Have you ever had a Sunday where you were so hung over that you moved from your bed, to the couch and back to your bed? Of course you have because sometimes drunk “you” decides that three tequila shots are completely reasonable and future “you” is like hey maybe that was a terrible decision. (This is just an example out of thin air, definitely not based on my real life.) Anyway, should the Hangover Sunday happen, I’ve developed a hard and fast cure in the form of finding a marathon of a TV show that will instantly make me feel better about how my life is going. This past particular Hangover Sunday, MTV was gracious enough to play a full day marathon of the original Teen Mom, in preparation for the new season of Teen Mom: OG. This was the PERFECT show to wither away to. Instead of laying around feeling like a failure and shading my eyes from the very bright sun shooting through my windows, I watched a bunch of teenagers try to be parents and yell at the doofus who knocked them up. I also decided to convert it into blog material so that should you be hung over one day and there isn’t a teen mom marathon, you can read this and feel like the shining star that you are. Here are the 10 times Teen Mom made me feel great about my lifestyle choices.
- When Gary picked a fight with Amber on her birthday over a “goddamn specialty cake” that he ordered for her. Easily my favorite moment in all of Teen Mom history is when Gary tells Amber that he’s not going to let her have a girls night out on her birthday and she hangs up on him. As punishment for hanging up on him and being “shitty” he takes away the specialty cake he ordered for her. Eventually he caves and gives it to her anyway with trick candles. Romance isn’t dead.
- All the times Catelynn’s mom tells her that she hates her and to shut the F up. Catelynn’s mom is probably the meanest person in the whole world. Every interaction she has with her daughter she snarls at her and Catelynn is like k love you, mom. Plus she’s real scary looking. So even in my unshowered and smelliest state I still look better than April. Win, Win.
- Every time Farrah’s mom gets the creepiest voice in the world and calls Sophia baby Goo. Farrah and her mom amp up the baby talk WAY too often and it makes me feel better to know that I will never ever talk to a child in this terrifying voice. Also baby goo is the worst term of endearment ever; minds well just call it ugly because that’s what it sounds like anyway.
- Amber and Gary break up for the 100th time and Amber meets a new man at Wal-Mart who immediately moves in with her 2 weeks later. The meet cute of your dreams, running into a man at Wal-Mart, then later picking him up for a date as he tells you he’s basically currently serving time. He also told her that meeting her in Wally world was the best day of his entire life. Swoooooon.
- Maci moves to Nashville to be with Kyle and they break up right quick. Maci actually is very normal and has her shit together so I try not to focus on her life when I’m trying to feel better about myself but this suuuuckked. She went through all the trouble to move to Nashville for Kyle and he was like k I’m over this, see ya later alligator. They ended up getting back together but whatevs, still rough.
- Gary plops his large amorphous body on the couch and plays his guitar. Gary is not only great at ordering specialty cakes and I’m sorry floral arrangements, he’s also a slightly less attractive John Mayer who will serenade you. Just kidding, he gets sad about getting his ass tossed to the curb by Amber and he strums his guitar on whoever’s couch he’s crashing on until she takes him back. Womp, wompppp.
- Farrah talks about how her dream is to open a restaurant and I think about how she’s currently a porn star. She also took out a loan to get a boob job. You know what they say, first comes the borrowing of money to buy a new set of tits, second comes “Back Door Teen Mom.” From the small screen to PornHub, Farrah has obviously achieved her dreams. But seriously though, I basically gave myself a standing O for the fact that I’ve never been struggling with rent and decided to ask the bank for a new rack.
- Amber beats the shit out of Gary in front of their screaming child and I remember that this kid now has footage to watch of her parents fighting and neglecting her. This is actually really terrible. But also needed to be included on this list because this is a real thing that they allowed to be on TV. Real Talk: Is Leah in therapy?
9. Catelynn’s braces/rubber bands. Can you imagine if your awkward braces years were forever engraved on national TV? Cause I’m thinking the fact that there are pictures of my braces are embarrassing enough. The colors, the chunkies, the rubber bands…Wooooooof.
10. Every time a child screams, cries or acts like a general turd, I feel fabulous that I can take a full day to become an amoeba on the couch, shove chips into my chip hole and never ever have to deal with a screaming or crying child. Three cheers for a kid free life!
Tune into the new season Teen Mom OG tonight at 10, I totes will not. (Wink)