IT’S BAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAACK! The last time I JUiced was Sept 7th, 2021. WOW. I took three years off from rounding up the celeb headlines each week and gettin real mouthy about them. Honestly, for a while it felt like we were hearing more about Z-list reality TV drama in the goss rags than actual celebs. And The Salty Ju doesn’t perpetuate that shit. I wanna talk high-class divorces like Bennifer, not what the cast of Little People, Big World buy at the Piggly Wiggly. Lately, we’ve been getting some big juicy stories and I cannot keep a muzzle on it. I GOTTA SHOUT MY HOT TAKES INTO THE VOID. MAMA NEEDS HER JUice!
1. Nikki Bella Files for Divorce.
BIG Bella Twins stan here. I used to live for their reality show, I read their memoir, and perhaps took it a *little* too personally when Nikki called off the wedding with John Cena. John went on to marry a Nikki clone, proving he certainly has a type, and Nikki rebounded with Artem, formerly her DWTS partner. The early days of their romance played out on their TV show and as I watched her express doubts about him or if she was even over calling off a wedding to a man she had been with for YEARS like the week it was supposed to go down…I had a strong notion this wasn’t a forever coupling. Then she got preggers as celebs tend to do, and obviously they gave it a real shot and even ended up televising their wedding, which TBH, when I watched that I still was like SHOULD THESE TWO MAKE THIS OFFICIAL?! But everything has been all roses on social media, much like this anniversary post just a couple weeks ago: (I imagine this will be removed in the near future but I couldn’t screenshot because it’s a video so enjoy it while you can.)
Well, that love story came to a crashing halt three days after this post when Artem was arrested for domestic violence. Not many deets were released and neither Artem or Nikki addressed it publicly, but I read somewhere that he was actually the one who called 911 and claimed she threw a shoe at him, and then when cops showed up it was clear who had injuries and who didn’t. Since the arrest, Nikki hosted a hot dog eating competition on Netflix without her ring, and OBVIOUSLY former dancing partners of Artem have noted that he was aggressive or said weird shit that maybe pointed in the direction of him being a dirtbag. BIG YIKES. Not that I feel good about any of this, but I’ll be a nosy nelly til I’m 6 ft under, especially with celebs I’ve ridden so hard for, and I’ve been TUNED IN trying to get more info on the sitch. Did I think they would last? Absolutely not. But did I think she was a victim of DV? Never. I mean, that’s 1/2 of the Bella Twins, a WWE wrestler. HOW YOU GONNA SMACK THAT AROUND?! Credit to her for dropping the divorce hammer almost immediately. She filed this week citing the date of separation as the day of the arrest and I was shocked. I thought for sure they’d do trial separation or try to work things out, but as my sister so perfectly put it: “When the whole world knows your husband beats you and you were a WWE star you better file QUICK.” More power to her! We are FIRMLY Team Nikki. FINISH HIM.
2. There Goes My Hero.
When I tell you I CACKLED when this news dropped. You mean to tell me that the lead singer of a rock band that’s been regularly touring for literal decades CHEATS ON HIS WIFE?! I mean good lord, how is this news?! Musicians and athletes have been spreading their seed since the dawn of time. But apparently people are shocked by this. Here’s Dave’s official statement on the matter:
Love the “born outside of my marriage” terminology like it’s the Puritan era. Wherefore art thou condoms, Dave? Dave’s kids are grown so first and foremost let’s send some T’s and P’s to him for having to start over with “raising” a child. I’m not naive enough to think that he’ll do any of the raising, but I imagine if you’re going to go public with this and stir shit up, he at least intends to be a part of this baby’s life and probably section off a portion of his riches for child support. If I had to crystal ball the future here, I’d say wifey sticks with him. In fact, I’d be surprised if she doesn’t. When you marry a rockstar, you HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SIGNING UP FOR. She made that choice and will probably continue to make it and look the other way when he tours his wiener all over the globe for years to cum.
3. RIP to a LEGEND.
RIP to my childhood, more like it. James Earl Jones was THE voice. I mean, when Lion King is one of the first movies you remember watching as a child, you’re never going to forget the iconic voice of Mufasa. Or the scene where he’s brutally murdered in a stampede ordered by his brother in front of his infant son. THANKS FOR THAT TRAUMA I NEVER ASKED FOR, DISNEY. Simba trying to get Mufasa to wake up is a horror that is seared into my brain for life. FU SCAR. But literally, we went from the WISE words and guiding hand of Mufasa from beyond death to the owner of THE BEAST in the Sandlot, to the writer who tells Ray that PEOPLE WILL COME. (I realize in the order of things, that movie was made first, but I wasn’t old enough to watch it so I went in chronological order for MY childhood est.1991.) Also, sorry I wasn’t a Star Wars girlie, but I know him being Darth was a BFD too. I love that he lived a long life, but also I’m in my feels about this one. Let’s be in our feels together and watch a supercut of the greatest voice of all time. Legends never die.
Kinda old news, but this week this headline surfaced on People.com: Blake Lively Was ‘Upset’ by It Ends With Us Drama: ‘It Felt Very Out of Control to Her’ (Exclusive). YA THINK? So here’s the scoop for anyone who has a penis and didn’t follow the Colleen Hoover DRAMZ that went down at the beginning of August. Colleen Hoover is all the rage right now with females because she writes juicy novels that bitches can’t stop reading. She’s tackled love stories, creepy thrillers, and complicated trauma. The latter is what got made into a movie first, but knowing how she churns out books and clearly sells out to Hollywood, this will be the first of MANY adaptations from Hoove-dawg. Movie was shot in Jersey City (WHADDUP JOYSEY), Blake is the lead and plays a victim of domestic violence, it was MUCH chatted about while filming because they made her look absolutely disgusting and wear some of the frumpiest outfits I’ve ever seen. Her co-lead and abusive boyf is played by Justin Baldoni, who also directed the film and owns the rights to this book and its sequel. As the press tour began, it became VERY clear that Justin was separated from the rest of the cast. Blake was exclusively doing press with the other male co-lead (spoiler alert he doesn’t beat her and therefore comes across as the far superior choice to end up with) and even at the premieres, pretty much no one interacted with Justin. Then he started getting soupy in interviews, laying it on thicc that Blake should direct the next film. Around that time it comes out that he fat-shamed Blake while filming (she had popped a baby out like 5 mins before starting this movie) and that he was aggressive and a dick to many of the cast and it was a not so nice work environment. THEN Justin hires the same PR person that Johnny Depp hired when he was being DRAGGED through the mud from his toxic dump of a relationship with Amber Heard and suddenly the press turns on Blake. For weeks we heard about how Blake wasn’t taking the themes of this movie seriously, resurfacing old interview clips where she comes across as a real mean girl, and suddenly Justin looks like roses and Hollywood has cancelled Blake, a woman and 1/2 of a power couple who they’ve quite literally slobbered over for years now. My, my, how the turn tables.
Now here’s my take. I think Justin sucks. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and if your entire cast and crew is basically isolating you on your own red carpet, you probably were a real doucheroni of a director and no one wants to associate with you. As much as I’ve had a raging boner for Blake for my entire adult life, I think she sucked at promoting this movie too. She was VERY into the florals and cutesy aspect of it, and she definitely leaned hard into marketing it like it was this adorable rom-com and not like it’s the unfolding of an abusive relationship from start to finish. She was all WEAR YOUR BEST FLORALS AND GRAB ALL YOUR GIRLIES AND HIT THE THEATERS TO SEE ATLAS THAT SWOONWORTHY MAN HUNK! Don’t believe me? Here’s my also swoonworthy man hunk husband to approve this message! We get it, babe. So really, no one was 100% crushing it here and more importantly for a movie that was shoved down our throats for basically a whole calendar year, it was out of theaters 3 weeks later. Tell me how that makes sense? You want people to go back to the movies so you can keep making bigger budget films, yet you only want them to come opening weekend? How about you give us a chance to get to the crusty ole theaters in the dead of summer when we’re all vacationing and beachin it up and cherishing the sun, which is about to go into hibernation for the next 7 months. You done goofed up because you lost ticket sales from the women in my family who all wanted to go together Labor Day Weekend with our wine. And we WOULD’VE bought the large popcorn too, so HA. In summary, everyone involved with this movie can suck it. I’m sure this won’t be the last time we hear about this mess, which I spent several weeks telling everyone was fabricated to get people talking about the movie, and honestly I would’ve respected it more if that turned out to be true.
Yeah, I know how old I am. So old that I appreciated them putting Eminem as the opener so that if I chose to go to bed or felt horrified and ancient by the hoochies that followed, I could rest easy knowing I saw the only act I’d know. (Although, Fat Joe comin at 8:50 PM…did not have that on my VMA lottery. LEANBACK!) But guess what, being old makes for great comedy when judging these ‘fits. It’s like if you were to scroll through red carpet photos with your grandma. I gasped on more than one occasion.
PS People.com had 130 photos from this red carpet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? About 70% of those photos were nobodies. I know because I scrolled all the way to the bottom in awe of the fact that just about anyone can strut an MTV carpet these days. Let’s relax on that shit. Stop trying to keep the Real Housewives of New Jersey relevant by inviting them. Here’s a v. small sampling of who was important and/or any outfit that got a visceral reaction from me. I’m not even sorting best or worst dressed because it’s like viewing a circus and you’ll know what I think about each outfit immediately anyway.
I love a c*nty hood moment. (Did I us the c-word correctly? Gays? LMK.) The fact that the hood is also somehow gloves may break my brain and I really respect the classy nude monochrome. No clue who this is, but she looks amaze.
I will never get over the fact that this is Tom Hanks’ son. What a goon. Ready to hit the ice and serve a mean knucklepuck OR go full blown motocrossed. Whatever he wants because he’s the son of Hollywood royalty.
Fat Joe ain’t fat no mo! Seems like it’s time for a rebrand. Ozempic Joe?
Snooki knows exactly where she came from and what made her a reality TV sensation and God Bless for her continuing to deliver even though she’s a full-grown adult and mom of three. Still crushing leopard print, a chunky heel, and big hair. RESPECT SNICKERS. RESPECT.
Oh are lollipops accessories now? The dress is Forever 21 and the lolli is Charms Blow Pop, strawberry flavor. Thx.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can never make a trench coat high fashion chic, it’s always going to give school shooter vibes.
Not a good enough reason to show your nip nops, Benson. Also, leave it to the guy who’s making waves for soulful power ballads that get me in my feels to dress like a real pervert ice dancer. I won’t be able to unsee this the next time I’m scream-singing Beautiful Things in my car.
This was a gasp. Not only is it hideous, but I don’t need a full-frontal view of your belly snake. Ya that’s right. I said it. I get it. You’re trying to dress like a moonman to manifest taking one home. (Assuming you’re nominated…no clue who you are.) There are FOR SURE cuter astronaut-esque lewks out there. And while we’re on the topic, because why not, these barrel pants that are becoming a thing deserved to be burned in hell. A pant that makes you look like you have elephantiasis of the leg?! JAIL. TY for coming to my Ted Talk.
Thanks for showing up in your jammies to shout WE THE BEST, DJ Khaled. Don’t eva change.
BIRD LADY. This is terrifying. No THX.
Honestly what the hell am I looking at here? Sweatband silk chic? Why is the top just drooping in front of her crotch like they forgot to cut it? Ugh. As THAT girl of the Olympics this year, I had higher expectations for her to pop off on this carpet and this is atrocious.
Enjoy your five mins, Shaboozester! You earned it with one of the catchiest hits of the summer. Cuffed jeans and camel toe boots aren’t really helping your case tho…
We get it girl, you’re hot and tan. I spent my summer at the beach securing a lifelong payment of tolls at the dermatologist’s office but you don’t see me rolling up to Jenks in my undies to show off my hard work. Judging by the high cut of these ‘roos, I imagine the reverse view is fully cheeked up. K E W L.
This is so thirsty for VS Angels that I’m embarrassed for her. Not only is she desp for pair of wings, but also this isn’t even flattering. Cone boobs, granny panties and a peep-toe heel? Barf all over me.
I love a leop print but FIRE ENGINE RED?! It’s a no from me, dawg.
This is the EXACT moonman ‘fit I was looking for earlier. See?! There is a way to get inspired by a moonman but not look like a bag of crap. It’s majestic and super flattering.
NO! GOD PLEASE! NO! NOOOOOOOO! Do NOT bring back to the sopping wet red carpet look that the Kardashians BEAT TO DEATH in 2016. DON’T DOOO ITTTTTTT.
Watch out for my medallion, my diamonds are reckless, feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace! But seriously what is that goblin hanging off her neck? And more importantly, how many times did her right tit flop out?
Cyndi still killin it in her seventies. SEV-EN-TIES.
I’m not really a witchy girl, as you might’ve been able to tell from the fact that I cry when summer’s over and shove neon colors and heart-shaped sunglasses down your grillpiece, but I can appreciate that she’s pulling this off. It’s almost fall (for those who choose to recognize that season) and this spooky Morticia-lite is werking.
Sure, wear a full helmet but DON’T YOU DARE COVER UP THOSE ABS, bruh. Head to toe leather but the belly button MUST be on display.
Really only included this because I’m SHOCKED these two are still together. Never would’ve guessed a relashe that started with cheating (for both parties) and a newborn baby left behind would last this long. I guess the couple that wears matching black suits stays together.
Chica Karol G dressed like a literal hot cheeto.
Jack went for the 1994 dad specialty. Ill-fitted rust colored button down and black slacks. The woven belt really sent me. And then his wife took notes from Suki Waterhouse and also dressed like a crow. She looks great, he looks like he’s stressed from a day full of selling printer toner and yelled at the kids to turn off Fresh Prince and go do their homework.
Wearing a tie as a necklace with no shirt. Only Lenny. No notes.
Shawn looks hawt. And he knows it too. Probably felt he needed to show up stuntin his A game as not one but *two* scorned exes who he happened to mack on at the same time this year would be present and performing. And true to the drama, they’ve all got songs about each other.
Bout to make some enemies but I’m already over Chappell Roan and she’s been famous for like 30 seconds. Bitch came out of nowhere. All of a sudden two weeks ago I’m reading about Chappell Roan hating being famous and I literally said to myself WHO? If you’re making a big stink about being famous and you’ve been here for a hot minute, see yourself out. Or in your own words, GOOD LUCK, BABE! She loves wearing eccentric outfits like this renaissance faire specialty and between her super annoying songs, the costume gimmick, and her rage for getting attention whilst seeking attention…I’m all set. My hate grew three sizes when she went to accept New Artist wearing knight metals that were jangling and clearly uncomfortable and getting in her eyes as she tried to speak. Sure, you want to make a statement with your ‘fit but AT WHAT COST?!
She looks fabulous. Marilyn Monroe glam for a chick who sings about what her cooch tastes like. Flawless.
No.
Kneejerk reaction is that the bottom looks like a scarecrow. Now that I’ve typed that out I feel like it makes no sense. But I’m gonna double down. It’s the tie part. MEGAN THEE SCARECROW. Boom. Roasted.
Saved the best for last. JK I didn’t have any control on how these photos uploaded. I hated this, obviously. I took one look at her trying to be punk rock edgy in plaid and was like omg go home, nerd. Then honestly I saw what hot garbage everyone else was wearing and it grew on me. If we take out those ridiculous leather fingerless gloves that go up to her armpits, it looks good. And obviously, tune into the Swifties to see what this outfit and her mid-show change means because of course it is FULL OF EASTER EGGS.
Long-time lover and consumer of *most* things true-crime (living alone and immersing myself in brutal crimes don’t always go hand in hand), I don’t know that I’ve ever devoted an entire blog to a case. However, after guzzling down three series on the Laci Peterson murder, and having a hot take, I felt it was time to sear my thoughts into the internet forever and give you the scoop on each docu-series. I guess we could say this blog contains spoilers but if you didn’t hear about this murder that was legit on every news station and magazine cover 20 years ago then I’m concerned for you. Also feels a little odd to reference spoilers when it comes to a woman and her unborn child being murdered as this is real life and not the latest blockbuster. Basically, if you don’t want to dedicate any time to watching these three series, you can use this blog as a summary of takeaways, or you can use it as a teaser to decide if you want to watch. Either way, I think it goes without saying that the murder of a woman who was just beginning her life and her first baby is horrific and I’m not trying to downplay that fact or create some sort of sensational blog about it. I’m simply sharing my opinion based on what I’ve consumed, with some Salty Ju sarcasm sprinkled in.
Hulu (A&E): The Murder of Laci Peterson, 2017
This is the first doc I watched that flipped my whole perspective on this case and made me a Scott Peterson is innocent truther. I mean, I was literally bringing this murder up in casual Christmas party convo so that I could tell the unsuspecting victim of my doc-fueled chatter that Scott was wrongfully accused and we need to get him out of jail. Let it be known that I am ABSOLUTELY the perfect consumer of docs. I’m the type of person that will absorb the info presented to me in a documentary and not only think I’m an expert on the topic, but also believe every single thing that was said without question. Obviously every doc has an angle and is showing you the story they want you to see. But I’m usually flying too high on having all this newfound knowledge that I don’t even care about a controversial take being spoonfed to me. I remember literally ARGUING with someone that they didn’t know Scott like I did. From a 6-part series. I also spent a very obnoxious week acting like an aviation expert after seeing the doc about the missing Malaysian flight. Unrelated but totally related, I’m very aware of why I’m still single. Much like Scott….who got FRAMED by the court of public opinion to be a cheating dirtbag sociopath murderer.
Although I haven’t revisited this series since I originally watched it in 2019, I do remember really enjoying it (clearly) and would recommend it for anyone dipping their toe in the “did Scott really do it?” waters. It presented the counter-evidence in a direct way for dummies like me to be like hmm..it IS weird that I never knew they lived 5 mins away from a high-crime area. And hmm, that burglary that happened the same day directly across the street wasn’t reported on the cover of People magazine… My takeaway after watching this and what I’ll MOST definitely repeat throughout this blog as we’re talking about the same case being trotted out and dissected by 3 different directors/producers, is that at the end of the day, a man was convicted of a murder and sentenced to death with no DNA evidence or eyewitness testimony. The evidence that they did have was all circumstantial and YES IT LOOKS VERY, VERY BAD. His somewhat sociopathic void of all emotions demeanor from the minute he reported her missing to the day he was arrested, the extra-marital affair he had where he told this woman his wife was gone, driving very far away to go fishing and having homemade cement anchors and the bodies washing ashore where he was fishing that day. Do all of those things make Scott look like a stone cold killer? Yea, 100%. And that’s how he got convicted. Because I never heard a LICK about any of this other evidence to show that something else could’ve happened. So once you start to hear the evidence that isn’t all about Scott, it definitely makes you wonder if he actually did it. I’ll dive into that evidence more from the other doc because it’s fresher in my mind and I can’t remember what specifically was covered in this one or what has evolved since. But the bottom line is, knowing this other evidence was out there and not really as widely shared as the pieces condemning Scott, I would not be able to pin this murder on him beyond a reasonable doubt.
Netflix : American Murder – Laci Peterson, 2024
As it’s now the 20 year anniversary of this case, we must of course get more content on it. I had heard stirrings of Scott getting picked up by The Los Angeles Innocence Project this year and wasn’t surprised that we would be getting something new from him now that there might be fresh info in the case. I was, however, surprised that Laci’s family clearly wanted to put something out there too. Hollywood hasn’t quite figured it out yet as they regurgitate the same content over and over again but there is such a thing as too much repetition. This is a 20 year old case that was well-documented in the media and someone has been on death row for since it happened. We don’t need b2b docs from each family within a week of each other. Clearly Netflix cut a deal with Laci’s crew and Peacock cut a deal with Scott’s. And true to the case, they are very much dueling opinion docs. If you 100% believe without a doubt that Scott is the killer, watch this VERY heavy – handed HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO OUR BB GIRL Netflix doc. If you aren’t fully convinced, watch the Peacock special. If there’s one thing both sides can agree on it’s that the Modesto cops who were a part of both docs, certainly don’t shy away from camera time or a fat appearance paycheck. And anytime there is any comment or accusation that they perhaps dropped the ball on some things or honed in on Scott prematurely, putting blinders up to any contrary evidence to that theory, they deny it completely and say they’re confused as to why there’s even a question of if he did it. Not that I expect two detectives to publicly admit any wrongdoing with such a highly publicized case, but also, they don’t need to keep doing interviews about it either.
This was a fluff piece, which Laci’s family has every right to make in attempts to remind us all that she was real and her life was taken. But other than more glimpses into who she was as a person, there was really no new information about the murder presented. The interviews included Laci’s mom, a few of her gal pals, Scott’s sister & sister in law, other woman Amber Frey, and the cops. Home footage was used of Laci, lots of photographs, lots of stories about how she lit up a room (there’s a reason there’s a meme about that phrase. You light up a room and you’re as good as dead. Nothin to worry about for me, which is comforting.) The timeline and circumstantial evidence of the case is laid out. You get walked through everything again and cop interviews as well as news footage from that time is all used. So if you’re not familiar with the case or don’t remember the deets, this is all a good refresher but keep in mind that it’s presented by the police who wanted to nail Scott from night one. I don’t care how comfortable you are as a cop but I’ve seen enough true crime docs to know that the interrogation footage is always included and that cop ALWAYS looks like a total dickbag. I’ve never seen an interview room clip where the cop isn’t lying or trying to coerce the person to say something or admit something. It’s infuriating. If I’m ever arrested you bet your nip nops I’m not squealing a sentence other than I want a lawyer. The way they take advantage of people who think they’re just helping by answering some questions is cringeworthy to say the least. At one point I believe the detective even said why don’t you take a polygraph, I wont be able to use it for anything but it’ll rule you out, it’s no big deal. Oh yea, just take a lie detector test that I will 100% pin your guilt to! Anyway, I got off track with my F the po-lice rant. This doc also includes some insider info from Laci’s mom and close friends that there were some red flags about Scott from the start. He seemed obsessed with showing off and love bombing her. They got married young and Laci was a little nervous about marrying him. Supposedly he told her he never wanted kids and then “changed his mind.” Just typical narcissistic a*hole behavior from a young hot shot. Again, you’ll never catch me saying Scott’s a cool dude. He sucks. He was for sure a shit husband who had no business being married or becoming a dad. But does that mean he’s a murderer? If you really want to get deep, I think he was way too pretty boy to be a murderer. Seems like the type that wouldn’t even change his own oil so he’s for sure not offing his wife and dumping her into the sea. Doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, might mess up his backswing. ~*~ but that’s just my opinion ~*~
Peacock: Face to Face with Scott Peterson, 2024
When they advertised this as the first time Scott would do an interview in 20 years, I nearly shit my pants in anticipation. August 20th couldn’t come fast enough. This was it, my king of innocence who I’ve ridden hard for since 2019 was going to get out in front of it and give us all a reason to believe he’s been rotting on death row for NOTHIN. And then I watched episode one. And holy shit this was a letdown. So much so, that instead of tearing through all three episodes, it took me almost a week to get through it. Honestly, he should’ve stayed off camera. There’s a reason his lawyer didn’t have him testify. Boy does NOT give good interview. Which we obviously know from 2004 when he did a media tour and made everyone hate him 18 billion times harder. He’s monotone, he shows no emotion, and he can’t seem to explain away any of the things that make him look like a murderer. Which…was the whole point of interviewing him. The things he said, and did, and lied about, and the shady activities in and around his boat. He didn’t have a concrete explanation for literally ANYTHING. If I were him I’d be bringing Heather from RHOSLC energy to these interviews with the filmmaker.
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His standard answer for everything was some variation of, “that’s crazy that they said that or thought that.” Well that’s how you ended up getting sentenced to death, Scotty boy. I don’t know if he’s truly a psychopath or if he just doesn’t present well and has a lot of internal strife, but keeping him out of this would’ve made this doc much more convincing. Because again, I was convinced once before and reminded once again, that there is other evidence out there that was never presented at trial or was dismissed or explained away by the police. The biggest one being A BURGLARY THAT HAPPENED ACROSS THE STREET FROM LACI’S HOUSE THE DAY SHE WENT MISSING. I’m sorry but that is not coincidence.
And since you’ve been patiently waiting, I’ll hit on some of the other pieces of evidence that were buried or explained away by police. The police interviewed a neighbor who saw their dog wandering around with its leash on and put her in their backyard at like 10ish in the morning. That ONE interview created the entire timeline for Laci’s murder. They refused to hear anything that countered this theory and decided that because this woman found the dog at 10am, Laci was already dead. There were MULTIPLE eyewitnesses that saw Laci walking the dog after this time. There were witnesses to the burglary that occurred across the street that morning and ID’ed non-white men with a brown van. Two whites came forward and confessed to the burglary and said they absolutely had nothing to do with Laci’s disappearance. Also claimed they did the act after Christmas, which wouldn’t have been possible as Laci’s street was storming with cops and media at that time. No one is pulling off a home invasion in that environment and obviously it wasn’t these guys who did it or at least they weren’t the only ones who did it, they might’ve just been fall guys. In more eyewitness accounts, a man and his wife saw a pregnant woman being pulled into a van and what looked like a struggle. A correctional officer overheard a conversation with inmates that had to do with the burglary and Laci and tried to report it multiple times and they never followed up with him from the tip line. A burned van fitting the description of the burglary was found days later and the police tested it, concluded it wasn’t involved and then were done with it. Same thing with a homemade anchor found in the water near where the bodies washed up. They literally threw the anchor back into the water. Laci’s very specific diamond watch that Scott gifted her showed up at a pawn shop days after her disappearance. Do you remember hearing about any of this evidence? NOPE YOU SURE DON’T BECAUSE THEY EITHER OUTRIGHT BURIED IT OR SAID IT WAS STUPID. I mean literally, the Modesto cops flat out (in both docs) said this is all stupid, Scott did it. They didn’t have any sort of understanding as to why we (Scott Innocence Truthers) would be like well, this is a little fishy and seems like legit evidence to present alongside the prosecution’s evidence. Scott’s family had hired private investigators and there was a reporter formerly with ABC I believe who also became invested in the case over the years and was looking into all of this evidence and digging deeper. The biggest thing that made me think twice was when it was pointed out that police shared Scott’s alibi on day 1 or 2 of Laci’s disappearance at a public press conference. If you had her or had her body, you now know exactly where to dump it so that it gets pinned to Scott. And honestly, I never once thought about that but it’s NOT OUTLANDISH! You share the exact area he’s fishing on that day and all of the deets and that would be a prime opportunity for whoever killed her to get away Scott-Free.
So anyway, as it stands now, Scott is no longer on death row, and the Innocence Project is trying to make appeals for some of the new evidence to be considered/tested. Unfortunately, they were denied the right to get DNA testing on a TON of evidence, which according to this doc was unheard of. No one has ever really been denied so I don’t know how hopeful this whole thing really is. But they did get approved for testing of one thing I believe, and if Scott’s DNA isn’t on that one thing, he’s out of prison (according to his sister in law who became a lawyer after he was convicted so she could help get him out of jail.) This is definitely the type of case where you’re firmly for or against Scott and both docs had a mixture of the vitriol that people feel toward him and how they believe in their bones that he’s a killer and the ‘he cheated on his wife and kinda sucks but that doesn’t make him a murderer’ side. If there’s one thing I know for sure, they will continue to push out content about this with updates via The Innocence Project. After being somewhat let down by these two recent dueling docs, I’m not sure if I’ll be foaming at the mouth to see anything more on this topic, but I will be interested to see how things progress with them trying to get him out based on this defense evidence that was never presented twenty years ago before a group of 12 jurors decided he should die. And of course, I wouldn’t be a comedy blog if I didn’t mention the obvious…Scott looks pretty damn good for being in prison for half of his life now. In an MFK sitch, I’d probably F him. Definitely wouldn’t M him as we’re not 1000% convinced he wouldn’t kill me, and I’ll leave the K to the US gov if he ends up back on death row. *Note: all of this is a joke and very, very unserious and I mean no disrespect but also I’m here to entertain and if you just read a full true-crime ramble from me, you deserve to end it with a laugh.**Double Note: If he flipped that hat backwards it’d be on like Donkey Kong.
Oh, did you think this annual Jersey adventures recap blog was going to stop at year two? That’s cute. If anything, I’ve upped the ante by creating GardenStateGoofin, an account SPECIFICALLY for all of my Jerseylicious dalliances. All jokes aside, I will make a Grade A effort to be much briefer in this year-long summary of activities than I have in years past. Key word being effort. Sure, I can’t sit still and if I don’t have an activity planned for a weekend my head nearly explodes, but also, I get that not every activity is worthy of a never-ending ramble. That being said, while the stuff I share through my content on IG/TikTok is all positive vibes because no one wants to be tagged in a “your place stinks” post, you know you can count on me to keep it real over here and serve the tea. Let’s dive in to year 3 in Jersey, year 1 living in a beach town!*
*If I may quickly address this, obviously the biggest difference this past year was that I finally achieved my dream of living at the beach. And if you read my Side Hustlin Hack blog, you know it hasn’t been easy to maintain the beach lifestyle in this economy. I have to be both a penny pincher and work multiple jobs to hang onto this dream for dear life. So, I just wanted to say for realsies how grateful I am to be here and I’ve tried not to take any of it for granted because I also know what it’s like to get laid off and have to move back home. I’ve spent a lot of time this year appreciating not only the town I live in but also the condo I’ve landed as well – can’t beat my peaceful balcony view of boats passing through the canal! Basically romanticizing every little thing that I do like I’m the main character of a romance novel has become my way of life and I’ve loved it so much and also would love it if my romantic co-star would enter stage left now and whisk me and my beach cruiser right into the sunset. Kthxbyeeeeeeee!
Last Swim at The Jersey Shore.
Please mark Aug 13th on your calendars as the triumphant day that I returned to the ocean to overcome my recent fear of swimming here and also the traumatic experience of almost dying and declaring that I’ll never go back in. A real rollercoaster of emotions on this day. I have revealed to many friends (and probably all of you at some point too) that I’ve never been afraid of swimming in the ocean, but I’m also not overly confident about it either. I grew up vacationing in Jersey and Cape Cod and always went swimming with my Dad and older sister (my middle sister quit the ocean before she reached double digits when she learned fish poop and pee in it.) I won’t say I’m a strong swimmer by any means, but I floated around and enjoyed a dip or two on the occasional summer vacay. In 2018 I went on vacay to Wildwood and was taught how to boogie board and pee in the ocean. One small step for man, one GIANT leap for The Ocean Ju. Here’s proof of me being a Jersey Shore ocean lover back in the day (and an awkward bird, sick dino arms, lil Ju):
Upon moving here, I went in by myself with some rough surf post-hurricane, got womped a few times, and was like eh, I’m all set. Psyched myself right out and from August of 2021 to August of 2022, I never went in further than my shins and would just do a little splish splash whore’s bath to cool down. Let me also share that in that year span I took trips to Jamaica and Siesta Key where the water is calm, warm, and pretty clear and had no issues doing a nice salt water soak with my dad. It was just the Jersey Shore that had me on the ocean fritz. Where the water is not clear, the waves can be pretty rough, and I’m by myself 98% of the time so if I were to struggle or drown no one would be looking out for me. Sure, there’s lifeguards but also they’re more focused on the children rather than the woman in her thirties who should know how to swim by now. So my friend took me to the beach on August 13th and said, you’re gonna get in the water. And I accepted this challenge, mostly because the only option for peeing was a disgusting port-a-potty. I’d rather die. The first round in was lovely. I peed, I floated, I got an actual cool-down at the beach instead of just melting on my chaise lounge for hours. I came back and took this v. excited selfie as proof and sent it to my whole family to say I DID IT! I SWAM IN THE OCEAN! (Similar to me screaming I’M DOING IT the first time I peed in the ocean as a fully grown adult.)
The over-confidence was what killed me. I approached round 2 like an old pro. Like I’d been doing this every day and not like I just went in the ocean for the first time in years. I got too big for my britches and flew too close to the sun. I was floating and whizzing away and then I felt like maybe the waves were starting to get bigger than I was ready for. So I decided to exit earlier than my friend. I swam to shore and just as I was standing up a wave came at me full force and knocked me down, pulled my bottoms down to my ankles and rolled me underwater. Was I held down for 5 seconds or 5 minutes? Hard to say but my life flashed before my eyes and I thought about Annemarie in Blue Crush hitting her head off the rock and I was like well this is it for me, hope my friend enjoys finding me dead in the water with my bare ass in the air. As soon as I could, I resurfaced, pulled my bottoms back up and skedaddled back to my chair to act calm, cool & collected and pretend like I meant to do that and definitely didn’t just think I was going to die bottomless in 1 inch of water. Obviously, we are done with the ocean. (In New Jersey ONLY…I dipped in Florida again this spring where the waves don’t try to kill you repeatedly on 10 second timer. )
After being too afraid to swim in the ocean for 2 years, today I went all the way in and was so proud of myself. So naturally on the way out that salty son of a bitch had to humble me by rolling me through a wave and stripping me of my bikini bottoms. I am done with the sea.
This was originally suggested to me from a guy on hinge, and it IS an adorable date night idea, but that’s clearly not the journey I was meant to take here. I kept an eye on their schedule for the summer and when a movie I hadn’t seen yet popped up, I went…solo of course. Parking is a real bitch in Asbury and I’d say that’s the only downside to this. Otherwise, catching Top Gun 2 on the roof overlooking Asbury Park with an ocean breeze on a summer night Labor Day Weekend was a top-notch experience. Tickets were around $12, I brought my own beach chair, blanket, & tumbler of wine and sprung for fresh popcorn. Would definitely go back if I had interest in seeing another one of their movies. Could’ve for sure done without the couple who showed up late, pulled chairs together directly in front of me and unloaded a feast of Chinese food. Not only did they block my carefully curated perfect view, but their food stunk and they were annoying. If you get the vibe that people ruin my experiences more often than anything else, you’d be absolutely correct because we need a new plague.
Lobster Roll from Point Lobster (Point Pleasant)
I really want to love lobster and I try it every single time thinking this will be the time that I do, and it always ends up tasting fishy to me. Point Lobster’s Lobster Roll was recommended to me because of the copious amounts of butter they use. I’m never going to say no to anything dripping in butter. So at Point’s Seafood Festival last fall, I budgeted the $20 for this teeny tiny roll and deleted it in seconds. Can confirm, it is delicious. Can also confirm I threw twenty dollars away on something that was equivalent (filling-wise) to eating a few oyster crackers.
Sea Hear Now (Asbury Park)
Although I’m not a music festival girlie, and I certainly would never spend hundreds of dollars for two full business days of music when I don’t know half the bands, I was given the opp to sit on a patio adjacent to the festival to hear the headliner, which happened to be The Killers on night 1 of Sea Hear Now last summer. I wasn’t able to see the stage, but I could hear it now and when faintly off in the distance I heard the opening notes of Mr. Brightside, I asked everyone around me if they were playing that on the loudspeakers at the restaurant to warm up the crowd. To which everyone replied: no idiot, that’s The Killers starting their set and WHAT A BOLD MOVE. Honestly that’s why I thought it was the radio because who the hell OPENS with their biggest hit that everyone wants to hear?! Obviously a hipster band that wants to weed out the fairweather fans up front. I enjoyed singing along to the distant music, then I enjoyed even more double fisting for the rest of the evening, taking a bunch of drunk videos of people leaving the festival at the end of the night and then trying to become a bouncer at the next bar we went to. I think that’s about as close as I’ll ever get to attending a music festival and I’m good with that. I can’t imagine paying to have strangers crowding my personal space on a sweaty beach as they mosh to the whitest party song known to man.
9/11 Memorial (NYC)
I know NY is not NJ…but, the city was a cool 6 hour drive from where I grew up, so realistically, it took me moving here to actually have a lot of NYC experiences, therefore I’ll lump them in. I’m not a museum gal by any means, but I had always wanted to check out the 9/11 Memorial and Museum because my perspective of that day is WILDLY different and far removed from anyone who lives here. I wanted to see and hear the stories I missed the first time around and really view it through the lense of an adult rather than the 10 year old who saw some pictures here and there but never really fully grasped the weight of that day. My dad agreed to go with me and I can confidently say neither one of us would recommend this to anyone else. It was overwhelming at the very least. There was SO much to take in, and really it wasn’t a great setup to be able to consume everything that was being presented. The museum starts with the history and a lot of structural information about the World Trade Center itself, which wasn’t really interesting to me but not really having an idea of what was ahead, we took our time reading and going through this.
You kind of wind your way down into what is essentially the basement where all of the personal effects and debris and stories are. And there are SO many, obviously. So not only do you feel kind of trapped down there (a feeling I imagine was thought out when designing this setup) but it also feels like you’ll never resurface. There’s audio clips playing on loop of newscasters reporting, emergency services calls, actual voicemails from the victims, etc, etc, etc. It’s jarring and sensory overload and that’s just the sounds. On top of that there’s things to look at and LOTS to read. Each piece has its own plaque with a story. As this place was OVERFLOWING with tourists, you can imagine how stressful it is to stand and try to read something in size 12 font on a placard as people push you to also get closer and read it or what I noticed a lot of people doing, stepping in front of me to take a picture of the plaque as if they’re going to sit down later and go through the museum on their phone. It sucked and I was over it only about halfway through consuming it. I wasn’t retaining any of the actual stories because they were everywhere I looked and it was too hard to actually process anything. Then on top of feeling claustrophobic and like I didn’t know when we would come up for air, Apple decided to play a mean prank and do a test “emergency notification” while we were in there, which means everyone’s phones emitted that terrifying alarm sound at the same time and I 100% panicked and was convinced we were experiencing a 9/11 style attack of the remains of the original. So yeah, all in all, not for me.
Concert at Madison Square Garden (NYC)
Nothing brings you back up after reliving the most catastrophic terrorist attack on American soil than hitting up MSG for the first time to see John Mayer tickle those guitar strings for the second time. Even though Den and I were sitting basically up in the rafters (twas all I could afford), it was still a great venue and John Mayer knows how to put on a damn show. It was his acoustic tour and he made sure to remind everyone in the room that he knows his way around a musical instrument. Unfortunately, the tool behind us wanted to also remind all of us that he thinks he’s a phenomenal singer as he ONLY sang harmony to John for the entire show, trying to impress whatever date he conned into going with him. I hope she deleted his number immediately afterward. It was on the ole bucket list to catch Billy Joel at his MSG residency, but wouldn’t you know he decided to end it last month (selfish of him, TBH) making his ticket prices even MORE outrageous than they normally were this past year since everyone knew his time was coming to a close. THANKS A LOT, WILLIAM.
Ocean County Park (Lakewood)
You’ll pretty much only ever catch me exploring a new park during fall when I wanna peep the shit outta those leaves. Now that I’m in a different area, I relied on google to give me a park that *didn’t* consist only of hiking trails (paved path or I don’t go) and this was the winner. So I took Chuck on a rare weekend it wasn’t downpouring in October so we could appreciate some sassy orange leaves. Well, apparently we were way past peak and the showings were grim. Don’t know that I’d ever head back to this park, mostly because as we were getting in the car, I was approached by a stranger danger who seemed to have been loitering around the parking lot waiting to chat it up with someone and I was the clear winner. I got this man’s life story in a very brief amount of time and was also swindled into taking his number because as a millennial, my cellphone is never not in my hand, which really screws me over for any “oh I don’t have it with me” or similar lies to get out of exchanging numbers with someone you absolutely never wish to speak to again. So that’s how I found myself learning that he lives right across the street from the park and vowing to never step foot in this park again for as long as I live. He also did indeed text me after the fact. I may be eternally single, but I really know how to attract lonely old men! So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.
A day trip spot that has often popped up in my searches, I trekked down there for one of my many gov holidays in November. It’s one of those classic “stepped back in time” little cluster of shops, restaurants, and outdoor space. Immediately felt like I forgot my bonnet at home and should be churning butter.
Instead, I took a billion photos, made some unnecessary purchases in the little boutiques and then saddled up to the bar for a solo wine tasting of course. Where I then got *just* buzzed enough to buy a $30 bottle of wine to take home for Thanksgiving. #SupportLocal. Did I personally fund the Village Greene that day? Probably. It was an adorable little fall excursion full of weird chicken/duck hybrid animals trolling around and also it would’ve been 18 million times more enjoyable if I had a buddy (read: huz) to share it with. As my therapist likes to remind me…both things can be true. Is this the theme of my life right now? Ya duh. PS I made the sole cashier at the florist leave the store to take photos of me with these wings. I apologized maybe 800 times for doing so. We literally had to wait for customers to leave so it wasn’t a free-for-all. But look how snatched I look in that skort poppin that leg with those giant wings? WORTH IT.
Seemed odd to be heading to the Count Basie to see a comedian who I discovered through TikTok, but those were the circumstances. Much like Smithville, this theater is a relic of the past and very historic-looking. My friend and I sat in the last row because that’s what $14 tickets the day of show will get you. We laughed at Trey Kennedy singing and mocking how stupid people are with a special side-show of the stupid woman in front of us hurling all over the floor then bouncing, leaving the cleanup on aisle barf for us remaining survivors of her carnage to manage. It was an evening I’ll never forget.
Cape May Christmas Parade
If a town is going to go hard in the paint for Christmas, I’m going to do my best to be present for the occasion. My godparents go to the Cape May Christmas Parade every year, and my mom and I decided to join this year. I’ve been to Cape May before at Christmas time so I knew they turned their adorable Victorian downtown into a festive dream, but I hadn’t caught the parade, where people put out beach chairs midday to save their spot and then just drink and eat as floats and dancers roll by all night long. As much fun as it is cheering for the local VFW’s decorated pick-up truck, gallivanting around Cape May drinking, eating, and shopping with my family was the real highlight of this excursion. Also scream singing Taylor Swift at Carney’s with a total stranger. And getting into an Uber that for sure had puke all over the door. And spending a night in the 5-star Sandbox Motel of Wildwood.
When we checked in earlier in the day, the owner/receptionist/manager/party enthusiast was for SURE still drunk, there were a bunch of people loitering by the front door and he said everyone was cool and they’re all regulars, so it’s a fun time and things tend to get loose with this crew. He referenced drinking no less than 10 more times during our check-in, handed us our key and just as we were about to let ourselves in, a kid comes RUNNING up to make sure we had a table outside of our room. In December. Once I saw all of our fellow motel homies sitting at their outdoor tables smoking cigs (or not cigs), I understood the company we were keeping at the Sandbox. We were invited several times to mix it up in Room 5 where everyone ends up at the end of the night. Committed to the bit, I was willing to do so but when we returned at midnight, Room 5 was dark. We outpartied the degenerates. Please enjoy the tour of our room, the swan towel really sent me.
Now here’s the movie theater production of the same 24 hours. See how easy it is to paint a completely different picture than getting sauced in a Santa hat and sharing a bed in a questionable motel with your mom?! That’s some Scorcese magic, BB.
Bluebird Farm Alpacas (Peapack)
December is when I started GardenStateGoofin and thus upped the ante with my content. My very first video was Cape May and I really leaned in hard to the cinematic feature on my new iPhone 14. This video is no different. Also, #grateful for the 60 degree December which made it a real joy to beebop and take a stroll with alpacas. This experience was absolutely a one and done. I learned MUCH later that there’s an alpaca farm in the town next to me and I really didn’t need to roadtrip an hour to kick it with farm animals, but I feel like it made the experience more authentic. My friend and I learned some alpaca fun facts, then we had ample time to kick it with them in their pens with bags full of food where my friend showed how seamlessly skilled she was at grabbing a selfie with these majestic creatures and every time I pulled my camera out near one they dodged me like total a*holes. Some of us are just more gifted at selfie’ing with animals than others. If I sound jelly it’s cause I am. Then came the walk and walk is a generous term, folks. Imagine walking your dog but it’s 150 lbs and just wants to eat grass and tell you to F off. We walked maybe 4 ft with them. The activity should’ve been called “bring an alpaca to eat grass and force it to pose for photos.” But now I can say I walked an alpaca and I have the piccies and vids to prove it and THAT’S REALLY ALL THAT MATTERS. TYSM JUNO AND PANCHO. PALS 4 LIFE.
Christmas at Palmer Square (Princeton)
My patio is bigger than this.
Hey, here’s the tea. If you ever see on ANY list that one of the top Christmas cities in New Jersey is Princeton, you tell that list to buzz right off. I lived it, I saw it, it’s NOT. They paint pictures of ice skating and a giant Christmas tree and cozy little boutiques just like NYC. Well there’s only one Big Apple twin in Jersey and we all know it’s Freehold. Princeton has a 2 block radius of adorable-ness before it turns into a ghost-town and within that little square, there WAS a big tree, but that was about it. Their ice skating rink was embarrassing. My friend and I committed to trying out ice skating for the first time, picturing that it was going to be like Rockefeller and when we laid eyes on the iced over sandbox that they were charging people to skate on, we laughed out loud. No joke it took us 30 minutes of circling to even find it tucked behind a hotel, barely visible. I mean if we got on that ice we could’ve touched each end with arms outstretched. Big YIKES to Princeton’s Christmas game. That didn’t stop me from making an adorbs false advertising video because I wasn’t about to waste a trip with no content and I was trying to build my account. If there’s a lesson to be learned here it’s obviously don’t believe everything you see on social media, including mine.
Last Wave Brewing (Point Pleasant)
Full disclosure, I had been to Last Wave before, but I’ve never walked there with Charlee from my home. I chose the first snowstorm of the year to do so. Charlee gets exercise, I get to take blizz photos to capture the ONLY time snow is beautiful, and then I treat myself to a beer halfway through the walk. We all win. Charlee didn’t really though because there’s nothing she hates more than being in a place full of people and being leashed away from them. Homegirl is real social and just wants to be able to greet all at her leisure. Breweries may be dog friendly but they’re not down with letting your dog roam free and honestly I think they should reconsider (for Charlee only.) I awkwardly stood near a barrel directly on top of the bathroom because the place was packed and spent the next hour trying to keep Charlee from pulling me toward people while also spilling my beer from her jerky movements. It was SUPER fun. Brewery is great, my dog in a brewery? Not suh much. Tough stuff, lesson learned. S/O to the woman behind the bar who came over and intervened at one point because a group of touchy kids wouldn’t leave Chooch alone and she noticed how uncomfy she seemed. Girls supporting girls.
Hot Chocolate Walk (Red Bank)
Snitches get Stiches
This was advertised as a Hot Chocolate Walk and stupid me pictured Saratoga Chowderfest and deemed it a can’t-miss. You can tell it’s the dead of winter and peak seasonal depression when I’m willing to drive 45 minutes for drinking hot chocolate outside. If you’ve noticed a theme of me latching onto something and over-hyping it, you know what comes next. There was no Hot Chocolate Walk. In a small boutique that sold jewelry and art, we met a polar bear who (I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone but the statute of limitations has passed) talked to us and told us they had free hot chocolate inside. We got a lukewarm cup of Swiss Miss after pretending to be interested in making a purchase there. No one else was serving hot chocolate. No one was even outside. It was a true ghost town. Be better, Red Bank.
American Dream Mall / TILT Museum (East Rutherford)
Waited for my girlypops to get here for the drive into North Jersey for their version of the Mall of America. The mall itself is a mall, there’s fancy wings with stores that are above our pay grade, and then stores you would see at any other mall. They had a whole floor that was decked out like a winter wonderland which I creamed my jeans for. Majestic. An ice skating rink, a ferris wheel, a water park, legoland, etc. Those attractions all came with their own admission fee and we decided to go for the TILT Museum instead, which is a 3-D art attraction within our budget. You take a spin around (doesn’t take super long) and they tell you where to stand to take a picture or video of you interacting with the art. For an Insta-hooch like me, this was a dream. Since lil Kenz is an insta-hooch in training, she was on board as well. I mean, honestly if you don’t want a photo surfing a hot dog over NYC, you have a giant dump in your pants. It was a fun, unique activity and I definitely recommend it to anyone looking for something different to do.
Wish Upon a Jar (Point Pleasant)
Just down the street from me is an adorbsies little spot where you pick out your pottery, pay for the item, and then embrace your inner Picasso and paint away. You can bring your own food or beveraginos (adult or otherwise) and let the creative juices flow. It was the perfect activity for Kenz to get crafty, but to be perfectly honest, us adults found it incredibly soothing and I’d do it again anytime. Here’s our masterpieces.
Bury the Hatchet (Freehold)
I told my friends that I wanted to go to a gun range and we settled for weapons that can still harm you but probably won’t kill you. Whatever. Buncha pussies. Really it was just an opportunity for me to try something, be bad at it, then immediately be over it and more thoroughly entertained by demanding they take photos of me with the neon signs. Classic Ju. I still was a good sport and tossed every weapon at least one time before giving up. Still think this is better than bowling, but probably not as great as poppin caps.
Celebrated the first random hot day (followed by 2 full months of cold and rain before the sun made an appearance again) by having a good ole fashioned girls day at the newest brewery. This spot has the perfect outdoor space and if we had dogs with a quarter of the energy, probably would’ve been calm and pleasant. But alas, our girlypups are bursting with youthful exuberance and must sniff everything and everyone. So it was a Sunday of managing the dogs and managing to still catch a quick buzz in the sunshine. The owners were a real dream and tolerated us definitely overstaying our welcome. They’ve even continued to support Goofin on social media, which I quickly learned is the difference between a business I visit one time, and a business I’ll become loyal AF to. As someone in the social media game, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to acknowledge content when you’re tagged (a like, comment, or even share if you’re feeling generous.) Yet the amount of free promo I’ve given places and they still ignore it completely. DEAD TO ME. So when someone goes the extra mile to show some love for my efforts, they’re a friend for life. Tall Oaks being one of them.
Deep Cut Gardens (Middletown)
Really jumped the gun on Deep Cut because I was so hard up for bloom season. It wasn’t a TOTAL waste because the greenhouse part is all-seasons, but the exterior of this place was grim as hell in mid-March. I made a vow to go back in the summer when the outdoor garden would be poppin but honestly nothing sounded less appealing than giving up a good beach day to drive an hour to a garden. So, it is what it is. Did it bring me a lot of joy to see bright florals on a cold, windy spring day? Sure did.
Ocean Casino Resort (Atlantic City)
We saw some shit at this Dunkin.
For my birthday this year, my sister and I heavily researched a number of weekend destinations driving distance for us both and after seeing the prices of those destinations and doing a quick reality check, we concluded that a Thursday night in AC was more aligned with our income bracket. Plus, my sister had never experienced AC and thought it was glam like Palm Springs, and I REALLY needed to be front row for the glass to shatter on that rosy theory. Witnessing her disgust as we stood in a Dunkin Donuts in downtown AC next to several homeless people AND got hit up for cash mid-breakfast was v satisfying. Unfortunately for my long-standing birthday curse, the weather was freezing monsoon in NJ and tropical summer breeze in Syracuse. ‘Cause of course. Kinda put a damper on my carefully crafted research of which places we could hit up along the boardwalk on my birthday bender as we were stuck exclusively in Ocean Casino Resort for the night unless we wanted to literally blow into the ocean. The resort itself is very nice. It’s brand new, so there’s only *some* suspicious stains on the carpeting rather than the entire place smelling like a stale cigarette and looking like a 50 year old jizz stain.
However, the crowd was dead as dead could be on a Thursday night a week before MDW. It’s not like we were there on a Monday in January. I mean I was wearing a walking sparkly billboard that said BUY ME A DRINK and not one person offered. Got a lot of shouted HAPPY BIRTHDAY’s which is good for NOTHIN. Get me drunk or get the hell out of my face. We played the slots, had some drinks, ate the finest cuisine (Wahlburgers), and then excitedly got into our matching espresso martini jam-jams and ate pringles until we fell asleep.
A Shore Summer Night with a Bunch of Mascots
For as much as I babble stories on every medium imaginable, I don’t know that I’ve ever written out the Mr. & Mrs. Met saga. In my first year as The Jersey Ju, I made it to Citi Field for the first time and declared that I absolutely needed to meet the Mr & Mrs and my godfather informed me that’s reserved for the people who fork over the big bucks for suites or private parties. So I settled for watching them trumpet all over the dugout when Diaz came out and immediately zoned in on the fact that Mrs. Met is draggin a wagon and can twerk like nobody’s biz. I proceeded to go to Citi 3 or 4 more times that year and never laid eyes on those giant bobbing baseballs up close and personal. Year 2, just after I published last year’s blog, I hit up my last game of the season with the whole fam dam. Lurking in one of the clubs we had access to because my sister is VIP, my dad caught wind of the iconic duo cutting through to their next excursion. My dad was overserved to say the least at this game, and had no problem flinging himself at them and asking if they’d take a picture with me. I would fawn over how my dad made my dreams come true, but he then wedged himself into said picture while chomping on a soft pretzel and I had to crop him out because he was also ruining my dreams. So was Mrs. Met, who saw Mr. Met stop for a photo, and bootscooted right over to the escalator, giving me a swan wave as she descended. With that gliding exit, she became my white whale.
On opening day this year I said I was coming for her. My first game of the season was dollar dawg night and in between jamming franks into my furter hole, I caught Mr & Mrs making the rounds at the top of a section. I ran right up to Mrs. Met, and said CAN I GET A SELFIE? She nodded her head yes and as I snapped the pic she walked away. ICE COLD. Now it was personal. I was going to get this twatwaffle if it was the last thing I did. Luckily for me, the happiest couple in baseball made a special trip to my backyard probably to drum up some fans because the Mets were stinkin up the joint. And I said COME TO MAMA! I rounded up a crew (someone I had never hung out with before, always good to have a brand new friend get a front row seat to your lunacy) and declared to my loved ones that if she gave me the Heisman one more time I’d swan dive right into the ocean. Within the first half hour of the event, I caught her going into the back for a cool-down and basically screamed right in her bulbous face asking for a picture. She obliged because she probably thought I’d burn the place down if she didn’t. And she was not wrong. And then I texted that picture to literally everyone who had been following this saga and said I GOT HER. And that folks, is how you turn taking a picture with a mascot into an Olympic sport. I had theories about how Mr. Met was a man of the people and Mrs. Met is probably supposed to act harder to get. The mascot handler really had a good laugh at that one. He was also probably entertaining me for fear of my mental stability. Whatevs. I got what I wanted.
Not pictured: Mrs. Met on her escape route, Partially pictured: my dad’s arm and foot as he slides in mid-chompIt was 40 degrees that night but it felt like -40 when she pulled this move.My Queen.
After reaching the summit of a 3 year long quest, I was euphoric, and it was a summer night down the shore and that’s how I found myself accidentally having the exact classic Jersey Shore bar experience I was looking for when I went to Bar A 2 years ago. And those are the BEST kind of nights. I drowned myself in cucumber vodka, I danced to my favorite 90’s cover band and told them after their set that I was their biggest fan in a definitely creepy way, I complimented some guy wearing a shirt that said “stuffing wieners in faces since 2005”, I got a dirty look from his girlfriend, and I kicked it with an entire group of dressed up characters loudly wondering if any of them were attractive underneath their sweaty giant heads. I distinctly remember screaming to my gal pals “we should do this every weekend this summer!” And then I woke up the next morning with an anvil on my head and looked at how much money I spent and never did that again for the rest of the summer.
Beach Yoga at Tiki Bar (Point Pleasant)
This is more me patting myself on the back than anything else. Back in January, my dad and I went to B2 Bistro and our waitress was so fun and cool that I immediately wanted to be her friend but I settled for being her friend on IG and following along her yoga and photography journey. In summer she posted about holding beach yoga sessions and though I have never once done yoga, I AM obsessed with the beach. Looking for a reason to get out and be social and also maybe not be a fat slob all summer, I messaged her and asked how hard it was. I’ve got a real knack for turning a group fitness class into a war zone and I figured this would be no different. I got a foot cramp and almost keeled over in a Pilates class, I knocked a kid’s glasses off in a Zumba class, and the one spin class I took, I pretended to adjust the knob for more resistance when in reality I was barley staying on that v uncomfortable seat. Needless to say, I’m uncoordinated AF and it’s best that I flail in the privacy of my own home with a YouTube workout video. Obv she told me it was a gentle practice and to come anyway. And even though I had anxiety about it and I felt weird and I’m not athletic NOR flexible, I said OK! I was terrible at it. I had no clue what I was doing and my favorite part was the end when you get to lie on your back with your eyes closed and she came over and gave me a head massage. BUT I DID IT! And everyone was super friendly, she was a great instructor, I started my day at the beach, and it was good for me to push myself and be active. And I did it one more time and didn’t get any better but still felt proud of myself for making an effort, and then summer happened and it was either 900 degrees or pouring hurricane rains. So, maybe in the fall.
Boat Ride & Fireworks (Brick)
In year 3 I befriended someone with a boat. LUCKY ME! Always make sure your friends have money or belongings that can bring you up into another tier of society, otherwise they’re not worth being friends with. I’M KIDDING. But I am grateful for my first boating experience in Jersey, because I got to watch the dreamiest sunset and then fireworks over the water on the perfect summer night. Previously, I’ve only boated on lakes in Upstate NY on the rare occurrence when I’ve secured an invite on a friend’s boat and the biggest difference I’ve noticed between lakes and ocean is that lakes the boat barely moves and ocean it bobs around and makes me want to hurl over the side. So that’s always a good thing to learn when you’re on the boat with a bunch of people who are not experiencing debilitating nausea. Keeping my fingies crossed that I just need to tackle this head-on and get used to the motion of the ocean.
Argos Farm (Forked River)
My most recent adventure and another fail for the books. If you want to peep sunflowers in Jersey, Holland Ridge Farms, which I visited my first year is definitely top dog. Happy Day Farm, also a first year adventure would probably be a good bet as well (the sunflowers were already passed by the time I went for blueberry picking.) After seeing Argos sunflower selection, I’d say guh head and skip this one. First of all, the sunflowers were dead as hell. Which is no fault of the farm, that’s just weather, baby. But nothin worse than seeing a bunch of sunnies hanging their heads. On top of that, an employee asked us to watch her admission stand while she left for a few minutes. Sorry, but if I wanted to work here I would’ve applied for a job not purchased a one-time ticcie, miss thang. And the rest of the farm was really catered to small children and also incredibly empty on the day we went, which made it look even sadder. There was no booze to be had, which honestly should be a staple at this point. Even if families are attending, let the parents sauce it up a little while they tolerate their kids saying MOM WATCH ME for the 9 billionth time on the giant slide, or trampoline, or zipline. We were promised by the owner that their Fall Festival is their real bang piece and also includes a brewery, so I’m not counting out future vizzies to Argos, but I certainly didn’t need to catch their Sunflower Fest.
F Coved It Up
Snuck in another first right at the buzzer by getting on aforementioned friend’s boat and cruising over to F Cove on a Saturday afternoon. I bought dramamine and was ready to go until every person I was with told me I’d basically roofie myself if I took that and drank. So we cut out the drugs and I prayed I wouldn’t be the only one booting in F Cove *not* from booze. Happy to report I didn’t get nauseous OR blow chunks! Am I basically Skipper now? Pretty much. And after hearing for many summers about how F Cove is basically TRL Spring Break in a very small stretch of definitely pee-infested waters, I was prepped to see some sloppy. And honestly, everyone kept their shit together while we were there, which was disappointing to say the least. The spiciest spotting was a girl in a Trump 2024 bikini barely covering her big ole floppy cans and b*hole shimmying on a waverunner with boxes of pizza. I don’t know if she was selling the pizza or just showing us that she had it and we didn’t, but it was a real close call that we didn’t catch nip dumping out of that teeny tiny bikini. Good thing Trump’s name is so short. Though I have seen boats n hoes before, I’d never seen a pizza boat. And that was pretty great. Next time, I’m getting a pie while I float.
NJ Restaurant Hot Takes:
Nicholas Creamery – as a diehard soft serve girlie, this the ONLY place I’ve loved hard ice cream AND corn-flavored ice cream. Don’t question it, just do it.
Shore Fresh – Get literally anything here, it’s all delish. I’ve had crabcake, clams casino, steamed clams, lobster bisque, & clam chowder. All a delight.
B2 Bistro – Was nervous to try their sushi but it was divine.
Jersey Shore BBQ – Awesome burnt ends & brisket. Mac and cheese has been hit or miss on the soupiness.
Divi Tree Coffee Co – Bomb PEC & coffee.
Point Lobster – Ordered a lobster bake for the first time. Had all of the regrets in the world. Honestly almost puked from dissecting it to eat and ended up with lobster in my hair and under my nails. Stick to their lobster roll.
Shogun Legends – Very good sushi.
Bad Hat – One of those places where the portions are minuscule and you leave hangry.
Pop’s Diner – BEST home fries in the game. Perfect crispiness.
Sinner’s Steakhouse – I tomahawked and I never want to not tomahawk again.
Charlie’s – Way too fancy for me. I’m an uncultured swine and don’t want 4500 ingredients in my meal.
Broad St. Dough Co. – Two words: CHURRO BITES.
River Rock – Don’t eat here.
Continued Quest to find Jersey’s Best Spressy
ScreenshotScreenshotScreenshotCricket ClubB2 BistroPoint LobsterSinners SteakhouseMainstayCharlie’sThis didn’t even make the list because I didn’t finish it because it was vomitous. From a can..in AC, go figure.Shore House TavernBroadway Bar & Grill
Just gonna copy/paste what I wrote last year because it’s the best description I’ve ever given: For those who are new to my rating system, I’ll remind you that much like Whose Line Is it Anyway, it’s a game where everything is made up and the points don’t matter. If I get a nice bartender, score goes up, if there are an incorrect number of beans, score takes a dive, if I’m already drunk, well it could really go either way. This year’s *most surprising* top spot is Broadway Bar & Grill. Never would’ve thought a dive bar could give good head. The Mainstay was another sleeper hit, mostly because moments before I tasted their espresso martini, I had one of the most disgusting cocktails of my life that also happened to be neon green. Nevertheless, this quest will continue til I’m 6 ft under, trick.
Since starting GardenStateGoofin in December, I’ve posted two videos a week except for the week I was in Florida when I gave myself a true vacation from all of my hustles. You’re probably thinking, WOW you’re amazing, you’ve created 75 posts AND organically grown your following each month while also doing a full-time job and also Door Dashing and Rovering (for January & February) and also scheduling all the social media each week for an agency (from February to present) and also getting 3 humor pieces published and also blogging on The Salty Ju occasionally and also keeping your dog alive and also keeping yourself alive and also TRYING TO HAVE FUN AND ENJOY LIFE?! And to that I say, YUP. I AM amazing. I also get paid for exactly 2 of those things I just mentioned, my FT and my PT. So am I amazing or just plain dumb? Don’t answer that.
What’s important here is that the things I enjoy doing the most are the things very few care about and certainly won’t be paying any billz anytime soon. But realistically, if I started to get paid for any of these passion projects, they would become a job and thus be soul-sucking. I appreciate anyone who is reading this or who follows along on my variety of accounts and is somewhat entertained so that my efforts aren’t completely wasted. That being said, considering I did spend a whole lot of time these past 9 months making videos quite literally every time I stepped outside of my house, I’ll gently nudge you to cruise on over to @GardenStateGoofin on Instagram or TikTok and see what I’ve been up to! And HERE WE GO, let’s keep Goofin into my 4th year in the Garden State! (Not in the ocean though…never again.)
It’s honestly shocking to me that the only book blog I’ve ever written was in 2015 considering I read a book a week (humble brag.) In preparations for the 10 year anniversary of The Salty Ju, I realized that this blog, though a BFD in my life for most of that decade, has really become my neglected firstborn in the past few years as I put all of my free time and energy into getting published on other websites and trying to become a Jersey Instagram influencer. And I’d like to formally apologize to The Salty Ju for that. You don’t deserve to be pushed aside and only brought back to life for mega embarrassing personal essays that would never get published anywhere else.
So this is my attempt to make an effort again. When I thought about what I should blog, I realized that I never have anything to yap about in the summer because I spend every waking moment at the beach reading a book. I’ve got a season pass to a private beach that I had to go on a waiting list for. That has no relevance but it makes me feel very VIP. And then I was like AHA! Why the hell wouldn’t I blog my beach reads?! For those of you who have children and will not have another moment of silence for the next 18 years, I’m so sorry but also you should’ve thought about that before you got knocked up, ya hooch. This one is really for the childless singles who perhaps don’t have that spicy of a social life and therefore go to the library (s/o libraries, if you’re paying for a book to read it one time you’re a damn fool…or rich) every other week and read an entire book while roasting on the sand every weekend. I see you because I am you.
Here’s a recap of what I read (sometimes struggled to read as loud obnoxious families set up their circle of 15 chairs in my lap, screamed all day and acted like the beach DJ…seriously am I invisible?) from the first week of June to the book I finished last night, in chronological order because I’m a Type A beast. I skipped one book completely because I liked everything I read except for a real dud by Meg Cabot, which honestly threw me for a loop. The woman who gave us The Princess Diaries!!! Don’t ever read No Words by Meg Cabot…it’s a flop and the only reason I finished it was because I held out hope she was going to put the train back on the tracks and actually tell a story. She did not. That’s the only spoiler you’ll see in this blog as I keep it to strictly plot-summary and my personal opinions in ramble form. If you get tired of my yapping, skip to the italicized line to tell you in one sentence if this book is for you.
Fangirl Down – Tessa Bailey
Check out that backwards hat, yo.
Tessa Bailey is one of my favorite authors for a light, sexy read. You know you’re going to get a steamy scene or two, and you’re usually going to get a quirky adorable girl who catches the eye of a total babe soda. Does she play into every awkward girl’s fantasy of snagging the guy everyone wants? Ya, duh. Welcome to chick-lit. This one focused on a professional golfer who’s career is on the backslide and his #1 fan, who also happens to be a talented golfer in her own right. She needs money, he needs to stop losing, so he hires her to be his caddy and coach him back to the top. Cue sparks all over the green. Listen, I 100% recommend this book. I thought it was a fun read. But I WILL add some qualifying comments. Homegirl is downright cringey. A grown adult who follows a male golfer around the country and makes signs and screeches at him and enters a contest to meet him is mortifying. Ya really gotta suspend belief a little bit to find her endearing and not mentally unstable. My second gripe is that her character has diabetes and that takes a real central role in the story. Nothing against diabetes or any sort of health condition, but it seems like these days every love story needs an added detail that gets gassed up way too much. Who knows, maybe the diabetes girlies were like YES, FINALLY, a love story for us! So it’s not my place to say…but it did seem forced in parts to reference this character’s sugar levels. Jus sayin is all.
If you ever got Cosmopolitan and flipped to the back for the Red Hot Read, but also like the rom-com buildup to the big show (girls need plot and that’s obvious) this book and literally any other Tessa book is for you.
One of the Good Guys – Araminta Hall
This was a curveball for me. Each week I go to the lib and I grab a breezy rom-com with a colorful cover featuring an illustration of a broody looking guy with a chiseled jaw–bonus points if he’s in a backwards hat and then I pick a midnight blue cover with a creepy-looking house with some title variation of “the neighbor in the last house is watching you.” I read the dark & twisty book first, then do a palate cleanse with people pretending they’re married to get ahead at work and accidentally falling in love along the way. This book presented as twisty, but also had some interesting undertones of “are all men rapey murderers?” mixed in. I was intrigued. I don’t know that it would be at the top of my list for rec’s, but it was a different approach to the “who’s telling the truth” type of storytelling. A slow burn at first, it follows a guy who is going through a divorce and takes a job as a forest ranger out in the middle of nowhere. Through his perspective of what went wrong in his relationship (very victim-oriented), we also learn that two young girls are hiking across the country to raise awareness for sexual assault and just reminded in general how women are treated by disgusting men. They cross paths in the forest where he lives and end up going missing. The book does a good job of making you question if this guy is actually a total sociopath or if he really is “one of the good guys.” It has a nice twist in the end and being satisfied with it is the closest I’ll ever get to becoming a hardcore feminist who marches in parades with a vagina hat.
If you’re a pussy-head marcher, this book is absolutely for you, but ALSO if you want to dip your toes in the men are trash waters, this is a nice shallow, thought-provoking dip.
Welcome Home, Caroline Kline – Courtney Preiss
10/10 recommend scooting your beach chair right up to the tide and consuming a book with your feet fully immersed in the ocean. No better feeling.
I found out about this book before it was even published through the Jersey Collective, the local group/account that I’ve done a photography takeover on a couple times now. The author lives in Asbury Park and I thought it was cool that by six degrees of separation (following the same local IG account) I knew her. You’ll notice that this book does not have a library sticker on it because I ACTUALLY purchased it. And I didn’t return it a day later after reading it. An incredibly rare occurrence! I wanted to support the local author cause because if the day ever comes that I publish my memoir, you bet your ass I’ll want everyone to pay full-price for a hard copy. Also, it looked like a book that intertwined many of my interests: baseball, the Jersey shore, and moving back home for a short stint to lick one’s wounds. We love a messy lead and Caroline Kline is certainly that. She quits her job to move to CA with her boyfriend, gets dumped, then ends up moving home to help her dad mend after a tumble and take his place in the local Jersey Shore men’s softball league that he’s determined to win a championship with. This story has everything! Sports, family drama, vulnerable ‘where the hell is my life going’ moments, being back in your hometown when you never wanted to be back in your hometown sass and of course, a summer romance. Caroline also has a Grade A foul mouth and lots of Jersey ‘tude, which is so fun to read in a story and much less fun when it’s directed at you on a Sunday morning in ShopRite.
Check it out if you want to try being a Jersey Girl for a summer down the shore on for size and see what it’s like to prove yourself on an all-boys team and talk trash to a bunch of old townies.
Everything After – Jill Santopolo
I remember reading almost exactly the same book by Jill Santopolo before, so if you’re not into authors regurgitating the same storyline with different characters, skip this one. If I were Jill’s husband, I’d start to get a little suspicious by book #2 where the plot is all about that one significant love…”the one who got away,” reappearing after decades, perhaps at a crossroads in the main character’s current relationship, making them question if they made the right choice or if they should blow up their whole life. As someone who has nearly drowned in the BUT WHAT IF WE WERE MEANT TO BE whirlpool one too many times, I clearly have a soft spot for the second chance romance novels. I imagine many people can relate to letting your mind wander down the ‘every decision you make sets you on a completely different path’ wormhole. This story following a woman who is married and trying for kids flips back and forth between her present-day story and old journals to weave together past and present with the two greatest loves of her life. It’s a more serious read dealing with pregnancy loss, keeping secrets, and figuring out who you are and not losing that in a relationship. So for me, it sits neatly dead center on the spectrum between trashy novels with boneriffic sex scenes and murder books.
If your’e feeling wistful or like maybe you should leave your husband and go on tour with your ex-boyfriend who wrote a hit song about how much he loves you, then this is FO SHO the read for you.
The Daydreams – Laura Hankin
I keep a long-running list of books that are recommended to me from friends, newsletters, mah homegirl Reese Witherspoon, and then I usually forget that list exists and judge books by their covers and grab a stack every few weeks from the new books section. Then I hit a wall and realize I can’t pick up the romantic novel that LOOKS normal one more time only to read the description ending in: “will two wolf shape-shifters get it together and find love?” Sorry not sorry, wolf sex ain’t it for me. Anyway, the point of that rant was to say that this month I realized I had read almost every new book that I wanted to and it was time to pull up my trusty, often ignored list and dive into the stacks for not-so-new books. This was one of them. Recommended for millennials who loved teen soaps (ME), this follows a group of actors who grew up doing a musical show together on essentially a Disney network but they’ll never name-drop Disney in a fictional story because they’ll owe Walt big buckers. It was giving cast of High School Musical vibes and was told mostly from the “bitchy” one’s perspective flipping between the past and to the present day, using devices like journal entries, gossip columns, group chats, celeb interviews and tweets. It was a fun way to get a probably more true than not depiction of what it’s like to throw teenagers into stardom and have them all try to figure that out while also having slimy producers and network execs running their lives and cashing in on their every move. It’s not SO jarring that we’re creeping into Dan Schneider/Nickelodeon territory, but it’s got just the right amount of juicy goss and slimy old white men being dirtbags. Again, a different read than I normally go for because apparently Summer Ju is really experimenting with genres these days!
Read it if you’ve always wondered what it would be like to be mega-famous for 2 years as a teen and then drop out of the spotlight completely to become a lawyer, only to eventually cash in on reunion culture.
The Rule Book – Sarah Adams
The experimenting has ended because this is so cookie-cutter my type of book, it hurts. (Much like Fangirl Down.) Nora’s a sports agent who wears funky outfits everyone makes fun of and says a ton of stupid phrases but doesn’t care because she crushes it at work. Her ex-boyfriend, Derek, is a professional football player. Great timing as the world is obsessed with dating the guy on the football team at the moment…wonder why. She signs him as her first client but he hates her for dumping him in college so natch there’s a little hazing that leads to accidentally revealing true feelings that are still miraculously lingering a decade later. This story’s inclusive twist is that Derek is dyslexic. RAISE AWARENESS FOR DISCOVERING YOU HAVE A LEARNING DISORDER IN YOUR THIRTIES. This is what I’m saying about the add-ons in chick-lit plots these days. I can’t math and have to use a tip calculator every time I eat dinner out. Can we include that as a trauma in the next romance novel so I can feel seen and hold onto hope that someone will still fall in love with me even though I’m dumb with numbies?! LMK. PS it was clear this was one of a series as there were many references to all of the boyz on the football team being swept off their feet with “the one” so if you like this installment, feel free to read the probably 6 other identical love stories…I know I will as I wait for my knight in shining pro athlete who just wants a goofy girl to settle down with.
Read to find out what would’ve happened if Tim Riggins never went to jail and ended up in the NFL and his new agent was Lyla Garrity.
The Golden Couple – Greer Hendricks & Sarah Pekkanen
I read this in one day and that’s the quickest Salty Ju stamp of approval on a book and also proof that I literally have no life. Following a radical therapist who guarantees to fix someone’s life in ten sessions (can I have her numba?) and a couple who seek her out for help, it’s one of those stories where you flip back and forth between the therapist’s perspective and the wife who cheated on her husband’s perspective and you learn new secrets each chapter. You question who’s the good guy and who’s the bad guy and what else is being hidden and obviously you’re not going to find out until the twist at the very end WHICH IS WHY I COULDN’T PUT IT DOWN UNTIL I KNEW FOR SURE. I suspected something wasn’t right with the one who turns out to be a villain, but I didn’t outright predict it and there were enough weirdos involved for everyone to look sus. So it was worth staying up until 1am to finish on a Saturday evening. WOO wild night.
Read if you enjoy thrillers that aren’t terrifying, but have enough drama and clues to keep you guessing who the psychopath is.
**Also, completely unrelated to the plot, but this was another one recommended to me a while back by a fellow bookworm and when I looked it up on the trusty catalog at the library, they said they had it but I couldn’t find it, even double checking by singing my ABC’s in my head, so I asked the librarian for assistance, and when she couldn’t find it, I told her to forget it, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Except that she was committed and wanted to find it too. As it turns out, this book was only available in Large Print. Since I’m not geriatric, I’ve always borrowed regular print books, but I felt bad about this 20 minute search so I borrowed the LP. When I cracked this bad boy open at the beach, I was MEGA embarrassed. I saw how big those words were and I assumed everyone behind me on the sand and possibly parasailing 50 ft in the air could read along with me. Whenever I looked at my phone I thought I had messed with a setting to make that text smaller. So that’ll probably be it for me with the size 50 font books. I even took myself out for a seafood dinner (cause no one else will) and brought this book as my date. HIGHLY recommend shoving crab cake into your crab-hole, slurping rosé, and trying to figure out who the loony is in a good read (and letting the old couple 4 tables away try as well, without even putting on their cheaters.)
The people stuck on the moon right now said thanks for letting them follow along.
It Must Be True Then – Luci Adams
This is for my Sophie Kinsella girlies. Anyone who loves a real disaster of a British character. Daisy gets dumped by a marketing exec she’s been banging at work for a year and also fired from said job right around the same time. She deals with it by staging a bunch of fake photos and videos on Instagram to show everyone she’s doing just fine and embarrassing herself. There’s wholesome friend and family storylines, obviously a romance brews, and even some sassy kids who surprisingly for me don’t ruin the story, but make it more heartwarming. It’s a lovely lesson in focusing on the good in your life, not being a fake betch on social media, and trusting the process because everything will all work out in the end. I need all of those lessons very frequently, so it hit home for me. And oh boy, it sure is fun to read someone else’s hot mess express journey to learning these lessons. It’s the classic, well I’m bad but at least I’m not THAT BAD. Also, you CANNOT beat British funny phrases. For instance when Daisy’s sister says, “Because it’s 3pm on a Wednesday and I just caught you sharing your nip nops with the Internet.” Cue me inserting nip nops into every sentence forever and ever.
This book is like Sophie Kinsella’s The Burnout meets Can You Keep A Secret? You’ll appreciate it if you’ve ever done something cringe for social media to make your life look better than it is or attract a guy.
Five Bad Deeds – Caz Frear
Another page turner to see who is terrible and who isn’t in a cast of shady characters. The book starts out with Ellen in jail and then goes backwards three months and obviously you spend the whole story trying to find out how this B ended up in the slammer. Told from MANY different perspectives, it was almost difficult at first to keep everyone straight, especially when you toss in names like Nush and Esme and Orla. Those damn Brits, I tell ya. It’s fun to unravel the secrets and also just the general theme (that often happens in these thriller-type novels) that people who make up your community and seem to be your closest circle of girliepops more often than not actually can’t stand you and wish for you to fail and/or try to steal your husband. #Girlhood.
This book is for you if you love a mystery full of family drama, can keep up with a lot of characters, and believe a house can be cursed.
I had high hopes of getting through my next book (One-Star Romance by Laura Hankin) before publishing this blog, but I wanted to get the blog out there while there are still beach days to be had so you can all take my expert advice and go get yourself a fresh read. Since it would bother me until the end of time if I didn’t have an even-steven 10 titles, I’m going to cheat and add one that I read back in January because I believe every millennial should read it and better sooner rather than later since OF COURSE they’re turning it into a movie now.
The Woman In Me – Britney Spears
It’s no secret that I love a celebrity memoir (please refer to the several YEARS of celeb goss I peddled in my Weekly JUices on this very blog) and Britney’s was HIGHLY anticipated. Was I expecting her to have actually written it? No, of course not. But read one page of this book and you immediately know it’s true. If I had to guess this whole book is about a 3rd grade reading level of difficulty. Even Derek from The Rule Book could read it with his dyslexia. HEYYYOOO. Callback dig. But actually, I recommend it to all because it is THAT easy to get through. The chapters are incredibly short and the vocabulary used is that of a woman who grew up in the south and then was held hostage by a lunatic for 13 years and survived to tell the tale. For anyone who was even a scooch intrigued by her conservatorship, this is her side of the story. And folks, it is horrifying. It’s eye opening to see how someone can get manipulated into being a prisoner and essentially a slave to her deranged dad as a grown adult and have it be perfectly legal. More importantly, if you ever had a crush on JT growing up like I did, you’ll want to cringe out of your skin at the BTS stories of their relationship. What a tool he is. #TeamBritney! I hope she stays somewhat sane and stops tossing knives around and showing us her cooch on IG, but also, after reading this book, I totally understand why she would.
If you liked Jessica Simpson’s memoir for the insider relationship stories and very real trauma that we never got the full scoop on because tabloids just shit all over these women, you’ll appreciate BritBrit’s story.
JUST FOR LAUGHS BONUS: Not to kink shame, but here’s an example of why after pinching a bright book from the shelf, I always read the back/inside cover for a brief overview and to make sure I’m not about to dive into a book with furry fetish bullshit. This one was so preposterous that I sent it to my sister for a chuckle and will now share with you for some shark shits and giggles. Don’t just judge a book by its cover…judge it by its cover AND THEN double check the summary. Imagine being married to a Great White? Nightmare, I assume. A gorgeous debut novel though, I’m sure.
I’ve recently been trying harder to get published again, which caused me to dive back into the old archive of drafts from my writing sprint a couple years ago. I know it may seem hard to imagine for any of you who have read my blog or my satire before, but they are almost one in the same. 99% of my humor pieces are based on real life scenarios and I write it in my own voice. Sometimes I look back at a draft I wrote and realize I don’t want to make something more fictional or satirical, I want to just tell it like it is…ya know, funny cuz it’s TRUE! So here’s a list of all the crazy shit medical professionals have actually said out loud to me, which may or may not be the crux of my distrust in doctors and my severe anxious attachment to self-diagnosing on WebMD.
*For the last three years I’ve churned out a birthday blog as a mechanism to fight the sads on aging. I felt like I got it all out last year (I should’ve for how long that blog was), so pls accept this unrelated blog that I was planning on posting anyway as my “birthday blog.” Realistically, when you get older, your body starts deteriorating and if you keep reading you’ll see that mine has been doing so since birth so I guess it’s still on theme. I’m actually terrified for what my later years will bring with medical care, but at least I made it to 33without crumbling into dust. And that’s certainly worth celebrating!
In Chronological Order
Oops, let me just check where the sun don’t shine! Hot start, I know. The most important thing I learned growing up didn’t come from a textbook, it came from my childhood dermatologist repeatedly checking my butthole for moles. As it turns out, moles don’t come from the sun, and they CAN thrive in dark cracks. For whatever reason the first derm I had was obsessed with diving into my butt (not just mine, I double checked with my sister and she got the same scarring peek so it’s comforting to know I wasn’t being violated alone) and I’ve seen roughly 45 derms since this one and none of them have ever once parted my buttcheeks looking for cancerous moles. But one *did* have the balls to tell me that I had age spots near my vagina that often appear around age 30. 😑 I was 27 at the time. Even if I didn’t already have a complex about aging, THAT WOULD’VE DONE IT!
*Pulls saturated glove out from armpit* Well, you definitely have a sweating problem. Gee doc, my pit stains down to my ankles on a Tuesday in the middle of February might’ve indicated that or maybe it’s the fact that all the other 7th graders chant “SWASS” repeatedly when I walk into the cafeteria with a moist butt print on my terrycloth mini. JK they didn’t do that. But I have photographic proof that on the 8th grade field trip to Cleveland, OH, my tee shirt was soaked and discolored as I tried to flirt with a boy and sit on his lap while my Secret Light & Fresh wasn’t hacking it and I absolutely had BO and HONESTLY THAT’S PROBABLY WHY I DIDN’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND UNTIL 25. (I spent about 2 hours trying to find this picture and of course I can’t. But one day, when you least expect it, I’ll resurface it for gigglez.)
Also, I leaked in 7th grade during a visit from Aunt Flo and I WAS wearing a terrycloth mini and I didn’t think anything of it being wet because that was just an average day for me in my teens and therefore I went all day walking around with a giant seat-print blood stain on my skirt. The moral of the story is that all of this could’ve been solved if my mom agreed to let the dermatologist stick me with botox to block my sweat glands on this fateful day and instead she said I was too young and ruined my life. I’m even more bitter now because as a grown ass adult I still can’t afford botox and I have to buy new white shirts every quarter to replace the ones with browned armpits because I still pour sweat out of all of my orifices on the daily double. Even when I’m cold. #HyperhidrosisSurvivor
I need an even smaller speculum because you’ve got an itty bitty vagina.As if going to the gynecologist for the first time at 15 isn’t traumatizing enough, let’s add in a doc telling me to keep my American Eagle distressed jean skirt intact and just slide my undies off, which felt like something a horny teen would say as we snuggled under a blanket in his basement watching a scary movie. She then proceeded to conduct a full pap smear on a girl who had never even kissed a boy. Spoiler alert: even the small speculum feels like you’re being cranked open with a car jack and your hymen is being ripped out by a gloved hand. As adorable as it may sound, having an “itty bitty vagina” made my annual invasion a straight up lady bits massacre from ages 15-present day.
The trick is to pant like a dog and you won’t even feel me swab your throat.One would think a reference to a strep throat cult was from my early childhood but curveball, this was told to me when I was 23. Yes, that’s right. You heard it here first. I was a college graduate before I stopped hitting doctors and screaming when they tried to swab my throat. All it took was for a very skilled ninja in the Urgent Care to not judge me and to give me this pro tip so I didn’t feel like I was choking to death. I mean, realistically I could make dolphin sounds and clap my fins and I will STILL FEEL that giant wooden paddle piercing my hangy ball with reckless abandon causing me to gag uncontrollably. But this was the one and only time I didn’t badger the doctor administering the strep test. I also didn’t have strep, I had mono and because they couldn’t diagnose it for several visits, I turned into a lifeless corpse that eventually needed a Sammy Sosa dose of roids to bring me back to life.
Sounds like your boyfriend has multiple personality disorder.This sentence was uttered by a licensed mental health counselor about 20 mins into my first therapy appointment after giving a brief description of my boyfriend. That’s right, folks, this is someone who has years of schooling and certifications to help people through their darkest times and she’s tossing out a diagnosis for someone she’s never even met after two sentences from someone she *just* met. YIKES THAT IS SCARY. What’s scarier is that she ended the appointment by saying that she saw my reaction when she said that and wanted to walk it back, because therapy is just guessing and seeing what resonates. What’s scariest is that I continued to see her for several months and even brought my boyfriend in for an appointment because she asked to meet him and then she flirted with him for 40 minutes and told me to never let him get away. YOU CAN HAVE HIM, DONNA!
*Feels ice cold toes * Not much I can do for this, your best bet is to move down to Florida where it’s much warmer!So then it IS true what the brochures say, Florida is known as the Circulation state! Add my Raynaud’s Syndrome (freezing cold fingers and toes), to the laundry list of ailments that get worse as I age. Apparently I have my Nana to thank for passing the ole dead toes on down to me in the genetics pool. Ironically enough, her toes are dead as is the rest of her and has been since long before I was layering two pairs of socks to sleep at night in the winter. I can also thank my family for settling in the frozen tundra of Syracuse, which certainly hasn’t helped matters. But sure, as I put a space heater on my feet, invest in wool socks and wear Uggs everywhere, it certainly hadn’t crossed my mind that FLORIDA WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS ICY HELLHOLE.
*Lifts shirt* You were the one with the abnormal mole, THAT’s right. You’ll just feel a pinch.Why do drugs when you can get simple thrills just from getting your back sliced and stitched up with the exam room door wide open and wonder if they figured out which patient you are yet. Puff puff pass or back alley biopsy, amirite?! This was hands down the sketchiest/most unprofessional experience I’ve ever had in a medical office. These clowns pulled up topless pictures of other patients on their double monitor computers in front of me (of course it was the oldest man on this earth, they couldn’t even treat me to a hot bod), complained about their jobs, bitched about other patients, scraped my back for a biopsy and let it bleed all over my white shirt, had me sign a waiver minutes before surgery on my own lap and took the pages with the actual info on it and told me just to Johnny Hancock the sig page, then conducted the surgery with the door wide open and my shirt off, chatting amongst themselves as they tried to figure out which patient I actually was mid-slice. And then I had to go back and have the stitches ripped from my body (also with the door open.) That was three total appointments from a place that was about as legit as a medic tent at Fyre Fest. So natch when they sent me a “HOW DID WE DO” survey, I lit them up. Don’t ask if you don’t want the answer, boneheads! As you might recall-in my 31st Birthday Blog, I googled how to report them as well. I hope someone far richer than me has sued the ever-loving shit out of them by now. That’s my birthday wish this year.
Has your nipple always looked like that? Ya, doc. I’ve been coming here annually for 3 years now and you ask me this exact question every time and instead of roasting the left nip I was born with and suggesting it could be a sign of breast cancer, maybe you could just make a fucking note in my chart. Another dermatologist. Go figure.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I have been mostly traumatized (and tan-shamed) by dermatologists. BUT my most surprising violation (with very little verbal warning) came from my viz to the GI, which I detailed extensively here. In addition, of course, to the all-time classic, “you’ve been pooping wrong,” which belongs on this list right alongside the jarring buhhole examination. A two-for-one special of reasons to be in therapy from that Doc.
Your feet aren’t that bad, imagine what I see in Newark. Honestly, this was meant to be a comforting statement from my favorite doc I have, my podiatrist. He’s an old-school Italian, baseball lovin guy who takes care of me as if I’m his own daughter (including putting my shoes on at the end of each appointment and tying the laces for me, double knot style.) Most people would be irritated by this but I actually love being treated like a toddler when I visit him quarterly. Keeps me young, which I know I am anyway because judging by his waiting room, I am 50 years younger than any of his patients. But anyway, when your sister is telling you that you can’t come home for the 4th of July unless you wear socks at all times because she doesn’t want to puke at the sight of your toenail that LITERALLY WILL NEVER HEAL (it’s almost a full year later and we’re still rocking a very unappealing toe), hearing that the mangled dusty-ass tootsies of Newark are even being mentioned in the same sentence as yours is not very uplifting. Especially because HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PULL IN FEET PIC MONEY IF MY FEET ARE HORRIFYING. My right big toe, AKA Moldy Toe looks like what I imagine a 95 year old woman’s crusty chunky toenail looks like and for several months of sandal season, Doc told me I couldn’t put nail polish over it to cover it up. And I told him that if I was ever going to find a husband we’d have to find a solution that wasn’t flaunting this bad boy around bare in a pair of flops. So yea, the bar is low as I wait for this thing to die away from me but at least it’s not STREETS OF NEWARK low.
PS The sad faced hospital gown cover photo wasn’t from any of these circumstances but was from a dermatologist who forgot about me waiting in the exam room in a paper gown one day. Doesn’t make the cut because they didn’t say anything questionable…they didn’t even remember I existed. My mom told them they were all dead to us and we stormed out of there and never turned back. I know, I know, ANOTHER DERMATOLOGIST. And while we’re on the topic of the most traumatizing type of doctor, I just want it in writing that I’m a FIRM believer in them scraping a mole every year strictly to say they did something. There has not been one single time that I’ve been examined by a derm and they haven’t said hm, this one looks a little iffy, let me just send a piece of it to the lab. Sure, doc. You go ahead and take a souv from my skin so you can charge me (and my insurance…if I happen to have any at the time) an extra lab testing/needles/numbing injection fee. WITHOUT FAIL. It’s like paying the toll at the dermatologist. Which reminds me, I’m due for payment in a couple months…I wonder where I’ll be hacked this time.
MET MONDAAAAAAYYYYY, BABY! I don’t think I could ever top getting day drunk last year and blowing Hollywood to smithereens with my boozy hot takes. HOW-ev-ER, as always I’d like to puff up my credentials and nothing makes me more qualified to show up for this red carpet like I’m Anna Wintour than the compliment I received while rolling into Marshalls with a bag full of returns after I went too hard in the paint during Member Mornings* this weekend. *Member Mornings are exclusive VIP events for TJX cardholders like myself. As I breezed in, two Gen Z girlypops in baggy cargo pants and crop tops were exiting and one of them turned to me and casually remarked “I like your outfit.” And time stopped. I felt like I was soaring on the back of a bald eagle and then that bald eagle fell out of the sky as realization hit me that she was probably bullying me and the two of them in their claw clipped hair with their midriffs exposed for sure waited until I was out of earshot to cackle about me dressing like an Olsen Twin a mere week away from turning 33. The outfit in question:
Even Charlee is unimpressed. But guess what, motherfuckers? Those overalls were $20 at Marshall’s AND I was a chosen one for a $10 giftie at my v exclusive event so they were really $10 and I’m WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Eat your heart out, twenty-somethings, cause I’m gonna dress like I’m on All That until I’m six feet under and there’s nothing you or Dan Schneider can do about it.
So now that you’ve seen my couture, let’s get to it…this year’s theme was “The Garden of Time.” And might I say thank you for choosing a theme that I don’t have to google the meaning of cause bitch, I KNOW MY FLOWERS! So let’s get to steppin on judging Fashion’s biggest event.
It’s giving I’m the eldest boy energy but also angelic and I’m here for it.
KEWL NUDE PANTALOONS! Sexxxxyyyy. (And you KNOW that’s bullying because I wear full cotton briefs on the daily double and they’re still more flattering than this undercarriage disaster.)
I mean let’s call a spade a spade, nothing about this is on theme but damn I love a dreamy grey suit. V dapper.
What the actual fuck is happening here. It seems we’re carrying over last year’s theme of princess of darkness. And why are we getting underwear jammed down our throats again? Clean it up, Dua.
I’ll always have a weak spot for an aqua moment. She’s preggers and it’s a fairytale gown.
GLAM ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I would die for this giant clock briefcase. So smooth it hurts.
THIS SUCKS, GRETA. I’m gonna shit all over every dark cloak moment tonight because GARDEN is PASTELS AND FLORALS. None of this witchy shit.
This one doesn’t count and that’s obvious because LOOK AT THESE SPARKLY MIRROR FLOWERS. I could stare at these bedazzles foreva.
Well this is classy as hell. Business florals! The cherry on top of this elegant formalwear would OF COURSE be the Elizabeth James top hat veil.
I get that this belt costs more than my entire closet especially because I was raised a Maxxinista and I’ve never paid more than $24.99 for an item of clothing but my lord that is tacky as hell. And RIDING BOOTS?!
I would’ve rode harder for this if it was head to toe flowers but I’m not going to shade it because it’s not. I’m all in on the embroidered suit and dark frames.
This is actual trash and I’ve stared at it for WAY too long trying to decipher what these black shapes are supposed to be. I feel like I’m in an art museum being forced to describe a painting. So whether they’re supposed to be shaped as something or it’s abstract, it is hideous.
I always respect the hustle when someone goes there, but I’m confused about how Garden evoked Disney villain here. Seems like the antithesis to the theme and also if that’s your real hair PLEASE give us a peek at the before bed routine when you’ve turned your head into an actual birds nest. Would tune into that Instagram story like it’s appointment television. What can I say, I like to watch the world burn.
A leather poop suit and the streamers you hang as a backdrop for the poor man’s photobooth are not only off theme but also disgusting to look at. Go in time out. Both of you.
Adding a couple glitter flowers to this doesn’t make it better. Sick Lydia bangs though. Naht.
I’m praying this is the only ‘oopsie, I’m naked’ look of the night because I want to take this trend and shove it up the next girl’s cooch who does it. SINCE WHEN DID BEING FULLY NUDE BECOME FASHION? I’m so sick of seeing everyone’s slops yabs and pikachus. You could have the most beautiful body on this earth and I don’t care to see it fully on display like you’re a G-D French sculpture. This is America. And in America, we cover our bits when we’re in mixed company. Kindly get your buttcrack out of my face. I don’t want to have to ask again.
I’m very into the floral extravaganza happening on her shoulders, mostly because the color reminds me of hydrangeas which happen to be my fave. I’m very much not into the rest of this dress because it’s Colonial and frumpy as all hell.
What a prince charming cutie! To be clear, not really on theme but his periwinkle vest dazzled me.
This is Puss in Boots carrying a bouquet of black flowers. It’s so stupid that I think I love it. And let me remind you, the Met Gala is the ONLY time where I commend ridiculousness because it’s such a dumb concept to begin with to have Queen Anna Wintour invite only certain celebrities and tell them to dress for a theme while she wears the same tired outfit every year, takes zero fashion risks and makes these puppets dance.
See what I mean?
Oh Kylie, you could’ve just hit the boardwalk and gotten that with a side of salt water taffy! I’ll pick one up for you when I’m in AC next weekend.
THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Jess understood the assignment and looks like a woodland fairy princess.
Why don’t you spit directly in Anna Wintour’s face next time, Penelope! Was the theme old Hollywood glam? No it sure as shit was not. Penelope is the chick who claims she didn’t know it was a costume party. Or even worse, the one who shows up to girls wine night in full glam while everyone else is in their pjs with their hair on top of their head. Does she look phenomenal? Absolutely. Do we hate her for it? Absolutely.
This is Home Ec dress gone horribly wrong. Just pasting bows and mesh all willy nilly.
Hope you don’t have to poop, buddy! Those talons could do some real damage if they sliced through the TP whilst wiping. Yes, that’s the only takeaway I have from this outfit.
This is such a snoozeroni. Were we going for birds or butterflies to glue to our eyes? Meh. Do better.
Another “yea I’ll just wear what I always wear, thx” and Shakira can take her red flamenco dress and salsa right out of my face.
Again, AQUA! But this is boring AF. Wear that shit to the Oscars, not the Met.
Chris Hemsworth was on the board or one of the hosts or whatever other fake titles they give each year to the elite and for someone who was in the top tier, this ain’t it. I expect the party planning committee to come strong. I expect them to dress as a literal garden. Wearing a tan suit and showing off the chesties isn’t cutting it. I do love wifey’s flower crown though. I feel like that was an easy accessory to rock and no one capitalized on it. JUSTICE FOR MORE FLOWER CROWNS.
I LOOOOOOVE this. It’s a champagne dream and I, too would like to live under a roof of bow.
I have absolutely no clue what Chase was going for here, total miss. Was it supposed to be a contrast of like Criss Angel meets Tinkerbell? Weird way to air out your roleplay and honestly the 14 layers of cross necklaces over his bare chest gives me the heebie jeebies BUT KELSEA. WHAT A HIT. I’m obsessed with this and I wish she hip checked her greasy Crucifictorious front man out of the frame and let those flowers shine.
Meg Ryan looks snatched as hell and that’s the only reason I’ll let the black gown slide.
MA’AM. YOU ARE LITERALLY A MUMMY. DID YOU GET THE SAME INVITE AS EVERYONE ELSE?!
Respectfully, no. One time my sister’s friend convinced her that one of the American Girl dolls blinked at her unprompted and if I had to picture a nightmare scenario where a doll comes to life, it is Michelle.
Ope, alright let’s keep the terrifying rolling. Lookin like she was dragged out from the bottom of the lake to haunt us all.
hold for applause. She came as an ACTUAL TREE. Iconic.
I hate these shaped gowns, they make absolutely no sense to me. Why does your dress need a cage over it that gives you pointy hips.
A moment of silence for this yellow rose train paired with a deep red lip. Stunning .
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Under ANY other circumstance I might actually give it up to Nicole for this one, but for this theme, no way, Jose. Unless she’s going for bird and birds are found in gardens…LOOPHOLE, I’m back in. I was politely surprised by my fierce love for surprise feathers here.
We’ve seen JLo do this a million times. I’m not blown away.
Get right out of my grillpiece you cyborg lookin mf’er.
I’m a reformed Demi stan and typically everything she does lately makes me roll my eyes out of my skull but credit where credit is due, this is a good look for her.
The giant bow butt and the tin foil wrap are a given at every damn red carpet and yet I still get irrationally angry when I see one. THIS LOOKS DUMB. I can HEAR this photo and that’s NOT a compliment.
Obsessed. So whimsical.
ANOTHER set of Beetlejuice bangs?! why. Not in love with this color or the pointy shoulder or the weird greasy bangz.
Suh punk rock, dude. Gawd, the guys really blew this one. NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR TOUGH GUY ANTICS.
She be FLOWERING, yo. Props for the extra junk in that trunk and pls stay 6 ft away backdrop. Wish I could wear that at ShopRite on a Sunday to keep the New Jerseyans with absolutely no regard for personal space at bay.
This is dangerously close to wearing a tinfoil hat. I appreciate the commitment to the bit but it’s not werking for me.
This almost feels like Carrie Bradshaw attends the Royal Wedding and I wholeheartedly approve. Mary Poppins meets the Queen.
Get the Kardashians uninvited from the Met or we riot.
“Lube me up and twirl me in Saran Wrap” – What Elle said to her stylist, I presume.
If Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2 lived in Paris instead of Central Park, this is what I imagine she’d look like. Chic Parisian bird lady. Either version, Kevin would still be terrified of her at first but then they would become bonded for life by a couple of Turtle Dove ornaments courtesy of Mr. Duncan.
OH two looks, Zendaya! Who do you think you are? Ri Ri?! (She had the flu so I guess Zendaya decided to pick up the slack.) As much as this flower bonnet makes me cackle because it’s for sure giving her a killer headache, I’m much more into the Parisian bird lady look. Enough with the black cloaks.
WHY BLACK?! I love this dress. I think it’s beautiful and accents her big ole knockers that everyone has their knickers in a twist about perfectly. But we RUINED it with the black wig and gloves.
Sweet spaghetti coat, babes.
Cardi is living for this moment and it’s such a giant miss that it’s laughable. Like I’m gonna show up with a 50 ft wide black gown and bright green nails to match my Rose from Titanic necklace. Bye, bish.
Was the theme Under the Sea? GET LAWWWWSSSSSTTTTTT.
Oh good, at least 1 out of 3 followed the rules. Out of all of her atrocious looks through the years, I can honestly say this one is pretty decent. Props for finally getting it right. Or more importantly, props to me for being the bigger person and putting my raging hatefire aside to fairly judge this look. That being said, uninvite this family. We’ve had enough.
WE HAVE MADE IT! Spring is just around the corner and nothing marks that like Hollywood’s BIGGEST night. I started out this awards season by flexing all of my streetwear to show you, my loyal red carpet snarksters, that I am of course the MOST qualified to spend several months out of the year boom roasting fashion choices by people who pay top dollar for the finest of clothes styled by the professionals. I can style the SHIT out of loungewear on a day to day basis and I recently had a shower thought that my style as a grown woman never graduated from what Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were wearing in the mid to late nineties. It was a pivotal time in discovering my fashion identity and to be honest, one that I never wish to grow out of. I love the shit out of overalls, a coordinated set, and spending way too much time matching my nails, accessories, socks and sometimes even underwear to a color scheme that I’m rockin.
That being said, this was also the year that I decided I’d become a PJ pants in public kind of person. Not like running errands, I’m not a total heathen, but I have become a little *too* comfy with taking my dog for a full-fledged walk around the surrounding neighborhoods in my jammies. To cut myself a little slack if I may, I went from being able to walk 10 steps to a dog park to exercise my dog to having to walk her several times a day. I know, real sob story from the girl who moved to the beach. BOOHOO. But the DGAF factor is high when you’ve gotta stroll with your dog that many times a day, especially when it’s dark in the winter. Flannel PJs are basically required uniform for that. Where I start to toe the line is when it’s 11am on a Sunday and my fellow ritzy beach area residents are probably on their way back from Church with the fam and are subjected to me shuffling around the ‘hood in Uggs and Christmas plaid fleece jamz. Which is the exact picture I painted this morning. And you know what? Dooooooon’t Caaaaare. There were like 40 mph winds and the only way to get me out in that is in my coziest and warmest sleepwear. Plus, the magic of Christmas extends as long as the weather sucks. Everyone knows that. So without further ado (was that the longest definitely unnecessary self-deprecating rant you’ve read in a while?!) here’s the big Kahuna for red carpets from the kinda schmuck who has given up on actually dressing herself to leave the house…seriously spring can’t get here fast enough.
WORST
I get real turnt for a seafoam but this is too weird. Loose forearm sleeves…why? The choker sheer scarf brings me right back to the early aughts when the skinny scarf added to every outfit was a choice. Not a good one but ah those were the times. And may I also pose a question because I’ve seen this hairstyle a few times now? Is using gel to shellac a few wispy strands to the forehead a trend? Is this perhaps the new loose face framing strands with an updo? If so, respectfully no.
Ooohh this is more an MTV VMA’s look booboo. Lil party girl hoochie mama. Spoiler alert: her performance outfit was even hoochie coochier. Ah, to be in your twenties again.
What fresh hell is this? I’d compare them to pajamas but you’ve seen what duds I’m rockin to sleep in. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a silk tux. In fact, I just was introduced to silk pillow cases (s/o my sis for the gift) and my first trial run with them last night was REAL slippery. My head almost slid right off the bed on more than one occasion. Imagine wearing head to toe silk too? Hey Dwane, do a slide, let’s see how slick that sucker is!
This style feels outdated to me. Plus, kinda seems dangerous? Like why is her neck hooked up to her right tit? Looks like she’s trying to hang herself by her areola.
It’s giving airport lounge singer.
HOLY HAIR. My ‘lanta this is bad. First and foremost, I’ve always hated pink and red together. They clash as much as black and brown do (personal pref.) Second and probably more important, ew times a thousand to that Dynasty hairstyle.
This dress is a dinosaur personified. You can’t see it in this photo but the back is straight ridges and a tail. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Wicked Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)
If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like to get eaten alive by an unruly pair of wide-legged pants, welp, here’s a real clear visual.
Two words: BUCKLE STRAPS.
She looks like she just got done smoking a long cig, listening to Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and just stumbled into the Oscars and no I cannot further elaborate on that very niche character I’ve just created from one cursory glance at this photo.
Honestly this is horrifying. I’m so overstimulated by this purple poppy sparkle ‘sploshe.
MARGOT👏 IS👏 DEAD👏 TO👏 ME. Great statement you’re making here. You’ve worn pink incessantly for the better part of a year and you’re done. This is the funeral of Barbie as we know it. Well GUESS WHAT BABE, I’ve been waiting for you to literally shit pink on the red carpet for the Oscars after a SUUUUUPER lackluster showing during awards season and you midas whale just hawk a lugey directly in my face with this outfit. And not for nothing but is that bedhead? What a giant F-U to anyone who wishes she has Barbie’s ENTIRE wardrobe at her fingertips (ME). I could’ve worn this shitty dress. In fact, I did to a wedding in 2018. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I’m less enraged about JLC wearing black because she didn’t singlehandedly make hot pink the *moment*, but this is still suuuuuch a snoozer.
Kind of a ricochet shot here from Margot but HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR A PINK SUIT?! I wanted SO MUCH from these two and I’ve never been more underwhelmed in my life when the possibilities were literally endless. Ya, I peeped those pink socks. Doesn’t count unless he’s gonna grow a set and pull them up over his pants.
I don’t know what’s happening up top here other than a rogue bedazzler but I’m all set.
This is a lot. I think removing the full blown pom-pom sleeves and the cape would make this more digestible.
UGH I hate the horned strapless top. Why so horny?
Oh fuck right off with this look, excuse my French. What is she, carrying an entire bunk’s worth of sleeping bags? How stupid. She’s mummified head to toe and then just dragging around bundles of laundry. For what? FOR WHAT, ARIANA?! To irritate your seatmate and look like an a*hole? Mission accomplished. (Before I get internet yelled at, yes I’m aware she’s going for Glenda the Good Witch for movie promo purposes. Still stinks.)
IT’S THE PEPLUM, BB.
Another iteration of the skinny dangling scarf and a reminder that less is more, people! The dress is good without a strand flying loose in the breeze.
Continuing my awards-season-long vendetta against top heavy ladies doing strapless and putting all the trust in the world into a very small/flimsy amount of fabric to keep everything in check.
Kinda trampy maid vibe, srynotsry.
BEST
A moment of silence for 90’s teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett coming back into the fold and being hot cool sunglasses guy with a glam wife upon his return.
It’s Andie Anderson yellow and I’ll always have a soft spot for that. Even though she’s not wearing the Isadora diamond, I’m very into this sapphire icing to contrast the golden tones of the dress.
MMM I love this color.
Pretty much every man disappointed me with a boring black tux so this is where we start getting really despy. I’m not a huge fan of poop suits but gotta give credit, Matthew spiced it up and matched his shades. Camila’s bejeweled boobs were doing it for me too.
Frannie got a BOD-AY. Great figure for a slinky gown like this, loving the little briefcase purse and the braid.
A coordinated coups!!! A rare sighting and it makes me swoon to see a man support his woman in fash. They both look amahzing and we don’t need to wonder where Emily’s lady bits are because we’ve got a treasure map pointing right to them! Also, a little jarring to see a dress that looks like it’s being held up above her shoulders by imaginary hands but once you get past that trickery, it’s hard to deny she looks STUNNING.
Whatta babe this dress fits her like a glove.
Again, not to beat a dead horse but that’s what I do BEST, would’ve loved a little nod to weird Barbie, but she does look lovely and classic.
Wish we got a TEENSIE bit more leg here, maybe a cut just past the knee skirt but, Billie! You did it, homegirl! She’s crushing this look!
So simple and yet it’s perfect!
Now this is what I’m talking about! FULLY redeemed himself from the red carpet flop with this Ken-licious look. Pink sparkles, shades, pink gloves, ALL ON POINT. Not to mention that this performance was above and beyond what I wanted. RyGos is Ken and Ken is RyGos.
SPARKLE FISH!
Very tasteful feather sitch.
I’m a big believer that polka dots should be taken out back with a shotgun but surprising us all, I LOVE this! It’s retro chic and I’m equal parts admiring and jelly of this island glow she’s sporting on top of the polkas.
I just want to tuck myself into Carey’s pocket (or poof) and go everywhere she goes. It’s no secret to anyone who has been a loyal follower of my red carpets that I REGULARLY slobber all over her. It’s like she never misses. Sure, this gown probably falls into the mermaid bottom category, but also it doesn’t because the way it’s cut with the scalloping black is on another level. High Fash for dayz. And take it from a gal who has roughly 8 sets of Christmas PJ’s to rotate…I KNOW high fashion.
An ice Queen in all the best ways.
GET IT, GIRL! Put your party ruffles on!
Respect for the toppiest of top buns and a slammin leg moment.
We haven’t seen this babe in a minute! She’s looking toight and I’m here for the shiny champagne gown.
A DEBUT BUMP! I’m always shocked by celebs who can sneak under the radar with a pregnancy. Gurl is REAL pregnant and just was like WHAM guess who’s with child on the red carpet. Love a buzzworthy moment and she’s werkin it Beyonce Single Ladies style.
Peps double standard. I’m not a h8er of this peplum because it’s like pepLite. It’s not a hard pep. Say pep again. Though let’s be real, the glitz is really what caught my eye.
I can get down with this cape.
MIAMI VICE. Love the contrast of the black sparkle palm trees against the pink shine.
Thank you for your service, sir.
BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
“Oh damn, America!” were the exact words I texted my mother. I’m so all in for the pink on her. I may have dumped all over every other Barbie but America was consistently killing it this awards season and was leaning more into the dark classic gowns, so for her to flip the switch to pink for the finale, HELL YEA! The cut of this dress is so flattering and it’s very fun and Disco Barbie-esque.
The SAG Awards being on a Saturday night has forever thrown me off, I remember days in my fresh from college years where I was pre-gaming to the awards. Obviously that is no longer an issue for me as I can’t remember the last time I unironically used the term pre-gaming or left my house after 10pm. But, pulling a red carpet out of my ass on a Saturday night is still a feat. On top of that, Netflix had to flex their live TV muscle and decide to show them this year making it confusing as to how I could even find them. Needless to say, I missed half the awards but it was too big of a heavy hitter to also miss the red carpet. (I figured the People’s Choice Awards were geared toward reality monsters and everyone looked like garbaggio anyway so I went ahead and skipped that one, you’re welcome.)
WORST
It’s Working Girl meets One Room School House and it is hideous.
I’m sorry, what? I could stare at this gloves/shrug combo deal forever and still be perplexed by it. Did she have to lay face first on a bed and put her hands and arms into those gloves and then pull the shelf bra over her chest? No that can’t be right because how did it get around the back? I may never figure this out but honestly I don’t want to because it’s disgusting.
I don’t love the color of this but even more so, I don’t love this weird glitter/brocade texture.
This is a Bitty Baby version of Kathryn’s duds above. What’s with the black shelf bra and sheer gloves?! Also, immediately no:
I literally get a headache just looking at it.
What a monstrosity. The poof around her neck is giving court jester while the 5 layers of cupcake tiers are giving my worst nightmare. And to top it all off we’ve got a blinding bronze linear pattern. Just goes to show that a best dressed at one red carpet can fall right down the well into a dumpster fire at the next.
This is jarring to say the least. Imagine being a grown adult with an underboob cutout in the shape of a Dorito? Cringe city.
American Girl Doll chic except it’s not chic at all it’s basically a picnic tablecloth with Kirsten braid bunz.
OoOoh a condom waterfall!
Lace halter is so 2000’s prom dress it hurts.
I’m actually feeling kind of torn about this. On the one hand, her makeup is stunning and I love the simple jewels. On the other hand, the top of this dress being a square with shoulder dangles and boxy throughout is super unflattering on her.
Ole toilet paper mummy head ass. Homegirl just looks like she got attacked by wolves on her way here. How are we calling this a dress? It’s just a bunch of shredded fabric glued together and if the person who designed this is rolling in it, I’m about to change careers. Charlee! Hand me my shears!
I hate to be the one to say it and I know I’ll rock the boat on the JAW cult following, but the man whose last name is White, does not actually look great in a white suit. It’s a little pervy to me and I can’t even explain why because it’s just a suit on a deliciously hot man. Maybe it’s the pointy black boots? I don’t know but so far this season we’ve seen him in all black and black pants with a white jacket and I was hunky dory with both of those but this is an ick.
I hate that opera gloves are making a red carpet comeback. Sure, I love to be dramatic as much as the next gal but we don’t need gloves up to our armpits with a full glam look. There’s a time and a place for the Pretty Woman gloves and green leather with a full detailed floral dress ain’t it, honey. (I actually like the dress because I’m a sucker for mint and for flowers but the gloves ruined it.)
I’m sorry, was the jester on several stylist mood boards for the SAGs?! HOLY DANGLES. This makes my eyes hurt and probably poked a lot of people as she scooted by.
DIE AWAY FROM ME BIG BELTS. No one, and I mean no one, should ever go back into their Big Belt Era. That being said (and I mean it, don’t let this stupid trend come back) I do like the top corset-esque cut to the dress.
Look, Bradley’s getting up there in age. He’s no longer the suave Hollywood babe so effortlessly. And that’s why I feel like I wanted more from him. He can’t just get by on his good looks anymore he’s gotta turn up the heat in the fashion department. I trust that he’ll read this note and come right for the Oscars.
STRAPLESS BOOBS.
I’ve got a Barbie heel to Margot Robbie’s neck this awards season and I won’t let up until she wows me. This is super vaginal. I saw it and was like oh she’s going for pussy chic. I KNOW she has an arsenal of original Barbie fits to pick from the cream of the crop and I’m sick of her not pulling out all the stops for red carpets. Sure, she kinda got snubbed for the Oscars. It’s whatever. All the more reason to be showing OUT on the carpet. Keeping my fingers crossed for an Oscars stunner.
GLEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THAT POOP SUIT WHAT TF ARE YOU DOING?! YOU HAVE A TOP ROM COM AND YOU SHOW UP ON THE SILVER CARPET LOOKING LIKE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL AND NOT THE BABE SODA OF EVERY GIRL’S DREAMS?!
BEST
Simple and kinda 90’s alt chick but it works.
Oh hell yea this is a nice twist on the lady suit. Tuxedo style top with a sparkle skirt! I’m into this.
This guy is just happy to be here after that long hiatus and I like that he’s dressing to impress. He’s not pulling out the tired black tux, he’s spicing it up with a SAG-AFTRA blue (literally matches the background) and he looks great.
Not 100% in love with a mesh shirt but definitely swoon for a pastel blue.
I’m totally cool as a cuke about not having a flat tummy and continuing to consume all the cheese in the world until I see something like this and I’m like SHOULD I STARVE MYSELF/EXERCISE TO GET ABS?! The answer of course is I’d rather die, but I did think about it for a second. This midsection is TOIGHT. She looks fit as a fiddle and is even making me like peaches and cream in a gown.
The PERFECT hourglass dress.
Hey Girl, let me be your pastel Easter egg. Open me for a surprise. Whoa that took a weird turn, huh? That’s what happens when Ryan’s lookin like a spring snack getting me all hot and bothered.
An elegant Ice Princess.
The Disgusting Brothers can do whatever they want to me if they look like this. (I’m sorry I’m bringing an aggressive sexual energy to this red carpet, I literally can’t help it..look at Cousin Greg’s bedroom eyes.)
Put this in a museum because it’s a rare moment when I’ll say ok to these two. Billie’s back to black hair in a sassy pony and she’s got a school girl vibe and I’m digging it. It’s like classic Ralph Lauren. PLUS when her hair isn’t shades of neon, her eyes pop so much more! GO BILLIE GO!
I feel like Jen chopping her hair has contributed to a major glow-up. Not that she needed one. She’s been stunning for several decades in the spotlight but this sassy short hair is DOING IT ALL. She’s sunkissed (whether real or fake doesn’t matter), showing a little cleave and werkin a sparkle leg slit. Get down with your bad self, girliepop.
Normally not a cutout aficionado, but this seems like a tasteful side bewb sitch.
What a fun little glitzy hurricane number! Love the maroon and pattern.
Primary color Reese back at it again but damn it she looks fab.
Another fave look of the night, this dress is kinda scaley in a fun way! It’s like The Rainbow Fish but make it a little slinky number. Bookmarking this for my future wedding dress inspo. I’m gonna go into David’s Bridal and say just that.
This is me eating my words. Mermaid bottoms are toxic sludge EXCEPT when you ACTUALLY PLAYED THE LITTLE MERMAID. Loophole! I saw this and was like UGH KILL IT WITH FIRE. And then I remembered she was an actual mermaid and I immediately redacted it. She gets a pass. One time. Also great color.
Perfect LBD and really into the emerald necklace to give it a little pizazz.
I mean she’s the damn president of SAG AFTRA and basically led the strike and the negotiations for everyone to come back to making mid-TV and movies based on books. Let her rock a salsa girl emoji hot red number. She looks fabulous right down to the red nails. It makes my heart sing when a lady coordinates all of her details perfectly. 💃
BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:
I truly cannot stop gazing at this dress. It looks like liquid has been poured over her body in all the right ways. The chic bob on top and a simple necklace that perfectly accents the color is weeeerrrrkkkin. Everything about this is smooth AF.
Music’s biggest night and an unwanted and somewhat harsh reminder that I’m too old to know half of the nominees! Seriously, who were half of these bozos?! Gotta be honest if we’re grading red carpets so far this year, this one was a real stinker. Not only was it 80% nobodies, but the somebodies dressed like street rats. In fact, I’m so disappointed I’m not even crowning a best look of the night. That’s right, when the children don’t behave, I take things away. Y’all are in time out.
WORST
Take that wave and beat it, nerd.
Well folks we’ve officially entered porny fashion when your nipples have to be blurred for People.com. Why are areolas an accessory? Lock that shit up, Doja. I don’t want to see that or really anything else that’s on display with this sheer dress. Honestly surprised she didn’t go full Kitty out.
Yaaaaa I get it, this is Billie’s thing. She dresses in baggie jammies like a teen going through a phase and whatever at this point that’s not what’s bothering me. She’s rocking a Barbie letterman jacket and that has cache these days. What grinds my Barbie gears is that if you’re going to go with brightly colored hair, WHY NOT DO PINK?! I mean come on, it’s such an obvious layup and I would be like YAS BARBIE KWEEN! Instead I want to barf.
Speaking of barfing, you know I’m about to rip a look apart when multiple people text me about it. Miley is known for seeking attention at awards shows as I think we all remember the nude latex bikini and foam finger duo as much as we’d like to forget. It’s no coincidence that as I’m writing this caption, she marched that behemoth of a teased mullet onto the stage to perform, further fueling my hatefire. I think I speak for everyone when I say what the actual fuck. What about her song Flowers deems an era of Princess Leia chains and an 80’s hairspray Joe Dirt mullet. She changed for the show probably because she didn’t want to sit on the equivalent of a chain link fence rubbing all up on her bits for 8 hours. She also switched to a less revealing but equally as loud silver showgirl number for her performance where her hair was once again a main character. You did it girlfriend, you got the attention, and possibly a metal rash. Enjoy sorting through that rat’s nest tomorrow.
No words, just this:
You can’t really tell because of how she’s posing but this dress has hip slits and no ma’am I don’t want it.
Our “did they finish making this dress?” look of the night. And to think this yarn and tulle explosion was done *on purpose.* And you know what’ll complete the look? Braids and a giant hat of course.
It’s the pointy shoes for me, bruh.
This was the part of the red carpet where I truly wondered if I should be watching these awards shows anymore. I know who Phoebe Bridgers is on her own, I didn’t know that she somehow was in a group called BoyGenius and these lil white shortpant suits are atrocious. I’m glad People used the picture where they’re mostly smiling because as they posed they looked like hostages in formalwear and it was v unsettling.
Welp this is pirate cosplay.
BOO. HISS. COME AT ME, SWIFTIES! This look stinks on toast and anyone who’s too wrapped up in their Taylor obsession to admit this cannot be trusted. This is a bedsheet. There’s nothing special about it other than the fact that it clearly showcases how her spray tan stops at her ankles. Yoikes, girl. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before (possibly just to my family but perhaps on this platform) Swifties are awaiting the Reputation re-record. So everytime Taylor has been seen in public in the past few months, these psychos have been foaming at the mouth for Reputation clues. Well this seems to be the most promising as her black gloves and choker with a clock set to midnight leads to the assumption that we’ll find out soon if it’s coming out. I for one hope we get the announcement so I can stop reading REPUTATION IS COMING because she dared to have curly hair at a football game. And once again, timing is everything, as I write this she announces her brand new album (not re-record) coming out in April so blow my brains out we’ll hear about Reputation for the rest of our damn lives because this chick will literally not stop releasing 25 fresh songs every quarter.
She may have found herself on the worst dressed list but at least she looked better than her most hated ex-boyfriend who looks like a 70’s hotel carpet. WHAT A LOSER. A LOSER WITH A SKINNY WIENER.
THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.
Oh ok, sure babe, just cut a hole in a dinner napkin and toss it over your head to cover your rack.
NOOOOOO not the cleavage tie. Don’t bring THAT back. This is trashy as hell and you can’t change my mind by bangling to your armpits and double hooping it, Lizzo.
I don’t care that this makes me sound like a senior citizen but what do kids these days see in a rapper who looks like orphan Annie? It’s alarming at best.
Former Sexiest Man Alive has really fallen hard off that post by doing a man cleave deep v silky tie shirt. It’s giving me all the icks.
Zach Bryan and Noah Kahan blew up into a different stratosphere this year. They kind of have similar music and also don’t really? That’s the best way I can describe men with good voices and strong lyrics who may or may not be the same genre. But I feel like they’re often mentioned in the same breath. So why not match for the Grammys? Like come on dudes, be original. Make a splash. I’m so tired of every guy looking identical.
Lana has a whole schtick and I’m sorry bout it but I hate it. I don’t think grown-ups wearing tea time dresses with puffy shoulders, hard bangz and bows coming out the ass is cute, I think it’s weird.
BEST
This outfit is so stupid that I respect the hell out of it. if you roll up to the Grammys as a nobody, you HAVE to do a bit. What do you have to lose? She will forever (until I forget next week) be known as fur sombrero.
Do I love this? No. But Chrissy’s got a set of hot legs and I dig the rose shape to make it floral fun.
This style dress is definitely having a moment as I’ve already peeped it a couple times this season. I like a little optical illusion even though overall this is kinda a snoozer. Yeah that’s right, I’m so annoyed with this red carpet that even my “best dressed” are getting a little sass too. WOW ME, PEOPLE. I’m not one of those E Red Carpet correspondents who falls all over themselves to say each person they speak to is stunning, flawless, and amazing. If they’re all stunning, flawless & amazing then NO ONE IS.
ONLY Lenny Kravitz can wear a mesh shirt with leather sleeves. No one else. (Also that bod…sup?)
Stunning, Flawless, Amazing.
This is a flattering gown but can I ask what the rules are for trends? Because some of these trends that are having a hard comeback like chokers for example, were spicy in 2016. And that seems too soon? Like who decides the rebound period on what’s hot in the streets. I’m mostly pissed because I got rid of my chokers last year. I figured by the time they came back around I’d be too old for them and NOW HERE WE ARE. The over the knee boots, dark lips and chokers were my MF’in JAM in 2016 and 2017 and who could’ve predicted that they’d only take a 6 year hiatus?!
Ed looks trendy kewl in this camo-ish set but why is Aaron Dessner dressed up as a burglar?
This is classy cool and how you rock a power hat.
Could do without the OJ Simpson gloves but love the detailing giving a black suit some pizazz.
God Billy Joel is so cool it hurts. The iconic wayfarers, dropping a new song when he literally never has to release music again because he plays nothin but the hits at the Garden every month to a soldout crowd. Of course, that’ll be ending soon, and I’m definitely not feeling any sorts of bitter about it as someone who couldn’t afford nosebleeds for $300 a piece and lamely keeps checking hoping somehow I’ll find a deal. COME ON PIANO MAN, HOOK A GIRL UP! (I was supposed to see him in December of 2022 and he just had to go and cancel 3 days before. SO CLOSE YET SO FAR.)
Sofia is the moment for fashion. Everything she does is so chic, so much so that her first post-pregnancy announcement outfit provoked me to immediately message my sister and ask her if I need to start one-strapping my overalls now even though I’m not with child but look like I potentially could be.
That’s hot.
OK GAYLE. She’s WERKIN this sparkle jam.
Can’t shout out Gayle without her #1 homegirl O! Oprah is aging backwards. She’s skinny again, she’s rocking a party pony, she’s still running the shouting announcer-voice style into the mic bit into the ground. It continues to be Oprah’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Definitely had higher expectations for Kelsea because she’s been crushing this year but I do enjoy the purple flowers even though the top half of the dress looks like she got mauled by a bear.
Christina went onstage early to present and I was like HOT DAMN she looks amazing and immediately scrambled to find her red carpet piccie. She’s killin it in baby blue!
Including this photo was 1000% for my own entertainment. This is Bonnie McKee. She sang the sleeper 2004 hit “Somebody” which you may remember from the absolute fire flames rom com classic “Win A Date with Tad Hamilton,” which I still quote regularly. I was #blessed to see Bonnie open up for Ryan Cabrera soon after in my first parents-free concert and color me shocked to see her fiery red hair on the carpet that matches the drapes. BONNIE?! WHATCHU DOIN AT THE GRAMMYS, GORL?! Proud of you.
BUSTA with the floral patterned jacket!
Despite the jarring lip/chin dangle, Fantasia looks bomb.com here and I certainly cannot say the same for her Tina Turner inspired performance where she had an actual tail dangling from her downstairs and a rattail floating from her upstairs. Lotta tail and it really made me wonder if no one wanted to dance it out with her in the audience because of that.
I’ll allow it because it’s glittery.
Haven’t seen Ellie in a minute and I’m into this witchy Raven of darkness mood.
Kelly looks like a babe soda and this gown really accentuates her new figure which I can’t help but notice turned up REAL QUICK and I wonder if she’s drinking the Ozempic Kool Aid?! I hope not. YOU’RE BETTER THAN A DIABETES DRUG THAT BRAVOLEBRITIES ABUSE. Jus sayin. If you lost weight the old fashioned way (by starving yourself and doing 3 workouts a day) then I redact and you keep up the good work, girl!
The Holy Trinity. Can I just say that as soon as I glimpsed Blue as a grown ass woman in a gown, I was like oh wow I’m 900 years old. When did she become an adult?! She looked very elegant, especially next to her mom wearing a white 10 gallon hat lookin like a damn fool. You may be thinking, is she really going to take shots and Tay AND Bey?! And you bet your bottom dollar I am because if you wear something stupid, I’M GONNA TELL YA! YEEHAW. In all seriousness, I do like Beyonce’s outfit just absotootley didn’t need a comically large cowboy hat to top it off. PS Jay-Z’s speech was my favorite of the night. Admitted he was nervous as hell but landed the plane with some inspirational thoughts at the end. HOV!
The Salty Ju 