I wasn’t going to blog this year’s Met Gala because it takes for-ev-er to dig through 100+ photos and then comment on each lewk AND there was a distinct disrespect for the theme even more this year than any other. And yet, here we are. Can’t keep a bitch gagged when celebrities are dressing stupid. (Plus I was bullied by a fan.)

This year’s theme “Fashion is Art” is so friggin ambiguous that it basically was no theme at all. Everyone wore whatever the hell they wanted. Do people do that every year? Of course. But there’s usually SOME cohesiveness to the elite invite attendees. This year the only tying theme seemed to be nips. Midas whale have declared the theme “Areolas is Art” because I saw so many real and fake nipperonis it was like a titty bar at the Met. In fact, why don’t we go ahead and declare next year’s theme NUDITY. Since these rich bitches cannot be bothered to follow the theme, it might actually be the first year my eyes have a much-needed break from getting every nook and cranny of a celeb’s Ozempic-ridden, surgically altered body shoved at them. I wrote this exact thing in 2024…do we think maybe it’s time to COVER UP?!

“I’m praying this is the only ‘oopsie, I’m naked’ look of the night because I want to take this trend and shove it up the next girl’s cooch who does it. SINCE WHEN DID BEING FULLY NUDE BECOME FASHION? I’m so sick of seeing everyone’s slops yabs and pikachus. You could have the most beautiful body on this earth and I don’t care to see it fully on display like you’re a G-D French sculpture. This is America. And in America, we cover our bits when we’re in mixed company. Kindly get your buttcrack out of my face. I don’t want to have to ask again.”

Here’s my most recent fashion endeavor. I went to brunch on Sunday to celebrate my birthday with a friend and she gifted me with a tiara, which I obviously immediately perched atop my head for the duration of our meal. I basically could’ve worn this to the Met because tiara=fancy and I’m also wearing my clogs, which haters have degradingly compared to what art teachers wear, so I put about as much effort in as 98% of the crowd last night.

Here’s what we’ve got divided up into categories that I created. First we’ll get our “I don’t give a fuck that there’s a theme, I’m going to wear a normal gown as if I’m going to an awards show” lamewads out of the way. Do they look good? Usually. But they’re not following the rules and therefore they should be publicly shamed.

RULE BREAKERS

Kicking off with some fiery flames of hell anger directed toward this twat. She has absolutely DOMINATED the celebrity news cycle for 2 years now over a takedown of Justin Baldoni for one of the WORST movies ever made. She hammered it home over and over and over and over again how much he “violated” her etc and then when this thing is finally going to go to trial, she realized she wasn’t going to win because everyone has figured out what a total asshat her and her husband are and that all of this was a sneaky power move so she settles rather than losing. She’s still going to pretend she won though because she doesn’t live in reality. They release a bullshit joint statement today and then she sashays over to the Met Gala to show pony in this stupid pastel gown? NOT ON MY WATCH, BABE. Get her out of Hollywood forever I never want to see her face again. Also, you know this is true hate-fire because I once dedicated an entire blog to how much I love Blake Lively. Back in the dizzle when I thought she was amazing. BUT NOT ANYMORE. YA COOKED.

This is almost over the top plain for her. Like when 90’s movies made girls “ugly” by giving them glasses and a ponytail so they could have a makeover scene where they give her contacts and a blowout. It’s comically understated.

Pretty! But not sure how it’s art.

Credit where credit is due, she would’ve been most likely to show up n00d and understood that this was an honor to attend and not a set at Coachella.

I do love post-divorce glow up Nicole, but she’s on the Gala board and laughed in the face of the theme. Uh uh, not cool.

Stunning. Not art.

Meh. I might’ve read somewhere that these flowers on her dress are like super expenny (I learned that fun abbrev from my Aussie friend) and designer so that’s why critics are into this but this is Hollywood, everything is over the top and expensive and wearing a black flower ain’t cutting it for House of Freaks fashion night.

Bow boobs! Another look that the red carpet squawkers were like SHE SLAAAAYYYYS and I was like huh?

Broadway’s biggest scandal and apparently above the rules. Deepest of eye rolls.

BOOOOOOOO. If you disrespect the theme so boldly, your invite should be forever rescinded. Put me on the board, I’ll whip this gala into SHAPE.

Gorge but NOT art.

I wonder if there’s ever a showdown between someone who just wore a plain black gown and Heidi Klum. Another rule I would make. They have to walk the stairs together and fight for the attention of the paps.

Love this kewl guy fit but it’s giving Grammys more than anything.

She looks stunning and I’m obsessed but this is an awards show fit.

Adorable 50’s housewife glam gown…naaaht art.

Alright, our last snoozer. Onto the next crew…

THEME ATTEMPTERS

The majority of the celebs rolling through this fashion popularity contest is going for SOME sort of vision (nips), but it’s not necessarily in line with the designated theme. A for effort, C for execution.

NUDITY! Our first, but certainly not last, nipple of the eve. Imagine not only letting your bare dawgs traipse all over these dirty ass stairs, but also having to hold your dress up or risk being just fully in your birthday suit.

Don’t care if you were in fashion’s biggest movie (part 2), you cannot convince me wearing pearl suspenders is trendy.

Shaggy dog but make it chic.

He is an honorary Pink Lady for the eve. I don’t hate it.

I know Rihanna is QUEEN of the Met and everyone salivates for her look each year. She looks great as always and the coloring, makeup, and jewels are on point. But what the hell is this circular orb supposed to represent? A nest? THE RING? A black hole in the universe? I guess if it’s ART, it’s open to interpretation. So I’m going with the ring. Don’t stare directly at it or she’ll crawl out of your TV.

Honestly this is what Stevie Nicks wears on any given Monday so she’s not getting credit for this.

If the theme was Cinderella in rags (sans fairy godmother magic) who got assaulted on her way to the ball, then I think she nailed it.

If the theme was gladiator, this would’ve been perf!

Babe, it’s finally spring. Lose the neck warmer. I cannot think of winter ever again.

Honestly have no clue what’s going on here but she looks amahzing.

Nudity but classy because your nips are more camouflaged with this trendy color.

Oh ok disco ball glam! This is fierce.

I don’t know what’s happening with the black fabric but I cannot get past the sandals. I don’t know why but I’m hyper-fixated on them. Toga party to the max.

Don’t know anything about the former Mr. Swift but he kinda always seemed like a wiener & if this was my ex-boyf I’d be giggling the most about this Aladdin get-up.

I’m assuming this is coordinated with Kylie/Kim’s and they’re clearly riding hard for Skims nipple corsets, but having just the top of this fake nipple peek out is so pointless. It looks like a wardrobe malfunction.

Between the peacock eye shadow and the matador get-up, I’m utterly confused.

Lots of leather on the men. I don’t hate it but I also don’t know what they were going for other than “we’re straight and we don’t want to dress like buffoons but also want to try something new.”

OH BOY OH BOY would I love to know what kind of financial-related statement a privileged and LOADED Hollywood actress playing dress-up in a very expensive gown is trying to make here. Honestly there’s no opinion I value more than rich people when it comes to money. fffffuuuuuuuuuck all the way offfffffff with this shit. Unrelated to my rage, does she have a handler escorting her around because I assume she cannot see? If so, then that’s offensive to actual blind people who need seeing eye dogs so OFF WITH HER DOLLAR BILL HEAD.

Would’ve been fab for the garden party theme of 2024. A scooch late on the florals.

Anna Wintour does what she wants. Period. I will say this is a little louder than she usually goes so good fa her.

ERECT FEATHER

If you’ve followed along for the last decade you know by now that there’s some celebs that just rub me the wrong way and I’ll never be down with them. This B is one. We got a well-deserved break from her for many years and now, unfortunately, she is clawing her way back to relevancy by releasing a memoir about when she used to be relevant. I cannot wait for this press tour to be over. This outfit is an assault on my retinas.

Genuinely wondering if someone gave her a bat, spun her around 3 times and let her take a few shots at the piñata above. Maybe that’s how said piñata ended up with bruises on her legs. Not a great blindfold.

A lace beauty. No notes. There’s a reason she gets proposed to by hot leading men like it’s going out of style.

Again with the masks. I know this is an attempt to do something, what that something is? I guess we’ll never know.

Mmmmmmmurkey brown latex! Yum!

Furreal, get all remnants of winter out of my face before I LOSE MY FREAKIN MIND.

Now we’re just doing Halloween? It’s like 2026 The Village People.

Sweet polka dot halter top, bruh.

She should’ve kept the fencing mask on. I’ve never seen a more collectively hated celeb who just keeps coming outside and creating a spectacle of herself. Homegirl does NOT read the room.

Ah, the ole ass cage. Bottom basket. Picnic pooper.

Can confirm: cropped jacket on a man? Immediate ick.

Covered the nips, left the undies. How demure.

I actually love this and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her go for a bold look. She gets points for that but none for theme-ing.

This is an instant migraine.

The deepest of eye rolls honestly I’m not going to beat a dead model but just scroll up and read my previous rants about nudity if you want to know what I think of this hoochie mama showing her na-na’s.

I don’t know if she was going for A Bug’s Life or what but I want to give a shout out for someone with a normal body weight. That’s a portruding stomach, ladies and gents. And I’ve never been more chuffed to see representation for the IBS community because this is exactly what my midsection looks like after a week of constipation and bloating. (Seems obvious but important to state that my rack does not match hers.) Either way, I appreciate you, Black Beetle.

All her girleez show up with pointy nips and Kris is like I’ll just roll through in a bedazzled kimono. yeah sure ok. That’s the definition of leaving the discomfort fashion statements for the youths and wearing jammies because you’re old and you just wanna be cozy. To be clear in my 35th year, I have graduated to exactly where Kris is. Cozy always. I cannot believe I used to wear heels and corsets in college. What a time.

Big-time cool Egyptian vibezzzzzz. Also, having a shortie for a huz and wearing heels PLUS a giant topper on your head to tower above him is the ultimate confidence.

On what planet is doing geriatric face fashion? Also you’re not fooling anyone Bad Bunny, no old man is wearing a GIANT bow. At least be accurate if you’re going to cosplay as a nursing home resident. Don’t insult the elderly community.

SEVENTY NINE YEARS OLD. SEVENTY NINE. To be clear, when I was sharing my commentary on what olds wear, Cher was most obviously not included in that. She looks better than I do and I’m less than half her age. Let er rrriiiip.

Woof this is Kool-Aid bad.

To be clear, covering your nipz but leaving your underboob droopin out is equally as offensive to my peepers.

This is a horror movie in one photo. Even Madonna herself looks scared.

I cannot believe this is Blue Ivy. I have vivid memories of hearing her very first cry on a Jay-Z track to announce her birth and she is GROWN. She’s not following the theme but she looks like new age Mia Thermopolis and she’s quite literally royalty so let her slay.

What in the ever loving FUCK am I looking at?! Are those boobs on her shoulders?! ENOUGH WITH THESE MOTHER FUCKING NIPPLES ON THESE MOTHER FUCKING STAIRS. I’m done. If I could remove my own nipples at this point I would because I never want to see another one ever again.

RULE FOLLOWERS – ON THEME (According to me)

We’ll give the fake nipple brigade their flowers or tassels, whatever they prefer. These very unrealistic corsets/body tins are actually pretty on par with fashion as art. They’re turning themselves into actual nipply statues. Say nipple again.

I guess they all got ready together.

This one I was tipped off via caption that she was mimicking a painting of herself and then I had to look up said painting. You’re welcome for staying up past my bedtime on a school night to do the legwork for you. Pretty solid painting come to life moment.

AN OPTICAL ILLUSION!!! I love the fake ass mannequin arms holding up her veil. Just the right amount of drama. Bookmarking this photo for future wedding inspo because if I don’t have a veil poised perfectly over my head by plastic arms, can I even get married?

Dark take on Spring, but damnit if a nest of flowers sculpted around your waist is art!

A scenic painting suit! To all of the men who wore black leather suits, take notes. Thiiiiis is how you dooooo iiiiittt (read in Montell voice only.)

I don’t know art THAT well but I think wearing a damn baby mobile on your dome piece counts. There’s a whole lot going on here and I like none of it.

Teyana Taylor wore something very similar to one of the awards shows this year and it was one of the only looks I gave her props for. This one is a lot louder, colorwise, but still very cool that this is all done with sequins.

This looks like one of those edgy downtown art galleries where all of the installations are made from trash. Again, furthest thing from an art critic or even spectator (I think the last time I looked at art was when I studied abroad in Italy and that was just a bunch of ceramic dicks) but it feels like we’re making a technology vs earth statement here. Mostly because she’s adorned in seaweed and computer chips/cords. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make that correlation. Something tells me she doesn’t shop at Shein.

UGH let’s just be done with this attention whore. Apparently she doesn’t get enough eyeballs for her annual Halloween costume unveiling so she needs to run it back at the Met now too? We get it, you have the top of the top makeup artists on retainer. Kewl. All the credit should obviously go to them because this is amazing work. But I HATE to give any applause to this woman who needs kudos like she needs air to breathe.

A dress made from film is unique and perfect for the occasion. I love how the bodice of that dress looks. There’s no way it’s comfortable but that’s fashion, baby!

THIS IS SO COOL. This is exactly what I expect to see for this theme.

My favorite of the night without hesitation. It’s ICONIC. I wonder what ole dollar bill over the eyes Sarah Paulson thinks of this extravagant show of riches. How much we thinkin that head to toe skelly of Diamonds soaks ya? The gown itself is a statement but we’re talking about Queen B here and she ain’t a queen without an equally as blinged out headdress. And then some fuck you feathers to polish it off. DECADENCE, honey.