Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- The One Where Jimmy Kimmel Makes it Watchable

*DISCLAIMER: I’d like to apologize for spelling Kaitlyn’s name wrong for my last recap and possibly the one before that. I’m far to concerned with remembering the extraneous E in Julia to focus on Kaitlyn but I lost some sleep over it so it’s RIGHT now.

The episode begins with Jimmy Kimmel being Chris’s wakeup call and although the room is dark we have a single spotlight shining on his six pack as he arises from bed and his sheets artfully cover his morning wood because he was obviously awoken from a dream about rubbing KardASHLEY’s magic lamp.

Jimmy surprises the girls who he refers to as the sister wives, and it becomes clear that I will have a partner in poking fun of these dum dums because Jimmy is taking over this episode and no one is safe from his sarcasm. He also introduces the “Amazing” jar for whoever slips and says it. (Read: Everyone.)

Kaitlyn Date

Kaitlyn wins the first date with Chris and is promised hor d’oeuvres, high ceilings and an amazing view. They’re taken to Costco and Chris is dressed for a salsa dancing class in a purple button down with the top 4 buttons undone so this is a nice twist. Kaitlyn is dressed like Khloe Kardashian with a flannel tied around her waist (did she clear this outfit by KardASHLEY?) They’re shocked that their date is to go grocery shopping like REGULAR couples do. Ugh. So they roll down the aisles of Costco in an inflatable hamster wheel that I’ve decided I NEED. I also will need some children to push me around in it like Chris and Kaitlyn had, child labor on TV style. They make out in the hamster ball, obv. Kids—shield your eyes. Then these two little hamsters get some food and folding tables fit for a trailer park BBQ to make Jimmy dinner. Once they return to Chris’s house they get cooking. By cooking, I mean Chris does all the work and Kaitlyn pours the whiskey. Live look into the teamwork that this relationship is/will be. While swigging their bourbon and cuddling, the two discover that Chris has a little bitch laugh and Kaitlyn has a man’s laugh. In related news, I’ve decided that I hate Chris’s laugh and I hear it WAY too much because he laughs when he’s uncomfortable, usually after he’s made out with someone. And I think we ALL know how often he’s been in that position. Speaking of, Jimmy shows up while Chris and Kaitlyn are feasting on each other’s faces. During dinner, Jimmy asks the hard hitting questions that we’ve all been wondering, like how will you feel when you find out that Chris has taken several ladies to Penetration Land aka the Fantasy Suite. Kaitlyn earns a rose by saying that she won’t mind because you have to test drive the car before you buy it. Kaitlyn is diving HARD for the I’m a bro and love casual sex award, we’ll see if this pays off in the end.

Group Date

The theme of our first group date of the night is working on a farm, Napoleon Dynamite, Jimmy Kimmel style. Jillian, the walking black box censor, kicks off the competition with a serious case of ‘roid rage on some undeserving ears of corn. Since her ass is perpetually on display, the goat Jillian tries to milk next is too afraid of how hairy it is and won’t produce any milk for her. Carly the cruise ship singer on the other hand, gets her some goats milk STAT and tells us that she’s lactose intolerant right before she chugs it. YEEHAWWW get this girl a diaper QUICK. Jillian finally wrangles her goat and is hot on Carly’s tail so she decides to jump the pig fence to get ahead and of course they show this jump in slow motion and it’s just as glorious as when Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez laced up his new PF Flyers and jumped the Beast’s fence, except with a lot more ass crack. Our girl Carly wrangles a pig first and gets the W and I’m hoping she gets to a bathroom before that warm milk sloshing in her stomach turns into a real shit storm. Before she can, however, Jimmy has Chris pose with her for an American Gothic portrait and Jimmy also has to explain to all the ladies what this famous painting actually is and I’m assuming flash cards are involved.

After the competition, Chris slobbers on a bunch of girls to the ominous and creepy soundtrack of Anastasia or something. Mackenzie, the brightest dental assistant in the group of unemployed and aspiring makeup design technicians, comes right out and asks Chris why he’s kissing everyone else and not just her? Although it’s a valid question to ask why Chris insists on shaking hands with his mouth before he even chats with a girl, Mackenzie, the one who tallies their kisses in a diary, wasn’t exactly the right person to call him out for it. Chris clears his throat a lot in response and doesn’t have a good reason, when really he could’ve just told Mackenzie to go shave her back now and I would’ve been satisfied (or not given her a rose). Becca stands out in the group of hungry Barbies and gives Chris some cheek (not the kind that Jillian is giving) because she doesn’t want to catch the herps that everyone’s swapping around. And he’s like no it’s cool I have to work for it, which obviously means giving her a rose so that he can get to know her tonsils.

Whitney Date

Whitney calls her one on one date with Chris a “formal date”, yet she shows up in a jean vest over a hot pink 8^th grade shelf bra cami from Limited Too with white jeans and a necklace made of pooka shells. Chris has decided to color coordinate and they look like a couple of cotton candies heading to dinner at The Max. Chris tells Whitney he likes people who can make friends and go with the flow, therefore Whitney the try-hard screeches LET’S CRASH THIS WEDDING. Whit breaks the cardinal rule of wedding crashing; don’t wear what the bride is wearing. Oh the bride isn’t also wearing white jeans? Never mind. She changes into a formal gown, thank GOD but their evening wear can’t save them because they do no prep work to coordinate their stories and it’s almost as if the producers are going to go over to the wedding party and ask if they can film it and also have them all sign releases. Regardless, Chris has his panties in a wad that they’ll get arrested. If I could arrest him for how bad he is at making small talk at weddings I would’ve had him thrown in jail to think about what he’s done and replay his awful dad dance moves. Chris really dropped the ball on socializing and Whitney steps into the role of future Mrs. Soules and obviously doesn’t take it too seriously. She gets a rose for being able to hold a conversation with strangers who know you’re crashing their wedding. PS-If you bring a gift, you are officially the LAMEST uninvited wedding guests in America. “Officer, arrest these two for asking to come to my wedding, bringing a camera crew and a set of crystal stemware, THEY ARE DEVIANTS. “

*To be clear–Whitney still has the voice of 1000 Mickey’s being shoved down a garbage disposal so this date felt like it lasted for centuries.*

Pool Party

There was no social before the rose ceremony last night, instead there was a pool party, giving the girls an opportunity to put on a full face of makeup, bikini and stilettos and wet their heads with beach waves hair spray to create the illusion that they actually went swimming.

JuElia sees that Chris is having fun horsing around in the pool so it’s obviously the perfect time for her to take him aside and tell him about her husband who horrifically committed suicide. Side (but important) note: Chris is wearing a leather-braided necklace during this extremely uncomfortable and detailed conversation. They follow up a heavy and terribly depressing topic that should never have been exploited for TV with a super relevant ad from The Bachelor: THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE FAMOUS?! If that doesn’t end in a lawsuit I don’t know what will.

Jade gets a tour of Chris’s house including the bedroom, where they have a steamy make out session on his bed set to 70’s porn music. I’d like to shake hands with the music supervisor for this show. Meanwhile, Jillian lurks in the hot tub waiting to pounce for the sloppy seconds fifteenths. They have a minute together (full of swapping spit) and then the terrible three comprised of KardASHLEY, Mackenzie and Megan (who should think about putting that helmet back on) come and ruin it. KardASHLEY is upset that she did her “Kardashian look” and isn’t getting any attention or rubs to her belly ring region, so she runs off and cries about it. KardASHLEY has become the cheap plastic stemware rolling down the driveway of the entire pool party. She snags Chris finally to laugh/cry to him that she misses him and we all know the formula by now, tears=make outs. When Chris asks KardASHLEY if she’s crying or laughing and she replies both, it hits a little too close to home because I also spend two hours every Monday simultaneously crying and laughing that my life has come to watching girls fight over hot tub minutes.

Roses (in order): Kaitlyn, Becca, Whitney, Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Onion Pomegranate, Nikki, Jillian, KardASHLEY (Last. RECOGNIZE YO PLACE, GIRL…less crying, more laughing.)

Memorable Quotes

“It’s warm and salty. Not things I like in my mouth.”-Does it really matter who said this? The producers/writers of this show are clearly just F-ing with us.

“It kinda like fuels a fire under my butt”-Jade talking about her competition OR Carly after chugging a glass of goat’s milk? You decide.

“You are a man and I am a woman and I just want to take advantage.”– Carly before she makes out with Chris making a SOUND argument for feminism.

“Whatever you do don’t be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches.”-Kimmel summing up everything that makes me cringe about this show. Seriously, Chris, no more rose speeches. Revert to what you know…massaging everyone’s throats with your tongue.

I seriously tried to make this shorter because I understand that I wrote a novel longer than anything these bachelorettes have ever read for last week’s recap. Bear with me, I’m on the learning curve of being a brand new Bach-consumer. I hope that we can learn from this amazing journey together.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

Remember how we had SUCH a cliffhanger last week when Kimberly the yoga instructor got all emosh and rolled back up to Chris and asked to talk? Well she blubbered out to him that they never got a chance to talk and that’s not how she would like this to end. Obviously all the girls who just received roses were really sympathetic to Kimberly and supportive of her decision to come back in. Just kidding, they talked shit the entire time and made her feel as unwelcome as possible. Chris feels bad because Kimberly is crying a lot and he asks Chris Harrison if it’s kosher to throw her a bone and let her come back for a second chance. Chris Harrison is like yeah the more brunettes that look exactly the same, the better…or something like that. And Kimberly the yoga instructor has effectively clawed her way back into the group.

The girls get their first group date invite and Chris showers outside in their driveway because PLOT TWIST: he lives in their driveway. The first date is a pool party and Chris shows up in a hooded sweatshirt unzipped at the top to show his pecs and I choke back vomit.

They play a healthy game of chicken fight where four girls are forced to team up and it’s clear that Chris hates them, then they parade through Hollywood in their bikinis to get to the “country” part of the date, a tractor race. While the most boring date in America is going down, Megan the makeup artist and Jillian the gym rat who apparently has her asshole hanging out because it’s blurred, sneak into Chris’s house…it’s UNLOCKED. They climb all over his motorcycle and Megan tries on his helmet and then runs around the house smacking her head into shit. I hope for her sake that she was day drinking and this isn’t one of her favorite pastimes.

Kardashian lookalike who is very well aware that she’s a Kardashian lookalike, Ashley wins the tractor race and gets some one on one time to sit in Chris’s lap atop a tractor and probably talk about makeup and selfies. Then Chris returns to the group and delivers his first shocking decision of the night when he picks Mackenzie for a one on one date. The girls justify this irrational decision by saying that Chris is just trying to make everyone feel like they have a fair chance even though they’ve all accepted that Mackenzie is the dud of the group who not coincidentally is also wearing overalls. Mackenzie exemplifies everything you should never do on a first date. First she calls out Chris for having having his ear pierced at one point. SPOT BLOWN UP. Chris lost many cool points for that one. She says she’s super observant of creepy things and now we all know she’s a serial killer. Then she tells Chris he has a big shnozz and that’s apparently her fetish. He’s offended and she pisses her pants because she thinks she’s so funny and backtracks and says it’s “prominent” not “big.” Then she brings up aliens quickly followed by “I haven’t been on a date in a LOOOOOOONG time.” It’s cause she has a son named Kale, she word vomits all onto Chris. He quickly wipes it up, clearly looks uncomfy and tells her he’s not scared of kids and they slow dance and kiss. Also she gets a rose. Mackenzie pulls out a small notepad and tallies all of her kisses with Chris that she later recounts for all the ladies who are wearing harsh fake smiles.

Second One on One Date with Megan the makeup artist.

Megan gets a one on one date with Chris despite the fact that she ran around his house ramming her head into hard surfaces. I have enough faith that if Chris saw that beforehand he would’ve opted out on the date, but that faith was crushed quickly with all of Chris’s poor decisions last night. Megan leaves for their date with her hair done up for the Oscars and an outfit that I definitely wore to an 8th grade dance, a pink wife beater and jeans. She clearly got tired after curling her hair and pulled a shirt out of her PJ drawer. Way to class it up for your future husband, girl. Megan & Chris are treated to a helicopter ride above the desert, the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. Chris took Mackenzie to a local pub and flew Megan across the Grand Canyon and landed for an intimate picnic. Bet Mackenzie’s ripping up her tallied kisses watching Chris dump all over their shitty date with this romantic outing. Megan squeezes Chris’s hand the whole time and I can’t help but be concerned for his circulation. On their picnic, Megan casually tells the story of how her being here happened so fast that slowly dwindled into her telling Chris that her Dad died. Apparently an award-winning storyteller, Megan leaves that part until the end and instead leads on a detail by detail telling of her dad’s whereabouts when he had a heart attack, what machinery the paramedics used on him, what his blood pressure was and what color sheets he had in his hospital room before she finally says that he passed away. Chris pretends to listen intently through all of this and is more likely going through everything he has eaten that day in his mind. He gives her a rose before she can tell him what suit her dad was buried in. They make out, obvs.

Second Group Date-Til Death Do Us Part

The girls are driven to an abandoned warehouse, a zombie scares them in the limo and they all get the physically closest they will ever be. Chris comes into the limo and everyone screeches and Kelsey cackles and suddenly I hate her just for one laugh. The date consists of shooting Zombies and then finding the beacon of light, video game style. Onion Pomegranate wants to shoot her teammates and everyone is concerned for her having a firearm, as they should be. There’s so much screaming it was like being in a bar with a bunch of woo girls. Onion Pomegranate (OP for short) is shooting zombies who are already dead, just further confirming that she’s unhinged. Then she goes off into OP land and starts rambling about angels and a big boom. Everyone tries way too hard to understand her when they should be ignoring her. Then OP sneaks up on Chris and he treats her like a mental patient who has escaped the psych ward, asking her several times in a slow enunciated tone if she’s okay. She’s not sure what planet she’s on so the producer that is on stand-by in case she slits Chris’s throat drops onion pieces to lead her to bed for the night.

Once the crazy has been tucked in, Britt and Chris share a moment where Britt reiterates that she thinks Chris is her boyfriend and he responds by giving her a coupon for a free kiss. Cause like free displays of affection are an inside joke for them, or Britt’s actual career but whatever. Katelynn and Chris also have some one on one time where Katelynn reveals that she recently dated someone who moved a lot and she decided that she didn’t want to put her life on hold for a guy again…so she promptly put her life on hold for a guy when she joined the Bachelor cast. Makes sense. Katelynn gets the rose and Britt cries herself to sleep because her boyfriend is cheating on her.

Group Social

The betches all gather again in cheap club dresses to edge more time in with Chris before he makes his rose decisions for the night. Whitney surprises Chris with a bottle of liquor, she not so discreetly reminds Chris that her brother in law is from Iowa and gives a toast that’s way too long for someone with an ear shattering voice. KardASHLEY tells Mackenzie she’s a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, Mackenzie is SUUUUUPER jelly and won’t let it go–Probably because a kid walked out of her vagina at the ripe age of 20. KardASHLEY feels the need to see Chris again and let him know that although she hasn’t had sex she can still do OTHER things (wink), she shows Chris her belly button ring with a magic lamp charm and Chris gets three wishes on her trashy piece of jewelry from Spencer Gifts. Chris wishes he could kiss her and has to rub her magic lamp. (That’s the first sentence that I didn’t exaggerate and I wish that I did.) She’s an eat your face kind of kisser and it looks real messy. My money’s on a sex tape before the end of this year from KardASHLEY, for obvious reasons.

Britt may have been the only one who got a written note with Free Kiss, but the rest of the ladies hopped right on that train as Chris tongued every girl in the house. But he’s looking for THE ONE, so it’s okay guys. Jordan the sloppy drunk student wants in on that big spit swap orgy and fixes her lipstick, downs another shot then hits him up for a makeout. She’s this week’s slob kebab and makes everything awkward and then announces that it’s awkward because that’s the quickest way to make it 1000x worse. This is the first time I see Chris turn down a smooch.

Rose Ceremony:

Mackenzie, Megan and Katelynn have roses from before, Britt & KardASHLEY are called next (cause he obviously has them pegged to be polite, chaste ladies who wait until marriage…just kidding these are all the easiest biddies and Prince Farming has some fantasy suite plans in the works). He calls out to Juelia and Jillian/Man Shoulders starts walking. He firmly repeats that he called Juelia and Jillian catches her 6 inch stiletto from Deb on the carpet and almost wipes out. She recovers smoothly by laughing like a maniac while everyone covers their eyes and reveals that if they were her they’d probably just kill themselves. Unfortunately she is also given a rose later on after he makes her sweat it out and question why she ever is allowed out in public. The last person that I recall getting a rose is OP and it literally disgusts me to have to type this. Our very own Prince Farming picked the girl who has multiple personalities and probably mixes vicodin with her gin and tonics every night… clearly just for ratings. If she isn’t out by next week I will sincerely be disappointed in this hunk of man meat.

Tara, Alissa, Jordan, Kimberly are sent home for sure. THE REST IS A BLUR.

Cringeworthy Moment(s) of the Week:

Juelia shares that she has a daughter, Ireland and was married to Ireland’s dad. She then reveals to these women that she doesn’t know at all and are looking for weaknesses to undercut her, that her husband committed suicide right after she had the baby. Juelia is all tears and just wants to find the right moment to unload this all on Chris who will most definitely handle it really well. Samantha the fashion designer stares at Juelia and puts a limp hand on her shoulder to comfort the sobbing girl. And it just felt genuine, you know? Coming in at a close second for most cringeworthy moment is Jordan getting sloppy drunk, twerking on the wall and then going on a tyrant about Jillian’s hairy ass, which makes me wonder how often these girls have seen each other naked in the two days they’ve lived together.

Best Quotes of the Week:

“I know what he means by show me your country and he’s gonna see it” -Tara, most likely referring to the bottle of Jim Beam she has stashed in her bikini top. Girl never rides a tractor without Jim.

“I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”-Megan before her date with Chris and also a not so subtle hint at how she would like her first date with Chris to end. HEYYOOO. K that was dirty. Sorry. Not.

“The most beautiful blue eyes in North America.”-Chris to Megan at their Grand Canyon picnic. He quickly backtracked and was like I mean California, I mean in this Canyon. SMOOOTH lines, Corn Boy.

“Your leather smells really great.”-OP/Ashley S. right before she cut a chunk of Chris’s leather jacket with her switchblade and put it in her secret box underneath her bed full of cat fur and pomegranates.

“We’re all talking about having the same boyfriend.”-Britt as she cries about her boyfriend cheating on her and giving out MAD free kisses.

“I’m never anybody’s number one”-Tara right after she was DUMPED by Chris. Girl, you’ll always have Jim Jack and Johnny. And your sport fishing career.

That’s it for this week! I look forward to more tonsil hockey and monitoring of Ashley S’s meds next week. Until then I leave you with the best picture Google has ever given me for a blog.

Television

The Bachelor Season 19 Premiere

An open h8er of The Bachelor I never thought I would see the day where I was willingly watching a season. Then I realized that I could recap the insanity for all my Bachelor-lovin’ friends and turn it into pure lawls. So here we are with a new weekly TV Recap. Follow me on this journey as Prince Farming, Chris Soules finds his milk maid. (Yes, I did write that myself, but it is only a matter of minutes before ABC trademarks it because the first 5 minutes of the premiere were FULL of cheesy farm cliches equally as cringeworthy as that one.)

Our farmtastic bachelor has a lovely montage to open up the show and so that we can see how many times he can talk about his crops or stare at them longingly from his motorcycle. Two minutes into the episode and he’s tearing up after he just rolled in badass style on his Harley, Chris was already showing us the gamut of emotions that he holds inside. “Love…is a lot like farming…” he muses as he eats the corn from his field and wonders if he’ll finally find someone to feed his chickens. After a little souleful Chris (see what I did there?), he shows us his rugged side by having ABC send a personal trainer all the way out to Iowa so that he can watch Chris do pushups on haystacks and talk about his regular farm workout regimen. Then he throws on some aviators, rides into the dust (should his motorcycle be ridden so closely to his crops? seems dangerous) to the soundtrack of badass music, on his way to find his woman. Once he arrives in LA we learn that Chris is scared of traffic and clothes and stuff cause he’s just a down home farmer. “I wish I was harvesting corn instead of getting fitted for a three piece suit.” Getting dressed is exhausting, he tells us. Apparently getting undressed is not because we got an obligatory shower scene, and damn have those hay pushups really been working. He’s ready to meet his biddies in waiting now…

Let’s meet Chris’s potential co-harvesters:

Britt-Waitress from Hollywood. She didn’t have sex in her last relationship and clearly misses it, she calls herself a “feeler, for sure” and gives out free hugs on Hollwood Blvd. to strangers. This all was enough to creep me out, but apparently Farmer Chris was on a whole different page than me. Britt gets out of the limo and gives Chris an excrutiatingly long hug and then slips him a coupon for a free hug…for later obvs. When they have some one on one time later they–wait for it–hug. And then Britt tells Chris that she can be his safe haven and they have an almost kiss where they really just stare at each other for a couple minutes. At the end of the night Britt receives the first impression rose saving her from elimination and also Chris follows up the rose with a steamy makeout sesh that was a liiiiittle aggress. Britt makes it more aggress by revealing it feels like she’s kissing her boyfriend. Pump the brakes, gurl. How did they part? With a hug. Duh.

Jillian- News Producer. She gyms real hard in neon tanks and also cheers in front of the monuments of DC. She exits the limo and goes for the tough girl act with Chris. Jillian grabs his muscles and then flexes for him and probably threatened to beat him up or something.

Amanda- Ballet Instructor. Amanda lives at home and is lazy AF, her mom has her fingers crossed she marries this bitch off so she stops free-loading. Amanda chooses the weird meeting route and in the long run it’s a big fail. She slips Chris a note to close his eyes and sneaks up on him from behind to be his “secret admirer” except that when he comes looking for the secret admirer she admits it’s her right away. He really worked for that. She has a set of REAL hard crazy eyes and the cameraman zoomed right in on those bad boys forcing some nightmares at me. No worries though she’s gone–No rose for the crazy eyes.

Whitney- Fertility Nurse, Chicago. Has a whiny nasally voice that makes me want to break my ears off, wants kids STAT, will 100% be the contestant to switch out her birth control and pull a pregnancy trap. Whitney is SUPES outgoing and doesn’t let Chris get a word in edgewise, which is fine because while she’s talking she’s already planning what their children will look like. They have PG talk about sex and it’s lame and boring.

MacKenzie-Dental Assistant. Teen mom who prefers hanging with a one year old than anyone else (read: no friends), wants a dad for her illegitimate son. Doesn’t know what alfalfa is. AND YET STILL GETS A ROSE.

Alissa- Flight Attendant. Compares love to flying WAY too much and talks about nothing else. I was convinced she would redeem herself and then her gimmick when meeting Chris was keeping him safe with an ACTUAL airplane seatbelt that she ACTUALLY strapped on him. Cut the shit Alissa, we GET that you’re a flight attendant but not everything has a correlating airplane metaphor. Brace yourself for more to come because she made it through the cut.

Kelsey- School Counselor Austin TX. Freshly widowed, suuuuper athletic, otherwise boring. Does not stand out to me at all except for maybe being an actual normal person, but she makes the cut anyway.

Kaitlyn- Dance Instructor. Meets Chris and immediately tells him “you can plow the F out of my field any day.” He has the uncomfies and then she picks some shit off of his face makes a crazy jealous gf joke and is off to the races for being the inapprops one. Since her schtick is telling off color jokes, she bangs one out to the crowd of prissy, judgmental girls with Chris and of course one girl doesn’t even get it. Hot crowd. Kaitlyn uses her one on one time with Chris to teach him how to break dance in some comfy yoga pants under her dress and I’m glad we’re keeping her around because we need her to stir shit up.

Megan- Makeup things…that’s all I’ve got for Megan. I don’t even remember her if we’re being honest.

Ashley- Hair Stylist. Her hair looks sexy pushed back. Just kidding, it doesn’t look sexy but it’s pushed back and I wish that it wasn’t. Ashley is the crazy bitch who keeps babbling about onions and tells the WWE wrestler to get lost when she’s talking to Chris. Also rips a pomegranate out of the bushes. Yet she still gets a rose………….

Trina- Special Ed Teacher. Again, I got nothin.

Reegan- Tissue Specialist. This weirdo talks about how she has this great job touching human tissue and stuff and brings Chris a fake heart in a cooler to be like HAHA I’m funny smart and cute wink, wink. And he’s like HAHA that was none of the above- WINK, WINK….and she’s gone.

Tara-Sport Fishing. Tara is our resident hick who shows up in cutoff jorts, plaid shirt and cowboy boots and tells Chris this is who I am so suck on that. She then enters the room of bitches, gets one dirty look and suddenly she cares what everyone thinks and throws on a dress and some wedges to sneak back out and make a better impression. Nailed it. Tara more than made up for her weird double intro by throwing back whiskey all night. Once the rose ceremony rolls around, Tara clearly has the spins and can’t hold her shit together but RIGHT before she boots and passes out, she gets a rose. WUT.

Tandra- Executive Assistant. Tandra rides in on a motorcycle and tries to be badass and cool and stuff and makes a crack about riding on the highway in it even though she entered from stage left and probably wheeled it in. That’s all we need to know about her for now. I can’t even remember if she got a rose or not. Clearly it’s not important.

Jordan- Student. Jordan rolls out of the limo with a nip of Whiskey because she heard it’s Chris’s favorite liquor and they toss it back together. I respect the hell out of this and any one who brought me liquor at the first meeting would get the first impression rose without hesitation…to hell with free hugs, gimme the juice.

Nicole-Real Estate. Nicole debuted with a pig nose on her face to be all tongue and cheek about farm animals but couldn’t hold her ground and got really self-conscious that Chris would actually think she’s an ugly fat pig and so she took it off immeidately and overcompensated by saying I REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS. DON’T WORRY I’M NOT ACTUALLY A PIG, CHRIS!!!! And he said bai when he did not rose her.

Brittany-WWE Wrestler. Brittany showed up in lingerie with a sign that said #soulesmates? Too much. She also didn’t get too much time to chit chat with Chris before girl who shall forever be known as onion pomegranate stole her thunder.

Carly-Cruise Ship Singer. Aaaaaand the most woof entrance award goes to Carly. Wearing a bad 80’s wedding dress or something and carrying a pink karaoke machine, she sang about meeting Chris, as she was meeting Chris. It was bad and awkward and I had to cover my eyes and ears at one point and YET she got a rose.

Tracy-Fourth Grade Teacher. Tracy pulled out the big guns to make Chris remember her…she used her students being cute kids. They wrote notes to Chris about why he should pick her and awww don’t kids say the darndest things that their teacher obviously told them to write so she could get a husband? She also talks about becoming a cat lady in their one on one. She makes it on through.

Bo-Plus Sized Model. Bo talks about how she loves eating and stuff because she’s a plus sized model. Oh…and she was axed.

Amber-Bartender.

Ashley-Nanny. I don’t remember this girl speaking once but she’s basically a Kardashian so she’ll either marry Chris or get a reality show out of it.

Becca-Chiropractic Assistant

Jade-Cosmetics Specialist. Has two kids. WOOF. I guess Chris is into the daddy thing because he kept both mom’s.

Juelia- Estetician. From a REAL Julia, this is an outrageous way to spell our name and I can only hope this bitch doesn’t make it more than 3 episodes because I refuse to type that out.

Kara-Soccer Coach. CUT.

Kimberly- Yoga Instructor. Didn’t hear a peep from her all night (i’m assuming…it’s all a blur now) once she gets axed, she talks about how undeserving this is and then goes back in all teary asking to speak to Chris. CLIFFHANGER…WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

Michelle-Wedding Cake Decorator.

Nikki- Former NFL Cheerleader. Key word=former.

Samantha-Fashion Designer. Nothing really needs to be said about this chick. She’s a fashion designer living in LA, she’s for sure not going to move to Iowa to live on a farm. He’ll probably send her packing after he gets some.

You’ll notice that not all of these women have deets and that’s because I have never had a more difficult time trying to keep track of a bunch of biddies. They all look alike and say stupid shit, the good news is that there were some that were already sent home so we don’t need to know things about them, thank God. There was A LOT of drama halfway through the THREE HOURS that this show took from my life when the ladies and Chris thought that there might only be 15 contestants and every single one of them WOULDN’T stop asking about it. Then Chris Harrison announces that the BIG surprise is there are MORE limos! WHAT A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T READ THE CAST LIST BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED OR ANYTHING. Nice try, Chris Harrison, nice try. Anyway fingers crossed I can keep track better once we start cutting the fat, I’m obviously referring to slob kebab Tara and onion pomegranate who should be the first to go. Will Chris do more macking and free hugging with Britt next week? Will I ever be able to differentiate between the remaining brunettes? Stay tuned to find out!

Pop Culture, Television, Uncategorized

Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People

Sunday night TV was real slow, so I sat down with Babs to see what hard hitting questions she would throw at the most fascinating people of the year and also for the big reveal of number 1. Did you miss it? No worries, I’ll keep this recap short and sweet, like I wish this special would have been.

Babs starts out her intro with “Hi you may remember me, Barbara Walters.” I didn’t realize we had a stand-up comedian hosting this special. The tone was set for a hilarious two hours. She reminded us that this special was supposed to be retired last year because it is tired and she’s picked the same people every single year forever, but ABC wanted more money so they brought it back thirsty for profits and ratings. (Side Note: Barbara’s suuuper expressive eyes after every few words got REAL creepy, REAL quick.)

Scarlett Johansson: Why she is on this list is baffling to me but she talks about how she’s actually short, she believes relationships are hard and monogamy isn’t natural and she’s open about being in therapy. Babs hears that Scarlett got her start in musical theater and DEMANDS that Scarlett sing a number on the spot despite how uncomfortable Scarlett clearly is with the idea. (Who ever declared that Barbara Walters was GREAT at interviewing was seriously wrong. She’s super awk.) Scarlett sings a little bit and looks like she wants to get the hell out of there. It was snoozeworthy at best.

Neil Patrick Harris: It’s hammered home that Neil can literally do everything, including magic. Coming out to his family was tough at first because his dad thought that he would whore out at clubs, now they’re more accepting. I didn’t realize that Neil came out mid-How I Met Your Mother in 2006 after a tabloid threatened to out him. Pretty aggress. Both him and his husband David fathered a child but they don’t know which kid they’re the biological father of. Babs asked multiple times if they would ever want to find out which kid is biologically theirs and NPH had to say no several times. USE YOUR EARS, BABS.

David Koch: Literally no interest level in this person, I turned my ears off. (Also there was a tech guy included in the special, whose name I already forgot because he was NOT fascinating to me.)

Chelsea Handler: She had to clear the air for the 1000th time that she never wanted to replace Letterman because she’s not a network girl and will never want to be censored or have to follow rules. Revealed that her oldest brother died when she was growing up because he fell off of a cliff and this is possibly why her dad is such a maniac. Good ole Chels got a DUI when she was 21 and had recently moved to Hollywood and in her class that she was required to take afterward she got up and was telling stories and someone told her she should be a standup and that’s where that came about. Love that hot mess. She said she would consider getting married just to try it for a little bit. Babs told Chels with her eyes that it was wrong to be so slutty and loose. Judgement city.

Oprah: Barbara reminds us that she’s interviewed Oprah four million times. Oprah has no regrets about not having kids, her and Stedman are still going strong. O talks about being sexually assualted at a young age and then becoming skanktastic and getting pregnant at 14 and being sent to live with her dad who told her he’d rather have her dead than pregnant. Uh oh. Surprise! Oprah ended up losing the baby and it became her “second chance” and her life became completely different. Babs and Oprah slobber all over each other and talk about how they’re obsessed with each other and end the interview with a creepy smile handshake.

Michael Strahan: Michael used to be a heffer, Jane Fonda tapes made him skinny. He’s been married a couple of times and the first marriage was casj and they’re still friends, the second marriage ended wooftastic and it was in the tabs that he was gay or he cheated and Michael proved to be a real stand-up guy, kept quiet and took all the backlash because he didn’t want to disgrace his kids. He also never wants to fix the gap in his teeth. (B.Walterz really digs deep with her questions.)

George RR Martin: I can’t physically listen to this guy talk because I have never seen/read Game of Thrones. Literally no idea what he’s talking about half the time. Apparently he finds it offensive when people say he’s going to croak before he finishes writing the series. I wonder why he would find that offensive…

Taylor Swift: This interview was WAY too short. Basically they talked played out questions, Tay told America that every time they say she’s gonna write a song about a boy it’s the oldest joke and basically the media is a bunch of sexist pigs because they would never say that about men writing about their personal lives. GET EM TAY. Also she talks about how in the past five years she hasn’t been alone (YIKES), kicking it with her fans at her houseS and looking at their instagrams keeps her grounded and she DOES drink alcohol, she’s 25 after all. Also she’s serious about being single these days (yawn).

DRUMROLL PLEASE. The most fascinating person according to Ms. Barbara Walters is Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney. Here’s what I don’t understand…she just talks about Amal. There is no interview, I’m assuming there’s no consent from Amal so WHAT is the point of this? Instead Bab’s shows a bunch of clips of her interviewing George Clooney and basically makes it all about him and how he swore up and down that he would never get married and all the people that he dated since he said that. I’m sure this was really uplifting for Amal, as she watches the segment about her that Barbara Walters clearly just googled and reported over a backdrop of public photos in a slideshow. What a crock of bullshit. You tricked us all, Babs. (Just me? Oh ok.)

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “First to Have a Second Chance”

This is the last new episode until February 4^th so let’s cherish these last moments together. Remember how we’ve been watching the same story lines for 9 weeks now and nothing has really been happening? Well this episode is exactly like the others, EXCEPT for the last 10 minutes, because it’s the “fall finale” you see, and the writers are specifically paid to cram as many cliffhangers into the last moments as humanly possible, cause ratings. So we all have that to look forward to….at the end of this blog. HAHA I CAN DO IT TOO. Keeping you guys on the edge of your seat, nailed it. Let’s talk boring shit first.

Remember how Layla slept with Jeff Fordham and we were all like oh, honey? Well she falls right into that trap that we all saw from miles away and this week she starts flirty texting him like they’re both in 8^th grade. “Excited for your party tonight!” “Are you bringing a date?” She types with a shit eating grin on her face and we all cover our eyes knowing what’s about to happen. I didn’t know that Jeff Fordham was going to become my favorite person this week. I think it’s finally gotten to the point where he’s so greasy and evil that it’s actually hilarious now. Jeff tells Will that there’s rumors about him being gay, you know, cause he’s gay, and Will’s like hey let’s just keep ignoring those, no biggie. Jeff’s not into that though, so he gives one of my favorite lines of the night when he tells Will to “butch it up.” YES. Will takes this to mean that he should force his wife Layla to come on tour with him, but she’s already planning her wedding to Jeff so she politely says nah I’m dating a straight now while she’s texting him heart emojis. Will sees the two of them mingling at Jeff’s Christmas party and puts two and two together because they are NOT discreet with their “I’m going to put a santa hat on you and we’ll giggle” style of flirting. Will addresses Jeff about banging his wife and smooth moves Jeff delivers my second favorite line of the night, “Clearly she’s not getting it at home so it’s better that she get it from me than some stranger.” Jeff laying pipe because SOMEBODY’S gotta do it. But then of course Layla gets sloppy drunk and throws herself at the Jeffster and he’s like no thank you, please stop and girl goes OFF. Jeff pays her in pills to calm the F down because giving pills to a depressed wasted white girl always ends in butterflies and rainbows. Oh, also Will sleeps with a random chick at the party to prove he’s not gay. (Have I typed that same sentence before? Anyway…)

Speaking of random chicks, remember Kiley the actual mom of Micah the most annoying kid in the world who acts way too much like a toddler to be like 8 years old? Yeah his grandparents come into town because it turns out they’re his legal guardians since their daughter up and peaced out. Gunnar, the gleaming dad is PEZZED because he’s all about Micah now and he’s taking the grandparents to court for custody. Gunnar lawyers up and they focus WAY too much on how he has to take a paternity test to prove he’s the father and since we’re not idiots we all know this means Gunnar isn’t the real father. Gunnar entertains the grandparents at the house and they all have a nice family dinner where Micah tells them how he got to go to the CMA’s but doesn’t tell them how he got lost going to the goddamn bathroom. The grandparents declare their hate for Gunnar because he used to be a jailbird. Micah’s obviously listening at the top of the stairs and wah-wahing.

You know who else is calling the wahmbulance this episode? Deacon because it’s Rayna’s wedding weekend and he’s on high alert to hit the sauce again. Scarlett decides to babysit him in Memphis and they hit the town booze free. They start out by watching some ducks swim around a fountain, then they find a karaoke bar where they get onstage SOBER because they’re professional singers and become the people everyone hates at a karaoke bar. If you can actually sing you don’t belong at karaoke, stop making everyone else look bad. Then Deacon tells Scarlett he doesn’t feel well and goes home, sees a magazine cover of Ruke/Layna, gets the scaries, throws shit around and then apparently passes out on the floor to be found by Scarlett later, unconscious.

Whoa things got dark there for a second, let’s bring it back up with Juliette and Avery folding baby clothes and having a way too casual conversation about how they’re going to handle having a baby and not being together. Juliette just happens to toss it out there that she does have a guest room and oh wait, would you look at that, here’s your spare key to the house that just happened to be lying around. I think we all know how these two are at this point..Avery’s all for it, then he has a little freak out about it and then everything’s ok again because they’re having a baby and they love each other and Jeff Fordham who?! Meanwhile, Sadie Stone is in the recording studio and who shows up? Her ex-husband Pete who’s demanding dollaz for her songs about him. They have an intense moment when Sadie tells Pete to GTFO and then Avery shows up and they start recording and having a heart to heart about their exes. There was an uncomfortably long moment when they were both committed to head bopping and gazing into each other’s eyes serenading and I wondered how any human could possibly stare that long without feeling weird. And then Sadie talks about how her ex-husband is an asshole but she doesn’t regret marrying him and tells Avery that it’s impossible to be friends with an ex. Hi, I’m a red flag, nice to meet ya.

Another red flag that I choose to ignore but is still occurring on a weekly basis is Bach. Teddy being creepy and gross with his call girl(friend). They’re back at it again this week, banging in front of the Christmas tree, ah the holidays, wonder why that was omitted from the Rayna James Christmas Special. Was this penetration sesh a Christmas gift for Teddy or will he be charged for this one? I’m guessing it was added to his tab because later on, after Teddy is browsing pictures of his daughters post-whoring it out, he comes to his senses and tells his hooker girlfriend NO MORE. Teddy’s done writing checks for sex because pics of his kids remind him he has a heart of gold, or something?

And onto the main event that everyone (no one) has been waiting for, Rayna’s wedding to Luke that all of us knew was never going to happen and yet the show still constantly teased us WHAT WILL RAYNA DO like their viewers are a bunch of morons. Rayna models her wedding dress that I hated real hard, which is a good thing we only saw her wear it in front of the mirror and guess what ya’ll, Tandy’s back in town!! Remember her? Yeah, me neither. She’s here to tell Rayna that pre-wedding jitters are aok and also to insult her last wedding dress that was also hideous. Since Rayna can’t do anything without having it sponsored or filmed anymore, America would like her to extend the Honeymoon Tour with Luke for another 6 months and Rayna’s done being famous now that she whored herself out to the media and instantly regretted it so she tells Luke she’s not into extending the tour. Luke acts like the dream fiance when he assures Rayna that it’s her decision and he’ll do whatever makes her happy. REEEALLLLYY laying it on thick to sympathize with Luke when Rayna stomps on his heart later, one last ditch effort to get the Team Deaconites to switch sides. Ain’t happenin. A little conflict occurs when Rayna tells the girls that she’s going to stay home with them and not keep touring and leaving them to run the house for months at a time. Maddie declares that Rayna can feel free to keep abandoning them because they’re going to boarding school like Luke’s kids do, and Luke approved it. Hm, Rayna should you throw your teenage horny daughter into a college setting with her step brother that she can’t stop making out with? Although that could make for quality TV, Rayna gives a hard no. Then she has the same exact fight with Luke that she’s been having all season about living less like famous, rich divas and they passive aggressively duke it out ending every sentence with babe of course. PLEASE LET THERE BE AN END TO THE CONSTANT “BABE-ING” SOON. It’s like the writers read my mind because after the babe-off, Rayna kicks her wedding doubts into high gear. She tears up at her rehearsal dinner when Maddie and Daphne perform a song they wrote for her and there’s paparazzi all up in their grillpieces, then there’s a lengthy dramatic scene with sad music as Rayna stares at her wedding dress, then her engagement ring from Deacon, then the Rolling Stone, milking this shit for all it’s worth. And FINALLY, the morning of the wedding, with her hair for the first time ever looking anything but fabulous, Rayna breaks it off with Luke among their thousands of funded by People Magazine white chairs and gives him the ole it’s not you it’s me speech. That was cold, Ray. Luke throws some chairs like a tough guy, maybe trying to be more like Deacon to change her mind? Doesn’t matter because Rayna has already committed, taking off that heavy ass ring and having a quick sob sesh in the car.

Rayna breaking off the wedding is the catalyst for all OH SHIT moments that we so greatly deserve. They’re fired at us like bullets from the gun that killed Teddy’s fake pregnant mistress one by one. First up, Avery proposes to Juliette in the most unromantic way possible making her believe he’s not moving in and then saying let’s get married and crushing her with a fierce kiss. I suddenly hate the two of them because Juliette is so desperate to have him back that she’s like Ok cool and they get married and she wears fabric flowers in her hair. They probably got sick of me taunting them to just get back together already and stop being such teases. Second, Sadie’s ex-husband that I was bored with for being a played out story line proves me wrong with one swift punch to her face after he shows up at her door. PETE KO’S SADIE. Now THAT’S the story line we all deserved. (For the record this is not me condoning abuse…unless it’s in fictional TV with a boring character…then it gets real interesting, real quick) Third, Layla is “do something very regrettable” drunk and hits those pills Jeff gave her like nobody’s biz. She’s found face down in the same pool that Teddy and the hooker skinny-dipped in. Instead of calling the cops, Jeff calls his fellow slimeball bro Teddy to make it better quick. Fourth, Deacon wakes up in the hospital and as it turns out he wasn’t drinking, his liver just took a 30 second TO and also he might have cancer. (Timing is everything.) Just as Scarlett is getting weepy about that, fourth, Gunnar shows up super weepy himself and chokes out that he’s not Micah’s father, but his dead brother Jason IS. BOOM. ZING. ELECTRIC. This is some soap opera shit, guys. They sob it up about that and Rayna drives off into the sunset with a creepy half smile on her face. Where is she going? NOBODY KNOWS. Just kitten. Everybody knows she’s gonna go hit up Deacon for sloppy fifths but now he might be terminally ill, so that complicates things. Hold on to your hats, folks, we have to wait until February to see how this all plays out. Predictions are welcome below!

Random Highlights:

-When Maddie is making her sales pitch for boarding school she says “Even Dad’s been like SUPER busy lately.” Hmm, I wonder ~~who~~ what he could possibly be so busy doing, Mads.

-Sadie gifts Rayna with a coin for her wedding? Was that a real thing that happened or did I imagine that?

-There’s definite eye sex between Maddie and Colt at the rehearsal dinner during their little song. Get it gurl.

-I spent far too many minutes this episode trying to figure out what the F was up with Tandy’s hair. I sort of recall a story line when she was still clinging onto the show for dear life about her chopping her hair off but it appeared as though the makeup/hair dept. really half assed it and just pulled her hair back for this episode and told the cameramen to avoid any angle that might reveal it. They didn’t do a great job. Either way her hair looked super uggz and I’m hoping that she gets shipped back to San Fran or wherever she scampered off to real soon. No need for another dead-end character hogging up my recaps.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Two Sides to Every Story”

I hope that everyone had a nice break from Nashville and had some time to reflect on why we still watch this show. Yet here we are coming back for more in hopes of a new song to cancel out a full scene of Juliette riding a handicapped scooter with a scarf covering her face. I’m pleased to announce that this week we got one. We finally got a quality song! But more on that later…Let’s begin with our side piece this week that may soon grow into a character with an interesting story line…Sadie Stone. The writers realized that throwing in a dumb text from an ex was not the story we deserved from Sadie and decided instead to enter her into the bang triangle of Avery and Gunnar, like many (every single) a Nashville beauty before. It’s perfect timing really, Zoey has just exited, Gunnar is looking for some rebound lovin (and a mom for his kid…who unfortunately is still around). Avery is still doing the do-si-do with deciding if he’s gong to re-up with Juliette and let’s be real, she’s only getting bigger and crazier by the minute. Sadie sits down to co-write with Gunnar and he tries to lay it on thick for her, we all know Gunnar does his best flirting while song writing, but instead of ending in a hookup it ends in Sadie offering for her manager to show up to one of Gunnar’s band’s (that is currently dunzo) gigs so long as Gunnar can find a producer for Sadie’s record. And just like that, Avery is entered into the mix, meeting with Sadie at the band’s gig and trying to charm is way into her pants—sorry—recording studio.

Since all of the young’ns on Nashville are tied because they’ve all porked each other at some point, crazypants Juliette gets involved because she overheard all this going down and was like hey this is around the time when I can blame everything I do on pregnancy hormones. She grabs that wet blanket of an assistant/friend and starts tailing Avery to see if he’s moving on. Of course, we all remember too vividly that this is when the aforementioned motorized scooter slapstick comedy of Juliette wearing a scarf on her head and taking down a tent at the music festival occurs. Avery catches her spying because WHO WOULDN’T SPOT HER?! It’s like looking for the Loch-ness Monster on land. They have a little conflict where Avery pulls the “I’m trying to provide for our child and you blew it!” card, shaming Juliette into sitting down with Sadie and selling Avery for the producer job. Juliette promises not to be a jelly belly (can we get that in writing?), Sadie agrees, and we take another step forward with Juliette and Avery getting back together. Except now we have Sadie who will be working with Avery closely on her album…hmmm….

At the same music festival where gangster Juliette was joy riding at speeds of 1 mph, Layla and Will decide to attend wearing “disguises”. Layla declares at the beginning of the episode, “I’m tired of us.” Me too, Layla, me too…you walked right into that one really. Apparently her and I have different solutions for how to not be tired of them–I would assume that means they leave the show, they decided instead to wear hipster beanies and sunglasses to the music festival deeming them TOTALLY anonymous. This will go great until Will inevitably looks for a penetration buddy…and it took just about no time for that to occur. Will sees that a bartender is gay and turns into an after school special asking him what it’s like to be gay. Obviously a confused and closeted Will sees this as flirting and then gets sloppy drunk and tries to kiss the bartender later, ending in some dramatics and oh wait he’s still in the closet and we’ve seen the same story line with him for 2 seasons now. Our other half of the reality couple has decided to play kumbaya on the floor of a tent without the sunglasses, but no one recognizes her so it’s, okay…except of course for Jeff Fordham who is surprised that she’s good! It’s okay Jeff, pretty much everyone is. Jeff starts being nice to Layla and I think I speak for everyone when I say there’s absolutely a catch here, we just don’t know what it is yet. The fact that we don’t know is reason enough to celebrate because we’ve finally gotten an unpredictable story line, predictable in the sense that we know Jeff will screw Layla over, unpredictable in that we don’t know how. He continues to slobber all over her with that slimy snake grin of his, even playing the guitar for her, no singing though. Tease. Obviously Layla falls for this hook, line and sinker, mostly because she’s having a conversation with someone who hasn’t brought up how dumb she is once, so she sleeps with him of course.

While Layla is convinced that the grimiest guy in the music biz has changed, Zoey is still trying to claw her way to a record deal or any sort of recognition for anything that she does….she’d settle for just a purpose for being on this show. Gunnar puts the band back together to impress Sadie’s manager, who tells them they could be the next Lady A and Zoey hears this and you can actually see her start to drool. While she’s planning the fame, money and touring in her mind, she realizes that Gunnar isn’t as into it and he confesses he put the band back together so that he can trick her into being stepmommy Zoey again. Yikes. Zoey storms off and declares to Scarlett that she’s no longer wanted here (HOW DID IT TAKE THIS LONG FOR HER TO REALIZE?!)

Scarlett is pretty preoccupied because she has become homeless Terry’s manager, essentially, although she acts like more of a stage mom. She books a performance for him and then forces him into interviews and when he gets onstage we all wait for his breakdown, and boy does he deliver. Although it’s no Scarlett 2.0 cowering under a piano and screeching, it’s still weird. Terry runs through the crowd covering his face and hits the streets again, brown baggin it with his fellow homeless squad. Scarlett goes after him and he basically tells her everything we’ve all been thinking. Stop being a pussy bitch and get back on the stage to perform again. Fired up from Terry’s boozey words, and also realizing that Zoey peaced on the band, Scarlett slinks her way right in and Gunnar, Scarlett and Avery perform the song of the night! Besides the cheesetastic pans to Micah in the crowd singing along to his dad’s songs, this performance is the stuff. They ARE the next Lady A singing a song called “Borrow My Heart”, the crowd’s into it, and I couldn’t wait to see Zoey’s reaction. You’ve officially been erased from Nashville, gurl, baiiiiiii. The manager calls Gunnar after this sasstastic performance and twists the knife deeper saying that the band is even better with Scarlett. Oooh Burn. Zing. Zoey. Gunnar turns down the manager’s offer for that stupid kid who will now ruin the rest of his music career forever. Whatever, I got a taste of a good song and now all we can hope for is a Scarlett/Gunnar song in the near future now that Zoey is outta here. Good riddance.

And finally, separate from the music festival that everyone who’s anyone is at (we separate the olds from the youngs this week), it’s Christmas special time at Rayna’s (while Deacon sits in his house listening to Alanis Morisette with the lights out.) Hollywood has taken over Rayna’s house with their over the top Christmas decorations because girl will literally do anything for press now. The Rolling Stone mag comes out and Rayna puts on a show pretending that she didn’t say things the way they printed it, hey Rayna cut the shit, we all saw you sell your sexy Deacon story to cover up the mess of incest that is occurring with your sullen teenage daughter. She tries to catch Deacon before he gets his eyes on that tell-all but whoops too late, Deacon’s already read it 10 times and stained the pages with his tears and he’s avoiding her calls. Luke’s like hey Rayna why are you so obsessed with Deacon and this story and also would you like to shower with me? Rayna says a hard no. And we’re all like, hey Luke, it’s about time you clue in that you’re wedding will not ever actually happen and Rayna would rather have sex with Deacon. Rayna finally gets a chance to go to Deacon’s house and talk to him, giving us all false hope that she’ll slide right back into his arms but instead he declares his undying love for her and she tells him to move on because she CLEARLY has. Oh, have you, Rayna? Meanwhile, she complains the whole episode about how the cameras are always around and her family traditions are ruined and Luke reminds her that she did all this greedy shit to get more famous….Catch 22. #celebrityproblems. That pretty much sums up our time with Rayna/Deacon/Luke this week. Oh yeah, and Deacon tears a sticker of Rayna off his guitar case. It’s like ripping a band aid off–he’s over her now. Just kidding, he’s still obsessed with her and wanted to be dramats.

Random Highlights:

-Lexi, the PA, asking Rayna for an autograph and also assuring that she never works in Hollywood again. Props to Rayna for doing exactly what any celeb would do in that situation though, “what’s your name again?”

-Rayna wears a stupid lacey pirate shirt for far longer than my eyes can handle in this episode.

-Scarlett is probably the ugliest cryer on this earth. Her crying is uglier than Kim Kardashian and that says everything.

-Ruke/Layna compare themselves to Johnny and June and then do a hideously awkward and cringeworthy rendition of Baby It’s Cold Outside with a slew of pre-song banter that gave me all the uncomfies. I’ve never wanted to unsee or unhear something any harder. But Happy Holidays, Ya’ll!

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“You’re Lookin’ At Country”

Here it is folks, the moment we’ve all been waiting for since the first preview 3 weeks ago and 1000 teasers in between …the fake but creepily realistic CMA’s. There were more than a few times that I had to literally tell myself that these are fictional country singers and that I already watched the real CMA’s. Everyone who is anyone is at the CMA’s, which of course means has-beens Scarlett and Deacon are watching from the couch. (To be fair Deacon was invited but he’s all about the music and not about the awards, or so he says, realistically he’s avoiding the Rayna show live.) And make no mistake about it, the CMA’s this year are ALL about Rayna, and we finally get to see the thread of Ruke/Layna’s sham of a relationship begin to unravel more and more…and it is glorious.

The couple doomed from the start, kicks off the CMA’s with Rayna stumbling upon Luke’s pre-nup which will be discussed ad nauseum when Rayna isn’t snatching up all the awards. Don’t worry Rayna, you won’t make it to the altar so there is no need to be concerned about the pre-nup, girl. She forgets about it for a little while when they sit front row at the CMA’s (I mean, obviously) and Rayna starts her winning streak, ya’ll. Award after award she thanks everyone but Luke and we get to see him lose his cool and hit the bottle. Jealousy’s not a good look on you, Luke. Her first thank you is to Deacon…then Liam–essentially she reads a list of all the musicians she’s banged, on live television. GIRL POWER. Luke reacts with some seriously bitchy eye rolls and refills his whiskey. Now this is an awards show where I was waiting on the edge of my seat to see the audience cam on Luke rather than Taylor Swift’s dance moves for a change. His jelly belly reactions were a show all by itself. Finally the CMA’s throw him a bone for his first win-with Rayna of course-for ball and chain. The worst song I’ve ever heard, if we’re being honest. Luke gets his time to act out and it is SO worth it. He grabs the mic, gives a sly backhanded thank you along the lines of, “Rayna should feel blessed and lucky that I chose her to duet with” and then big times her off the stage before she can thank the guy she lost her virginity to. This of course causes Rayna to follow Luke into the men’s room where they duke it out. Luke goes all mean girl and drops a truth bomb right in Ray’s grillpiece that the only reason Rayna got a gold record is because he proposed to her on the day she released it. BOOM. ROASTED. Sassy Luke is here to stay! Just kidding…he grovels immediately after the show and everything is AOK (wink, wink). Also because when Rayna wins Entertainer of the Year she is the mature, bigger person and after thanking her girls (I too, was thankful that they were absent, probably canoodling with their future stepbrothers) and shouting it out to women in country music, Rayna looks right at Luke and with a fake smile says “what’s mine is yours, I share this with you.” Take notes, ladies, because that’s how to deliver a burn. Say it with your eyes, not your words. Although the reporter asking Luke how he likes being Mr. Rayna James worked wonders as well. Here’s to hoping that the writers cut this Ruke/Layna shit soon because another few months of hearing the overuse of babe and I love you to soothe the tension in this relationship will be unbearable.

From one floundering couple to the next, we get to see the tried and true formula for Juliette and Avery’s story line of a problem leading to them almost getting back together again. At this rate they’ll be reuniting in no time. Juliette shows off her 12 months pregnant baby belly in her designer gown and we all get to relish the realism of this show. This is a real dramatic episode for Juliette as she keeps having druggie mama flashbacks and memories resurfacing of her trailer trash childhood. Avery shows us a different side when we meet his parents and soon learn that his dad is a real dick. This episode is about them trying to grasp that they might end up terrible parents because their examples sucked. We get to see Juliette as an 8 year old, red pumps wearing, hussy leaving a child at home and hittin the clubs, which was a real treat. In the end though, once Avery and Juliette share a touching baby moment, it’s a girl…Juliette peeked of course, they both decide that they’re going to be bomb ass parents and then Avery takes her home and unzips her dress and we have about one episode left until he gives in. Also I sincerely wish that they will stop making sexual innuendos between these two until after the birth because she is seriously huge, like Kim Kardashian orca status.

Although the CMA’s are the main focus of the night, the writers can’t help but stir up even more drama at the awards show by making Gunnar’s son go missing in an enclosed arena with a shit ton of security. The fresh parents get caught up in the glitz and glamour of Nashville’s biggest night and allow Micah to go to the bathroom by himself…which I think we all assumed he could handle considering he’s basically in middle school. Well the kid proved to be a moron and got lost looking for the bathroom and instead of just asking someone to lead him back to his dad’s seat..the guy was nominated for an award I think people would be able to figure out where he is…a big scene is created instead. In true Gunnar fashion, he immediately blames Zoey for losing the little runt and then promptly misses winning his first CMA while looking for him. Gunnar has completely lost his chill and basically files a missing persons report with the event policeman…he’s been gone for 10 minutes Gunnar, have you ever seen a cop show? Kid’s gotta be gone for 48 hours before you can report him missing, duhs. Finally when they find the little booger he demands to just go home. Kids literally ruin everything. Zoey realizes that as well and we get our most rewarding moment of the episode when she FINALLY breaks up with Gunnar because he treats her like the toilet paper that was probably stuck to Micah’s shoe. One dead end relationship down, one more to go.

My honorable mentions for side stories this week go out to Layla doing everything she can to shed the dumbass Jessica Simpson label. Reading a diss about herself straight from the teleprompter didn’t help her case so she rebounded with a quick fact about how she deferred Harvard. This led to someone remixing it for Youtube and easily being 100x more interesting and entertaining than her reality show or their lame duet performance. Screaming crowds of fan girls throwing their panties at Will was ironic at best during said performance– so it looks like we’re going to continue to keep him locked tightly in the closet for the foreseeable future. The writers attempted to give Sadie a storyline but it was so lame it deserved no more than 5 minutes of our time. She’s got an ex-boyfriend named Pete who wants a cut of her song about him. Yeah, yeah, go cry to Taylor Swift, Sadie, I’m sure she’s been there before. Yawn city. And unfortunately we see the return of Bachelor Teddy this week as he pursues his gutterslut call girl during the awards. Ugh.

Top Cringeworthy Moments:

-Gunnar combing his son’s hair before the awards like a mom.I half expected him to lick his finger and get a smudge off his face too.

-Bachelor Teddy making slimy comments about “pleasing his constituents” and then taking his hooker into the back room for a quickie. It was on the house…her treat.

-Whatever the people in post production did to create a very creepy life-like 8 year old Juliette with her present day face. I don’t know how it was done but it was suuuuper weird.

-Jeff Fordham approaching Zoey with a possible offer to join his women-hating record label and she lapped that shit right up.

We get another two week break from this debauchery, so please use it wisely. The next new episode will be Christmas and what looks like a realllyyyy cheesy Christmas carol duet with Ruke/Layna but if that text from Deacon was any indication, shit’s about to get real, real quick.

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“I’m Coming Home To You”

Welcome back, Nashies. Remember how they promoted the fake CMA’s tirelessly? Yeah we get another week of that apparently…they’re really milking this. Thanks for the tease, ABC. This episode starts out with a 2 months later time stamp. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they did this JUST so they could show an actually IRL (in real life) pregnant Juliette Barnes/Hayden Panettiere and stop assuming their viewers are a bunch of dum dums who think she’s just gained some face weight. On the subject of Juliette, her and Avery have transitioned from hating each other to a bickering dysfunctional couple preparing for a baby. It seems each week we’re going to start with Avery delivering zingers to Juliette and slowly warming up to her by the end of the episode. (Until they’re inevitably back together, just in time for baby’s arrival). This week’s installment started with Juliette reminding Avery that they had sex to make this baby and him replying, “Well all we’re having now is a baby” in front of the super uncomfy doctor. Burn baby burn. But then slowly but surely Avery bought the top of the line crib (this baby will be a superstar after all) and agreed to lamaze classes at the end and–cue cliche baby moment– feels the baby kick. Also the Nashville twitter account took it upon themselves to refer to Nashville’s future Blue Ivy as “Javery’s” baby and I vomited all over the place. WHEN WILL IT END?!

Speaking of puke, in two months time, Gunnar, Zoey and Micah became a little domestic happy family of uncommon names, right down to father and son playing catch in the yard and stepmommy Zoey yelling out that dinner’s ready. We obviously soon learn that Zoey hates being a housewife and is still thirsty for fame, while boyfriend of the year Gunnar doesn’t think she’s mad about it because “she hasn’t complained”. It’s all in the eyes, Gunnar, all in the eyes. Micah’s actual mom wins mom of the year by immediately shoving her son off on Gunnar and Zoey in pursuit of a boyfriend. Let this be a lesson, don’t let your kids get in your way of your dreams. Quick observation: every time Gunnar hugs ANYONE, I expect to see Zoey peering out from around the corner with crazy eyes. These two (now three) have a bright future.

Another bright future coming our way is the new and improved Layla Grant. Apparently in her two month break she put down the mini bottles and decided to channel her anger into some new tunes. The debut of her quiet Bambi-like personality raised a few red flags with me that it was just a scheme but it seemed to hold up and she got out of her own way to write a decent song that everyone, including her closeted husband, was a little too surprised at. Yikes, Layla, even your friends thought you sucked. We got to see a peaceful Will and Layla for about half of the episode until they attend the premiere of their reality show “Love and Country”. Apparently dumb and dumber are the only two young people in America who don’t know how reality shows work. Reality shows are for showing excessive and unnecessary drama for ratings and this one really delivered. If it were a real show I’d totes watch it. Apparently we’re far removed enough from the Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica days to be completely copying it because they made Layla into Jessica Simpson 2.0. For the record, there was a laugh track to her trying to use a can opener (for chicken or tuna?) and I object. I know firsthand how hard can openers are to use, having broken every one I’ve ever touched and almost needing a tetanus shot last year after resorting to a butcher knife. I stand by Layla on this one. SHIT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

You know what else is impossible? Juggling the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and family bonding time. (Feel free to start giving me awards for these smooth transitions). Rayna pouts this episode that decisions are the woooorst as she chooses fame over QT. Dramatic sigh. A nosy reporter follows her around all weekend as she makes wedding plans with Luke and he finally shows some emotion–he’s horny, guys. There are about 4 instances when Luke brings it to our attention that they’ve been apart for a LOOOONGG time. Even an ode to long distance sex when he says Skype just isn’t the same. Finally Rayna gives him the sassy one-finger gesture (…the one moms give to their annoying kids to tell them to wait quietly) and Luke loses his SHIT. Uh, uh honey. He exclaims in the parking lot “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HELD HANDS!!” We get it Luke, you need to bone…stat. They probably would’ve gotten down to biz but they were sidetracked by finding their kids macking it in the dark on the couch, with reporter in tow. EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT, A-LIST INCEST. Calm down guys, Colt defends it, “we were just making out, it’s NBD.” We can clearly see why he’s so irresistible. Maddie’s obv going through a bad boy phase. Rayna sits Maddie down for an incest chat and then has to pimp out her history with Deacon to the Rolling Stone reporter just so that her twat of a daughter isn’t tabloid shamed. All is well with Ruke/Layna at the end as they slow dance and say wedding vows (this is the only time this will ever happen on the show so cherish it.)

Alright let’s wrap it up with the minor story lines of the week. The throwaways, if you will. Deacon had a cold, continued to talk about Rayna and finally kicked ole Pammy to the curb (hopefully for good). Scarlett and homeless friend with the voice of an angel, Terry, wrote music and decided to face their fears together by hitting the stage for a duet at the Bluebird obv. Also we learn that Terry’s whole family is dead, because of course. Bachelor Teddy and his frat bro buddy Jeff Fordham took a week off, probably in Vegas doing coke and banging strippers.

Things to look forward to:

-Deacon probably almost hitting the sauce again and some angry confrontations once that unauthorized tell-all hits the tabs.

-Better songs…this week we had four and they were pretty lackluster. Rayna’s straight up sucked, but she tried to distract by showing everything but nip in a sparkly dress on DWTS. Juliette’s has potential but it’s not fiery like I know she can be, Layla’s was bleh and Scarlett’s duet with Terry I could take or leave. NEED some fresh Scarlett & Gunnar tunes STAT.

-More of Nashville’s “dramatic statement+guitar riff leads to commercial break” formula. Turn it into a drinking game every time this happens, I dare you. I would’ve been hammy sammied if I drank every time it happened in last night’s epi.

-Sage. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s mystery child and I’m guessing Rayna has for the first time too –we need more. What’s Sage’s deal? Does she also make sick beats like her bad boy bro Colt?

-The implosion of Ruke/Layna at the CMA’s next week. *Insert guitar riff*

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap- “Nobody Said It Was Going to Be Easy”

If any of you still watch Nashville despite the bad story lines, hoping for a glimpse of good music, you’re in luck because I’ve decided to start recapping it weekly so that we can all laugh at it’s silliness together. If you haven’t seen the latest episode, or you’re planning on binge watching Nashville when it inevitably gets cancelled and shuffled to Netflix, all recaps WILL contain spoilers. Can we really call them spoilers if we already predicted they would happen though?

This week’s episode started off showing the rushing of a secretly pregnant Juliette to the hospital. As a quick side note, I’d like you to name ONE show with a pregnant character that doesn’t have the “You could lose the baby” moment. Answer: there are none. In fact there are some shows (I’m looking at you, One Tree Hill) that give every single pregnant character a miscarriage scare. Let’s maybe T it down with the almost killing babies for ratings, network TV. Anyway we later find out that Juliette has a complicated *but only because she’s a touring country superstar* rare blood disease. Naturally everything will be smooth sailing as long as she stops bopping around stage every night. Who would’ve thought?

After all that baby mama drama, we get to the real meat of the show, the CMA’s. This is Nashville, you know. Rayna sits down to watch the noms with her new bestie Sadie Stone. Has anyone else noticed that Rayna turns into a sorority girl when she’s with Sadie? Chill, girl, it’s unbecoming of Nashville’s number 1 star, and a mom of teenagers to have a case of the giggles around Sadie. Obviously Rayna and Luke get the most noms, Rayna’s mock surprise face deserves all of the Oscars. Also props to the writers for throwing in a nom for Taylor Swift two days after she released her first pop album, probably time to let that go. This sparks a little friendly competition between Ruke/Layna/Who Cares because they will obviously not get married. This also sparks some of the thirstiest cross promotion I have ever seen in a show. Were we watching Nashville or Good Morning America…or Dancing with the Stars? We get it ABC, you need more young viewers, please be less aggress about it. Speaking of cross promotion, Sara Evans makes a cameo on Luke’s stage and Luke is demoted to a backup singer. I was ALL for this. The song was great and helped erase my traumatic flashbacks to Luke’s TERRIBLE hillbilly serenade to Rayna a couple weeks ago. First great performance of the night.

The second great performance of the night was Deacon’s. After blondie backup singer (I’m not bothering to learn her name because she’ll be gone soon enough) got sassy with him and asked him to stop being country music’s Oscar the Grouch, he responded by turning a fancy party into a campfire sing-along. I loved the song and it was great to see Deacon end his surly teen phase that he undoubtedly picked up from Maddie. I could’ve absolutely done without blondie backup singer joining in trying to be the next Rayna inspiration. Here’s to hoping Deacon stops slumming it soon and actually gets a storyline besides longing for Rayna.

Speaking of characters with no story lines, let’s talk about Teddy for a second, shall we? Jeff Fordham’s protégé, if you will. Now that Teddy has added a little gel to his hair, he thinks he’s smooth. Bachelor Teddy, as I will call him from now on, should probably learn that chatting up escorts about his daughters is the opposite of smooth. Bachelor Teddy went from trying to be smooth to just giving me all the uncomfies when he made out with the escort poolside and then ended the night exchanging frat bro handshakes with Jeff. Thankfully the call from the cops about Maddie’s rager put a stop to this creepy bromance…for now. No update needed for Maddie, as she is still an insufferable teenager of celebrity parents.

And lastly, there’s Gunnar and the discovery that he’s now a father. REALLY preying on Zoey’s insecurities here aren’t we? Cut to shocked Zoey walking in on a family hug. Zoey and Gunnar are on the rocks because Zoey spies on him constantly so obviously let’s give him a secret child. Fist bump, Nashville writers. Things are about to get real emosh. with Gunnar bringing up his dead brother every 4 seconds, so let’s all mentally prepare for that impending breakdown.

Welp that pretty much sums it up, folks. Oh wait; Scarlett came back to Nashville to befriend a homeless man. Also Will & Layla are in the exact same place they were 6 episodes ago. Okay, that’s REALLY it now. Buckle down for a Nashville-free week coming up. Use your free time to imagine which character Rayna & Teddy’s new nanny will bang. My money’s on a Bachelor Teddy/Nanny tryst.

The Salty Ju

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