We left off last night with C. Harrison telling Chad to straighten out the dramzies. I think my favorite part about soundtracking is that all an editor needs to do is add in some unsettling music and suddenly it looks like Chad is stalking in to smash skulls. Instead he approaches the bros and smoothes everything over (says he’s not doing anything wrong and tells everyone to agree with him) then goes outside to play with his noodle. Pool noodle, ya pervs. Because that’s right, it’s POOL PARTY TIME!!! JoJo’s like screw the cocktail party, I just wanted to get loose with my guys in a sloppy Vegas style pool party. They rip shots and the guys all pop boners and WOOOO when JoJo loses her crochet cover-up. Not to be a total Chad, but seriously, have these guys ever seen a hot chick in a bikini before? Fake-out one of the night comes when Evan dives into the pool and comes up with a bloody nose. Instead of shouting in a panic “EVAN YOU’RE BLEEDING!!!” like we were led to believe by the previews for tonight’s epi, JoJo’s like LOL you’re bleeding Evan. Ugh, you tricky tricky bastards. All I wanted was a Chad/Evan showdown. I would’ve settled for Evan just being pushed in the pool unexpectedly but noooooo. Evan makes a big show of declaring that he’s not afraid of Chad, which we all know, means he’s terrified and probably locks his door at night and gets panic attack nosebleeds whenever Chad is near.

In other news, JoJo cuddles right up to Jordan and confesses she’s scared of her chemistry with him. She then shoves her legs basically inside of him. Girl, you can’t get any closer unless he’s penetrating you. They thigh touch a whole lot and talk about how much they like each other. Jordan’s going to ‘splode if she keeps this up before the fantasy suites.

Rose Ceremony

Chase, Evan, James Tay, Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, Chad

I Like You Very Mush with Luke

ABC continues their streak of giving the ladies DIRT travel budgets and the first trip is Pennsylvania. PENN-SYL-FUCKING-VANIA. Sorry for the cursing, Dad. Not sorry for shitting on this trip. As Luke is leaving for his date, Vinny tells him, “We’ll miss you very mush.” GOOD ONE VINNY! I can tell why JoJo is keeping you around. Don’t ever lose that killer sense of humor!

Luke and JoJo take a dogsled ride into a random field, where, you guessed it! There’s a hot tub waiting for them. Except this isn’t a Ben Higgins model, plopped in a forest. This is a country wood-fired hot tub and Luke better get to choppin if they want to take a dip. I had high hopes that this would be a Win a Date with Tad Hamilton flashback but it was way underwhelming. Lose the shirt before the chop and we’ll talk.

The hot tub water looks like a murky swamp and yet they both strip down and can’t wait to become immersed in those diseases. JoJo in typical girl fashion demands that Luke make it really hot then burns her limbs off stepping into the tub. Hey JoJo, that’s what really hot feels like. A gent through and through, Luke dangles JoJo above the water until she stops being a baby bitch and can handle the temp. Swoooonnnn. Once in the water, Luke says in his slow ass voice, “Sometimes hot tubs are too hot.” And my swooning comes to an abrupt halt. JoJo climbs into his lap because girl is all about the lap sit. He probably pokes her with his boner but it goes away real quick when JoJo tells Luke he doesn’t look like a rugged man. What a dig. YIKES Luke, tell me those words won’t live with you for all of eternity.

JoJo makes up for it later when she asks Luke how he got so confident and sexay. She really goes for the hard-hitting Q’s. His best friend was killed in Afghanistan so it made him live life like his blood type, B Positive. Yeah it got real serious for a second so I felt the need to spice things up with a Timeflies lyric. Luke gets chills from looking into JoJo’s eyes. JoJo leaves a puddle on the seat probably and roses Luke.

But wait…there’s ONE MORE SURPRISE!!!! Is obviously live music. Dan + Shay need to promote their new album which conveniently dropped today so JoJo and Luke attend their concert and slow dance onstage. I use the term dance loosely because they spend the entire time onstage sucking face. If I bought tickets to that concert I would walk right out. Don’t force me to watch PDA. NOT UP IN HERE.

I’ve gone far too long without talking about Chad so let’s check in on his mental state. Oh no biggie, he’s tanning at the house while a bear wanders around a few feet away. METAPHORS. What season is it in PA though because we’ve got JoJo wearing her best fall outfits and snuggled in a blanket while Chad lays TOFTB in the hot sun. I’m so confused. Either way, don’t poke the Chad bear.

We Could Go All the Way with Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby

Big Ben (an alleged rapist) leads this date and by leads I mean he asks JoJo who her favorites are then laughs at them all from the stands as he uses those bear paws of his to slam Cheetos into his mouth. In our second fake-out of the night, James Tay gets a bloody injury from a basic football tackle. Womp Wommppp. He doesn’t want stitches because that means he’d have to leave the date, so instead he’d rather have an ace bandage around his ENTIRE HEAD for a scratch and blood dripping down his face. Quick tip for James Taylor: dried blood on a man’s face=Sahara Desert vag.

The boys suit up for the game and Evan takes prep for this game v seriously. He arranges his side bang to peek out of his headband as if he’s the lead singer of an emo band. Then slaps on just one eye black. Mid-game he gets another nosebleed of course—denies it—then declares he killed it when his team wins. Daddy’s a winner! He whispers to himself with a closed mouth smile as he sniffs the football, probably.

Later with the winning team, Robby tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and lays her out on the pool table after gingerly pushing the balls away for a makeout sesh. Robby’s gay, right? Like 100%? She tongues everyone in the room, including James’ open wound (gross) but Jordan gets the rose because he was passin those pigskins like an almost PRO today and also he took her by surprise and made her feel special. (Special is girl talk for W-E-T.)

Let’s Get Lost with Chad and Alex

Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and he’s not wrong. Seriously Alex is being all of those things. A bunch of grown men all sit on top of each other on an L shaped couch while Chad threatens to take them all outside. Again, no one goes outside. If this sounds like a repeat of Monday night’s group date fight, please know that it is.

The date is hiking and JoJo looks SO outdoorsy with that flannel tied around her waist. Alex airs his grievances about Chad. And there are A LOT OF THEM. One being the Jordan incident that morning, which Alex wasn’t even present for. Seems legit. JoJo immediately tells Chad all the dirt she just heard. Typs 2 on 1 date etiquette. Chad’s like didn’t you ever threaten to rip a girls leg off when you lived in the bachelor mansion? And JoJo is like no, not really. C’mon JoJo…don’t tell me you didn’t at least think about tossing Lauren’s torso into the ocean once you found out Ben loved her TOO?! Ugh, anyway JoJo needs to “think” about why she has such a thing for bad boys or something. Thinking turns into crying when JoJo muses that maybe Chad’s an asshole because he’s grieving his mom’s death. (Or maybe he’s just putting on his best performance to cut a movie deal? Jus sayin.)

Chad relishes his last few moments of fame when he tells Alex he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed with a sly smirk as he drinks milk lying down. Alex has a mini tantrum about how he thought they were going to be Marine besties and Chad’s like whatever, have a glass of milk, bruh. In the end JoJo tells Chad and his violent ways off and gives Lil Alex the rose. Alex has just landed himself on the hit list and the guys shoot off confetti at the news. But it’s not over. Chad whistles and stalks through the woods (all the way back to the house?) Yeah ok. TO BE CONTINUED in two weeks with probably nothing dramatic at all if we’ve learned anything from being tricked by these perfectly crafted previews. Seriously, guys. Don’t fall for it. Either way, I’d like to declare this season over the minute Chad leaves. Whether he’s escorted off or he just went back to the house to grab the extra meats he keeps in his bunk, Heavyweights style, I’m Team Chad through and through. Which when you think about it is strategic AF because I know for a fact Chad will never find me and beat my ass. Winner, Winner, Sweet Potato Dinner.

“If I don’t get this date card I’m gonna go cry in a corner by myself”

Let’s Get Physical with Chase

Since The Bachelor’s MO is tossing two people who don’t know each other into tantric workshops, welcome to hawt yoga with the guy who’s logged about 5 minutes total with JoJo. It starts with a bang when the yoga instructor asks how long JoJo and Chase have been intimate and they’re like COULD YOU DEFINE INTIMATE? Oh yeah we’ve never even kissed. So that’s a no. It’s fine though because it took my eyes no time at all to get intimate with Chase in those leggings. He’s got a droolworthy bod with a six pack to write home about. JoJo is feelin it too as she keeps telling the camera how chiseled Chase is. Then she straddles him for “a yoga position” called the “yim-yam” except it ends with them making out and touching each other’s naked bodies. While they were hardcore yimming each other’s yams, the yoga instructor magically disappears. What a wing woman. Girl knows what foreplay looks like and when to get the hell outta there. Side note that you may detect a scooch of jealousy in: JoJo’s perfect mermaid waves stay intact throughout this entire 110-degree workout and she couldn’t look fresher. WUTEVER.

Later, JoJo does that thing girls do when they want a guy to tell them they’re a bangpiece—she’s all I didn’t even look sexy today, I was so nervous! LoL. Chase doesn’t bite. Strike one. Then he talks about how his parents got divorced and marriage is a one-time deal for him. Does Chase know what show he’s on? The Bachelorette does not value marriage, Chase. Get out while you can. He gets rosed because JoJo’s “excited” about him. Read: her undies are soaked just thinking about getting her yam yimmed. Charles Kelly serenades them.

Love Has No Secrets with Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad

Upon receiving the group date card with fifty names on it, Chad says that he doesn’t even wanna go. He’d rather kick back and get his one on one later. The other gents aren’t loving this ‘tude and so starts a bro-off. Chad tells Evan to stop talking and calls Jordan a failure. Alex “try me bro’s” Chad and there’s a whole lot of staring.

The date turns out to be a Sex Talks live show. In other words, a show where people pay money to watch a woman walk onstage and proceed to make orgasm sounds. The bros are uncomfy and Vinny “has never heard sounds like that before.” Quick tip for Vinny, solve that line of hair parading across your forehead (you are a barber, after all) and you might have more chances to bring chicks to O-Town. The date takes a turn when the men are asked to participate. I was pretty terrified when we got a BTS peek at the process and Daniel was drawing a stick figure on his pad of paper. My predictions came true when he told a story about cutting a lock of hair with a knife from a girl he had tied up. REALLY ABC? YOU’RE GONNA SPLICE THAT SOUNDBYTE IN WITH NO EXPLANATION?! I can only assume the stick figure he drew was supposed to be a chalk outline of the girl he once raped and killed. Bet he carries that hair around in his pocket. His act got big laughs though so apparently I’m missing something here. It would be nice to know so I don’t have nightmares about the Damn Daniel guy scalping someone. (Or images of Nick the former Santa Claus practicing his alphabet tongue skills. Yuck.)

Anyway, I got carried away creating my own story because the truth is, there’s only one storyline here and his name is Chad. In fact, The Chadchelorette is now a thing. Evan has declared himself number one instigator this week with a routine solely focused on Chad’s steroid use. Lil Alex cheers him on from the crowd because someone smaller than him is taking on his battle. There’s a wrinkle in Evan’s plan when Chad tries to tear his shirt clean off his body. I cheered and then quickly waivered in my support for Chad when I saw that his tactic was to plant one on JoJo instead of telling a sex story. She cheeks him SO HARD and it’s cringeworthy to say the least. Evan’s feeling pretty giddy post-show for having almost been hung by his own v-neck but Chad is there to make him flinch and bring him back down to earth. Chad is also bleeding from his altercation with the stage door. But that’s neither here nor there.

At the night portion, we could talk about how Jordan dances around the fact that he probably (if Instagram has anything to say about it, definitely) cheated on his ex girlfriend and Alex weirdly tells JoJo that he’s ride or die. OR we could talk about how Chad sits approximately 1 foot away from JoJo and Nick and whistles a tune until they’re forced to move locations. We can also share a giggle about how Chad’s shirt rage really stemmed from a little movie theater pet peeve. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LET THE OTHER PERSON OUT OF THE ROW BEFORE YOU GO IN. If I had a nickel for every shirt I ripped when someone got up to go to the bathroom at Regal! Evan, still high off of his seriously unfunny standup act, demands an apology from Chad and a new shirt.

Chad werks that spin zone and by the end of this confrontation, I begin to believe that Evan’s actually the bully. Except he’s not a bully. He’s a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener. He declares to JoJo that if Chad stays, he will have to leave. As I begin to sing Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, HEYYYEYYYYYEYYY GOODBY—WHAT!??!?! EVAN GOT A ROSE?! I didn’t even need to scream at my TV because Chad does it for me when he asks JoJo “is this a real scenario right now?” Well?! ANSWER THE QUESTION JOJO. DID YOU REALLY JUST KEEP A SPAGHETTI STRAP TANKTOP WEARIN’ MAN WHO KISSED YOU, THEN WHISPER-SANG TO THE CAMERA IN A HIGH FALSETTO, “Boys guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!” Not only did Evan really stick to his guns there, but he also managed to creep the world out in about 30 seconds. Congrats you big weirdo.

Let’s Kick it Old School with James Taylor

Rrrrighttt, like we’re to believe that JoJo can drive a vintage whip without power steering. HOKAY. A lady whose easily 100 gives James Tay and JoJo swing dance lessons. James gets pretty sweaty. JoJo looks like an old Hollywood dream, of course. The “surprise” is that they dance with other swing dancers for one song. Cool. James is excited about everything. I’m excited for them to cut to Chad manhandling a sweet potato.

That night, JoJo is concerned because she likes James childlike wonder but doesn’t necessarily want to mount him. James reveals that his nickname in school was Luke Longneck (better than being compared to Squidward—amirite Grant?!) He feels like JoJo is out of his league…probably because she is. JoJo can’t reject him after that confession without looking like a real B, so he gets a rose. Since James is the guitar guy, he HAS to bust out the axe and sing a whiny original to JoJo. Picture yourself sitting directly next to a guy who is serenading you with a lame song. Would you play dead? (I would.) Instead, JoJo cries. Nailed it.

Tensions are apparently so high back at the ranch that the guys force security guards to walk the perimeter of the bachelor mansion in case Chad gets the urge to rip any more shirts. Daniel tries to level with Chad by comparing him to Hitler and asking if he could maybe dial it back to Mussolini. Chad ponders as he bites into a head of lettuce. He’s probably still pondering when Evan decides to act suuuuper mature for a 33-year-old dad, and tattle to Chris Harrison. C. Harrison tells Chad to settle the problem, Chad hears “create a Bachelorette death match”, and Evan just doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. HE’S JUST EXHAUSTED, GUYS. We’re left in the lurch for tonight’s episode because the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead we will get probably a full hour of a gangbang pool party. Bonus points if legs are cut off and torsos are thrown into the pool. Getchyo drinks ready because it’s about to pop OFF tonight and I will daydream of floating torsos until then.