MET MONDAAAAAAYYYYY, BABY! I don’t think I could ever top getting day drunk last year and blowing Hollywood to smithereens with my boozy hot takes. HOW-ev-ER, as always I’d like to puff up my credentials and nothing makes me more qualified to show up for this red carpet like I’m Anna Wintour than the compliment I received while rolling into Marshalls with a bag full of returns after I went too hard in the paint during Member Mornings* this weekend. *Member Mornings are exclusive VIP events for TJX cardholders like myself. As I breezed in, two Gen Z girlypops in baggy cargo pants and crop tops were exiting and one of them turned to me and casually remarked “I like your outfit.” And time stopped. I felt like I was soaring on the back of a bald eagle and then that bald eagle fell out of the sky as realization hit me that she was probably bullying me and the two of them in their claw clipped hair with their midriffs exposed for sure waited until I was out of earshot to cackle about me dressing like an Olsen Twin a mere week away from turning 33. The outfit in question:

Even Charlee is unimpressed. But guess what, motherfuckers? Those overalls were $20 at Marshall’s AND I was a chosen one for a $10 giftie at my v exclusive event so they were really $10 and I’m WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Eat your heart out, twenty-somethings, cause I’m gonna dress like I’m on All That until I’m six feet under and there’s nothing you or Dan Schneider can do about it.

So now that you’ve seen my couture, let’s get to it…this year’s theme was “The Garden of Time.” And might I say thank you for choosing a theme that I don’t have to google the meaning of cause bitch, I KNOW MY FLOWERS! So let’s get to steppin on judging Fashion’s biggest event.

It’s giving I’m the eldest boy energy but also angelic and I’m here for it.

KEWL NUDE PANTALOONS! Sexxxxyyyy. (And you KNOW that’s bullying because I wear full cotton briefs on the daily double and they’re still more flattering than this undercarriage disaster.)

I mean let’s call a spade a spade, nothing about this is on theme but damn I love a dreamy grey suit. V dapper.

What the actual fuck is happening here. It seems we’re carrying over last year’s theme of princess of darkness. And why are we getting underwear jammed down our throats again? Clean it up, Dua.

I’ll always have a weak spot for an aqua moment. She’s preggers and it’s a fairytale gown.

GLAM ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I would die for this giant clock briefcase. So smooth it hurts.

THIS SUCKS, GRETA. I’m gonna shit all over every dark cloak moment tonight because GARDEN is PASTELS AND FLORALS. None of this witchy shit.

This one doesn’t count and that’s obvious because LOOK AT THESE SPARKLY MIRROR FLOWERS. I could stare at these bedazzles foreva.

Well this is classy as hell. Business florals! The cherry on top of this elegant formalwear would OF COURSE be the Elizabeth James top hat veil.

I get that this belt costs more than my entire closet especially because I was raised a Maxxinista and I’ve never paid more than $24.99 for an item of clothing but my lord that is tacky as hell. And RIDING BOOTS?!

I would’ve rode harder for this if it was head to toe flowers but I’m not going to shade it because it’s not. I’m all in on the embroidered suit and dark frames.

This is actual trash and I’ve stared at it for WAY too long trying to decipher what these black shapes are supposed to be. I feel like I’m in an art museum being forced to describe a painting. So whether they’re supposed to be shaped as something or it’s abstract, it is hideous.

I always respect the hustle when someone goes there, but I’m confused about how Garden evoked Disney villain here. Seems like the antithesis to the theme and also if that’s your real hair PLEASE give us a peek at the before bed routine when you’ve turned your head into an actual birds nest. Would tune into that Instagram story like it’s appointment television. What can I say, I like to watch the world burn.

A leather poop suit and the streamers you hang as a backdrop for the poor man’s photobooth are not only off theme but also disgusting to look at. Go in time out. Both of you.

Adding a couple glitter flowers to this doesn’t make it better. Sick Lydia bangs though. Naht.

I’m praying this is the only ‘oopsie, I’m naked’ look of the night because I want to take this trend and shove it up the next girl’s cooch who does it. SINCE WHEN DID BEING FULLY NUDE BECOME FASHION? I’m so sick of seeing everyone’s slops yabs and pikachus. You could have the most beautiful body on this earth and I don’t care to see it fully on display like you’re a G-D French sculpture. This is America. And in America, we cover our bits when we’re in mixed company. Kindly get your buttcrack out of my face. I don’t want to have to ask again.

I’m very into the floral extravaganza happening on her shoulders, mostly because the color reminds me of hydrangeas which happen to be my fave. I’m very much not into the rest of this dress because it’s Colonial and frumpy as all hell.

What a prince charming cutie! To be clear, not really on theme but his periwinkle vest dazzled me.

This is Puss in Boots carrying a bouquet of black flowers. It’s so stupid that I think I love it. And let me remind you, the Met Gala is the ONLY time where I commend ridiculousness because it’s such a dumb concept to begin with to have Queen Anna Wintour invite only certain celebrities and tell them to dress for a theme while she wears the same tired outfit every year, takes zero fashion risks and makes these puppets dance.

See what I mean?

Oh Kylie, you could’ve just hit the boardwalk and gotten that with a side of salt water taffy! I’ll pick one up for you when I’m in AC next weekend.

THIS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. Jess understood the assignment and looks like a woodland fairy princess.

Why don’t you spit directly in Anna Wintour’s face next time, Penelope! Was the theme old Hollywood glam? No it sure as shit was not. Penelope is the chick who claims she didn’t know it was a costume party. Or even worse, the one who shows up to girls wine night in full glam while everyone else is in their pjs with their hair on top of their head. Does she look phenomenal? Absolutely. Do we hate her for it? Absolutely.

This is Home Ec dress gone horribly wrong. Just pasting bows and mesh all willy nilly.

Hope you don’t have to poop, buddy! Those talons could do some real damage if they sliced through the TP whilst wiping. Yes, that’s the only takeaway I have from this outfit.

This is such a snoozeroni. Were we going for birds or butterflies to glue to our eyes? Meh. Do better.

Another “yea I’ll just wear what I always wear, thx” and Shakira can take her red flamenco dress and salsa right out of my face.

Again, AQUA! But this is boring AF. Wear that shit to the Oscars, not the Met.

Chris Hemsworth was on the board or one of the hosts or whatever other fake titles they give each year to the elite and for someone who was in the top tier, this ain’t it. I expect the party planning committee to come strong. I expect them to dress as a literal garden. Wearing a tan suit and showing off the chesties isn’t cutting it. I do love wifey’s flower crown though. I feel like that was an easy accessory to rock and no one capitalized on it. JUSTICE FOR MORE FLOWER CROWNS.

I LOOOOOOVE this. It’s a champagne dream and I, too would like to live under a roof of bow.

I have absolutely no clue what Chase was going for here, total miss. Was it supposed to be a contrast of like Criss Angel meets Tinkerbell? Weird way to air out your roleplay and honestly the 14 layers of cross necklaces over his bare chest gives me the heebie jeebies BUT KELSEA. WHAT A HIT. I’m obsessed with this and I wish she hip checked her greasy Crucifictorious front man out of the frame and let those flowers shine.

Meg Ryan looks snatched as hell and that’s the only reason I’ll let the black gown slide.

MA’AM. YOU ARE LITERALLY A MUMMY. DID YOU GET THE SAME INVITE AS EVERYONE ELSE?!

Respectfully, no. One time my sister’s friend convinced her that one of the American Girl dolls blinked at her unprompted and if I had to picture a nightmare scenario where a doll comes to life, it is Michelle.

Ope, alright let’s keep the terrifying rolling. Lookin like she was dragged out from the bottom of the lake to haunt us all.

hold for applause. She came as an ACTUAL TREE. Iconic.

I hate these shaped gowns, they make absolutely no sense to me. Why does your dress need a cage over it that gives you pointy hips.

A moment of silence for this yellow rose train paired with a deep red lip. Stunning .

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Under ANY other circumstance I might actually give it up to Nicole for this one, but for this theme, no way, Jose. Unless she’s going for bird and birds are found in gardens…LOOPHOLE, I’m back in. I was politely surprised by my fierce love for surprise feathers here.

We’ve seen JLo do this a million times. I’m not blown away.

Get right out of my grillpiece you cyborg lookin mf’er.

I’m a reformed Demi stan and typically everything she does lately makes me roll my eyes out of my skull but credit where credit is due, this is a good look for her.

The giant bow butt and the tin foil wrap are a given at every damn red carpet and yet I still get irrationally angry when I see one. THIS LOOKS DUMB. I can HEAR this photo and that’s NOT a compliment.

Obsessed. So whimsical.

ANOTHER set of Beetlejuice bangs?! why. Not in love with this color or the pointy shoulder or the weird greasy bangz.

Suh punk rock, dude. Gawd, the guys really blew this one. NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR TOUGH GUY ANTICS.

She be FLOWERING, yo. Props for the extra junk in that trunk and pls stay 6 ft away backdrop. Wish I could wear that at ShopRite on a Sunday to keep the New Jerseyans with absolutely no regard for personal space at bay.

This is dangerously close to wearing a tinfoil hat. I appreciate the commitment to the bit but it’s not werking for me.

This almost feels like Carrie Bradshaw attends the Royal Wedding and I wholeheartedly approve. Mary Poppins meets the Queen.

Get the Kardashians uninvited from the Met or we riot.

“Lube me up and twirl me in Saran Wrap” – What Elle said to her stylist, I presume.

If Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2 lived in Paris instead of Central Park, this is what I imagine she’d look like. Chic Parisian bird lady. Either version, Kevin would still be terrified of her at first but then they would become bonded for life by a couple of Turtle Dove ornaments courtesy of Mr. Duncan.

OH two looks, Zendaya! Who do you think you are? Ri Ri?! (She had the flu so I guess Zendaya decided to pick up the slack.) As much as this flower bonnet makes me cackle because it’s for sure giving her a killer headache, I’m much more into the Parisian bird lady look. Enough with the black cloaks.

WHY BLACK?! I love this dress. I think it’s beautiful and accents her big ole knockers that everyone has their knickers in a twist about perfectly. But we RUINED it with the black wig and gloves.

Sweet spaghetti coat, babes.

Cardi is living for this moment and it’s such a giant miss that it’s laughable. Like I’m gonna show up with a 50 ft wide black gown and bright green nails to match my Rose from Titanic necklace. Bye, bish.

Was the theme Under the Sea? GET LAWWWWSSSSSTTTTTT.

Oh good, at least 1 out of 3 followed the rules. Out of all of her atrocious looks through the years, I can honestly say this one is pretty decent. Props for finally getting it right. Or more importantly, props to me for being the bigger person and putting my raging hatefire aside to fairly judge this look. That being said, uninvite this family. We’ve had enough.