Ok, here’s the deal. On Valentine’s Day the Mets emailed me and were all like “Ooohhh I bet you’re lonely and have a touch of the seasonal depresh, here’s a deal marketed JUST TO YOU.” And I’ve never felt more seen. I didn’t skip a beat in drawing out that ole CC and buying 4 tickets in lower level seats for a discount price just because it was winter and I didn’t have someone to snuggle with. Which is how we ended up here, with me a little sauced (understatement of the century) on Met Gala Monday after having already observed Met Monday. In fact, I made the joke, what if I showed up at the Met Gala in my Mets hat?! It bombed. No one laughed. These are the hard truths one has to overcome when you have a casual personal blog that you take way too seriously and also try to do excursions at the same time. I also tried to make “It’s gonna be Mets” happen. Regardless, that’s how I found myself over-served on a Monday doling out my typical (but maybe a little drunker?) Met Red Carpet observations. ‘NJoy. My first un-prompted thought: Why is everyone trying to be Wednesday Addams?! Follow-up thought…when my friend was like there were literal cats on the carpet, I SOUNDLY replied “oh yeah, that’s for Choupette.” So let the records show that even though I double booked baseball and fashion, I did NOT forget that this year’s theme was: “Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty” aka a tribute to his fashion forward (but definitely asshole) cat would not be out of line. PS I don’t care how famous you are, your cat is still an asshole, that’s just a fact, JACK.

I was literally on the train home when my BFF texted me “I hope you’re dong a met recap” to which I obviously replied with a drunk train selfie, but don’t let that boozey pic fool you because nothing and I MEAN NOTHING will stop me from judging celebs, especially whilst wearing an oversized Mets PJ shirt that was clearanced out at a whopping 3 dollars last season at Marshall’s. When I arrived home and this was the first outfit I saw it was ON like DONKEY KONG. Jenny. Jen. Lo. Baby. Whatchu doing girl?! There is no Met theme on this planet that would justify a 50’s pillbox hat, facial net and a side of tits out for the boys. This is a SWING AND A MISS. (Using baseball references cause I’m so into baseball these days and that’s obvious.)

We followed up Jen’s nipsy doodle with this Kimmy K pearl quartet and GAUGE MY EYES OUT STOP INVITING KARDASHIANS TO THE MET BECAUSE THEY EMBARRASS US EVERY YEAR. Kim is trying so hard to be Marilyn Monroe she’s about to pop an implant from how hard she’s trying to squeeze into Marilyn’s bombshell shoes. Give it up, girl. You can be hot and cool in your own identity, you don’t need to live up to these iconic American fashion staples. It’s ok, bbgurl. Relax.

I get that it’s been trendy to hate on Anne Hathaway for absolutely no reason which is exactly why I’ve always advocated for her. But I can’t here. This Elvira hairstyle with a pinned together dress is woof city, population: Annie get your gun and get the hell out of here. Sorry, not sorry.

Honestly, sure why not. I feel like I’m coming across like a real Negative over-served Nancy, and I’m not trying to bring your Tuesday down. Does  a latex number salute Karl? Probably not. But if you’re going to go AWL OUT for a red carpet, Met Gala is the place to do it. So guh’ head Cardi. Get down with your black condom florals and tie and silver “wig” sitch.

Honestly, what’s the point of being a VS angel if you can’t just strap on a pair of damn wings whenever you please?! She’s freshly single and just wants to walk the catwalk as an angel no matter the time of year and I’m here for it.

I fully support a strong ab midsection and a spicy blazer, I will NEVER EVER (NOT EVEN IF THERE’S A FIRE) support a mermaid bottom. MER.MAID.BOTT.OM. GET LAWST with that. Toss your “I only eat kale” mid section in my face ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY but do NOT think you can slip a peplum skirt by me, KERRY.

This is our new Barbie, and with all due respect, this is boring as hell. You can’t be in a movie with ICONIC hot pink outfits and then be like ho, hum, lemme just toss on a basic black gown for the Met ball. Sure, she looks great, but YA GOTTA STUN ME. There were years that celebrities LITERALLY dressed as Barbie and we’re gonna just do a black gown when you ARE Barbie?! NO, babes.

This is right around the point where I was like oh ok, we’re all just doing Wednesday Addams. Like the theme was Karl Lagerfeld, a fashion designer ICON, and everyone was like I’ll just wear black and be emo. Kewl. Sick effort. Karl is R-O-L-L-I-N-G in his grave. Kendall looks cool and all but I’m bitter about this stupid and lazy approach to the theme.

Again, Lizzo looks fre$h but black and pearls is BOOOOOOOOOORING.

Check out that one flap of hair just dangling in her eye line. I’ve never been more infuriated by a patch of hair. Bye.

Since we’ve apparently interpreted “Karl” as darkness becomes my soul, Billie really nailed it. True story, this is pretty much her aesthetic and it really suits her.

I take back everything I said about Priyanka’s hair because WOOOOWWW. What’s the happs here?! Other than obviously a flood with those pants and loafies.

Even Choups took one look at this costume and was like NIGHTMARES. Better luck next time, Jared.

Gigi is the classic Abercrombie girl who goes to Hot Topic and is like I’m punk now, guys. Stick to jewel-toned horse logo sweaters with a popped collar underneath, booboo.

Things that clean your car in a car wash for 400, Alex.

Sure, bub, let’s just use the Met Gala as another avenue for you to push this “I only wear things that shock Conservatives” agenda. You win, you always do.

Michelle is having an awards season moment, so I’m not here to shit on that. She’s following the unspoken black and white rule and she looks good so get after it, mama.

Not gonna lie, I love a couple that commits to a fashion statement. Dwayne is just as into this as Gabs is, if not more. 

Honestly how did she even snag an invite to this ordeal? No one correlates Nicole Kidman with high fashion. But here we are. She looks dece (more dece than she does on a red carpet) but still odd to see her. It’s like when  a friend no one invited just casually showed up and you all had to pretend you invited her all along cause you’d look like a big ole group of heartless bitches if you didn’t. If you’re reading this and wondering if your girl gang ever did this to anyone, it’s you. They didn’t invite you. Sarry.

Sure, Barbs pink and feather are always accepted no matter the occasion.

It’s slowly starting to click (alcohol is a scary drug, folks) that everyone in H-wood just decided to dress EXACTLY like Karl for this evening’s events. On the one hand, Steph nailed it, on the other hand that I’ve leaned into A LOT, it’s so the OPPOSITE of creative. Ooh, the theme is Karl? Can I borrow on of his ties and pull my hair back to look like a man?! Insert the deepest of eye rolls here. I want FUNKY, not copy an 85 year old man who hasn’t changed his red carpet outfit in 59 years. Lookin at you for a wake-up call on this matter, Anna Wintour.

BOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOoOOOOOOOOOO. You lived through the worst decades of fashion in the early aughts with baby tee’s and baby purses. You should be SLAYING at the Met Gala every year!! Triple decker platforms and a choker that spans the width of your body AIN’T IT, SIS.

Karlie took the Kimmy K pearls memo and repurposed into a belt and for that reason, I’m out.

Amanda looks like she was straight up electrocuted. And not in a chic way.

I don’t get it. I’m sorry. I know this is the most unpopular opinion because girls are creaming their jeans over this guy and yet, a high biz sock and a bare calf will dry a girl RIGHT UP. This is horrifying.

Red is making an appearance here and there on the carpet and I’m so desperado for a pop of color that I’m thirsty as hell for most of the red hot lewks. This is sex pot 101 with the latex corset and lace legs so snaps for Salma.

Cause nothing says bless us o’lord for these are thy gifts like a body chain rosary diving down your exposed cleavage and thigh high’s. God Bless the USA.

Is that a neck guitar?! Whatever, her hair and makeup looks good so this little topless guitar cape can slide on by.

10/10. No Notes.

Imagine throwing on a double decker head piece like this and thinking you won’t look stupid? I want that kind of confidence.

Simple but elegant and I’m always on board for a sparkly tassel.

Another carbon copy, I’m just gonna wear Karl’s skin as a suit move. Eyes rolling down the white and red carpet.

Cake ruffles…we all know where I stand on that trend. Also not for nothing but pink eye shadow should be banned, it forever makes people look unwell for wearing.

I would like this look a bajillion times more if we eliminated the neck bow/fake flower. I do love the lace and sparkle combo though.

This is BODACIOUS. Sure, it’s stupid to basically drag a comforter behind you but at least it’s a nice soft blue and complements the pastels in the dress.

This is bad prom 101. So tacky and unflattering.

It’s so great that we live in a society where the Bradley Cooper’s of Hollywood just show up in a plain ole tuxedo and people are like yes, he nailed it. Throw on some shades and a little hair tousle and women are fanning themselves.

I LIVE FOR AN OPEN BACK, BABY.

I know she has silver hair regularly and not just for this event so I’m not going to come at her for copying Karl. See? I can be rational. 

This is the kind of shit I like to see. Over the top, I’m a Real Housewife of Dubai Queen. Bow down, bitches.

From Dubai to Ancient Greece. This look isn’t moving the needle for me. It’s random and out of place and the color is off.

The bows are suuuuhhhhhh STUPID. She literally looks like a five year old with a bow just tied into her hair like that.

Have we seen a blue number yet? Honestly, I don’t even remember because there were 124 photos on People.com. That is too many photos. We’re really pushing it here and I’m running out of steam BIG time. Will I ever be done with this blog? Probs not. I’ll be clacking away as a skeleton six feet under. Oh no, we’re getting loopy. I’m laughing the most at picturing myself as a skeleton. At least my figure would be top notch. Could eat all the hot dogs I want cause they’d just fall right out. Anyway, her legs look bangin and matching boots to the dress? OKURR.

Stunning. That dark lip contrast is Chef’s Kiss.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?! I’ve never hated anything more. A black “my hair is dirty so I’ll slip this on” headband and peach satin?! Woof.

I never put two and two together while watching Daisy Jones & the Six that this is Rob Pattinson’s latest piece. Seems like an odd match-up. Digging her little fairy dress but the PINK EYESHADOW DAMNIT. It makes women look sick.

I’m into this whoutfit with flower dangles. I also like a man who commits to the theme and doesn’t just roll up as himself, BRADLEY.

I very much do not like this.

Bangs?! BANGS, EM?! I cannot focus on anything else.

This is so Emily in Paris Pierre Cadault meta and if you don’t understand that reference then you’ve OBVIOUSLY never been to Paris. Like LC. BAM BAM, double stupid show reference. I’m FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS.

This one grew on me. It’s like a mother and daughter Peaches and cream duo. I like the contrast of the fur and silk togets. Well done for Mommy & Me!

We get it, Maude, you’re skinny.

Ahh, the ole butt bow. Tried and true every major red carpet event has to have one.

If this were a standalone look I’d genuinely wonder if this was a Michael Jackson tribute instead. 

This is a little too on the nose for me, Doja Cat.

An effort was made here, so we accept.

I’m into this, especially that GIANT rock she’s sporting around her neck. I mean damn, girl.

Hate tweed the most. And a chain belt is literally making me puke a little in my mouth. That could be the mixture of beer, wine, gin & vodka I tossed down my gullet. But more likely, it’s the belt.

SPARKLY & SHINY & SHIMMERS!

Alright who was on wiping duty for Rita last night?

I’m weirdly into this. Maybe it’s the cocky hand in the pocket pose? 

RIP MY EYEBALLS OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS FOR ONE MORE SECOND IT IS BEYOND HIDEOUS.

Rami looks like he’s going to the grocery store to pick up eggs.

Yup, I’m 100% all in on this. This is a moment.

Two contrasting dramatic looks b2b and I love it a lot. This pearl crown is bomb.com.

I mean he wins, right?! Like you show up to a Karl tribby with a 10 ft train in his likeness you’ve just essentially told everyone to suck it hard. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Yoikes this is bad. 

FUN & FUNKY FRESH.

Gotta be honest, this looks cozy as hell.

No. Nope. Not happening. No sir you will not just throw on a leather trench and oversized shades and call it a day.

It’s giving boxer about to enter the ring.

We’ve got a twofer here. Weird big coat over hoop and TA-DA I’M JUST WEARING UNDIES AND A CONE YOU PUT OVER TREES YOU WANT TO PROTECT FROM SNOW! Sure babes, whatever. If not at the Met, when can you hula hoop it up in your skivs. Body looks bangin.

What a punchable face. That closed mouth smile and peace sign in a bucket hat. Pete’s just asking for a knuckle sandwich.

The way that people wait with bated breath for a RiRi appearance. Events like this were made for the Rihanna’s and Gaga’s of the world. What outlandish thing can they stunt all over the carpet. And you know what? I like it. Like I said 100 years ago when I started writing this blog, I love a couple that goes full send together. ASAP with the kilt, Rihanna with the coordinated red lip and cool Hollywood starlet shades. I’m even down with this flower bubble. And that’s it, folks. That’s a wrap on the Met. Now excuse me while I take a long winter’s nap because whipping up this blog at 10pm after a booze-filled day was basically my Jordan flu game. If you made it to the end of this blog that I will absolutely not be proof-reading, you also deserve a nap. LET IT RIP.