Another week, another episode where Rayna runs shit and everyone else is circling the drain. I’m going to try something new this time around mostly because it pains me to have to type out sentences like, “this week Scarlett brought hot doc a latte.” We’re going to break it down by stuck in a rut story lines vs. story lines that will eventually go somewhere but not for another 3 weeks/the last five minutes of the season finale.

Stuck in the Snoozies:

-Luke pairs Will up with a notoriously gay writer to work on some new songs and Will peers out of the closet just long enough to say, “The last thing I need is someone to see me around town with some swishy gay dude.” SRSLY? When they finally write together, Will acts like a REAL secretly gay douchenozzle. Eventually they bang out a song together and here we are again in a cycle of Will tormenting himself which will eventually lead to a secret hookup and more tormenting. I’m not one to normally start a “JUMP” chant when someone’s on a ledge but seriously dude…JUMP.

Rut Factor: Infinity

-Juliette doesn’t even appear in this episode leading me to believe she’s outskis until she pops that superstar out of her hoo-ha. Unfortunately they still feel the need to pretend she’s actually around by telling everyone she has insomnia and keeping Avery awake. This leads to a very cringe worthy scene where Gunnar shows up unannounced and Avery almost slices his throat because HE WAS NOISY and could’ve woken up the sleeping bear in hibernation that is his wife and might attack.

Rut Factor: Full until the pregnancy is over

-Sadie is doing press for the new album and GMA wants to ask her about her deadbeat ex hubs and his lawsuit. After crying about it a whole lot and calling Rayna to cry about it some more, she finally reveals to Robin Roberts that he was abusive and she’s not going to stay quiet about it anymore. Yawn yawn yawn. This story line was interesting for one single week. If she doesn’t get something else going for her soon I would like to see her get a one way bus ticket to the island of dead end characters so she can grab a marg with Zoey, Tandy, and Kiley and talk about how predictable and boring their lives are.

Rut Factor: 100. No more Sadie Stone please.

-Scarlett goes on a date with Hot Doc, he takes her to a fancy restaurant and orders a classy bottle of wine. Scarlett is the hick to Doc’s city boy. He’s from the Upper East Side and she’s from Miss-ippi. No really, that’s actually how she pronounced it…since when did she become Brandi-Lynn from Podunk, Population: No Teeth? Then she recites everything she’s been readin’ from the journal of meddy-sin and hot doc is like this date blows let’s shake hands and part ways. Scarlett later apologizes with coffee (enough with the coffee shtick) and serenades him at her gig and they seal it with a smooch.

Rut Factor: 10. This relationship is just buying time for Scarlett and will end in roughly 2 weeks. Gurl needs her music back stat…(see “wait for it” for future action on that.)

-Deacon is still DYING, guys. Dying. Dead soon. It’s interesting how he only had like 2 weeks to live and I feel like we’ve been watching him die for months.

Rut Factor: Maximum. He’s not going to die. Enough with these shenanigans and his general Eeyore act.

Wait for It…:

-The band formerly known as Zoey’s meal ticket fully reunites and they even get a gig opening for Rascal Flatts. The BIG drama is that they still don’t have a name. After Gunnar takes it WAY too seriously (because this is his only shot at actually singing in front of people) they shout a lot of stupid words trying to find the right one and then hot doc calls them the Exes and boom they’re now the Triple X’s because they’ve all swapped fluids at one point or another. Speaking of swapping fluids, Gunnar is clearly still in love with Scarlett because when she kisses Dr Hottie (I’m seriously not bothering to learn his name) he stares at her like a reaaaal creep. Obviously this puts them in the “wait for it” category because they’ll draw this out for several weeks until eventually they recycle the Scunnar (ew..we’ll work on that) love story.

Time stamp: Finale= Scunnar Reunion

-Layla and Fordham are still doing the dirty, this time on her kitchen counter because nothing gets them fired up like a fight over music labels. Fordham tells her she’s fat and shit because he’s not her boyfriend, he’s her manager so it’s totes kosh. They work together deviously to sneaky release a single for Layla on iTunes which ends up working out for her professionally but these two togets is a ticking time bomb, which lands them in this category. Layla is trying to be coy and cute and say she doesn’t want to be seen in public with Jeff because everyone hates him.

Time Stamp: A moment’s notice before these two explosively unravel.

-Creepy Teddy avoids his prosty all week until she shows up at Rayna’s 10 year Opry concert and tells him there’s a van outside her house and they’re both SCREWED so HA. Teach him to start answering her calls! This has gone on far too long, I better see a salacious headline soon.

Time Stamp: 2 episodes

-The incest couple of Colt and Maddie LIVES ON. Colt wants to see Maddie perform at the Opry and is all Wheels Up dad, you’re coming too! Luke wants to slit his wrists watching Rayna and Deacon but he does it just so his son can get a little tail. Respect. While Rayna and Deacon duet onstage, Colt and Maddie gaze into each other’s eyes stage left because their love is also like the moon, except more incesty. Colt decides he’d like to move home to be close to his dad AKA be close to his almost-sister for some romancing.

Time Stamp: These two are HEATING up, more action to come!

-The Rayna and Deacon love story is at a rut always… but by the end of this episode is progressing into movement, to the funeral parlor. After Maddie tries to play matchmaker like a little weirdo, Rayna finally calls Deacon and is like HEY, it’s ME! And Deacon’s like oh uh I know your name comes up on my phone so uhhhhh mystery solved. HAHAHAHAHA Be. More. Awkward. Anyway Deacon is invited to hit the stage with his fam squad for Rayna’s big show at the Opry. He shows up, plays guitar with the girls and THEN Rayna grabs Deacon’s hand and asks him to sing with her and Maddie witnesses and clearly needs to change her undies. They sing a terrible duet that I wish I didn’t have to sit painfully through but the people in the audience are clearly digging it as they passionately sway their heads and cry like it was “Glory” at the Oscars or something. Deacon promptly bows and Irish goodbye’s that shit right quick. He’s gotta go to heaven now. Just kidding he went to his secret cabin and Rayna shows up, tells him not to leave her anymore and he FINALLY says he’s a dead man walking and she slaps him silly then hugs him. Gawd I hate that cliché slap-hug. If I ever slap anyone then expect him to embrace me with open arms please cut my hands off because I should not have that privilege any longer.

Time Stamp: These two better get one bang in before Deacon kicks rocks. Just kidding this will obviously drag out until the finale.