We’ve arrived at the big one, that means spring is just around the corner! F that groundhog looking for his damn shadow, all we need is a 7 hour stuffy as hell broadcast with a bunch of A-list actors and a host making PC jokes to know the long winter is almost over. Unfortunately when last year’s show includes Will Smith bum-rushing the stage and bitch-slapping Chris Rock on live TV, the one that follows is gonna be tighter than a butthole. This was one of the most boring awards show ever broadcast and that includes their color choice for the carpet, which was “champagne.” It’s beige, folks. Just call it beige. Not sure why they decided to switch it up from the infamous red, but for anyone in my close circle of friends (my Twitter followers) you know that I’m currently obsessed with neutral tones and have been on an aggressive hunt to transform my entire wardrobe into exclusively Oat Milk articles of clothing, shoes, and accessories. So what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really knock a beige carpet when I just purchased a “Vanilla” sweatsuit to really commit to my NUDE era. So without further ado, all the looks from a carpet that will immediately turn brown from people traipsing all over it.

WORST

Did Florence turn her ponytail INTO micro bangs? It looks like a choice was made here and that choice was to flip her ponytail onto her forehead and superglue it there. Although I could probably spend this entire commentary discussing how that was a terrible choice, it’s important for me to also point out the bedsheet wrapped around spankypants look she’s rockin below the fringe. Nothin like rolling yourself up in a Duvet and hitting the show!

I’m never going to support a slicked back updo. ESPECIALLY from someone who has curly hair like me. Rep us curly gurlz on that champagne carpet, WHAT ARE YOU ASHAMED OF?! Yea that’s right I just took one look at this hairstyle and crafted a clickbait spin that Jenny was ashamed of her natural curls. Get on my level.

Can you imagine showing up to the biggest awards show, not being an actress, and wearing feather boas? Let’s take it down a notch, Molly. This ain’t your show, honey. Save it for the Paris catwalk.

If you’re the arm candy of Antonio Banderas at the Oscars, you’ve gotta do better than this Fabletics lookin coordinated set. I mean is she walking a red (beige) carpet or leading an at-home workout on Youtube for all of her followers?  It’s even more ridiculous that Antonio is in a tux next to Barbie Burpees.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in Kate. This isn’t the ugliest dress on the planet but it’s certainly not doing it for me. More importantly, it is the 20 year anniversary of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days this year and HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR THE ICONIC YELLOW DRESS WITH THE CANARY ISADORA DIAMOND TO THE OSCARS?!  I mean people would LOSE THEIR SHIT. That was a huge opportunity missed and I’ll be irrationally peeved about it for a little while. Do better next time, Andie Anderson.

This is a Free Willy nightmare. I don’t know if it’s the actual Orca fin of taffeta hanging off her back that’s making her posture so shitty or if she just knows this look sucks and is posing like the Hunchback of Notre Dame Humpback of the Pacific admitting defeat.

I hate this color. I hate the tie top halter and keyhole cleavage. I hate the bottom half looking like doorway streamers you buy on Amazon for decorating an Airbnb for a Bachelorette. HateHateHateDoubleHate…LOATHE ENTIRELY.

Not into the drapey fabrics style. It’s always the type of dress you trip over (because where are your feet) and also end up dragging your sleeves through the sauce on your plate or knocking over your wine glass making a real mess of things. I wanted to be a part of the poncho trend years ago when it was cool until I wore one to work and knocked my pencil cup off my desk every time I moved my arms.  A lesson was learned. Just because it’s “trendy” doesn’t mean it’s practical. Also, not for nothing, but shapeless as hell.

I love following along when people get thirsty AF for male actors and then watching as they all come back down to earth and put their boners away. This should be a sobering moment for all because the guy people have been calling DADDY for weeks on Twitter is wearing suit pants that are SO long they look like JNCO jeans bagging up around his ankles. REAL Daddies wear a tailored suit.

Slicked ‘do, clown makeup and a tiny belt resting atop her labia. Need I say more?

This is a really fun color and I don’t hate a suit moment but it has to be fitted right or a flattering style. Wearing a floor length business duster ain’t it, chicky. Waist-length jacket open to the bustier underneath would’ve slapped way harder.

This triggered me. Although a MUCH classier version, all I could think of when I saw Ashley was a recent episode of Love is Blind (S3, After the Altar) where Alexis wore the below number to her birthday party, which her dad attended. I repeat, her father was at a party where she wore this:

Sure, this is an extreme comparison. But also, is it really? When are we going to stop doing see through numbers with briefs (or lack thereof) underneath? Also perhaps I just really wanted the world to set their peepers on this birthday suit a reality TV star wore for realz and felt good about. Wanna know how I know LIB isn’t matching people with their true loves or “their person” as is gagworthy repeated time after time on this show? Cause her PERSON would’ve taken one look at that atrocity of a lace stocking stretched over her tits and bits and said “go change.” Instead her man told her she looked amazing. I give the marriage 5 years tops. And that’s being generous.

Ana’s a bangpiece and I’ve seen her knock it out of the park plenty of times but tonight wasn’t one of those times. There’s something so meh about this look and I’ve never been real rah-rah for ruffles or in this case, scales. on a dress.

THE SKINNY SCARF. Guys. If those are coming back put me in the G-D ground. The worth nothing, completely uncoordinated skinny knit scarf tossed over a t-shirt HAUNTS me as much as Gaucho pants and kitten heels do. YIKES ON BIKES. Speaking of horrifying trends coming back…I found myself in a Forever 21 this weekend (don’t ask, I’m not willing to admit why a 31 year old found herself scouring a Forever 21 and also making a purchase) but my jaw was on the ground the entire time as it looked exactly like a Delia’s catalog from 1996 come to life. The spaghetti strap crop tops with stupid bedazzled phrases, smiley faces and flames. I GASPED when I saw these bad boys:

Fashion is not real.

It’s gonna be a hard no for me, bub.

Once again, WHAT DO PEOPLE FIND SEXY ABOUT THIS GUY?!

Ariana usually does something trendy and quirky and this fell flat. Plus, fabric shooting out of your butthole tail style…two thumbs down.

Lenny, you’re way too old to be going chesties out at a black tie event. Not a good enough reason to let the breeze hit your nips.

It’s giving grandma’s curtains/tablecloth/nightgown all rolled into one vibes.

Is that a bedazzled rhombus on your chest or are you just happy to see me?

Silk AND peach?! Bruh. Come on.

“I’ve got the best idea! Let’s just forget the sleeve on one side but in it’s place we’ll do a couple of one foot wide glitter flowers hanging off the dress.” – The designer of this dumpster fire gown, probably.

There’s never a circumstance where I need to know if you’ve recently gotten a bikini wax by seeing it with my own peepers for an awards show. 

Say it with me now y’all, TOO MUCH FABRIC!

And in the same camp…why are we ADDING layers to the hip area?! I love the color and the bold lip but this drapey sitch is OUT.

When I first saw this I was like HELL YEA, MARLEE. Get down with your bad self. And then something that inevitably happens every time I do a red carpet blog, by the time I got back ’round to doing commentary for it I flip-flopped and suddenly hated it. She basically has the same hairstyle as Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama and I can’t razz all over Molly Sims for her boa arms and not also throw stones at Marlee for her feather cake bottom gown. EQUALITY FOR SHITTING ALL OVER BOA FASH.

This is an MK or A witchy simplistic lewk and I expect more from E. We know your sisters dress like this at every public outing (usually baggier and with more layers) but you’re a rising star at the beginning of your career that didn’t start on straight to VHS short films with original white girl rap songs. GIVE US SOMETHING SPICY. Take a chance, boo!

Unpopular opinion but I don’t worship the ground Rihanna walks on for literally no reason. She made some catchy pop beats like 10 years ago and she seems cool and all but this Beyonce-level obsession that people have with her and thinking she is a fashion icon is a little much. I thought her super bowl outfit that had people questioning if she had a pregnancy announcement or just hadn’t pooped in a while kinda sucked and the same goes for this sheer/leather thang. Sorry…not sorry.

DID SHE TIE THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS INTO A RAT TAIL? Get the hell out of my face with that.

A very public Kelly Ripa H8er (Rege & KLG 4 LIFE), I rolled my eyes out of my damn head when she announced that Ryan Seacrest would be leaving the show and her husband would be taking his place. I’m a firm believer that she’s a real twat and difficult to work with so it checks that she’s now choosing the one person who doesn’t get paid to tolerate her on the daily. I smelled drama with this switcheroo and I know she’s trying to get ahead of it by showing up with both like there isn’t bad blood but WE KNOW YOU KELLY. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. And that’s my unrelated bitchy rant to close out awards season. Also look how far those three clowns are standing apart. I’ve never seen a more uncomfy trio. Ok, now I’m done. Is Mark wearing a jean shirt? KByeeeeeeeee.

What an asshole move. Every time they panned to the audience and I saw this skyscraper hood levitating above her head I felt bad for everyone sitting behind her. If I was running the show and saw her roll through I’d tell her she had to sit in the nosebleeds. It’s only fair.

 

BEST

Love a pastel moment and we didn’t get too many of them tonight. SPRING HAS SPRUNG LITTLE CHICKADEES!

Idris lookin like a stone cold fox in that blue patterned jacket but unfortunately for us all he chose to bring Kermit the Frog as his date. There’s a reacher and a settler in every relashe and I think we’ve solidified who is who here. 

I’ve come to accept that Seth exclusively wants to look like he’s going to prom and out of the many quirky pastels he’s tried to pull off in the past, this ivory and steel blue combo is his best. His wife wore a much less offensive shade of green than ole Kermie above, which was nice.

I could not be more obsessed with not only a periwinkle suit, but a periwinkle suit with pearl starburst buttons. Grey shoes would’ve been the obvious choice here instead of a chunky black loafer but I’m guessing he was somewhat trying to coordinate with his lady friend, so we’ll let it slide.

What a fun take on crop separates! Bustier top and a hot orange bottom keeping it sassy as hell.

This kid knows what’s up. Sick kicks and a sparkly jacket. I respect starting strong right out the gate. Keep up the good work, Ginger Snap.

I don’t know how Vanessa became a key player in red carpet fashion but she’s been throwing heaters for the past few years now and I accept.

God, nothing makes me smile like a finger gun pose at a black tie affair.

One of the few red numbers of the eve and she looks great!

Dubs hands on hips and some midsection lacies is fierce. WERK.

Only thing more cool guy than a shimmery silver jacket would’ve been matching bottoms but something tells me Samuel L. doesn’t need anymore street cred.

PRINCESS PINK MOMENT!

Michelle almost snagged the best dressed honor because she is an angelic beauty in this.

I can’t stand phantom sleeves attached to nothing but I need to commend Mindy for stepping outside of the box. Her show The Mindy Project featured some of the quirkiest and fun bold outfits episode after episode and then when I see Mindy on the red carpet it feels like she’s always in blacks, navy blues, and basic styles. More of this good shit, please! She looks sexy and fashionable even though her upper arms are probably cold. Seriously, what’s the point of forearm sleeves? But I digress…

HOT COUPLE ALERT. (They’d be hot even if they showed up in athleisure, but that’s why Hollywood is unfair and exists to remind us that we’re all a bunch of poor, ugly, slobs.)

Speaking of unfair, Jessica literally looks like a painting.

Let’s be real, it’s the pocket for me.

Another cut sleeve thing which really burns my biscuits but hot damn that dress fits her like a glove. You know what it is? I think the sleeves are giving me flashbacks to the fishnet cut-off girls would get from Hot Topic and slide over their pasty arms with an American Eagle graphic tee. Glad you could join me on this journey to find out why I’m personally triggered by a trend. Always a pleasure working through things with you.

A real daddy, if you will. A well deserved thirst trap.

Now that awards season is over, let’s all stop making fun of his Elvis accent. Pinky swear?

This is the unhinged part of the blog where I declare that Michelle and Jamie Lee must’ve been keeping up with The Salty Ju because I knocked them down a peg at the Globes and they stepped it UP for the Oscars. Has everything to do with me and my highly valued opinions and nothing to do with the fact that this is the biggest awards show and the final one of the season. These light sparkly gowns are flattering and goddess-like which is much more fitting of two first-time Oscar winners. Well done babes.

Another pastel princess moment for the new Princess Ariel. BTW that trailer sucked. Don’t turn an UNDERWATER move into live action. It looked fake as hell. Some things just BELONG in animation. Whoops, got a little hot under the collar about a Disney Vault Classic. Sorry bout it.

 

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Honestly Cara was at every awards show this year and I don’t even know what she was in to warrant an awards season tour but also I don’t really care with a stunner like this. She crushed and she knows it. Anyone who’s still comparing this to “Angelina Jolie’s leg moment” is stuck in the past because if you’re asking me she blows big Ange outta the water. I would say more about why she’s the top contender of the evening but I can’t stop staring at that sleek gam. I’m rendered speechless by stem. Snaps for you Cara. Ya did the damn thing.