Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

I think that if I had slept through that hour of television I still could have adequately provided this recap just from last week’s previews. In fact, I kind of wish I did.

We carry on with this “let’s be sad about Bev” business by opening up on her funeral. What’s vital to dwell on is not that Bev is dead and Deacon is sad, but that Rayna wears a chic as hell hat to the event like it’s the Kentucky Derby. The south has risen—hallelujah! Oh sorry is that inapprops for Bev’s tearful goodbye, because that’s the vibe I’m getting from the cap that’s perched atop Rayna’s perfect mermaid waves. Other than Rayna’s hat fit for a Tyler Perry movie, ZOEY IS BACK. “Ugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghghghg” sums up the exact reaction I had to seeing her back on my TV. She sings a little at the funeral and I pray that she’ll be hightailing it back to the land of banished minor characters who haven’t been killed STAT. Deacon holds it together and gives a beautiful eulogy. Just kidding he sputters and sobs in the first sentence and shouts SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW. Way to keep it cool, Deacon. Obviously he still regards his niece as a murderer who shall be shunned from his life forever. Then Zoey and Gunnar get a minute to chat which merely consists of Gunnar being all “hey we should catch up sometime” (a very standard thing to say to someone you’ve never made to effort to keep in touch with but awkwardly run into) and Zoey’s all “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!” No one cares, girl, no one cares.

Meanwhile Juliette misses three interviews from partying and Jeffy Fordham flies out from wherever they film Scream Queens to kick her ass into gear and declare that her punishment is to have a reporter all up in her shit for the next two days for an article. Juliette takes this opportunity to turn her life around and do what she gets paid millions to do with a smile on her face. Except for the fact that she pops an adderall from a “doctor” in a suit among a crowd of fans, like NO ONE WOULD CATCH HER TOSSING PILLS BACK. No but actually, no one thinks this is cause for concern. As if in today’s world every single fan doesn’t have their iphone out snapping pics and vids and would ever let a drug deal right in front of their dumb teen eyeballs slide on unnoticed. Ugh. Clearly this fires me up. Anyway, this one incident leads to her becoming a casual drug addict in mere minutes. She washes down some sleeping pills with a nip for bedtime before she moves onto needles the next night. No seriously, she calls formal doc over for a shot in the hip so she can “feel nothing.” Things are still going real swell for her, obviously.

Juliette takes some time out of working her way down her narcotics bucket list to see some snapshots of Avery, Emily & Screamer at the park playing house and dial up Emily to politely relay the message that she’s, “just a gold-diggin, back-stabbin, whore.” Probz safe to say that Emily’s paychecks will stop coming in on the reg. Avery tries to rationalize that his wife might still have an inkling of affection for the creature that once resided in her uterus for 9 months by comparing her to BEV. YIIIIKES. Couldn’t think of anyone else, Avery? Him holding out hope for his now doped up wife is getting a liiiiiiiiittle sad.

Someone whose not handling the sads very well is Deacon, who is often known to drown his sorrows in the bottle, but managed to stay sober for this whole episode! Pause for golf clap. Besides, we’ve got a whole season for him to fall off the wagon, no need to rush. One thing we do know is that he DOES NOT want any DAMN funeral casserole. He also beats the shit out of Bev’s old room and stuff while Maddie spies on him and runs away because her dad punched a mirror and she just can’t even.

One thing that remains is Deacon’s fiery hate for Scarlett who is having a tough time coping and when Zoey asks if Caleb is helping she says hugging him is like hugging a textbook. WHOA. Did she take that right out of an erotica novel? Hugging a textbook? Sounds hawt. What chemistry those two have. Dr. Caleb tries to put the spice back in their relationship (was it ever there?) and decides to write her a song. Since he’s so ABOVE music, his lyrics are on par with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and he’s forced to ask Gunnar for help. Gunnar obvsicles just writes a song from his heart because he’s madly in love with Scarlett but when Scarlett reads the lyrics she doesn’t suspect that Caleb had basically nothing to do with it and thanks him by opening her legs.

Layla also opens her legs as a welcome back to her boyfriend/manager Jeff Fordham, who is playing the loving boyfriend character in scarily accurate fashion. He gives her some sassy cowboy boots for her Opry debut and I would love a pair of my own, Jeff, jus sayin. No seriously, where can I buy those and are they under 20 bucks because I’m currently on an unemployment budget.

Anyway, Layla does the whole Opry debut thang and the only highlight is Jeff backstage smugly telling Rayna she finally did something right by his client and Rayna snapping back “Shut up, Jeff.” After her forgettable song, Rayna sings her praises and they are quite soon stomped on as Marcus Keen the millennial boy toy of my dreams shows up and even those sparkly cowboy boots can’t stop her from fading into the background of The Opry…Highway 65…life…The good news is that Marcus isn’t just a pretty face, he also tells riveting stories about Prince Harry grabbing the mic from him, a lesson he quickly picked up when he basically grabs the mic from Layla later on and drop kicks her from the stage.

But before that, Avery sneaks in to pitch the producer gig for Marcus by telling him that he’s got loads of credits such as being Juliette’s baby daddy…or at least that’s what Marcus knows him for. Zing, bro. It’s gotta be REAL rough to have a rep in the biz for being a baby daddy and not a talented producer. Before Avery can even seal the deal he gets a call that his little screamer has a high fever and needs to be rushed to the hospital. Obviously. (Just don’t try to call Mommy because she’ll be unconscious in nothing-land for another 10-12 hours!)

This frees up Marcus to throw an invisibility cloak over Layla and do an extremely creepy duet with Rayna about how much they love each other with a whole lot of close-face singing. It was ALMOST as mentally scarring as Juliette and Steven Tyler’s hover-arming but couldn’t quite take the cake for all the cringes. Afterward Rayna has to tell her number 1 label star that it was “uncool” to jack Layla’s spotlight and bum rush the sacred country stage. I’m gonna guess this union will be short-lived as we all know there’s only room for one diva at Highway 65 and she belongs on Nashville’s Mount Rushmore of Hair.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

All right, let’s not dance around it. This episode was a total downer. We’re forced to care about Bev’s life even though the vast majority of her existence on this show has been acidic. On top of that we’re on week I’ve lost count of Juliette’s downward family-hating spiral and it’s clear that this will fill Nashville’s void of torturously drawn out story lines that was left behind when Will FINUHLLY came out. And as if I wasn’t already feeling all sorts of things they go ahead and lay a heartbreaking Daphne meltdown on me when she realizes her dad is actually a dirty, dirty criminal liar.

UGH. I’m emotionally exhausted just from reliving all of those, but I’ll put it to the side, so we can talk about how Cadence is the worst baby in America. Like we get it girlfran, your lungs work just fine. I’m already not a fan of babies and her screeching every time we see her is not really making a convincing case for kids. The roomies handle it pretty well by trying to soothe her and then just ignoring the fact that she’s screaming bloody murder but of course the only thing that will make baby Cadence shut the F up is Mommy and Daddy’s original lullaby. What a conniving little snake that baby is trying to get her parents back together behind the music style on the same day that Avery files for divorce.

Before he decides it’s time, Avery reunites with Juliette’s employee castaways Emily & Glen. Emily offers nannying services, which will obviously become a problem and Glen tries to get preachy with Avery about how he should handle Juliette. Avery should probably fire back about how Glen’s facial hair is dark grey while the hair on his head is platinum blonde. Zing. Eventually he stares at a family picture, gets sappy to the harmonies with his estranged wife and decides not to sign the papers that he requested in the first place.

Juliette is blissfully unaware of her potential to be a divorcee while she tears it up on break from tour with Luke. She gets day hammered, throws a party and makes Luke join her onstage for a little Joan Jett karaoke because girl fo reals does NOT give a damn about her child-abandoning reputation. She also clearly doesn’t worry about hair tangles as she slams her head all over the joint in attempts to look rock n roll…or try to shake the memory that a human came out of her vagina a mere few months ago. Luke gives her a heartfelt talk the next morning when she’s probably still a little drunksies about choosing family over partying, like he wished he did. Juliette promptly chooses mimosas—which are delicious by the way. I bet mimosas don’t scream and cry all hours of the day. Jus sayin.

Keeping with the dysfunctional family theme, Maddie records a song WITHOUT Daphne, because Daph is too busy slugging bitches during recess for calling her dad a guilty jailbird. Rayna decides that maybe it’s time for a Conrad family reunion in prison. Prison Teddy looks RUFF and also he lets it slip that Daphne doesn’t need to throw haymakers on the playground in his defense anymore because he’s actually a dirty crook. There’s a lot of tears and screaming and all the sudden the two terror sisters are chip-chopping up family photos like little savages (or scorned ex-lovers trying to erase a cheating boyfriend from their lives.) Supes normal. Rayna finds the scissor sisters mid-demolition and goes APESHIT. Obviously this elicits a HE’S NOT MY FATHER from Maddie, lest we have momentarily forgotten that Deacon is HER REAL DAD. Don’t you even fret though because Rayna brings the girls back to Teddy’s high security new home to show us a precious family moment as she thanks Teddy for always being a great dad and husband and all around winner. Three cheers for the Conrads! Except not because Teddy says he’ll be pleading guilty and extending his stay in the big house AKA no longer on the Nashville call sheet. It was a nice send-off with his daughters forgiving him for being shady AF.

Low-key, before we get to the Bev saga, Will’s boyfriend Kevin has a motley crew over for a writing sesh and they heckle Will for not using his celebrity to champion gay rights. Quick reminder that this is the guy who was essentially dragged out of the closet kicking and screaming. Let’s get realistic about him becoming the leader of a country “gay is the way” movement 5 minutes later. Gawd, Kevin. LAY OFF.

Ok now for the heavy, a random doctor recommends taking Bev off life support and Deacon turns into Uncle Bully who refuses to pull the plug even though Scarlett has deciding power. They give Bev a medical test to see if she can take a breath on her own and the smug doc is like har-har she definitely will not and then lo and behold Bev takes a breath and Deacon gets right in his grill piece to let him know it. The doc peeks out from cowering under the hospital bed after Deacon’s aggressive “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER” tirade to announce that this breath means absolutely nothing and they should just yank her off life support already. Scarlett mulls the decision over by asking hot doc to decide for her and worshipping at the chapel piano for a little musical healing. I approve of the song, obviously. Then girl runs right into Gunnar’s outstretched arms. No, really. The final verdict is to let Bev go to donate her organs and Deacon handles it like a real asshole. But then I feel kind of bad because he has a big noisy cry when the offing appointment is. Then I remember that Deacon made his niece kill her mother all by herself and I go back to thinking Deacon’s being a real selfish turd. Either way, it was pretty depressing. The up side, obviously being that Bev is gone as historically the most milked minor character death. Most pressing matter of all though…what’s with the sloppy side braid Rayna? Clean it up.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

Last night’s episode should have been called “How Rayna Got Her Groove Back.” It starts out somewhat dreary when Deacon would rather hang out with a half-conscious Bev than bang, bang, bangity bang his fiancé and then a random old man we’ve never heard of before drops out of Highway 65. But Rayna does not fret over the silver cowboy; it just gives her motivation to harness that hair full of secrets and sign a new piece of man meat.

Meanwhile, Juliette’s next tour stop is Nashville and obviously that means she has to see that family she pretends to have. Avery drops in at the house (baby in tow) only to find Juliette amidst a full-blown high school rager. His entrance is about as welcome as the Manlius cops breaking up a low-key game of beer pong with taser guns. (I clearly grew up on the rough side of the tracks.) Anyway Juliette kicks everyone out then tries to tell Avery that she loves him and the **deep swallow to mask her disgust** child. She manages to hold it without throwing things or screaming then puts it down for sleepy times so she can smooch Avery and pretend nothing even happened.

I wish nothing even happened between Garlett (work in progress) because their awksies is getting real annoying. They have a photo shoot where they stand on opposite sides of the room and radiate uncomfies. The only bright side is that Scarlett wears a boobalicious black gown instead of the typical castaways from Mary Kate Olsen’s closet that she usually wraps herself in like a wandering bird lady.

Unfortunately she quickly covers the beautiful fitted dress with a drapey, baggy sweater to kick it in the hospital with Bev, who is now alert and speaking. Her daughter and bro are overwhelmed with joy while Rayna can’t even hide the look of panic in her eyes when she sees that Bev has clawed back from the grave to take the fame that she deserves. Bev takes these fleeting moments of life to show that her head injury buzz cut has humbled her and she doles out advice about Scarlett’s dating life and apologizes for being a dirt bag mom.

Deacon still won’t leave Bev’s side so Rayna goes to the girl’s talent show by herself and as the Little Conrad’s sing a tribute to their fave band “Boulevard”, Mamma Ray is like that’s cute girls, I’m going to cash in on your favorite band breaking up by poaching the lead singer to save Highway 65. And she heads off to do just that, on a commercial flight to NYC.

Poor, sad, Avery just wants his family back and can’t see that his trainwreck of a wife is using him and whats-her-name for red carpet publicity. The infant screams through Juliette’s entire performance—which is pretty snotty because the song is actually a good one. Not everyone can be as talented as The Wiggles, so Cadence should stop being such a pretentious music snob. Ever the closeted post-partum sufferer, Juliette keeps it together onstage even though I probably would’ve dropkicked the child who dared to offer back-up wails without approval. Juliette tries to prove she can mom so hard by changing the diaper backstage in her sparkly getup. Unfortunately Cadence had a real dumpfest in her diaper and pretty much drove her mom to run away and throw out her cell phone. Maybe she should lay off of the strained peas if she wanted to keep a mother. But in all seriousness, can somebody put this baby to bed?! No wonder it won’t shut the F up, it’s front row at a concert past it’s bedtime with a diaper full of shit. Anyway, Juliette’s mama bear act is OVAH just as quickly as she can charter a private jet and get a new number.

In exciting new man meat news, Rayna just about clinches the deal with Markus Keen AKA Riley Smith AKA hottie from Disney Channel Original Movie Motocrossed. She becomes every traveler’s worst nightmare yapping for an entire flight but pretty rockstar doesn’t seem to mind because Rayna is flipping her hair and batting her eyelashes to get him to sign country and revive her dying label. Bucky informs her that Keen’s lawyers want millions and full creative control and Rayna tells him to make that deal. Girl may have her groove back but those could be her famous last words. I guess boss bitch Rayna makes Deacon horny because he finally lays it on her when she gets home and promises to stay the night instead of just hitting and quitting like he’s been doing. OBVIOUSLY in that moment Bev’s heart rate decides to take another nosedive and Deacon’s definitely not going to blame sex with Rayna for that or anything. Also not for nothing ya’ll, but it’s time to off Bev. Chase that white light, gurl, you’ve served your greater purpose in saving a beloved character that should’ve never been in danger. Deuces.

Other Things That Happened That Don’t Deserve Complete Paragraphs:

-Some random music exec is the birdie in Luke’s ear all episode telling him to drop Will Lexington and his contagious gayness. According to her, Luke could be the next Jay-Z. Um, exsqueeze me, minor character, do not EVER compare Wheels Up to Hov. Dropping an openly gay artist does not a rap empire make. Also everyone knows there’s no Jay without Bey and if I recall correctly Luke lost his Bey to a guy with a shitty liver. Nice try, though.

-Daphne gets the bitchy bathroom gossip treatment while she’s hiding in the stall. Be more cliché, Nashville.

-Layla the invisible is neglected for an entire episode by everyone who’s paid to care about her and it’s actually hilarious. The only one who seems to care is Glen, who offers to be her manager. Remember Glen? Me neither, if there ever comes a day when I don’t confuse Bucky and Glen I will deserve a pat on the back.

-“It’s not like you guys are saving lives,” Hot doc serving a cold dish of I’m smarter than you to Gunnar and proving what we already suspected, he’s a dick and will be gone soon enough. Don’t get it twisted, Doc, music is more important than meddy-sin in Nashville.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Let Go”

Back in the saddle and only one month has passed since we saw a heart monitor flatline and the writers made Nashies out to be a bunch of gullible dum dums. A fictional month may have passed but they can’t pull the wool over our eyes, although it was pretty entertaining to watch them try.

The episode begins with Juliette working the red carpet for that movie she filmed while she was preggerz and trying to hide it. She is clearly still on the path of ditching motherhood for Hollywood but MORE IMPORTANTLY, her boobs are out of control. No, seriously, I’ve never seen more cleavage from her in one episode, not even when she was 100 months pregnant and had to be pulled out of bed by a crane. Clearly post-baby bod looks hella good on her. But I digress because while she’s living the dream, the writers are in the process of trying to convince us that Deacon died by showing a sad Rayna in an old tee staring mournfully at her daughters and then going to bed alone with a frownie face. As if that wasn’t enough, the next morning she discusses losing Juliette to Wheelin & Dealin Records with Bucky and sighs, “I’ve been doing a lot of letting go lately.” Proud of them for laying it on thick but THEN when you least expect it, Rayna and the girls are visting Aunt Bev in a hospital bed on life support and lookie, lookie what we have here…Deacon sashays into the room looking like a million bucks, obviously, because HE IS VERY MUCH SO ALIVE. He was all, sorry I didn’t come home last night I stayed at Bev’s side. Nice try, turds.

Once I was done being bitter about how outrageous the Deacon saga was, then I could focus on the rest of the episode, which included a lot more of hover-hand Steven Tyler invading Juliette’s personal space than I expected. No seriously, they shared a mic. But before that happened, we checked in with Scarlett & hot doc who I still don’t remember the name of. Apparently one month of living togets and Scarlett has turned into a housewife who dons silky lingerie. Hot doc gifts Scarlett with a vintage necklace to celebrate the fact that she stuck around and with a case of the stutters it becomes very clear that these two probably use the shared bed just for sleeping. Then Scarlett skidaddles over to Gunnar’s house where she pretends that they never smooched and Gunnar is like yeah totes I haven’t been dreaming about it for a month or anything. They sing for a couple minutes then forage each other’s mouths again. Scarlett says no more because she has a boyfriend and he’s safe. Yikes. Sounds like her and hot doc have something really fantastic. Naht.

Another relationship that’s really thriving is Juliette’s and Avery’s. If by thriving we mean Juliette gets hammered every night and Avery is playing Mr. Mom in Ohio, living with the parentals. Juliette calls Rayna sobbing one night after one too many ‘squila shots—we’ve all been there Julez—except when I have too much tequila it’s just a bad decision, when she has too much tequila it probably doesn’t help the rage that she has for her just-born infant that she abandoned like it was no big thang. Juliette continues her descent into asshole-land by ignoring a text from Avery, and verbally assaulting both Rayna and Layla. When she tells Layla, “I didn’t think I could think any less of you but there you go making it happen.” I’m like damn, go after the jugular, knock some sense into that sad, sad Fordham-lovin-girl. But when she tells Rayna that her label’s a joke I have the urge to give her a swift bitch slap. Fortunately Rayna handles that for me when she smoothly fires back with, “You break my heart, girl. I swear you do.” YOU DON’T EVER BREAK MISS RAYNA JAMES’ HEART. YOU GONN’ LEARN, GRRRL. What breaks my heart is that Rayna doesn’t know the number one rule of being famous is never googling yourself. She does that on the plane ride back to Nashville and really piles on the hate parade for Highway 65. Fingers crossed she gets her fire back right quick.

Someone who hasn’t lost her angsty teenage fire for one beat is Maddie, of course. A month is not nearly long enough for a teen girl to mature. Teddy sends the girls letters from the big house and Maddie throws hers right in the garbage. Teddy is a criminal and doesn’t even know how to play guitar so as far as Maddie’s concerned, he sooooks. Daphne takes it upon herself to scoop that letter right out of the trash and do a little eavesdropping (a little sister after my own heart.) Deacon walks in on Maddie trying to rip Daphne’s arms off and breaks up the sis fight but Daphne takes a page right out of Maddie’s book and shouts “You’re not my real dad!” and stomps up the stairs. Maddie tries to reason with Deacon and suggest that if he marries Rayna, Daphne won’t be able to say things like that. One would think the child of Rayna James would know better at this point but just to make it clear…marriage doesn’t make a dad and judging by the amount of stepdads these two almost had after slutty post-divorce Rayna, Daphne can very much say such things whenever she damn well pleases. #TeamDaphne.

In the last few minutes, we see Scarlett tell hot doc she loves him, instead of confessing to her tongue’s extra-currics, Juliette looks at pictures of Avery & spawn probably wishing she were less hungover and her better half decides to move his infant in with Gunnar and Will. Cause nothing says raising a child quite like having bro roommates. Full House: Nashville edition, anyone? What kind of wacky antics will these three goons get into, I wonder. Will they write some songs about changing diapers? Only time will tell.

Things that don’t matter yet:

– There’s a new hot guy working with Jeff to cage Layla in and “manage” the tour. And so begins my favorite game…WHO WILL HE BANG?! Spin the wheel, folks!

-Deacon is an ugly crier. This isn’t relevant to anything. It just needed to be said.

-Bev is coming back to life. Ugh. Why.

-Will does the greasy Abe shut-in thing for a while as the label punishes him for coming out but then he gets even more sad when he realizes he hates gay bars and DOESN’T BELONG.

-Layla still sux and leaves Jeffy Fordz the neediest teary voicemail I’ve ever heard begging him to tell her she’s #1 where it counts. No girl, you’re not.

Playlist

Best of Nashville Playlist

Nashville is back for season four tonight and rather than dwell on the terribly predictable and overplayed story lines we have ahead of us for another full season, I decided to focus on the best aspect of this show—the music. Here’s a collection of some of the top hits from Nashville seasons 1-3. Unfortunately I’m not a huge Rayna James fan, sorry let me re-phrase, I’m a huge fan of her hair and boss bitch qualities, I’m NOT a fan of her music, so you will not find much of it here.

1. Wrong Song-Connie Britton & Hayden Panettiere AKA Rayna James & Juliette Barnes. This sassy-Deacon-tell-off is the best thing Rayna and Juliette ever collab on. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Deacon bagged them both, but this song exists as a friendly reminder that these two frenemies are also Eskimo sisters.

2. If I Didn’t Know Better-Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Gunnar Scott & Scarlett O’Connor. If I recall correctly, this was the first song that Gunnar ever got Scarlett up onstage for and from the moment they gazed into each other’s eyes, we knew we were about to get a boatload of sexual tension via open mic night. Forever my favorite singing duo on this show, I could listen to these two have breathy harmonies until the end of time.

3. I Ain’t Leavin’ Without Your Love- Sam Palladio, Chaley Rose & Jonathan Jackson AKA Gunnar, Avery & Zoey. This was the short-lived group project of “ZAG” before everyone was like why is Zoey even here? She sucks. Then Scarlett was like joke’s over guys I’m done being retired from music and swiftly took ole Zoey’s spot in the band and sent her packing to Oklahoma or something. Anywho, this song was Zoey’s best contribution to the show.

4. A Life That’s Good- Lennon & Maisy AKA Maddie & Daphne Conrad. There is another version of this song that has the happy yet quite dysfunctional fam of Rayna, Deacon and the girls but I’m partial to anything with just the two girls…they deserve all the stage time they can get with their knockout voices.

5. Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet- Hayden Panettiere AKA Juliette. This is one of my favorite Nashville songs, not even because it’s supes catchy but also because it’s a big middle finger from Juliette. Jeff Fordham tries to make her publicly apologize at the Grand Ole Opry for saying God doesn’t exist and instead she slams down this song and it’s sassy and fabulous. Also she gets fired and blacklisted from all country music labels but that’s neither here nor there.

6. If I Drink This Beer- Will Chase AKA Luke Wheeler. Rayna gets involved with Wheels Up right quick after a disastrous Deacon fall-out and we all just wait for the other shoe to drop. Unfortunately they dragged it out for an entire season and she holds out until their wedding day to be like jk I’ve been in love with Deacs this whole time. Luke takes it really well—naht—he turns their wedding into a free concert and sings this sad song about getting drunk with a broken heart.

7. Borrow My Heart- Clare Bowen, Jonathan Jackson & Sam Palladio AKA Scarlett, Avery & Gunnar. This was performed as “SAG” because S booted the Z out and then once they realized they were a fire flames band, they decided to change their name to the Triple X’s. Much better. Probably not at all awkward that everyone on this show has banged each other and also sang about it.

8. Tell Me (Acoustic)- Audrey Peeples AKA Layla Grant. I’m a pretty avid Layla hater, mostly because she almost never sings then married a gay guy, then got together with the most hated character ever and thought he loved her but putting all fictional character judgments aside, she really crushes it on this one. No pageantry, just good vocals.

9. This Town- Claire Bowen & Charles Esten AKA Scarlett & Deacon Claybourne. Scarlett and Uncle Deac, always the perfect pair of introverts both hate the whole Hollywood aspect of being a musician and feel like they don’t belong so they wah-wah about it in this great piano tune.

10. Heart On Fire- Lennon & Maisy Stella AKA Maddie & Daphne. When these two cherubs are singing it makes it very easy to forget how insufferable Maddie actually is in her angsty teen years. I believe this number is from the episode when Jeff “the creep” Fordham strikes a blackmail deal with Teddy to get Maddie signed to his label so he could profit off of her melodies and box out little Daphne. This song should stand as proof that the dream team should never be separated.

11. What If I Was Willing- Chris Carmack AKA Will Lexington. This is a country HIT from ya closeted boy, Will. One of his first songs and a sure banger, things sort of went downhill for him, probably a side effect of hiding your sexuality on a reality show with your wife, but fingers crossed now that he’s out and dating a songwriter the hits will start flowing again.

12. Have A Little Faith- Maisy Stella & Will Chase AKA Daphne & Luke. This one is included because it tugged at my heartstrings. Ever the dramatic Maddie leaves a benefit the two of them are supposed to perform at to be with HER REAL DAD, DEACON. Little Daphz is like it’s cool I’ll just hang out by myself while you two kick it with your real family and Teddy does something genuinely nice and asks Luke to bring Daphne up onstage for this adorbz duet. Also she’s like 11…that voice…damn gurl.

13. Fade Into You- Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Scarlett & Gunnar. It seemed fitting to end with another golden duet hit. We’re about to be four seasons in and these two are still not quite done with fading into each other (if ya know what I mean) so this song will forever be relevant.

Television

TV DILFS

I’m extending Father’s Day celebrations by a day so that we can properly commemorate the hottest dads that have graced our TVs. These fictional dads have made raising kids (woof) sexy and cool AF. Feast your eyes upon the top TV DILFS.

10. Deacon Claybourne- Nashville

Although it came as a casual surprise to Deacon about 14 years after the fact that he was a dad, he has taken the job in stride (after the initial almost killing Rayna incident, oopsie.) His boozin past makes him edgy and mysterious while his parenting technique is singing duets.

Best Dad Moment: Bursting in on Maddie’s afternoon delight with her boyfriend Colt and recruiting Juliette to have the sex talk with her because it gives him the uncomfies.

9. Rufus Humphrey- Gossip Girl

Rufus had some glory days with his 90’s band Lincoln Hawk that quickly turned into being a single dad to the poorest kids on the Upper East Side. He doesn’t let that stand in the way of snagging former lover/rich bitch Lily van der Woodsen.

Best Dad Moment: Encouraging Dan to boink Serena. Also putting up with little miss trainwreck Jenny, which deserves all the awards.

8. Phil Dunphy- Modern Family

Phil may be a little on the flamboyant side (see: his college cheerleading career) but his killer sense of humor and ability to memorize the dance moves to High School Musical are what makes him sexy.

Best Dad Moments: When he taught Alex about the powers of Jagermeister, shot Luke with a bebe gun and made his own shirt to move Haley into college.

7. Dr. Derek Shepard- Grey’s Anatomy

May he rest in peace, McDreamy had a way of piercing you with his blue eyes and then saving people’s lives, NBD but HBD. Though I can’t pinpoint a whole lot of fathering, he is eye candy and that’s all that matters. (Gone too soon.)

Best Dad Moment: Perching a tiara atop that head of lettuce and having tea with Zola.

6. Elliot Stabler- Law & Order SVU

Stabler investigates brutal rapes and murders from 9-5 but then goes home and is dad AF to his five(?) kids. He’s protective and brooding and one HOT STUFF law enforcer.

Best Dad Moment: Anytime he gets aggressive with someone he’s interrogating. Oh sorry, I got distracted…ummm probably when he burned his daughter Kathleen’s license so she’d stop getting DUI’s.

5. Christopher Hayden- Gilmore Girls

Technically Christopher was a shitty father for all of Rory’s childhood but have you seen him? Swoooon. He comes back into her life when he gets sneaky rich and then gets another shot at dad when he has little demon Gigi.

Best Dad Moment: When he gives Gigi whatever she wants to make her stop screaming like a devil child. Forever the bad boy dad.

4. Jim Halpert- The Office

Jim is probably the most romantic guy ever in TV history (bold statement, I stand by it) and also happens to have a killer sense of humor, as displayed in his life’s work to prank Dwight. Plus he has a great range of funny faces, which probably makes him a gr8 dad.

Best Dad Moment: Finally succumbing to Halloween and doing a family costume.

3. Jesse Katsopolis- Full House

Our third and final rockstar dad, Jesse can command a stage with the Rippers, has iconic luscious locks and is a bonafide lady killer. When he finds out he’s having twins he loses his shit but once they’re born and he can finally tell them apart without matching up their footprints, he becomes a phenomenal dad who refuses to cut their hair.

Best Dad Moment: Putting doo rags and leather jackets on his babies for a family portrait.

2. Nathan Scott- One Tree Hill

Nathan Scott went from being the star of the Tree Hill Ravens and all around dick to married with a baby all before he graduated high school. But that didn’t stop him from being the sexiest teen dad this side of the river court…seriously have you seen him shirtless? He kept at his all-star basketball career (with a timeout to be paralyzed real quick) but also made sure to teach Jamie how to use condoms in high school how to be a baller and carry on the Scott traditions.

Best Dad Moment: Wearing a cape to Jamie’s school and showing everyone that Scotts are ALWAYS popular.

1. Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

Coach Taylor is the top dog of TV dads. He brings his football teams to state, has a hot ass wife with fabulous hair and invented “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” I mean, come on. Coaching horny teenage boys all day has essentially made Eric want to lock Julie (we’re disregarding Gracie Belle because she was obviously adopted from trolls) up for life, which makes for some very sassy and hilarious parenting.

Best Dad Moment: Giving Julie the sex talk via a game of ping pong. (Please accept these ratchet screenshots in lieu of the clip, which was near impossible to find.)

Music, Television

CMT Music Awards Recap

Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.

(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)

Highs

-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.

-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.

-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.

-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.

-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)

-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here

-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…

-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.

-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.

-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.

-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…

-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.

-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.

Lows

-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.

-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.

-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.

-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.

-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?

-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)

-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.

-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?

Full Winners List

Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”

Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”

Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”

Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”

Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”

Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”

Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

First and foremost let’s all thank the network Gods for approving a season 4 of Nashville because otherwise how would we know if DEACON DIES?! Can you imagine if they left us with that predictable (literally I predicted it last week) cliffhanger ending and there wasn’t a season 4 to resolve it? I can’t even think about it… I just get too stressed.

As far as season finales go, this one was not stressful at all. In fact I would go so far as to say nothing actually happened…so we’re going to break it down in categories of things that I liked and things that I didn’t.

HIGHLIGHTS (Things I liked):

-Juliette completing her full transformation back to villain. This was real entertaining to watch. Girl’s completely over her intervention and doesn’t have time for the IT that ruined her life and her vagina. She stomps her finished album into Rayna with Bucky and Glen in tow and when they’re like heyyyy maybe slow your roll and tend to your fresh baby, she replies with “SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU, AND DEFINITELY SCREW YOU LADY!” No seriously, she called Rayna “lady”. I figured this was Juliette’s rock bottom until she went home and Avery tries to sugarcoat their bundle of joy and asks Juliette to sing to her so Juliette’s like fine give her to me betch, which casually turns into Mama Bear hurling a snow globe at her husband and baby’s bodies. NBD. Juliette’s like whoopsie lemme go grab a broom and Avery tells her to maybe GTFO. When she replaces the happy family snowglobe, Avery boohoos a lot and tells her that she’s sick and she needs to pick family or music and then he peaces out so that Juliette can glare into that crystal ball snowglobe, call up Luke and say Wheels up!

-Will sashays outta that closet which seems a little premature…oh wait never mind he’s been avoiding it for two full seasons at a standstill. SO IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. After hanging out with his dad who sees two men touch hands and declares that he’s lost his appetite (ironclad stomach), Will tries to convince his father and Luke that the pics just show a work retreat and he’s healed of the gay. He even asks boytoy to tell the press that bros caress each other shirtless on work trips all the time, duh. Until finally in front of the press Will says, “I called this press conference cause ya’ll got it wrong.” Har-Har. JK he follows that with I’m gay and I’m not ashamed. So here we are. Will loves his boyf and he’s gay and here to stay.

-Bev-D-O-Double G faces off with Rayna the only way they know how in Nashville…a sing-off. Just kidding, but Bev does move in on family harmonizing hour (every day between 4 and 5 duh.) and Maddie/Daphne are like omgeee we loveeee Aunt Bev as the Bevmonster throws Rayna a smirk and announces she’s staying in Nashville after the surgery. Rayna is forced to thank Bev profusely for what she’s doing and Bev is like yeah, whatever, turns out I’m the hero now (insert evil cackle).

-Teddy won’t give up Tandie’s name to the Feds, #LOYALTY, so he ends up going to the clink…but the real entertainment comes from his arrest going down on live TV and no one in his family even noticing because they care more about Deacon dying. Lawlz.

LOWLIGHTS (Things that were stupid):

-An actual scene from the Boyhood trailer (I never watched the movie..it looked boring, sue me.) coming to life in Deacon’s nightmares about dying with suuuuuper creepy music. Hey guys, I’m watching a soap opera about country music, not a horror movie, enough with the buried alive to creeptastic music.

-Juliette signing with Luke because she’s mad at everyone in her life, recruiting Fordham as her manager (because he hates kids too) and putting on a snooze worthy performance in a hideous skin tight joutfit. NOTHING compared to her previous rooftop banger. Also mended the rift between Fordham and Luke about Will being gay (why is this a thing…)

-Hot Doc invites Scarlett to move in with him and she immediately agrees and then immediately tells Gunnar.

-The return of Micah via Face Time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He’s all HEY MOM AND DAD CAN’T W8 FOR YOU TO VISIT. Gunnar wants to continue being illegitimate daddy to the little nuisance but told Kiley they shouldn’t kiss anymore.

-….Because Scarlett and Gunnar are still drawing out their inevitable porking and surprise to no one they write a lovely song togets and perform it at the hospital on the roof with the city lights all around them and their harmonizing leads to a smooch at the end. Yawn. The song (I Will Never Let You Know) is on par for their duets but I still hate them both.

–Jeff/Layla continue their power struggle when Fordham takes all technology away from Layla and also tells her she’s a heffer who should hit the treadmill. Layla smartens up a little and sneaks a voicemail from Rayna whose obviously worried about her being a casj prisoner of the Fordham jail and Layla gets curious so she sneaks onto The Google and somehow finds a picture of the EXACT moment Jeff gives passed out Layla side eye and sends the tweet from her phone. Weird how that very second was captured. Anyway, it inspires her to go Elin Nordegren on Jeffy’s car until he’s like I did it because I never want to lose you, slow dip, kiss, brainwashing to be continued next season. Yiikes. Does Layla have any redeeming qualities with her relationship choices? Don’t answer that.

THE “CLIFFHANGER”:

All of Deacon’s creepy dreams catch up to him before surgery and he’s like hey Ray Ray let’s do a quick shotgun right here in my hospital room pre-op. Rayna convinces him that he’s going to live and they’re going to grow old together (sweet), they say vows but don’t really get married (for the awww factor.) Deacon is put under to the same music from his dreams which like enough with that shit and he panics and in the final moments we see a monitor flat-lining and I pat myself on the back for my phenomenal prediction of how this episode will end. Hot doc comes out and says he has some bad news for Rayna. After hearing about how Deacon is DYING for a full season I almost want him to die so everyone will shut the hell up about it. But no…alas it will be Bev who bites it on the operating table (AFTER they snatch up that liver.) Why? Because if it’s one thing I know it’s that Nashville LOVES killing off the characters we already sorta don’t like. Teddy’s lying mistress Peggy eating a bullet, anyone? Lamar the swindling asshole having a heart attack? Pete the wife beater getting shot? Am I missing anyone? Anyway, the bitchy sister/terrible mom who didn’t even want to give up her liver to save her bro’s life in the first place seems like a hot candidate for the finale kill-off dontcha think? Until next season, folks. GUITAR RIFF.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Time Changes Things”

Well last week the storm had just begun, and if this week’s episode was supposed to be a shit storm it did not deliver. We had a few O-M-GEE moments and a whole lot of Deacon flashbacks but otherwise I would like to tell Nashville to amp it up right quick. Let’s talk shockers first then scuffle on about the stupid shit afterwards.

Kiley-the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom has made a triumphant return for that whiny ass kid of hers.Since she completely missed Gunnar’s you are NOT the father moment, she still thinks Micah is in Nashville. Gunnar’s all hey guess what you’re the worst person to ever live and I never want to see you again but then when he comes home several hours later she’s still hangin. Turns out Gunnar’s skeezy bro Jason actually raped Kiley at a party then comes baby in the baby carriage. BOOM. Plot twist. Due to this new and unfortunate news, Gunnar takes Kiley under his wing because he lives to cater to broken birds, Kiley sees this as a possible opening for a rekindling of their love, then she calls her son and he promptly hangs up on her. HA-HA betch. Future Plans:Kiley gets after Gunnar’s D. Possible fam reunion?

Deacon walks in on Maddie and Colt doin tha na$ty in their Catholic school uniforms like a couple of teenage freeeaks. Maddie immediately turns on the waterworks and says it’s not what it looks like (a porno) and Colt quickly narcs that Maddie didn’t even want to, so it’s not her fault. Jeez, Colt, do the waistband tuck and cut your losses instead of ratting out your fifteen year old girlfriend for not wanting to put out right away. Maddie gets a country star-to-aspiring country star S-E-X chat later from Juliette who tells her if/when she does let Colt penetrate her, she hopes it’s for the right reasons. Maddie’s all you’re going to be such a great mom, Julez and Juliette gets a blank stare on her face as she remembers that she has a kid and panics. After Deacon has shaken out all of the awksies, he tells Maddie he’s just glad he’s ALIVE to have this moment with her, but he’s still totes telling Rayna that her daughter was caught slooting it up. Over in boy world, Luke’s sex chat with Colt is more like son, we all make mistakes *claps Colt on the back*.Future plans: These two will have sex and judging by what a cocky lil SOB Colt is, it will be terrible.

Rayna sneaks on over to East Buhhole, America to pay a visit to Beverly and snatch up that healthy liver of hers.What we don’t get is a compliant, loving Beverly…what we get instead is a whole slew of flashbacks on a very Fonz-esque Deacon with a slicked back swoop hairstyle and a hideous joutfit getting his start in Nashville with Bev at his side. Not only did they cake makeup on Deacon to make him not look like he’s in his 40’s…they also brought back ugly hair Rayna and I had to shield my eyes from that atrocity of curls. Someone also called her Ray-Ray, so there’s that. Apparently there was a point to these flashbacks other than to show us how much more attractive these two are now that they’re famous and rich and that is to teach us how Beverly thought she was going to be bigger than Rayna James until Ray-Ray sashayed in and stole her bro. Unfortunately, instead of becoming the #1 country star, Bev became waitress by day, piano bar singer by night. She gives Rayna some real bitch eyes as she wails airport lounge music then basically tells Rayna she can go to hell for stealing her career. The shocker comes when Rayna finally remembers she’s dealing with a crazy person and hands Bev a check for a cool milli hoping it will change her mind. What a Bo$$ Ray Ray is, buying her lover’s liver. Future plans: With Bev’s heart of gold she’ll turn it down and do the transplant because Deacon is family. NAHHHTT. She’ll take that money and PEACE.

Our little prostitute tattletale calls Teddy to inform him that she’s still cruising around Nashville a free woman and to turn this show into a horror movie by saying “They’re coming for you, Teddy.” Ok, girl. Let’s T it down with the dramats. Teddy snaps up his passport faster than you can say political scandal and starts packing his bags. His final goodbye to his girls before he hauls ass outta Nashville? Expensive necklaces from Tiffany’s to show how much he loves them. What a heartfelt guy. Right before he’s headed out, the US Attorney shows up to tell Teddy that he’ll drop all investigation and charges in exchange for a favor. BUT WHAT IS THE FAVOR? Cliffhanger, we’ll find out next week. Future Plans:Gonna go ahead and assume more illegal stuff. Cause that’s how Teddy rolls now.

Now onto less shocking things…Scarlett and her doc lover whose expiration date is the end of this season if not sooner kiss a whole lot and it’s super forced and obnoxious. Also Scarlett and Gunnar have another sexual tension fight. Deacon tells Juliette that he’s dying…is he gonna run out of people to tell soon? This repeated scene each week is getting EXHAUSTING. Layla and Fordham fight a whole lot because Layla has turned into a fame slut and Fordham is beginning to realize he hitched his wagon to this monster.

And finally our days with Jade St. John the hair unicorn are over, boo-hoo. In her final moments she goes from pink AND black hair to full-on magenta within hours…this chick is so versatile. It’s gonna be hard to let her go. Luke is visiting her mansion in LA as she prepares to throw a party with an inconvenient amount of bubbles in the air. They make out and talk about their favorite rom coms in front of a green screen of a tasteful ocean background. At her party later where Nashville doesn’t beat around the bush directly taking jabs at how stupid LA is, Jade pretends her house is like Vegas and doesn’t allow social media posts. But how will we know what the cool people are doing? Luke sees that Jade is wearing a literal palm tree on her body and is disgusted so he breaks up with her cause he’s just a cowboy from Kentucky, ya’ll. Layla shows up accentuating her puffy bangs (not in a good way) then has a dance floor BOMO with a celeb she was fangirling over. Fordham’s on suicide watch and finally has had enough when he tweets out a picture of slob kebab Layla and tags Jade in it like a baby bitch scorned lover.

Finally: BAMF moment of the night goes to Ms. Juliette Barnes over the top divalicious comeback. She demands roof access and a helicopter and then puts on one hell of a show while looking like a smoke in her sparkly mini and serenading Nashville with a fresh number. She gets all high on the juice from doing an illegal concert and goes for a little steamy elevator hookup with Avery. They get home to penetrate and obviously the baby starts crying during foreplay. Womp wompppp. Hide the knives.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Storm Has Just Begun”

Apparently Xtina had a little time between being being self-appointed captain of the Boys Club on The Voice and moving her hands in the air as she wails onstage because she’s back for more this week and it looks like next week too. Oh, goody. This week she has black hair, which really compliments her black face. No seriously, who applied her self tanner, is that even legal to show on TV? She kicks it with Luke a lot and we find out that the reason for this is because she wants to make a country album and also she’d like for him to go Wheels Up all over her body. Luke says no thank you to the record deal but yes please to the wheels up. But not before Jade and Layla become BFF’s and team up against raging B Juliette.

Juliette returns from LA casj as can be and when Avery’s mom tries to hand her daughter over, Juliette does the Heisman on dat hoe and mutters some bullshit excuse about them looking comfy. She gets ready to leave again for her fundraiser where she’s hoping to make a comeback and pretend she didn’t push a baby out of her vag a mere weeks ago. At the fundraiser, Juliette goes on a rampage and starts feuding with Jade because Jade defends Layla. When the bidding starts for the live performance, Jade shells out $500K just to hear Layla sing. JK, she does it just to bitch slap Juliette with her money. Guess what? It works. Win, win for all of us is that they skip over Layla singing (because no one cares) and we just get to see a pop vs. country showdown just short of a hoedown. (That doesn’t make ANY sense but it rhymes. Nailed it.)

Notably missing from this big charade of a fundraiser is Rayna, Maddie, Deacon & Scarlett who are all in the hospital because Deacon is getting a new liver. The Rayna James Fam Squad was set to open the fundraiser singing This Time and although we saw a snippet of them rehearsing like the Partridge Family, happy as clams, they have to peace before the actual performance. (THANK GOD FOR MY EARS. THAT SONG SUCKS.) In their absence, Teddy and Luke bond over the I Hate Deacon (But Not Enough To Wish Death Upon Him) Fan Club and Teddy asks Luke if he’ll step in and duet with Daphne since she got the shaft like she always does because her sister is a melodramatic whiny teen with a big shadow. My all time favorite moment of the night (maybe this season? Bold statement) is when Daphne takes the stage with Luke and they sing Have A Little Faith In Me and she knocks it outta the park and is cute as shit. MORE DAPHNE, STAT!! I DEMAND it.

At the hospital, everything runs smooth as buttah, Deacon gets a fresh liver and then wakes up and him and Rayna write a duet about it with Maddie harmonizing as backup vocals. NAHT. Turns out Deacon is running a baby fever so they need to run tests AKA Deacon might lose the liver because we need to REAALLLYY drag this out. As Doc says “We’re going to sort this out as fast as we can.” Are ya, though, Doc? Are ya? Scarlett asks Dr. Hottie to just sweep it under the rug and snake that liver to Deacon no matter what. Hey guess what, with that, their relationship is now dead. Not that it was really going anywhere anyway. Then Doc’s all, hey everyone, it was just a sinus infection, lawls, take some Nyquil and let’s get you that liver! But then in true beating a dead horse fashion, Houston we have a problem…the liver was harvested and might have bits of cancer in it so DEACON IS STILL DYING (probably until the season finale.) Deacon, Maddie and Rayna all sob and pray to Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior that he makes it through. I think I speak for everyone when I say OH COMEEEEE ONNNNNNN.

Lots of tears this episode as Jade also gets all boo-hoo because Juliette told her she doesn’t belong in Nashville but don’t worry because Luke takes her to the Bluebird and random man onstage asks her up to sing and she’s like oh I don’t know, I’m terrified, OH OK. She sings a Luke song like the kiss-ass that she clearly is. At first she sounds like Britney in her Crossroads era getting up to do I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman (not a compliment) but with the help of her duet buddy it gets a lot better. Coincidentally Jade is wearing the same mini jean jacket that Xtina wore to the ACM’s on Sunday to perform with Rascal Flatts. Cause apparently pop star puts on a denim jacket made for a doll and BAM she’s country. Jade sashays that jean bolero back to her hotel room where the MOST AWKWARD kiss ensues between her and Luke. She confesses she used to kiss his poster from Y-14 magazine before bed every night until her sparkle lip gloss bled through the thin magazine paper and Luke is like let’s try it as humans instead and she says that’d be crazy great. CRAZY. GREAT. Girl go into hiding that’s so embarrassing you don’t even deserve to be smooched let alone boned.

Welp, that pretty much sums it up…what do we think will happen next week? Will Layla go on tour with Jade even though Jeff who acts like her dad but then tongues her FORBID her from going? Will Juliette continue to lie awake in bed plotting new ways to smother her newborn? Will Scarlett and Gunnar keep do-si-do-ing around the eventual bang sesh that will result from them dueting again? Will Daphne move in with Teddy because she doesn’t point out that she has two dads every second of her life like her obnoxious sister? Are Will and his boy toy going to keep shacking up for days in secret after Will barfed up all his feelings? MOST importantly, did I see a sneak peek of Colt giving Ms. Maddie the business? STAY TUNED.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: When Fordham sees Juliette at the fundraiser and says, “Been a while, when you gonna have that baby.” YES, bring back sassy Jeff, get rid of sulking scorned lover Jeff.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Nashville

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

Nashville- “Can’t Let Go”

Best of Nashville Playlist

TV DILFS

CMT Music Awards Recap

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

Nashville- “Time Changes Things”

Nashville- “The Storm Has Just Begun”