Pop Culture

The Olsen Twins: A Timeline of Coordinated Outfits

The heyday of Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen was pre-Twitter, Memes and Vines, and what a true shame that is. They may be high fashion queens now, but I feel like it’s necessary to remember them for who they used to be—the pinnacle of coordinated outfits and envy of all non-twins. The Olsen twins were the trendsetters of my generation and it’s about time we bow down to them for it. Here are the best of the worst coordinated outfits, complete with the top trends they made cool (in chronological order by movie, obviously).

It all began with the exact matching outfits with theme. This is easily my favorite. Two wittle sailors circa the 90’s. I respect this look because my mom also went through a phase of sewing my sisters and I matching outfits for Christmas cards with coordinated patterns. Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever seeeeeen?

Once the girls got a little older they were like ENOUGH, mom. We want to be individuals! This is when they started the same outfit but opposite colors trend. This pretty much stuck for the next ten years. Because it’s not matching if it’s not the same color, DUUUHHH. These neon backwards hats were edgy and cool for their “You’re Invited” intros.

For their ever so classic Sleepover Party that I was obviously invited to, they decided to T it down with the matching so their friends didn’t think they were total losers. If we’re being candid I don’t think they needed to worry about a girl who brings a framed picture of her dog to a sleepover because she misses him so much judging them. Anyway, they rock these jean headbands and coordinated purple and florals as they teach us how to spell PIZZAAAA, P-I-Z-Z-A.

Is it bitchy of me to post this picture where they’re clearly going through a hairstyle identity crisis phase? Probably, but when you stumble upon gold like this it’s pretty much a crime not to share it with the world. The girls revert back to their old ways for a press appearance with exact matching outfits right down to the frizzy blowout and chunky black platform sandals. The pastels that complement each other were a nice touch though.

Billboard Dad was when the girls’ personalities really started to shine through in their fashion choices. Anyone whose anyone knows that MK has always been more tomboy and Ashley more feminine. Even though their styles started to part ways, they held it together with matching colored lenses and well-placed butterfly clips because they’re spunky AF. Also quick LOL to the baby boobs coming in during this era.

Ah we’ve arrived in the Passport to Paris era. The girls embark on a new country during Spring Break and set off the tradition of a new vacation movie every year…which I am forever grateful for. This movie showed how they handle international style and just how much they’ve grown up. We get to see travelwear like we’ve never seen it before, with the opposite color one-straps. Blue for MK (duh) and Pink for Ash. The moment this movie premiered I marched right over to JCP to buy my own one strap. Mine was also blue because I was going through a tomboy phase like MK and the sound of that velcro strap was like music to my ears. Also has anyone ever looked cooler in pleather?

Paris also treated us to THE HANKERCHIEF. Instead of matching exactly, they matched themes with their peasant tops paisley print for Ash, gingham for MK. Ever having a bad hair day with your perfectly blown dry bob? Slide a headband with a triangle hankerchief hanging off it right on and all your problems are solved.

After reviewing this outfit choice, I’m beginning to think that Paris started to think all Americans were trashy around this point in time. Wearing camis fit for a PJ set out for a day of sightseeing isn’t exactly approps for the City of Lights. The shell chokers, beaded hair and matching purses make up for it though, obviously.

Formal wear for the ladies consisted of a loose strand in the face (it’s elegant), a string of pearls and a spaghetti strap dress. It’s no wonder those french boys were all about slow dancing with these fine young American women. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GAWD.

Right around the same time the Olsen’s started jet-setting, they also personally invited me to their Dance Party. I’m glad I could make it because there were some really cool rapping moments in the girls bathroom. What IS all the noise about boys? Since they’re at the age when they’re dancin it up with boys, MK&A got real edgy with the animal prints. Zebra bags, cheetah lined pockets, RAWR. Did they take the black choker/wrist cuff and slightly racist Japanese shirts a little too far? No, no they did not.

Shortly thereafter, the girls witnessed a diamond robbery in Our Lips Are Sealed. They had to be placed in the witness protection program, which gave us a live look at how they dress for their geographic location. In Cali they were all about the graphic tees and tinted shades:

In Seattle they were hipsters with chokers plus hers & hers hemp bucket hats/bandannas:

And Aussieland gave us the tropical vibes with hawaiian prints and bathing suit skirts:

I must’ve been really good that year because my reward was a yacht party in Australia that yielded the greatest matching 70’s outfits alive. Not only were those white Go-Go boots (that eventually were ditched on the boat to jetski with the cute guys) on point, but they danced with peace signs and told classic jokes to the camera. “Oh am I supposed to say something funny? SOMETHING FUNNY!” Ohh Ash, you should’ve just let your outfit do the talkin.

The girls really matured when they started to grow their hair out and join the debate team. They had their first educational movie in Winning London and they really showed they were there to work hard with their trench coats and scarves, but their patterned flare pants revealed that they have a wild side too. Classic case of business on top, party on the bottom. The comeback of the tinted aviators kind of throws off that theory though because that could also be perceived as party on top. Let’s reiterate: Party(shades):Business(turtlenecks, scarves and smart coat):Party(plaid/tie-dye slacks):Business(a smart pair of leather mom boots). WHAT a balance.

SHIT. I forgot to factor in the puke colored plaid bucket hats. I don’t even know where these fall on the spectrum. WHY ARE TWO FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS WEARING SO MANY EARTH TONES? That’s so Brit of them.

Thank GOD they lose their overcoats and kick off their chunky heels to get TURNT at the club one night. Unfortunately that means they don these icelandic eskimo dresses, pink vs. blue of course. Although this time Ashley’s in the blue. Really throwing us for a loop there. The turtle necks, however, are apparently even necessary while partying. Let your necks FREE, Chloe and Riley! (For the record, their names in this movie were so good they re-used them for their show So Little Time. Chlo + Riles 4eva.)

Holiday in the Sun blessed us with some more Hawaiian patterns as the girls were whisked away for winter break on their dad’s private jet to Atlantis in the Bahamas. If you think I’m complaining about these tacky floral prints, it’s got nothin on the level of whining that came from the twins when they realized they were going on a family vacay instead of partying it up South Beach style with their trashy high school friends.

Instead of being thankful for their all expenses paid tropical vacation and a full box of Krispy Kremes, they amped up their “we’re basically legal in this country and we can do whatever we want” vibes and went balls to the wall. Falling in love with the local who cleans the shark tank and investigating smugglers occupy their time, and skintight tube tops and one-shoulders occupy their bodies. Even their beach wear consisted of tight wifebeaters, I’m assuming to show off their fully grown boobs. All to the tune of Weezer, obviously.

Other notable trends from the Bahamas: The comeback of the pigtail braids

Murica themes…(Seriously if this tube top were still around today I’d wear it to a 4th of July party because it’s cute AF).

And from day-wear to night-wear, the black one shouldered tank paired with opposite colors geometric skirts. Club READY. Now he’s what time it is. Ok you got me, I think I actually genuinely liked every outfit from this movie. The girls reached their fashion peak in Atlantis. Hair, accessories and clothing were on point. All the awards. The beach suits them.

Road trips on the other hand, didn’t suit them so well. It’s hard to imagine that these two globe-trotting beauties were only just turning 16 but after making out with so many cultured men it was time to get their licenses and celebrate with a classic cross-country road trip in Getting There. They discovered straighteners and how to look casj in addition to a bright red ‘stang. Nothing says road trip like aviators and converses.

If they wanted to look a little more mid-western casj, they threw on their sleeveless plaid shirts and earth tone corduroys. It seems as though they learned nothing from the barf tones from Winning London. 16 certainly didn’t start off with a bang for these two. It’s nice to see that they celebrated the big year with continuing the ultra matching theme right down to the jeweled choker.

Italy was much kinder to their fashion sense in When In Rome. They’re artsy and cool as they intern and immediately get fired from unpaid work. It doesn’t matter though because they have their hotel room directly IN the Colosseum and their cozy neutral wrap sweaters to fall back on.

The final installment in the straight to VHS collection of our two favorite gals is The Challenge, where all of their past lovahs come back to ask why the hell they only got a peck and nothin else. This movie was an overall DUD mostly because it played out much like an MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge without the drinking or the sex. Booooo. However, it brought us the linen pants and beach waves. YAS. Lip gloss for an extreme challenge? Duh.

We’ve finally arrived at the end of the Olsen girls’ career as we know it. New York Minute, the full length feature film that people (me) actually paid to see. Boy was it a shit show. Apparently going mainstream made them cocky they could pull of anything, because they made the executive decision to wear these I ❤ NY t shirts with tacky red skirts and chunky heels for like 98% of the movie. No, thank you. In a sense, we came full circle because we started with exact matching outfits and ended the same. We end the saga not with a bang but with a whimper.

And because I never end the list with a whimper, please feast your eyes on a little then and now version of Rebellious Olsens. If this childhood doo-rag picture doesn’t make you laugh out loud then I pretty much don’t want to know you as a person. The second shot (obviously not present day because it’s not terrifying) was roughly 8 years later on their short-lived TV show So Little Time. Wildly underrated in my opinion, also fire theme song. From bandannas to clip-in color extensions, fake tattoos to fake tattoos. We’ve watched these two grow up before our very own eyes. A fashion evolution, if you will. They’re in their 20’s now and I can only hope they still call each other to plan coordinated outfits for outings, even if they are black cloaks, at least they keep the twin fashion sense alive for the rest of us.

Now excuse me while I check if their WalMart clothing line is still available online…

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Somebody Pick Up My Pieces”

Ok somebody’s gotta say it and you know I have no problem being the first. Nashville is in a RUT. There far too many Nashvillian’s this week that did things as interesting as watching bread get moldy. To put it nicely, I would’ve rather watched an hour of Will and Layla’s short-lived reality show “Love and Country”. Speaking of Will, he debuted a new song this week called “I’m On It” and the best part of the song was when he harmonized with another random guy. So he should probably do more of that. You know, stuff with guys. Obviously he’s still trapped in the closet R. Kelly style and did we ever actually think this story line would play out this long when it first debuted fifteen years ago (sorry it felt like fifteen, I guess it was technically last season).

Everything is going swimmingly in Nashville after Jeff is ousted from Edgehill until suddenly…we interrupt all of you country singers recording and self-promoting that your label just shit the bed and you should probably go back to working at the Bluebird Cafe for the rest of your lives. That’s right…EDGEHILL IS DEAD. GUITAR RIFF.

While a fifty year old record label burns to the ground from the match that Rayna lit (you go girl!), Layla is apparently still sexing it up with recently canned Jeff Fordham. Bro has basically moved in with her and is milking the downfall of his career for all that it’s worth. Layla grows a brain for a second and asks the Fordster if this is some sort of mid-life crisis and he’s like yeah probably but whatevz. And she says what everyone has been thinking, which is THIS IS WEIRD. Even weirder, they plot to buy the music catalog from Edgehill and branch off into their own label to become Nashville’s new power couple that is doomed from the start. They’re like we can do this and get our careers BACK. Instead of shaking on it they bang on it.

Fordham goes to Luke with the offer to start a new label–he’ll do the managing if Luke will dole out the cash money flow, so there’s absolutely no way this could go wrong. After Luke has a run-in with Rayna in the elevator (sadly no steamy ‘vator hookup ala Grey’s Anatomy although I was hoping for one to spice things up a bit) Luke’s hate for his ex-fiancé blinds him into calling Jeff and signing a deal with the devil. They want to poach Will Lexington first. Fordham in the most casual way ever is like hey maybe we need Layla Grant as well. And Luke basically tells him that’s the dumbest idea on this earth and maybe he should shut the hell up. Fordham’s like ehh ok sounds good. You put up a good fight there, Jeff.

In La-La Land while the big time label moguls are scrapping over a singer whose known more for his bedroom activity than his actual music (seriously, how many times have we heard Will sing?) Dr. Hottie gives Deacon the option to do a sketchy trial treatment that has only been tested on pigs in Nigeria instead of getting a healthy liver transplant. He also continues to spit real awkward game at Scarlett and talk about lattes. Scarlett boohoos about Deacon getting depressed again and cries to Gunnar who says, I have a brillz idea let’s get the band back together and forget the fact that Zoey-the-worst was ever on this show! Gunnar could also use a distraction because no matter where he is he pictures Micah that bastard child and thinks about his brother boinking his girlfriend. The band hits the Bluebird stage and sounds like a lost track from a Simon and Garfunkel record. Avery sings like a real creep for some reason, over-pronunciating his words and making weird faces. I no longer support this band reunion. After feeling great about singing again without a homeless man forcing her to, Scar goes back to Dr. Hottie and asks him in the most uncomfortable and awkward way possible if he would like to go out sometime. He accepts of course.

In aggressively pregnant, haven’t left the couch in 4 weeks land, Juliette is pezzzed that Us Weekly called her a big fat cow and she’s like is that really what I look like? Do you actually want us to answer that Julez? She has a Vogue photo shoot that was previously booked but now she’s self conscious and at the shoot, poses in a way that makes her look like she’s taking a dump. After another little meltdown with Avery she decides to pose nearly nude for Vogue and embrace her 15 months pregnant body. She shows Avery and he pops a boner and loves her even more.

Deacon gets sad again this week, and then angry because he’s dying, in case you haven’t heard. He goes into the studio to help Avery out with some guitar tracks and ends up trying to take over as producer and being a litttttle aggressive about it. He decides to turn down the trial of untested drugs smuggled from Mexico and just let God (or network producers) save him. He also apologizes to Avery for being a dick and seriously that’s all Deacon does this episode. Gonna need a cure (in the form of Rayna) REAL soon or I’m gonna start wishing they kill him off.

Speaking of killing off characters…Sadie confesses to Rayna all about Pete the deadbeat ex-husband whose extorting her for money. They have girl talk and Rayna is like come stay in my guest house because I’m rich. Then my favorite kind of Powerhouse Rayna comes back to play when she agrees to pay him off, faces him and says, “Maybe the good lord only gave you two inches, I don’t know. But if you ever come near my friend again I will make it my mission to ruin you and unlike you I actually have the power to do it.” BOO. YAH.

Rayna continues to climb atop her throne that reigns over Nashville by holding label tryouts to reboot and become top dog now that she took Edgehill down with one single hair flip. Layla shows up to the tryouts uninvited because Fordham doesn’t want her for his rogue label and he knows Rayna is a sucker for women. Artists go in and out of Ray’s office and Layla continues to wait on the couch like a sad old cheeto stuck in between the cushions. Rayna wants to give Layla a chance because she knows that Fordham left her face down in a pool to die. Newly promoted Bucky disagrees and Ray pretty much stomped on his promotion when she said we’re not signing who you want to, it’s my way or the Highway (65). Layla accepts the pity offer and after Fordham comes home to tell her that Luke finally came to his senses and said please get outta here because everyone in Nashville hates you, Layla offers for him to be her manager. TRAIN. WRECK. comin atcha.

And finally, my favorite thing this week–watching Teddy in FULL panic mode about his secrets being exposed. Teddy calls Jeff once he hears of the label crash to ask him hey, we cool? Then after Fordz doesn’t return his calls Teddy sends a SWAT team on him, all to cover his hooker-banging ass. Teddy catches up with Fordham talent scouting at the bar and he’s like kaaaay everything’s gr8 right? And Jeff says “Loose lips sink ships all the DAMN TIME!” Actually Taylor Swift sang that on her critically acclaimed album 1989, but Jeff is obviously a T. Swift fan because that can’t just be a coincidence to use that phrase. Teddy calls Loose Lips, I mean, his former paid girlfriend to make sure she doesn’t blab. That obviously wasn’t sufficient so he rolls up to her house instead and dun dun dunnnn it’s bugged and Teddy the moron falls into a very cliché political trap when he tells her to keep it under wraps and make up a story where he didn’t bang her and leave a wad of fifties afterward. BYE BYE TEDDY!! Hope you updated your rezzy cause you’re outta here!

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Welcome to Amsterdam?”

The bitches are back together, because Yolanda forced them to be for a little light physical activity and serious competition in the Fantastic Race. More importantly, ma gurl Camille is back. I’m assuming the girls are told to wear workout gear, which is why I’m not at all surprised that Kyle shows up in yoga pants with a pink belt slung around her hips. Stop being such a tryhard, Kyle. Kim hears the rules of the game and immediately says, “I don’t wanna” like she’s a child being forced to go down for a nap. The guys draw names for teams as if they don’t realize they’re throwing enemies together like Molotov cocktails, they totally do. It’s what they’re getting paid for. Brandi and Kyle are put on the same team of course. The rules are given very explicitly…no ubers. A loud collective groan is heard from the group of women who would take a taxi across the street.

Eileen is going HAM on this race and will take no prisoners, which is unfortunate because Kim is acting like she’s a prisoner on her team being forced to compete. Her knees are hurting and she doesn’t want to drink a milkshake wah wah, Eileen’s like FINE I GUESS WE’LL LOSE BECAUSE OF DEAD WEIGHT. It soon becomes clear that finishing a milkshake is probably the hardest thing you could ever ask this group of women to do. Kyle complains that Brandi left the herp on the straw they’re sharing and Yo & the Lisa sandwich team has an all out war for chocolate vs. vanilla. Chocolate wins and Yolanda doesn’t let anyone forget that she voted for ‘nilla.

Pretty much everyone involved in this activity hates it, and I can’t imagine why women who brawl every time they’re around each other wouldn’t love a group bonding scavenger hunt. It’s baffling. Eileen and Kim argue over how to open a clue, Lisa convinces her team to cheat and catch a ride, and finally when they arrive Lisa has absolutely no tolerance for the last puzzle and says F this let me in, I’m the owner of this joint. Due to technicalities, Team Eileen wins, and victory suits them well because they’ve stopped bickering long enough to accept the gold medal. The only camera time Camille got this entire race is when she said goodbye to everyone, for shame. Then Yolanda announces one more game and the rules are as follows: sit there and glare at Yolanda and she will surprise you with a rich people trip to Amsterdam. Ding, ding, ding, you’re all winners!!!

Then we get to the real meat of this week’s episode, watching everyone pack their designer gowns and delegate the stuff that they most likely never do around the house to the housekeeping staff for while they’re away. Life is really hard when someone tells you that you’re going to Amsterdam for a week to F around, I guess. Yolanda facetimes (she figured it out!!!) her mom to warn her of the crazy bitches that are about to invade her home country. This whole conversation is in Dutch and it is mesmerizing to watch the great Yo fluently speak in another language like a real cultured class act.

Speaking of class, the first leg of the trip begins and naturally it’s on a private chartered jet with the likes of Babyface. Before even boarding the plane, Kim reveals that she hates Rinna because Brandi two-faced Glanville threw Rinna under the bus to Kim. Hey Brandi, youse a dick. Yolanda acts as flight attendant once everyone has boarded the yacht of the sky, she walks around handing out magazines like chicken or beef—trash mag or GQ for you today? Within minutes of being in the air, Rinna calls Kim out for her pouty I hate you act and there’s no better place for a fight than when you’re stuck in the sky is what I always say. Kyle hides under a blanket while Rinna apologizes and Kim shouts DROP IT NOW. Whoa, that escalated quickly. Kyle is embarrassed that her sister is fighting in front of Babyface but let’s not forget that shitty song “I Love My Life” that BF made up at Yo’s dinner party so he should still be the one who’s embarrassed.

In Calgary, the women attend a charity event for the David Foster Foundation. Brandi rolls in wearing fake bangs that I can only assume she found at Claire’s and are velcroed on. Woof, girl. Yo gets up to speak about how obsessed with her husband she is, nothing new here, really. Kyle fangirls all over Steven Tyler and looks like a real creep…she brags about him kissing her but is this really something to brag about? Rinna dances like a Lakers Girl in the crowd and it is confirmed that I want Rinna at any party I ever throw.

Once the gaggle of housewives arrive in Amsterdam, chaos ensues. Kyle can’t find her rolling bag which contains all her jewels. It’s not a child…but it IS her jewelry. (Her words not mine, unfortunately.) Brandi reassures her by saying no one steals shit in Holland, it’s scientific fact. They all overload the escalator with their hundreds of bags containing juicers and an exhausting amount of outfit changes and create a pileup like a bunch of morons who shouldn’t be allowed in public. Then Kim shits in Kyle’s mouth for being late for once in her life. Everyone boards a bus from the airport to their destination where Kim and Kyle talk about each other to Yo and Rinna respectively while they sit one seat apart. Amsterdam is shaping up to be REAL entertaining and I look forward to next week to find out if Lisa is all talk or if she’s really going to hit that blunt.

Extra Highlights:

-Rinna telling us in her aside that she hates the whole G-D scavenger hunt/race and then flips off the camera. Can’t hold a Rinna down.

– “We don’t have a fucking butler on this trip.”-Brandi just keepin it real. She doesn’t need a butler like Kyle does, all she needs is a headband with fake bangs attached to it to go with her evening wear.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Time to Get Down to Biz…On Sacred Ground

This week starts out in the mystical land of Bali. Prince Farming may be out of his element because there are actual people in this city but he doesn’t let it shake him as he shouts in a market like a foreigner and plays instruments with starving children. He’s so cultured now. I’m really proud. He stares out at the water with his new monkey friends and ponders what it will be like to finally bang one out after weeks of tonguing every woman he speaks to.

Kaitlyn’s Date

Kaitlyn and Chris go to a local temple, no kissing allowed, and Kaitlyn must cover up her buhhole hanging out of her tight pink cutoffs plus her open back top. Show some respect, gurl. They balance baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban that makes him look like more of an idiot than usual. Chris introduces Kaitlyn as his girlfriend to the villagers, so apparently we’re now watching sister wives. “Everyone is so nice here,” Chris and Kaitlyn agree… and it has absolutely nothing to do with the camera crew following them around. They kick it with their monkey friends who they feed bananas to. The monkeys inspire Kaitlyn to go after what she wants: Chris’s banana.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn is shaking and she doesn’t know why…I’m guessing it’s because she’s visibly shaken by how sweaty Chris is. Chris sweats in regular moderate temps and as you can imagine, putting him in a tropical atmosphere has pushed his hyperhidrosis through the roof. Bro has pit stains down to his waist. Kaitlyn is having a hard time letting her guard down, Chris tries to relate but ummm I’m pretty sure you’re not also vulnerable Chris, this is your show and you have the upper hand. Quit bitching and choose your biddy. Chris invites Kaitlyn to the fantasy suite, and follows it up with, “I think we deserve this…” AKA “I think I deserve to get a little ‘tration after several weeks of foreplay.” Kait is falling in love with him and is also ready to sex it up in an all expenses paid resort.

Whitney’s Date

Whitney runs into Chris’s arms and wraps her legs around him, because apparently every female contestant is obsessed with the leg wrap greeting. They have a yacht picnic in the Indian Ocean like they’re Jay & Bey or something. The 12-year-old yacht conductor (?) drives the massive boat into the dock, so things start off with a real bang. Whit throws mad shade at sis Kimberly just because she wouldn’t give her approval last week and isn’t living in La La Reality TV Land. Whitney, please don’t apologize for a sister who has rational thought. Chris responds with like don’t worry about it, it’s awkward and stuff. Whitney is reassured. They jump in the water to be spontaneous, but I’m just concerned that Whitney’s going to come out about 4 shades lighter after that spray tan mixes with the Indian Ocean. The creepy child driver is rooting them on as they make out like a solid peeping Tom.

Whit sashays into dinner in a dazzling lime green vacation maxi dress. Whitney reminds Chris that she never got to see Arlington and Chris is like lemme paint a picture for you: there’s 4 people who live there and there’s nothing to do there at all so you have to go other places. I spend most of my time on the couch as a shut in, so would you like to live there with me? Whitney’s like hey I would never choose to live there but I want to be a wife and mom lalala. I’m going to leave my entire career behind for you, mostly because I’m guessing they don’t need any fertility clinics in Arlington, maybe they should focus on grocery stores first. And with that, Whitney has created the new feminist motto: I’ll give up everything just to marry you. Career schmareer. She’s rewarded for her good woman decisions with the fantasy suite.

Becca’s Date

Welcome to Bali, Becca—check out this small child carrying 100 lbs of vegetables on his head while you stare at him in your leather romper and stress about your virgin confession! Chris gets to see how people without tractors (or simple technology) farm, and it’s really exciting for him to watch the hard labor. They kick it with some of the toddlers who are probably on their lunch break from work and take pictures, rubbing their iPhones in these poor children’s faces. Then they see a love guru/medium/someone wearing a turban. He tells Chris that Becca is hard to control. But then also tells them to make love in order for their date to go well. Chris clearly slipped him a 20 beforehand. This will pay for his rent for three years. Becca is starting to feel temptations though because vacation sex, and they’re making out in a babbling brook.

Chris says that he can envision a life with every single one of these girls. This is when my wine buzz kicks in and I shout at my TV: YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE, CHRIS. FIGURE IT OUT! Becca word vomits a lot of stupid stuff about trying to find someone to love, and also points out how small Arlington is, like Chris DOESN’T KNOW, gawd Becca you’re SO STUPID. Becca’s real unsure of if she’s ready to commit to such a shitty town when she’s never been in love before and doesn’t know how love feels or anything. Chris replies, oh PS I think I’m falling in love with you too just like everyone else–because he can’t bear to say something to one girl and not the rest. No one left behind. Except for Kardashley, whose body can be found in the Badlands. He also gives her a fantasy suite so that he can sharesies whatever he has leftover from the last two bang sesh’s he just had. (Side note: am I the only one who things it’s a little suspicious that all these girls are AOK with him taking each one of them for a test drive in the same weekend?)

Once they’re fantasy suite-ing it up she’s like ok, TRUTH BOMB TIME. You ain’t getting any tonight! When Becca admits she’s a virg, Chris is smirking so uncomfortably and has quite literally no idea how to respond to it. “I’m glad that…uhh…I respect…um I’m surprised…and um, uh….that’s the truth.” Becca is FLOORED at how perfect his response is. WHAT WORLD AM I LIVING IN? That response was turrible.

The next morning…Chris says the night went swimmingly (as swimmingly as a night without fantasy suite porking can go) and while Becca walks along the beach, he ponders if he should lock the virgin out. Girl has no idea as she walks through the waves that Chris is quietly sobbing into the infinity pool about possibly having to cut her loose.

Chris sits down with C.Harrison to tell him he’d like to choose polygamy and move to Utah with these three boo’s. C.Harrison is like cut the shit and pick one. This week’s drinking buzz word is clarity, and boy does Chris need some in this Bali tropical fog to help him send one packing.

Rose Ceremony

The gang all gathers at a holy ground where it is vital that C. Harrison tells Chris not to rape anyone’s mouths here because that’s extremely disrespectful. I also find this orange belt on Chris pretty disrespectful but who am I to judge. Things are immediately SO hard, so he pulls Becca aside to chat. Becca knows she’s on the chopping block and she’s like I’m definitely in love with you now so don’t send me home. Becca says she’ll do whatever it takes just to stay with him. I finally have to cover my eyes to shield them from all of the female groveling that is occurring for a man who giggled when she confessed she’s a virgin.

After Chris collected his thoughts and exhaled for an exorbitant amount of time to fill the remaining ten minutes, he gives Whitney the first rose. The second rose goes to Becca and Kaitlyn has the BEST “bitch, please” look on her face.

Kaitlyn and Chris say their goodbyes. She handles it like a champ considering he dealt with this like he did with every woman on this show, baby bitch style. He blubbers about how hard it was and how confused he is…and clarity… and she just lets him dribble out a whole lot of dumb. Girl scoops up her pride and dignity and peaces on out of Bali. Kaitlyn is the bomb.com and words cannot express how happy I am that he axed her so she can walk free and do cool shit and not end up with this DUD.

Best Quotes:

“This is a great start to the beginning of the rest of our life.” Does Kaitlyn know that everyone else also got bang suites?

“I’m thankful we didn’t get eaten by sharks today.”- Chris should probably be more thankful their child yacht driver got them safely back to shore rather than the slim chance that camera crews allowed them to swim in shark-infested waters.

“Unfortunately it’s not so cut and dry.”- C. Harrison. Whoa, this is what they pay you the big bucks for? C.Harrison is a modern day therapist coming in hot with the tough love advice. Just kidding, he’s paid to just sit there and agree that things are REALLY HARD.

Movies, Television

Oscars 2015 Recap

Not one to miss out on milking this shit for all it’s worth, I of course had to also recap the big kahuna of all awards shows, the Oscars. The Oscars are notorious for being long and boring as shit. There’s not a lot of alcohol, there’s 1 million categories, many of which contain movies in different languages and they’re really serious. Last year Ellen hosted and managed to make it upbeat and snappy and not excruciating. This year I had high hopes that Neil Patrick Harris would pick up where she left off. Unfortunately, he did not. Here are the highs and lows of the Oscars including a little breakdown of NPH’s opener.

NPH’s monologue was a little bit of talking and a WHOLE lot of singing. I’m not into musicals so that didn’t really do it for me. Save it for the Tony’s. He kicks it off with a great joke about Selma getting snubbed: “Tonight we honor the best and whitest–sorry brightest.” and it all goes downhill after that. The musical number is about how great movies are and there’s a lot of green screen graphics, then Anna Kendrick joins in for shits and hey why not Jack Black too? Jack hates on movies though so they kick him offstage and AK throws her shoe at him. At this point I wanted to throw my shoes at my TV, but I held out hope it would pick up.

Anna Kendrick sang about NPH getting his throat slit in Gone Girl and they shouted it out to the Kanye interruption which I never need to hear a joke about again for the rest of my life. We all need to cut the shit with giving Kanye the attention he so dearly wants.I think the best part of this opening song was when they panned to the crowd and everyone had a blank stare, I’m also pretty sure Jason Bateman was asleep. Look, alive Oscars…there’s more shitty jokes to come! Here are the best and worst moments, neither of which contain a star-studded selfie that broke Twitter (Miss you Ellen).

Highs:

-NPH’s several tux changes were on point.

-JK Simmons wins and tells everyone to call their parents and listen to them for as long as they want to talk and tell them you love them. This went into effect for me immediately when my mom started texting me from her email on her brand new iPhone 6 that she has no idea how to use. Luh yuh Mom, but technology isn’t for you.

-Adam Levine performs “Lost Stars” from Begin Again (when he dabbled in acting) and every woman in America needed a change of undies after he got down on his knees to serenade them.

-Polish filmmaker won for foreign film “Ida” gave the longest no F’s given speech ever. He rambled on and called out his drunk Polish friends and as the music started to play him off he just shouted over it until the music was like K, you win. Nailed it. This set a precedent for everyone to give absolutely no regards to the orchestra for the rest of the night. If they really wanted someone to get offstage they were going to have to go up there and drag them off. Well played.

-Neil Patrick Harris hit the crowd and was chatting with all of the seat fillers and pretended that Steve Carrell was also one. It was awkward and unfunny but Steve actually rescued this bit as he’s known to do. He was the best at improv club after all.

-Patricia Arquette wins for best supporting actress and is suuuuper out of breath but she manages to get out some Feminist, Girl Power equal pay shoutouts and Queen Meryl pulls her pom poms out from under her seat and almost rushes the stage in excitement. JLo also shakes it for feminism.

-Common and John Legend perform Glory and bring the house down. John Legend can serenade me with his angel voice until forever. Apparently Hollywood agrees because they get a standing O and lots of tears.

-The Ultimate CREEP of the night award goes to none other than John Travolta. He started things off hot on the red carpet by getting all up in ScarJo’s biz:

Then Idina Menzel presented with him, introduced him as Glom Gizingo (Ha-Ha…Get it cause last year he called her Adele Dazeem and we heard about it for the next 7 months?) and he delivered a quick face rape that I had to cover my eyes for. Here’s a friendly tip, Glom, if you want to seem hip and in on the joke, maybe don’t also give everyone the heebie jeebies while you’re at it. Easily the most entertaining moment of the night though watching Idina try to escape his petting with a smile on her face like this was all planned.

-Glory wins for best song and we find out that Common’s real name is Lonnie Lynn.

-Lady GaGa does a Sound of Music tribute and for once in her life wears a gorgeous dress, doesn’t do anything zany with her hair or makeup and let’s her great singing voice do the talking. I can dig it. Julie Andrews can too because she geeks out over it and they hug it out.

-Guy with glasses in the hairtastic Birdman crew thanks Larry, his dog, among his children. Seriously why don’t dogs get more shout outs at awards show? They’re more important than your children.

-“Gone Girl was originally titled ‘Bitches Be Trippin, Yo’”-NPH

-Eddie Redmayne wins best actor which was announced in the most casj fashion ever from Cate Blanchett, “Okie dokey, Smokey, the winner is…” (I’m guessing that wasn’t on the teleprompter.) Anyway, Eddie loses his shit onstage and it’s kinda adorable and kinda frightening at the same time. He pulls it togets long enough to shout it on out to ALS. No ice buckets though.

Lows:

-Tegan & Sara/Lonely Island perform “Everything is Awesome” from the Lego Movie. Apparently children’s movies are now best enjoyed on acid because this performance had strobe lights and bright colored cowboys and stuffed dogs. It was too much.

Also since when are three goobers who sing about jizzing in their pants and F-ing mermaids allowed to soundtrack a kids movie? I was really holding out for a remix with one of the old classics. It didn’t happen so feel free to listen to them anyway to forget that stupid song about being awesome.

-There’s a whole lotta suicide action at the show and it’s a real downer. Two women win for (something I’ve never seen and therefore quickly forgot) and as the music is aggressively playing them off, one woman says that she lost her son to suicide and we should all talk about it. The music immediately cuts and maybe we should talk about this later? Then Graham Moore from The Imitation Game accepts an Oscar and is all thanks Oprah for my Oscar tralala when I was fifteen I tried to kill myself. He makes it inspiring but things took a sharp turn real quick. The moral of the story is keep being weird and different and alive and you too will one day get to meet Oprah.

-NPH takes to the crowd again to do a bit with David Oyelowo about how nothing is offensive with a British accent (which usually is true, Brits get away with everything cause they sound classy AF) but this time it’s a really lame bit that’s unfunny. C’mon Neil. Actually while we’re on shitty bits, let’s also discuss when he comes out in his tighty whities. We get it, you have abs for days, but was this necessary?

-This year’s “pizza” joke was the locked box that NPH kept his predictions in that he made before the show even started and then brought it up 100 times throughout the night to assure everyone that they were secure and have not been tampered with. At the end of the night the payoff is a bunch of one liners of specific things that happened throughout the night. It was stupid and drawn out. The only prediction I laughed at was “Travolta will be back again next year to apologize to Idina for all the face touching.”

-Meryl opens up for the In Memoriam segment saying that actors will always be remembered because we have their body of work that will always live on. Basically if you haven’t performed in something everyone will forget you after you die. The In Memoriam segment itself is just a bunch of drawings of dead people set to sad music. WOOooOooF. Then Jennifer Hudson uses her powerhouse voice to honor them. She has slicked back hair that my mom described via text, “must feel yucky to touch.”

-Terence Howard almost cries onstage about Selma and then gets grabby with the mic which obviously causes some feedback. First time on stage bro?

-Sean Penn presents Best Picture to Birdman and announces it gracefully with “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” A little racism to end the night on…the director responds with, “Two Mexicans in a row, that’s suspicious I guess.” Yiikes.

And that completes the 3 1/2 hour portion of my life dedicated to awards shows every Sunday. I hope that you enjoyed my endless recaps and fashion blogs this awards season. We’ll pick up right where we left off when the 500 Country Music Awards start again in a just a few months time. I for one, cannot wait.

Movies, Red Carpet, Television

Oscars Red Carpet 2015

This is the last time this season that I’ll get to snark all over famous people in designer dresses while I wear an oversized tee shirt and yoga pants glued to my couch…and it’s bittersweet really. Awards season just flew right on by, and yet it’s still winter. Here are the people who showed up to the biggest awards show in the biz looking wooftastic. To be fair though, they did have to deal with some pretty aggressive rainfall and for that alone they deserve all the awards.

Worst Dressed:

Eddie Redmayne’s plain suit and hunchback posture and his wife’s curtain dress. No and no.

This saggy dress is doing nothing for her Gina Rodriguez’s body but make it look like she has a uniboob. Also that bun is aggress.

First time ever Jared Leto’s hair hasn’t been on point. Add in an umbrella and powder blue suit and I can’t get on board.

JK Simmons and wifey look like they’re posing for one of those old timey Wild West photoshoots.

Thank GOD this is the last awards show because I’ve had ENOUGH of Keira Knightley and her whimsical butterfly applique dresses.

Hate to do this because Kelly looks great, but John Travolta IS a wax figure, right? Hard to believe I used to crush on him during the Danny Zuko days. Also he’s wearing a chain choker.

Not into the white suit on anyone.

This is probably the most normal thing Lady GaGa has worn and yet she still managed to borrow Mr. Clean’s gloves and ruin it.

Don’t even know who this is but this dress is hideous. Sorry, girl.

I really loved this a lot, Marion Cotillard and then I saw the back…

This looks a little witchy for me.

I get that Meryl is God and everyone bows down to her but seriously can she start dressing like it? These church outfits with her hair pulled back are real roughsicles.

That red belt ruined it for me. Looks like a karate belt.

Yucky.

WAY too much green. Also reeeaalllllyyy not into her David Beckham hair.

1. Why is Solange Knowles at the Oscars? 2. Where is her body?

Will.i.am channeling Beetlejuice.

This bid Zendaya has been at every awards show this season looking terrible and I would like an explanation. How does a Disney channel star get to attend everything and bomb the red carpet every single time?

Real Talk: This dress is not doing her any favors.

Again, not doing any favors. I know she’s skinny AF but she looks wide here.

Meh.

Best Dressed:

I almost put Reese on the worst dressed list simply because I think this was her worst look this season. But then I decided to stop being a B…she still looks good I guess.

Hawtest couple of the night. Suits on point.

Although this is a side shot, JLo’s boobs were OBVIOUSLY out to play. Yeah yeah she always looks young and hot and great. Blah, blah. She wore the same exact dress all season. Yawn.

This photo only made the list because Mark Ruffalo’s wife looks great but check out that stank face. Girl is ABOVE this red carpet bullshit.

America looks GREAT and it’s a color no one else wore, props.

Can’t resist that sparkle on Anna Faris.

Wittle baby Ansel crushing his first Oscars.

I’m a sucker for a turquoise necklace.

One of my fave couples bringing it as always.

Jessica Chastain getting boobalicious but not over the top (JLo, take notes.)

Cheryl Hines looking young and fresh in a sparkly one strap.

Chloe Grace Moretz in a princess ball gown.

Yum. Where’s his “best friend from home” Tara?

Damn, grl.

Could’ve dressed up the gym ponytail but whatevs I’ll throw her a bone for the dress.

David Oyelowo (still have to google that) always has a snazzy tux.

Edward looks plain but his wife is pulling that mermaid dress OFF.

Not my favorite from Emma, I mean her sparkle pantsuit DID win my best dressed of the night at the Globes, but not the worst either.

Almost won my favorite look of the night until Cin got all Joan Rivers on me and told me it wasn’t that great. Whatevs. I think this dress is cool and different.

Flower’s a little much but Gwen looks gr8.

Jamie Chung with a fireworks dress.

Jen is back in my good grace’s after some terrible looks this season. Ending on a high note.

Only yellow of the night!

UNCLE JESSE!!!

SUMMER’S HERE. Lara Spencer rockin that hot pink/turquoise combo.

I’m pretty sure Laura Dern is old as shit and she DOES NOT look like it here.

Lupita just knows how to red carpet it up.

This is mostly about Miles Teller’s hawt girlfriend bringing the heat.

SASS in the BACK.

Another one ending on a high note after a dicey awards season, Rosamund Pike.

Twist on the typical black gown.

Nance looks fab, I guess Steve does too.

Viola Davis in a flattering ball gown.

AK with coral and T’s (tastefully) out for the red carpet.

Didn’t she just pop out twins? Pregnancy Rack – Baby Bump= Bangin.

And finally my favorite look of the night and Best Dressed of the Oscars 2015 goes toooooooooo……

Margot Robbie, the australian smokeshow who is my age. I also look like this when I go out on the town, so whatevs.

Bonus: Other than a bunch of stupid questions and awkward what are you wearing’s, this happened on the red carpet, and it was adorbsies:

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I’m Lost Between Right and Wrong”

Last week was a real lull–even though they were reaching for the drama with Bev’s return it just wasn’t doing it for me. This week, however, sassy Rayna makes a comeback and it’s easily my favorite kind of Rayna. No more of this mopey mopey I’m famous as shit but my love life is a hot mess and I don’t know how to control my own children Rayna. This week, the bitch is back and she’s taking down slimeball Jeff Fordham. But let’s get the sobsies out of the way first.

In case you didn’t know…Deacon has liver cancer and it seems as though within a week’s time he has already turned into a walking corpse. That was real aggress, ABC. The hot doc won’t tell Deacon how much time he has so Deacon’s like FINE and storms out to go use The Google and see for himself. Tsk, tsk, Deacon didn’t anyone ever teach you not to EVER trust the internet as a medical source? Seriously, the amount of times I’ve used the symptom checker on WebMD to find out that my knee hurting was a brain tumor was enough for my mom to permanently block the website. Anyway, while surfing on the line he finds out that he has like one minute to live. He gets sad but then Maddie Face Times him and Scarlett forces him to stop being a baby bitch and talk to his daughter. Maddie doesn’t even seem to notice that Deacon looks like the Ghost of Nashville past, which seems like a real red flag to me, but she sets up a time to kick it with him and he hangs up and ugly cries. After he’s finished crying he draws up a will. Hey grim reaper, could you T it down a little? What did I tell you about writers killing off main characters? YOU’RE SAFE! Scarlett, chipper as can be, tries to tell Deacon that he’s not going to die so cut it out and he’s like yeah I’m already dead and I’m talking to you from beyond the grave. They both cry togets and it’s like I’m watching an episode of the Addams family with this shit.

Right as I’m about to take a razor to my wrists, Maddie comes over for her guitar lesson. Deacon still looks like he belongs in a body bag and he tells Maddie that maybe she should think about getting a new guitar teacher because dead people can’t teach guitar. Maddie, always subtle about her feelings, shouts I WILL NOT. YOU’RE FREAKIN DEACON CLAYBOURNE, AND YOU’RE MY DAD. Then she throws a tantrum over learning a chord progression on the guitar and Deacon’s talks her down from the musical suicide ledge and she sings it out and suddenly Deacon believes he’s going to live and he’s SO done with being a Debbie Downer. Thank God.

In further desperate attempts to give Scarlett a relevance to this show ever since she quit the biz, she goes OFF on hot doc for not giving her and Deacon the answers they need. He flirtatiously talks about lattes with her then calls her a happy bully and tells her to stop suffocating Deacon with the fuzzy you’re gonna live forever wuzzies. They flirt some more and I’d like to take this time to quote myself from February 5th when we first met Dr. Sexy and I predicted that they would hook him up with someone. Ding ding dingggg that didn’t take long. Hey Scar, I know your uncle’s dying but maybe wait until after the all clear to hook up with his doc.

Scarlett might not be hooking up just yet, but her ex boyf and his buddies are quick to pick up the slack on casual sex this week. Gunnar’s real messed up about having a fake son for a few weeks and then losing custody, Luke returns from boozy touring with his broken heart, and Will is still REAL closeted so BOYS NIGHT OUT! They troll the clubs of Nashville like they’re on the Jersey Shore and hope on some real grenades. Gunnar pulls the public make out with a club rat, Luke takes one home and Will strong arms a chick who tries to make out with him. The morning after the boys recap the night hung over, like girls do after wine night and Will is like OK it’s confession time, I’m not really into banging random girls anymore. And Luke’s like I get it, I’m also ~~gay~~ sensitive. Will’s closet is still padlocked shut. Gunnar and Luke have a jam sesh and I stand by the fact that post-Rayna Luke is all sorts of awesome. He sings a ballad that’s obviously about her but the song is amAHzing. Luke and Gunnar are sad togets cause they both have broken hearts. New and improved Luke tells Gunnar to write a song about it like he did when he suddenly starting making good music. He says, “Your first love sleeps with your brother, Gunnar it doesn’t get any more country than that.” So much wisdom.

Alright, the moment we’ve been waiting for, Rayna’s about to take us all to CHURCH. Obviously after Teddy sly dog signed his fifteen year old daughter up for an ole record deal, we knew shit was gonna hit the fan. I didn’t predict how much of a baby bitch Teddy would be about it though and it gave me pure joy to watch. Jeff sends Rayna a diamond necklace for Maddie, welcoming her to Edgehill. (Genuine question-do we think that’s the first time Jeff’s ever purchased jewelry for a woman? His first diamond buy is for a fifteen year old, niiiiice Jeffy.) Rayna marches on over to Jeff’s office and is like ohhhh helll nawwww, GUITAR RIFF.

The Rayna of Terror (get it?) continues in Teddy’s office when she’s like hey asshole you signed our daughter to a record label? And Teddy’s like I’ve been meaning to tell you about that, NBD but KBD. They fight about whose the better parent (real talk: they both kinda suck) and Rayna hits up the legal team next. She comes back at Teddy guns blazin with the threat to strip him of his parental rights because he’s not even Maddie’s biological father. LAWYERED. Teddy folds like a house of cards and blubbers out his whole trashy sordid tale of prostitutes drugs and sleazy best friends. Ray looks at him with disgust like he’s sitting in his own steaming pile of shit when he offers to help and says you’ve done enough. I’ll clean up your sticky mess because you couldn’t keep it in your pants around a prosty.

With that, Rayna pins her hair up in a real ambiguous top bun that is the only thing I don’t love about her this episode, and storms into Fordham’s board meeting with the record company chairman. Jeff is lapping up the chairman’s interest in Maddie’s music and promises that she will absolutely be their cash cow and Rayna proceeds to blow Jeff’s shit WIDE open. As innocent as can be she’s like I’m sure you’d be interested to know that Jeff Fordham abuses his female clients, check the footage of his pool on December 12th, tralala. And Mr. Chairman says the contract never existed as far as he’s concerned. Rayna shines her nails, flips her hair and PEACES. When Teddy comes to see her later she tells him I’ll be taking our daughters back for now, maybe you should go to sex therapy and also get the F out of my office. And BAM. That’s how it’s done. Take notes, cause Rayna just verbally knocked Teddy down and then dug her cowboy boot heel into his dick while simultaneously ousting Fordham from his greasy throne. All in a day’s work. BOOYAH.

Since I had to watch these I guess I will also make you read about them–the lame story lines from this week…

-FE FI FO FUM, Juliette continues to be the most insufferable and massive pregnant woman on this earth. She’s on bed rest because she can’t locate her feet and a remote gets lost in the wide abyss of her hands. She also calls Avery 100 times while he’s at the studio to tell him everything she’s eaten that day.

-I’m over Sadie Stone. I think she’s a Melvin and her story line is played out. There I said it. Her husband comes back and serves her with papers and then threatens to follow her wherever she goes until she gives him money. She cries about it a lot and is afraid then tells Avery all about her woes and he tries to defend her by yelling at Pete. When Pete starts to lunge at Avery, Sadie suddenly finds her girl power and is like GET OUTTA HERE YOU TURD. Then FEMINISM she’s SO ready to sing now. And her song suuuuucks. I expected to hear a sassy chick anthem and instead we get ANOTHER weepy song from her. Enough. Step it up or get outta here. I need another “Wrong Song” and I needed it last season.

-Layla is still kicking around unfortunately…she passed her psych eval, ugh. On the up side, she’s thinking about leaving and I can only hope she suffers the same swift cowboy boot to the ass that Zoey did. Jeff gives her false hope when he asks her to perform for the label chairman and then stiffs her because Rayna comes in and throws down. He shows up to her house to be like let me explain, I got fired and I would like a sympathy bang pls.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Surprise!”

The Extreme Fighting: Housewives edition has come to a screeching halt and I’m having severe withdrawals. Ya gotta let us down easy, Andy. This week’s episode went back to the boring ho hum of everyone getting along at social events and pairing off for peaceful hangouts. Yawn.

Yo still doesn’t know how to Face Time and also has Brandi over for more yoga with sexy yoga instructor Keith, who coincidentally also has the personality of a rock. Yolanda made Brandi do the 21 day cleanse with her because everyone was sick of her turning into Jenny from the Block every time she had a few cocktails. Yoli is so proud of her little girl for staying drink free that she announces it to Yoga Keith, who basically says who cares let’s get back to the silent workout I’m being paid for.

Everyone talks about the Kim & Kyle sitch except for Kim & Kyle, which is always really healthy. Lisa sits down with Kyle to hash it out as she sits atop her throne and twirls her reading specs. No but actually Lisa gives some really good advice when she tells Kyle to maybe not react so much when Brandi attacks her and try to understand that Kim’s treating her like a pile of dog shit because they’re sisters and she knows that relationship will always be there no matter what. Eileen on the other hand got herself directly involved when she tried to play family counselor at a high-end restaurant, which naturally progressed into an F-bomb fest. Eileen lunches with her hubs Vincent and talks about how maybe that wasn’t her best idea. Vin thinks the girls are making too much of it, proving again that he doesn’t understand how the housewives franchise works. Eileen doesn’t understand why these two nimrods don’t just see a therapist. I too, wonder that, Eileen. Vincent continues to be a bozo when they discuss the “screenplay table read” party that they’re having (ONLY IN BEVERLY HILLS) and Vincent insists they should serve drinks to get everyone loose enough to act. HEY VINCENT, do you not remember peering out of the window in your garage only to see a driveway full of women in stilettos beating each other? Is that still not engraved in your mind’s eye? Maybe Eileen’s right and this should probably be a dry party, as much as I hate to say it because that obviously means SNOOZE fest. Vincent and Eileen also get some scallops complimentary from the chef because they have cameras taping their lunch but they act like it’s because they’re celebrities, which is pretty hilarious.

Kyle & Kim and Rinna & Lisa carpool respectively to the table read, which just gives them an excuse to gossip. Rinna and Lisa talk about how Kim’s fallen off the wagon and there is absolutely NO way that Lisa will ever intervene in that again after sobriety attack #1 under the Eiffel Tower. Rinna’s like what’s the big deal, I could take Kim. Meanwhile Kim and Kyle pretend they’re Gucci now except for the fact that Kim says Brandi is really wretched sometimes but then she owns it so it’s okay and Kyle says maybe Brandi should STFU. Ho hum, just a loving sister chat.

At the party, Eileen is wearing overalls and a see through lace tank. Seriously, first the bucket hat and now the overalls? I’m not kidding about Mary Kate & Ashley circa the late 90’s being this chick’s style muse. Vincent’s bros are there and Kim tells a riveting story about the time she was a child actor and saw Betty Davis without her wig because she HID in her dressing room like a classified creep. This is why we can’t trust children. Whoa, where’d that come from? Just kidding. Sorta. LISA IS AN ACTRESS? WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS HER FACE? Rinna, who reminds us that she’s an actress daily, is side swept to the announcer role of the screenplay, yikes talk about your craft being dumped on. She’s in a room with two child actors who have been out of work since the 80’s and a music video star and she’s the narrator. Dem’s the breaks. It’s probably because she doesn’t even have an EMMY LIKE EILEEN DOES. Kim has a weird puppet role that suits her quite well and everyone slyly makes fun of this stupid poker puppet script in the same way they made fun of Eileen’s dumb space movie they were forced to watch in cheap polyester seats. The party ends with Lisa getting her hands on that Emmy and giving a touching speech about sleeping her way to the top. Also the girls act concerned for Kim and she cries about Monty and says Brandi is her BFF because they BBQ together and it gets her out of her house that smells like death.

The big event that brings the whole gang together, including GASP Kathy Hilton, who isn’t even a twat this episode, is Lisa’s surprise birthday party. Ken pulls it together and gives Brandi a call to invite her and also tell her to be on her best behavior, which of course means she can’t drink or speak, NBD. Lisa is 54, which means Ken is about to be put in a nursing home. Kim, the beloved Kathy Hilton, Brandi and her random guy friend who keeps popping up at inopportune times all ride to Lisa’s party together. Kathy doesn’t want to get in the middle of anything but she says it with a twinkle in her eye and a quick cackle. Obviously by her even riding in with that group she knows Kyle’s gonna go apeshit and she rubs her hands together in anticipation. Kathy also takes a dig at Brandi for not drinking with her at the party, what a firecracker that woman is, I tell ya. JK can we go back to episodes of her talking down to Kim and Kyle now in her I’m more rich and famous than either of you will ever be manner? Ken tries to get Lisa to Pump for her surprise party and she’s being a real bitch about it telling him she can’t be bothered with an extra stop on the way to dinner.

He drags her into the restaurant and her friends shoot up from the bar and I’m pretty sure Lisa shits her pants, which was everything I ever needed to see. Lance Bass is here. I know that because they show him a bunch of times and also add his name as IF we don’t know who he is. So much star power, one gay club. Lisa tries to start unnecessary drama with Brandi but because Brandi’s sober she’s like k whatever, which I think is more shocking than her replying with I’ll punch you square in your teeth holder. Brandi goes to the bathroom and Lisa’s gets on the mic for a toast and is all knock knock (who’s there?) IT’S THAT BITCH BRANDI WHO I HATE. And no one laughs and she has to be like I’m kidddddinnngg dahlingsssss, take a joke. Then she goes over and rips a flower out of Brandi’s head and tells her she must sing a song about how much she loves her cause it’s her birthday after all. I’m getting the vibe that Lisa’s the kind of gal who has a birthday month and anyone who doesn’t attend every event is dead to her. Brandi accepts the hazing and sings that she loves Lisa in a real ear-shattering voice and everyone laughs at her, not with her. Then Lisa gets her hands on that mic and doesn’t let go, crooning some jazz song and forcing others to join her and suck her D via melody. If I was at this party I would’ve bounced the second the singing began because it is ROUGH. It’s like when the drunk girls start to get weepy, time to bizounce. And in the end Lisa gets a massive pink diamond that she previously tried on and Ken takes a lot of heat for having THE NERVE to invite Brandi. No drinks are thrown, no F-bombs screeched, and certainly no bracelets scratching. SURPRISE-This party’s a dud, even Kim thought so as she dodged half-assed interventions all night, obviously just warming up for the big one next week. Here’s hoping that turns into a real doozy or else we’re done for this season now that everyone’s sobering up.

Notable Moments:

-Brandi calling Rinna, Kyle and Lisa sing/slobbering all over each other the “Menopause mamas fighting for the mic.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-Eileen points out that these women can talk about their vaginas till the cows come home. Pretty accurate and something I’ve become quite immune to.

-Yo is throwing a party next week and she’s making Dream Team tee’s, allowing us to gloriously flashback to the days when she had a long slicked back mane and put hearts on certain place cards. Ah the dream team days ❤ Things were much simpler then.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Home Is Where The Wild Mustang Is (Part 2)

We pick up where we left off on Sunday night, in Iowa with a bunch of hostile women pretending to picture themselves living in the most boring town in America where they would always smell like cow shit. Chris kicks it with Becca while the girls trash talk as per usual. Chris tries to woo Becca by telling her even though this isn’t some fancy place like Italy or Belgium; it’s still SO great. Hard sell, Chris. Becca reveals that she has never been in love and also her last relationship was 4 years. I find that pretty weird, but who am I to judge…Just kidding, Becca is honest and far from fake in their open conversation and she’s probably my favorite on this show. They seal the deal with some sunset kisses and you can see Britt sneaking out from the corner to Instagram the Iowa sunset for her new account “I ❤ Iowa.”

It’s cocktail party time, but before the girls can paint their faces on (quite literally), Britt reveals that she’s so hurt over Chris not rose-ing her that she’s going to pack her shit and bid farewell at the cocktail party. Carly calls her bluff because she hates her with a fiery flame of passion and Britt’s like hey everyone CTFD, I don’t want to upset you, I love you girls FOREVA. In a shocking turn of events, there is no cocktail party and therefore no time for Jade to talk about her naked past or Britt to beg Chris to beg her to stay.

Chris starts his queer speech about making the tough decisions and Britt cuts in to ask if they can just have a real quick chat. She apologizes for putting him in an awk position when she word gommicked all over him. Chris looks like he smells an onion burp, which is pretty typical for his listening face. Then Britt turns it on him and asks what he has to say to her, AKA time to beg her to stay. He doesn’t want a wife who lies a lot, I guess, because he tells Britt to take her free hugs and kisses and give them to someone else. Britt drapes her body on the curb and scream sobs outside to remind every one what it was like to live with KardASHLEY. Carly gets all mean girl in her aside with an evil laugh and a glass full of Britt’s tears. Britt cries into the camera something along the lines of; I thought Carly was my friend even though she was constantly insulting me to my face waaaahhhhh.

Chris comes back with a stern look to announce that he kicked Britt to the curb, literally because her sobs can still be heard from the curb in which she lies. I’m here to find forever, LADIES…is what he announces before he roses Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca and Jade. Carly doesn’t get a rose. She’s surprised, eternally of course. Her heart is completely broken and she’s sad ALL the time so it’s good to see that she’s not taking this too hard. She also shouts, “WHATS WRONG WITH ME?” and I have to cover my eyes because this is so sad and embarrassing. Realistically, she kinda set herself up for failure when she made a hand puppet of Britt complete with lipstick.

Becca- Shreveport, Louisiana

Becca gives Chris a canoe pep talk, but still doesn’t reveal that she’s a viiiiirgin. Although after this visit it wouldn’t be out of left field for Chris to guess. Becca’s family announces ad nauseum that they’ve never seen her near a guy and how truly weird it is that she even knows how to talk to the opposite gender. Becca’s sis sits down with Chris and lays down a real impressive cock block when she tells him that Becca doesn’t like touching or kissing or any of that nonsense. If this were my sister we would have a murder on our hands for how bad she makes Becca sound to her potential husband. Mom adds on to this by telling Chris it’s shocking to see that Becca and Chris hold hands. Our only remaining virgin decides to trap Chris in a fantasy suite before telling him she’s not going to bone until marriage, and I for one can’t wait to see that go down. (No seriously, SOMETHING’S gonna go down when she breaks that news…Get it guys? A boner deflating joke. Not funny? K never mind.) Annnyyyway, at the end of their home visit, Chris surprises Becca with a trip to the State Fair and a private Ferris wheel ride, which is a pretty cute idea. I’ll give him that. They can never top Marissa and Ryan’s Ferris wheel kiss though. Don’t try to knock the champs from the top of the wheel, Chris.

Whitney- Chicago, IL

First stop in Whit’s town=her work, womp womppppp. “Let’s make a baby!” she tells Chris in her shrillest tone imaginable. He shadows her at work and they both wear scrubs and then Whit tricks Chris into J’ing it into a cup so she can test his sperm. He basically grabs the Playboy (which issue, I wonder?) and shoos her out. Not before Whitney can be like GOTCHA, LOLZ, Please don’t masturbate at my place of employment!!! HAHA. Side note: How does Whitney have a real job and also was able to leave for months of filming a TV show? Where do I also find a job like that?

They go to meet Whitney’s family after and Chris wants to ask Whitney’s sister for permission to propose. (PS Whitney’s mint necklace is on point.) Whitney’s sister, Kimberly is looking pretty judgey. She’s all, “you don’t need my approval to do what you want, you’re a grown woman.” And Whitney is upset that she’s not jumping for joy. The sassternaut sister tells Chris to his face that he can call her and ask again when he’s not dating four women at once. Point: Whitney’s Sis. In the end, Whitney wants to open a bottle of wine she was saving for her love. She gets sobby and says she’s absolutely fallen in life with him. Hearts are aflutter at the first real intense declaration of love.

Kaitlyn-Arizona/Canada?

Kaitlyn, always the fun party gal brings Chris to a recording studio first, to write a rap. Obviously Kaitlyn crushes her verses, my favorite was: “I hope that all you noticed was my knockout dress.” Chris jumps in for his verses and has absolutely NO FLOW. Andy Milonakis is a better rapper than Chris and he used to rap about mouse dicks. True story. Seriously bro are you good at anything other than growing corn?

They go to dinner with the whole fam and sit around a classy fire pit table. Kaitlyn chats with her super glam mom about how she could potentially fall in love with Chris. Right now though, she only hearts him, whereas Whitney looooves him. Mom ACTUALLY sees a twinkle in Kaitlyn’s eye, or she’s had one too many glasses of Chard, either way. Kait’s mom doesn’t even want to talk to Chris, so that’s awk that she hates him or something. At the end Kaitlyn surprises Chris with a billboard she made that says Kaitlyn ❤ Chris like she just signed his yearbook. It’s pretty lameskis.

Jade-Nebraska

Here we are. The big reveal. Chris and Jade’s dad sit down togets and her dad tells Chris she’s a real pistol and most boys can’t handle his daughter. (I’m assuming he found this out when his co-workers were taking her issue of playboy into the bathroom with them.) Her brothers talk about her aspiring modeling career and give us the line of the night when they call her a wild mustang. They also call her a free spirit. Basically Jade’s whole family is trying to warn Chris that she’s a loose goose in the nicest way possible. That perplexes him of course. The brothers basically tell Chris to not to try to tame Jade, which makes me think maaaaybe she won’t fit into his Arlington lifestyle. Dad gives Jade a tearful pep talk about following her heart but WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE CONFESSION…

Finally Jade and Chris return to his hotel and she reiterates that she’s such a free spirit. Is that code for a little bit slutty now? I can’t keep up with the slang these days. Anyway, there’s a long stare and finally she’s like well I guess it’s time for me to bring this up because the producers told me to…Apparently when she moved from Nebraska to LA she was feeling really liberated and didn’t say no to anything. I didn’t exaggerate that, she actually said that she wouldn’t say no. There’s a lot of talking in circles and she eventually spits it out and immediately goes I could show you some photos! As she says that she lays her hands out in front of her like she’s holding out her baby’s first photo album and not opening up the spank bank of 13-year-old boys across America. Chris is like if that will make you feel more comfortable I won’t argue checking out some nudes. But then he’s pretttyyy uncomfy looking at Jade’s snatch with her gauging his reaction. He obviously has a weird boner from it. ABC doesn’t let us see any of them, what a bunch of squares. Anyway she’s embarrassed or nervous or whatever and Chris reassures her everything’s kosh even though everyone in America can see she’s outta here.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses-Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca

See YA nudie magazine girl! Jade’s wearing a one-sleeve dress, which pretty much makes her defeat that much worse. Chris says goodbye to her and she shivers because her left arm is exposed. He tells her, things have moved faster with the other girls and that’s all there is to it, WINK. No seriously, Chris winked. It may have been a nervous twitch but we all saw that he was sneaky telling us she got cut cause Playboy. He wipes tears from his eyes as he waves goodbye to Jade’s limo fading into the night. I can only imagine what’s going through his mind; my first guess is “This was really hard.”

Best Quotes from Dum Dum Chris:

“I make corn. I can’t imagine what it would be like to make babies.”-Chris needs to go back to 6^th grade health class.

“I’m pretty confident my soulesers are marching.”-Lulzzzz a little sperm pun for the perpetually immature (Me.)

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Arlington, Iowa. Anyone? Anyone? (Part 1)

This week The Bachelor decided to inundate it’s viewers with many extra hours of blubbering dum dums. And for that reason these recaps are delayed. This is the recap for Sunday night’s episode (discluding the tell-all that in reality told nothing) and hopefully Monday night’s episode recap will be up tomorrow SO NO SPOILERS, GUYZ.

Since we now have a trend of moving the rose ceremony to the next episode, Chris comes back from the Badlands with only a few puncture wounds from KardASHLEY and Kelsey. The girls cheer his victory over them and he severely downplays how sob city KardASHLEY was. Then Megan takes Chris aside before rose time and blubbers out many sentences that aren’t coherent. Basically she wants to know why she’s not a frontrunner and Chris says hey this is really hard, and she says ok thank youuu, bye. Chris REALLY lays it on thick and goes back to talk to the other girls about JUST how painful that was for him. Then says it 10 more times for good measure. ADD PAINFUL TO THE DRINKING GAME, THANKS CHRIS. He takes C.Harrison aside to tell him that this is just too painful to do and he would like to marry all of these women if that’s cool. Instead everyone gets to go to Iowa and no one gets sent home (except Helmet Megan), so HA HA the joke’s on all of you because you’re actually being punished either way.

Jade Visits Arlington

Chris talks to the cows and asks them if there’s a chance he convinces any of these betches to move to a farm. The cows ask why Chris hasn’t done pushups on haystacks yet. Good point, cows. Jade’s on her way into Arlington and she’s from a small town, so she knows how boring they are. She also did a girl next door spread in Playboy, so she knows what farm girls wear: nothing, duh. Chris shows Jade all of the vacant buildings and tumbleweeds of downtown Arlington. There are 0.0 bars in the entire city. I repeat, THERE ARE NO BARS IN ARLINGTON. I respect Jade for not kicking rocks right then. Jade tells the camera that she genuinely feels bad Chris even lives there, which I’m sure is comforting to him. At night they hit up the high school football game cause WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO? Jade meets the parents and they think she’s a lovely princess and not a softcore porn star. Then Chris & Jade sneak into his English classroom and it’s SO REBELLIOUS that the camera crew got permission to film there. Jade talks about how she’s a good girl and she works hard for everything and definitely didn’t show off her T&A to the general public or anything. They kiss in the middle of the football field to the sound of about ten screaming fans. The final moment is a Breakfast Club freeze frame of Chris and his gal and it’s just so poetic that I almost forget Jade is hiding Playboys underneath her bed from him.

Back at the house, Jade tells everyone about their football field kiss and Britt starts crying and makes it all about herself. Carly really amps up her weird cartoon voices and also decides to bring the leftovers (Becca, Britt and Kaitlyn) on a road trip to Arlington without Chris. They don’t understand that cow manure smells like farts, but they learn pretty quickly. Kaitlyn is dressed for a small town visit in a crop top, of course. They ask the pastor where he goes to drink and stuff. Good work, girls. He informs them that any human life is usually about an hour outside of the “city”. Britt was like hey this place blows I cannot ever live here, but then an Instagram-worthy sunset completely changed her mind cause she’d probably get lots of likes if she grammed the landscape out there every day. Carly continues to hate every single thing about Britt.

Let’s Look for Love in Des Moines-Whitney

Whitney and Chris go to an art museum with pictures of love because Des Moines is known for its art and culture. Also they’re going to document their love as well!! They take a lot of kissing selfies and also force other people to take pictures of them sucking face. Whitney wants to show these slobber fest photos to her kids one day. Hey Whit, I’m guessing your kids aren’t gonna wanna see their parents play tonsil hockey all over Des Moines. Chris’s BFFS show up to dinner with Whitney and apparently Chris hangs out with three avid Dr. Phil fans. They get super serious and ask some real hard-hitting questions about her feelings and if she’ll subject herself to living in this stinktown. The BFF’s stamp her with approval and leave. Whitney wants to tell Chris before he visits her home that her mom passed away and she doesn’t have a relationship with her dad. The way that she tells this story is 90000x more genuine than the sordid tale of Sanderson Poe. She’s like real talk: I’m an orphan but I don’t want your sympathy. And the best part about it is I believe her, because she’s not turning it into a four act play. In the end, Chris surprised Whitney with one of their pictures as a mural on the side of the building. It’s cute and then Chris’s laugh overflows my ears and Whitney’s already piercing voice gets even higher than normal. The cute moment was pretty fleeting. When she asks if that’s going to be there forever they show it again and it looks like a poster that’s been taped up, so maybe it’s not a forever mural.

Things get real dramats back at the hotel or wherever the hell they put these girls in Iowa when Jade reveals to Carly because they’re “so close” that she did nude “modeling” for Playboy. Fun fact: Jade’s dad found out from his co-workers and IS HE STILL ALIVE?! Cause I’m gonna guess if my dad’s co-workers were passing around pics of my vag at work things would get REAL suicidal.

“Icey our future together” with Britt, Carly & Kaitlyn

The girls get the date card and try to guess if they’ll be Ice skating. They think really hard about the clue. Britt puts on a real show about how she’s terrible at it. Carly continues to charge the hate train full steam ahead and calls her out for saying she’s bad at EVERYTHING and being a big fake fakerson. Then Carly has a REAL weird period of time where she puts lipstick on her hand and pretends her hand is Britt. I wish I was making this up. The date is at an indoor rink and they play a quick game of pickup hockey and Chris skates just about as poorly as he sings. Britt wraps her legs around him when she greets him and NEEDS confirmation that he’s obsessed with her. She obviously tells him that Arlington is perfect and she can’t see herself waking up with lipstick on anywhere else. Carly promptly narc’s on Britt being a liar who tells lies BECAUSE SHE CARES about Chris’s feelings, guys.

Later they have drinks and sit down one on one…again. Britt just wants Chris to WANT to come to her hometown and eat chicken nuggets off of paper plates. She reiterates that all she wants is to be a mom, no matter what shitty town she’s forced to live in. Kaitlyn is concerned that everyone else is getting more time for connections than her but she’s genuine about it and doesn’t hop all over Chris’s dick like Britt does. She gets the rose. They kiss. (Does Chris wipe off Britt’s lipstick between takes? Can the girls taste each other via Chris’s mouth? I still have so many questions about his BTB makeouts every single date.) Anyway, Britt clearly doesn’t take this rose action well and has a breakdown in front of everyone. She word vomits all her feels and it’s real cringeworthy. Chris handles it about as well as he handles any confrontational sitch, by saying this was a tough decision and he PEACES. The three of them wah-wah about how they’re not getting enough validation and pretending they don’t hate each other’s guts. We have another cliff hanger rose ceremony so we will soon find out (you all probably already know) if Britt will be showing him around the restaurant she works at or if Jade will be opening the sticky pages of her Playboy for a little popcorn reading. Stay Tuned for Part 2.

Best Quotes:

“So much corn. Dirt road. Wild grass.”-Jade describing Iowa and if I close my eyes I can really see it. She painted a picture with her descriptive words here.

“Land is one of my passions. I like owning it and working it.”-Chris sharing how the earth turns him on.

“Hey mom, don’t Google my wife.”-Carly predicting what Chris will have to say should he choose the “nude model”.

The Salty Ju

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