We’re back for another season of The Bachelor because like ABC couldn’t even give us New Year’s Day to recover, which is pretty selfish of them, TBH. We’re introduced to Arie, for me it’s the first time I’m meeting him since I didn’t Bach until 2015 and he was on it like five solid years ago. I learned that his nickname is “the kissing bandit” and unfortunately for all of us I think we know what that means. A season full of Chris Soules-esque sloppy makeouts. Just shoot me now. ABC runs back the footage of Arie getting dumped back in the day because obviously that’s the only “heartbreak” he’s ever experienced. Cue a scene with Arie walking with a helmet in his hand & 1 zillion driving metaphors. Then Sean and Catherine sit down to tell him that he could have marriage and babies REAL soon. Or like…short-lived fame. Either one, either one will do.

Chelsea is a single mom and is like it sucks but it is what it is LOL. (I wish I watched my mom say that on national TV) She thinks she has a good chance because Emily also had a child. Then she acts like a total oddball at her introduction and says there’s a lot….to get to know….. and Arie is like hm that was weird (but falls for it anyway.) It becomes clear quickly that she’s the house bitch and also that she won’t tell him that she has a kid. This secures her a makeout and the first impression rose.

Caroline is fresh to the real estate game and bragging about how many houses she’s sold. She’d love to have a kid one day BUT NEEDS A BOYFRIEND FIRST HAR HAR.

Tia is from Wiener, Arkansas and is this season’s accent that makes me want to rip my ears off flavor. Which makes perfect sense because her BFF is Raven. So it all adds up. She hands him a little wiener so he remembers her. I hate myself for just typing that sentence.

Kendall as predicted, is a WEIRDO. She’s hugging dead stuffed animals, playing a uke in a tree serenading a dummy seal. But then pulled a fast one on us and played it REAL normal meeting Arie. What a trap.

Bekah is a nanny who likes to climb mountains on the weekend. She drives a Mustang up and instantly makes a bunch of enemies but Arie is digging her bubbly personality. I’m waiting with baited breath until they reveal that she was hiding her age because she’s actually 18.

Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom. She “uses many different spices but is ready for some salt and pepper in her life.” ZING. (Hey Arie, she just called you old.)

Krystal films herself working out on a beach for a career. Eye roll. She also has a homeless brother and packs a sack lunch for homeless peeps every day. Her raspy sex phone operator voice that is already getting on my nerves. Her entrance = holding her hands over her heart and saying a prayer or something and Arie gets a boner.

Bibiana was underwhelming for my #1 girl crush this season. I’m ashamed to admit it.

Brittane puts a sticker that says Nice Butt on Arie’s bhole.

Valerie dresses like a sparkly banana in a prom dress probably from Deb.

Rebecca/Becca makes him mock propose to her. Can you say COCKY?!

They put all the Lauren’s in the same limo. What a sick joke.

Amber (I’m pretty sure it was Amber…all of the A’s looked the same) announced upon her entrance that she owns a spray tan company and therefore has seen a lot of dicks and hoping Arie isn’t one. Sick intro, tell your future boyf how many D’s you’ve seen.

Annaliese is basically Hilary Duff from A Cinderella Story because she dresses as “the kissing bandit” and then builds up to a big reveal at the end because Arie still hasn’t seen what she looks like. Annaliese would be dumb enough to rob a bank with that mask and think it hides her identity.

One of the A’s I think asked Arie to smell her pits so she could make a pit stop pun. With the nerves flying around there’s NO WAY her pits didn’t smell of saturated stress sweat.

Maquel rides up in a racecar then steals Arie to take a selfie. Did they even talk? Probably not.

Brittany brings Arie out to the driveway where they race battery operated kid cars. Except the way that Britt wedges herself into a car fit for a two year old, while wearing stilettos, physically gives me the uncomfies. She bets him a kiss and he obviously lets her win so he can tongue her down. Brittany immediately brags about said smooch to all the other ladies.

Jenna gives him a foot bath and massage, causing me to throw up all over the couch. And she’s a real hot mess.

Rose Ceremony: (probably forgot some because let’s be real, there’s too many)

Chelsea, Rebecca/Becca, Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G, Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S, Seinne, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B, Ashley, Tia, Maquel