Full disclozsh: this blog is specifically for One Tree Hill superfans like myself, others will find it very, very weird.
This weekend was a One Tree Hill convention in Wilmington, NC (Tree Hill) and it was a big deal because it was the first one held in the US. Apparently Europe is more aggress about organizing OTH reunions (there was a big one in Paris a few months ago) because they’ve had a bajillion and we’ve never had one, which makes no sense but whatevz. Basically these conventions get all of the actors back together and have a bunch of Q&A’s, photo ops and meet & greets. As a devout OTH fan myself, I legitimately looked into going to this but then Sophia Bush hadn’t signed on yet and all the tickets swiftly sold out (who buys tix before Brooke Davis is confirmed?) Anywho, it probably worked out for the best that I didn’t have to start a new job and ask for advance vacation so that I could go to a fictional town and pretend a teen show that ended 4 years ago is real life. Instead, I binged my favorite episodes of season 3 (Naley Forever…and always) and stalked the convention on social media so I could create this one stop shop for an assortment of pictures and videos from the weekend for your entertainment.
The crew they assembled:
By character name- Whitey, Skillz, Jimmy Edwards, Bevin, Junk, Fergie, Felix, Andy, Chuck, Davis (Brooke and Julian’s son), Grubbs, Mouth, Chase, Chris Keller, Lucas, Peyton. (Basically their two leads who ditched the show 3 seasons before it ended were the top billing for this convention.)
Notably missing- Brooke, Julian, Haley, Nathan, Quinn, Clay, Alex, Millie, Dan, Keith, Karen, Deb, Rachel, Jamie, Mia, Nanny Carrie…
Weird Fan pics (apparently reenacting scenes is a big thing):
My favorite is probably the two girls reenacting the don’t say I never gave you anything scene and the fact that the person who posted it said they were new friends. Because who doesn’t meet a new person and immediately ask them to recreate a famous couples scene from One Tree Hill for Insta? All the uncomfies. Also, girl who showed up in a Ravens cheerleading uniform, do less.
Meet & Greet/ Event Pics with Cast:
This last picture is apparently Brooke Davis’s INFANT son. Like he was an ACTUAL baby on the show, and now people are paying to take pictures with him? Is this real life? No it’s Tree Hill. It was nice of Skills to show up (is he on parole?) wearing a shirt that says Black Jesus. You do you, Skills. He also apparently told everyone he can’t get verified on Twitter because he follows too many porn stars. Michael Copon, AKA the guy who got cheeked by Kim Kardashian, returned to Brooke’s house. I wonder if he also took a quick dip in the pool?
Other Highlights:
-Chuck now has a singing career (not Broadway related like his character), and belted out the theme song at his Q&A, pictured above. I’ll spare your ears the video…
-In relation to ear shattering videos, Tyler Hilton invited a fan onstage to sing Haley’s part of When the Stars Go Blue (the disrespect is so real) and she was really really terrible at singing. I covered my eyes and ears for the whole 20 second video. I can’t imagine hearing the whole song.
-Fans demanded dance reenactments. Bevin did the Spice Girls dance (she forgot most of it, because who would actually expect these people to remember a dance they did for one scene five years ago?) and Skillz/Mouth were asked to do their strip tease dance. Also Michael Copon apparently had a singing appearance on That’s So Raven and they made him do that for the crowd as well. Suuuper embarrassing.
THE FINALE HAS ARRIVED. What could possibly upstage a season full of aggress and exhausting bitches fighting? A party with creepy magicians and even more fighting, duh. Adrienne “I now do magic” Maloof throws a party that no one remembers, or no one wants to remember, either way it sucks but we’ll get to that later. First we must tie things up in the desert with a pretty bow so that everyone can pretend Kim and Kyle are the two best sisters that anyone has ever seen. Kyle makes Kim breakfast, which is shocking because she’s the baaaaby and the baby never has to do anything. (Suddenly I understand Kyle more than I ever have before.) And Kyle says that the reason everything has been swept under the rug for all of these years is because their mom always taught her girls not to air their dirty laundry in public. Do you think Kyle and Kim know what reality television even is? I think we’re past the airing of dirty laundry and onto the throwing their dirty laundry in everyone’s faces and telling them to sniff it or else.
After the sisters reunion that unfortunately did not end in the burying of Kim Richards in the desert, we’re treated to a sashay into Rinna’s supposedly normal life. She tells her teenage girls that it’s time to say goodbye to their childhood swing set. She brings them out back to take it down AKA watch Ricardo the groundskeeper take it down while they drank sparkling cider and celebrated never having to work a day in their lives. They’re not giving the perfectly functional swing set away, they’re literally throwing it in the trash. Cause that’s what rich people do. It keeps them grounded.
Speaking of being down to earth, Nicky Hilton is now an author, guys. It’s a book about fashion so let’s not get out of control here, I’m assuming it’s a picture book that she signed her name to and cashed in on. This is how we know we’re watching the finale, because they brought in the big guns, The Hilton family. Kyle, never one to let her more famous sister/nieces snag the spotlight hosts the book signing at her clothing store and says, “Nicky is always on fleek.” STOP TRYING SO HARD, KYLE. You’re an embarrassment to Nicky and Paris, which is saying a lot since their fame was circa 2001 for having sex and going to clubs. Speaking of A Night in Paris, the little amateur filmmaker arrives late and says hello to everyone and dasss it. No seriously…her air kisses and 1 minute of screen time were probably handsomely compensated from Bravo too. I hate America sometimes.
The night of Adrienne’s party that no one knows anything about is then upon us and on the limo ride there, Vincent the former child star and tennis pro brags to Yolanda about how he grew up next to the Jackson Five and Yo is like oh yeah, well I dated Julio Iglesias! At the party there are several weird masked performers and servers plucked straight from my nightmares and several of the women mention that Adrienne is nowhere to be found, but none of them seem all that bothered by it. It’s more of a comment that’s supposed to be made, kind of like “you look skinny” or “this Valium isn’t strong enough.” Since no one knows what this party is promoting but they know it must be promoting something, Lisa brings back the Maloof’s Hooves joke basically because she can and because Adrienne won’t be at the reunion to cry about it. Point, Lisa.
Camille is at the party and clearly didn’t get the memo that it’s against housewives code to look better than Yolanda because she’s wearing a spicy crop top and skirt coordinate and looks FIERCE. She uses her midsection to catch the attention of a Prince whose visiting Mauricio’s scary looking mother. It starts out cute and flirtatious and I’m all GO, CAMILLE…UPGRADE! And then I suddenly don’t ship it so hard when he starts making out with her in front of everyone and I remember this woman is past the BOMO stage of her life by like 20 years.
And then it’s FIGHTIN time, obviously. Lisa approaches Brandi to talk about THE SLAP and Brandi basically has a stage 10 meltdown and screams about her dad dying and being the best person in the world, grabs Lisa’s wrists tells her to go ahead and slap her back and then storms away. So that went swimmingly. Kim sits down at a table full of people who hate her and finds it to be an ideal time to address Rinna about what Kyle said that Rinna said that Brandi said. THIS IS A REAL SENTENCE THAT WAS STATED. It’s beyond me how these women don’t realize how stupid they sound, but I digress. Rinna, having quite vivid flashbacks to the last time she tried to have a convo with Kim in regards to sobriety, is obviously scared shitless and decides to be like everything you say is correct, Kim, you are the apple of my eye and a beautiful, fair princess. This pezzes Kyle off because she tried to start shit and it backfired so she teams up with Eileen to bully Rinna into telling Kim what was said. While all of this is happening, another magician appears onstage for a drawn out trick and out from behind the curtain pops Adrienne “I’m trying to get a Vegas act” Maloof in a black jumpsuit with a tacky sparkle bow. Not one person notices.
After Kim tells Rinna to go away and never talk to her again because she’s a liar, she goes straight to Brandi to confirm what was said. Brandi says she’s never once uttered the word intervention AS they play a clip of her saying the word intervention. Smooth. They make up and Rinna comes over at the tail end to say glad we got that solved, guys–let’s have a group hug. Kyle also tries to jump on that train and Brandi shouts TRAINS LEAVIN, GET OUTTA HERE. And so the beef continues…to be solved at the reunion? Probably not.
In conclusion, the housewives all get freeze frames and a few sentences to wrap up where they are now as if this is an enlightening documentary that we’re intrigued to follow up on, and not a television show about rich women who continue their fights on twitter for all to keep abreast on while they’re not filming. I’ll sum the closing remarks up as best as I can…
Yolanda: Has fabulous successful model daughters and looks glam in a hospital bed.
Rinna: Continues to take bullshit roles on TV and still thinks her husband banged the dog.
Eileen: Still has that EMMY and is back doing dubs soap operas.
Lisa: Hates Brandi and wants grandkids.
Kim: Monty’s nurse 4 lyfe.
Kyle: Hates Kim’s stinkin guts and hasn’t talked to her since her daughter got bit by Kim’s dog.
Brandi: Still has a dad, still has no friends.
Extra Thoughts:
-The Kim/Monty saga is weird, right? Like I get that we’re trying to be respectful of a dying man but they’ve flaunted it on TV and now I feel like something needs to be said. Monty is described as like basically withering away but if there’s a black tie event, HE’S THERE. Even JR was like yeah I was just drinking with him, what a party animal! Also apparently Kim and Monty are BFF’s who kiss on the lips. Get it, Monty!
-Does Brandi have a rule that whenever she goes to a party, she must wear something that barely covers her nipples and she has to tug at and hold all night? Girl is just full of good ideas.
-Adrienne humble bragging about her foray into the magic world and Kathy Hilton dropping her down a peg or 100 with “Oh, you do magic now?” wins best moment of the night BY FAR. Once again, Kathy Hilton wins my heart. Although I would never want Kathy to stoop to Housewives level of thirsty fame, I can only pray that she makes as many cameos next season as she did this one.
Have you ever had a Sunday where you were so hung over that you moved from your bed, to the couch and back to your bed? Of course you have because sometimes drunk “you” decides that three tequila shots are completely reasonable and future “you” is like hey maybe that was a terrible decision. (This is just an example out of thin air, definitely not based on my real life.) Anyway, should the Hangover Sunday happen, I’ve developed a hard and fast cure in the form of finding a marathon of a TV show that will instantly make me feel better about how my life is going. This past particular Hangover Sunday, MTV was gracious enough to play a full day marathon of the original Teen Mom, in preparation for the new season of Teen Mom: OG. This was the PERFECT show to wither away to. Instead of laying around feeling like a failure and shading my eyes from the very bright sun shooting through my windows, I watched a bunch of teenagers try to be parents and yell at the doofus who knocked them up. I also decided to convert it into blog material so that should you be hung over one day and there isn’t a teen mom marathon, you can read this and feel like the shining star that you are. Here are the 10 times Teen Mom made me feel great about my lifestyle choices.
When Gary picked a fight with Amber on her birthday over a “goddamn specialty cake” that he ordered for her. Easily my favorite moment in all of Teen Mom history is when Gary tells Amber that he’s not going to let her have a girls night out on her birthday and she hangs up on him. As punishment for hanging up on him and being “shitty” he takes away the specialty cake he ordered for her. Eventually he caves and gives it to her anyway with trick candles. Romance isn’t dead.
All the times Catelynn’s mom tells her that she hates her and to shut the F up. Catelynn’s mom is probably the meanest person in the whole world. Every interaction she has with her daughter she snarls at her and Catelynn is like k love you, mom. Plus she’s real scary looking. So even in my unshowered and smelliest state I still look better than April. Win, Win.
Every time Farrah’s mom gets the creepiest voice in the world and calls Sophia baby Goo. Farrah and her mom amp up the baby talk WAY too often and it makes me feel better to know that I will never ever talk to a child in this terrifying voice. Also baby goo is the worst term of endearment ever; minds well just call it ugly because that’s what it sounds like anyway.
Amber and Gary break up for the 100th time and Amber meets a new man at Wal-Mart who immediately moves in with her 2 weeks later. The meet cute of your dreams, running into a man at Wal-Mart, then later picking him up for a date as he tells you he’s basically currently serving time. He also told her that meeting her in Wally world was the best day of his entire life. Swoooooon.
Maci moves to Nashville to be with Kyle and they break up right quick. Maci actually is very normal and has her shit together so I try not to focus on her life when I’m trying to feel better about myself but this suuuuckked. She went through all the trouble to move to Nashville for Kyle and he was like k I’m over this, see ya later alligator. They ended up getting back together but whatevs, still rough.
Gary plops his large amorphous body on the couch and plays his guitar. Gary is not only great at ordering specialty cakes and I’m sorry floral arrangements, he’s also a slightly less attractive John Mayer who will serenade you. Just kidding, he gets sad about getting his ass tossed to the curb by Amber and he strums his guitar on whoever’s couch he’s crashing on until she takes him back. Womp, wompppp.
Farrah talks about how her dream is to open a restaurant and I think about how she’s currently a porn star. She also took out a loan to get a boob job. You know what they say, first comes the borrowing of money to buy a new set of tits, second comes “Back Door Teen Mom.” From the small screen to PornHub, Farrah has obviously achieved her dreams. But seriously though, I basically gave myself a standing O for the fact that I’ve never been struggling with rent and decided to ask the bank for a new rack.
Amber beats the shit out of Gary in front of their screaming child and I remember that this kid now has footage to watch of her parents fighting and neglecting her. This is actually really terrible. But also needed to be included on this list because this is a real thing that they allowed to be on TV. Real Talk: Is Leah in therapy?
9. Catelynn’s braces/rubber bands. Can you imagine if your awkward braces years were forever engraved on national TV? Cause I’m thinking the fact that there are pictures of my braces are embarrassing enough. The colors, the chunkies, the rubber bands…Wooooooof.
10. Every time a child screams, cries or acts like a general turd, I feel fabulous that I can take a full day to become an amoeba on the couch, shove chips into my chip hole and never ever have to deal with a screaming or crying child. Three cheers for a kid free life!
Tune into the new season Teen Mom OG tonight at 10, I totes will not. (Wink)
Hallo, (that’s Dutch for Hello) because you guessed it, we’re STILL in Amsterdam and I’m STILL uncomfortable. Hasn’t this country been through enough? Haven’t I been through enough? Apparently not, because this week’s episode paired a gentleman my age (23) with Brandi Glanville and I’ve officially lost all hope with men. Yep, Brandi (42 years old) is hanging and banging with one of Max Vanderpump’s school buddies. It’s one thing to do this in the privacy of your rented home, but to film your sloppy date and give everyone else the cringes is a whole different ball game. Girl clearly has no problem with it though, or coming off as a thirsty middle aged woman because she gets slob kebab drunk with this Amsterman (can we call him a man yet?), describes him as a “beautiful cock” (WEE-OOOWW WEEE-OWWWW here come the Uncomfortable Police) and then asks for tongue kisses at dinner (insert monkey covering mouth full of puke emoji.) AHH, MY EYES. Also, not to distract from the real problem at hand THE SLAP, Lisa obviously still hates Brandi and wouldn’t accept flowers from her…and I’m guessing isn’t in LOVE with the fact that she’s now at penetration station with someone Lisa used to serve sliced apples and PB to after school.
Speaking of everyone who hates Brandi, the ladies go to dinner while Brandi is on the precursor to a Lifetime movie date, and squeal like little piggies with delight that she won’t be joining them. They prove how grateful they are that she’s not there by then spending the majority of their dinner talking shit about her. This is how women celebrate. Duh. Then the conversation naturally transitions to live sex shows and ladies shooting objects out of their coochies. Don’t eva change, housewives. Yo also reminds us that she’s a flawless human being when she goes to tell a story and not so casually name drops that she used to date Julio Iglesias. Although I’m sure that this man was a spicy hunk taco when he was younger, my sources (the Google) says this is what he looks like now and no offense Yo, we probably could’ve gone without that very pointed toss of a name. Even Windmill guy looks better than this ole leather bags.
Not a minute too soon, the ladies all return to their diamond caves of Beverly Hills to rehash the trip from hell to anyone who will listen (each other.) Yolanda goes to watch Brandi get a facial and ask her why she’s gotta be such a dick all the time. Brandi cries a lot. Adrienne “Parched for Fame” Maloof is back for her monthly paycheck and apparently she’s friends with Kim. Who knew? Kim retells the night of wine glass slamming to Adrienne, with the help of flashbacks (as if we could ever forget) and artfully glosses over the fact that she acted like a real psycho that night. Adrienne is sympathetic and comforting, hm I wonder why…Meanwhile, Rinna and Kyle talk about how they still have Amsterdam PTSD that keeps them up and night and upping their dosages of Xanax for fear of Kim’s triumphant revenge. Nothing new here, except for the fact that Rinna narc’s on Brandi suggesting an intervention for Kim. Kyle’s eyes get a glimmer as she sticks that juicy tidbit into her cleavage for later.
Later comes sooner than expected when Kyle invites Kim out to the desert to kill her and bury her body underneath the house she stole from Kim. Ah, sisters. Kyle muses on her limo ride up, “I have a love affair with the desert.” I picture an actual affair with a cactus, that is until I see the sprawling mansion with massive infinity pool in the backyard. I too, have a love affair with the desert. The ladies exchange pleasantries about the house that Kyle has basically never been to in the three years she’s owned it, go figure, and reminisce about their childhood days frolicking around a different mansion in a hotter climate. This is all good and well, but for me, Kim really missed an opportunity here to take one look at Kyle’s maxi dress with actual flames printed on it and make a desert forest fire joke about it. As in, that dress should be ablaze in a forest fire rather than on your bodice. But whatever. The sisters Richards (sans Kathy, sigh.) hash out their 50 years of conflict and suppressed anger, starting with the recent Poker Party, Choke slam fight, and then quickly hopping all the way back to the stolen house. No seriously, the YOU STOLE MY HOUSE fight is still happening. Kyle slips that insider info out of her pushup bra that Brandi has been floating around a Kim intervention. Kim finally has enough and flips the bipolar switch, shouting YOU’RE LYING, amping up the crazy eyes and jabbing that finger of hers. This comes to a brief intermission because the burgers that no one saw Kyle put on the grill because she most certainly has a chef in the desert, are burning. Kyle cries over the burgers or Kim or whatever and Kim gives her a hug and says she loves her. Hugsies and tearsies in the desert and we’ve efficiently swept the sisters Richards heaping pile of shit under the Turkish rug. Next week is the season finale, at Adrienne “I want to be known as a party planner” Maloof’s soiree with magicians and our final round of public smackdowns, before the two-part reunion, OBV.
I don’t know if you’ve heard but I watch a lot of TV. My dependence on TV is so serious that when my cable wasn’t working for a week in college I called my dad every single day to cry about it until it was fixed. I was only receiving the God channel that plays actual church 24/7. Yeah it was probably a sign but I refused to accept it. Anyway, since there is unlimited amounts of new shows every few months, I try to expand my palette and I’ve decided to share my findings. From downright trashy to somewhat critically acclaimed, hopefully there’s something for everyone here. Binge away! (Note: Some shows have yet to premiere, but I took it upon myself to recommend them anyway, because I do what I want.)
1. Hindsight, VH1-Wednesdays 10P
Obviously VH1 is not the most esteemed TV network what with their Love & Hip Hop or Basketball Wives or whatever, but they’re trying to get into the scripted TV game and all they really needed to do was start running ads with 90’s music and they had me hooked. This show has a flashback premise, so if you only watch realistic shows it’s probably not for you. Becca (Olivia from She’s the Man) is about to get married for the 2nd time in present day and she’s like hey maybe I’m making the wrong decision and she gets in an elevator and suddenly she’s back in 1995 on the eve of her first wedding and great news she gets to relive her 20’s again and make better decisions this time. There’s a lot of love triangles, Ace of Base and hiiiiideous 90’s fashion, which makes it pretty awesome. Also, great news it just got renewed for season 2, so catch up now and immerse yourself in the velvet and overalls. Sway Factor(s): Hot men (if you’re into that sort of thing) and black chokers.
2. Empire, Fox-Wednesdays 9P
This is more on the critically acclaimed side of things because it’s actually getting good reviews and has a lot of star power behind it. Basically it’s about the Lyon family, who is a full-on hot mess and how they run their successful Hip Hop/R&B record label. Lucious Lyon is the head and a real D-bag, also former rapper/singer and his three sons or heirs to the throne are varying degrees of spoiled dicks. His ex-wife and part founder of Empire, Cookie, just got released from jail after 17 years from dealing drugs and she’s back to tear shit up and be a general sassternaut. Essentially this is the urban version of Nashville, except it doesn’t have tired story lines yet. There’s some drug stuff, and some murdering stuff and some music stuff, ya heard? Sway Factor(s): There’s an actual song that youngest Lyon raps with the chorus “She make that thang go Drip drop, drip drippity drop.” I’ll let you use your imagination to figure that one out. Season Finale is this week but that gives you all summer to catch up before season 2. Also you get to see Cookie wear some of the SASSIEST outfits of anyone on TV ever and lay down some great one liners.
3. Lip Sync Battle, Spike-Premieres April 2nd 10P
As you probably know from my JUice a month or so ago, once they announced that the host of this show was going to be LL Cool J, I really wanted to hate all over it. They took a sacred Fallon sketch and turned it into a show with a washed up Kangol aficionado hosting. But damnit, I’m going back on my word because it actually looks entertaining. They released some teaser trailers and clips for it and now I feel like it might be must-see TV. Fallon makes some appearances and apparently Chrissy Teigen is just a fly girl on the sides or something? All I know is that I’m in. Sway Factor: There’s props and costumes.
4. The Grace Helbig Show, E!-Premieres April 3rd 10:30P
Grace Helbig started out on Youtube with quick webisodes about goofy shit and after watching a few of them here and there I feel like her new show will be fab, which is why I’m raving about it before it has even started. I’m sure this is E!’s attempt to fill the void that Chelsea Handler left behind but regardless, I think we can all agree that E! needs to clean up the huge dumpster fire that Fashion Police created for them. Grace is awkward and silly and makes a lot of inapprops poop jokes. I think you can quickly assume why I love her. Her book released this year entitled, “Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending to be a Grown-Up” is a fun read and she gives some great advice. Case in point, her advice for first dates is to never eat something that would upset your stomach… “Let your personality be explosive, not your butthole.” I think she’ll make for GREAT television. Sway Factor: IT’S NOT THE KARDASHIANS.
5. Marry Me, NBC (Pretty much already cancelled)
I’m throwing you for a quick loop here by adding in a show that most certainly will not survive past it’s first season, in fact it was basically already edged off the air. I’m doing this because A. if you were a fan of Happy Endings you’ll appreciate it and B. it has witty writing and if you watch it you’ll probably learn some cool new abbrevs. It’s basically Penny from Happy Endings but with a guy who can tolerate her. They’re engaged and living together and have a bunch of weird friends. Plus now we have a sitcom to round out my list of shows to check out. (I’m totally mailing it in, it was really hard to think of a 5th show, judge me, I dare you.) Anywho, the first handful of episodes from this show were actually very funny and although it went downhill real quick maybe it will feed your Happy Endings-less nostalgia.
Sway Factor: The return of DRAMA Derek & hip pop culture references, kick ass relationship goals:
“Annie: Hey bae. Jake: Is bae really that much shorter than babe? It’s literally the same amount of syllables. Annie: But that extra “b” makes my mouth so tired.”
BONUS: The Royals, E!-Sundays 10P
Although I haven’t watched this yet and it is sure to be appointment trash television, I felt obliged to add it to the list because Marc Schwann is the creator and if this show is half as fantastic as One Tree Hill, it’ll be very entertaining. Plus, Brits <3. Good news is that the series premiere was just last Sunday so not a lot of catching up necessary.
Welcome back to the Damn of Amster because Bravo is not yet finished with making a beautiful country into a lame pun. Last week was the wine glass throw down of Rinna vs. Kim and the street shouting of Brandi vs. Kyle and believe me, all is NOT forgotten, even though the ladies try their best to sweep that shit up into a wooden clog and tuck it out of sight.
The day activities consist of splitting off into teams. Yo wakes up feeling too tired to leave bed, because Lyme disease and so she ducks out for the day (I would too if my choices were to hang out with these assholes or lounge in a five star hotel.) Rinna decides to go shopping with Brandi, Kim and Lisa because she knows that if she goes with Kyle and Eileen they’ll just talk shit about Kim the whole time and she’s hashtag over it.
While out and about, the shopping crew of deviants make a bunch of sexual jokes about back scratchers at an upscale clothing store and then find their way into a sex shop. They look at nipple tassels and dildos and continue their general public display of American trashfest. Kim gets real jazzed about a dildo or something and gets into Rinna’s personal box to reenact how she should pleasure herself with it, Rinna doesn’t bounce a wineglass off of her though so I guess they’re buds now. To recap: talking about masturbating is AOK, talking about drinking is NOT. While they’re teaching each other how they spend their evenings, the “classier” duo of Kyle and Eileen explore the museums. Kyle feels it’s necessary to state I LOVE MUSEUMS right before she points out the dick size on a statue. She continues her campaign to remind us she was never really educated when she struggled to read the I Amsterdam sign that tourists take an obligatory picture in front of. After this busy day of stupidity I feel like a real rocket scientist.
Eileen tells everyone who will listen that she’s still ticked off about being called a beast with no apology from Kim. I mean, girl’s got a point. She sits down with Rinna to say that her reunion with Kim and acting like nothing happened is BS. Rinna says handle your own problems with Kim because I’m terrified of her showing up at my house in the middle of the night with Monty the scary ghost and a machete.
At night, Yolanda the Great emerges from her day of sleeping looking like a knockout in a white dress. Seriously does she ever look bad? She has organized a dinner cruise on the Canal with all of the ladies and even though she planned it she probably knows how terrible it is to pack a small river boat with women who drink and throw down every time they’re in the same room. This time there’s no escape from the inevitable fight that will break out so, plot twist.
Kyle can’t just sit with the girls and act normal as they take selfies and pretend they didn’t hurl glass at each other so she excuses herself to look like the victim, as always. While she’s pouting in the corner, Brandi stirs shit up with Eileen and it starts out nice and obviously takes a sharp left into bitchytown. She says Eileen called her an alcoholic and Eileen was like nope, def didn’t do that. To be clear, Eileen has absolutely played this game the correct way because TECHNICALLY she never called Brandi an alchie and Bravo’s got footage to prove it. She also never directly accused Kim of falling off the wagon. It’s almost as if Eileen has an Emmy or something because she knows exactly what she’s saying in front of the cameras and the two crazies don’t have a leg to stand on with their accusations. Brandi knows it too because she gets backed into a corner and then is like OKAY everyone this isn’t a soap opera…we’re trying to have a lovely night. Nice try, Brandi, you can’t light the fire and then put it out looking for hero worship. Simmer down.
Might we also take a 30 second T.O. to talk about how terribly hideous Lisa’s hat is and how distracting it is as it sits atop, literally perched, on her head? It’s almost worse than Eileen’s MK&A bucket hat from the wine tossing dinner, but still can’t beat that headwear catastrophe.
Anyway, back to the Lamb Chop Sing-along of fights, the fight that never ends. As the girls raise their voices and shout things at each other, they also clap their hands together like seals to emphasize the point they’re trying to make. It’s actually pretty hilarious to watch women clap and yell at each other. Brandi tries to close up shop on this conversation again by making an LOL about each woman at the table, she’s like Lisa will keep sleeping around LA and Kim will keep popping pills and I’ll keep tossing back drinks and Eileen will continue to be a home wrecker. And Eileen is like HOLDUP, twat. Kim the trusty sidekick is like oh, lighten up Eileen HAHA, knock, knock, you’re a home wrecker– it’s just a quick joke, no biggie. At this point Yo would like to go back to bed, instead she leaves and sits down for a nice peaceful dinner by herself. Some of the ladies start to follow suit except for Kyle, Brandi and Kim who continue their fight over the shell of a woman that Kim is. I don’t even pay attention to what they’re saying to each other because I’ve heard this fight roughly 5 times this season now and it only grabs my attention when they get physical. Yawn. I spend the majority of this time to figure out if the boat is actually moving or if they are still docked near land for safety precautions. Brandi says “Vice versa, homie.” (No seriously, she calls Kyle homie), the ladies shout at the top of their lungs that they wish each other happiness and jab their arms around and Kim cries.
Everyone limps over to the dinner table after they’ve filled up on their appetizer of pure hate and disgust. Lisa leaves her hat on at dinner, unfortunately. Yo is like maybe we get along or we find new friends to film a TV show with. Brandi decides for everyone that they’re going to get along by playing a game of go around the table and say something nice about each person. This went about as well as you would expect. I will now break down some of the most cringe worthy forced compliments I have ever heard:
Eileen:
Kim-You’re a good mom.
Brandi-You have nice eyes
Kyle- You’re generous and kind and have a good heart.
Yolanda:
Brandi- You have a good waist.
Lisa- You love your husband as much as I love mine. (Is this a compliment? Really, Lisa?)
Kyle- You have a good heart, blah blah (essentially the same thing she said to Eileen.)
Lisa:
Brandi- You have great taste.
Rinna:
Kim- I love your energy and your heart.
Kyle:
Kim- You’re a great mom (enough with the repeats, you couldn’t think of anything better for your own sister?)
Brandi- You have nice hair.
Kim:
Rinna- You are a winner had have a beautiful heart and soul and I love you.
Brandi- You’re a ray of sunshine and we’re friends for some F’ed up reason.
Brandi obviously only says superficial shit and that’s because she’s trying to keep it positive. She also abruptly cuts the game short before they can get to her because she knows everyone hates her and doesn’t need to hear fake compliments like she just forced everyone else to do. Kim’s round was when things got real weird. Like really, Rinna? YOU ALMOST CHOKED THIS WOMAN ONE NIGHT AGO…and now you love her and think she has a beautiful soul, Jesse McCartney style? Also I know that I have been referencing Bridesmaids a lot lately but Brandi’s drunk compliment to Kim absolutely IS this scene on the plane, right? Is Brandi trolling us?
In the end, they force Brandi to sit down and take a bunch of made up compliments and she reacts by getting very drunk and trying to kiss Lisa and “reenact Love Boat” as they leave for the night. Lisa tries to push her off like Brandi’s a drunk frat bro forcing herself onto her and Brandi is like HAHA let’s slap each other, I’ll go first and slaps Lisa across the face. The hat stays intact. NO MEANS NO, BRANDI. The next morning each woman involved in “The Slap” (not to be confused with the most promoted TV show about a child getting slapped ever to occur.) Obviously Brandi’s like lawlz, whoops and Lisa and Kyle are like she’s dead to me. Next week we’re STILL IN AMSTERDAM and then we’re not, and then there’s more fighting between the ray of sunshine with a beautiful soul and the one who has great hair. Also the return of Adrienne “I’m better than this show until I need a paycheck again” Maloof.
Welp, the day has come. I’d like to personally toot my own horn for lasting this entire season and making the best of it with lots of wine and lots of snark. That being said, this finale was a REAL snoozefest. Like probably the most boring two hours of television I’ve ever watched leading up to the most predictable proposal, like ever. So let’s dig in, corn lovahs.
We find ourselves in Arlington, Iowa again…unfortunately- so that the ladies can all meet Chris’s family and be one with the farms. Speaking of being one with the farm, now that Chris is back amongst his crops he does a lot of walking into the snow-covered fields and staring off into the distance, thinking about his next milking or who he was going to marry or whatever.
Whitney
Whitney meets the entire family for lunch and there’s tears and a toast about how much she loves Chris and his family and how important this is and everyone is already her family, so there. She’s just as heavy on the self-tanner as she is on the love for Chris’s family. It’s winter in Iowa girl, T it down with the orange lotion. The sisters also chat with Whitney and it becomes very clear that they’re Team Whit.
When Chris sits down with the sisters he talks mostly about Becca—because the only hesitation Chris has with Whitney is that he has “another girl he really likes.” Apparently Chris is in high school talking to his sisters about who he’ll take to prom. Continuing the high school theme, Chris has a SUPER difficult time talking about why he loves Becca. He basically starts listing her superlatives, you know she’s athletic and stuff…
Whitney and Mama Soules have a good heart to heart where naturally Whitney cries a lot and says all the right things. Chris’s mom is like yeah I love the shit out of you but it’s not my decision. Regardless, Whitney is confident that she’s the future Mrs. Soules.
Chris and his boyz meet in the tool shed, as farm bros do, to talk about his DIFFICULT decision. The men wear a variation of colored plaid shirts and Old Navy Tech vests as they try to concentrate on the gibberish that Chris is spewing. His boys are team Whitney because Whit has already agreed to give up everything she’s ever owned to live in Arlington and Becca’s like meh, maybe.
Becca
Becca rolls into Tumbleweed city with a cake and a case of the nervsies. She feels better once Chris sings the Be Yourself song to her.
Works every time. Inside, there’s literally kids crawling all over the place, which probably doesn’t help Becca’s apprehension to commit to getting married and popping out baby farmers stat. At dinner, everyone laughs about how the Arlington “downtown” area is a dump hole with only a post office. What a sad existence. Do you think they’re all drugged? Becca becomes little miss Jokey McJokester and says if she moves there she’ll tell her family to stop texting her and communicate only through snail mail. Lawlz, Becca. Methinks a carrier pigeon might be more efficient.
Chris sits down with the sisters once again and the CSI music is seriously overwhelming. It’s distracting that I feel like we’re finding a rapist murderer instead of listening to his sisters give him advice on how to communicate with women. Same thing, really.
The convo between Becca and Mama Soules starts out quite lovely as Mom tells Becca that because Chris is so picky must mean she’s a special one. But he also needs a bitch to move to Iowa and be his farm slave, so things get passive aggressive real quick. Mama Soules starts to bully Becca into admitting she’s in love and Becca obviously is terrified so she’s like yeah maybe I am in love with Chris. Finally the mama bear lays down the hammer with LIVE YOUR LIFE, NO RAGRETS, Tim Riggins style. She makes Becca cry like a big kid on the playground. Becca leaves real unsure of her future as Chris walks down a barren road, probably heading toward town to see if there’s any human life still existing. It’s looking grim.
Becca & Chris Last Date
Chris wants to know if Becca can really see herself moving to Iowa FOR-EVER. FOREVER. Essentially Becca can’t make any promises of when she would be ready to move to Shit-Town, USA and her and Chris have their first real fight. Chris sits her down job interview style and is like can you give me your five year plan. Don’t EVER ask a girl what her five year plan is, unless her name is Whitney I guess because that girl basically handed over her letter of resignation in Bali. Anyway Becca is like all I know is that I want you AKA she’ll be giving up dat V real soon. Finally it comes out that she’s scared she won’t have her own life in Arlington (Becca is a human with real thoughts.) And Chris is like AHA I GOTCHA, YOU HATE ARLINGTON. Chris then cries about it afterward in his button up sweater in front of a globe artfully positioned next to some lit romantic candles. This is his Becca’s about to get kicked on outta here vibe.
Whitney & Chris Last Date
They ride around on the tractor and Chris teaches Whitney how to do donuts around the corn. Whitney gets turned on at how Chris farms, duhs. He gives Whitney the tour of all the farms he owns and brings her to the bachelor pad. One day, this could all be yours, Whitney-Son. Girl gets emosh again and talks about how right everything is and how thankful she is for this journey because she straight up can’t stop crying and word vomiting her love for him. Chris says everyone and everything and every piece of dirt in his land is AWESOME, awesome, awesome. Whitney takes this opportunity alone with Chris to tell him she’s obsessed with him and they can tell each other everything with just one look and totally finish each other’s sentences. Chris starts to say This is…and Whitney jumps in with AWESOME. They’re so in love.
Last Rose
Neil Lane has appeared to give away a diamond ring in exchange for free advertising and also to complain about Iowa. The music swells again and seriously the sound mixer for this show deserves to be fired. It’s so overwhelming. The girls get ready and gown up to hit the barn that has been decorated like a whimsical forest but probably still smells like cow shit and horses. Chris puts on a real show of saying he might not propose to anyone and he’s so torn when really we all know what’s going to happen. Nice try, dum dum. He also talks a lot about how HARD he has been working to get to this moment…it was a HUGE missed opportunity that the producers didn’t flash back to a montage of him making out with all the ladies while he said this. Oh yeah, Chris? You really worked for it.
Becca arrives first so we already know she’s dunzo. She enters the barn of love and Chris has a legitimate face seizure when he sees her. I was actually concerned that he would need a paramedic to recover. He says he can totally see Becca as his wife and farm slave but she just ain’t ready for that shit. Then he pukes out a bunch of clichés (eloquently of course, as he’s known to do)– I’m not giving you what you need, you’re going to make someone incredibly happy, blah blah blah. Instead of spiking the rose off of his stupid rambling face like I wanted her to do, Becca tells him that she respects him and that he’s going be a fab hubs. It’s classy of her but realistically I didn’t sit through two hours of boring-fest to watch a girl say thank you for your time, byeee. You can tell she’s ACTUALLY relieved that she doesn’t have to ditch her fab mid-twenties lifestyle in Cali to move to a farm and start wearing a bonnet. Becca doesn’t even cry when she leaves, she just smiled because it happened. Chris watches her go and as we were forced to watch him stare into space again for a solid 2 minutes, I started to get irritated until my friend Lindsey pointed out that he was probably supposed to be talking but he just couldn’t find the words. So we’re cutting The Bachelor producers a little slack for working with a moron.
FINALLY, Whitney approaches the barn in what can only be described as a gown that a middle aged woman would wear to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Whitney comes in hot with the jabber jaws and literally won’t shut up about how much she loves Chris (really?! We had NO idea!) and basically doesn’t let Chris speak for five minutes. Chill, grl. Chris is eventually like oh is it my turn? He speaks and it’s like Shakespeare himself reciting prose. Just kidding, he still stutters and stammers and is like I love you, I love you, I LOOOOOVE you. He really likes that they both want the same things, which is to live in a desolate town and reproduce a slew of future farmers. You know, because Chris told Whitney to want these things and she was like OK!!! He gets down on one knee and I’m disappointed that they didn’t incorporate a haystack in this, there’s so much loud kissing and so many I love yous that I needed a barf bucket to get through it. They end watching that Iowa sunset and Britt sneaks out from behind a tree to remind everyone that the sunset is what made her fall in love with Arlington, and she could still move there if need be, NBD but HBD. And so the dolphin laugh ends up with the piercing Mickey Mouse voice…(as my friend Courtney pointed out) could there ever be a more perfect match?
Deep Thoughts from Chris:
“I am dating two extremely awesome girls and I feel like I’m falling in love with them so I have an extremely hard decision to make.” I’m pretty disappointed that C. Harrison, the novelist, didn’t give Chris a Thesaurus before the final episode. That would’ve been like extremely AWESOME!
“We’ve got to get some dirt in those pink nails of yours.” Chris “I’m gonna put you to work once you’re my wife” Soules, ladies. RUN, WHITNEY, RUN!
“I’m so happy to be in the barn where I raised my first pig”-Chris thinking about pigs instead of proposals. Sounds about right.
AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:
-Whitney only watched her dates with Chris this season. I wonder why… did she not want to see him slop all over every woman in the house?
-Chris actually utters the sentence: “I knew you had never fellen in love.” to Becca. Chris handles live TV and facing exes like nobody’s biz. Mr. Smooth.
-Bonus clip: Chris’s parents surprise them after the proposal and talk about pumping out kids and “practicing”. All the uncomfies. Even Whitney was like ha-ha you’re ruining this moment, go away now.
-Onion Pomegranate gets more air time and will get even more on Bachelor in Paradise.Girl is cashing IN on a damn onion.
-Jimmy Kimmel comes out and makes fun of everything then parades a cow out into the audience. Jimmy Kimmel still wins this season.
In a SHOCKING twist…they save the announcement for last that….
Drumroll
No seriously, wait for it. I HAD TO.
Apparently Bachelor nation couldn’t choose between Britt or Kaitlyn for the next Bachelorette so they decided WHY NOT BOTH?! I’ve never seen a more polarizing reaction from an audience. Chris Harrison was like clearly you were torn up about this and I’m surprised someone didn’t just stand up and shout TEAM KAITLYN because everyone is OBVIOUSLY team Kaitlyn. So apparently in the first ever 2 for 1 Bachelorette special, the men will choose which one is wife material like they’re shopping for a mail order bride… Wonder who they’ll choose-Britt who gives free hugs (wink) or Kaitlyn who tells good jokes. My girl Kaitlyn got the shaft and she knows it. They even put them in matching sparkle dresses for the announcement. Yiiiikes this is gonna be bad.
But you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be here to recap the trainwreck that it is. Until next time Bachelor Nation….now who wants in on the over/under of Whitney and Chris’s breakup? Anyone? Anyone?
It’s been a beat since I’ve dedicated a blog to my gurl LC, I figure once a month is appropriate even though realistically I could do once a week. I’m trying really hard not to force my girl crushes down your throat. You’re welcome. Anyway, ever since I made the wise and empowered executive decision to round out my DVD box set of The Hills with seasons 3/4 (5-6 don’t count because LC peaced up outta that bitch and the show went to shambles) I’ve been logging an episode per day, soaking in the young adult carefree lifestyle I should be living, full of laying by the pool and nightclubbin’ on weekdays. Instead I’ve been shackled to my apt for months because mass transportation couldn’t handle the 10 tons of snow, but whatever, because I’m still able to really hear the wisdom that LC dishes out to her friends, and I’ve decided to gather her smartest nuggets of unsolicited advice for all of you to consider. Let’s take a few minutes to attend the church of Lauren Conrad and reflect on what she preaches.
1. Go with your gut, but use your head.
Ah one of the many Laurenisms uttered in reference to Justin Bobby. LC knew from the start that JBobz was a real handful but that she couldn’t share her real opinion unless she wanted to be THAT friend who dumps on every guy her BFFs choose. It was just too soon after the Speidi/LC fallout. So instead she spoke in Chinese fortunes when Audrina would ask for her opinion. This is pretty smart of LC because she was being clear that JB was a poor choice, but saying it in a way that would be too hard for Audrina to figure out, because she would have to use her brain, something that was far too difficult for a girl who stared at the ceiling for an entire 6 season series.
with using my brain.
2. I think that every guy can change with the right girl.
This is more of a hopeful piece of wisdom. Girl’s got her head in the clouds full of taming bad boys (ahem Jason). LC might’ve been tooting her own horn a little bit here but it’s nice to think that playboys can be tamed. We’ll take this one with a grain of salt.
Dat Bad Boy Lyfe
3. Love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone.
LC said this to zero brainwave activity Heidi when they were still friends, Heidi had her original rack and was considering dumping Jordan the hedgehog hired boyfriend from South Carolina. Heidi was all, I think Jordan is mean to me and stuff but I really like having a boyfriend. And when LC asked if she loved him, Heidi had to ask herself if love and sex were different. She was still unsure when LC dropped this truth bomb.
4. You weren’t being over-sensitive, he was being over-asshole.
This is a sassy piece of word vomit from LC that should be bible. Any time a guy treats you like a piece of garbage (in this case it was Justin Bobby…could it really have been about anyone else?) you remember that LC said it’s his fault and not yours!
5. All there is left to do is forgive and forget. So I wanna forgive you and I wanna forget you.
I mean this is a big one. The tell off to Heidi, once and for all. The inner struggle of never forgetting what a shitty friend she was but also wanting that old friendship back. The best part about the whole conversation is that once she lays this beatdown out there, Heidi responds with, “Ok, it was great seeing you.” Realistically how do you respond to LC telling you she would like to forget you exist? Burn City- Population: Heidi Montag.
6. Nobody’s had the best relationships in the past. That’s why they end.
What a modern day love guru LC is when she tries to reassure Brody that just because he’s been the shittiest boyfriend in America doesn’t mean he can’t shape up and give it another go with her. Unfortunately his affinity for dating playgirls eventually gets in the way of that but it’s for the best because Brody also penetrated Kristin and LC can’t afford to keep sharing boyfs with that ho.
7. Don’t ever cry over someone that wouldn’t cry over you.
Even though she says this to Steph, AKA She-Pratt AKA a grown adult who thought that hamsters turn into guinea pigs, this is still an applicable life lesson. Tears should only come into play if both parties involved are baby bitches. If Brody Jenner calls you cray cray, it’s prob not worth sobbing in the bathroom.
8. There’s always that one person that you always go back to.
The classic rule of recycling men to maintain your number, LC basically invented dis shit. Steven, Jason and Brody were in her lineup and boy did they sub in and out a lot. Girl had that rotation on lockdown. All the respect.
9. Like everyone, and trust no one.
BAM. Did LC get a little jaded at some point with all her shady friends and decide that maybe she should start speaking and living like a mafioso? Yeah she did and you know what, I’m cool with it. The mean streets of LA can make you HARD. Girl had to buck up and realize that her besties were about as trustworthy as that big eared betch Elodie. In other words, you can think Stephanie Pratt’s inability to answer a telephone or use the computer is fun and amusing but don’t think for a second it doesn’t mean she’ll jump at the chance to date your ex the minute you go on a family vacay to Italy without cell service and internet.
10. It just is what it is. It’s not always fair.
This deserves to be noted because it’s far too similar to something Scar from the Lion King said (another wise basic bitch). You see, life is NOT FAIR. No but for reals, was it fair that a 22 year old was living in a mansion with a pool, jetting to Vegas and Cabo on the reg and hitting the club circuit every night all on MTV’s dime while I was living in a smelly apt with my parents at 22 suuuuper funemployed? No it’s not fair…but it is what it is.
Now go forth and spread the good word of our Holy LC.
Another week, another episode where Rayna runs shit and everyone else is circling the drain. I’m going to try something new this time around mostly because it pains me to have to type out sentences like, “this week Scarlett brought hot doc a latte.” We’re going to break it down by stuck in a rut story lines vs. story lines that will eventually go somewhere but not for another 3 weeks/the last five minutes of the season finale.
Stuck in the Snoozies:
-Luke pairs Will up with a notoriously gay writer to work on some new songs and Will peers out of the closet just long enough to say, “The last thing I need is someone to see me around town with some swishy gay dude.” SRSLY? When they finally write together, Will acts like a REAL secretly gay douchenozzle. Eventually they bang out a song together and here we are again in a cycle of Will tormenting himself which will eventually lead to a secret hookup and more tormenting. I’m not one to normally start a “JUMP” chant when someone’s on a ledge but seriously dude…JUMP.
Rut Factor: Infinity
-Juliette doesn’t even appear in this episode leading me to believe she’s outskis until she pops that superstar out of her hoo-ha. Unfortunately they still feel the need to pretend she’s actually around by telling everyone she has insomnia and keeping Avery awake. This leads to a very cringe worthy scene where Gunnar shows up unannounced and Avery almost slices his throat because HE WAS NOISY and could’ve woken up the sleeping bear in hibernation that is his wife and might attack.
Rut Factor: Full until the pregnancy is over
-Sadie is doing press for the new album and GMA wants to ask her about her deadbeat ex hubs and his lawsuit. After crying about it a whole lot and calling Rayna to cry about it some more, she finally reveals to Robin Roberts that he was abusive and she’s not going to stay quiet about it anymore. Yawn yawn yawn. This story line was interesting for one single week. If she doesn’t get something else going for her soon I would like to see her get a one way bus ticket to the island of dead end characters so she can grab a marg with Zoey, Tandy, and Kiley and talk about how predictable and boring their lives are.
Rut Factor: 100. No more Sadie Stone please.
-Scarlett goes on a date with Hot Doc, he takes her to a fancy restaurant and orders a classy bottle of wine. Scarlett is the hick to Doc’s city boy. He’s from the Upper East Side and she’s from Miss-ippi. No really, that’s actually how she pronounced it…since when did she become Brandi-Lynn from Podunk, Population: No Teeth? Then she recites everything she’s been readin’ from the journal of meddy-sin and hot doc is like this date blows let’s shake hands and part ways. Scarlett later apologizes with coffee (enough with the coffee shtick) and serenades him at her gig and they seal it with a smooch.
Rut Factor: 10. This relationship is just buying time for Scarlett and will end in roughly 2 weeks. Gurl needs her music back stat…(see “wait for it” for future action on that.)
-Deacon is still DYING, guys. Dying. Dead soon. It’s interesting how he only had like 2 weeks to live and I feel like we’ve been watching him die for months.
Rut Factor: Maximum. He’s not going to die. Enough with these shenanigans and his general Eeyore act.
Wait for It…:
-The band formerly known as Zoey’s meal ticket fully reunites and they even get a gig opening for Rascal Flatts. The BIG drama is that they still don’t have a name. After Gunnar takes it WAY too seriously (because this is his only shot at actually singing in front of people) they shout a lot of stupid words trying to find the right one and then hot doc calls them the Exes and boom they’re now the Triple X’s because they’ve all swapped fluids at one point or another. Speaking of swapping fluids, Gunnar is clearly still in love with Scarlett because when she kisses Dr Hottie (I’m seriously not bothering to learn his name) he stares at her like a reaaaal creep. Obviously this puts them in the “wait for it” category because they’ll draw this out for several weeks until eventually they recycle the Scunnar (ew..we’ll work on that) love story.
Time stamp: Finale= Scunnar Reunion
-Layla and Fordham are still doing the dirty, this time on her kitchen counter because nothing gets them fired up like a fight over music labels. Fordham tells her she’s fat and shit because he’s not her boyfriend, he’s her manager so it’s totes kosh. They work together deviously to sneaky release a single for Layla on iTunes which ends up working out for her professionally but these two togets is a ticking time bomb, which lands them in this category. Layla is trying to be coy and cute and say she doesn’t want to be seen in public with Jeff because everyone hates him.
Time Stamp: A moment’s notice before these two explosively unravel.
-Creepy Teddy avoids his prosty all week until she shows up at Rayna’s 10 year Opry concert and tells him there’s a van outside her house and they’re both SCREWED so HA. Teach him to start answering her calls! This has gone on far too long, I better see a salacious headline soon.
Time Stamp: 2 episodes
-The incest couple of Colt and Maddie LIVES ON. Colt wants to see Maddie perform at the Opry and is all Wheels Up dad, you’re coming too! Luke wants to slit his wrists watching Rayna and Deacon but he does it just so his son can get a little tail. Respect. While Rayna and Deacon duet onstage, Colt and Maddie gaze into each other’s eyes stage left because their love is also like the moon, except more incesty. Colt decides he’d like to move home to be close to his dad AKA be close to his almost-sister for some romancing.
Time Stamp: These two are HEATING up, more action to come!
-The Rayna and Deacon love story is at a rut always… but by the end of this episode is progressing into movement, to the funeral parlor. After Maddie tries to play matchmaker like a little weirdo, Rayna finally calls Deacon and is like HEY, it’s ME! And Deacon’s like oh uh I know your name comes up on my phone so uhhhhh mystery solved. HAHAHAHAHA Be. More. Awkward. Anyway Deacon is invited to hit the stage with his fam squad for Rayna’s big show at the Opry. He shows up, plays guitar with the girls and THEN Rayna grabs Deacon’s hand and asks him to sing with her and Maddie witnesses and clearly needs to change her undies. They sing a terrible duet that I wish I didn’t have to sit painfully through but the people in the audience are clearly digging it as they passionately sway their heads and cry like it was “Glory” at the Oscars or something. Deacon promptly bows and Irish goodbye’s that shit right quick. He’s gotta go to heaven now. Just kidding he went to his secret cabin and Rayna shows up, tells him not to leave her anymore and he FINALLY says he’s a dead man walking and she slaps him silly then hugs him. Gawd I hate that cliché slap-hug. If I ever slap anyone then expect him to embrace me with open arms please cut my hands off because I should not have that privilege any longer.
Time Stamp: These two better get one bang in before Deacon kicks rocks. Just kidding this will obviously drag out until the finale.
As you recall, last week we left off with the ladies arriving in Yo’s home country and immediately giving Americans a bad name. Although I would like to tell you that they shaped up and did ‘Murica proud, unfortunately I cannot. I started to nod off as we saw everyone show off their extravagant hotel suites and talk about how they slept the night before. Then Kim chooses to verbally shit in Rinna’s mouth during public lunch/dinner and I woke the F up. You start an episode with a near choking incident and you HAVE my full attention. Good work.
Let’s take it from the top. While everyone is dining togets, Yo finds it to be an opportune moment to bring up Bella’s DUI for the hundredth time and just lay it out there how painful that was to go through and also slyly point out that nobody at this table is perfect. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Rinna starts to get emotional and reveals that when she was 6 her sister died of a drug/alcohol overdose and she’s never really dealt with it. (For the record, that now puts Rinna at a 3 count for drug/alcohol related deaths in her family. WOOF.) Since Rinna is getting emotional she also wants to apologize to Kim for butting in. Kim doesn’t miss a beat to shut Rinna down and round one has begun. Kim goes OFF like her batteries were just replaced and she hasn’t had verbally abusive conflict in over 24 hrs, bitch is ready to go. She just raises her voice and jabs that finger around like it’s what she was put on this earth to do. She reminds everyone that she’s been sober 3 years (has it actually been that long?) and if there were any concerns HER friends and HER family would’ve said something to her. Rinna is fairly composed and still just defends that she cares about Kim.
OH REALLY? Kim viciously spouts, let’s talk about YOUR home life, Rinna! Eileen tries to jump to Rinna’s defense and Kim throws out a little something she learned from her new BFF Brandi, which is to tell Eileen to shut her F-ing mouth. She also ACTUALLY utters the sentence, “I’ve had enough of you, you beast.” SHE CALLS EILEEN A BEAST. I have essentially rolled off of my bed in fits of laughter at this point. Everyone is sitting there like this is a normal scream fest to have occur in a foreign public restaurant and the worst is still yet to come. Eileen’s reactions to Kim are outrageous, I literally feel like I’m watching Kristen DiMerra duke it out in Salem on Days of our Lives. The theatrics are starting to rub off on Kim who decides to reenact how Kyle hid behind her coat on the plane and acted like a real pussybitch. As if that impression wasn’t enough, Kim turns the knife in Kyle’s fake tit by shouting that Kathy Hilton (all hail the Queen) is actually the better sister and would never hide behind a jacket, she would jump in the ring and defend Kim, the spinning head. BOOOOOOM. Kathy wins again and she’s not even present to look displeased with everything.
DING DING. What are we at now? Round 3? Kim tells Rinna, “Why don’t you have a piece of bread and you’ll calm down a little?” Oh haallll noooo you didn’t just tell her to eat carbs. Then Kim takes a shot at Harry Hamlin and I’ve never seen a chokehold form faster across a dinner table. Rinna comes out of a rage blackout and realizes she’s about to choke a bitch out on national television so instead throws her wine at Kim and shatters the wine glass off the table like a maniac. DON’T YOU EVA TOUCH MY HUSBAND she roars as she shakes from anger, picks up the glass shards and eats them like she’s the Grinch and that’s her regular diet. Just kidding, she doesn’t but she should’ve if she really wanted Kim to be afraid of her. Kyle darts outta there like the road runner in the desert. And it is GLORIOUS.
In the aftermath, essentially the whole group chooses Team Rinna because if you choose Team Kim you have to be Team Brandi too and no one wants a couple of fighting trash monsters on their team. There’s a whole lot of tears in the rain in an Amsterdam alley. Yo returns to the crime scene to hear Brandi complain about having glass in her skin, and Kim calm as a cucumber kicked back with her feet up on the public restaurant table, flipping her hair fancy free and funky fresh. Yo is like hey, Kim that wasn’t your best dinner. Brandi is quick to defend Kim because Rinna tried to choke her and THAT’S apparently not ok. Kyle is inconsolable and sobbing a lot and WHAT?! SHE’S MAKING SOMETHING ABOUT HERSELF? GET OUTTA HERE. She even needs captions because of her blubbering words about how no one even UNDERSTANDS what she goes through. The nearly upturned table in a quiet Amsterdam restaurant is left with no apologies or IOU’s for the broken wine glass, or their dignity.
Back at the hotel, Rinna says she never wants to speak to Kim again and she would also like to leave this country that has turned her into the Incredible Hulk. Eileen uses a whole lot of synonyms for disgusting to describe Kim and also cries because Kyle is crying? No, Eileen is crying because she won an Emmy for crying on TV and damnit if you all forget it! Rinna compares Kyle & Kim’s sister bond to an abusive relationship. I wonder what Kathy would think about all of this! No seriously, can we get her out to Amsterdam? Yo Brandi and Kim are suuupes concerned about picking shards of glass out of their hair. Kim tries to steal Eileen’s Emmy on pure talent when she does an impression of her yipping like a dog. I laughed out loud at it and I’m not embarrassed to admit it. Ms. Brandi is like whatevs guys, I’m just feeling #blessed that for once it wasn’t me who threw wine or a punch…As aggressive and despicable as this fight was, it’s solved within about 2 minutes the next morning when Kim goes to Rinna to apologize like a civil adult. BOOOOOOOOO.
Post-cage fighting match, apparently everything is hunky dory as the ladies mount up on bikes and explore Yo’s home countryside. The women make a real stink about not knowing how to straddle a Schwinn 10, which is shocking coming from this group of loose gooses. A disgusting bearded man living in a shoe, I mean, windmill, appears to greet the ladies and tell Yolanda that they used to date and make out a lot. This little confession probably had nothing to do with the camera crew there but regardless Yo was like I have no recollection of ever tongue-ing this hair monster, must be the Lyme disease brain erasing all of my sloppy Holland hookups. Lisa is quick to point out to Yo that this all could’ve been hers as she motions to his Keebler Elf windmill home. It’s times like these when I actually love Lisa.
As if stone cold sober fights in public aren’t enough, the ladies all decide that they should probably get high together in public at a coffee shop and everything will be dandy. I was against this wholeheartedly because I thought it would mellow the group out and make for boring TV, no worries though because it did the opposite. (PS Yo’s mom is a BADD bitch. She’s like yeah I’ve eaten a bunch of hash space cakes and never felt a thang. Drugs are old hat for her apparently.) At the coffee shop, Kyle acts like a real n00b. She sniffs the pot and and Yo tells her she looks like a loser tourist and she’s bringing down the cool factor of the group. People are starting to stare and no one is even smashing wine glasses. Then Kyle’s like is this how you roll a J HAHA I’m dumb and don’t know about marijuana but I think I’m high from the second hand smoke in here. Leave it to Brandi to tell it like it is when she says Kyle stop acting like a pot virg, we’ve smoked together before. (Can we unearth some footage of that pls, Bravo?) And Kyle is like WTF BRANDI I HAVE KIDS. (FTR: all of these women have kids……) I would encourage every single one of these kids to tape this episode and stash it away for future use because my parents told me they’ve never tried pot once, so getting this shit on camera is REAL gold. Even though they consumed one bite of an edible each and applauded each other like a bunch of nerds, Kyle buzzkills the whole night when she says she’s getting paranoid because she’s OBVIOUSLY so high from secondhand and they all have to leave.
In the street, Brandi has a tantrum with lots of noises because everyone can call her an alcoholic but the minute she whispers something about someone else all hell breaks loose. Everyone kind of stares at her and then keeps walking, which completely sums up how I’m feeling. One big conflict per episode please, I can’t take any more of this. They’re all over the dramz and Brandi is most certainly over this dumb trip with a bunch of fake-weed-loving prisses. Next week tune in to see the slap heard round the world with Carmen Sandiego, I mean Lisa Vanderpump.
Best Quotes:
“I don’t think you need a dick in your mouth to put food in their mouths. Sorry, just saying.”-Lisa explaining prostitution in the red light district or talking about Brandi? JK, JK. Love the shit out of cable TV.
Lisa (on a real roll this week) talks about riding the bike being serious sexual stimulation. Real talk: have I been bike riding wrong my whole life?
Eileen as role model to all girls of America: “I decided to give in because I’m weak and succumb to peer pressure.”
The Salty Ju 