THE FINALE HAS ARRIVED. What could possibly upstage a season full of aggress and exhausting bitches fighting? A party with creepy magicians and even more fighting, duh. Adrienne “I now do magic” Maloof throws a party that no one remembers, or no one wants to remember, either way it sucks but we’ll get to that later. First we must tie things up in the desert with a pretty bow so that everyone can pretend Kim and Kyle are the two best sisters that anyone has ever seen. Kyle makes Kim breakfast, which is shocking because she’s the baaaaby and the baby never has to do anything. (Suddenly I understand Kyle more than I ever have before.) And Kyle says that the reason everything has been swept under the rug for all of these years is because their mom always taught her girls not to air their dirty laundry in public. Do you think Kyle and Kim know what reality television even is? I think we’re past the airing of dirty laundry and onto the throwing their dirty laundry in everyone’s faces and telling them to sniff it or else.

After the sisters reunion that unfortunately did not end in the burying of Kim Richards in the desert, we’re treated to a sashay into Rinna’s supposedly normal life. She tells her teenage girls that it’s time to say goodbye to their childhood swing set. She brings them out back to take it down AKA watch Ricardo the groundskeeper take it down while they drank sparkling cider and celebrated never having to work a day in their lives. They’re not giving the perfectly functional swing set away, they’re literally throwing it in the trash. Cause that’s what rich people do. It keeps them grounded.

Speaking of being down to earth, Nicky Hilton is now an author, guys. It’s a book about fashion so let’s not get out of control here, I’m assuming it’s a picture book that she signed her name to and cashed in on. This is how we know we’re watching the finale, because they brought in the big guns, The Hilton family. Kyle, never one to let her more famous sister/nieces snag the spotlight hosts the book signing at her clothing store and says, “Nicky is always on fleek.” STOP TRYING SO HARD, KYLE. You’re an embarrassment to Nicky and Paris, which is saying a lot since their fame was circa 2001 for having sex and going to clubs. Speaking of A Night in Paris, the little amateur filmmaker arrives late and says hello to everyone and dasss it. No seriously…her air kisses and 1 minute of screen time were probably handsomely compensated from Bravo too. I hate America sometimes.

The night of Adrienne’s party that no one knows anything about is then upon us and on the limo ride there, Vincent the former child star and tennis pro brags to Yolanda about how he grew up next to the Jackson Five and Yo is like oh yeah, well I dated Julio Iglesias! At the party there are several weird masked performers and servers plucked straight from my nightmares and several of the women mention that Adrienne is nowhere to be found, but none of them seem all that bothered by it. It’s more of a comment that’s supposed to be made, kind of like “you look skinny” or “this Valium isn’t strong enough.” Since no one knows what this party is promoting but they know it must be promoting something, Lisa brings back the Maloof’s Hooves joke basically because she can and because Adrienne won’t be at the reunion to cry about it. Point, Lisa.

Camille is at the party and clearly didn’t get the memo that it’s against housewives code to look better than Yolanda because she’s wearing a spicy crop top and skirt coordinate and looks FIERCE. She uses her midsection to catch the attention of a Prince whose visiting Mauricio’s scary looking mother. It starts out cute and flirtatious and I’m all GO, CAMILLE…UPGRADE! And then I suddenly don’t ship it so hard when he starts making out with her in front of everyone and I remember this woman is past the BOMO stage of her life by like 20 years.

And then it’s FIGHTIN time, obviously. Lisa approaches Brandi to talk about THE SLAP and Brandi basically has a stage 10 meltdown and screams about her dad dying and being the best person in the world, grabs Lisa’s wrists tells her to go ahead and slap her back and then storms away. So that went swimmingly. Kim sits down at a table full of people who hate her and finds it to be an ideal time to address Rinna about what Kyle said that Rinna said that Brandi said. THIS IS A REAL SENTENCE THAT WAS STATED. It’s beyond me how these women don’t realize how stupid they sound, but I digress. Rinna, having quite vivid flashbacks to the last time she tried to have a convo with Kim in regards to sobriety, is obviously scared shitless and decides to be like everything you say is correct, Kim, you are the apple of my eye and a beautiful, fair princess. This pezzes Kyle off because she tried to start shit and it backfired so she teams up with Eileen to bully Rinna into telling Kim what was said. While all of this is happening, another magician appears onstage for a drawn out trick and out from behind the curtain pops Adrienne “I’m trying to get a Vegas act” Maloof in a black jumpsuit with a tacky sparkle bow. Not one person notices.

After Kim tells Rinna to go away and never talk to her again because she’s a liar, she goes straight to Brandi to confirm what was said. Brandi says she’s never once uttered the word intervention AS they play a clip of her saying the word intervention. Smooth. They make up and Rinna comes over at the tail end to say glad we got that solved, guys–let’s have a group hug. Kyle also tries to jump on that train and Brandi shouts TRAINS LEAVIN, GET OUTTA HERE. And so the beef continues…to be solved at the reunion? Probably not.

In conclusion, the housewives all get freeze frames and a few sentences to wrap up where they are now as if this is an enlightening documentary that we’re intrigued to follow up on, and not a television show about rich women who continue their fights on twitter for all to keep abreast on while they’re not filming. I’ll sum the closing remarks up as best as I can…

Yolanda: Has fabulous successful model daughters and looks glam in a hospital bed.

Rinna: Continues to take bullshit roles on TV and still thinks her husband banged the dog.

Eileen: Still has that EMMY and is back doing dubs soap operas.

Lisa: Hates Brandi and wants grandkids.

Kim: Monty’s nurse 4 lyfe.

Kyle: Hates Kim’s stinkin guts and hasn’t talked to her since her daughter got bit by Kim’s dog.

Brandi: Still has a dad, still has no friends.

Extra Thoughts:

-The Kim/Monty saga is weird, right? Like I get that we’re trying to be respectful of a dying man but they’ve flaunted it on TV and now I feel like something needs to be said. Monty is described as like basically withering away but if there’s a black tie event, HE’S THERE. Even JR was like yeah I was just drinking with him, what a party animal! Also apparently Kim and Monty are BFF’s who kiss on the lips. Get it, Monty!

-Does Brandi have a rule that whenever she goes to a party, she must wear something that barely covers her nipples and she has to tug at and hold all night? Girl is just full of good ideas.

-Adrienne humble bragging about her foray into the magic world and Kathy Hilton dropping her down a peg or 100 with “Oh, you do magic now?” wins best moment of the night BY FAR. Once again, Kathy Hilton wins my heart. Although I would never want Kathy to stoop to Housewives level of thirsty fame, I can only pray that she makes as many cameos next season as she did this one.

Hallo, (that’s Dutch for Hello) because you guessed it, we’re STILL in Amsterdam and I’m STILL uncomfortable. Hasn’t this country been through enough? Haven’t I been through enough? Apparently not, because this week’s episode paired a gentleman my age (23) with Brandi Glanville and I’ve officially lost all hope with men. Yep, Brandi (42 years old) is hanging and banging with one of Max Vanderpump’s school buddies. It’s one thing to do this in the privacy of your rented home, but to film your sloppy date and give everyone else the cringes is a whole different ball game. Girl clearly has no problem with it though, or coming off as a thirsty middle aged woman because she gets slob kebab drunk with this Amsterman (can we call him a man yet?), describes him as a “beautiful cock” (WEE-OOOWW WEEE-OWWWW here come the Uncomfortable Police) and then asks for tongue kisses at dinner (insert monkey covering mouth full of puke emoji.) AHH, MY EYES. Also, not to distract from the real problem at hand THE SLAP, Lisa obviously still hates Brandi and wouldn’t accept flowers from her…and I’m guessing isn’t in LOVE with the fact that she’s now at penetration station with someone Lisa used to serve sliced apples and PB to after school.

Speaking of everyone who hates Brandi, the ladies go to dinner while Brandi is on the precursor to a Lifetime movie date, and squeal like little piggies with delight that she won’t be joining them. They prove how grateful they are that she’s not there by then spending the majority of their dinner talking shit about her. This is how women celebrate. Duh. Then the conversation naturally transitions to live sex shows and ladies shooting objects out of their coochies. Don’t eva change, housewives. Yo also reminds us that she’s a flawless human being when she goes to tell a story and not so casually name drops that she used to date Julio Iglesias. Although I’m sure that this man was a spicy hunk taco when he was younger, my sources (the Google) says this is what he looks like now and no offense Yo, we probably could’ve gone without that very pointed toss of a name. Even Windmill guy looks better than this ole leather bags.

Not a minute too soon, the ladies all return to their diamond caves of Beverly Hills to rehash the trip from hell to anyone who will listen (each other.) Yolanda goes to watch Brandi get a facial and ask her why she’s gotta be such a dick all the time. Brandi cries a lot. Adrienne “Parched for Fame” Maloof is back for her monthly paycheck and apparently she’s friends with Kim. Who knew? Kim retells the night of wine glass slamming to Adrienne, with the help of flashbacks (as if we could ever forget) and artfully glosses over the fact that she acted like a real psycho that night. Adrienne is sympathetic and comforting, hm I wonder why…Meanwhile, Rinna and Kyle talk about how they still have Amsterdam PTSD that keeps them up and night and upping their dosages of Xanax for fear of Kim’s triumphant revenge. Nothing new here, except for the fact that Rinna narc’s on Brandi suggesting an intervention for Kim. Kyle’s eyes get a glimmer as she sticks that juicy tidbit into her cleavage for later.

Later comes sooner than expected when Kyle invites Kim out to the desert to kill her and bury her body underneath the house she stole from Kim. Ah, sisters. Kyle muses on her limo ride up, “I have a love affair with the desert.” I picture an actual affair with a cactus, that is until I see the sprawling mansion with massive infinity pool in the backyard. I too, have a love affair with the desert. The ladies exchange pleasantries about the house that Kyle has basically never been to in the three years she’s owned it, go figure, and reminisce about their childhood days frolicking around a different mansion in a hotter climate. This is all good and well, but for me, Kim really missed an opportunity here to take one look at Kyle’s maxi dress with actual flames printed on it and make a desert forest fire joke about it. As in, that dress should be ablaze in a forest fire rather than on your bodice. But whatever. The sisters Richards (sans Kathy, sigh.) hash out their 50 years of conflict and suppressed anger, starting with the recent Poker Party, Choke slam fight, and then quickly hopping all the way back to the stolen house. No seriously, the YOU STOLE MY HOUSE fight is still happening. Kyle slips that insider info out of her pushup bra that Brandi has been floating around a Kim intervention. Kim finally has enough and flips the bipolar switch, shouting YOU’RE LYING, amping up the crazy eyes and jabbing that finger of hers. This comes to a brief intermission because the burgers that no one saw Kyle put on the grill because she most certainly has a chef in the desert, are burning. Kyle cries over the burgers or Kim or whatever and Kim gives her a hug and says she loves her. Hugsies and tearsies in the desert and we’ve efficiently swept the sisters Richards heaping pile of shit under the Turkish rug. Next week is the season finale, at Adrienne “I want to be known as a party planner” Maloof’s soiree with magicians and our final round of public smackdowns, before the two-part reunion, OBV.

Welcome back to the Damn of Amster because Bravo is not yet finished with making a beautiful country into a lame pun. Last week was the wine glass throw down of Rinna vs. Kim and the street shouting of Brandi vs. Kyle and believe me, all is NOT forgotten, even though the ladies try their best to sweep that shit up into a wooden clog and tuck it out of sight.

The day activities consist of splitting off into teams. Yo wakes up feeling too tired to leave bed, because Lyme disease and so she ducks out for the day (I would too if my choices were to hang out with these assholes or lounge in a five star hotel.) Rinna decides to go shopping with Brandi, Kim and Lisa because she knows that if she goes with Kyle and Eileen they’ll just talk shit about Kim the whole time and she’s hashtag over it.

While out and about, the shopping crew of deviants make a bunch of sexual jokes about back scratchers at an upscale clothing store and then find their way into a sex shop. They look at nipple tassels and dildos and continue their general public display of American trashfest. Kim gets real jazzed about a dildo or something and gets into Rinna’s personal box to reenact how she should pleasure herself with it, Rinna doesn’t bounce a wineglass off of her though so I guess they’re buds now. To recap: talking about masturbating is AOK, talking about drinking is NOT. While they’re teaching each other how they spend their evenings, the “classier” duo of Kyle and Eileen explore the museums. Kyle feels it’s necessary to state I LOVE MUSEUMS right before she points out the dick size on a statue. She continues her campaign to remind us she was never really educated when she struggled to read the I Amsterdam sign that tourists take an obligatory picture in front of. After this busy day of stupidity I feel like a real rocket scientist.

Eileen tells everyone who will listen that she’s still ticked off about being called a beast with no apology from Kim. I mean, girl’s got a point. She sits down with Rinna to say that her reunion with Kim and acting like nothing happened is BS. Rinna says handle your own problems with Kim because I’m terrified of her showing up at my house in the middle of the night with Monty the scary ghost and a machete.

At night, Yolanda the Great emerges from her day of sleeping looking like a knockout in a white dress. Seriously does she ever look bad? She has organized a dinner cruise on the Canal with all of the ladies and even though she planned it she probably knows how terrible it is to pack a small river boat with women who drink and throw down every time they’re in the same room. This time there’s no escape from the inevitable fight that will break out so, plot twist.

Kyle can’t just sit with the girls and act normal as they take selfies and pretend they didn’t hurl glass at each other so she excuses herself to look like the victim, as always. While she’s pouting in the corner, Brandi stirs shit up with Eileen and it starts out nice and obviously takes a sharp left into bitchytown. She says Eileen called her an alcoholic and Eileen was like nope, def didn’t do that. To be clear, Eileen has absolutely played this game the correct way because TECHNICALLY she never called Brandi an alchie and Bravo’s got footage to prove it. She also never directly accused Kim of falling off the wagon. It’s almost as if Eileen has an Emmy or something because she knows exactly what she’s saying in front of the cameras and the two crazies don’t have a leg to stand on with their accusations. Brandi knows it too because she gets backed into a corner and then is like OKAY everyone this isn’t a soap opera…we’re trying to have a lovely night. Nice try, Brandi, you can’t light the fire and then put it out looking for hero worship. Simmer down.

Might we also take a 30 second T.O. to talk about how terribly hideous Lisa’s hat is and how distracting it is as it sits atop, literally perched, on her head? It’s almost worse than Eileen’s MK&A bucket hat from the wine tossing dinner, but still can’t beat that headwear catastrophe.

Anyway, back to the Lamb Chop Sing-along of fights, the fight that never ends. As the girls raise their voices and shout things at each other, they also clap their hands together like seals to emphasize the point they’re trying to make. It’s actually pretty hilarious to watch women clap and yell at each other. Brandi tries to close up shop on this conversation again by making an LOL about each woman at the table, she’s like Lisa will keep sleeping around LA and Kim will keep popping pills and I’ll keep tossing back drinks and Eileen will continue to be a home wrecker. And Eileen is like HOLDUP, twat. Kim the trusty sidekick is like oh, lighten up Eileen HAHA, knock, knock, you’re a home wrecker– it’s just a quick joke, no biggie. At this point Yo would like to go back to bed, instead she leaves and sits down for a nice peaceful dinner by herself. Some of the ladies start to follow suit except for Kyle, Brandi and Kim who continue their fight over the shell of a woman that Kim is. I don’t even pay attention to what they’re saying to each other because I’ve heard this fight roughly 5 times this season now and it only grabs my attention when they get physical. Yawn. I spend the majority of this time to figure out if the boat is actually moving or if they are still docked near land for safety precautions. Brandi says “Vice versa, homie.” (No seriously, she calls Kyle homie), the ladies shout at the top of their lungs that they wish each other happiness and jab their arms around and Kim cries.

Everyone limps over to the dinner table after they’ve filled up on their appetizer of pure hate and disgust. Lisa leaves her hat on at dinner, unfortunately. Yo is like maybe we get along or we find new friends to film a TV show with. Brandi decides for everyone that they’re going to get along by playing a game of go around the table and say something nice about each person. This went about as well as you would expect. I will now break down some of the most cringe worthy forced compliments I have ever heard:

Eileen:

Kim-You’re a good mom.

Brandi-You have nice eyes

Kyle- You’re generous and kind and have a good heart.

Yolanda:

Brandi- You have a good waist.

Lisa- You love your husband as much as I love mine. (Is this a compliment? Really, Lisa?)

Kyle- You have a good heart, blah blah (essentially the same thing she said to Eileen.)

Lisa:

Brandi- You have great taste.

Rinna:

Kim- I love your energy and your heart.

Kyle:

Kim- You’re a great mom (enough with the repeats, you couldn’t think of anything better for your own sister?)

Brandi- You have nice hair.

Kim:

Rinna- You are a winner had have a beautiful heart and soul and I love you.

Brandi- You’re a ray of sunshine and we’re friends for some F’ed up reason.

Brandi obviously only says superficial shit and that’s because she’s trying to keep it positive. She also abruptly cuts the game short before they can get to her because she knows everyone hates her and doesn’t need to hear fake compliments like she just forced everyone else to do. Kim’s round was when things got real weird. Like really, Rinna? YOU ALMOST CHOKED THIS WOMAN ONE NIGHT AGO…and now you love her and think she has a beautiful soul, Jesse McCartney style? Also I know that I have been referencing Bridesmaids a lot lately but Brandi’s drunk compliment to Kim absolutely IS this scene on the plane, right? Is Brandi trolling us?

In the end, they force Brandi to sit down and take a bunch of made up compliments and she reacts by getting very drunk and trying to kiss Lisa and “reenact Love Boat” as they leave for the night. Lisa tries to push her off like Brandi’s a drunk frat bro forcing herself onto her and Brandi is like HAHA let’s slap each other, I’ll go first and slaps Lisa across the face. The hat stays intact. NO MEANS NO, BRANDI. The next morning each woman involved in “The Slap” (not to be confused with the most promoted TV show about a child getting slapped ever to occur.) Obviously Brandi’s like lawlz, whoops and Lisa and Kyle are like she’s dead to me. Next week we’re STILL IN AMSTERDAM and then we’re not, and then there’s more fighting between the ray of sunshine with a beautiful soul and the one who has great hair. Also the return of Adrienne “I’m better than this show until I need a paycheck again” Maloof.