Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Somebody Pick Up My Pieces”

Nashville-Season-3

Ok somebody’s gotta say it and you know I have no problem being the first. Nashville is in a RUT. There far too many Nashvillian’s this week that did things as interesting as watching bread get moldy. To put it nicely, I would’ve rather watched an hour of Will and Layla’s short-lived reality show “Love and Country”. Speaking of Will, he debuted a new song this week called “I’m On It” and the best part of the song was when he harmonized with another random guy. So he should probably do more of that. You know, stuff with guys. Obviously he’s still trapped in the closet R. Kelly style and did we ever actually think this story line would play out this long when it first debuted fifteen years ago (sorry it felt like fifteen, I guess it was technically last season).

Everything is going swimmingly in Nashville after Jeff is ousted from Edgehill until suddenly…we interrupt all of you country singers recording and self-promoting that your label just shit the bed and you should probably go back to working at the Bluebird Cafe for the rest of your lives. That’s right…EDGEHILL IS DEAD. GUITAR RIFF.

While a fifty year old record label burns to the ground from the match that Rayna lit (you go girl!), Layla is apparently still sexing it up with recently canned Jeff Fordham. Bro has basically moved in with her and is milking the downfall of his career for all that it’s worth. Layla grows a brain for a second and asks the Fordster if this is some sort of mid-life crisis and he’s like yeah probably but whatevz. And she says what everyone has been thinking, which is THIS IS WEIRD. Even weirder, they plot to buy the music catalog from Edgehill and branch off into their own label to become Nashville’s new power couple that is doomed from the start. They’re like we can do this and get our careers BACK. Instead of shaking on it they bang on it.

Fordham goes to Luke with the offer to start a new label–he’ll do the managing if Luke will dole out the cash money flow, so there’s absolutely no way this could go wrong. After Luke has a run-in with Rayna in the elevator (sadly no steamy ‘vator hookup ala Grey’s Anatomy although I was hoping for one to spice things up a bit) Luke’s hate for his ex-fiancé blinds him into calling Jeff and signing a deal with the devil. They want to poach Will Lexington first. Fordham in the most casual way ever is like hey maybe we need Layla Grant as well. And Luke basically tells him that’s the dumbest idea on this earth and maybe he should shut the hell up. Fordham’s like ehh ok sounds good. You put up a good fight there, Jeff.

In La-La Land while the big time label moguls are scrapping over a singer whose known more for his bedroom activity than his actual music (seriously, how many times have we heard Will sing?) Dr. Hottie gives Deacon the option to do a sketchy trial treatment that has only been tested on pigs in Nigeria instead of getting a healthy liver transplant. He also continues to spit real awkward game at Scarlett and talk about lattes. Scarlett boohoos about Deacon getting depressed again and cries to Gunnar who says, I have a brillz idea let’s get the band back together and forget the fact that Zoey-the-worst was ever on this show! Gunnar could also use a distraction because no matter where he is he pictures Micah that bastard child and thinks about his brother boinking his girlfriend. The band hits the Bluebird stage and sounds like a lost track from a Simon and Garfunkel record. Avery sings like a real creep for some reason, over-pronunciating his words and making weird faces. I no longer support this band reunion. After feeling great about singing again without a homeless man forcing her to, Scar goes back to Dr. Hottie and asks him in the most uncomfortable and awkward way possible if he would like to go out sometime. He accepts of course.

In aggressively pregnant, haven’t left the couch in 4 weeks land, Juliette is pezzzed that Us Weekly called her a big fat cow and she’s like is that really what I look like? Do you actually want us to answer that Julez? She has a Vogue photo shoot that was previously booked but now she’s self conscious and at the shoot, poses in a way that makes her look like she’s taking a dump. After another little meltdown with Avery she decides to pose nearly nude for Vogue and embrace her 15 months pregnant body. She shows Avery and he pops a boner and loves her even more.

Deacon gets sad again this week, and then angry because he’s dying, in case you haven’t heard. He goes into the studio to help Avery out with some guitar tracks and ends up trying to take over as producer and being a litttttle aggressive about it. He decides to turn down the trial of untested drugs smuggled from Mexico and just let God (or network producers) save him. He also apologizes to Avery for being a dick and seriously that’s all Deacon does this episode. Gonna need a cure (in the form of Rayna) REAL soon or I’m gonna start wishing they kill him off.

Speaking of killing off characters…Sadie confesses to Rayna all about Pete the deadbeat ex-husband whose extorting her for money. They have girl talk and Rayna is like come stay in my guest house because I’m rich. Then my favorite kind of Powerhouse Rayna comes back to play when she agrees to pay him off, faces him and says, “Maybe the good lord only gave you two inches, I don’t know. But if you ever come near my friend again I will make it my mission to ruin you and unlike you I actually have the power to do it.” BOO. YAH.

Rayna continues to climb atop her throne that reigns over Nashville by holding label tryouts to reboot and become top dog now that she took Edgehill down with one single hair flip. Layla shows up to the tryouts uninvited because Fordham doesn’t want her for his rogue label and he knows Rayna is a sucker for women. Artists go in and out of Ray’s office and  Layla continues to wait on the couch like a sad old cheeto stuck in between the cushions. Rayna wants to give Layla a chance because she knows that Fordham left her face down in a pool to die. Newly promoted Bucky disagrees and Ray pretty much stomped on his promotion when she said we’re not signing who you want to, it’s my way or the Highway (65). Layla accepts the pity offer and after Fordham comes home to tell her that Luke finally came to his senses and said please get outta here because everyone in Nashville hates you, Layla offers for him to be her manager. TRAIN. WRECK. comin atcha.

And finally, my favorite thing this week–watching Teddy in FULL panic mode about his secrets being exposed. Teddy calls Jeff once he hears of the label crash to ask him hey, we cool? Then after Fordz doesn’t return his calls Teddy sends  a SWAT team on him, all to cover his hooker-banging ass. Teddy catches up with Fordham talent scouting at the bar and he’s like kaaaay everything’s gr8 right? And Jeff says “Loose lips sink ships all the DAMN TIME!” Actually Taylor Swift sang that on her critically acclaimed album 1989, but Jeff is obviously a T. Swift fan because that can’t just be a coincidence to use that phrase. Teddy calls Loose Lips, I mean, his former paid girlfriend to make sure she doesn’t blab. That obviously wasn’t sufficient so he rolls up to her house instead and dun dun dunnnn it’s bugged and Teddy the moron falls into a very cliché political trap when he tells her to keep it under wraps and make up a story where he didn’t bang her and leave a wad of fifties afterward. BYE BYE TEDDY!! Hope you updated your rezzy cause you’re outta here!

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