RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Amster-Damn!”

rhobh

As you recall, last week we left off with the ladies arriving in Yo’s home country and immediately giving Americans a bad name. Although I would like to tell you that they shaped up and did ‘Murica proud, unfortunately I cannot. I started to nod off as we saw everyone show off their extravagant hotel suites and talk about how they slept the night before. Then Kim chooses to verbally shit in Rinna’s mouth during public lunch/dinner and I woke the F up. You start an episode with a near choking incident and you HAVE my full attention. Good work.

Let’s take it from the top. While everyone is dining togets, Yo finds it to be an opportune moment to bring up Bella’s DUI for the hundredth time and just lay it out there how painful that was to go through and also slyly point out that nobody at this table is perfect. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Rinna starts to get emotional and reveals that when she was 6 her sister died of a drug/alcohol overdose and she’s never really dealt with it. (For the record, that now puts Rinna at a 3 count for drug/alcohol related deaths in her family. WOOF.) Since Rinna is getting emotional she also wants to apologize to Kim for butting in. Kim doesn’t miss a beat to shut Rinna down and round one has begun. Kim goes OFF like her batteries were just replaced and she hasn’t had verbally abusive conflict in over 24 hrs, bitch is ready to go. She just raises her voice and jabs that finger around like it’s what she was put on this earth to do. She reminds everyone that she’s been sober 3 years (has it actually been that long?) and if there were any concerns HER friends and HER family would’ve said something to her. Rinna is fairly composed and still just defends that she cares about Kim.

OH REALLY? Kim viciously spouts, let’s talk about YOUR home life, Rinna! Eileen tries to jump to Rinna’s defense and Kim throws out a little something she learned from her new BFF Brandi, which is to tell Eileen to shut her F-ing mouth. She also ACTUALLY utters the sentence, “I’ve had enough of you, you beast.” SHE CALLS EILEEN A BEAST. I have essentially rolled off of my bed in fits of laughter at this point. Everyone is sitting there like this is a normal scream fest to have occur in a foreign public restaurant and the worst is still yet to come. Eileen’s reactions to Kim are outrageous, I literally feel like I’m watching Kristen DiMerra duke it out in Salem on Days of our Lives. The theatrics are starting to rub off on Kim who decides to reenact how Kyle hid behind her coat on the plane and acted like a real pussybitch. As if that impression wasn’t enough, Kim turns the knife in Kyle’s fake tit by shouting that Kathy Hilton (all hail the Queen) is actually the better sister and would never hide behind a jacket, she would jump in the ring and defend Kim, the spinning head. BOOOOOOM. Kathy wins again and she’s not even present to look displeased with everything.

DING DING. What are we at now? Round 3? Kim tells Rinna, “Why don’t you have a piece of bread and you’ll calm down a little?” Oh haallll noooo you didn’t just tell her to eat carbs. Then Kim takes a shot at Harry Hamlin and I’ve never seen a chokehold form faster across a dinner table. Rinna  comes out of a rage blackout and realizes she’s about to choke a bitch out on national television so instead throws her wine at Kim and shatters the wine glass off the table like a maniac. DON’T YOU EVA TOUCH MY HUSBAND she roars as she shakes from anger, picks up the glass shards and eats them like she’s the Grinch and that’s her regular diet. Just kidding, she doesn’t but she should’ve if she really wanted Kim to be afraid of her. Kyle darts outta there like the road runner in the desert. And it is GLORIOUS.

In the aftermath, essentially the whole group chooses Team Rinna because if you choose Team Kim you have to be Team Brandi too and no one wants a couple of fighting trash monsters on their team. There’s a whole lot of tears in the rain in an Amsterdam alley. Yo returns to the crime scene to hear Brandi complain about having glass in her skin, and Kim calm as a cucumber kicked back with her feet up on the public restaurant table, flipping her hair fancy free and funky fresh. Yo is like hey, Kim that wasn’t your best dinner. Brandi is quick to defend Kim because Rinna tried to choke her and THAT’S apparently not ok. Kyle is inconsolable and sobbing a lot and WHAT?! SHE’S MAKING SOMETHING ABOUT HERSELF? GET OUTTA HERE. She even needs captions because of her blubbering words about how no one even UNDERSTANDS what she goes through. The nearly upturned table in a quiet Amsterdam restaurant is left with no apologies or IOU’s for the broken wine glass, or their dignity.

Back at the hotel, Rinna says she never wants to speak to Kim again and she would also like to leave this country that has turned her into the Incredible Hulk. Eileen uses a whole lot of synonyms for disgusting to describe Kim and also cries because Kyle is crying? No, Eileen is crying because she won an Emmy for crying on TV and damnit if you all forget it! Rinna compares Kyle & Kim’s sister bond to an abusive relationship. I wonder what Kathy would think about all of this! No seriously, can we get her out to Amsterdam? Yo Brandi and Kim are suuupes concerned about picking shards of glass out of their hair. Kim tries to steal Eileen’s Emmy on pure talent when she does an impression of her yipping like a dog. I laughed out loud at it and I’m not embarrassed to admit it. Ms. Brandi is like whatevs guys, I’m just feeling #blessed that for once it wasn’t me who threw wine or a punch…As aggressive and despicable as this fight was, it’s solved within about 2 minutes the next morning when Kim goes to Rinna to apologize like a civil adult. BOOOOOOOOO.

Post-cage fighting match, apparently everything is hunky dory as the ladies mount up on bikes and explore Yo’s home countryside. The women make a real stink about not knowing how to straddle a Schwinn 10, which is shocking coming from this group of loose gooses. A disgusting bearded man living in a shoe, I mean, windmill, appears to greet the ladies and tell Yolanda that they used to date and make out a lot. This little confession probably had nothing to do with the camera crew there but regardless Yo was like I have no recollection of ever tongue-ing this hair monster, must be the Lyme disease brain erasing all of my sloppy Holland hookups. Lisa is quick to point out to Yo that this all could’ve been hers as she motions to his Keebler Elf windmill home. It’s times like these when I actually love Lisa.

As if stone cold sober fights in public aren’t enough, the ladies all decide that they should probably get high together in public at a coffee shop and everything will be dandy. I was against this wholeheartedly because I thought it would mellow the group out and make for boring TV, no worries though because it did the opposite. (PS Yo’s mom is a BADD bitch. She’s like yeah I’ve eaten a bunch of hash space cakes and never felt a thang. Drugs are old hat for her apparently.) At the coffee shop, Kyle acts like a real n00b. She sniffs the pot and  and Yo tells her she looks like a loser tourist and she’s bringing down the cool factor of the group. People are starting to stare and no one is even smashing wine glasses. Then Kyle’s like is this how you roll a J HAHA I’m dumb and don’t know about marijuana but I think I’m high from the second hand smoke in here. Leave it to Brandi to tell it like it is when she says Kyle stop acting like a pot virg, we’ve smoked together before. (Can we unearth some footage of that pls, Bravo?) And Kyle is like WTF BRANDI I HAVE KIDS. (FTR: all of these women have kids……) I would encourage every single one of these kids to tape this episode and stash it away for future use because my parents told me they’ve never tried pot once, so getting this shit on camera is REAL gold. Even though they consumed one bite of an edible each and applauded each other like a bunch of nerds, Kyle buzzkills the whole night when she says she’s getting paranoid because she’s OBVIOUSLY so high from secondhand and they all have to leave.

In the street, Brandi has a tantrum with lots of noises because everyone can call her an alcoholic but the minute she whispers something about someone else all hell breaks loose. Everyone kind of stares at her and then keeps walking, which completely sums up how I’m feeling. One big conflict per episode please, I can’t take any more of this. They’re all over the dramz and Brandi is most certainly over this dumb trip with a bunch of fake-weed-loving prisses. Next week tune in to see the slap heard round the world with Carmen Sandiego, I mean Lisa Vanderpump.

Best Quotes:

“I don’t think you need a dick in your mouth to put food in their mouths. Sorry, just saying.”-Lisa explaining prostitution in the red light district or talking about Brandi? JK, JK. Love the shit out of cable TV.

Lisa (on a real roll this week) talks about riding the bike being serious sexual stimulation. Real talk: have I been bike riding wrong my whole life?

Eileen as role model to all girls of America: “I decided to give in because I’m weak and succumb to peer pressure.”

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