendall, Becca, Jaqueline, Jenna, & Krystal

Standard
Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammys Red Carpet 2018

I gotta be straight up with you. I have a very hard time watching any music awards show that doesn’t feature the big three. Not the Pearson triplets, JT, Bey & Tay of course. Even Ed made the Grammy cutoff and got snubbed REAL hard with no big noms. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in and it was a struggle for me to get excited about this year’s show, which obviously didn’t live up to the hype. Besides Blue calming her parents down, it was a can miss event. Unfortunately same goes for the red carpet. Time to start prepping for the real showdown, Man of the Woods vs Reputation…2019.

WORST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Stop it right now, Giuliana. Act your age.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Coincidence grouped these two stringy looks together. It ain’t doing it for me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Mustard AND velvet. TWO thumbs down.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Clearly Jenny McCarthy was feeling irrelevant and thought a blue wig, early 2000’s rose-tinted bedazzled shades and black sheer gloves would solve that problem.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

what.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Camila looks like she’s going to prom and this is only 60% of me being bitter about a singer who made a song with sounds that rhyme with Havana.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I had these exact pants when I was in 8th grade and wore them on Easter with black flats and a baby blue shrug cardigan (with a mouth full of braces) so no I will not support this look at the Grammy’s, no matter how much you try to sex it up, Anna.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Why are purple shiny boots ever necessary?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kesha’s hair looks great but this western unisex look she’s been workshopping the past few years is killing me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Woof city: population Joey.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I commend Chrissy for being this pregnant and still wearing heels like that. My balloon ass feet would not look good in those and I’m not carrying another human. The dress sucks though. Saarrryyy.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

What was the inspo behind this outfit? 1980’s news reporter gone bad gurl?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

HEIDI WE GET IT. YOU ARE A MODEL WITH A SLAMMIN BOD. WEAR SOMETHING OTHER THAN LINGERIE ON THE RED CARPET.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I love Pink and her daughter and I feel personally victimized by this dress choice.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Same name or not I can’t get behind someone with crystal butterflies adorning their gown.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

The Cardi B tooth fairy in the building.

BEST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen and I want it. Talk about an hourglass fig!

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ryan throwing some mad hipster vibes.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Always love when Gaga goes class act instead of shock value.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This year’s host looking like a dapper Dan.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I’m never not going to gush over Lauren and Thomas is wearing fur loafers sooo he wins.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t love or hate this dress but it was really a struggle here for rounding up a best dressed list.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Let’s politely ignore the fact that Ashanti’s nipples are loudly on display and just admire the golden beauty of this princess dress.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Nick clearly left his dinner date in Hell’s Kitchen to roll over to the Grammy’s but I don’t even hate it because he looks fine as hell.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t really know what’s going on with this neck shoulder thing but Miley redeemed herself with a lovely pink gown for her performance as she further proves my theory that she’s back to dressing classy ever since Liam da Gawd took her trash ass back.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I respect this F it outfit for someone whose a brand new artist at the Grammys. Oh I’m nominated for my first grammy? Watch me wear sneaks and a white tee to go snag it.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

FIRE FLAMES PINK SUIT.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Glam Shaming

the-bachelor

So I came in 20 minutes late tonight…sue me. It’s exhausting to carve two hours out of my life every Monday. (Apparently I missed Maquel leaving…was the reason dramatic or what? Fill me in.)

I started watching where Arie takes Sienne to the Hard Rock Café, what a hawt date spot. Sienne gives some real talk about growing up learning that love is hard and not always easy and that made her a hardass bitch. She also tosses in some intelligent thought about race and how it scares her that the other girls (whites) might have a better chance at this love story. Sienne is smart AF. Too smart for this show, DEFINITELY too smart for this dum dum Arie who can’t string words together, so obviously she gets the rose. Girl deserves so much better than a hokey chain restaurant known for t-shirts and guitars hanging on the walls. LANCO serenades them with the “Greatest Love Story” and it’s just movie magic. 

Will Our Love Survive with Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jaqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany & Caroline

A silver fox Green Beret and his wife teach the girls that survival is necessary in the woods, which apparently means peeing in a S’Well waterbottle and then drinking it. DEDICATION. How did you find your wife? She drank her own piss and ate a few earthworms. LOLZ, JK GUYZ! Turns out it was just apple juice that Arie did an over the top spit take with. This show is so goddamn stupid. And sad. I would never drink my own piss for a guy. Have some standards, ladies. After tossing back bugs and swapping spit, they form teams and have to navigate through the forest with their backpacks. The team with Arie on it gets lifted over every branch and rock so THAT SEEMS UNFAIR. The conclusion of “bitches trying to use a compass in light snow” is of course some hot springs (aka Nature’s hot tub.) In the steamy waters, Krystal tries to crawl into Arie’s lap and natch everyone calls her out until he swims to the center with no one sitting on his hot tub boner. Krystal calls this “so high school.” Wow I wish I went to a high school where 14 girls fought over a guy in a hot tub. I feel like the pregnancy statistics might’ve spiked.

Later on, Krystal really wants to hammer it home that everyone else is lame and she’s amazing and perfect. It’s exhausting for her to watch other girls try and she hopes Arie sees through their bullshit. I can’t stop laughing out loud every time this asshole speaks. Lauren B chats with Arie and asks what he’s looking for other than someone with a flexible schedule. Is that a requirement for any Bachelor winner? “I’m looking for a girl who wants to move to LA and work her schedule around my Dancing with the Stars appearance,” should be the tagline of the show. Lauren B gets it. Kendall and Arie’s “chemistry is off the charts and completely unexpected” hmm, maybe because she travels with dead animals that she’s named? IS THAT WHY you’re questioning your attraction to her?! Once Krystal opens her dumb mouth again we’re treated to a SLEW of bitch talking from the other contestants and I’m LIVING for all of the other girls impression of Krystal’s porny baby voice, More, more, MORE! Krystal obviously plays the victim with Arie and he falls for it so hard.

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.21.31 PM

Krystal then takes Caroline and Tia aside to tell them her feelings were hurt by them making fun of her and Arie trying to canoodle in the hot tub. They’re like really, dude? And she replies I was really uncomfortable getting the one on one so early. Lolololol. Who says that. For someone who typically hates the biddy drama on this show, I would watch Caroline and Tia team up and serve cold, hard doses of real talk on a show any day. Tia storms off to find Arie and I’m rooting for her until she goes “I don’t know, this is just f’ing hard, dude.” Tia. Call Krystal dude all you want. Do not call the guy you’re trying to date dude. Cut the shit. Tia gets the rose so I guess I need to start calling guys I like “dude.”

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.13.55 PM

Babysitting with Bekah

Arie likes Bekah because she’s mature and full of wisdom. So we’re really going to build up to this age reveal. They ride horses up to a hot tub so they can touch each other in a more acceptable setting. Arie talks about a car crash where he flipped a bunch of times and broke his collarbone. I actually appreciate this story because I was starting to forget that Arie actually had a badass career at one point and wasn’t always stumbling over his words with an infant in the hot tub.

Later Arie asks if Bekah is ready for marriage (if the time is right or she’s with the right person.) And she’s like I’ve never been with the right person and the time has never been right. Ok, smartass. He’s like no…in life. BASICALLY ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED? And she finally reveals that she’s 22. And Arie’s like FUCK. (Actual reaction below.)

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.49.39 PM

He basically tries to push her away before anything happens and she’s like nah let’s do this. “There’s no guarantees in love,” says the BBgirl who is guaranteed to not be ready for marriage and start poppin’ out kids tout suite for this 37 year old guy. He gives a long speech about how worried he is but then that turns into how much he wants to keep kissing her, therefore here’s a rose. WHAT AN IDIOT. Props to Bekah for that spin zone though. She’s like we all know nothing, such is life. Take a chance you big wiener. And Arie was like K.

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 9.49.48 PM

Chris Harrison interrupts Krystals’ 100th fake AF speech to the other ladies about valuing every experience to drop the hammer that the cocktail party is CANCELLED. Arie knows what he needs to do and Krystal has a pretty large dump in her sparkly cocktail dress. She obviously steals Arie before he can hand out a rose. She wants to tell him that she feels a connection with him or something. I don’t even know because she whispers everything like there aren’t cameras on her filming her every snakey move.

Roses: Sienne, Tia, Bekah, Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh & Krystal OF COURSE

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – I’m Getting Dumber

The episode starts off with a ladytestant saying, “How’s everyone feeling today?” And from the sea of bitches, one solo Valley girl dramatic voice sounds, “I’m emotionally and physically DRAINED.” Are the girls trolling now? This girl whose name I can’t possibly remember didn’t actually say that in that way and be taken seriously, right? HERE WE GO.

It’s All About the Ring with Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, and Krystal

Screen Shot 2018-01-15 at 8.28.07 PM

This is the GLOB (Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor wrestling) date. WOW. G-L-O-B. You’ve really outdone yourself, ABC. Today’s guests are two wrestlers from GLOW…a legit acronym and something more appeasing to the ear than GLOB. These OG wrestlers (like pre-Total Divas) harass the ladies for laughing and insult them with the intent of pulling out their wrestler attitude. Except oops, it backfires with Tia and Bibz, who can’t take the heat and leave the ring crying. The gals are like SEE YA, YOU WEAK GLOBS OF SHIT. Of COURSE Bekah’s the cool chick trying to become a pro wrestler and loving every minute of the date.

Ya boy Kenny comes back to slam Arie around the ring as the opening act while a bunch of these dum dums in shitty costumes watch from the sidelines. Highlights from the girls fighting: Bekah the black skank cat vs. Maquel the hideous lunch lady who beats her with a literal lunch tray. Krystal is a leopard of course. And Marikh pulled bills out of Lauren B’s underwear.

marikhwrestling

Later, Krystal makes out with him first then asks if she should be aggressive or hang back at group dates. Arie told her to be herself so she took that as, be an asshole. Bibiana complains about Krystal. Bekah talks about how breakups are good because it helps her eat better and hit the gym. Did I mention that I find her INCREDIBLY annoying? Her and Krystal can kick rocks. Ugh. Bekah gets the rose.

You Had Me At Merlot with Lauren S.

“I think it’s going to be a date about wine” MY BRAIN CELLS HAVE MELTED AWAY.

Lauren and Arie drink wine in a vineyard and talk about their early bedtimes because they’re getting old. No, Arie. You’re getting old.

Later, Arie asks what “came to coming here” for Lauren, and she replies with 15 different stories that don’t tie together. Ramble city, population: one of the Laurens. She admits finally that she feels like she’s not being herself and he’s making her nervous for no reason. So that’s a weird way to call curtains on all that word vomit. Arie grabs the rose to be like I can’t give you this because I don’t even know. But really. That’s what he said. He tells the camera the spark isn’t there. Probably because he wanted his ears to fall off. Cut to the MOST DRAMATIC suitcase pull ever and Caroline dissolving into a pile of tears. It’s week three. Calm yourself, Iago.

Love is Ruff with Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea & Annaliese

ASHLEY, BRITTANY, REBECCA, CAROLINE, CHELSEA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR., ANNALIESE, JENNA

We’ve got a dog “show” on this date. Would’ve been a much better date to just have a giant puppy pile but who am I to judge. Count Analiese out for any puppy interaction because of course we have another traumatic flashback to her almost losing her eye to a dog bite as a child. In quick summary, all of the ladies suck at wrangling pups onstage. Not even Fred Willard’s commentary can save this dog shit date, and that’s a true shame.

That evening, Annaliese has a traumatic experience with Arie. She doesn’t get kissed. And Chelsea interrupts her for a smooch. One day we will watch a black and white flashback about this with a sad heartbroken soundtrack. Chelsea gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Bibiana bitches about not getting time still because that’s what she was put on this show to do. Bekah tells Arie that he likes her because she doesn’t need him. His response is, “You’re kind of nailin the, nailin the…nailin it.” Good talk. You’re getting flustered by a 13 year old, Arie. Seriously, check her ID already and get this over with.

Analiese asks for a kiss and Arie replies “I just don’t think we’re there yet.” AWKWARD. Then makes out with the taxidermy chick. DOUBLE YIKES. The girls coach Analiese to go back and put him on the spot and he’s forced to dump her pre-roses.

Roses: Bekah, Chelsea, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren, Brittany, Becca, Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh

BYE, BIBZZ.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Sleep with One Eye Open

s22e2

Hold on Tight with Becca K

Arie picks up Becca, hops on a hog and goes “so you just have to hold onto me ok?” Gawd, do they create every sort of sexual dating fantasy for every girl? I went three months in Italy thinking I was legitimately going to meet an Italian and he would take me for a spin on his vespa around the Tuscan countryside. Guess what I did instead? I spent three months getting drunk at a bar with 5 euro beers, talking to other Americans and eating a kebab every night before bed. So it’s safe to say I already hate Becca for this date. Krystal confesses to everyone back at the ranch that she’s seen a lot of body parts scattered from motorcycle accidents so THANK GOD she wasn’t on that date, because it would NOT HAVE BEEN OK. Nothing like replying to hold me tight with “I hope you don’t lose your torso when we both get smeared across the highway.”

becca

Remember when I was jelly of this date just from the motorcycle ride? Well it gets worse. They arrive at a mansion where Rachel Zoe is there and Arie acts like he knows who the F she even is. Becca does a movie montage fashion show for Arie while he drinks champagne and twirls her in each dress. And whatdya know, she looks good in EVERYTHING. So she gets to keep them all. He then gets on one knee and gives her Louboutins. Is this a dating show or did she just get gifted a million dollar wardrobe? Neil Lane, not to be outdone by Rachel Zoe, is like Becca, frost yourself with my jewels and now it’s just getting creepy that Arie wants to deck her out like a Barbie on their first date. Be more materialistic. She shows off all her riches to the other girls and one’s reaction is “they’re going to get married.” Ah to be the dumbass that thinks whoever gets you the most designer duds MUST be your husband. True love.

“Becca lights up the entire room all by herself” says Arie, but yet he still felt the need to completely give her a makeover for a simple dinner date. (Bitter, table for one.) He keeps explaining that he just wanted to spoil Becca but like why? I hope it’s not lost on her that he’s spoiling her with ABC’s money… They talk about his past experiences and if he can change her brakes so she can stop spending money on a mechanic. He can. Becca’s last relationship was an on and off 7 year relationship and PS her dad died. Despite that sad hiccup, Arie and Becca have like the best first date ever and that’s gotta SUCK to have 21 other girls get to date and smooch him after that.

Home is Where the Heart Is with Krystal

They fly to Arie’s home of Scottsdale, AZ because apparently something about Krystal’s porny voice said, I should bring this girl home on our first date. Of course he brings her to his high school and points out his first jobs and she just stares with her mouth open, basically. He shows off his home, where they look at photos and watch home videos and Arie pretends to be embarrassed even though he set this whole date up. And then my worst nightmare came true, he brought a girl he’s had one conversation with home to meet his entire family. On WHAT PLANET IS THIS NORMAL?! Not for nothing but Krystal and Arie’s mom don’t NOT look exactly alike if you know what I mean.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.32.38 PM

At dinner, Krystal decides to unload about her shitty upbringing and how she took care of her brother, who is now homeless. After she describes her brother being attacked while living on the streets and having leathery skin and singed hair, she’s like so does that scare you? RUN, ARIE. RUN. They make out and slow dance to a singer whose name I already forgot. More importantly, Krystal rubs her head all over Arie’s shoulder while they’re dancing like she’s a cat trying to get a head scratch. The next morning, Krystal doesn’t want to tell the vultures all about her date and therefore they want to skin her alive.

Let’s Hit Love Head On with Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana and Chelsea

annaliese-puccini

We’ve got ourselves a little demolition derby where the girls decorate their own cars and then smash the shit out of each other. Annaliese can’t stop hysterically crying out of fear before the derby because she had a traumatic bumper car experience. What about children crashing their cars into each other and getting whiplash as a carnival ride ISN’T TRAUMATIC? Props to producers for giving us a dramatic flashback to a faceless child in a bumper car like she’s been abducted or something. Arie comforts Annaliese and doesn’t call her an idiot, which she deserved to be called for sobbing over bumper cars. We soon learn it was all bullshit (don’t sleep on Annaliese for being calculated) because the minute the derby starts she’s slamming into people left and right. She must have felt SUH much better after getting extra time with Arie to dry those tears. Seinne wins. Haven’t heard her speak until this moment, basically but good for her.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.02.50 PM

Brittany injured herself from ramming up everyone’s bhole’s in her car so she can’t make the night portion. The girls pretend to be sad. Chelsea steals Arie first to reveal that she has a three-year-old son and asks Arie how he feels about that. He’s like I basically only date single mothers so yeah it’s chill. Hey Arie, why you tryin to play dad so hard? Let’s reflect on that. Seinne turns out to be the smart, cultured girl who doesn’t seem like an asshole (YET). She went to Yale and studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. Arie’s like I worked at a Pizza Hut LOLERZ. Bibz yaps all night about how she can’t have any time with Arie, so obviously we all brace ourselves for a fiery meltdown, which does not disappoint as she screams don’t f’ing touch me and storms away from the group. Now I REALLY regret going in so strong on her in my predictions. I let lust get the best of me, obviously. Speaking of lust, Arie and Bekah make out for an obscene amount of time and it’s beginning to gross me out. She’s basically a 12 year old boy. I’m concerned for Arie. Sienne gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Brittany gets the first chat and Arie wants to check to see if she’s braindead/give her a computer printout of a fake certificate for her effort trying to kill everyone on their date. Bekah and Arie tongue more. All of the rejects who still haven’t talked to Arie band together to take down Krystal whose being greedy AF and won’t leave him alone. She’s already asking him if he missed her, Ughghghghghgh GROSS. And she’s all, I didn’t even tell the other girls that I saw your house!!!! Want a cookie, bitch? Obviously Krystal triggers me and I can’d decide if it’s her voice or…it’s definitely her voice. 100%. Bibz flips the F out on her because obviously Bibiana is the spicy latina who will have no issues popping off and speaking her mind even though she basically hasn’t tried with Arie at all. Either way, expect these two to feud it out for at least another week.

Rose Ceremony: Becca, Krystal, Seinne, Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana

Jenny(?) storms by Arie like a drama queen instead of saying goodbye. Since he’s 37 and not 5, he follows her out to have a civil conversation about it. She’s like I’m not sad about you SEE YAAAA and squirms out of his hug. Oh, honey.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Hair Down, Boobs Out

arie

We’re back for another season of The Bachelor because like ABC couldn’t even give us New Year’s Day to recover, which is pretty selfish of them, TBH. We’re introduced to Arie, for me it’s the first time I’m meeting him since I didn’t Bach until 2015 and he was on it like five solid years ago. I learned that his nickname is “the kissing bandit” and unfortunately for all of us I think we know what that means. A season full of Chris Soules-esque sloppy makeouts. Just shoot me now. ABC runs back the footage of Arie getting dumped back in the day because obviously that’s the only “heartbreak” he’s ever experienced. Cue a scene with Arie walking with a helmet in his hand & 1 zillion driving metaphors. Then Sean and Catherine sit down to tell him that he could have marriage and babies REAL soon. Or like…short-lived fame. Either one, either one will do.

Chelsea is a single mom and is like it sucks but it is what it is LOL. (I wish I watched my mom say that on national TV) She thinks she has a good chance because Emily also had a child. Then she acts like a total oddball at her introduction and says there’s a lot….to get to know….. and Arie is like hm that was weird (but falls for it anyway.) It becomes clear quickly that she’s the house bitch and also that she won’t tell him that she has a kid. This secures her a makeout and the first impression rose.

chelsea

Caroline is fresh to the real estate game and bragging about how many houses she’s sold. She’d love to have a kid one day BUT NEEDS A BOYFRIEND FIRST HAR HAR.

Tia is from Wiener, Arkansas and is this season’s accent that makes me want to rip my ears off flavor. Which makes perfect sense because her BFF is Raven. So it all adds up. She hands him a little wiener so he remembers her. I hate myself for just typing that sentence.

Kendall as predicted, is a WEIRDO. She’s hugging dead stuffed animals, playing a uke in a tree serenading a dummy seal. But then pulled a fast one on us and played it REAL normal meeting Arie. What a trap.

Bekah is a nanny who likes to climb mountains on the weekend. She drives a Mustang up and instantly makes a bunch of enemies but Arie is digging her bubbly personality. I’m waiting with baited breath until they reveal that she was hiding her age because she’s actually 18.

bekah

Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom. She “uses many different spices but is ready for some salt and pepper in her life.” ZING. (Hey Arie, she just called you old.)

Krystal films herself working out on a beach for a career. Eye roll. She also has a homeless brother and packs a sack lunch for homeless peeps every day. Her raspy sex phone operator voice that is already getting on my nerves. Her entrance = holding her hands over her heart and saying a prayer or something and Arie gets a boner.

Bibiana was underwhelming for my #1 girl crush this season. I’m ashamed to admit it.

Brittane puts a sticker that says Nice Butt on Arie’s bhole.

Valerie dresses like a sparkly banana in a prom dress probably from Deb.

Rebecca/Becca makes him mock propose to her. Can you say COCKY?!

They put all the Lauren’s in the same limo. What a sick joke.

Amber (I’m pretty sure it was Amber…all of the A’s looked the same) announced upon her entrance that she owns a spray tan company and therefore has seen a lot of dicks and hoping Arie isn’t one. Sick intro, tell your future boyf how many D’s you’ve seen.

Annaliese is basically Hilary Duff from A Cinderella Story because she dresses as “the kissing bandit” and then builds up to a big reveal at the end because Arie still hasn’t seen what she looks like. Annaliese would be dumb enough to rob a bank with that mask and think it hides her identity.

ANNALIESE P., ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

One of the A’s I think asked Arie to smell her pits so she could make a pit stop pun. With the nerves flying around there’s NO WAY her pits didn’t smell of saturated stress sweat.

Maquel rides up in a racecar then steals Arie to take a selfie. Did they even talk? Probably not.

Brittany brings Arie out to the driveway where they race battery operated kid cars. Except the way that Britt wedges herself into a car fit for a two year old, while wearing stilettos, physically gives me the uncomfies. She bets him a kiss and he obviously lets her win so he can tongue her down. Brittany immediately brags about said smooch to all the other ladies.

Jenna gives him a foot bath and massage, causing me to throw up all over the couch. And she’s a real hot mess.

Rose Ceremony: (probably forgot some because let’s be real, there’s too many)

Chelsea, Rebecca/Becca, Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G, Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S, Seinne, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B, Ashley, Tia, Maquel

Standard