RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Amster-Damn Slap”

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Welcome back to the Damn of Amster because Bravo is not yet finished with making a beautiful country into a lame pun. Last week was the wine glass throw down of Rinna vs. Kim and the street shouting of Brandi vs. Kyle and believe me, all is NOT forgotten, even though the ladies try their best to sweep that shit up into a wooden clog and tuck it out of sight.

The day activities consist of splitting off into teams. Yo wakes up feeling too tired to leave bed, because Lyme disease and so she ducks out for the day (I would too if my choices were to hang out with these assholes or lounge in a five star hotel.) Rinna decides to go shopping with Brandi, Kim and Lisa because she knows that if she goes with Kyle and Eileen they’ll just talk shit about Kim the whole time and she’s hashtag over it.

While out and about, the shopping crew of deviants make a bunch of sexual jokes about back scratchers at an upscale clothing store and then find their way into a sex shop. They look at nipple tassels and dildos and continue their general public display of American trashfest. Kim gets real jazzed about a dildo or something and gets into Rinna’s personal box to reenact how she should pleasure herself with it, Rinna doesn’t bounce a wineglass off of her though so I guess they’re buds now. To recap: talking about masturbating is AOK, talking about drinking is NOT. While they’re teaching each other how they spend their evenings, the “classier” duo of Kyle and Eileen explore the museums. Kyle feels it’s necessary to state I LOVE MUSEUMS right before she points out the dick size on a statue. She continues her campaign to remind us she was never really educated when she struggled to read the I Amsterdam sign that tourists take an obligatory picture in front of. After this busy day of stupidity I feel like a real rocket scientist.

Eileen tells everyone who will listen that she’s still ticked off about being called a beast with no apology from Kim. I mean, girl’s got a point. She sits down with Rinna to say that her reunion with Kim and acting like nothing happened is BS. Rinna says handle your own problems with Kim because I’m terrified of her showing up at my house in the middle of the night with Monty the scary ghost and a machete.

At night, Yolanda the Great emerges from her day of sleeping looking like a knockout in a white dress. Seriously does she ever look bad? She has organized a dinner cruise on the Canal with all of the ladies and even though she planned it she probably knows how terrible it is to pack a small river boat with women who drink and throw down every time they’re in the same room. This time there’s no escape from the inevitable fight that will break out so, plot twist.

Kyle can’t just sit with the girls and act normal as they take selfies and pretend they didn’t hurl glass at each other so she excuses herself to look like the victim, as always. While she’s pouting in the corner, Brandi stirs shit up with Eileen and it starts out nice and obviously takes a sharp left into bitchytown. She says Eileen called her an alcoholic and Eileen was like nope, def didn’t do that. To be clear, Eileen has absolutely played this game the correct way because TECHNICALLY she never called Brandi an alchie and Bravo’s got footage to prove it. She also never directly accused Kim of falling off the wagon. It’s almost as if Eileen has an Emmy or something because she knows exactly what she’s saying in front of the cameras and the two crazies don’t have a leg to stand on with their accusations. Brandi knows it too because she gets backed into a corner and then is like OKAY everyone this isn’t a soap opera…we’re trying to have a lovely night. Nice try, Brandi, you can’t light the fire and then put it out looking for hero worship. Simmer down.

Might we also take a 30 second T.O. to talk about how terribly hideous Lisa’s hat is and how distracting it is as it sits atop, literally perched, on her head? It’s almost worse than Eileen’s MK&A bucket hat from the wine tossing dinner, but still can’t beat that headwear catastrophe.

Anyway, back to the Lamb Chop Sing-along of fights, the fight that never ends. As the girls raise their voices and shout things at each other, they also clap their hands together like seals to emphasize the point they’re trying to make. It’s actually pretty hilarious to watch women clap and yell at each other. Brandi tries to close up shop on this conversation again by making an LOL about each woman at the table, she’s like Lisa will keep sleeping around LA and Kim will keep popping pills and I’ll keep tossing back drinks and Eileen will continue to be a home wrecker. And Eileen is like HOLDUP, twat. Kim the trusty sidekick is like oh, lighten up Eileen HAHA, knock, knock, you’re a home wrecker– it’s just a quick joke, no biggie. At this point Yo would like to go back to bed, instead she leaves and sits down for a nice peaceful dinner by herself. Some of the ladies start to follow suit except for Kyle, Brandi and Kim who continue their fight over the shell of a woman that Kim is. I don’t even pay attention to what they’re saying to each other because I’ve heard this fight roughly 5 times this season now and it only grabs my attention when they get physical. Yawn. I spend the majority of this time to figure out if the boat is actually moving or if they are still docked near land for safety precautions. Brandi says “Vice versa, homie.” (No seriously, she calls Kyle homie), the ladies shout at the top of their lungs that they wish each other happiness and jab their arms around and Kim cries.

Everyone limps over to the dinner table after they’ve filled up on their appetizer of pure hate and disgust. Lisa leaves her hat on at dinner, unfortunately. Yo is like maybe we get along or we find new friends to film a TV show with. Brandi decides for everyone that they’re going to get along by playing a game of go around the table and say something nice about each person. This went about as well as you would expect. I will now break down some of the most cringe worthy forced compliments I have ever heard:

Eileen:

Kim-You’re a good mom.

Brandi-You have nice eyes

Kyle- You’re generous and kind and have a good heart.

Yolanda:

Brandi- You have a good waist.

Lisa- You love your husband as much as I love mine. (Is this a compliment? Really, Lisa?)

Kyle- You have a good heart, blah blah (essentially the same thing she said to Eileen.)

Lisa:

Brandi- You have great taste.

Rinna:

Kim- I love your energy and your heart.

Kyle:

Kim- You’re a great mom (enough with the repeats, you couldn’t think of anything better for your own sister?)

Brandi- You have nice hair.

Kim:

Rinna- You are a winner had have a beautiful heart and soul and I love you.

Brandi- You’re a ray of sunshine and we’re friends for some F’ed up reason.

Brandi obviously only says superficial shit and that’s because she’s trying to keep it positive. She also abruptly cuts the game short before they can get to her because she knows everyone hates her and doesn’t need to hear fake compliments like she just forced everyone else to do. Kim’s round was when things got real weird. Like really, Rinna? YOU ALMOST CHOKED THIS WOMAN ONE NIGHT AGO…and now you love her and think she has a beautiful soul, Jesse McCartney style? Also I know that I have been referencing Bridesmaids a lot lately but Brandi’s drunk compliment to Kim absolutely IS this scene on the plane, right? Is Brandi trolling us?

4-Bridesmaids-quotes

In the end, they force Brandi to sit down and take a bunch of made up compliments and she reacts by getting very drunk and trying to kiss Lisa and “reenact Love Boat” as they leave for the night. Lisa tries to push her off like Brandi’s a drunk frat bro forcing herself onto her and Brandi is like HAHA let’s slap each other, I’ll go first and slaps Lisa across the face. The hat stays intact. NO MEANS NO, BRANDI. The next morning each woman involved in “The Slap” (not to be confused with the most promoted TV show about a child getting slapped ever to occur.) Obviously Brandi’s like lawlz, whoops and Lisa and Kyle are like she’s dead to me. Next week we’re STILL IN AMSTERDAM and then we’re not, and then there’s more fighting between the ray of sunshine with a beautiful soul and the one who has great hair. Also the return of Adrienne “I’m better than this show until I need a paycheck again” Maloof.

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