SAG Awards Red Carpet 2024

The SAG Awards being on a Saturday night has forever thrown me off, I remember days in my fresh from college years where I was pre-gaming to the awards. Obviously that is no longer an issue for me as I can’t remember the last time I unironically used the term pre-gaming or left my house after 10pm. But, pulling a red carpet out of my ass on a Saturday night is still a feat. On top of that, Netflix had to flex their live TV muscle and decide to show them this year making it confusing as to how I could even find them. Needless to say, I missed half the awards but it was too big of a heavy hitter to also miss the red carpet. (I figured the People’s Choice Awards were geared toward reality monsters and everyone looked like garbaggio anyway so I went ahead and skipped that one, you’re welcome.)

WORST

It’s Working Girl meets One Room School House and it is hideous.

I’m sorry, what? I could stare at this gloves/shrug combo deal forever and still be perplexed by it. Did she have to lay face first on a bed and put her hands and arms into those gloves and then pull the shelf bra over her chest? No that can’t be right because how did it get around the back? I may never figure this out but honestly I don’t want to because it’s disgusting.

I don’t love the color of this but even more so, I don’t love this weird glitter/brocade texture.

This is a Bitty Baby version of Kathryn’s duds above. What’s with the black shelf bra and sheer gloves?! Also, immediately no:

I literally get a headache just looking at it.

What a monstrosity. The poof around her neck is giving court jester while the 5 layers of cupcake tiers are giving my worst nightmare. And to top it all off we’ve got a blinding bronze linear pattern. Just goes to show that a best dressed at one red carpet can fall right down the well into a dumpster fire at the next.

This is jarring to say the least. Imagine being a grown adult with an underboob cutout in the shape of a Dorito? Cringe city.

American Girl Doll chic except it’s not chic at all it’s basically a picnic tablecloth with Kirsten braid bunz.

OoOoh a condom waterfall!

Lace halter is so 2000’s prom dress it hurts.

I’m actually feeling kind of torn about this. On the one hand, her makeup is stunning and I love the simple jewels. On the other hand, the top of this dress being a square with shoulder dangles and boxy throughout is super unflattering on her.

Ole toilet paper mummy head ass. Homegirl just looks like she got attacked by wolves on her way here. How are we calling this a dress? It’s just a bunch of shredded fabric glued together and if the person who designed this is rolling in it, I’m about to change careers. Charlee! Hand me my shears!

I hate to be the one to say it and I know I’ll rock the boat on the JAW cult following, but the man whose last name is White, does not actually look great in a white suit. It’s a little pervy to me and I can’t even explain why because it’s just a suit on a deliciously hot man. Maybe it’s the pointy black boots? I don’t know but so far this season we’ve seen him in all black and black pants with a white jacket and I was hunky dory with both of those but this is an ick.

I hate that opera gloves are making a red carpet comeback. Sure, I love to be dramatic as much as the next gal but we don’t need gloves up to our armpits with a full glam look. There’s a time and a place for the Pretty Woman gloves and green leather with a full detailed floral dress ain’t it, honey. (I actually like the dress because I’m a sucker for mint and for flowers but the gloves ruined it.)

I’m sorry, was the jester on several stylist mood boards for the SAGs?! HOLY DANGLES. This makes my eyes hurt and probably poked a lot of people as she scooted by.

DIE AWAY FROM ME BIG BELTS. No one, and I mean no one, should ever go back into their Big Belt Era. That being said (and I mean it, don’t let this stupid trend come back) I do like the top corset-esque cut to the dress.

Look, Bradley’s getting up there in age. He’s no longer the suave Hollywood babe so effortlessly. And that’s why I feel like I wanted more from him. He can’t just get by on his good looks anymore he’s gotta turn up the heat in the fashion department. I trust that he’ll read this note and come right for the Oscars.

STRAPLESS BOOBS.

I’ve got a Barbie heel to Margot Robbie’s neck this awards season and I won’t let up until she wows me. This is super vaginal. I saw it and was like oh she’s going for pussy chic. I KNOW she has an arsenal of original Barbie fits to pick from the cream of the crop and I’m sick of her not pulling out all the stops for red carpets. Sure, she kinda got snubbed for the Oscars. It’s whatever. All the more reason to be showing OUT on the carpet. Keeping my fingers crossed for an Oscars stunner.

GLEN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THAT POOP SUIT WHAT TF ARE YOU DOING?! YOU HAVE A TOP ROM COM AND YOU SHOW UP ON THE SILVER CARPET LOOKING LIKE A TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL AND NOT THE BABE SODA OF EVERY GIRL’S DREAMS?!

BEST

Simple and kinda 90’s alt chick but it works.

Oh hell yea this is a nice twist on the lady suit. Tuxedo style top with a sparkle skirt! I’m into this.

This guy is just happy to be here after that long hiatus and I like that he’s dressing to impress. He’s not pulling out the tired black tux, he’s spicing it up with a SAG-AFTRA blue (literally matches the background) and he looks great.

Not 100% in love with a mesh shirt but definitely swoon for a pastel blue.

I’m totally cool as a cuke about not having a flat tummy and continuing to consume all the cheese in the world until I see something like this and I’m like SHOULD I STARVE MYSELF/EXERCISE TO GET ABS?! The answer of course is I’d rather die, but I did think about it for a second. This midsection is TOIGHT. She looks fit as a fiddle and is even making me like peaches and cream in a gown.

The PERFECT hourglass dress.

Hey Girl, let me be your pastel Easter egg. Open me for a surprise. Whoa that took a weird turn, huh? That’s what happens when Ryan’s lookin like a spring snack getting me all hot and bothered.

An elegant Ice Princess.

The Disgusting Brothers can do whatever they want to me if they look like this. (I’m sorry I’m bringing an aggressive sexual energy to this red carpet, I literally can’t help it..look at Cousin Greg’s bedroom eyes.)

Put this in a museum because it’s a rare moment when I’ll say ok to these two. Billie’s back to black hair in a sassy pony and she’s got a school girl vibe and I’m digging it. It’s like classic Ralph Lauren. PLUS when her hair isn’t shades of neon, her eyes pop so much more! GO BILLIE GO!

I feel like Jen chopping her hair has contributed to a major glow-up. Not that she needed one. She’s been stunning for several decades in the spotlight but this sassy short hair is DOING IT ALL. She’s sunkissed (whether real or fake doesn’t matter), showing a little cleave and werkin a sparkle leg slit. Get down with your bad self, girliepop.

Normally not a cutout aficionado, but this seems like a tasteful side bewb sitch.

What a fun little glitzy hurricane number! Love the maroon and pattern.

Primary color Reese back at it again but damn it she looks fab.

Another fave look of the night, this dress is kinda scaley in a fun way! It’s like The Rainbow Fish but make it a little slinky number. Bookmarking this for my future wedding dress inspo. I’m gonna go into David’s Bridal and say just that.

This is me eating my words. Mermaid bottoms are toxic sludge EXCEPT when you ACTUALLY PLAYED THE LITTLE MERMAID. Loophole! I saw this and was like UGH KILL IT WITH FIRE. And then I remembered she was an actual mermaid and I immediately redacted it. She gets a pass. One time. Also great color.

Perfect LBD and really into the emerald necklace to give it a little pizazz.

I mean she’s the damn president of SAG AFTRA and basically led the strike and the negotiations for everyone to come back to making mid-TV and movies based on books. Let her rock a salsa girl emoji hot red number. She looks fabulous right down to the red nails. It makes my heart sing when a lady coordinates all of her details perfectly. 💃

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I truly cannot stop gazing at this dress. It looks like liquid has been poured over her body in all the right ways. The chic bob on top and a simple necklace that perfectly accents the color is weeeerrrrkkkin. Everything about this is smooth AF.

Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2024

Music’s biggest night and an unwanted and somewhat harsh reminder that I’m too old to know half of the nominees! Seriously, who were half of these bozos?! Gotta be honest if we’re grading red carpets so far this year, this one was a real stinker. Not only was it 80% nobodies, but the somebodies dressed like street rats. In fact, I’m so disappointed I’m not even crowning a best look of the night. That’s right, when the children don’t behave, I take things away. Y’all are in time out.

WORST

Take that wave and beat it, nerd.

Well folks we’ve officially entered porny fashion when your nipples have to be blurred for People.com. Why are areolas an accessory? Lock that shit up, Doja. I don’t want to see that or really anything else that’s on display with this sheer dress. Honestly surprised she didn’t go full Kitty out.

Yaaaaa I get it, this is Billie’s thing. She dresses in baggie jammies like a teen going through a phase and whatever at this point that’s not what’s bothering me. She’s rocking a Barbie letterman jacket and that has cache these days. What grinds my Barbie gears is that if you’re going to go with brightly colored hair, WHY NOT DO PINK?! I mean come on, it’s such an obvious layup and I would be like YAS BARBIE KWEEN! Instead I want to barf.

Speaking of barfing, you know I’m about to rip a look apart when multiple people text me about it. Miley is known for seeking attention at awards shows as I think we all remember the nude latex bikini and foam finger duo as much as we’d like to forget. It’s no coincidence that as I’m writing this caption, she marched that behemoth of a teased mullet onto the stage to perform, further fueling my hatefire. I think I speak for everyone when I say what the actual fuck. What about her song Flowers deems an era of Princess Leia chains and an 80’s hairspray Joe Dirt mullet. She changed for the show probably because she didn’t want to sit on the equivalent of a chain link fence rubbing all up on her bits for 8 hours. She also switched to a less revealing but equally as loud silver showgirl number for her performance where her hair was once again a main character. You did it girlfriend, you got the attention, and possibly a metal rash. Enjoy sorting through that rat’s nest tomorrow.

No words, just this:

You can’t really tell because of how she’s posing but this dress has hip slits and no ma’am I don’t want it.

Our “did they finish making this dress?” look of the night. And to think this yarn and tulle explosion was done *on purpose.* And you know what’ll complete the look? Braids and a giant hat of course.

It’s the pointy shoes for me, bruh.

This was the part of the red carpet where I truly wondered if I should be watching these awards shows anymore. I know who Phoebe Bridgers is on her own, I didn’t know that she somehow was in a group called BoyGenius and these lil white shortpant suits are atrocious. I’m glad People used the picture where they’re mostly smiling because as they posed they looked like hostages in formalwear and it was v unsettling.

Welp this is pirate cosplay.

BOO. HISS. COME AT ME, SWIFTIES! This look stinks on toast and anyone who’s too wrapped up in their Taylor obsession to admit this cannot be trusted. This is a bedsheet. There’s nothing special about it other than the fact that it clearly showcases how her spray tan stops at her ankles. Yoikes, girl. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before (possibly just to my family but perhaps on this platform) Swifties are awaiting the Reputation re-record. So everytime Taylor has been seen in public in the past few months, these psychos have been foaming at the mouth for Reputation clues. Well this seems to be the most promising as her black gloves and choker with a clock set to midnight leads to the assumption that we’ll find out soon if it’s coming out. I for one hope we get the announcement so I can stop reading REPUTATION IS COMING because she dared to have curly hair at a football game. And once again, timing is everything, as I write this she announces her brand new album (not re-record) coming out in April so blow my brains out we’ll hear about Reputation for the rest of our damn lives because this chick will literally not stop releasing 25 fresh songs every quarter.

She may have found herself on the worst dressed list but at least she looked better than her most hated ex-boyfriend who looks like a 70’s hotel carpet. WHAT A LOSER. A LOSER WITH A SKINNY WIENER.

THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.

Oh ok, sure babe, just cut a hole in a dinner napkin and toss it over your head to cover your rack.

NOOOOOO not the cleavage tie. Don’t bring THAT back. This is trashy as hell and you can’t change my mind by bangling to your armpits and double hooping it, Lizzo.

I don’t care that this makes me sound like a senior citizen but what do kids these days see in a rapper who looks like orphan Annie? It’s alarming at best.

Former Sexiest Man Alive has really fallen hard off that post by doing a man cleave deep v silky tie shirt. It’s giving me all the icks.

Zach Bryan and Noah Kahan blew up into a different stratosphere this year. They kind of have similar music and also don’t really? That’s the best way I can describe men with good voices and strong lyrics who may or may not be the same genre. But I feel like they’re often mentioned in the same breath. So why not match for the Grammys? Like come on dudes, be original. Make a splash. I’m so tired of every guy looking identical.

Lana has a whole schtick and I’m sorry bout it but I hate it. I don’t think grown-ups wearing tea time dresses with puffy shoulders, hard bangz and bows coming out the ass is cute, I think it’s weird.

BEST

This outfit is so stupid that I respect the hell out of it. if you roll up to the Grammys as a nobody, you HAVE to do a bit. What do you have to lose? She will forever (until I forget next week) be known as fur sombrero.

Do I love this? No. But Chrissy’s got a set of hot legs and I dig the rose shape to make it floral fun.

This style dress is definitely having a moment as I’ve already peeped it a couple times this season. I like a little optical illusion even though overall this is kinda a snoozer. Yeah that’s right, I’m so annoyed with this red carpet that even my “best dressed” are getting a little sass too. WOW ME, PEOPLE. I’m not one of those E Red Carpet correspondents who falls all over themselves to say each person they speak to is stunning, flawless, and amazing. If they’re all stunning, flawless & amazing then NO ONE IS.

ONLY Lenny Kravitz can wear a mesh shirt with leather sleeves. No one else. (Also that bod…sup?)

Stunning, Flawless, Amazing.

This is a flattering gown but can I ask what the rules are for trends? Because some of these trends that are having a hard comeback like chokers for example, were spicy in 2016. And that seems too soon? Like who decides the rebound period on what’s hot in the streets. I’m mostly pissed because I got rid of my chokers last year. I figured by the time they came back around I’d be too old for them and NOW HERE WE ARE. The over the knee boots, dark lips and chokers were my MF’in JAM in 2016 and 2017 and who could’ve predicted that they’d only take a 6 year hiatus?!

Ed looks trendy kewl in this camo-ish set but why is Aaron Dessner dressed up as a burglar?

This is classy cool and how you rock a power hat.

Could do without the OJ Simpson gloves but love the detailing giving a black suit some pizazz.

God Billy Joel is so cool it hurts. The iconic wayfarers, dropping a new song when he literally never has to release music again because he plays nothin but the hits at the Garden every month to a soldout crowd. Of course, that’ll be ending soon, and I’m definitely not feeling any sorts of bitter about it as someone who couldn’t afford nosebleeds for $300 a piece and lamely keeps checking hoping somehow I’ll find a deal. COME ON PIANO MAN, HOOK A GIRL UP! (I was supposed to see him in December of 2022 and he just had to go and cancel 3 days before. SO CLOSE YET SO FAR.)

Sofia is the moment for fashion. Everything she does is so chic, so much so that her first post-pregnancy announcement outfit provoked me to immediately message my sister and ask her if I need to start one-strapping my overalls now even though I’m not with child but look like I potentially could be.

That’s hot.

OK GAYLE. She’s WERKIN this sparkle jam.

Can’t shout out Gayle without her #1 homegirl O! Oprah is aging backwards. She’s skinny again, she’s rocking a party pony, she’s still running the shouting announcer-voice style into the mic bit into the ground. It continues to be Oprah’s world and we’re all just living in it.

Definitely had higher expectations for Kelsea because she’s been crushing this year but I do enjoy the purple flowers even though the top half of the dress looks like she got mauled by a bear.

Christina went onstage early to present and I was like HOT DAMN she looks amazing and immediately scrambled to find her red carpet piccie. She’s killin it in baby blue!

Including this photo was 1000% for my own entertainment. This is Bonnie McKee. She sang the sleeper 2004 hit “Somebody” which you may remember from the absolute fire flames rom com classic “Win A Date with Tad Hamilton,” which I still quote regularly. I was #blessed to see Bonnie open up for Ryan Cabrera soon after in my first parents-free concert and color me shocked to see her fiery red hair on the carpet that matches the drapes. BONNIE?! WHATCHU DOIN AT THE GRAMMYS, GORL?! Proud of you.

BUSTA with the floral patterned jacket!

Despite the jarring lip/chin dangle, Fantasia looks bomb.com here and I certainly cannot say the same for her Tina Turner inspired performance where she had an actual tail dangling from her downstairs and a rattail floating from her upstairs. Lotta tail and it really made me wonder if no one wanted to dance it out with her in the audience because of that.

I’ll allow it because it’s glittery.

Haven’t seen Ellie in a minute and I’m into this witchy Raven of darkness mood.

Kelly looks like a babe soda and this gown really accentuates her new figure which I can’t help but notice turned up REAL QUICK and I wonder if she’s drinking the Ozempic Kool Aid?! I hope not. YOU’RE BETTER THAN A DIABETES DRUG THAT BRAVOLEBRITIES ABUSE. Jus sayin. If you lost weight the old fashioned way (by starving yourself and doing 3 workouts a day) then I redact and you keep up the good work, girl!

The Holy Trinity. Can I just say that as soon as I glimpsed Blue as a grown ass woman in a gown, I was like oh wow I’m 900 years old. When did she become an adult?! She looked very elegant, especially next to her mom wearing a white 10 gallon hat lookin like a damn fool. You may be thinking, is she really going to take shots and Tay AND Bey?! And you bet your bottom dollar I am because if you wear something stupid, I’M GONNA TELL YA! YEEHAW. In all seriousness, I do like Beyonce’s outfit just absotootley didn’t need a comically large cowboy hat to top it off. PS Jay-Z’s speech was my favorite of the night. Admitted he was nervous as hell but landed the plane with some inspirational thoughts at the end. HOV!

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2024

WELCOME BACK! Did everyone have a lovely week?! As your top awards season fashion commentator, I spent the week popping off color coordinated lewks that belong in a museum but were only viewed by my dog and perhaps a few Ring cams that captured me dropping fast food on their stoop whilst Door Dashing. Since I stunted my Barbie track suit on y’all last week, it only makes sense to continue to show you what makes me qualified to barf all over A-list celebrity red carpetwear.

I mean come ONNN, the alternating fur and maroon?! Chef’s Kiss MWAH. My dog truly doesn’t understand what a top fashion runway model her mom is.

WORST

Ok that is ENOUGH. We are two for two with a well endowed woman wearing a strapless gown during awards season and I am NOT HERE FOR IT. Strap those yabbos in tighter or I’m gonna start handing out citations from the Titty Police.

I’ve never seen a more boring look ever. Middle part, pin straight hair, high neck sleeveless black dress. YAWN. You couldn’t do ONE thing to jazz this up?! Earrings? A purse? I honestly would’ve welcomed a set of XL cans struggling to stay in a strapless top *just this once.* ANYTHING!

And the pendulum swings back in the other direction because Christina was like I’ll give you some razzle dazzle and I hate this. I hate the deep V but even more so, I hate the tacky green bedazzled chonky necklace.

I understand he was trying to be trendy but what fresh hell is this?! Plopping a button under your shoulder just makes it look like your jacket is putting a CLINIC on trying to stay closed over your WIDE midsection. No sudden movements, my dude, or that thing’ll go soaring!

Too much mixed media here for me to get on board. Florals, bright colors, sparkles, AND black mesh? Gotta pick a lane.

Get this out of my face immeds. It’s giving needle pinning a post-it note over her hooters. I couldn’t scroll Twitter last night without seeing this image from multiple sources:

pic.twitter.com/I2TLQFkgHK
— Vulture (@vulture) January 16, 2024

To the point where I had to fact check if she was indeed wearing Berger’s break-up post-it on her dress. She was not, folks, but if you have to seriously wonder that, I think we can all agree this dress is trash, much like Jack Berger was. (The real SATC fans know.)

Imagine wearing a dress that makes everyone immediately think “does she not own a steamer?” Honestly even hanging it near the shower would’ve helped. Why is wrinkled a fashion choice. It’s bottom of the laundry basket, I think I can get one more wear out of this…not awards show formalwear.

Sometimes the champ one week becomes bottom of the barrel the next and that my friends is the CIIIIIIIIRCLE of LIFE! Hate this corset clasp-heavy top and feel like she’s about to board a pirate ship in this getup.

I would be down with this angelic lady tux if it had ANY OTHER bottom other than the stuuuuuuupid mermaid monstrosity.

Guy who played Nate can pander all he wants with a football jersey, but I’m still never going to forgive him for shitting all over that sweet, sweet Ted Lasso. (Spoiler alert: he came back around and apologized but I don’t accept.)

He looks so uncomfortable and it’s making me uncomfortable. Imagine the SOUNDS this outfit makes every time he moves a limb. Fart city, population: this leather suit.

WowWOWwowWow. It’s still too soon for me to see her and not become untethered with rage. Kewl woven basket chairs over your nips, NAHT.

The top of this dress is giving birth to the bottom of this dress. I can’t unsee it and now you must all suffer with me.

Blow it out your peplum blowhole.

It shouldn’t come as a shock because Alex treats awards shows like her own personal zany dress-up sesh but barf all over me with this sexy lil tamale of a circus ringleader lookin bullshit.

Oh HELLOOOOOOOOOO.

MOOve over, this jacket is udderly repulsive.

Oh we just going shirts off now? Shirts optional at a formal awards ceremony! Pop them TOPs!

Cool cool cool cool.

Bleh. A matron of honor dress.

I was immediately irked by this look and I couldn’t put my finger on why until it hit me. It’s loud. It’s shiny and tacky and just too loud. Katherine is trying to show everyone this year that she’s not the difficult bitch she was painted to be after she left Grey’s and this look…isn’t convincing me.

OoOoh pregnancy is beautiful and women are amazing and the way our bodies change and our skin glow and BLAH BLAH BLAH save it, sister. I DO NOT NEED TO SEE YOUR ENTIRE BABY UNLESS I AM YOUR GYNECOLOGIST. Sukz is doing ENTIRELY too much with this look and I’m NOT A FAN. The cooch bow, REALLY?! On top it’s like she put an apron on during some frisky role playing and then attached a table skirt to it via vadge bow. Congrats on the sex and everything but keep the full belly and birth canal side peeps for your baby daddy.

BEST

The forehead curls. SWOON. What a goshdarn whole snack.

I waffled back and forth on this one and eventually was won over probably because I have a soft spot for Free Willy. For reals though, the optical illusion of the circle skirt is pretty eye catching.

Mmmk Tony with the oat milk blazer!!!

Kaitlin’s dress is a stunner. She’s clearly SAP (skinny as possible) but the lined corset accentuates it even more in a classy hawt way. Rob’s whatever. It’s all about his lady.

#GenderEquality, now I’m going to say Emily’s whatever, LOOK AT KUMAIL in that steel grey suit!

Cute lil bob on Amy and an if it ain’t broke don’t fix it glitzy Miss America number.

I LOVE that an old guy like Brian is rolling through with something fresh like this. Could’ve gone classic black tux but he was like OH FUCK OFF I’M GOING DUSTY GREY WITH A POCKET SQUARE AND A BROOCH.

Trent Krimm, Independent lookin snatched as hell in a rainbow tweed-ish looking suit. The untied bow tie is a cherry on top. Total cool guy move.

I support anyone looking to have their Carrie Bradshaw tutu moment.

I did a literal double take to make sure we weren’t looking at the goodies on full-frontal display and because of this neckline literally tricking my eyes, I’m tipping my cap to it.

LOVE this silhouette for her bod, could probably take or leave the retro ice pack material. No seriously, did your mom ever fill up one of these bad boys with some cubes from the freezer? It had a certain smell to it and looking at this dress, I feel like I can smell it. But even thought I definitely ruined that for you…still supes cute!

A moment of silence for girlies who start dating a guy and then completely change their entire sense of style to match his. There has never been a more drastic example of this than when Kourtney and Travis started dating and she went full punk rocker chic. Taking it to an extreme here by just full-on having a twinsie moment. Can’t wait til she shaves her head and covers it in tatters.

I saw lots of reds and maroons and blacks, but not a lot of jewel tones and I’m loving this shade on her.

A fuzzy duckling that stands out among the rest. I wanna see this frock in action. Take it for a spin on the dance floor, let those feathers fly!

A stunning rose. No notes.

I appreciate the remaining Presley’s showing out as a unified front even if they are dressed as cryptkeepers. Digging the funky pattern and gauzey look of Riley’s skirt.

What a fun sparkle-tini! One of my fave looks of the night and perfectly coordinated with the silver carpet and as you can see from my maroon ‘fit…I get a real boner for color coordz.

Again, just me getting excited for someone switching things up! A neon splash looks great with her complexion and another dress that I want to see on the move. Wish we got twirl gifs in addition to still shots.

Jennifer’s pretty top-heavy and look how nicely she styled these bazookas! There’s a way to not dump your knockers right on the red carpet and I applaud that. She also may be the only one to pull off the pieces of hair in the front that I normally hate so much. She can pretty much do no wrong.

Dapper looking host in a floral suit.

This dress is huuuugggin her curves, yo.

Another top look, Selena’s been bringing it this awards season so far. I’m mostly just a sucker for the dark lip, a trend that I wholeheartedly embraced back in 2016 when reputation-era Taylor Swift made baddies with a deep plum pout on trend. I tried to revive it in 2019 and my niece who was 2 at the time immediately put me in my place and pointed at my face asking what was wrong. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T GET FASHION. Might go for round 3 now that Selena’s rockin it so hard. I’ll report back on if my dog approves.

A seafoam feather train as I LIVE AND BREATHE!

A classic siren ball gown.

A close second for best look of the night, head to toe perfection. This dress is cool AF and adds an air of whimsy to her Wednesday Addams mean muggin face.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Ellen Pompeo’s been out of the game for a minute. She basically bought out Grey’s Anatomy and moonwalked out of Hollywood, so this is the first time I’ve seen her on a red carpet for a bit and I’m very into this little ascot party that’s happening. I’d be down to try the sparkle sheer top with a high-waisted skirt to cover up my belly full of Christmas cookies. Maybe when my self-imposed shopping ban is lifted, I’ll dabble with this AND the dark lip TOGETHA. You know, for all the high profile events I get invited to. On second thought, I’ll probably keep kickin it in matching sweatsuits sans makeup.

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2024

There’s no post-Christmas blues here! My very real Christmas tree is still atwinklin (smelling pine fresh and not dropping needles at all so definitely super worth it, MOM AND DAD) and it is *oprah voice* AWAAAARRRRDDDSSS SEASON! Due to the strike, Emmy’s have been pushed to this month and we’re going to get a wham, bam, three in a row to start and I’m foaming at the mouth for reasons to shout my fashion opinions into the void. As always, I like to include my credentials as top bitch Fashion Police. Look no further than the Barbie sweatsuit I acquired recently that makes me look like the offspring of Tony Soprano and Barbie herself. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic, FUGGETABOUTIT.

WORST

I can’t quite tell what the material is that created these weird skeleton lines but it’s creepy and weird. Update: it just photographs horribly, on TV it looked shiny Gold. But the deed is done so sorry bout it.

Is O wearing cRuShEd VELVET?! Barf all over me.

WHOA this is unflattering. The black and white orca combo deal falling right at her hips and then adding on a full skirt?! Makes her look like a real wide load and I know she probably isn’t .

The hardest of hard no’s to this Catholic school girl, Fat Albert style.

One word: Peplum.

This woman won and as she was walking up to the stage and accepting her award using dramatic arm gestures, I figured it was only a matter of time until one of those big ole titties dumped right out on camera. WHAT A GAMBLE. You don’t have a set of knockers like that and then not strap them up for your safety and honestly everyone else’s as well. I will never understand top-heavy women going strapless.

This is such a damn snoozefest. Sure she looks beautiful, I can’t imagine a scenario where she wouldn’t but COME ON with this shapeless black frock and basic blowout. Also she’s up for No Hard Feelings? Are we for serious? That movie was horrific.

This rubbed me the wrong way and I’m not even really sure why. Sure, I don’t owe anyone an explanation because I wear the high fashion Barbie tracksuit and therefore I make the rules and youse don’t. But I will say I think it’s the butt bow/train situation.

Honesty is the best policy and seeing Natasha on this red carpet sent a COLD shiver down my spine because I endured what seemed like 6 whole months (really probably 6 weeks) of Old Navy commercials where they gave her the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap special and her and another version of her both decked out in Old Navy duds screamed WOW over and over again until I wanted to literally rip my ears out of my skull and throw them into the ocean. So not only is this horned fringe frock a total monstrosity but if 30 years passed before I saw her again it would still be too soon.

I had the HIGHEST of expectations for Margot. She killed as Barbie. A stunning queen that is so flawless it didn’t for a second cross my mind that she wasn’t the actual idealized Barbie come to life. Each look in the movie was iconic and everyone in America agreed as she literally took over Halloween. My 6 year old niece wore her gingham number to trick or treat and I was legitimately jealous of her. But a glitter v-neck and a loofah as an accent? No ma’am, this ain’t it. She could’ve gone WILD, she could’ve been SO extra and over the top and everyone would’ve been like yes absolutely she’s just a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. And she went with this. What a disappointment. Even my sweat set blows this outta the water. (Y’all were thinkin it, I’m just sayin.)

Welp, at least Barbie and Ken go down together. This suit with a white outline is dumb and so are Ryan’s piecey bangs. YOU’RE RYAN GOSLING. You’re so stinking hot that people made memes of you for YEARS that just said Hey Girl and you can’t show up in your all-time best after you just depicted the fantasy boy toy?! Not to beat a dead horse but play into the Ken bit and show up in a ridiculously campy outfit. When else can you do that?! UGH guys, I mean do you need me to dress you too?! PS I realize this is the first awards show of the season and hopefully me coming down with the hammer now will result in amahzing Oscars getups for both Ken & Barbie.

This is fine but hits on one of my greatest style pet peeves of doing slicked back wet hair like you just hopped out of the shower. Ick city, population: me.

Say it with me now, POOOP SUIIITTTTTT. 💩

Love this lavender but if only she had lost this God-awful jacket. Or even ditched the puff sleeves on it because NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE PUFFY. Between flares coming back, we don’t need bell bottoms AND bell sleeves in our culture again. It’s too damn much.

I wanted so much more from him. This is dad at a wedding kind of lame.

This chick is just wearing pink saran wrap and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Lotta boob for me. I would’ve been cool with this if there was just a scooooch more coverage.

In the words of the late great Logan Roy, “Oh, fuck off.”

We get it, you have perky breasts. Congrats, booboo.

GIANT BOW DOES NOT A FASHION MOMENT MAKE.

BEST

I could honestly be swayed either way on this. At first I was like nah to the black gloves and put it on the worst dressed but now I’m re-examining and I think I’m kinda down with this 1950’s sexy vibe. Plus she went onstage to present right at the same time and I saw the open back with a cute tiny bow and that really sealed the deal.

I never knew I needed to see Emma Stone with a Sweet Home Alabama era Reese hair flip until right this second. How stinkin adorable. The sparkles on this gown have managed to make the embroidered flowers less granny and more chic. Top to bottom win.

Ok with these lil bobsie sleek hairstyles! Back to back and I’m here for it. Beautiful, shimmery and flattering gown for America, love the square neckline.

And this is a fabulous example of how to make a tulle bottom skirt work! Fantasia’s stylist should take notes.

My homegirl who often texts me just never misses on a red carpet. Old Hollywood soft curls and a baby pink princess gown. Chef’s kiss. Also I may have ranted and raved about bell sleeves but let’s make full flower bouquet sleeves happen.

Stunning sequin work. Looks like it belongs in a museum.

I’m not really a fan of the color green, especially a shade as boogery as this one, but Taylor is nothing if not calculated in each color that she wears in public. So if I know my Swifties, we’ll have a theory by the time the clock strikes twelve. All I took away from this is that her rack looks phenomenal.

A big proponent of male cleavage, we’ve gotta give credit to the trailblazer and godfather of splashy looks, Lenny.

I’m obsessed with a matching set and I’m obsessed with glitz so of course I’m gonna get down with a sequin lady-suit.

Thanks to Calvin Klein we all are picturing what’s underneath here, amirite?! WINK.

Credit where credit’s due, sparkle jacket. Also that necklace is like one step away from being puka shells and that’s a line I’m not willing to let anyone straddle. Get your shit together, Tim.

I want this dress.

His luscious locks are still the envy of most women and he even manages to pull off leather gloves without looking like a total serial killer.

Kate threw me for a loop here! I’d expect to see Lady Gaga wearing this onstage and I’m pleasantly surprised to see it on a red carpet. Those platforms alone are a risk, mostly for a body cast if she takes a tumble but also fashionwise.

Perf fash choice for the cool girl 70’s musician role that she played.

A stellar red moment and another bob! Bobs are back, BB. Should I get one? LMK.

I can’t tell if she’s wearing bedazzled glasses or if it’s just the reflection of the camera flashes but I like them. As someone who used to wear fake glasses all the time as a kid because I thought they were cute, I love when someone rocks a pair of frames. The dress is kinda hotel bedsheet supreme so let’s just focus on the specs.

Timeless! (Guys, my best dressed list is HEAVY for this one and you KNOW how hard it is to think of something original to say for each and every outfit so please accept that I’ve crushed it thus far and I’m starting to fade.)

Honestly a little conflicted here because it’s John Krasinski and it would hurt my soul to put both John AND the Gos on the worst dressed but also anyone who wears a suit jacket of this color looks just like a waiter/bellhop/valet. The goal should be to not look like someone in the service industry when you’re a rich person dressing for an exclusive invite-only awards show. But we’ll let it slide, just this time.

Kristen has been getting edgier and edgier in her fashion choices and usually I puke in my hands at the sight of them but this one works! Props to this dark sexy angel lewk.

This works. That’s all I’ve got.

OH OK HANNAH, I SEE YOU. She knows how to WeRk that hourglass figure and I love the contrast of this little Morticia numba against the purest of beige flower walls.

Almost blends right into the background. Sure I mock bows a lot but this one seems to be an appropriate size for the dress. Honestly it’s size and placement that get my knickers in a twist when it comes to bows. Don’t put it on the butt and don’t have it be comically large in a weird spot and I won’t roast the smithereens out of it.

Initially I was like KEVIN COSTNER IS BACK, YO! Those shades? Ultimate cool guy move. But then…he did one of the cringiest bits with America Ferrera while presenting and my sister and I exchanged a flurry of texts wondering if he was indeed ok. His voice was scratchy, he seemed real out of it and even the photo he posted was awkward. So someone pls do a wellness check on Kev.

You know my rule! I cut all of the snoozertons who wear the same black tux because they don’t deserve my fashion honors. It’s the risktakers I want to see like this bloke. His lapel is perfectly coordinated with the wall behind him.

Would’ve thought I’d hate this uneven hem but it’s doing exactly what it should be doing. A quick trick of the eye making her legs look hot hot hot. Great color too.

Is Elizabeth attending her own wedding?! Obsessed with the corset bodice and lace.

This is the closest Jen has gotten to “The Rachel” in years and how fun!! She looks sassy and youthful. She keeps it basic for her dresses usually but always looks like a 10 so no need to jazz that up.

She’s the Queen for a reason, people.

I genuinely forget that these two are married in real life and then a red carpet rolls around and I’m like oh ya. Look a lil stiff but this car wash frock is keeping things spicy!

Ya I know I dumped on her costar who was basically wearing the same thing but her version is just clicking better for me. Could be the skinny arm runway attitude.

It’s giving Amalfi Coast in the best kind of way. What a breezy leisure suit.

s/o this guy for giving me something different to look at. BUTTONS!

Chessie going for real life Jessica Rabbit in the best kind of way.

See John Krasinski’s caption for my thoughts on this shade of suit, but I’ll give it to him for the pattern switch-up. No, I did not get bullied into watching Saltburn like the rest of the internet did and surprisingly I have no FOMO.

GORGE. No notes.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

HOLY BOMBSHELL! Not in the original roundup that I scrolled through before drafting this blog, when the camera panned to her for her nomination I literally gasped. WHAT A MOMENT. The coordinated red, the buttons, the leg, the cleavage. ALL OF IT HELL YES. And an additional moment of silence for that ribboned ponytail. Suffice to say, Midge would approve. Would’ve killed to see her attempt to get up onstage in this but unfortunately she didn’t take home a Globe.

That’s it for me for this round, see ya next weekend. Goombah Barbie, OUT. ✌️

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2023

I find myself once again cable-less. At this point, y’all should have bets or a drinking game associated with if I have cable at the moment or not. I don’t get why cable doesn’t just sponsor this blog, we’re 9 years in and TV has been my life for all 9 of those years (and more). Throw a girl a bone, I CAN’T AFFORD STREAMING AND CABLE IN THIS SINGLE INCOME HOUSEHOLD. So anyway, here I am peering through the window of a nice family sitting down for dinner while I sit out in the cold, hungry. AKA trolling People.com for red carpet photos of an awards show I’ll never see. A slave to the fashion, if you will.

WORST

A lot of ladies went with a bold red matching the carpet to the drapes and honestly didn’t love it overall. This also is a personal bias of mine (how dare I let those slip into my blog that almost no one reads) but no gown will ever make a giant winged chest tattoo elegant, try as she might by covering it up with that criss cross style. SARRY BOUT IT.

My homegirl Mickey is one of the bigger names to show up to this shindig and this dress looks like a cheap Forever 21 number. Ya gotta be better than a bedazzled club dress in an Easter pastel yellow.

When I tell you I GASPED at Nicole. Even though this is what I imagine my body would look like if I were to ever quit cheese fries and chicken tenders cold turkey, is she ok? I’m starting to get a little worried about AMC movie theatres’ number one fan. Not as worried as I am about Keith still wearing lifts in a chunky 90’s loafer so he can reach Nicole’s lips for a smooch.

I hate to do this because I like the Stapleton’s but this is such an iconic Taylor Swift look that people literally went batshit for recreating…I mean I just saw this dress on FB marketplace advertised as “the perfect Taylor Swift costume” and it feels wrong to copy it so boldly on another red carpet. I’m sure Morgane is a Swiftie just like the rest of America and wanted to pay her homage, but it feels like cheating to approve. Plus it’s kinda a cheap knock-off too I mean LOOK at the flower variety below circa the Grammys and tell me you still like the pre-school arts and crafts version above.

WHEN WILL STYLISTS DO AWAY WITH GIANT BUTT BOWS?! Stop trying to make it happen, it’s NEVER going to happen.

I remain largely unconvinced that this photo isn’t an AI creation. Not knocking Maddie and Tae because they’re both beauties but this photo looks like one of those perfect makeup Bratz cartoon Snapchat facial filters. Gonna need a video of these two speaking to prove they were actually there and this picture isn’t a couple of robots.

This pattern made me break out in a cold sweat. It was a trend I had long forgotten and I didn’t even realize how horrifying it was until I was triggered by this dress. Remember the Y2K era of sheer shirts and distressed tattoo-like designs? Let me remind you.

DO NOT BRING THIS BACK. (She says as if the result of this search wasn’t where you can easily buy these exact shirts today.)

Well that’s certainly one way to make a statement. It’s not a statement I’m ready to accept but maybe some other fashion critic is tickled horny by this Xtina Dirrty music video getup.

Change it up my dudes. I’m convinced that these two wear the same exact thing at every awards show and I don’t have any facts to back that up. Of course you could always just look back on the archives of red carpets here to prove me right or wrong but ain’t nobody got time for that. This sparkly little jacket is giving off big time Vegas vibes and the awards show is happening in Nashville so STRIKE 3.

This dress is tacky as hell right down to the stripper heels as is having matching purple hair.

What we’re supposed to believe Post Malone is country now? Get the hell outta here, bro. Hand in your bolero at the door.

I’m SORRY WHAT?!

Are we just treating red carpets like a Halloween party now? This is literally just a Pretty Woman costume. That would be like me attending the Grammys in the iconic Andie Anderson golden gown wearing the Isadora diamond. I mean come on is anyone original anymore?!

These bell bottoms are OUT OF CONTROL.

Sick brown plaid suit, Luke. NAAAAHHHHHHT.

What the actual fuck are we looking at here? I mean furrealz Halloween was weeks ago and everyone has their Christmas trees up by now so WHAT IS WITH THE COSTUMES?! Is this a bit? Am I missing something? Cause imagine a cute girl like this was like I’ll only walk the red carpet if I can dress like a sexy construction worker and drag around a giant orange cone. She should be banned from all future awards shows for this stunt. Mostly because of the neon camel toe we were all just subjected to without warning.

BEST

This is just a good ole country boy happy to be here, shirt tassels blowing in the breeze.

As much as I wish that Luke Bryan stayed young forever shaking his hips onstage in a white tee, jeans, and a backwards hat, I understand that everyone must mature and he does cool dad leather jacket black tie just as well. His wife has always looked like a Golden Globe.

What a sassy little piñata jumpsuit!

Obsessed with everything about this dress.

Oh ok, Paula Abdul, I see you.

The only red gown I approved of because she flawlessly matched her lip and also didn’t completely rip off a fictional hooker from the 90’s.

Sara Evans serving a tasteful amount of leg and just the right amount of razzle dazzle.

Really into this coordinated hunter green situation. How very fall of them.

I like that Chris went classic Prince Charming black tux and let his lady shine as Cinderella.

I legit had to mop up a little drool after seeing this pic. Sure, Riley is Babetown USA regardless of what he’s wearing but he went RIGHT for my weak spot with this oatmeal suit. Every piece of clothing I have purchased in the last 8-10 months has been EXCLUSIVELY oatmeal. I’m going through an earth tones nude phase that I may never find my way out of and Riley absolutely understood the assignment. A classic choice.

This has got to be one of the goofiest poses that a red carpet photographer has ever captured which leads me to believe that this guy ONLY poses with his head cocked to the side like he’s confused and yet also intrigued. This gent is the first ever Golden Bachelor and we needn’t learn his name because he will fade into oblivion as soon as this season wraps up. Gotta give credit where credit is due, this blue suit is a GREAT choice which was his only saving grace from not getting absolutely roasted on my worst dressed.

Morgan Wallen chopped that God-awful mullet (take a hint, Kyle Cooke) and he’s clearly feeling fancy free and funky fresh with this burnt sienna jacket. It’d be even cuter if the mustache got deleted next.

Very into this half and half sparkle. Super flattering and fun without being tacky.

No clue what warranted a HubbHouse appearance at the CMA’s other than the fact that she’s on a full press tour bashing Carl. But I love a girl who is shamelessly doing post-breakup revenge looks. Hubbs spent all of BravoCon last weekend accentuating her assets and this jazzy gown full of cutouts and slits its no different. Eat your heart out, Carl. Less stress. More Life.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

These two are having a real moment in the spotlight right now. Instead of being the bitter bitch that I usually am, I’mma let them have it. WE LOVE LOVE! LET THEM BE IN THEIR LOVE BUBBLE! Kelsea is shoveling dirt over the grave that was her marriage by singing songs with snarky insults to her ex all while she’s gallivanting all over with her new hot piece BF that she got by sliding into his DM’s, ~~John B~~ Chase. She looks amazing, she just crushed her first headlining show in her hometown while he watched in the crowd crying at how beautiful and talented she is, and truthfully every song she’s released in the past year has been catchy as hell. And now that I’m done slobbering over two hot famous people banging, this pink gown and soft old Hollywood glam curls are Chef’s Kiss.

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2023

Ok, here’s the deal. On Valentine’s Day the Mets emailed me and were all like “Ooohhh I bet you’re lonely and have a touch of the seasonal depresh, here’s a deal marketed JUST TO YOU.” And I’ve never felt more seen. I didn’t skip a beat in drawing out that ole CC and buying 4 tickets in lower level seats for a discount price just because it was winter and I didn’t have someone to snuggle with. Which is how we ended up here, with me a little sauced (understatement of the century) on Met Gala Monday after having already observed Met Monday. In fact, I made the joke, what if I showed up at the Met Gala in my Mets hat?! It bombed. No one laughed. These are the hard truths one has to overcome when you have a casual personal blog that you take way too seriously and also try to do excursions at the same time. I also tried to make “It’s gonna be Mets” happen. Regardless, that’s how I found myself over-served on a Monday doling out my typical (but maybe a little drunker?) Met Red Carpet observations. ‘NJoy. My first un-prompted thought: Why is everyone trying to be Wednesday Addams?! Follow-up thought…when my friend was like there were literal cats on the carpet, I SOUNDLY replied “oh yeah, that’s for Choupette.” So let the records show that even though I double booked baseball and fashion, I did NOT forget that this year’s theme was: “Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty” aka a tribute to his fashion forward (but definitely asshole) cat would not be out of line. PS I don’t care how famous you are, your cat is still an asshole, that’s just a fact, JACK.

I was literally on the train home when my BFF texted me “I hope you’re dong a met recap” to which I obviously replied with a drunk train selfie, but don’t let that boozey pic fool you because nothing and I MEAN NOTHING will stop me from judging celebs, especially whilst wearing an oversized Mets PJ shirt that was clearanced out at a whopping 3 dollars last season at Marshall’s. When I arrived home and this was the first outfit I saw it was ON like DONKEY KONG. Jenny. Jen. Lo. Baby. Whatchu doing girl?! There is no Met theme on this planet that would justify a 50’s pillbox hat, facial net and a side of tits out for the boys. This is a SWING AND A MISS. (Using baseball references cause I’m so into baseball these days and that’s obvious.)

We followed up Jen’s nipsy doodle with this Kimmy K pearl quartet and GAUGE MY EYES OUT STOP INVITING KARDASHIANS TO THE MET BECAUSE THEY EMBARRASS US EVERY YEAR. Kim is trying so hard to be Marilyn Monroe she’s about to pop an implant from how hard she’s trying to squeeze into Marilyn’s bombshell shoes. Give it up, girl. You can be hot and cool in your own identity, you don’t need to live up to these iconic American fashion staples. It’s ok, bbgurl. Relax.

I get that it’s been trendy to hate on Anne Hathaway for absolutely no reason which is exactly why I’ve always advocated for her. But I can’t here. This Elvira hairstyle with a pinned together dress is woof city, population: Annie get your gun and get the hell out of here. Sorry, not sorry.

Honestly, sure why not. I feel like I’m coming across like a real Negative over-served Nancy, and I’m not trying to bring your Tuesday down. Does a latex number salute Karl? Probably not. But if you’re going to go AWL OUT for a red carpet, Met Gala is the place to do it. So guh’ head Cardi. Get down with your black condom florals and tie and silver “wig” sitch.

Honestly, what’s the point of being a VS angel if you can’t just strap on a pair of damn wings whenever you please?! She’s freshly single and just wants to walk the catwalk as an angel no matter the time of year and I’m here for it.

I fully support a strong ab midsection and a spicy blazer, I will NEVER EVER (NOT EVEN IF THERE’S A FIRE) support a mermaid bottom. MER.MAID.BOTT.OM. GET LAWST with that. Toss your “I only eat kale” mid section in my face ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY but do NOT think you can slip a peplum skirt by me, KERRY.

This is our new Barbie, and with all due respect, this is boring as hell. You can’t be in a movie with ICONIC hot pink outfits and then be like ho, hum, lemme just toss on a basic black gown for the Met ball. Sure, she looks great, but YA GOTTA STUN ME. There were years that celebrities LITERALLY dressed as Barbie and we’re gonna just do a black gown when you ARE Barbie?! NO, babes.

This is right around the point where I was like oh ok, we’re all just doing Wednesday Addams. Like the theme was Karl Lagerfeld, a fashion designer ICON, and everyone was like I’ll just wear black and be emo. Kewl. Sick effort. Karl is R-O-L-L-I-N-G in his grave. Kendall looks cool and all but I’m bitter about this stupid and lazy approach to the theme.

Again, Lizzo looks fre$h but black and pearls is BOOOOOOOOOORING.

Check out that one flap of hair just dangling in her eye line. I’ve never been more infuriated by a patch of hair. Bye.

Since we’ve apparently interpreted “Karl” as darkness becomes my soul, Billie really nailed it. True story, this is pretty much her aesthetic and it really suits her.

I take back everything I said about Priyanka’s hair because WOOOOWWW. What’s the happs here?! Other than obviously a flood with those pants and loafies.

Even Choups took one look at this costume and was like NIGHTMARES. Better luck next time, Jared.

Gigi is the classic Abercrombie girl who goes to Hot Topic and is like I’m punk now, guys. Stick to jewel-toned horse logo sweaters with a popped collar underneath, booboo.

Things that clean your car in a car wash for 400, Alex.

Sure, bub, let’s just use the Met Gala as another avenue for you to push this “I only wear things that shock Conservatives” agenda. You win, you always do.

Michelle is having an awards season moment, so I’m not here to shit on that. She’s following the unspoken black and white rule and she looks good so get after it, mama.

Not gonna lie, I love a couple that commits to a fashion statement. Dwayne is just as into this as Gabs is, if not more.

Honestly how did she even snag an invite to this ordeal? No one correlates Nicole Kidman with high fashion. But here we are. She looks dece (more dece than she does on a red carpet) but still odd to see her. It’s like when a friend no one invited just casually showed up and you all had to pretend you invited her all along cause you’d look like a big ole group of heartless bitches if you didn’t. If you’re reading this and wondering if your girl gang ever did this to anyone, it’s you. They didn’t invite you. Sarry.

Sure, Barbs pink and feather are always accepted no matter the occasion.

It’s slowly starting to click (alcohol is a scary drug, folks) that everyone in H-wood just decided to dress EXACTLY like Karl for this evening’s events. On the one hand, Steph nailed it, on the other hand that I’ve leaned into A LOT, it’s so the OPPOSITE of creative. Ooh, the theme is Karl? Can I borrow on of his ties and pull my hair back to look like a man?! Insert the deepest of eye rolls here. I want FUNKY, not copy an 85 year old man who hasn’t changed his red carpet outfit in 59 years. Lookin at you for a wake-up call on this matter, Anna Wintour.

BOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOoOOOOOOOOOO. You lived through the worst decades of fashion in the early aughts with baby tee’s and baby purses. You should be SLAYING at the Met Gala every year!! Triple decker platforms and a choker that spans the width of your body AIN’T IT, SIS.

Karlie took the Kimmy K pearls memo and repurposed into a belt and for that reason, I’m out.

Amanda looks like she was straight up electrocuted. And not in a chic way.

I don’t get it. I’m sorry. I know this is the most unpopular opinion because girls are creaming their jeans over this guy and yet, a high biz sock and a bare calf will dry a girl RIGHT UP. This is horrifying.

Red is making an appearance here and there on the carpet and I’m so desperado for a pop of color that I’m thirsty as hell for most of the red hot lewks. This is sex pot 101 with the latex corset and lace legs so snaps for Salma.

Cause nothing says bless us o’lord for these are thy gifts like a body chain rosary diving down your exposed cleavage and thigh high’s. God Bless the USA.

Is that a neck guitar?! Whatever, her hair and makeup looks good so this little topless guitar cape can slide on by.

10/10. No Notes.

Imagine throwing on a double decker head piece like this and thinking you won’t look stupid? I want that kind of confidence.

Simple but elegant and I’m always on board for a sparkly tassel.

Another carbon copy, I’m just gonna wear Karl’s skin as a suit move. Eyes rolling down the white and red carpet.

Cake ruffles…we all know where I stand on that trend. Also not for nothing but pink eye shadow should be banned, it forever makes people look unwell for wearing.

I would like this look a bajillion times more if we eliminated the neck bow/fake flower. I do love the lace and sparkle combo though.

This is BODACIOUS. Sure, it’s stupid to basically drag a comforter behind you but at least it’s a nice soft blue and complements the pastels in the dress.

This is bad prom 101. So tacky and unflattering.

It’s so great that we live in a society where the Bradley Cooper’s of Hollywood just show up in a plain ole tuxedo and people are like yes, he nailed it. Throw on some shades and a little hair tousle and women are fanning themselves.

I LIVE FOR AN OPEN BACK, BABY.

I know she has silver hair regularly and not just for this event so I’m not going to come at her for copying Karl. See? I can be rational.

This is the kind of shit I like to see. Over the top, I’m a Real Housewife of Dubai Queen. Bow down, bitches.

From Dubai to Ancient Greece. This look isn’t moving the needle for me. It’s random and out of place and the color is off.

The bows are suuuuhhhhhh STUPID. She literally looks like a five year old with a bow just tied into her hair like that.

Have we seen a blue number yet? Honestly, I don’t even remember because there were 124 photos on People.com. That is too many photos. We’re really pushing it here and I’m running out of steam BIG time. Will I ever be done with this blog? Probs not. I’ll be clacking away as a skeleton six feet under. Oh no, we’re getting loopy. I’m laughing the most at picturing myself as a skeleton. At least my figure would be top notch. Could eat all the hot dogs I want cause they’d just fall right out. Anyway, her legs look bangin and matching boots to the dress? OKURR.

Stunning. That dark lip contrast is Chef’s Kiss.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?! I’ve never hated anything more. A black “my hair is dirty so I’ll slip this on” headband and peach satin?! Woof.

I never put two and two together while watching Daisy Jones & the Six that this is Rob Pattinson’s latest piece. Seems like an odd match-up. Digging her little fairy dress but the PINK EYESHADOW DAMNIT. It makes women look sick.

I’m into this whoutfit with flower dangles. I also like a man who commits to the theme and doesn’t just roll up as himself, BRADLEY.

I very much do not like this.

Bangs?! BANGS, EM?! I cannot focus on anything else.

This is so Emily in Paris Pierre Cadault meta and if you don’t understand that reference then you’ve OBVIOUSLY never been to Paris. Like LC. BAM BAM, double stupid show reference. I’m FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS.

This one grew on me. It’s like a mother and daughter Peaches and cream duo. I like the contrast of the fur and silk togets. Well done for Mommy & Me!

We get it, Maude, you’re skinny.

Ahh, the ole butt bow. Tried and true every major red carpet event has to have one.

If this were a standalone look I’d genuinely wonder if this was a Michael Jackson tribute instead.

This is a little too on the nose for me, Doja Cat.

An effort was made here, so we accept.

I’m into this, especially that GIANT rock she’s sporting around her neck. I mean damn, girl.

Hate tweed the most. And a chain belt is literally making me puke a little in my mouth. That could be the mixture of beer, wine, gin & vodka I tossed down my gullet. But more likely, it’s the belt.

SPARKLY & SHINY & SHIMMERS!

Alright who was on wiping duty for Rita last night?

I’m weirdly into this. Maybe it’s the cocky hand in the pocket pose?

RIP MY EYEBALLS OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT THIS FOR ONE MORE SECOND IT IS BEYOND HIDEOUS.

Rami looks like he’s going to the grocery store to pick up eggs.

Yup, I’m 100% all in on this. This is a moment.

Two contrasting dramatic looks b2b and I love it a lot. This pearl crown is bomb.com.

I mean he wins, right?! Like you show up to a Karl tribby with a 10 ft train in his likeness you’ve just essentially told everyone to suck it hard. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Yoikes this is bad.

FUN & FUNKY FRESH.

Gotta be honest, this looks cozy as hell.

No. Nope. Not happening. No sir you will not just throw on a leather trench and oversized shades and call it a day.

It’s giving boxer about to enter the ring.

We’ve got a twofer here. Weird big coat over hoop and TA-DA I’M JUST WEARING UNDIES AND A CONE YOU PUT OVER TREES YOU WANT TO PROTECT FROM SNOW! Sure babes, whatever. If not at the Met, when can you hula hoop it up in your skivs. Body looks bangin.

What a punchable face. That closed mouth smile and peace sign in a bucket hat. Pete’s just asking for a knuckle sandwich.

The way that people wait with bated breath for a RiRi appearance. Events like this were made for the Rihanna’s and Gaga’s of the world. What outlandish thing can they stunt all over the carpet. And you know what? I like it. Like I said 100 years ago when I started writing this blog, I love a couple that goes full send together. ASAP with the kilt, Rihanna with the coordinated red lip and cool Hollywood starlet shades. I’m even down with this flower bubble. And that’s it, folks. That’s a wrap on the Met. Now excuse me while I take a long winter’s nap because whipping up this blog at 10pm after a booze-filled day was basically my Jordan flu game. If you made it to the end of this blog that I will absolutely not be proof-reading, you also deserve a nap. LET IT RIP.

Red Carpet

CMT Music Awards Red Carpet 2023

The CMT Music Awards are a fan-voted awards show so it’s a popularity contest and about four A-List country stars showed up to Austin, Texas for this shindig but oooh baby that don’t stop me from rippin a red carpet! (Since there are so few to judge, we’ll just let em all hang loose in one list…if you think by eliminating a worst dressed list, I’ll spare the snarky commentary you are sorely mistaken.)

I looked at this picture first when browsing last night’s arrivals and literally checked the link to confirm this was a 2023 photo and not a throwback to a 90’s country awards show. Hot diggity damn Shania looks great for me to do a double take and wonder if it was 30 years ago. Sorry, let me clarify, this outfit is downright atrocious. But face/hair/bod is the FOUNTAIN of youth.

It’s not a country night unless Carrie trots those billion dollar legs out. Folks, these stems peeking out of her blinged out spanky pants are stealing the damn show. I can’t look anywhere else. Love the outfit, but honestly who cares what she’s wearing when you’ve got a set of gams like this and she’s known it since she strutted them onto that American Idol soundstage 18 years ago. And that’s coming from someone who knows a thing or two about hot legs. (s/o to the sun.)

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From hawt legz to this catastrophe. What a massive letdown. I think we can all safely say that Avril Lavigne trying to make ties a cool punk rock thing in the early aughts belongs firmly in the rearview. I never need to see a couple wearing matching skinny ties. In fact Gwen stepped right out of 2002 from boots with the fur, fishnets, mini skirt that barely covers her snatch and a white button down. Go home, Gwen.

Kelsea’s living her best damn life. She’s dating a babe soda, she got her mic drop moment spilling the tea on her divorce, and she’s dressing to impress. Guh ‘head gurl, get down with your bad self in your pastel corset.

Imagine being a total rocket, being married to a country superstar, and then just casually having the voice of an angel as well and hopping on a track with your husband that blows all the way up? That being said, you’re better than lilac tights and kitten heels with a rhinestone bow, Katelyn. And the gloves?! Are you Mia Thermopolis, PrinCESS of Genovia? The fame has gone straight to her head.

THE DUBS THUMBS UP. gEeEEeEk aLeRt! I don’t even hate this outfit because as I’ve mentioned about 900 times to anyone who will listen, I’m all about that beige lifestyle lately. But I cackled at those dad thumbs. Surprised he didn’t pair them with a couple of fresh white New Balances.

I absolutely need to know if Megan realizes that by posing at an angle with a leg popped, that white ameoba cutout is giving us a straight-shot view of her labia.

OH HELLO, GRANDMA! What the hell is this sack of tinsel? It looks like she tied a matching sweatshirt around her waist, except it’s actually a tablecloth instead. Don’t forget your tablecloth, Dixie, it might get chilly tonight!

Look at this little lime green popsicle! I love a coordinated Keroppi.

(That reference will only hit with the real 90’s girliepops)

I don’t just want these boots, I NEED THEM. I can’t say I love a good bloom until I have bloomin’ bootz, chaknow?! I also love that this chick knew what a statement these shitkickers are and went simple black for the rest of her outfit so they had their moment to shine. It’s country but elegant and I’m here for it.

This is the most appropriate event to rock this look at. Anywhere else you try to pull off a denim jacket/dress combo with leather boots, leather hat, velour gloves & bright red hair and you get laughed right out of the joint. But a fan-voted awards show in Austin on a seafoam green carpet? Yes, booboo. She is the moment.

I may never get over a gentleman of this size being named Jelly Roll and of course we can’t forget his bride, Bunnie XO. And honestly now that I’m taking a better look at his tatted up face, is one of those just a straight line from his hair down through his left eye? What’s the meaning behind that little ditty, I wonder. To top it all off, the prayer hands are giving real DJ Khaled vibes, BLESS UP.

I’ve been catching up on Abbott Elementary and it’s no coincidence that just before I tuned into this awards show, I watched the episode where Gregory tries to become a trendy hat guy (not for the faint of heart as I too faced ridicule when trying to elevate my hat game) and every single zinger that the other teachers lobbed at him applies to this monstrosity of a dome cover. So at the risk of this clip being removed from YouTube…watch & giggle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3EQANV8G9U

The Lavender silk shirt is really giving ice dancer but I’m a sucker for Chucks and a fun jewel tones duo.

This may sound judgmental but hear me out. Are we at a Walmart in Sequoyah, Oklahoma? My jaw DROPPED at how much hick is in one photo here. It’s like they’re reenacting the Natalie Portman classic “Where the Heart Is.” Homegirl is seconds away from her water breaking in that green polka-dotted dress that looks like it was pulled out of the bottom of the hamper where it was crumpled up for weeks, then stuck in the wheel well of the pickup truck that they certainly drove to the show. And while we’re at it, why don’t we cruise on over to the mullet hanging onto that big ole belly for dear life. Is that a pearl necklace he’s sporting with ADIDAS SAMBAS?! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, YOU TWO?! IS THIS AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE?! This is the exact costume one might wear to a white trash bash themed college kegger. All that’s missing is mullet gripping a can of Bud heavy and rippin a butt in his other hand. My ‘lanta.

Big time fan of Russie and his lady Kailey and gotta serve up a cold hard glass of truth, I expected more from them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no chartreuse polka dot dress and SAMBAS (still not over it). But at the same time, they’re not knocking my damn socks off either. They’re gonna have to step it up if they’re gonna make it to the big leagues. And by the big leagues, I obviously mean Best Dressed on this highly-esteemed fashion blog.

Despite a mean case of the crazy eyes (or for all who celebrate, ‘Shane from Love is Blind’ eyes) Lainey’s killin this outfit. Much like I imagine her low budget Hannah Montana accent kills a lot of boners. I’m sorry, but it had to be said. She did a lot of talking and I spent the entire time wondering if she was doing a fake twang like ole Pennsylvania native Taylor Swift used to do in her early days. It is *very* hard to listen to and I hope she shakes it off as quickly as Tay did.

Oh, honey no! No, no, no, no, NOOOOO. MAKE THIS SHEER TREND STOP FOREVER I’M SO SICK OF SEEING EVERYONE’S NUDE BODIES BEHIND A VERY UN-PRIVACY SCREEN IN THE NAME OF “FASHION.”

Oh ok, Cole showing up with some arm candy! I live for the dichotomy of a simple country boy like Cole who always wears a baseball cap and solid colors next to Princess Sparkles over here. I wonder if she’s hoppin up into his Chevy to go shootin.

Carly’s poppin that rack and that leg at the same damn time and I got hella respect for it. Why? Cause it’s subtle and sexy and I’m not staring down the barrel of her belly button, nips or lady curtains. PRAISE BE!

Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2023

We’ve arrived at the big one, that means spring is just around the corner! F that groundhog looking for his damn shadow, all we need is a 7 hour stuffy as hell broadcast with a bunch of A-list actors and a host making PC jokes to know the long winter is almost over. Unfortunately when last year’s show includes Will Smith bum-rushing the stage and bitch-slapping Chris Rock on live TV, the one that follows is gonna be tighter than a butthole. This was one of the most boring awards show ever broadcast and that includes their color choice for the carpet, which was “champagne.” It’s beige, folks. Just call it beige. Not sure why they decided to switch it up from the infamous red, but for anyone in my close circle of friends (my Twitter followers) you know that I’m currently obsessed with neutral tones and have been on an aggressive hunt to transform my entire wardrobe into exclusively Oat Milk articles of clothing, shoes, and accessories. So what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really knock a beige carpet when I just purchased a “Vanilla” sweatsuit to really commit to my NUDE era. So without further ado, all the looks from a carpet that will immediately turn brown from people traipsing all over it.

WORST

Did Florence turn her ponytail INTO micro bangs? It looks like a choice was made here and that choice was to flip her ponytail onto her forehead and superglue it there. Although I could probably spend this entire commentary discussing how that was a terrible choice, it’s important for me to also point out the bedsheet wrapped around spankypants look she’s rockin below the fringe. Nothin like rolling yourself up in a Duvet and hitting the show!

I’m never going to support a slicked back updo. ESPECIALLY from someone who has curly hair like me. Rep us curly gurlz on that champagne carpet, WHAT ARE YOU ASHAMED OF?! Yea that’s right I just took one look at this hairstyle and crafted a clickbait spin that Jenny was ashamed of her natural curls. Get on my level.

Can you imagine showing up to the biggest awards show, not being an actress, and wearing feather boas? Let’s take it down a notch, Molly. This ain’t your show, honey. Save it for the Paris catwalk.

If you’re the arm candy of Antonio Banderas at the Oscars, you’ve gotta do better than this Fabletics lookin coordinated set. I mean is she walking a red (beige) carpet or leading an at-home workout on Youtube for all of her followers? It’s even more ridiculous that Antonio is in a tux next to Barbie Burpees.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in Kate. This isn’t the ugliest dress on the planet but it’s certainly not doing it for me. More importantly, it is the 20 year anniversary of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days this year and HOW DO YOU NOT WEAR THE ICONIC YELLOW DRESS WITH THE CANARY ISADORA DIAMOND TO THE OSCARS?! I mean people would LOSE THEIR SHIT. That was a huge opportunity missed and I’ll be irrationally peeved about it for a little while. Do better next time, Andie Anderson.

This is a Free Willy nightmare. I don’t know if it’s the actual Orca fin of taffeta hanging off her back that’s making her posture so shitty or if she just knows this look sucks and is posing like the ~~Hunchback of Notre Dame~~ Humpback of the Pacific admitting defeat.

I hate this color. I hate the tie top halter and keyhole cleavage. I hate the bottom half looking like doorway streamers you buy on Amazon for decorating an Airbnb for a Bachelorette. HateHateHateDoubleHate…LOATHE ENTIRELY.

Not into the drapey fabrics style. It’s always the type of dress you trip over (because where are your feet) and also end up dragging your sleeves through the sauce on your plate or knocking over your wine glass making a real mess of things. I wanted to be a part of the poncho trend years ago when it was cool until I wore one to work and knocked my pencil cup off my desk every time I moved my arms. A lesson was learned. Just because it’s “trendy” doesn’t mean it’s practical. Also, not for nothing, but shapeless as hell.

I love following along when people get thirsty AF for male actors and then watching as they all come back down to earth and put their boners away. This should be a sobering moment for all because the guy people have been calling DADDY for weeks on Twitter is wearing suit pants that are SO long they look like JNCO jeans bagging up around his ankles. REAL Daddies wear a tailored suit.

Slicked ‘do, clown makeup and a tiny belt resting atop her labia. Need I say more?

This is a really fun color and I don’t hate a suit moment but it has to be fitted right or a flattering style. Wearing a floor length business duster ain’t it, chicky. Waist-length jacket open to the bustier underneath would’ve slapped way harder.

This triggered me. Although a MUCH classier version, all I could think of when I saw Ashley was a recent episode of Love is Blind (S3, After the Altar) where Alexis wore the below number to her birthday party, which her dad attended. I repeat, her father was at a party where she wore this:

Sure, this is an extreme comparison. But also, is it really? When are we going to stop doing see through numbers with briefs (or lack thereof) underneath? Also perhaps I just really wanted the world to set their peepers on this birthday suit a reality TV star wore for realz and felt good about. Wanna know how I know LIB isn’t matching people with their true loves or “their person” as is gagworthy repeated time after time on this show? Cause her PERSON would’ve taken one look at that atrocity of a lace stocking stretched over her tits and bits and said “go change.” Instead her man told her she looked amazing. I give the marriage 5 years tops. And that’s being generous.

Ana’s a bangpiece and I’ve seen her knock it out of the park plenty of times but tonight wasn’t one of those times. There’s something so meh about this look and I’ve never been real rah-rah for ruffles or in this case, scales. on a dress.

THE SKINNY SCARF. Guys. If those are coming back put me in the G-D ground. The worth nothing, completely uncoordinated skinny knit scarf tossed over a t-shirt HAUNTS me as much as Gaucho pants and kitten heels do. YIKES ON BIKES. Speaking of horrifying trends coming back…I found myself in a Forever 21 this weekend (don’t ask, I’m not willing to admit why a 31 year old found herself scouring a Forever 21 and also making a purchase) but my jaw was on the ground the entire time as it looked exactly like a Delia’s catalog from 1996 come to life. The spaghetti strap crop tops with stupid bedazzled phrases, smiley faces and flames. I GASPED when I saw these bad boys:

Fashion is not real.

It’s gonna be a hard no for me, bub.

Once again, WHAT DO PEOPLE FIND SEXY ABOUT THIS GUY?!

Ariana usually does something trendy and quirky and this fell flat. Plus, fabric shooting out of your butthole tail style…two thumbs down.

Lenny, you’re way too old to be going chesties out at a black tie event. Not a good enough reason to let the breeze hit your nips.

It’s giving grandma’s curtains/tablecloth/nightgown all rolled into one vibes.

Is that a bedazzled rhombus on your chest or are you just happy to see me?

Silk AND peach?! Bruh. Come on.

“I’ve got the best idea! Let’s just forget the sleeve on one side but in it’s place we’ll do a couple of one foot wide glitter flowers hanging off the dress.” – The designer of this dumpster fire gown, probably.

There’s never a circumstance where I need to know if you’ve recently gotten a bikini wax by seeing it with my own peepers for an awards show.

Say it with me now y’all, TOO MUCH FABRIC!

And in the same camp…why are we ADDING layers to the hip area?! I love the color and the bold lip but this drapey sitch is OUT.

When I first saw this I was like HELL YEA, MARLEE. Get down with your bad self. And then something that inevitably happens every time I do a red carpet blog, by the time I got back ’round to doing commentary for it I flip-flopped and suddenly hated it. She basically has the same hairstyle as Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama and I can’t razz all over Molly Sims for her boa arms and not also throw stones at Marlee for her feather cake bottom gown. EQUALITY FOR SHITTING ALL OVER BOA FASH.

This is an MK or A witchy simplistic lewk and I expect more from E. We know your sisters dress like this at every public outing (usually baggier and with more layers) but you’re a rising star at the beginning of your career that didn’t start on straight to VHS short films with original white girl rap songs. GIVE US SOMETHING SPICY. Take a chance, boo!

Unpopular opinion but I don’t worship the ground Rihanna walks on for literally no reason. She made some catchy pop beats like 10 years ago and she seems cool and all but this Beyonce-level obsession that people have with her and thinking she is a fashion icon is a little much. I thought her super bowl outfit that had people questioning if she had a pregnancy announcement or just hadn’t pooped in a while kinda sucked and the same goes for this sheer/leather thang. Sorry…not sorry.

DID SHE TIE THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS INTO A RAT TAIL? Get the hell out of my face with that.

A very public Kelly Ripa H8er (Rege & KLG 4 LIFE), I rolled my eyes out of my damn head when she announced that Ryan Seacrest would be leaving the show and her husband would be taking his place. I’m a firm believer that she’s a real twat and difficult to work with so it checks that she’s now choosing the one person who doesn’t get paid to tolerate her on the daily. I smelled drama with this switcheroo and I know she’s trying to get ahead of it by showing up with both like there isn’t bad blood but WE KNOW YOU KELLY. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. And that’s my unrelated bitchy rant to close out awards season. Also look how far those three clowns are standing apart. I’ve never seen a more uncomfy trio. Ok, now I’m done. Is Mark wearing a jean shirt? KByeeeeeeeee.

What an asshole move. Every time they panned to the audience and I saw this skyscraper hood levitating above her head I felt bad for everyone sitting behind her. If I was running the show and saw her roll through I’d tell her she had to sit in the nosebleeds. It’s only fair.

BEST

Love a pastel moment and we didn’t get too many of them tonight. SPRING HAS SPRUNG LITTLE CHICKADEES!

Idris lookin like a stone cold fox in that blue patterned jacket but unfortunately for us all he chose to bring Kermit the Frog as his date. There’s a reacher and a settler in every relashe and I think we’ve solidified who is who here.

I’ve come to accept that Seth exclusively wants to look like he’s going to prom and out of the many quirky pastels he’s tried to pull off in the past, this ivory and steel blue combo is his best. His wife wore a much less offensive shade of green than ole Kermie above, which was nice.

I could not be more obsessed with not only a periwinkle suit, but a periwinkle suit with pearl starburst buttons. Grey shoes would’ve been the obvious choice here instead of a chunky black loafer but I’m guessing he was somewhat trying to coordinate with his lady friend, so we’ll let it slide.

What a fun take on crop separates! Bustier top and a hot orange bottom keeping it sassy as hell.

This kid knows what’s up. Sick kicks and a sparkly jacket. I respect starting strong right out the gate. Keep up the good work, Ginger Snap.

I don’t know how Vanessa became a key player in red carpet fashion but she’s been throwing heaters for the past few years now and I accept.

God, nothing makes me smile like a finger gun pose at a black tie affair.

One of the few red numbers of the eve and she looks great!

Dubs hands on hips and some midsection lacies is fierce. WERK.

Only thing more cool guy than a shimmery silver jacket would’ve been matching bottoms but something tells me Samuel L. doesn’t need anymore street cred.

PRINCESS PINK MOMENT!

Michelle almost snagged the best dressed honor because she is an angelic beauty in this.

I can’t stand phantom sleeves attached to nothing but I need to commend Mindy for stepping outside of the box. Her show The Mindy Project featured some of the quirkiest and fun bold outfits episode after episode and then when I see Mindy on the red carpet it feels like she’s always in blacks, navy blues, and basic styles. More of this good shit, please! She looks sexy and fashionable even though her upper arms are probably cold. Seriously, what’s the point of forearm sleeves? But I digress…

HOT COUPLE ALERT. (They’d be hot even if they showed up in athleisure, but that’s why Hollywood is unfair and exists to remind us that we’re all a bunch of poor, ugly, slobs.)

Speaking of unfair, Jessica literally looks like a painting.

Let’s be real, it’s the pocket for me.

Another cut sleeve thing which really burns my biscuits but hot damn that dress fits her like a glove. You know what it is? I think the sleeves are giving me flashbacks to the fishnet cut-off girls would get from Hot Topic and slide over their pasty arms with an American Eagle graphic tee. Glad you could join me on this journey to find out why I’m personally triggered by a trend. Always a pleasure working through things with you.

A real daddy, if you will. A well deserved thirst trap.

Now that awards season is over, let’s all stop making fun of his Elvis accent. Pinky swear?

This is the unhinged part of the blog where I declare that Michelle and Jamie Lee must’ve been keeping up with The Salty Ju because I knocked them down a peg at the Globes and they stepped it UP for the Oscars. Has everything to do with me and my highly valued opinions and nothing to do with the fact that this is the biggest awards show and the final one of the season. These light sparkly gowns are flattering and goddess-like which is much more fitting of two first-time Oscar winners. Well done babes.

Another pastel princess moment for the new Princess Ariel. BTW that trailer sucked. Don’t turn an UNDERWATER move into live action. It looked fake as hell. Some things just BELONG in animation. Whoops, got a little hot under the collar about a Disney Vault Classic. Sorry bout it.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Honestly Cara was at every awards show this year and I don’t even know what she was in to warrant an awards season tour but also I don’t really care with a stunner like this. She crushed and she knows it. Anyone who’s still comparing this to “Angelina Jolie’s leg moment” is stuck in the past because if you’re asking me she blows big Ange outta the water. I would say more about why she’s the top contender of the evening but I can’t stop staring at that sleek gam. I’m rendered speechless by stem. Snaps for you Cara. Ya did the damn thing.

Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2023

We are in the future! How many years did I biiitch about the fact that awards shows (and basic cable) should be available to all?! Cut to 2023 when the SAG’s (arguably one of the least watched awards shows as it used to air on TBS) was streamed on YouTube via the Netflix channel. The me that bought an antenna three years ago and spent an afternoon holding it up in different areas of my *brick* building of an apartment only to never get a sig for an awards show and have to return that bad boy to Best Buy is VERY pleased about this recent development. Petition to move ALL awards shows to the free to all channels by 2025 or WE RIOT. No shitty commercials, no crafting new emails for free Live TV trials, and best discovery of them all…no censoring! Those celebs were dropping F bombs left and right and I was sliiiiiving for it. UNCUT, BABY! Imagine what the Will Smith slap rant would’ve looked like had network TV not scrambled to bleep it out and cover our eyes?! LET US SEE IT ALL! Judging by the post-break wrangling that presenters were doing onstage, people were beebopping around and getting rowdy out there. Give us an audience cam and let us watch celebs hobnob in between awards instead of commercials. Did I just singlehandedly make awards shows watchable again by changing a few minor key deets? YUP.

WORST

The pushed back hair and shoulder ruffles really turned me off here. Honestly it’s mostly the hair. Like, how is it just staying back like that. It’s as if she ran her fingers through her hair with super glue so it wouldn’t fall forward again because it’s certainly not wet or slicked or gelled. MYSTERY.

Look, if it was just the plaid jacket, I’d be like ok that’s a little off-beat but I can get down with it. THAT HAT THOUGH. What IS it?! A cross between a captain’s hat and a beanie? I’m operating under the assumption that this hat is for fashion and not for any religious purposes but I’m sure I’ll swiftly be cancelled if I’ve misjudged this sitch. If it was a style choice, I want nothing more than to knock it off his lil head.

AH MY EYES! This is offensive on so many levels. The color, the silk/lace combo deal, the bolero and the tiny beaded purse. Holy hell this is a matronly number straight outta 1997.

Emily Blunt looks snatched as hell considering she’s got multiple children, but this dress is way too much for me. If it was just the flowers, or just the cutouts or just the bright red, fine. But all three? Sensory overload, homeslice.

When I tell you I BURST out laughing when I stumbled upon this. Show up to the awards show where actors are their DOUCHIEST talking about the craft of acting, wearing doucheroni from head to toe. Seems about right.

I’ll never understand the ‘toss a circle at the top’ design. This is so boring and Amy is WAY too young to be pushed into the women of a certain age black gown category.

I think she was maybe going for a glam sea urchin vibe? The result was terrifying.

Bold of me to put these two on the worst dressed list when they’re mean muggin the camera this hard. Looks like they might reach right through this picture and give me a swirlie. But I like to live on the edge and this King and Queen of darkness act is not fitting for a joyous awards show. SO COME AT ME, BROS.

Sick bejeweled bra. This looks like when Phoebe was trying to seduce Chandler to get him to admit he was schtupping Monica and she just showed him her bra to make him flustered and confess.

I gotta be honest I did not know that JLC was packing this heat in the chestal area and yet at the same time it’s certainly something I didn’t need to know. Way too much cleave for a Sunday night. Also, kind of irked me that she called herself a nepo baby twice like she’s in on the joke, then essentially mounted Michelle Yeoh in front of everyone and wouldn’t stop slobbering all over her during her acceptance speech while not even MENTIONING Stephanie Hsu who was nominated in the same category for the same damn movie. RUDE. I didn’t think I’d ever be coming for such a Hollywood Heavyweight but she really starting asking for it when she genuinely guest-starred on an episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to hawk her charity merch. So clearly my feelings of disappointment toward her have been festering for quite a while. Do better, Jamie Lee.

This is atrocious and there really is no other word to describe it. BROWN AND BABY BLUE CHESS BOARD on a dress, with a bell bottom silhouette. Woofsicles.

This foreign fella is the apple of many women’s eye if I had to judge based on all the thirsty tweets and yet I don’t get it. It’s like Harry Styles, actor edition. He’s got a mullet and he’s wearing an embroidered skirt…why are we acting like this dweebosaurus is a panty dropper?

NIGHTMARE FUEL. I saw this and was like wait I thought Evan Peters played Jeffrey Dahmer. Color me confused that the guy who showed up dressed like a creep monster was not attending in character but rather just looked at this head to toe whoutfit and thought, I will be irresistible in this.

I didn’t like this look to start and then Aubrey went onstage to present and I audibly gasped at how unforgiving the cut is. I imagine like 99% of Hollywood, Aubrey is a size zero and merely exists on a deep gulp of fresh air whilst hiking, grilled chicken and the occasional wheatgrass smoothie (with oat milk, obv.) And yet, due to the way this fabric is wrapped around her body, she looked fat. If I were her and I peeped the photo below, I’d immediately fire my stylist and anyone else who had a hand in this criss cross applesauce of a fashion choice.

A lace peacock. HOW BOUT NO.

At first glance I felt like Michelle resembled one of those giant swiffers your car cruises by in a car wash, but then she took the stage for her win and I saw the up close and personal deets of this unfortunate dress accessory. Those are literally the crinkly paper fillers you find at the dollar store and stuff in gift baskets. SHE IS WEARING EASTER BASKET FILLER GLUED TO HER FRONT. And even worse, she was NOT self-aware of her frazzled paps dress and let it rustle into the mic for a consistent fuzzy feedback sound that made me want to rip my ears clean off my head for her entire acceptance speech. HOW DO YOU NOT HEAR THE STATIC WHILE YOU’RE SPEAKING?!

I love the headband. Her hair looks amazing. And more importantly, I love that she won and boldly waved her hands around with one of her long black nails just straight up missing from her hand. Jennifer Coolidge is white trash personified and she’s a woman of the commoners. She shows us that we all can have a winning year after a lackluster career of doing a bit character and just haphazardly tossing red carpet looks together. As someone who has dabbled casually in the press-on nails game because my sister is an avid presser, I know how easily one of those guys can pop right off and get lost in the crowd. I can only hope that Jennifer was having herself a night and didn’t even realize one of her talons fell off, reppin gals everywhere who can’t afford to get an ANC mani every 2 weeks but still want fresh digits they can tap on a hard surface. Let’s normalize ratchet nails. (Related side bar, I’ve been vocal about wondering how girls with the long pointed tips wipe without stabbing their buttholes and I have a new question to add to that list…after going to a rock climbing gym for children this weekend and noticing that each employee had Cardi B nails, how exactly are y’all popping harnesses in and out and assisting children as they scale walls with 10 inch plastic daggers attached to each finger? We might have underestimated the next generation because if they can manage that without an oopsie stabbing or ripped finger, they can do anything.)

Head to tail floofs and of course…MER-MAID-BOT-TOM.

I typically shout out any man who wears something different from a black suit but POWDER BLUE?! Really?! ANY other shade of blue would’ve slapped but we had to go with the stereotypical 80’s prom choice…Also, is there a flood coming? James coming off like a real Geekburger here.

What in the actual fuck are we looking at here. I’m speechless.

I think the style of this dress is different and definitely flattering but Michelle looks like she’s 900 years old and I can’t stand for that. The combination of a black gown, pearl necklace, and her hair ripped back in a low library bun is aging her THE MOST. Even her pose looks stiff as hell. I want Jen Lindley back and I wanted her back yesterday. Loosen up, gurlfran!

He was on the best dressed because he’s cute but after hours of hacking away at this list I decided that NOT ALL CUTE BOYS CAN GET AWAY WITH BEING A SNOOZERONI. We need more.

BEST

Beautiful gown topped off by a teeny tiny little bun that is just downright adorable.

Really love that this dress is centered around pulling back all of the fabric to show off your stems. And she’s rockin a pair of gams so I’m glad they pulled back the curtain to reveal ’em.

Honestly probably would’ve loved this blazer as a dress (because it’s long enough, key deet) but this hot pink Barbie power suit is doing it for me.

Curly headed f*ck is still serving in a basic black tux. Rounding out awards season as a thirst trap and reeeealllyyyy making me question why The Bear was considered a comedy because it was most certainly not.

Love this splash of design but not too over the top, also love that he was the only one bold enough to try a bit during his nomination and he crushed a burger. Respect.

Fran has crossed the threshold of the aged Hollywood black dress requirement but the sparkles suit her and she’s rockin that hourglass figure.

Mrs. Sandler looks like a knockout. Adam looks better than when he dons cargo shorts and a double XL grey tee, but still giving schlubby dad vibes with the oversized suit and carrying his cell phone on the red carpet like he’s about to put his readers on and send a size 14 font text to his daughters.

This past weekend we introduced my niece to the MAGIC that is The Parent Trap. About a half hour into the movie when they show an 11 year old stabbing another 11 year old with a raw needle at summer camp, it seemed like maybe this was a little advanced for a kindergartener but that’s why I’m the auntie and a bad influence. The important takeaway here is that The Parent Trap got a new fan in Gen Alpha (yeah I just googled that) and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Fresh off watching, this reunion hit a little harder especially because Mer and Chessy are polar opposite characters. One is a gold-digging twat, the other a nanny with a heart of gold. Both clean up well TWENTY-FIVE years later.

Now that we’ve done a full awards season with the Abbott Elementary cast, it’s clear Tyler is into stuntin a look. I fully support any man who wants to step out of the box in the suit department but not into a skirt. Try to spice up formal wear without stealing our bag. Tyler did a gr8 job.

Damn this is sexy without being overtly revealing.

Dig the dark frames on Brendan.

This gown is fishy in a glam way. Bet you’ve never heard those two things together before. Also, ever the one to push my own agenda, now that we’re on the topic of this actress, let’s talk about her role that wasn’t nominated but should have been…Zora in From Scratch on Netflix. First of all, 10/10 recommend if you want to feel like you’ve transported to Italy and also want to cry your eye sockets out of your damn skull, second of all #JusticeForZora who spends the ENTIRE movie bending over backwards to cater to her sister while her sister never once takes a minute to appreciate it or ask Zora if she needs anything. Grazie for coming to my Ted Talk.

Apparently the gown was artfully placed in this shot to cover up her ankle bracelet of the law enforcement variety which is laugh out loud funny to me. Also I think she looks great and wanted to give her a shoutout because everything she wore in Emily in Paris made me literally want to puke in my hands so it’s good to see she can wear normal things.

I’m assuming this jabrones is Italian and if he’s not, I wholeheartedly support the Euro-chic effort here. This is what you would see a gent wearing on a regular day in Florence and it makes me happy. Pastel pink pants, royal blue loafs and a velvet blazer. Pretty much has no place at a black tie event but I like to keep everyone on their toes and toss in one ‘committing to the bit’ accolade. Ciao,ciaociaoCIAOOOOO.

Bold red lip and a pants moment, YES PLZZZZZ.

Sally won a lifetime achievement award, presented by Andrew Garfield which could not have been more random and cringey but she’s werkin this lace gown and looks fab.

You don’t see a lot of pastel purple on red carpets these days and I really enjoy this change of pace. The black contrast is fun and makes it a scooch more edgy.

I have a raging girl crush boner for Meghann ever since she played my favorite character Sutton on The Bold Type and therefore she can do no wrong. She looks like a Grecian goddess.

SHELL YEAH. It’s giving Ariel goes to a black tie event and naturally I’m obsessed.

Metallic and sultry and I’m running out of things to say because so many people looked lovely this evening or maybe I’m just taking a night off from being a judgy lil betch but either way, good job Ana.

I’m torn on this one and I decided to be nice. (Seriously, what’s going on with me?! Am I alright?) I think her hair looks amazing and the color is very complementary to her skin-tone, but the tail’s gotta go. It’s like wearing a table runner tacked to the back of your dress. Has absolutely no business trailing after a sixties party frock like this. But the pony and the perfectly winged liner? OoOohhh YEAH.

I’m about to directly contradict what I said about Andrew Garfield but it wouldn’t be a red carpet blog if I didn’t declare something as Bible and then walk it back just because I liked another celeb better. But it’s JOHN KRASINSKI. Or Kraz, as Will Arnett calls him in his deep raspy commercial voice. Pinstripes and a pocket chain? Kinda rough. But it’s Kraz. He’s such a babe soda. Shh, just let it happen.

Her lipstick matches her dress perfectly and you know I have a weak spot for that. All around looking elegant.

Fun, young and edgy. If my old eyes aren’t betraying me those look like shorts underneath the skirt and nobody ships a skort like me. Functional and you never have to worry about your bits being covered when you’ve got shorts underneath, which is why I still wear bike shorts under all my dresses in the summer. BEND OVER FREELY WITH SPANKY PANTS!

There’s two neon moments that made my best dressed (and one that didn’t, you know what you did, Angela.) Bright colors bring me joy and this is a funky highlighter princess gown.

Austin took a lot of heat for trying to talk like Elvis forever but he can talk in any accent he’d like lookin like maroon sex on a stick.

There’s lots of things that are working here: the long sleeves, the wavy neckline and the matching neon clutch. Also no outfit is complete without a statement hoop. Top contender for best dressed.

Really love this sparkly blush number on Sheryl.

The straight spiky bun is giving me hard flashbacks to me trying to replicate that out of a Seventeen magazine with chopsticks stuck through it. Spoiler alert: my hair type will never be perfect bun with sticks and for that I am sad. Bunz aside, I’m all about this chunky pearl of a dress.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT

No stranger to a best dressed list, Zendaya usually pulls out all of the stops and often has many quick changes throughout the night so she can shove her impeccable sense of fashion down our little peasant throats. A moment of silence for a gown that is covered in intricate satin roses. She looks stunning and she knows it.

Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2023

Welcome back! I feel like it’s important to really emphasize my fashion expertise. I’ve found that my red carpet blogs sometimes get looks from strangers who think they’ve just stumbled upon a lovely roundup of what the celebs wore and instead they’re treated to Joan Rivers reaching up from beyond the grave to punch you right in the face with snarky and critical commentary. So I gotta be candid with you. I put on an outfit yesterday, looked at myself in the mirror and thought wow I should be arrested for looking this good.

I mean come on. From the Men’s Walmart raglan that absolutely doesn’t match, to the swoveralls to the slipper socks, THIS IS FASHION, BABY. I’ve never felt more qualified to do this work. It is my calling to inform the world on what looks good and what doesn’t and then draw conclusions about these people as human beings based on the clothes they’ve chosen to wear for one evening. Please join me on this journey, won’t you?

WORST.

Kicking things off with a bitter bitch take you will feel in your bones. I cannot watch another second of another red carpet with Laverne Cox. Someone needs to put her out of her misery before I throw my TV off of my balcony. This woman does not belong anywhere near a mic in any sort of ad lib profession. It is BRUTAL. When she doesn’t know what to say (always) she just shouts WERK IT. I heard that phrase about 6 zillion times. She stumbles over her questions, she doesn’t know how to fill dead air, she says the same 4 phrases and she rips the mic away to talk when the person isn’t finished. Red carpets are awkward as hell. You have about 15 seconds to get a soundbyte and even the most seasoned hosts can get a cringe interaction. WE CAN NOT BE OUT HERE JUST SENDING ANYONE TO A RED CARPET WITH A MIC. BOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOoooOOOO. And that’s it. I don’t care what she’s wearing. She will land on my worst dressed forever and ever until they get her the hell off my TV. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

This is so caberet and old and boring and WHAT is that amoeba on your neck?! Rita you’ve got a damn bod on you and I don’t want to see it draped in a sequined garbage bag ever again.

What are we looking at here, good sirs? Are those dandelions? Mushrooms? A weird trippy hybrid of both? No gracias.

I have a strong gut feeling that the designer of this dress ripped up the carpet at the Borgata in AC and tossed it on Heidi. I can smell the cig smoke and hear the slot machines just from looking at it.

I am astonished at the amount of work these two pointy tabs of fabric are putting in to keep that rack above sea level. Hot damn, if you zoom in you can see that each side is breaking a sweat from the sheer weight of those bazookas. Ashley, bbgurl, you’ve got a strict thick strap top half, take notes for next year.

Mary, I wanna give this one to you, I do. Who doesn’t love a disco ball dress? And yet, you had to give me all the uncomfies with those cutouts. If you need a bikini wax for your red carpet dress, it’s showing too much. I never want to risk peeping a cesarean scar in an evening gown.

Doja Cat is known for being an edgy fashion risk-taker. She was just at Paris Fashion Week with red crystals glued all over her entire body. So it’s not surprising in the least that her style and my style don’t exactly mesh. Wrapping herself in latex Hefty and having bangs that give me sweaty flashbacks to Jen Lindley in Season 5 of Dawson’s Creek is gonna be a no for me, dawg.

Pornstar Barbie! I’m usually blindly Team Bebe because I’ve seen her shake that magic ass live and I support her ‘F Off For Calling Me Fat, Hollywood’ mentality but I cannot turn a blind eye to this. This is a Hugh Hefner original and we all know what a perv Hef was so we’ve gotta do better than this, ladies.

You may hate my distaste for seeing areolas on a red carpet, but at least I’m equal parts boobie hater. Don’t care what your gender is, a formal event is not a good enough reason for me to see your nipples. I truly from the bottom of my tits, do not understand the obsession with Harry Styles. I had a brief love affair with him in his later 1D years because he had swagger and a sense of humor. And then I grew up. And suddenly Harry goes solo, starts painting his nails and wearing literal clown outfits like this and everyone is SOAKED for him. He’s a subpar singer and dancer at best. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

I thought we had finally escaped the I got a swirlie before I left the house trend. And obviously as someone that is 99% of the time wearing a baggy onesie, belly buttons out is always gonna be a hard no for me.

Is Jack Harlow committing a heist? What’s with the leather gloves, homeslice? Really killing the Khaki on Khaki vibe here and making that sweater vest REAL creepy. That is a man who wants to hide a fingerprint if I’ve ever seen one.

Gotta be honest it’s been a whole minute since we’ve seen the tried and true vag flap. That was real hot a few years back. Everyone was courtesy flappin their lady parts. And this one, this one is really special. We’ve got a flap AND the luhh-handles cutouts. (I use that term with the MOST sarcasm because there is no handle there, she’s skinny AF.) If this dress wasn’t attacked by scissors, it’d be a home run. But we just HAD to show all of the skin! Insert the deepest eye roll here.

What in the cow fuckery is this, Shania? This is Elmer Fudd meets Cruella. It pains me to come at a queen like Shania, but let this be a lesson to all…no one is safe. Not even the legend who created the most party-startin phrase of all time, “Let’s Go Girls.” I get that she’s having a moment right now. She’s got new music, back on tour again, riding that Harry Styles wave, Queen of the Gays, and yet we don’t need to be going this far. Save the bold wigs for drag brunch and your Vegas show. Strut the Grammys carpet in a classic leopard and call it a day, booboo.

I’ve said it EVERY SINGLE awards show…STOP TRYING TO BRING BACK THE JT & BRITNEY DENIM THROWBACK. It is ICONIC. It will NEVER be recreated. This is stupid and embarrassing. What are those on your feet? JOOTS?! Beat it, nerd.

Speaking of losers. I’m surprised they didn’t come in a conjoined costume with their tongues attached. Here’s another submission where I don’t have a bone to pick with the outfit as much as the person (see: Laverne Cox). MGK is a polarizing personality and apparently he’s taken the temperature of the room and realized everyone finds him insufferable so the persona he tried on last night was humble bumbling idiot. Between him not being able to complete a sentence, and Laverne Cox interviewing him, I nearly dialed 911 to see if they could send an EMT to put my skin back on my body because I had CRINGED OUT OF IT. He was trying to say that he’s just grateful to be able to make music because that brings him joy and awards don’t matter but what he said instead was “I was thinking about things in the car and um…I um…I don’t…” BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. GO AWAY. BOTH OF YOU.

I hate everything about this. The half up half down top knot with the stupid 90’s pieces in the front and the keyhole spaghetti halter. Woooooooooof. You’re a mom now, Paris. Do better than recreating an outfit you probably wore to the club as a teenager.

Selenas is the only singer who can pull off a bedazzled bra and anyone else is just trying too hard. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. This is one step up from pasties and it is downright trashy. Sorry not sorry.

I love a bold color and I feel like we definitely didn’t have enough of that last night but I loathe the style of this dress. Hatehatehate, double hate, LOATHE ENTIRELY. It is the 2000’s prom dress and there is no rhyme or reason to the direction of the chiffon or the random lines of beading.

Peplum needs to be brought out back and shot.

It’s giving dad goes to pick up his kids from a high school dance and tries to toss a piece over his work clothes that he thinks Harry Styles would wear.

No. Just no. If Snooki were to win an award at the height of the Jersey Shore in 2011, this is what she would’ve worn and for that reason, I’m out. You sir are one of the richest people for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON as all you do is shout area codes and city names and BLESS UP over other people singing and yet your family shows up to the Grammys in matching Tiger King getups?! Get LAWST.

What was the vision here? Because if it was vagina-shaped crow, then you really nailed it, sista.

This is all-around bad. Miranda looks rough without adding a thrift shop rhinestone bedazzled gown into the mix. Also, not related but kinda related…I texted my sister yesterday that her sham of a marriage to that infant cop who left his pregnant wife for her has already lasted WAY longer than I ever would have predicted and I’m actually mad about it. Either they’re trying to prove a point by staying together or he’s a shell of a human who just rides her rhinestones and hopes she never kicks him loose.

I quite literally almost yakked in my hands at the sight of this atrocity. WHY ARE WE DRESSING A GROWN ADULT MAN LIKE HE’S IN FIRST GRADE IN 1996?! WHAT ABOUT THIS IS OK? I had those socks and those shoes when I was a small child. But even as a stupid 7 year old, I wouldn’t have been caught dead in an embroidered joutfit. Jorts and a joodie? I mean, are we ok here?! I wish I could unsee all of this. But since I can’t, I felt it was necessary to include so that everyone else could suffer with me. Cause that’s what I do best, make others hate their lives just as much as I do. YA WELCOME.

Sic the Yonce police on me but this mixed media foil dress stinks. And the wet hair. UGH. If you were an hour late to the ceremony because you were “stuck in traffic,” there is no excuse for looking like you just hopped out of the shower. Also, not to bring it back to me (but 100% to bring it back to me) I had this hairstyle EVERY single morning for the past 20 years of my life. I’d hop out the shower, flip my head upside down, spritz John Frieda Dream Curls, scrunch and then roll out for school or work letting my sopping wet curls dry at their own pace and however they felt like drying would determine if it was a hair up or down day. FINALLY I have matured. I bought myself a diffuser and a little curl cream and ya girl is learning how to style her naturally curly hair for the first time in her life at age 31. And might I say, on the mornings that I have a whole hour to devote to this process, it is OVER for you hoes. The Salty Ju’s got her Curl Back. Take notes, Bey.

BEST

I was ready to rip this shit and then I was like yanno what? This ain’t that cray. She looks good, there’s no near flashings, good color and it looks like this top part stands on its own, which is like hoods up, regal style. Maybe if I had this contraption my parents wouldn’t have banned hoods in my teen years. So chic.

Smokes with a teal suit. Get it, Gramps!

10/10 for couple coordination. Silver and gold? Adorable.

I’ve razzed this fella’s 70’s schtick before but this is one of his more digestible retro outfits so I’ll give it to him. Grandma’s curtains for sure but no one can deny a set of jazz hands like that.

It’s the women of a certain age uniform but Sheryl looks great and that lil leg pop seals the deal.

White before Memorial Day? Wasn’t me.

I dig Daryl getting after Wednesday Addams with these bold tights and combat boots. She followed the 50+ wears black rule carried a scooch too far at the Golden Globes but made it fresh and funky and her own.

This is playing it real safe but Carly looks good so no harm, no foul.

Lizzo has worn some REAL weird shit and as someone who gets hard for a flower of any flavor, I very much loved her being draped in a red garden here. Sure, it’s obnoxious, but it’s also kind of elegant to be drowning in fabric on a red carpet, makes me think of Bridgerton-esque mating season. You wanna marry me? FIND ME UNDER THE LAYERS OF FLOWERS, DUKE.

I fuck with a coordinated look. Don’t get me wrong, this supporting cast of characters will absolutely give me nightmares. However, Kim and Sam are SERVING here. Veils and pimp hats and canes, oh my!

That is a MF’ing topknot right there. That thing has LEVELS. I’m also into this witchy cloak the Queen is rockin.

That is a jacket fit for a gentleman with the ability to spit straight bars without taking a breathe.

I love the fact that Bonnie came to the show in probably the same sassy blazer and black skinny combo that she’s been struttin for years and walked home with Song of the Year ripping it from all of today’s biggest pop stars. What a boss move.

Not as coordinated as the Rock and his lady but each look amazing in their own right.

Remember when Nelly used to wear a sweatsuit, fitted and bandaid under his eye? HE GROWN. Look at him now! Damn. (No worries…he revisited the good ole days for his performance so never forget he can do BOTH. Sweat AND suit. #tbt)

Red seems to be the color of the night and I can groove with this studded leather set. Plus I actually own that leather hat.

I’d give you a million dollars to guess who this is and there’s NO SHOT you’d win it by guessing Michelle Branch. She hasn’t hit the age threshold for a black dress requirement yet but she looks cool as hell in it. The shades really add an air of Fuck All the Way Off. It’s funny how Pharell’s shades make him look like he gets an Oat Milk Latte every morning and Michelle’s make her look like she’s hungover from closing down the club last night and only showed up as a favor to us all. Sunnies can make a statement, folks. That’s why I have a whole wall of them.

Never love a bare chest but a sparkle bomber is always going to get a stamp of approval from me. And a quarter-zip no less? My lord.

Fat Joe not lookin so fat anymore! Good for you, man. What I am confused about is why this trim, trendy lookin MF’er did not get his 30 second spotlight during the History of Hip-Hop to lean back. Fat Joe WAS Hip-Hop in the 2000’s. To not feature him in that segment is pure robbery. At least his geometric Barbie shades are cool as hell.

I will forever bow down to a Crop Coords Tay. When she rolled out the 1989 era in 2014 and exclusively wore crop coordinates for 2 solid years, I scrambled on out to Target and bought my own set. And you know what’s some real shit? I had the PEAK body for a crop top at this time and I only wore that outfit twice. I should’ve been wearing it to work instead of a drunken night that ended in a gas station photoshoot. Here’s me getting snagged by the paps. TYSM to Taylor for inspiring a movement of upper mid section flashing, making being a girl who doesn’t want to flash all her bits, just as sexy.

What a lovely pink feathery exploszj. It’s a little off-putting that she’s wearing the same motion capture suit they make you wear when they’re turning you into a video game. That floof of soft pink really distracts from it though and all I could think was FUN AND SOFT! (It’s possible I was accidentally overserved this evening…by myself.)

GIMME THIS JACKET, BUB.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Threw you for a curveball here, huh? Apparently all we needed to do was pull Hillary Scott away from Lady A and she’s dressed to the damn nines. I’ve never seen her look this chic. Usually we see the jacket and shorts or jacket as a mini dress angle but full-length tuxedo jacket? Yes ma’am! I find this soft white look with minimal makeup and jewels to be elegant as hell and stood out to me among the rest.

Not at all red carpet relevant but my only tweet from last night that got any attention was this one…

If there’s one thing I can take away from Grammy’s Twitter, it’s that Ben Affleck needs to be rescued.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) February 6, 2023

And if you need a good, deep belly laugh to get you through this Monday, might I suggest you cruise through Ben Affleck at the Grammys twitter. From just a few photos/video clips, the world gathered that Ben Affleck was basically on suicide watch as JLo’s arm candy and it was the most unexpected goss of the evening. I also happened to stumble upon a TikTok of Ben and Jen at a party and if you read Ben’s lips it looks like he’s shouting “I didn’t have a drink” and then “JEN” and she looks pissed. And to that I say, she should’ve read my letter before she married him. No but seriously though, all jokes aside, I give them 2 years before this implodes. I even texted my sister about it after all the hustle and bustle of last night. So it’s official. My prediction is out in the world and I guess we’ll just have to wait for the text (or the email, on the JLo) when it crumbles. But until then, we will joke about Ben wanting to be at Dunks instead and make more memes of his displeased face.

(Obviously I followed up that psychotic response with a gif of the movie the problem child where the kid is dressed as a devil and laughing, because taking pleasure in other people’s pain is truly terrible behavior. At least I’m self aware.) Here’s some Twitter highlights:

Ben Affleck looks like he’s thinking about the best sandwich he ever ate in his life and then remembering that place closed down. pic.twitter.com/BUC9trJUEb
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) February 6, 2023

Someone please check on Ben Affleck #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/W8A5hVb6LJ
— Chicks in the Office (@ChicksInTheOff) February 6, 2023

Ben Affleck during a commercial pic.twitter.com/lzKtdUdfUa
— Queen Anne of Hedonia 🦒 (@MissBeteNoire) February 6, 2023

The Salty Ju

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