Tag Archives: Music

Music

Taylor Swift – The Life of a Showgirl

Hand up, I let getting priced out of the Eras Tour sour me on Taylor Swift for roughly 3 years. My last track by track Tay blog was 2022 for Midnights–where I was already coming to the realization that I was burnt out on Tay. When The Tortured Poets Department came out in April 2024 and it was THIRTY-ONE songs long, I had to put my foot down. Respectfully, no. Who do you think you are? Morgan Wallen?! I was teetering on the edge of never listening to a T.Swift song again out of pure spite and resentment. How you gonna tour for two FULL-ASS years and not fix the broken system that was your ticketing where only the insanely rich were able to snag tickets?! If people are flying to Paris to see you because a Euro vacay is cheaper than driving an hour to friggin MetLife, something ain’t right, sis. Obviously I’m still not over it. So imagine fuming every day that we hear about how epic this tour is and how it’s a can’t miss once in a lifetime event and then having a movie in theaters and a feature film length album dropping mid-tour. SALT IN THE WOUNDS, BABE. I needed to take a breatheroni from my Swiftie lifestyle. I also was a little put off by how crazy the fandom had been getting. She writes good songs and is a marketing mastermind, but I WILL NEVER CALL HER MOTHER. Not even if there’s a FIRE.

Ok, I needed to get that off my chest before I say that obviously once a swiftie, always a swiftie, and when the Eras Tour ended and football season was over and she wasn’t being jammed down my throat every five seconds, I was able to heal from this trauma and with the announcement of The Life of a Showgirl, I was ready to be hurt again. A respectable 12 tracks was a breathe of fresh air and now that I’ve listened to it on repeat all weekend, it’s time to bring back one of my favorite traditions (that I started ELEVEN years ago) of making a new Taylor Swift album all about me and telling you what songs are good purely based on my own opinions and musical taste.

1. The Fate of Ophelia.* I’ve never loved a track one this hard since “the 1.” First listen I was head boppin, and by the 50th rotation of the weekend, I was doing full body rolls in the shower. Yeah, you’re welcome for that visz. WHAT A BOP! As a self-proclaimed writer, I loooove the rule of three’s and it’s something I do a lot in my own writing…have you ever read a caption of mine that doesn’t list three things? Probs not. This song is the catchy version of that. Me, myself, and I. The land, the sea, the sky. Your hands, your team, your vibes. A chain, a crown, a vine. INJECT IT INTO MY VEINS. I’d also like to take a moment to pat myself on the back because for someone who retained almost nothing in my 16 years of schooling, I somehow pulled it out of my ass that Ophelia is a Shakespeare reference and I was RIGHT. Anyway, the overall theme of this song is that she was waiting for love and it finally came and thank GAWD because if it didn’t she would’ve gone mad and drowned herself like that sad ole B, Ophelia. And I’d officially like to put it in writing that if my soulmate doesn’t enter my life by December 21st like Starr the very reliable and trustworthy psychic predicted, I will suffer the fate of Ophelia.

Best Lyric: ‘Tis locked inside my memory
And only you possess the key
No longer drowning and deceived
All because you came for me
I love a good bridge and also using the word ‘Tis will ALWAYS make me think of Hocus Pocus (‘Tis firm as stone!) and it is currently HP season.

She dropped the music video over the weekend as well and it is STUNNING. The costumes and visuals jammed into 4 minutes are worthy of an Oscar and exactly why I still love music videos. What a lost art. BRING BACK TRL!

2. Elizabeth Taylor.* When the beat drops on “I cried my eyes violet” ya girl is READY to do a millennial stank face and break it down. Never did I think that the creator of White Diamond perfume who had 45 huzzies would make such a bangerang of a lyric. B2B upbeat songs with infectious choruses and I’m already pulled all the way in to showgirl life. I read an IG comment from someone getting irritated that people are hating on this album and they’re like she’s in love and happy and people who don’t appreciate that aren’t in love or happy. And ma’am, I beg to diff. I’m neither in love nor happy. I’m fighting for my life to afford each very expensive day while also being repeatedly punched in the boob from every bill increasing this month, to my very first ticket, to apparently owing a buttload more taxes from 3 years ago. And YET, I can still enjoy zesty peppy love songs. And THAT is the real life of a showgirl. (Probably. I’ll let you know for sure when I have to start working at a Jersey titty bar to afford rent next month.)

Best Lyric: Don’t you ever end up anything but mine

3. Opalite.* Is it incredibly annoying of me to star the first three tracks? Obviously. But she was in her BAG when she created this one, two, three punch of her tastiest licks on the whole album. Honestly, I could fall off after these three songs easily because in my mind the rest of the album doesn’t compare. Admittedly, I hated this song when I first heard it. BUT I acknowledged that the reason I hated it was also the reason it was a dynamite pop song and everyone else was going to eat that shit right up. I knew I had to get over the hump before I would quickly be just as into it as everyone else. The hump, of course, being the “OH OH OH OH OH!” Rubbed me the wrong way the first time I heard it. But much like a clap break, I know what makes a song infectious and shouty Oh’s is always gonna do it for the gen pop. So far everyone I’ve talked to and every review I’ve scanned has Opalite at the top of their list. Reasons I had to let the Oh’s grow on me? These lyrics speak directly to my soul. Right out the gate with “I had a bad habit Of missing lovers past
My brother used to call it ‘Eating out of the trash.'” DAYUMN, Austin Swift with the diss of the century. One that I needed to hear as I’ve been eating out of the trash for a kewl 6 years now. Will 2026 be the year of the Opalite sky for me?! If it’s not, pls scroll up to item 1 and read what I’ll do. Hint: drown myself.

PS I also love drawing attention to “perfect couples” telling us sad singles “when you know, you know.” That phrase and those couples can F all the way off. See? bitter girlies can still enjoy love songs and be happy for newly engaged lovers because I’m just dancing through the lightning strikes, baby!

Best Lyric: And what a simple thought You’re starving ’til you’re not

4. Father Figure. Not the worst, and not the best. Numero quatro is definitely a hard crash from the dance party that is 1-3, but it’s not a skip, either. It’s got “The Man” vibes in its clear “F*ck the patriarchy” lyrics. Do I ever want to see Taylor fully cross dress as a man for a music video again? In the words of Michael Scott, NOOO, GOD! NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But I also laughed out loud when she sang I can make deals with the devil because my dick’s bigger. Not only is she talking about her dick size, but it’s in the chorus?! That’s some grown woman, I say what I want shit. We’ve finally graduated from the Taylor that seemed to be trying out the F word for the first time on Midnights. And while we’re on the topic, my 8 year old niece, a “top swiftie”, basically can’t listen to any song on this album because Taylor is R rated in her thirties and she’s not going back. You want a clean version? She’ll slap you with her dick. And with a whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other, she’ll lean in real close and whisper, “I’ll protect the family.” And that’s mafioso Tay for you. She’s in her Godfather era. Kinda have to respect it.

Best Lyric: You’ll be sleeping with the fishes before you know you’re drowning

5. Eldest Daughter. As the youngest daughter, I hate this song. Kidding, that’s not why. I hate it because it’s slow, it feels out of place on this album, and it’s trying to do too many things at once. It’s a combination of what it’s like to be the eldest daughter and also an editorial on the state of the internet today. Just pick one topic per song, babes. I couldn’t get on board with this one and it will probably be skipped in future rotations. The beginning of it almost sounds like a late night show host put mean tweets to a piano ballad as a bit. “Everybody’s so punk on the internet” as the opening line? As my niece would say, that’s so cringe 😘.

Best Lyric: And things I said were dumb ‘Cause I thought that I’d never find that Beautiful, beautiful life

6. Ruin the Friendship.* I might be going through heavy The Summer I Turned Pretty withdrawals but the first handful of lyrics I was CONVINCED this song was written about Belly and her boyfriend brothers Jere and Connie. I was like HOW COOL IS THAT?! TSITP uses Taylor songs to score every episode and Tay gives them a wink back by writing a song about their characters?! I was gassed until I actually listened to the lyrics and they took a much darker turn. I guess she wasn’t singing about Bellz keeping it in the family. According to superfans/the internet she’s singing about a friend from high school who passed away. WompWOMPP. Same friend Forever Winter was written about, which is another sleeper hit. Anyway, I digress. I think the lesson learned here is always kiss your friends even if they don’t want it. Unsolicited kissing 4eva.

Best Lyric: But as the 50 Cent song played Should’ve kissed you anyway

*Note: the lyrics from the last two songs really stunk and I struggled with picking just one so I’ll go with 50 cent getting a shoutout because Get Rich or Die Tryin makes me nostalgic for high school and we love a pop culture moment just as much as we still love Fiddy.

7. Actually Romantic. Tay doesn’t do social media beef, she lyrically eviscerates her enemies. I mean, if I was Kimmy K, I wouldn’t have left my house again after Thank You Aimee was released. Now it appears she’s turned her sword (pen) on Charli XCX. I’ll remind you once again that I spent 3 years rolling my eyes at everything Taylor-related and even was in the “her relashe with Travis is a PR stunt” camp basically up until they got engaged. Which means I missed all of this goss that apparently while Taylor was slumming it with that dirtbag Matty Healy, Charli was engaged to the drummer of the 1975. Charli wrote a song “Sympathy is a Knife” where she said she didn’t want to see her backstage at her boyfriend’s show and crossed her fingers they’d break up quick. People assumed it’s about Taylor and now we’re assuming this clapback is about Charli. None of this is confirmed, it’s all hearsay, which is my friggin sweet spot. I love gossip and I don’t care about the environment. (Mindy Kaling quote that happens to fit my brand.) If it’s NOT about Charli, it’s just romanticizing living rent-free in your h8er’s head. And that’s pretty genius. It’s the 2025 version of “why are you so obsessed with me?!”

PS I’m picking up on heavy Olivia Rodrigo “Sour” sounds. I don’t know if that has to do with anything, but I’m willing to bet someone on TikTok will have a 5 minute video telling me it means she hates her too because of a look that was given 5 years ago at an awards show or something.

Best Lyric: It’s kind of making me wet (Oh)
This made me laugh out loud. It’s too perfect. Taunting someone who hates you by saying how much they think about you makes you wet. It’s so disgusting and so amazing and I’m here for the random jarring lyrics she keeps splashing in.

8. Wi$h Li$t. I want to love this song but I really hate when she sings in the high register in breathy porn star voice. Love the sentiment of this tune but wish we could’ve just sung it regular style. Material things don’t bring you happiness, but you know what does? Love and having your football player fiance’s kids, BB! That’s the American dream. Since Travis is beefy and Taylor is super tall, those should be really manageably sized babies that definitely won’t ruin her downstairs forever. Honestly, you can tell it’s past my bedtime if that’s where I just took this very wholesome song about having a basketball hoop in your suburban driveway instead of owning a yacht. SOMEONE PUT HER TO BED BEFORE SHE REFERENCES THE TEARING THAT HAPPENS IN CHILDBIRTH. Ok, goodnight.

Best Lyric: Please, God, bring me a best friend who I think is hot
I wake up every day and pray for this.

9. Wood. Let’s start off by stating the obvious. She sampled “I Want You Back” by the Jackson Five. I don’t have the physical album and thus cannot look in the liner notes to see if she gave credit to them, but rumors are swirling that she didn’t and that there are several songs on this album that sound exactly like other songs. I don’t think the biggest popstar in the world would be that dumb to not admit to sampling or mimicking popular beats, but I’m not the beat police. So I’m just putting it out there and we’re gonna keep it moving.

When I heard the sexual innuendo lyrics to this song I thought surely my Spotify has shuffled me on over to Sabrina Carpenter’s latest album. Because make no mistake, this is a Sabrina Carpenter song on a Taylor Swift album. I respect what Sabrina is doing in the “hot female who likes sex and makes catchy tunes that reference getting banged girl power anthem” space. She’s got her thing. She’s good at it. Only she can get away with an album cover with her on her knees and a “who me?!” expression on her face. Taylor has a completely different style. She didn’t show her belly button for like the first 10 years of her career. She didn’t swear in a song until 5 years ago. She’s amazing at weaving these tall tales in lyrics. This song felt cheap to me. It’s one thing to sneak in a jarring lyric here and there for a giggle, it’s another to make a whole dirty joke song. It felt like it didn’t belong and almost like she got wine drunk with Sabrina and slurred, “imagine if I wrote a song about being dick-matized by Trav!” And then they wrote it in a fit of cocky giggles, but then she accidentally recorded it and released it to the world. Perhaps it was just a bit that went too far. We’ve all been there before. BUT…it’s also got an undeniable 1971 hook that you immediately recognize, which makes you want to shimmy shake despite the horned up lyrics. So I’m truly torn. If you’re feeling spicy at a girls night and need a groove fest then smash play, but I can also understand it takes a particular mood to feel like hearing someone noodle on about their man’s noodle.

Best Lyric: Girls, I don’t need to catch the bouquet, mm To know a hard rock is on the way

10. CANCELLED!* As a certified Rep lover, I can always get down with a song that sounds like it belonged in Tay’s snake bad gurl era. I love when she sprinkles them in on other albums, like Rep Tay will never truly die, kinda like Vigilante Shit. Much like her witchy we ride at dawn hooded cloak days, this one is for the ladies and she’s standing up for cancel culture coming after women more than men. And folks, she’s not wrong. If you’d like a hard example, look no further than Charlie Sheen’s most recent doc, where he details the decades of absolute deplorable behavior between drug use and rampant sex and then turning that drug use and rampant sex into a brand that he legitimately TOURED across the country. Never once cancelled. In fact, that tour sold out. People wanted more. Charlie and Nicholas Cage are drunk/high on a commercial flight in the 90’s, get on the loudspeaker to tell everyone the plane is going down ‘as a prank’ and the cops chuckle and tell them never to do it again when they deplane. THAT’S SHOW BIZ, BABY. If women did that they would be put into a conservatorship under a man for the majority of their adulthood. Oh wait…

PS I refuse to believe this song is about Blake. That would also be like eating from the trash for Taylor. Way beneath her.

Best Lyric: Did you girlboss too close to the sun?

11. Honey. Another meh song for me. Doesn’t quite hit like the others. It does, however, make me think of the 2003 HIT blockbuster film “Honey,” where Jessica Alba plays a white girl living and teaching hip hop in the hood to underprivileged youth. That movie is TENS and if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor. Soundtrack and choreography are LIT. Even made my highly anticipated Top Ten Dance Movie Montages back in 2017.

Best Lyric: You could be my forever-night stand, honey

12. The Life of a Showgirl Ft. Sabrina Carpenter. HEY! If it feels like the album flew right by it’s because that’s what happens when it’s not THIRTY ONE SONGS DEEP. The titular track features Sabrina (kinda weird to not feature her on Wood, but understand why two girls singing about one girls’ treasure could be confusing) and also uses the exact beat and cadence of “Cool” by the JoBros. I waffle back and forth on loving this song. Some days I’m all in especially because a clapping song is like crack to me and some days we get to that very musical theater riff in the middle and I’m like this is not what I signed up for. If I want a little musical theater, I’ll pop on the Greatest Showman soundtrack and circus-rock my face off. Yesterday, my friend sent me this meme, which is in itself hilarious and I’m here for the mild trolling of Travis being a total dum-dum, especially because they both lean into it:

But also nothing exemplifies that take more than the first line of this song: Her name was Kitty Made her money being pretty and witty They gave her the keys to this city. I mean, we’re looking at one fish two fish red fish blue fish…at best. Which brings me to my main point in addressing all of the hate this album has received in such a short period of time. People are wondering how she could have these long poetic songs with deep literary references and then also put out a song that rhymes kitty, pretty, witty, and city in one line. As if Taylor hasn’t been doing this for her entire career.

Folklore, Red, and Reputation are my top three T.Swift albums and I like them all for completely different reasons depending on where I was in my life and what resonated most with me at that time. I’m not sitting here comparing these songs to the storytelling of Folklore, or the gut-wrenching lyrics of All Too Well because they’re nothing alike. Lots of time has passed. I’m at a different place in my life, one that really just needs some fun songs to beebop along to and feel good. And Taylor happens to also be at a fun, lighthearted place in life. Did I bitch when she put out Lover while I was going through a break-up? Yes, but I still appreciated the album for what it was and found songs I could relate to (death by a thousand cuts.)

It’s just not that serious, people. Sometimes music scratches an itch in your ear and this album does that for me. I don’t care that the lyrics are simple and kinda dumb. I like it and you don’t have to. Plus, remember when you’re ranting on socials about how this album sucks, all your hating just soaks Tay’s undies anyway. 😂 Now excuse me while I order a feather headdress from Amazon and sashay around my kitchen like my favorite IG follow, Justin Anderson, who also appreciates a good pop song with lyrics that aren’t that deep.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DPY_BB3jdJO/

Best Lyric: Do you wanna take a skate on the ice inside my veins?

Standard
Salty Stories

WELP, I Tried. – Part One

Welcome to the summer of solo adventures that shall never be repeated.

A lie that I told myself to get through one of the loneliest and darkest winters I have ever experienced, was that 2025 was going to be my year. I fully convinced myself (and anyone around me who would listen) that this is the year everything clicks into place, even making my first ever vision board and writing down manifestations to really toss the good vibes into the uni. A big piece of that “this is your year” momentum centered on a decision I made last fall, to spend a sizeable amount of money (my entire savings) to join a writing beach retreat in Greece. It was something that had come across my desk more than once, and I kept revisiting it, clearly stuck on the idea that I needed to push myself to not only do a solo trip, but to go to a place I’ve always wanted to go AND tie it into reaching new writing goals. So, with much encouragement (and a sliver of financial support from parents who will literally never rid themselves of their youngest child), I booked the trip and had something BIG to look forward to.

Also during this time of utter despair short freezing days, two of my favorite artists announced summer concerts in Asbury Park a week apart from each other. What’re the chances?! Natch, I had no one to go to either concert with. Forever on the fence about doing a concert alone, I decided to pull the trigger and make June of 2025, the month of doing things alone and scared. It was either going to be forever, or go down in flames as an up and coming musician once sang about men. And now that we’re safely in July, I can now publicly declare…FLAMES. It went down in flames.


Let’s start with the concerts. What has stopped me from ever going to a show alone before, you might ask? The dreaded in-between time. Concerts are typically annoying parking situations, perhaps a long walk to the venue, waiting in line, not actually knowing when the band goes onstage so you get a drink, buy merch, maybe eat a snack, and yap. Then of course, there’s the dead air between sets as they switch the stages. When you think about it, there’s several wasted hours during a show that you barely notice when you’re with friends just yuckin it up. When you’re alone? It feels like 84 years have passed since you arrived. Well wouldn’t you know, this very specific fear that I had was 1 billion percent true. 


My first solo show was Russell Dickerson, and there’s a reason his headlining tour of 2022 was called the RD Party. Boy knows how to put on a banger of a show complete with ripping his shirt off at the end, Chippendales style. He also happens to have some boppin beach songs and I couldn’t pass up the chance to be ON the actual beach jamming it up to the songs of the summer. Plus, both of his openers were singers I liked, which also never happens. Cut to me overthinking my outfit (in case a cowboy swept me off my boots), spending 20 mins looking for parking in Asbury, finally giving up and paying $25 for a parking garage when I could’ve found a street spot for $6, then getting into the venue and immediately buying an overpriced hat I didn’t need because, duh. A merch tent LOVES to see me comin. And then silence. For over an hour.

1. I hope the city council or whoever is in charge over in Asbury Park gets diarrhea at a super inconvenient time for the way they’ve monopolized parking in that dump.

2. I get that venues want you to show up early and give them money (cause who at this point doesn’t want to rip all of my money away from me) but HOW have we not made it public exactly what times each band graces the stage so concert-goers can plan accordingly?!


But I digress, I made my way closer to the stage, something I’ve never been early enough for in the past, and then I realized, I couldn’t leave that spot. I had no one to hold it for me and I certainly wasn’t going to get a drink and piss people off trying to get it back. I got dirty looks just for walking casually toward the front 16 hours before the show began. (Which is wild by the way. Sorry for existing?) So, for the next small century, I lived in that spot. I never got a drink, I never went to the bathroom, I just stood. It was BRUTAL. An hour and a half later the first opener went onstage. He was fun and I was reminded I know even less words to songs than I think I do. Another 30-45 mins of stage switching, then the second opener. Same deal. Then another what seemed like eternity of nothingness before the main event. I read all of social media that night. Everything. I was seeing tweets as they were coming through in real time because I was so starved for entertainment. I texted everyone I know and they were all busy not being a smelly loser cheese stands alone at a concert in white cowboy boots. I smiled at people next to me in the eternity of waiting hoping I might make a new friend. No one bit. I even tried the bonding over mutual hate tactic whenever a drunk guy pushed through by catching eyes with someone near me and doing a dramatic ‘get a load of this a*hole’ eye roll. Didn’t reel any pals in with that one either and that’s how I know I was not amongst my people. Russell commanded the stage as he always does but it lacked the glimmer for me. I had no one to scream sing BRING IT OVER HERE LITTLE MAMA, I’VE GOT A WHISKEY WAITING ON YA in their face and do the MGNO shuffle. It was a great show, and also incredibly disappointing. It was fun for 1-2 hours and excruciatingly boring and awkward for 3 other hours. Peep the content I created below because I wasn’t about to let that view go to waste after becoming a statue in the same spot for an entire evening.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DKm4jExAiVZ

Apparently WordPress is no longer friends with Instagram, so you have to click a link, which I know is asking a lot.

@gardenstategoofin

Literally just a Jersey girl who wants to have fun at RussellMania 💃🏻 #gardenstategoofin #stoneponysummerstage #russelldickerson #soldoutshow #sonicehesangittwice #happentome @Russell Dickerson

♬ original sound – Garden State Goofin


I left this show already dreading my next solo concert, but also didn’t really want to deal with the admin of trying to sell a ticket while I’m in another country. So this time, I posted in a Facebook group of girliecats looking for friends in Asbury Park and asked if anyone else was going and wanted to meet up. Four women commented separately that they were and I DM’ed all of them my phone number and told them to text me if they were open to meeting at the show. I received 0 text messages. One girl messaged me on Facebook and then when I reached out before the show, crickets. Which is worse, going solo and acting like it was a choice, or trying to meet up with absolute strangers and getting ghosted? You can get back to me on that.


Knowing that I absolutely didn’t care about this opening act and couldn’t do another two hours of standing in a crowd pretending to read tweets I’ve already read, I aimed to get there right as the band was taking the stage. This concert was for my good ole tried and true fave nostalgic musician, Andrew McMahon. The pop punk singing piano player I’ve been obsessed with since I was 16, and have dutifully seen live with each band he’s formed every time he swings through town. Well wouldn’t you know, I overcorrected my arrival time and didn’t account for the additional 40 minutes it took me to find a mediocre parking spot 5 blocks away (seriously, die a slow death, Asbury Park), so I was in line to enter as the band was getting onstage. You know what’s the perfect show to be in the dead last row for? The one where the lead singer sits at a piano the whole time. For realz, I could’ve been in a canoe bobbing in the waves of the ocean behind me and would’ve had the same view of the stage that I was catching inside this venue.


I got a drink to buy myself time on how to find a spot and then bopped from one side of the stage to the other, in the way back, craning my neck to see if I could ever actually get eyes on my boy Andrew. I finally settled into a spot by the fourth song and if the guys in front of me didn’t talk to each other, I could just make out Andrew McMahon’s tiny head in the negative space between these bros’ meaty necks. Sick view. The sound was even better. When they were singing, it was fine, although I could hear the crowd more strongly than them, but when Andrew talked, which he likes to do at shows, I got nothin. This was the 20th anniversary of their first album and he was telling stories about why he wrote certain songs, and all I heard was everyone around me’s conversations. Hey babes, if you’re going to just socialize, why spend $60 a head to do so? Why not just go to the bar and put that money toward boozin? I tried to push past groups that were literally facing away from the stage because WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?! Also, I realize I could’ve just gone full dick mode and done the “I’m looking for my friends” bit to push toward the front, but just the thought of pissing someone off and having a Jersey-style confrontation gives me the nervous poops. Not to mention the fact that I’m Jack the friggin Beanstalk and even just standing in the back I heard the slicked bun behind me grumbling to her tall hot boyf that I was too tall and she couldn’t see. Life must be rly hard for her.

The only time I could see him was when he jumped on the piano…
…or crowd surfed on an inflatable llama
Could everybody please go home
Wind Chic (and yes I added the temp stamp because one day earlier I was sweating bullets at 7am in 90 degree heat)


To add insult to injury, after 3 full days of a 100 degree heat wave, Earth was like my hot flash is over, let’s go back to fall, dropped down to 60 degrees and that G-D wind was back, BB! Challenge accepted though and credit to me: nailed it with the perfect amount of layers. Tee+hoodie+jean jacket. I wore a baseball cap with braids because I’d rather hurl myself off a cliff than have my hair repeatedly blow in my face. I never took the hood down. Should the chat monsters surrounding me ever close their gaping yappers, they would’ve wondered if I was the unabomber or JLo just trying to keep it on the DLow and not get recognized in AP. If you’re hating your current situation and everyone around you, highly recommend wearing both a hat and a hood. It was like having blinders up and also really came in handy WHEN IT STARTED RAINING HALFWAY THROUGH THE SHOW. Needless to say, I am done with solo concerts. BUT, I tried. I made the pre-judgement about why they wouldn’t be enjoyable that I was incredibly right about. And now I know for sure, seeing live music is only fun for me when I can share the adrenaline and joy with someone else, much like most of life.


TO BE CONTINUED because this blog was even too long for me so I cut it into two parts. And let me tell you, part two is a doozy.

Standard
Playlist

Pub Nights

My favorite thing about music is that any given song can immediately transport you back to a specific time in your life. This playlist is a love letter to my golden years of partying it up in TogaTown. Even though I lived in Saratoga from ages 18-22, I was at college, so it was really just snippets during winter/summer break. The time period I’m memorializing through song here is ages 24-28 (2015-2019) when I was REALLY cookin’ on Caroline St.

Here’s a bzz’ed artsy shot of said street.

In the heyday my pals and I became regulars at Caroline St. Pub, hence the name ‘Pub Nights.’ It’s at this bar where we got probably too close to the staff, spent all of our money (my dad was splitting rent with me, so always a mature decision to spend money you don’t have at the local pub), and took way too many bombs to remember. A bomb was a Monster energy drink+flavored vodka shot and if you took too many you felt like you could lift a car above your head but also might burst into tears if someone looked at you weird. What a time to be alive.

Side bar: even if you weren’t a part of this particular era, I’m sure anyone who is reading can relate to the feeling of being in your twenties and grabbing life by the bombs. You’re still young and dumb, you’ve got a little bit of independence, and you’re either in an entry-level job that doesn’t really matter much or you’re working in restaurants (or both) where everyone hangs and bangs. It’s pure chaos but also pure bliss. You have no clue what’s coming next or when you’re going to get your shit together but it also doesn’t matter at all. And honestly, not for nothing, but my friend and I were just looking back on those times and wondering how the hell we afforded to go out as much as we did on garbage salaries. My first FT job paid me $12 an hour and I also worked as a hostess on the weekends for probably another $8-$10 an hour. I look at my financial sitch now and I’m baffled. I don’t know if it’s a combo of inflation and the fact that I never tried for a second to save money back then, but WTF? I make triple that now and if I go out for one night I am financially ruined. I blow my entire month’s “fun” budget on a few spressies and a couple Ubers. And then I remind myself that this is why I’ll never own a home.

Anyway, back to fonder memories of spending my peak legal drinking years in a town where the bars stay open until 4am and every summer the population quadruples for track season. Before you get the dance party started with this playlist, I’d like to toss out some honorable mentions to the places and people who made these years so spesh, if I may. First and foremost, Popcorn Brian. I could write an entire chapter of a book about this man (in fact I did) but I’ll try to briefly sum up the magic. Popcorn Brian was a man in his fifties who went out solo and preyed on young chicks. The first night I spotted him, he was elbows deep in popcorn at Gaffney’s and I immediately named him Popcorn Guy, which of course came to include his government name when he added himself into my phone on a night when I was the prey in 2013. We quickly settled into being “hi” friends and every night that I went out for 8 years, if I saw Popcorn Brian we said hello and usually he slipped me a compliment. (WAY better than slipping me a roofie.) If Popcorn Brian saw me and didn’t compliment my outfit, I would immediately want to go home and change because clearly I looked like a walking dumpster. He was the epitome of what Saratoga Nights were, especially in the summer. You never knew what you were gonna get, but you were probably going to get a story out of it.

Secondly, of course all of my gal pals who were down to clown and take our outfits way too seriously, or a theme, or singing front row with the bands, or commanding the dance floor. These years were so fun and ridiculous and I couldn’t have done it without you! That literally felt like I was signing a Saratoga drunk nights yearbook, but it’s all true. HAGS.

Pub Nights were for the girls.

Thirdly, I’ve already shouted out Caroline St. Pub, but while most people gravitate to the bartenders at a bar and want to become friends with them for free drinks, I’m the weirdo who wants to become friends with the bouncers instead. Never once got a free drink at Pub, but I did get to kick it with my homeslices Bob & George. I would literally leave my group of friends to stand against a wall and survey the crowd. Why? Because I have ALWAYS wanted to get paid to stand in a corner and people-watch with my naturally resting bitch face. But alas, I don’t have a penis, nor muscles, and therefore could never be a bouncer. I also would never be able to break up a fight. In fact, one could argue my face says my thoughts so loudly that it could actually start a fight. So thank you to my two fave bouncers for letting me moonlight/drunkenly have a running commentary on everyone in the bar. Hope your paychecks were thicc for putting up with me every Saturday night.

Fourthly, is fourthly even a word? Feels wrong, but whatevs. The live music in Togz! I give sincere individualized apologies in my song descriptions below because I for sure took being a fan a scooch too far, but I LIVED for a live band night, especially on a patio. Soul Session used to do Thursday nights in the summer at Gaffneys and you’d get all ages gathering to dance and sing. It was a whole vibe. Guess you had to be there.

Fifthly, have you given up on reading this blog because it hasn’t even started yet and it’s definitely too long already? Chowderfest. I really don’t need to say anything about this other than, pre-2019, there were no open container laws and we were livin’ LOARGE dumping hot creamy soups and alcohol down our throats outside all day in February. If you’re still in Saratoga and not bogged down by responsibilities (children) pls do me a favor and crack a cold one on Caroline this Chowderfest in my honor. (But like don’t be obvious cause you can get arrested now.) I would say take a shot off the Sperry’s ice luge but I imagine a hunk of ice that everyone puts their mouths on didn’t survive Covid…

Closer – The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

We’re starting off with a bang because I can’t even begin to relay to you how INVINCIBLE I felt scream singing, “WE AIN’T EVER GETTING OLDER” with a bunch of other tipsy twenty-somethings in a crowded bar. So great that I also went on to name a Facebook album the very same thing. I’d still be posting 200 photo FB albums if I didn’t think I was going to get boo’ed off this planet. What a lost art it was to create a unique & entertaining caption for every terrible picture I posted. This generation’s “photo dump” girlies could never. But I digress…I don’t want to give The Chainsmokers all of the credit here because they turned out to be real big douchers who let this smash hit go right to their frat bruh heads, but this song is a *moment.* It perfectly captures what it’s like to be young and messy and make poor decisions. Halsey crushed as she always does and this was the time period when she started to release her own music, which I promptly became obsessed with as well. Also no hate to the roommate back in Boulder, but they made it sound cool as hell to be a mattress thief.

I’m A Mess – Bebe Rexha

Full discloszh, I heard this in Stop & Shop a couple months ago and this is the song that started my spiral back into creating this playlist. I was just browsing the shredded cheeses and almost teared up singing in my head “everything’s gonna be ok, that’s what my therapists say.” I had a visceral memory of singing this at my friend Kim’s apt, saying this was our new anthem because Bebe was crushing the self-love while also giving a shout out to her therapist. It was the message all of us insecure 20-somethings needed at that time. I sure believed Bebe that everything was gonna be alright. And guess what?! I’m no longer Venmo-requesting half of my rent from my parents and leaving the bar crying because my drunk boyfriend accused me of looking at the singer (who we were all looking at because he was performing) so it IS A GOOD, GOOD LIFE!

Bad Things – mgk ft. Camila Cabello

Listen, the girlies were going through a real bad girl moment in 2017. Taylor was in her Reputation Era and all the other pop hooches were like HEARD, we can do this. My friend Kelly introduced me to this song and for WHATEVER reason, I immediately correlate it with thigh high boots. For years I thought it was because Camila was wearing some in the music video and that’s what solidified that trend and me NEEDING to get a pair, but I just rewatched the video and homegrl ain’t wearing boots. So I guess it’s one of those moments my brain made up. For anyone who cares (no one) the-over-the-knee boot coincided with the bad grrl moment of 2017 and I dragged my mom to the mall (RIP) and got myself a pair of my own at The Bon Ton (RIPx2). I still have them and thank God I do because the trend swung right back around and I’ve never been more pleased to dust them off and debut them again. Boots as pants should FOREVER be a trend.

Also, fun fact, for whatever reason someone misspoke at work or drunkenly made up a word, and called that style of boots dopelopes, and ever since then, I actually struggle to call them anything else. If you think it’s stupid that I just wrote a whole paragraph about boots that are taller than normal, think about what a fuss I made at that time, the first night I wore them to the bar, with a sweater dress I specifically bought to wear with them! I forced a photoshoot with my BFF Kristi so the lewk could forever remain in our hearts and our minds. So basically, nothing’s changed because I still do that when I’m wearing a kickass outfit. PS s/o to mgk for being the toxic trashy boyfriend with a hot GF that’s too good for him for a full decade now. Quite an image to uphold.

The best part is after all that, you can’t even see my dopelopes in this picture!

Shape of You – Ed Sheeran

Ed had just released Divide in 2017 and I don’t think there was a day when I didn’t have that full album on repeat. (If you’re a longtime fan you’ll know that I gave it a track by track recap and it’s one of my faves he’s released.) I won’t punish your ears by putting Galway Girl on here even though I overplayed the shit out of that song this particular year. I even made it my alarm song, so I started each day ready to Irish jig all over the haters. Instead, I’ll include this bangpiece that was often in rotation at the pub. My hips DID NOT LIE when this beat was beatin.

My Own Worst Enemy – Lit

Sure, this song came out in 1999, but you’ve never experienced a REAL cover band unless they’ve let this song rip. This is such a classic drinking song, and I probably heard it every single weekend for 4 years straight. Quite literally never gets old. In fact, just the beginning guitar riff makes me taste Bud Light. Also, peek behind the scenes, when I was creating this playlist, I wanted to reach out to some friends who were a part of this era to make sure I included the songs that always made them think of our sloppy times, and while I was out here focusing exclusively of the pop hits of the time, they honed in on the 90’s and early 2000’s throwbacks these bands were singing as we moshed in the front row. Thank God for crowdsourcing because I was forever fuzzy on the deets in this time period. How could I forget being overserved and wailing PLEASE TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYY with 100 sweaty strangers?!

New Rules – Dua Lipa

I discovered Dua Lipa through this song and oOh baby did this one hit home. There was a brief period of time when all of my gal pals sent their boyfs packin. They blamed it on mercury being in retrograde or something, which is a fun PR spin to put on dumping guys that probably deserved to be dumped. Regardless, this song coincided with the great dumping. Say dump again, Julia. And WE WERE FEELIN OURSELVES. It was Summertime and the livin’ was track season, BB! So we were hitting the bars and trying to follow Dua’s v. strict set of rules. And then Fall hit and we had a great theme party to celebrate the end of Mercury f*cking around. Welp, 50% of us failed and ended up taking those boys back and I wore that boy’s Space Jam shirt to said mercury theme party. I would LOVE to have a moment where I’m like it was our twenties, tough stuff, lesson learned. But HA! I never learned my damn lesson and I can say with my WHOLE-ass heart, Dua knew what the hell she was talkin about and I should’ve listened to her then. 1. Don’t pick up the phone. 2. Don’t let him in. 3. Don’t be his friend. Happy to report that so far in 2025, I’ve followed all three rules. First time for everything.

Despacito Remix – Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee & Justin Bieber

This was Bieber’s last hurrah of making music before he got married/retired and he was ALL about the collabs with DJ’s and rappers and latin popstars and every single one slapped suh hard, it was tricky to choose just one. Picked this one for a little culture and because it’s an instant hip-swayer. Did I learn a lick of Spanish from this song (or the 4 years of actual Spanish classes that I took?) No. Did I learn how to put some stank on Puerto Rico? HELL YEA I DID! This is how we do it down in *POO-WHERE-TO* RICO.

Cheap Thrills – Sia

Whether there was a dedicated dance floor at a bar or not, during this era, I’mma be dancin. Realistically, by the time I arrived at the bar around midnight, I was already a bottle of wine deep and it wasn’t hard to feel loose enough to groove immediately. And this song is the epitome of a bop and lyrics are basically exactly what my life was at that point. Friday and Saturday night, get cute, toss back some adult bevvies and hit the dance floor. As we’ve previously established by questioning how I could afford any of this, I didn’t need money as long as I could feel the beat.

Snapback – Old Dominion

You may wonder what a country song is doing in a mix of clerb pop beats and that’s a valid concern. This song is singlehandedly responsible for me clasping onto a trend that I have yet to really let go of and it is the exact opposite of thigh high boots. A band full of hot country boys singing about how sexy it is for a girl to wear a backwards hat was ALL I NEEDED to think that I looked like a total babe soda in a backwards hat. I’ve always been a hat gal, but this period of time is when I really ratcheted it into another stratosphere and the very first enabler of this trend was none other than local band Toga Boys who decided to sell snapbacks for $5. I’d like to preface this story by saying that when I commit to a bit, I do it so hard that it might scare some people. My first summer back in Saratoga I discovered Toga Boys and their weekly residency at Gaffneys, realized I had a raging crush on the lead singer who wore the hell out of a backwards hat, and then made it my mission to be at pretty much every show he played ever. Not only did I look like a creepy groupie, but I took it a step further and talked him into giving me a free hat, then I proceeded to never take that hat off for a solid calendar year. I wore that thing everywhere and because of OD brainwashing me into thinking I looked hot, I HONESTLY THOUGHT I LOOKED HOT. I still wear backwards hats, mostly at the beach, but at least I now know I look like a total lez and I just DGAF. Still waiting on those royalties for creating the PERFECT album cover for Toga Boys should they ever release original tunes with that donut float.

…Ready For It? – Taylor Swift

I mean, I’m not gonna talk about Reputation and not include a song from it. To say this album was iconic would be the biggest understatement of the century. A country/pop star who never swore and always kept a pretty squeaky clean image goes basically into hiding for a few years and then drops THIS HEATER?! The album was all F-OFF anthems and her look was EMO. I was obsessed and I always think of this album when I look back on these years. It was a whole attitude and I embraced it full force with my chokers and my dark lipstick. SO hard to pick one song so I just went for the all encompassing fan fave and most annoying phrase that I’ve ever gotten stuck in my head.

S.O.B. – Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

Another nod to the local live music scene in Saratoga, after spending a couple of years stalking Toga Boys and their other band variations, I stumbled upon 2096 and suddenly, my obsession was transferred. Where Toga Boys leaned more into the classic and alt rock hits, 2096 incorporated more folksy stuff that you didn’t typically hear covered at the bar. I’ve only ever heard this song performed by them. In fact, this band was at the Stone Pony last year and when I heard this song I was like OH I KNOW THIS from Saratoga. Pretty offensive that the actual band was singing it and I was like ugh, it’s not 2096. Still don’t know any of the words, but I know SON OF A BITCH and oooooHHHHoooohHHoooooOOHOOhhhoohhh. And that’s all that matters. It’s such a fun group singalong song. Other honorable mentions from this band that got me in my feels EVERY time was Little Lion Man (another great crowd anthem) and Chasing Cars, which I had also never heard covered and legit teared up every time they performed it. Since I know how incredibly weird I was when I became super into a band, I will also issue a formal apology to these guys because I took “you’re a fun band to see live” the farthest always and I think I once DM’ed them a bunch of pictures I took of them performing like I was their social media manager. The pictures were awful as I was for sure seeing double. SORRY I’M A CREEP!

Sorry – Beyonce

JK I’m not sorry, cause Beyonce taught me to literally never be sorry and also that men ain’t shit. If you’re getting tired of me being like OMG ICONIC BAD GURLS, get over it because I’m TELLING YOU 2017 was for the gurleeeze. We were having ourselves a reckoning. Taylor vs. Kanye. Camila vs. mgk. Selena vs. Justin. Ariana vs. all of her exes. Beyonce vs. Jay-Z. Sir did you think you could cheat on Beyonce and she WOULDN’T have something to say?! Not only do I love a song that gives me permission to flip the bird as a dance move (and I definitely did) but without this song, we’d never have been gifted Becky with the Good Hair. It’s meant to be a burn, but honestly, I’d die to be called Julia with the Good Hair. So much so, that I somehow ended up translating the nickname to my boyfriend at the time because he had given me a nickname and I felt I should return the favor. Of course, his nickname for me was Droolz because I unfortunately had a period of time in my youth where I demanded to be called Jules and also food/spit were spraying out of my mouth almost every minute of every day. And I called him Becky with the Good Hair, Bex for short, because he had long hair that was for sure nicer than mine. Do you see the disparity? Boy, BYE.

This Is What You Came For – Calvin Harris & Rihanna

Even though we found out via ‘SCREW THE WORLD’ Tay that she basically wrote this song and let Calvin Harris take the credit because they were dating at the time, it doesn’t even matter because what A BANGER. This is exactly what you want to flail your limbs to on a Saturday night until 4am. For those of you unfamilz with Saratoga, there’s a bar on the corner of Caroline St called City Tavern and each floor all the way up to the roof has something different going on. The 4th floor was coined “the boom boom room” and I think you can picture exactly what that means. This is a boom boom room song. Strobes and mmst mmst mmst and Popcorn Brian grindin all up on YA. You’re welcome for that visz.

Summer of ’69 – Bryan Adams

My dad can vouch for this but my sister and I heard this performed out in Saratoga and immediately called and told him to learn it because we never want to see live music again without Summer of ’69. Credit to him because he did learn it and he’s played it every time we’re both at one of his gigs and we get up and jump around like idiots to it. It goes without saying that summer is my favorite season, so a song that glorifies all of the good times of summers when you’re young will always hold a special place in my very foggy memories. And not for nothing? You literally can’t beat a Saratoga Summer. So once again, thank you to Justin Joyner of Toga Boys, Motion Blur, & Gravity for bringing Summer of ’69 back into my life and ALSO putting up with me creepin fangirl style with my backwards hat and my weird ongoing bit in the summer of 2016 where I referred to you as my boyfriend without you knowing because I thought it was funny. Oop!

Stressed Out – Twenty One Pilots

I remember this song being bumped a lot, also Imagine Dragons’ “Thunder” which is kinda similar vibes but I’m sorry I can’t possibly give kudos to a song that just screams lightning and thunder over and over again. Anyway, this little ditty is tongue and cheek because I’m sure I sang it at the time with my whole heart wanting to turn back time to less stressful days. And now I listen to these lyrics and think WE WERE IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS. What the hell was I stressed out about at 25? Probably my bar tab.

All The Small Things – Blink-182

Another cover band crowd pleaser!! Gets the people going and I’ve never screamed WORK SUCKS, I KNOW harder for someone whose typical day at work consisted of sorting through chaps, dildos, and Four Loko dresses leftover from a Fat Jew show. Jk that was just one job. In this four year stint of living in Saratoga, I had 9 jobs. That’s not an exaggeration. 9 jobs in 4 years. Guess what? They all sucked. Jk the one where I planned beer festivals and got to travel to Hawaii was siiick. Too bad they laid me off after a cool 6 months. Now you know why I needed hit the bars as much as I did. “SAY IT AIN’T SO, I WILL NOT GO.” – Me when they turned the lights on at 4am.

Back To You – Selena Gomez

Remember the show 13 Reasons Why? You shouldn’t. It was DARK. Real hot in the streets at this time and this song was in it. I had to quit it cold turkey because watching all the reasons that a teenager commits suicide was not helping my newfound panic attacks, which also started around this time. Anyway, kinda unrelated but I just wanted to set the scene for what was hot in the streets 8 years ago. This song came out and everyone was like OBVIOUSLY THIS IS ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER and then I found out that a singer who I met in college (my cr33pin on musicians goes WAY back) wrote this hit. Awesome for him, not so much for all of us Selena-Biebs stans. As someone who more than once, unironically, referred to her own relationship as the Selena and JB of Saratoga because of how many times we broke up and got back together, I guess I can relate to this song. Also suuuuper catchy.

Mr. Brightside – The Killers

You wanna instantly liven up a room full of sloshed white people? Play Mr. Brightside. Epic. Whether it was being sung by the band or got queued up on Touch Tunes, everyone was comin out of their cage. See what I did there? For people my age, this song dropped at a pivotal time in our lives, 8th grade. We started having school dances in 7th grade. So essentially, I’ve been partying to Mr. Brightside since it debuted. And it brings the house down every damn time. And I’ll repeat this story until I’m 6 ft under but when The Killers do a show, they open with Mr. Brightside and I honestly can’t get over it. It’s either the cockiest move or the dumbest move because then everyone’s like peace thanks for the show. Either way, I can’t imagine ever hearing this song and not immediately feel ready to run through a brick wall and also take a tequila shot.

Truth Hurts – Lizzo

Ok, so the majority of the pop hits I’ve included in this playlist came out in 2016/2017. That’s when I was going hardest in the paint. By 2018/2019, I had considerably slowed my bar outings and was opting for more settled weekend activities. Read: I was broke as a joke and had to be more selective about which nights I wanted to throw money away and then also delete the following day to a full 24-hour hangover. All that to say, I slowed my roll, but when Lizzo hit the scene and blew the summer of 2019 wide open, it was GAME ON. You could not escape this song. You’d be scrolling IG and see 3 posts in a row with the caption, “I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% that bitch.” (Guilty.) I remember going to see The Jonas Brothers in Albany and the entire arena singing along to this as if Lizzo herself was onstage…it was literally just the pre-show music. Truth is, she posed a great question that we still don’t know the answer to: why men great til they gotta be great? You can get back to me on that.

Shut Up and Dance – WALK THE MOON

Closing out strong with a song that was requested every time we went out by my girl Kim. This was her jam and if a live band didn’t play it for her, they were dead to us. She’d command the dance floor and it was fun to sit back and watch her give her heart and soul to performing it every time it played, but it was even more fun to get in the mix and have the whole group scream-singing it. A solid core memory of my golden years of Saratoga and I will never hear this song and not think of that time. Plus, it’s just a clean, feel-good bop. A wholesome song about dancing to a snappy beat. Does it get any better?!

Alright, the playlist is over. Now go get a doughboy from Esperanto and stumble on home.

Oh, you’re still here? Great. Feast your eyes on a throwback to the relic of Facebook albums with this visual walk down memory lane.

  • The time my mom gave me a trampstamp at Grey Gelding when I wasn’t even of legal drinking age yet.
  • A weeknight at Gaffneys in the off-season
  • See? RBF could start some fights.
  • My love.
  • Must finish the bottle before heading to the bars. This photo was taken at midnight.
  • Pre-Doughboy photoshoot
  • If I was this unhinged on the way to the bar, imagine what the walk home looked like.
  • RIP Sperrys Chowderfest ice luge. 2015
  • The last run in 2019
  • Apparently I chalked while drunk too.
  • Car Bombs at Parting Glass, another staple.
  • Rock at Desperate Annie’s was my ride or die.
  • Forced myself onstage with 2096 for my birthday. Plz note the backwards hat.
  • This flag was my personal backdrop pt 1
  • pt 2
  • pt 3
  • I declared November exclusively for backless shirts and called it Bovember because I’m an idiot.
  • Accidentally coordinating with Grinder
  • Just your average Thursday.
  • All the awards to the band for trusting two drunk girls with a probs expensive guitar for a Halloween photoshoot.
  • Mercury Girlies
  • The time I made my parents do bombs.
  • St Patricks
  • Will never stop drinking and backwards hatting.
  • Snow Day = Booze Day
  • Blizzards were just an opportunity to bar hop in a blanket.
  • Caroline St Sledding
  • The time I wore snowpants to Kings and was probably still the best dressed person there.
  • We brought balloons and treats for George’s 60th.
  • The next 10 photos are a series I like to call Posing with Total Strangers
  • There is no age limit
  • I definitely told this guy he had a fresh fit and demanded a photo
  • Ugly Sweater Pub Crawl
  • This was a recreation of Titanic?
  • The infamous Chowderfest Tigger
  • Sup bruh
  • My entire 25th birthday was a scavenger hunt of pics with strangers so instead of posting them all I picked a few especially weird ones
  • Mouth tats
  • and prom poses
  • s/o Tap & Barrel, another frequented joint
  • No open container laws 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • The ole boot & rally.
  • Choose not to count how many times I walked home barefoot.
  • Sry KC, you seemed to fall victim to all of my “MUST TAKE A PHOTO IN THIS OUTFIT” nights
  • Passed.
  • Bombs away with Saratoga Rikki!
  • This bar changed names 900 times, idk what it’s called now but what a moment when it opened and had a cool neon sign
  • And inflatable props.
  • We really loved Hawaii.
  • And props!
  • It’s a miracle I’ve ever had friends..
  • The time I took my mom to Pub to show her where I spend all her money.
  • Car bombs & chokers.
  • More chokers
  • OG Pres
  • TY Alex for introducing me to Soul Session & Desperate Annies
  • Never without a Bud Latte and I certainly got my money’s worth on this outfit I probably paid $15 for and wore downtown 900 times.
  • My first and basically last time at The Horseshoe.
  • We yelled at strangers a lot.
  • Just Audrina DJ’ing at Gaffs
  • The only time I’ve ever been captured by a professional photographer at the bar. Good thing I was sobez.
  • Green tea shots washed down with a beer
  • My last night living in Saratoga, getting behind the bar at Harvey’s and apparently posing with cash like a rapper.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice – Nov 1st, 2024

I took a couple of weeks off again because I was busy movin and shakin, SARRY bout it. The world of celeb news did not take a couple of weeks off, so lemme see if I can stuff in some of my hot takes from what isn’t still breaking news in addition to the headlines from this week.

1. Gisele is going to be a Grandma Mom.

Not from the horse’s mouth directly, but sources (it’s People.com official) confirm that Gisele is expecting her first kid with her jiu-jitsu beefstick. My sister scooped me on this news and my immediate response was “Isn’t she 50 years old?” There was not a chance in hell I believed this bitch had working ovaries. It was like that weird season of Real Housewives of NY when they introduced us to Cynthia who was in her fifties with a fresh baby and was like what? Is that weird? My sister did the fact checking for me (reading beyond a headline) and found out that Gisele is only 44 and her baby daddy is 35…not that it matters because sperm never ages like our crusty ole eggs do. So I guess I owe Gisele an apology. It’s not like I think she looks like she’s fifty, it’s just that she’s been around forever and I always tie her into the Heidi Klum supermodel era and Heidi is indeed in her fifties. Ricochet shot. My follow-up question is how dare you? It’s hard enough for a single gal in her thirties out here with all these lil snatched Gen Z’ers cropping it up at all times like sirens who never cover their midsection and now I’ve gotta worry about hot women in their forties coming for my target age range too?! Find someone in your own era! Don’t let Kristin Cav influence all you moms to start dating younger childless guys. It’s a war zone out there. And my final thought on this matter is that this is a direct result of Tom Brady’s Roast. The GOAT agreed to make a big ole spectacle of himself for sure without Gisele’s permission and naturally she was roped into about 85% of the jokes without even being there, just because her ex-huz is an attention whore. So how do you get him back? Get knocked up by your young stallion of a jiu-jitsu instructor. Duhs.

2. One Engagement Ends As Another Begins.

What a treat to combine sad and happy news into one item. Once again, not confirmed by them but sources reported Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz have ended their engagement. They were together for a few years and thriller “Blink Twice” directed by Zoe and starring Channing just came out not too long ago. Knowing what I do about PR (pretty much nothing) this news breaking right on the heels of their film coming out means they probably broke up before that and waited to share that nugget until the movie had been out for a while. Nothing ruins a press tour more than juicy personal goss, not a single soul would’ve talked about the movie. As someone who literally lost all belief in love after Channing and Jenna got divorced, this breakup couldn’t mean less to me. I wasn’t against them as a couple but I certainly wasn’t swooning over them either. PS all bets that this sappy IG declaration of love was posted to keep bloodhounds off the trail of them actually not being together anymore.

What I certainly find weird is that Jenna’s new husband Steve Kazee posted an Instagram story with just HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH when the news broke of the Chansters’ breakup. And what’s your beef, dude? Nothing makes you look like more of a bitter a-hole than publicly commenting on your current wife’s ex-husband’s love life. Boy, that’s a mouthful. How embarrassing for this nerd. Pretty sure him and Jenna have two kids together so he can’t be all that happy if he’s concerning himself with Channing. If he should be throwing shade at anyone, maybe direct it at your wife who dragged out a divorce with Channing for like 6 years because she wanted more money. Yeah, that’s right, I said it!

And every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Or in this case, every time a ring is returned, another couple gets it. That made me laugh out loud picturing Channing passing Zoe’s returned ring off to Shaun White. If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m here mostly to entertain myself. Shaun and Nina, a couple that has been very public in their cuteness decided to take the next step. Again, they’re not really a couple I ride hard for, but they seem like fun times, plus this proposal looks very fairytale chic, so CONGRATS BB’S!

3. Dragging Shawn Mendes Out of the Closet.

For whatever reason, goss-hounds (not me, but the TMZ’s of the world) have been obsessed with outing Shawn Mendes basically forever. I feel like every few years I see headlines about Shawn’s sexuality. Recently it was all about his lil love triangle between Sabrina Carpenter and Camila Cabello because he apparently had quite an overlap with the two at Coachella and everyone was like ew, what a douchenozzle. And now everyone is like IS HE GAY? Um, pick a lane? Also…why do we care? He lives a pretty quiet life and honestly doesn’t even tour or put out music much anymore, I honestly thought he had retired from the biz. So apparently it got to the point where he felt he needed to speak on it at a show this week and I’m sorry but everyone owes this poor dude an apology because he seems down bad and feeling like he needs to talk about which gender he likes to smooch onstage in a very public forum is all y’alls fault. The blood is on your hands. Not mine though because I’ve known for a fact he’s gay for six years now. I mean, you don’t get a butterfly bicep tat and call yourself hetero. Jus sayin. At the end of the day, love or bang whoever you want, Shawn, but it is OBJECTIVELY funny to be strumming a guitar as background music to you pouring out our heart and soul about such a personal topic. I couldn’t stop laughing watching this video clip.

4. Zach Bryan Stinks.

Honestly this is one of those niche “celebrity” breakups that I want to dissect with everyone around me but no one really cares so I get to do it HERE! And if you don’t care, you’ll still learn something new and have a topic for the next time you have a conversation with someone in their twenties because this breakup probably has a chokehold on them. Let me say up front that I don’t ROOT for people to break up, per say, but sometimes when you see someone is clearly a bad boy and the girl hasn’t figured it out yet, it’s KIIIIINDA satisfying when it all proves to be true. Here’s the back story: Zach Bryan is all the rage for like country/rock/folksie/outlaw/Springsteen type music. I honestly don’t know what to categorize him as and I don’t think anyone else does either. He writes a lot of gritty songs but they’re catchy AF and he’s really taken off the past couple of years and blown up, especially with the younger kids. Brianna Chickenfry is a Barstool personality, probably one of their most famous (and highest paid for being a young girlie). She’s known for finding her next boyfriend before the current one has been put out to pasture, and he’s known for going hot and heavy with a girl for about a year and then cutting her loose and writing an album about her. Of course when he does it, it’s art, when Taylor Swift does it, it’s whiny and oversharing and she’s boy crazy. INSERT EYE ROLL. Regardless, these two started dating a little over a year ago, and since Bri is an online personality/influencer, their relashe deets were shared often. They seemed all in, moving to Boston together and getting dogs together, etc. On his latest album, he wrote a song called 28 about how in love they are and girls all over the country swooned their faces off. I’m pretty sure she also got lyric “how lucky are we” tattooed on her. Well they headed to splitsville last week (privately) and then a day later, Zach announced it publicly on Instagram without giving her any heads up that he was going to take it public.

So she then had to react publicly and share that she was blindsided and was trying to just do what the girlies do when you’re fresh off of a breakup–sob on the couch and watch bad TV and wonder if anyone will ever like you again. Then of course as the days pass, more dirt gets dug up. Apparently he cheated on her, he was on the celeb dating app Raya either while they were still together or RIGHT as they broke up. And what do you know, the guy who has a pattern of doing exactly this with women, does exactly that. He’s already releasing snippets of songs he’s writing about their relationship. Is he a muse whore? Does he get women to fall in love with him so he can have experiences and memories to write about when he eventually drops the hammer? Sure seems like it. If I had to guess, Bri already has her next love of her life lined up, but I’ve been captivated by the deets as they roll out. You don’t listen to a love song about a couple and sigh and say I wish I had that and then not EAT UP every juicy tidbit when it turns out they’re just as toxic as Steven and Lucy on Tell Me Lies. According to Pres from Barstool, he never liked Zach and he was super controlling and jealous and insecure. SOUNDS LIKE A CHEATER TO ME! So, in short, no relationship is love-song worthy, Zach Bryan is a dirtbag, but I’m probably still going to listen to his music. Sue me.

5. In This House We Stan Kelsea Ballerini.

You hear about Taylor Swift every thirty seconds of every single day, but we don’t yap about Kelsea Ballerini as much and I think that needs to change. She’s also a very talented songwriter who uses real life and struggles to create relatable pop/country songs. She comes across as a very grateful, bubbly, somewhat NORMAL celeb aka she’s fun to follow on social media. AND after a very public divorce from fellow country singer Morgan Evans and lots of mudslinging through music, she’s lived out every girly’s fantasy and slid into John B’s DM’s and they seem to be thriving as a couple. This week she released new album Patterns (if you want a new chorus to scream sing from someone other than T.Swift smash play on Baggage, it’ll treat you right) and for the first time ever played Madison Square Garden, to a sold-out crowd. It was adorable and emotional and from clips I’ve seen on TikTok, she put on a hell of a show. There was a moment where she references her dog in a song off her last album, and this dog happens to currently have cancer, and she broke down, so the entire Garden finish the chorus for her while she sobbed. What a heartwarming moment.

@theconcertgirl

Not a dry eye at Madison Square Garden🥹🙏🏽🐶 @Kelsea Ballerini #kelseaballerini #patterns #madisonsquaregarden #kelseaballerinitok #kelseaballerinimsg #kelseaballeriniconcert #baggage #patternskelseaballerini #concerts #fyp #dibs #penthouse

♬ original sound – The Concert Girl ♥️

The album is great, there’s a song for everyone in there, and if you want to follow someone as they live their dreams and radiate positivity but clearly don’t take themselves too seriously, don’t sleep on Kels. Also, as if I couldn’t slobber over her anymore, her and Chase CRUSHED their coups costume for Halloween because of course.

Standard
Music

Ed Sheeran – Subtract

Ed went 5 years without releasing new music and then dropped albums b2b, which means I get to jump on in for another installment of the highly anticipated track by track breakdown. I don’t mean to toot my own horn (even though I was born to toot), but in the review for Equals, I mused that though it SEEMS like that would’ve been the coda to his albums, we had yet to get a Subtract moment, except I called it minus because I’m forever 7 years old. And I’m assuming Ed saw that on The Salty Ju and was like here you go, babes. That’s how this album came about. I’m joking, obviously. We know how this album came about because he has extensively poured his heart out via social media and a 4-part docu-series on Disney +. I recommend you diving into that when you’re prepared to sob your eye sockets out, as I did on Friday. In short, if I may summarize the push behind this album, Ed had spent many years writing songs for what would be Subtract, and then had one of the worst years of his life when his wife found a tumor while she was 6 months pregnant and then his best friend died unexpectedly at 31. So he scrapped all those songs he was planning on having on the album and instead wrote new ones about the feelings he was having during this rough chapter as sort of a diary. As you can imagine, this album will not be full of bops, but might be more relatable than he thinks because life can be a real shitstorm sometimes.

1. Boat*. Starting things off with a simple guitar song about getting back up after you get kicked in the teeth by that fickle bitch called life. Did he say it more eloquently? Hell yea, it’s Ed Sheeran, master lyricist and voice of an angel. This song is a melodious reminder that you can feel both hopeless and also refuse to give up at the same damn time. I’m pretty much the Mayor of that town so I can say that this ditty particularly speaks to me. Things can be craptastic for a while but if you don’t let those craptastic waves sink your boat, maybe you’ll float on into some less craptastic waters? FINGERS CROSSED!

2. Salt Water. Fun fact about me (gu’head and roll your eyes, it was only a matter of time before I started yapping exclusively about myself and briefly attempting to relate it back to the song) I’ve always been an ocean lover. Grew up visiting the beach on family vacation and never had an issue going for a swim in the ocean, even overcoming the summer we went to Cape Cod and my brother in law swam up and grabbed my leg pretending to be a shark. That should’ve ended my affair with oceans immediately as it is not only traumatizing but also hits a little too close to home as Cape Cod has shark incidents multiple times every summer. But it didn’t. I took a vacation at the Jersey Shore and was one with the sea, even learning how to pee in the ocean for the first time. But then, I moved to the beach. I was very excited as a beach babe to finally live 10 minutes away and be a card-carrying member of a season beach pass. And suddenly I got a bad case of the yips. Cannot go in the ocean. We’re going on two years now and when I go to the beach (which is essentially 2-3 times a week from May through mid-October), if I get hot, I go down to the water and stand with the toddlers and splash water on myself and then head back up to my perch. I don’t know why I’m suddenly terrified of the ocean but from what I can gather, it’s a combination of the rough surf, the murky water, and the fact that I’m typically by myself and if I were to slip into the abyss, not a single soul would be looking for me. Fun stuff, right?! I came to this conclusion after I swam in both Jamaica and Siesta Key with my dad without any anxiety. Well, there was a moment where someone pointed at the water in Florida and I almost shit a brick. Pointing should be banned in the ocean unless a shark is actively chomping on you. The key to swimming in the ocean is not thinking about all the things lurking around you. Or in my case, the key to dipping your ankles and giving yourself a sponge bath because you’re too afraid to get womped by a wave, die, and wash up on the Jersey shore like all these humpbacks. All that to say, I can’t relate to this song at the moment. Salt water is not fixing my troubles, it singlehandedly IS my trouble. It’s also got a little bit of a let me drown my sorrows in the sea suicide vibe to it and it seems conflicting after just saying the waves won’t break my boat. Mixed messages from Ed if you ask me. Not my favorite track on the album and obviously you won’t find me being kissed by salt water anytime soon.

3. Eyes Closed.* Ed’s first single off the album and hands down my favorite. It is pretty much equally as depressing (content-wise) as the rest, yet surprisingly upbeat! I learned from his doc that he started writing this song years ago as a breakup tune, then revisited it after his friend Jamal died and made some changes so it was more about his grief. Let’s call a spade a spade though, breakups are also kind of deaths. That person is dead to you now, so tomato, tom-ah-to. I like that he used the original recorded vocals from many years ago and threaded it together with his new lyrics that he recorded more recently. That’s the nerd in me thinking HOW COOL that it took him this long to figure out the song and get it to what it is now, which is a banger. Also there’s nothing more relatable to the general public than memories being a double-edged sword. It’s all well and good when that person is still around, but when memories hit and that person isn’t around, it’s painful AF, especially if you’re sauced. Good thing Ed gave us that boppy “eye eye eye eyeeeeeees” joint to sing along to and help us forget.

4. Life Goes On. Back down in the dumps focusing on that garbage feeling after someone dies when life just goes back to normal but anyone in the grieving process feels like nothing will ever be normal again. Ed’s vocals are really strong in this song, hitting real hard on the “SO TELL ME HOW,” which I think will make it a phenomenal belting song for solo road trips when you’re in your feels. Unfortunately, that’s the only positive thing I can say about this song that is the epitome of “everything hurts and I’m dying.”

5. Dusty. Although I love the fact that this has a funky little beat to it and seems to be the much-needed pick-me-up after that previous track, which was a real doozy…I CAN’T with the word dusty. I went through a very long phase where I declared anything I didn’t like as dust (Ex: That iced coffee was DUST.) And on top of that, I’ve very much enjoyed and hopped on the bandwagon of calling people that suck “dusty.” Please note that this most universally applies to men. I don’t make the rules, I just agree with them. (Ex: That dusty ass guy asked for my number after he spilled his drink on me.) That being said, I cannot take a song called Dusty seriously. In my research (reading Genius Lyrics) I learned that Ed is referring to Dusty Springfield records he would often play in the morning with his daughter. It’s sweet and cute that starting the day listening to records with his daughter gave him hope and got him through hard times. BUT DUSTY…DUSTY LEE?!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUYe3DqKg2k

6. End of Youth. Gotta hand it to Ed, he knows how to take some dark subject matter and let it rip. The chorus of this song is a real head-bopper. And this part? This part right here cuts deep: “We spend our youth with arms and hearts wide open / And then the dark gets in and that’s the end of youth.” WOOF. I especially love the addition of violin on this track to further gut you.

7. Colourblind. Clearly a love song, and one full of colorful metaphors to boot, I’m going to take this opportunity to slobber all over Ed’s wife. I’d seen pictures of her here and there but Ed has kept her, their relationship, and their kids completely private and off the grid…up until this documentary. Cherry was just as much a part of it as Ed was and I was delighted to find out that not only is she as cute as a button, but she’s cool as hell too. When talking about getting a tumor and wondering if she was going to die and what legacy she would leave behind, she was holding a beer in one hand and was explaining it to the camera so casually that Ed had to interject and be like you don’t need to downplay almost dying, it’s ok to say it was terrifying. That’s one tough chick. I also very much enjoyed learning that she calls him Eds, he calls her Chez, and they call their second daughter “Jupes.” Is adding an S to everything a British deal, cause I think I want in. Sucks to suck for their firstborn Lyra, who has no cutesy S or Z nickname. I guess Liez doesn’t roll off the tongue as nicely. Anyway, Eds and Chez were besties in high school and reconnected and rekindled after she graduated college and now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of their relationship, I can’t get enough. Chez deserves all the beautiful love songs (like this one) that he’s penned for her. Including Perfect which he wrote for her after like 2 weeks of dating and it took him about an hour to create that masterpiece. What would it be like to have one of the most famous love songs written for you? I’ll have to get back to you on that half past never.

8. Curtains.* It’s trendy to chit chat about mental health these days thanks to my generation of headcases, nbd but KBD. You’re welcome, America. So I’m down with any song that can bottle up how it feels to be anxious or depressed and package it into a catchy tune. I praised Tay’s Anti-Hero and I’ll praise this song for the same reason. More people suffer from depression than you know, and I’ll even go out on a limb and declare that EVERYONE suffers from seasonal depression. Once you walk the boardwalk on a 70 degree day in January and see HOARDS of people smiling and chirping to each other about how amazing the weather is, you don’t need a scientist to declare that winter=a case of the sads. I dig the beat of this song and I’m dangerously close to getting “Let me see the sunshine, shine, shine” tatted up on my forehead cause that’s my damn life motto. Show me the sunshine, baby! Get me out of the blues and gimme dat VITAMIN D.

9. Borderline. Ope, right back down. Going from letting me see the sunshine to “sadness always finds an in” is a real drop down into the dumps and I wasn’t prepared for it nor will I ever be. I don’t want this song, plain and simple. Look, I get that when you’re grieving there’s very few rays of light that peek through. And I get that this song is about finding a balance between the light and the dark. But I also need a little more light now. We’re 9 tracks in and I feel like I’m watching Titanic, if Titanic were to kill someone off every 20 minutes instead of the entire ship dying all at once at the end. Yanno what I’m saying? I really am a sucker for the violin (must come from my hardcore days of headbanging to Yellowcard and watching their violinist do backflips off the amp on their live concert DVD) but it’s kinda like we’re listening to the string quartet as the ship is sinking. And for that reason, I’m out.

10. Spark*. Hey you know what’s hard to keep alive in a marriage that’s supposed to last FOR-EV-ER? The spark. Everyone knows it. As you say your vows with heart eyes beaming at each other you probably don’t picture yourself 40 years down the line wanting to literally pluck your husband’s teeth out one by one if you have to hear him chew a banana one more time. If that sounds oddly specific, please know it’s because it is an actual observation of my parents, whose every movement irritates the other to their very core. SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN MARRIAGE, FOLKS! But it’s chaps like Eds who give us a beacon of light showing that men can be romantics too! He wants to keep the spark alive with Chez and in their doc, they shared how they have scheduled date night into their routine so that they can keep reminding each other why they got married in the first place. How stinkin cute. Also, the orchestra backing during the bridge of this number was *Chef’s Kiss*.

11. Vega. Insider info that anyone who watched the Disney + doc now knows, Ed wrote this song the same day they got the test results on Cherry’s tumor and were told things weren’t looking good. Not for nothing but if my huz found out I had a cancerous tumor and shut himself away to write a song, I’d be PISSED. Luckily the song is all about how she’s going to be fine and it’s very hopeful and lovely. So all’s well that end’s well, and I learned something new about astrology because it was bugging me that I didn’t know what Vega was. It’s the brightest star in the northern constellation of Lyra (Their daughter’s name) and the 5th brightest star seen from Earth’s night sky. Insert ‘the more you know star’ here. Love when I re-learn something I probably learned in middle school from a pop song! Also Ed is a figurative “star” so the meaning here is xxxtra META.

12. Sycamore. I gotta be honest I’m running out of steam here. I know this is a cathartic release for him to write through these terrible life experiences that many people go through (but most don’t have the talent to turn their feelings in the moment to songs.) And yet, I haven’t specifically experienced this and therefore the relatability is low and it’s feeling like a real Debbie Downer of an album. I almost didn’t do a track by track, but I’m a slave to tradition and as long as I have The Salty Ju, I must continue album reviews of everything Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran ever release. Leave it to me to attach my cart to the two most prolific horses in pop music history. Anyway, this song is about not knowing what’s going to happen to your wife or your unborn child and having to rely on doctors to tell you what’s up. At one point in the doc, Ed said if a fan told him they didn’t like this album, he doesn’t really care. And that’s what I like to call fuck you money. He’s making music exclusively for himself now, as is Taylor. If they wanna hold Aaron Dessner hostage in the studio and write a bunch of heavy songs with pianos and strings, they damn sure will and my salty takes aren’t going to stop them.

13. No Strings. The first lyric of this song is “if we make it through this year, then nothing can break us” and I do have one note. I think the lyric should be “if I make it through this album, then nothing can break me.” I will celebrate heavily at the end as I’m sure Chez and Eds did at the start of a new year. All jokes aside, declaring: “‘Cause this is no strings, you are who I love / And that won’t change when we’re fallin’ apart” is couple goals on a billion trillion. Also, trauma bonding is real.

14. The Hills of Aberfeldy*. Oh HELL YEA gimme an Irish lick to end on. It’s no secret that I get AWL the way down to Galway Girl and Nancy Mulligan of the Divide era, so much so that when I set Galway Girl as my ringtone for a solid 2 months after the song came out, my boyfriend at the time NEARLY murdered me having to wake up to an Irish jig every damn morning. OBVIOUSLY read the room of this album, we’re not getting a jig here, it’s more of a solemn loves lost drinking song, but it still has TWINKLE with that music, baby. I accept and I want to just twirl barefoot in a dark countryside bar. Kewl fact (another one from Genius Lyrics) this song was written over 10 years ago and was always meant to be the closer on Subtract. I’ve been working on a humor piece for over a year, does that mean if I let it simmer for 9 more, it’ll be published one day? Asking for myself because working is a generous term for opening the document every few months and then closing it 3 weeks later when I realize I haven’t made one edit to it. WE ARTISTS ARE SUCH TORTURED SOULS. I’m all about sticking with the OG ending even when the album took a sharp left turn from what it was originally supposed to be.

15. Wildflowers (Bonus Track) You know what’s fun about the state of the music industry today where no one is looking to release radio-hits one at a time? You get bonus tracks out the G-D wazoo because nothing needs to be cut anymore when you can just release all of your work via streaming platforms. Looking at you Morgan Wallen and your THIRTY SIX SONG album. Seriously, I smashed play on Morgan’s album while driving my dad to JFK last week knowing that I’d be stressed in traffic and not want to pick new music and that sucker lasted me the whole trip there and half of the way back. Morg-Dawgz is out here dropping RT JFK airport dropoffs like it’s no big thang. UGH sorry I got heated, guys. This new era of music is a little overwhelming. We don’t need a release of every song ever written. Some can be kept for personal enjoyment. That being said, I like the lyrics of this song but it’s boring AF. I feel like we could’ve gone in another direction here to spice it up a little, or just left it on the cutting room floor. They can’t all be winners.

16. Stoned (Bonus Track) I know this song was written by Ed Sheeran but I can’t help but wonder if maybe my ex-boyfriend was a ghost writer on the chorus? Oohh sick burn, Julia. I have to imagine this song was written for the original Subtract many moons ago, as Ed is married with kids and not crying himself to sleep stoned out of his gord.

17. Toughest (Bonus Track) THANK GOD we get a little pep in this chorus. I’m all for this song not only because I can finally bop my noggin again, but because it’s about his wife being tough, which if you’ll remember way back to the beginning of this blog, I called her one tough chick. And if I’m saying that after seeing a canned version of her on a documentary, imagine how tough she is IN REAL LIFE. Cheers to tough chicks (all of them, have you seen how big a baby’s head is? Men could never.) Who run the world? GURLZ.

18. Moving (Bonus Track) Another song completely out of left field in context so I’m guessing it was an old one. I kinda dig it, it sounds completely different than the rest of his songs like he’s trying something new. You know when it’s a great time to try something new? After I just listened to 17 tracks that were depressing as hell. Solid change-up at the very end.

Overall Notes: This was a cave of darkness (not to be confused with a cave of wonders, boy) and I’m about ready to demand Ed open those curtains and show us some sunshine. As always, beautifully written. Because as Ed said himself when explaining how obnoxious these court cases challenging his songwriting have been…why are you punishing him for being good at his job? If he can sit down and write a magnum opus of a song in a half hour, does that mean we should sue him and accuse him of stealing another person’s work? No we shall not. But can we sue him for damages after my tear ducts crap out from listening to this album/watching the doc? LMK, cause I’d like to collect on that. I’m ready for some happier trails ahead from Eds! Perhaps with more Irish flavor?

Updated Official Salty Ju Ranking: 1. Divide 2. Multiply 3. Plus 4. Equals 5. Subtract

Standard
Red Carpet

AMA’s Red Carpet 2022

Gonna keep it real witchu, I thought FOR SURE these awards would have a Taylor performance or at the very least, appearance, and that is exclusively why I tuned in. I had to wait about an hour to even set my peepers on her when she won for Red (Taylor’s Version) and I rubbed my hands together in anticipation for a CLASSIC Taylor dose of acceptance speech truth. Never one to shy away from addressing the elephant in the room, I figured it was a guarantee we’d get a little tidbit about Ticketmaster exclusively ruining my life this week and crushing all of my dreams, even if she said it in a cryptic coded way like she’s known to do. And what did we get instead? NOTHIN. Just a bunch of boring thank you’s for Red. After that, my interest drastically plummeted, unlike the ticket prices for The Eras Tour on StubHub. Since I went through all the trouble of turning on the TV and looking at the “fashion” choices, figured the least I could do was roast them…even though there was absolutely no one noteworthy there. I mean even the host–Wayne Brady?! You serious, Clark? What is going on with awards shows lately that we can’t even drum up a big name celebrity to host, let alone attend.

PS She didn’t walk the red carpet because it would probably ruin her street cred since this awards show guest list was such a stinky loserfest…but she did look like a 70’s disco glam babe and this jumpsuit was backless, so clearly she observes Bovember (Backless November) like I once did in my fun youthful bar-hopping days (may they rest in peace.) You’re welcome for this ratchet TV screen pic.

WORST.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.35.43 PM

STOP TRYING TO MAKE DENIM A THING, EVERYONE. My God I’m so sick of this tongue in cheek ode to Britney and the early 2000’s jown. We get it, the most HORRIFIC styles of the early aughts are back in style. Distressed denim, chunky belts, ginormous crosses reminiscent of True Faith by Ramona Singer and french tips. BARF ALL OVER ME. THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL IT JUST MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE 20 YEARS AGO PARIS HILTON WITHOUT THE SOCIALITE STATUS. Also those extensions immediately transported me to Laguna Beach circa 2005 when Kristin and all of her cronies got extensions for winter formal and it was the most obvious ratty clip-ons that they probably paid thousands of dollars for. Die away from me millennium trends.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.45 PM

I truly don’t know what’s happening here. Did she tie a puffer jacket around her waist and tuck her front braids into it?

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.32 PM

I’m usually down with my girl Bebe shaking that dump truck all over the red carpet in a fitted gown but this is a G-D mess. Girl is a walking loofah.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.33.36 PM

 I actually puked a little bit in my mouth when I saw Grey Suit’s hairy thighs. This is an appalling group outfit choice and it became even more jarring when they won and I had to see everyone’s thigh meat up close and personal on my 60 inch.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.34.49 PM

Super weird grandma’s coffee-stained curtains/bodysuit combo but also I just want to put it out into the universe that I hate hate hate double hate LOATHE ENTIRELY the two toned hair trend. Why is half of your head red and the other half black? Pick a lane.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.01 PM

Ah yes, my fave two pieces in the face hairstyle…there’s always one! Also this dress makes me dizzy.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.38.07 PM

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 9.19.18 PM

This was the only look I had to include a rear view on because VIEW THAT REAR. Holy guacamole. Jessie. WE KNOW YOU HAVE A HOT BOD. WE KNOW THIS. I will never ever ever ever think a dress with a BUILT-IN WHALE TAIL is cute. Trashcan 101.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.39.10 PM

MGK is such a worthless idiot I don’t even like giving him or his leech of a twin flame the time of day because all they want is for people to talk about them. This is the stupidest “look at me” outfit and I hope when he sat down one of his suit protrusions slid right up his buhhole.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.38.19 PM

Not a good enough reason to lose the shirt.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.39.46 PM

I do no support a Miami Vice look in November. Or ever from Charlie Puth.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.11 PM

This is lowkey an ice dancer outfit.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.40.11 PM

Host of the whole damn thing and he showed up in his jammies. He proved he DOES have fashion sense by popping off many spicy outfit changes throughout the show but YA GOTTA have a better fit for the carpet or you don’t deserve to host.

BEST

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.30 PM

RAWR this look is FIERCE.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.09 PM

I dub these two the Leopard King and Queen of the night. They didn’t arrive together and have no affiliation other than great taste in animal print. Jimmie is WERKIN these pants, baby.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.36.18 PM

Always jivin with a Barbie power suit. Could definitely do without the full teeter totter view but VERY happy to report that after the CMA’s red carpet slops yabfest, everyone took notes and this was the ONLY boobage I saw.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.35.58 PM

I don’t think there is anything more adorable than this father/son matching pineapple top hairdo. Just some wholesome red carpet content with these two holding hands and looking adorbs.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.35.12 PM

Very dazzled by this discoball two piece. Mostly I just want to see it in action. Give us a spin, girl! 

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.33.50 PM

Just the right amount of sheen for this country stud.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.33.13 PM

Classic black mini without edgy cutouts, I APPROVE.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.32.53 PM

I think this screenshot was an accident because I have no clue who these guys are but let’s go with it. I love the floral suit the best but all three look great and you can’t beat a geekburger wave at the camera pose to look the LEAST cool.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.37.56 PM

Oh shit this is fresh. This is some Hamptons beach party crisp white vibes and I’m here for it.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.39.34 PM

Pretty sure they wear the same exact thing to every awards show but I still want those luscious curls so they can get away with it.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.44.34 PM

Great color and really economical use of the same fabric here.

Screen Shot 2022-11-20 at 8.45.01 PM

Listen if ya gotta show up to an awards show chock full of youths who have no clue who you are until you point out that Sofia is your daughter, ya gotta pull out all the stops and a smoking jacket like this with the chesties poking out is just that.

 

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Obsessed with these colors, just the right amount of leggage and her hair is mermaid wave perfection. 10/10, Carrie.

Standard
Music

Taylor Swift – Midnights (3am Edition)

Taylor Swift is taking a break from re-releasing every song she’s already released and a million more “from the vault” to bring us her 10th album (for the first time.) And you know what that means, I am obliged to word vomit my opinions on each and every track. As an elder millennial (and I would argue, her target demo since we are the same age) I have outgrown her drop everything for a spur of the moment surprise antics. I full-on missed this album announcement because it happened at the VMA’s, an awards show for Youths that I’ve fully accepted I’m too old for on the same year that she bombards us with this. And when this album came out at midnight and then another 7 songs were dropped GOTCHA style at 3am, I was snug as a bug in a cozy Queen in a blissful state of REM. I woke up, walked the dog, and listened to the album for the first time in the shower while I got ready for work like a G-D adult. No more nonsense for me, Tay! Although I stand by the fact that this woman is a lyrical songwriting genius and deserves her megastardom because of it, I can also admit that releasing every song she’s ever written is getting to be a little overwhelming. Thirteen was a solid album and a feasible amount of tracks for me to pull original commentary out of my ass for this blog. Twenty is really pushing it and we might have to pop open a bottle of wine to get through it. But I have a job to do here, one that I created for myself nearly 8 years ago with 1989 and by God, I’ll continue to fulfill this duty for the loyal Salties.

1. Lavender Haze. In the spirit of being brutally honest, this song was a poor choice for an album opener. Other than the fact that she says “meet me at midnight” at the very beginning, I’m assuming because she wanted to introduce this album, it kind of all around stinks. As she revealed in her little gimmicky “share the track titles through a TikTok each night” bit, the phrase Lavender Haze she ripped from an episode of Mad Men because she liked how it sounded. Intentions are good because she just wanted to sing about how great it is to be in love and how everyone brings you down with their judgements. When this song started, I immediately thought oh I’m going to hate this album because if all the songs sound like this I should probably be on LSD to enjoy it. Luckily, I don’t fully hate the album and this song was just a poor lead-in. Also for all my RHONJ stans out there, this speaks directly to Teresa’s LOVE BUBBLE. So if your’e going to jam out to this song, please jam out to it with this visual because this is the happy ending that you get if you live in that lavender haze. You know what they say, the higher the hair, the more it rubs against your love bubble.

Best Lyric: I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say (Hell YEA, Live your life for yourself, QUEEN.)

2. Maroon. I heard the beat of this song through my shower speaker and was CONVINCED that Spotify did some weird shuffle thing and tossed me over to Taylor’s song with Zayn for 50 Shades of Grey. Like did they use the same track? Did she sample her own song? Is this a part 2? I had so many questions and I guess the only real answer here is that when you’re in your thirties and you’ve been a popstar since 15 churning out hits every single year, at some point they’re bound to start sounding exactly the same. (Most people would suggest that’s when you throw in the towel but I won’t suggest that because I don’t want to anger the Swifie mob.) For an ear refresher, here’s the old sexy 50 shades beat and tell me they’re not identical (not the oh’s in the beginning, obviously):

I like this song. This is more vintage Taylor and probably should’ve been track 1. Visceral storytelling lyrics about love and heartbreak with a killer bridge. That’s the gal we all know and love. Also important to note: our first F bomb of the album. And might I add, the first of many. As an avid F Bomb Thrower, normally I’d be very supportive of adult Taylor deciding to say F it to her younger fans and cuss up a storm on an album. Except that the F bombs that float throughout Midnights are the F bombs of a girl who just discovered F bombs and therefore force them into every sentence whether it makes sense or not. (Say F bomb again.) I know this girl well because I was her in middle school. And no, I’m not trying to sound cool because I realize that a 12 year old popping F bombs into every sentence is trailer trash as hell and I’m sure my parents would’ve been mortified to discover this is the language I was using in the lunchroom with my equally as foul-mouthed friends. But to be in your thirties and just entering your F-Word era is weird and embarrassing. You should know the art of a swear now and when to insert it to make something funnier or angrier. Otherwise, don’t use them at all. “That’s a real fucking legacy to leave” just doesn’t do it for me.

Best Lyric: And I wake with your memory over me

3. Anti-Hero. Her first “single” off the album if we can even call them singles anymore when you release every song you’ve ever written in a journal to the entire world and radio is essentially dead. But that’s neither here nor there. This song is PEAK genius Taylor. Pretty much every female ages 25-35 has or is currently dealing with some type of anxiety, depression, insecurity and is actively in therapy or has been or should be. And Taylor writing a song about the exact intrusive thoughts that every female battles with every single day is just good business on her part. She knows her audience like nobody’s biz and this song caters right to it and has them eating out of the palm of her giant monster hand. “It’s me, Hi, I’m the problem it’s me” will be seared into pop culture history and she damn well knows it by immediately releasing a music video and fanfare over this song. The music video was pretty weird but top cinematic quality that has come to be expected from her productions these days. Bonus points for a little comedian bit to break up the unicorn blood and hijinks.

And now I must address the elephant (monster on the hill) in the room. When I first heard her sing “sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby”, this was my reaction:

I mean I get it. According to the selection of Snapchat and TikTok filters, guys only want to bang babies and cartoons…but still, this wasn’t a visual I wanted painted lyrically. After a few more listens it’s more digestible and makes me want to puke less. Plus, I actualy am a monster on the hill who towers above everyone else. See: every single time I’ve worn heels out and been asked if I was a basketball player. Unfortch I’ve taken my first go-around on Hinge and found that every single male is averaging 5’6″ for height so I guess I’ll continue to monster on the hill alone for the rest of my life while all the sexy babies get married. (I’m the problem, it’s me.)

Best Lyric: When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room

4. Snow On The Beach (ft. Lana Del Ray). Apparently snow at the beach is rare just like falling in love at the same time someone else is falling in love with you. Tay Tay, girlfran, come on over to the Northeast, snow at the beach ain’t that rare, it’s called winter. But I digress, this song is light and airy and is Lana Del Ray even on this song because methinksnot. It’s like when Chris Stapleton was featured on “I Know You Think About Me” and was allowed to duet on the chorus and that’s it. No one runs the show like T.Swift. Gets top artists to come sing backups on her album. Also, it would be wrong of me not to point out another stupid use of the F word. “Rare but fucking beautiful.” Are you a stoner now, ma’am? Yooooo, look at those waves, they’re fuckin beautiful, man!

Best Lyric: Life is emotionally abusive / And time can’t stop me quite like you did

5. You’re On Your Own, Kid. This one hit hard and I wasn’t expecting it to. Buzzy pop beat with lyrics that are a real throat punch. Hey, you’ll always be on your own so get comfy with that. WOOF. This song is loneliness as an art form.

Best Lyric: ‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned / Everything you lose is a step you take

6. Midnight Rain. I’m incredibly weirded out by this synth voice that is either her voice very manipulated or Jack Antonoff’s and for that reason I’m out on this song. Also can’t really relate to a song about focusing on making a name for yourself in Hollywood instead of getting married and popping out kids in backwoods Pennsylvania.

Best Lyric: And I never think of him / Except on midnights like this

7. Question…? Big fan of asking questions over here so I appreciate Taylor trying to normalize the annoying female phrase “can I ask you a question?” Does that justify the use of “Fuckin’ situations”? Nope sure doesn’t. BUT “Fuckin politics”? YES MA’AM. FINALLY! Using the f word as an adjective in an appropriate manner. Because FUUUUCKKINNN POLITICS, BRUH. I’ll also fully support the lyric “some dickhead guy” because calling a guy a dickhead will always slap. So even though this song isn’t a 10/10, we got fuckin politics and dickhead guys and sometimes it’s the simple things that bring the most pleasure.

Best Lyric: ‘Cause I don’t remember who I was Before you painted all my nights A color I’ve searched for since

8. Vigilante Shit. Alright I know I’ve mostly sounded like a hater so far (I mostly am), but this Vigilante Shit is Good Shit. I SCRAMBLED to get to my phone to type “I don’t start shit but I can tell you how it ends.” That line has some STANK on it. Sheesh. I felt like I got knocked right back to 2017 black lipstick wearin, hood up, I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me, Taylor. I love it when she gives us badgrrl ‘tude. Get your revenge, BB! I’ve read two theories here. One is that she’s singing about ruining Scooter Braun’s life and teaming up with his ex wifey and the other is that she’s singing about ruining Kim and Kanye. I think she’d sooner saw her arms up with a butter knife than team up with Kimmy K so I’ll go with the Scooter theory because I can see her being besties with Yael. “While he was doin lines” (Scooter seems like a real big coke guy) “someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI” (she sued Scooter over selling her masters and not letting her buy them back) and apparently Scooter cheated on his wife with Erika Jayne from RHOBH (WORLDS COLLIDING) and that’s what ended his marriage. I will laugh my ass off if Taylor had a hand in his wife finding out that little nugget. Of course we will never know the truth but at least we have this badass revenge song to jam to foreva.

Best Lyric – Every lyric in this song is an A+ cold hard burn but obviously the best one is: I don’t start shit but I can tell you how it ends.

9. Bejeweled. Don’t ask me to explain this because I truly cannot but this song makes me think of the Nick Jr. show Shimmer and Shine. A flash in the pan obsession for my niece but it features some middle eastern cartoon princesses with bright jewel tone ponytails. ALL of the words in this song and the kind of peppy childlike beat to it is eerily cartoon-like.

Best Lyric: Didn’t notice you walkin’ all over my peace of mind In the shoes I gave you as a present (the only one without a reference to sparkles, jewels, diamonds, gems, etc…)

10. Labyrinth. Full disclosure I had no clue how to spell that word and when I looked at Spotify to cheat I said out loud “labby-rinth” so I would remember where to put the Y. STOP MAKING ME LOOK DUMB, TAYLOR. Obviously a real breathy number. I’m fine with it mostly because I’m scared to say I hate so many of these songs. If it hasn’t become clear to you yet, Midnights is not a top album for me overall. Plus, we get weird synthy-man voice again in this song. I wish that voice would go away. It makes me think of when a movie wants to show the character is high as balls and distorts everyone’s voices as if all of us watching the movie at home are not smart enough to notice when someone is tripping their face off without that detail.

Best Lyric: I’ll be gettin’ over you my whole life.

11. Karma. If you thought I was being a bitch on this track by track so far BUCKLE YO SEATBELTS because I’m about to throw hands over this song. Karma is listed as about 100 things in these simpleton childish goofy ass lyrics but not once does she tell the truth which is KARMA IS STUPID. This song BLOWS and of course it’s the song most likely to get stuck on a loop in your brain until the end of time. Much like the 30 second refrain from Hocus Pocus 2 that my niece wouldn’t stop singing last weekend…the only lyrics were “the witches are back” and thankfully that is now out of my head but unfortunately this trash took its place. I’m not even holding back how much this song made me want to rip my ears clean off my head. We can’t have Vigilante Shit and Karma exist on the same damn record. Vigilante Shit is BADASS we ride at midnight and kill every single man who has wronged us. Karma is pigtails and suckers skipping through the mall giggling about Steve from Language Arts passing the note to Jennifer B. when it was meant to go to Jennifer L. to ask her to the homecoming dance. Karma is my boyfriend! Lolz. BOOOOO THIS SONG. BOOOOOOOOOO. And the part where she says “Karma’s on your scent like a bounty hunter” the idiotic way she sings bounty sounds like bouncy and for probably 4 rotations of this song I was like WHAT THE HELL IS A BOUNCY HUNTER and kept picturing Elmer Fudd bouncing through the forest with a rifle and his big ole hat bopping atop his head.

Best Lyric: NONE. Every single word in this song makes me want to bang my head against the wall because me and walls vibe like that just like Taylor and Karma vibe like that EYE ROLL OF THE CENTURY.

12. Sweet Nothing. Thank the Lord we came back down to earth and got off of Bubblegum Planet for this one. Back to the basics with warm hug relationship storytelling. Taylor is in her forever relationship so we’ve been getting a lot of wistful “I finally know what true love is” types of songs. She found herself a mans who wants nothing from her but looooooooooove. Happy for her but also she can stop acting like she went through hell and back to find a man because she found her LP at 26 while us women in our thirties are fighting for our lives to get a guy taller than them who won’t send a creeptastic pervy first message. But seriously tho, happy for her.

Best Lyric: I find myself runnin’ home to your sweet nothings (this song was a whole lot of sweet nothins for lyrics so it was slim pickins)

13. Mastermind. TOTAL SPIN MOVE to go from lalala we love each other and he’s my home and it’s sweet nothings to I manipulated all of this so we ended up together. Listen this song could be fiction and playing into us thinking she’s a real witchy mastermind, but I wouldn’t put it past her to also have set her sights on Joe and MADE.IT.HAPPEN.MAMA. The best part is she waited 4 years into the relationship to drop this little nugget and now it’s TOO LATE FOR JOE TO THINK SHE CRAZY AS HELL AND LEAVE! MUHAHAHHAA. That is the work of a mastermind. Anyway, this was the end to the album until 3 hours later on Friday when Taylor was like but wait, there’s more! If I had to judge the album solely on these first 13 tracks I’d give it a thumbs down. I basically only loved two songs. Not great. But let’s dive into the extras because it might help her chances on getting a Salty Ju stamp of approval.

Best Lyric: ‘Cause we were born to be the pawn In every lover’s game

14. The Great War. Good start to the bonus songs because I like this better than half the ones that made the original album cut. Groovy beat in the chorus and the sassy uh-huh really gets me goin. Fighting that brings a couple closer together, love that journey for them. (Spoiler & self promo alert: I’m about to drop a new humor piece that directly references that. Cause what says true love like fighting?!)

Best Lyric: Spineless in my tomb of silence (There’s so many lyrics that just sound cool in this song. It’s chill of Taylor to write a song about fighting about petty shit and make it poetic as hell.)

15. Bigger Than The Whole Sky. This one pulls at the heartstrings because it’s most likely about a miscarriage, essentially losing something before you’ve even met them, mourning what could have been. It’s sweet in a ‘cry your eyes out’ kind of way. Once again, would’ve happily taken this song over any of the others on the original album, jus sayin.

Best Lyric: Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears (Could’ve said tears here but “salt streams” is just, chef’s kiss. I have no notes. )

16. Paris. Another bop, TBH. Who was advising her on what tracks would make the cutting room floor? I mean I know it’s a moot point because she releases every word she records anyway, but I’m digging the bonus tracks WAY harder than the album tracks. Not only is this fun but it also makes me think of Lauren not going to Paris and also at the same time just makes me think of studying abroad and actin a damn fool in a foreign country but calling it an education. Kicking off the song with this little ditty: “And all the outfits were terrible – 2003, unbearable – “Did you see the photos?” – No, I didn’t, but thanks, though” was nostalgia in the best way. No one wants to remember 2003 fashion and yet we’re all reminded of it BECAUSE IT’S ALL COMING BACK NOW. But seriously though, I laughed out loud at that and pictured Lizzie McGuire traipsing around Rome in her corduroy newsboy cap and low rise bell bottoms. Terrible. Cheap wine make believe it’s champagne? That sums up my entire study abroad experience. Cheap wine and kebabs. This song has transported me to so many different places (none of them, Paris)–Bravo, Tay!

Best Lyric: I wanna brainwash you Into loving me forever (We’ve all been there amirite?! Just me?! Coolcoolcool.)

17. High Infidelity. Cheating Tay is back! After a dalliance in Folklore’s Illicit Affairs, she’s dabbling again and has risen the question that EVERYONE IS DYING TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO. Where the hell was Taylor Swift on April 29th. Inquiring minds NEED to know. Honestly by the time this is published I have absolutely no doubt that her psychotic sleuth fans will have video footage and timestamped photos from that date for every single year Taylor has been alive curated into a powerpoint presentation on TikTok. (Immediately as I typed this I went back to Lyrics Genius to copy my favorite lyric of the song and found a lengthy description about how she was dancing with Tom Hiddleston 3 days before the Met Gala on April 29th, 2016 and was still dating Calvin Harris at the time.) I don’t think ya girl has it in her to be a cheater but sure we’ll play along. (I stand corrected.) Another catchy little beat. I feel like it’s important to note that I dusted the ole bike tires off this weekend and took my teal lady for a spin on the boardwalk twice since the weather finally allowed it and both times my bike ride was scored by this album. So if we’re rating these songs on ocean breeze cruising down the boardwalk vibes, they get a 10/10. What doesn’t get a 10/10 were the two wedding parties spread out taking photos mid-boardwalk and the number of families who walked five across as if they own this public stretch of wooden planks. Nothing kills a T.Swift Groovin Bike Vibe like coming to a screeching halt and having to walk your bike behind someone who has zero self-awareness and won’t get the hell out of the way.

Best Lyric: You know there’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love / The slowest way is never loving them enough (THE TRUTH IN THIS. YIKES.)

18. Glitch. My first NOPE of the bonus tracks. Can’t get down with this one. It’s slow and clunky and I gotta be honest I’m not a big booty big ole fan of when Taylor goes into her highest octave. Sounds kinda whiny. So I’mma go ahead and pass on this friends with benefits tune.

Best Lyric: I’d go back to wanting dudes who give nothing (Oof hits a lil close to home to probably every girl singing “I’m the problem, it’s me” with their whole soul.)

19. Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve. Last year was Jake’s reckoning to be dragged in 10 whole minutes of brutal and apparently now she’s firing shots at John Mayer? As Swiftie Sleuths pointed out, Taylor was 19 when she was with John Mayer (track 19) and she’s 32 now, which was how old he was at the time of their *affair*. Look, I think it’s cheap shots to double back to a relationship that happened 13 years ago (oh, I see what she did there) just to drag the guy but also I’m not going to not sit here and pop my popcorn. John Mayer went through a REAL asshole phase and has probably had to answer to that a lot in his elder years where I think he’s calmed down quite a bit but releasing brand new music (not from the vault) about a guy who probably just wanted to get laid at the time is a scooch overdramatic. I think maybe it’s time to let sleeping dogs (Jake & John) lie. Good song though for being a giant F U to Johnny. PS This would’ve been an IDEAL time to drop a real F bomb. For example: “The tomb won’t fucking close.” Now THAT packs a punch. Not saying Taylor should have me in the writers room with her but not not saying that either. If there’s one thing I have an eye for it’s where to insert a swear for dramatic effect… for proof look no further than the time I broke up with my 6th grade boyfriend on AIM and said “I’m so fuckin sorry” when he wah-wah’ed about it. Then promptly got grounded and internet was ripped from my little trashmouth fingers for MONTHS when my sister narc’ed on me. So long story short, I’ve been through the trenches and would’ve happily weighed in on how to achieve the best Parental Advisory for this album.

Best Lyric: Memories feel like weapons

Best J.May Burn: I miss who I used to be / The tomb won’t close / Stained glass windows in my mind / I regret you all the time (OoF, Johnny Boy that can’t feel good to hear)

20. Dear Reader. Honestly what the hell is this song. Respectfully. She’s trying to close out with sage life advice I guess, but if we eliminated Dear Reader in every aspect of this song I’d like it 1 zillion times better. Like we don’t need to feel like we’re reading Dear Abby while listening to your music, booboo. It also makes me think of Britney’s song Dear Diary where she literally sang “Today I saw a boy” and my God if I knew I could make millions and become famous off of the garb I wrote in my diary, I would be laughing all the way to the bank. That’s why I can’t support this lazy trope for a song. You’re better than this, Taylor. You have the ability to take an emo journal entry about a boy breaking your heart and spin it into lyrical gold. Dear Reader is beneath you.

Best Lyric: Never take advice from someone who’s falling apart (I think this is why no one comes to me for advice.)

Overall Album Notes: I mean it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out from this rambling betchfest that I’ve fallen off a little bit with Taylor and this album wasn’t really hitting for me. She’s really been inundating us with new music and I think I’ve finally reached my breaking point. I’ll say it until I’m six feet under that the chick is BEYOND talented in songwriting and taking either a simple premise or experience and telling it in 100 different relatable ways through words that just seem to roll of the tongue. HOW-EV-ER, there’s also a limit to the amount of times we can draw from the same well before it gets a touch overplayed. I don’t think I realized how eh I was about this album until I started this blog so thank you for joining me on this lengthy journey of discovering that I might be aging gracefully out of my Taylor stan era. I mean, shit, 5 albums in two years is a lot. (Yes, I’m counting Taylor’s Version albums as well because they all had new tracks on them.) I’m tired, BBGirl!

Standard
Music

Taylor Swift – Red (Taylor’s Version)

When we left things in December of 2020, I was at the end of my rope with sad Tay songs. We had just gotten folklore and evermore back to back and there were whispers of a third in woodvale. If you fast forward to the end of my evermore track by track review you’ll find that I said THAT’S ENOUGH. I couldn’t take anymore sobsies. Then a month later she announced Fearless (Taylor’s Version.) We have literally been inundated with Taylor Swift surprise announcements every few months for 2 years now. If you’d like to see my much bitched about rant on this “Taylor’s Version” era, feel free to click HERE and read #5 so I don’t repeat myself for the zillionth time. Down here on earth, I’m a rational fan. I can lose my G-D mind over her releasing a 10 minute version of my favorite song of all time and also be like ok, everyone calm down now. It’s too much. Short films and surprise music videos and her psycho fans are eagle eyeing every TikTok guessing which album will be re-released next. So from an old bird who puts her pajamas on the second she walks in the door from work, here’s a grounded view of Red (Taylor’s Version.)

*It is important to note that Red was released pre-The Salty Ju (so there is no official blog) but it is and has always been my favorite Taylor album. It came out in the fall of my senior year of college, it will forever give me cruising down the thruway in Upstate NY with peak foliage vibes and *not to brag* but I turned 22 that year so THAT SONG WAS BASICALLY WRITTEN FOR ME and anyone who has turned 22 since doesn’t matter and that’s pretty obvious. My age nearly matching up with Taylor has made her albums that much more relatable. Except for the fact that I never had a 3 month whirlwind affair with a Hollywood actor 9 years older than me. But whatevs, my point being that I’ve always been a Red stan and I’ll take any excuse to throw it on rotation and drive around on a crisp fall day singing along. Even though I never originally gave it a track by track review, it wouldn’t be honest to give my gut reactions to these songs I’ve been listening to for 8 years now, also there were THIRTY songs on this album so we will only be breaking down the 9 “from the vault” tracks we’ve never heard before.

Better Man. Alright so there’s two songs “from the vault” (alright, Walt Disney) that were actually written by Taylor and then when she cut them from Red, she sold them off to other country singers to perform. This one was handed over to Little Big Town. So it’s kinda cheating to be like eh this song doesn’t make the cut on my album, sell it to another artist and then circle back and be like I want it now. Total Indian Giver move. If you haven’t been keeping up though, Taylor does whatever the hell she wants now. So LBT can suck it. It’s a classic country breakup ballad though. Cause sometimes you can realize your ex was T-rash but still miss them.

Best Lyric: I know the bravest thing I ever did was run.

Nothing New (Feat Phoebe Bridgers). Immediately was digging on this song. Duetting with Phoebe’s haunting breathy voice really elevated the typical Taylor sound here. Seemed like something that would’ve fit perfectly on her last two emo albums except it’s not about breakups, it’s about when you’re not a shiny new singer anymore and everyone is over you. Based on the pop culture takeover that Taylor has commanded with this re-release and the fact that Spotify literally crashed on Friday at midnight, I don’t think this is a legitimate concern of Taylor’s anymore. And might I add, staying up past 11 on a school night when you’re 30 is embarrassingly difficult and being met with a Spotify “the page you’re looking for does not exist” was a real boner kill. I had myself questioning if I misunderstood which day it was dropping and after finally getting a lil listen in snug as a bug in bed, I was a literal zombie the next morning when my alarm went off. I’m getting too old for this shit. THANKFULLY we had a 7PM short film premiere and now coming up, a 10AM music video. Much more convenient. PS between the “I’ve had too much to drink tonight” and “how long will it be cute, all this crying in my room” I looked around to see if there was a hidden camera in my apt then realized it was physically impossible for 2010 Taylor to know that 2021 Julia is either drunk or crying or bonus round *both* on any given day.

Best Lyric: Criticize the way you fly/ When you’re soaring through the sky/ Shoot you down and then they sigh/ And say, “She looks like she’s been through it”

Babe. The second take backsies on Red (TV.) This one was released by Sugarland but did have Taylor featured on it so it’s not a total rip from Jennifer Nettles’ paws. It is a little weird though because Jennifer has a very distinctive voice so redoing any of her tunes is a stark difference. It’s just meh for me. “What about your promises, promises” would’ve slapped harder with a 3LW lisp. And to be even more honest, a little word association with the word babe immediately brings me back to the Jason Sudeikis & Kristen Wiig “Two A-Holes” SNL bit. Sucks to be you with a normal brain and have lovely positive associations with this term of endearment and then I stomped in and blew that right to smithereens with a callback to Jason chomping gum at warp speed, tacking babe on at the end of every sentence. You’re WELCOME, BEB.

Best Lyric: I hate that because of you, I can’t love you, babe (BEB.)

Message In A Bottle. What a zesty little banger this is! Again, total curveball in the grand scheme of this album. I feel like this would’ve popped OFFFF on 1989 and I’m surprised she lumped it into the Red era. Realistically, every song that Taylor writes and records is a message in a bottle. LOL to think that she’s like I wonder if the person will hear this. Yeah, girl. 90.8 million people hear the message. Anyway, there’s nothing deep to say about this song. It’s fun and 80’s and I can’t wait to dance my face off to it.

Best Lyric: You could be the one that I keep, and I / I could be the reason you can’t sleep at night (Honestly these lyrics are dumb, sorry not sorry. The song ain’t about the lyrics, it’s about having a crush and groovin it out.)

I Bet You Think About Me (Feat Chris Stapleton). The first time I heard this song I cringed because I L O A T H E when Taylor puts on a Dolly twang. It’s so tacky to me. You grew up in Pennsylvania, girl. If anything you should be saying “hoagie” like an uneducated moron, not have a southern drawl. (Please know that when I diss the PA accent, I’m fully aware of the fact that I say “calendar” like an uneducated moron. We’ve all got stupid accents depending on where we grew up.) Obviously everyone has heard “Our Song” and essentially every other song on her debut album where she put on QUITE the show with a little hick flair. While I do enjoy over-enunciating the words to Our Song just to piss off everyone around me, I’m still never going to be down with faking an accent just to do a country song. ESPECIALLY now that you’re a seasoned musician who has proven to be talented beyond belief. We don’t need the dog and pony show you were putting on as a fresh on the scene teenaged singer. Plus, in front of Chris Stapleton?! Girl. Do better. He’s a Nashville ruby red gem. The soulful voice of a cherub and the humble aw shucks I’m just grateful to be here personality that few actually have. I was a little disappointed he didn’t get his own verse like Phoebe did on her guest appearance. I love to hear Chris let it rip. But now that I’ve dumped on the lack of Chris and the presence of fake accent Taylor, I am happy to share that I do really like this song. The cocky laugh at the beginning and the tell-off ‘tude overall is GRAND. I love a snarky Tay. I’ll be the first to admit that 2010 Jake Gyllenhaal was a total babe soda, but my God what a dooooouuuuuuuchhhheeeee. Love that she gave us more ammo to DRAG him because any a-hole who brags about his indie music and his Hollywood connects and leads book talks over wine with his friends deserves to be pooped all over via twangy sass. Million dollar couch and organic shoes?! BOOOOOOO, JAKE, BOo0oOooOo0Oo. Can’t wait for this Blake Lively directed music video.

Best Lyric: I bet you think about me when you say / “Oh my god, she’s insane, she wrote a song about me” – This is the best possible way to end a song where you just DUMPED all over an ex. Wanna call me crazy, DO IT BITCH.

Forever Winter. Considering the content of this song is about someone being severely depressed, it slaps real hard. The way she goes up an octave in the chorus and the oh, oh, oh’s. Chef’s kiss. Apparently it was written for a friend who died of an overdose at 21. So yeah I feel like a real asshat for being like WOW COOL SONG, but also, cool song. Seriously, to have the ability to take a shitty situation and word vom all of your feelings into a bangpiece of a song is something I’ll forever be envious of as I sit on this blog and write poop jokes day in and day out. We’ve all got talents, folks. Some of them are just more impressive than others.

Best Lyric: He spends most of his nights wishing it was how it used to be / He spends most of his flights getting pulled down by gravity

Run (Feat Ed Sheeran). This was the first song Ed and Taylor ever wrote together and even though I’m a BIG fan of Everything Has Changed (and the adorable video that they made to go with it,) this song is like a warm hug after a shitty day. The simplicity to it and their harmonizing voices are perfect. Maybe if something like this was on Ed’s latest album, I wouldn’t have been so hard on it. The way they take turns singing each line is just downright delicious. I’m not saying I wish Ed and Taylor ended up together but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Best Lyric: There’s been this hole in my heart / This thing was a shot in the dark / Say you’ll never let ’em tear us apart

The Very First Night. Another bubblegum pop beat about falling in love and wanting to be up that person’s butthole 24/7. It’s a gift how I can take a cute little song and incorporate the world butthole into it. For realz though everyone knows when you’re in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and you want to follow that person into the bathroom so that you never have to be apart for even one second. It’s all fun and games and smothering until one time you get too snuggly while your boyfriend is eating dinner and he tells you to back off. HONEYMOON PHASE ENDS WITH A SHARP LEFT, FOLKS. Jus sayin. So enjoy this song and soak in the “I miss you so hard when we don’t talk for five minutes” glow while it lasts because as Tay sings…”we broke the status quo, then we broke each other’s hearts.” See? Dark turn.

Best Lyric: I drive down different roads / But they all lead back to you

All Too Well (Ten Minute Version). HERE IT IS BABY. Saved the best for last. Taylor dropped the “oh I have a ten minute version with swear words” morsel over a year ago at this point and since then I’ve been salivating in wait for its release. She obviously knew how savage we all were for this treasure and she built it up as much as one possibly could. Any true fan did exactly what I did upon the re-release of this album. Midnight hit (I refreshed Spotify 5 times until the album appeared) and I scrolled straight down to this track and smashed play. Nothing else mattered. I knew I would get to them eventually but first order of business was see if this was going to ruin the best breakup song ever written or make it infinitely better. And here’s my Salty Ju hot take. My very first listen I was not blown away. I felt like it didn’t flow. These new verses almost sounded like they were parts of a different song, wedged in and disjointed with the perfection that was the OG All Too Well. Then I slept on it. And when I revisited it the following day (SEVERAL times), I was able to approach with a clearer head. Obviously a song that’s 10 minutes long is going to sound nothing like the original version half its length. I’m so glad we got that one first and nothing will ever top it. But now I’m able to appreciate the bigger picture. And that picture is her spilling more tea on how much Jake stinks. And yes, I am absolutely here for it. I prepped all week to get in my feels and become one with heartbreak. The weather cooperated.

@thesaltyju

To ALL of my friends begging me to hang out…I’m booked on Friday night. #redtaylorsversion #swifttok #alltoowell

♬ All Too Well (In the Style of Taylor Swift) [Instrumental Version] – The Karaoke Studio

If I may go verse by verse of the new lyrics…*pops the top on a $7 rosé (shout out Wegmans)*

[Verse 2]
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother’s telling stories ’bout you on the tee-ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me
And you were tossing me the car keys, “fuck the patriarchy”
Key chain on the ground, we were always skipping town
And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now
He’s gonna say it’s love, you never called it what it was
‘Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing it’s the same
After three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame

I was hoping for Taylor to be so overcome with emotion that there were several F bombs. As someone who in the throes of a 6th grade breakup instant messaged “I’m so fuckin sorry” to my weasel of a boyfriend (of two weeks) for how much whining he was doing that I said we should break up so I could play the middle school field, I understand all too well how heartbreak (and guilt) can cause someone to swear like a sailor. Unfortunately, this much hyped explicit content was SUCH a letdown. Making fun of Jake for having a “fuck the patriarchy” keychain is SnOoZeWoRtHy. Come onnnnnnn. Give us some snarky F bombs not a “oOoh you’re a feminist but not really because you treated me like shit” dig. Besides that lamewad keychain, the additional lyrics further paint the picture that in these brief three months, their 9 year age gap was a huge point of contention and Taylor fell HOARD while Jake was more in love with himself than anything else. So right off the bat we get that she was WAY more into it than him and that he was almost ashamed or wanted it to be a secret from his snotty crowd.

And there we are again when nobody had to know / You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath

And then we get to my FAVE new verse. It flows like butta and honestly by like the third rotation of me listening, I was getting annoyed with myself that I hadn’t learned the words yet. Yes that’s right, a 10 minute song that was out for mere hours I was disappointed in not having known every single word of.

[Verse 3]
They say all’s well that ends well, but I’m in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you
Not weeping in a party bathroom
Some actress asking me what happened, you
That’s what happened, you
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sipping coffee like you’re on a late-night show
But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come
And he said, “It’s supposed to be fun turning twenty-one”

OH MY GOD WHERE TO BEGIN. How about with that first line “all’s well that ends well but I’m in a new hell” YEAH BABY. THE FLOW. Then going right into the savagery of “that’s what happened, YOU.” Damn, dude. I don’t care how many years have passed, that’s gotta hurt. And then to double down with some good ole fashioned Dad guilt. Hey remember when you charmed my dad but then he watched me sob on my 21st birthday because of your stupid ass. MY DAD HATES YOU NOW. But also, not shocking at all that Tay spent her 21st crying instead of getting trashed. Without a lame 21st birthday…would we have gotten the joyful anthem that is 22?! PROBABLY NOT, so for that Jake, we thank you for your service.

And then if I may be a scooch critical… by adding in the previous verse, we kinda lose the buildup BANG of crumpled piece of paper and you keep my old scarf. The original “All Too Well” CRUSHES at building up to a real scream-fest and I love it a whole lot, but with this sprawling story, there’s really no screaming climax. I miss it. Don’t get me wrong, Verse 3 also hits hard, but it’s a more subtle slow burn. And then we arrive at the completely unnecessary final new verse where I was almost like ok, he’s got a family, let’s pull back here. It seemed a little TOO “wait let me make him feel worse.” If the final verse was cut I don’t think that I’d miss it. Plus the beat completely changes and it’s just weird. It feels to me like it doesn’t fit.

[Verse 5]
And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes
“I’ll get older, but your lovers stay my age”
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I’m a soldier who’s returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
‘Cause in this city’s barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well

Like yeah, the pussy posse is always going to slay girls half their age, we’ve all accepted that. Leo’s getting the last laugh at any criticism of his latest young boo thing and I can tell you Jake probably feels the same way. Does it suck that he pointed out your age difference as the reason why things weren’t working then continued to date girls your age? For sure. But it seems a little dramats to compare your heartbreak to a war survivor. I realize I’m one of the most dramatic people on this earth and I’m telling a fellow drama queen to tone it down but it comes from a genuine place. Know when to amp up the drama and when to let it simmer. “That’s what happened, YOU” was a sick burn, no need to then be like YOU BROKE MY BODY AND I WAS AT WAR FROM DATING YOU. It’s too much, girl. Also, the use of the phrase “twin flame” will unfortunately always bring my brain to the two cesspools of tongue that are Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox and that’s not your fault, Tay. Obviously in 2010 you had no clue these two morons would tromp into the spotlight and overshare about their sexual connection. And I’ll be honest it’s not the only zeitgeist buzzword that has made me want to drill a hole in my brain. The term gaslighting, which MANY fans have been using as they break down this song makes me want to take a dive directly off of a cliff. I wish we could do a collective crash course on what the actual definition of this stupid therapy term is because METHINKS that it’s being used incorrectly 90% of the time. If I were to blindly believe the majority of the population these days, every man is a narcissist who gaslights. But that’s a story for another time. From this verse we transition into basically the same lyrics repeated over and over again with this sexy slow jam beat. Going out with a whimper not a bang even though it sounds like we’ve got a little horns section cookin at the end.

WHAT A JOURNEY. From the haunting and melancholy tone of the first piano keys to start to this echo-y sensual sendoff. It is basically a movie playing out in musical form. So much so that Taylor said, you know what? I’m literally going to make it into a movie. Never one to be less than extra, she created this short film to go along with the song. It was fine. If I was missing F bombs in the song they were certainly in no short order in these fight scenes. If you’re so inclined to spend 15 minutes watching a relationship break down as the leaves fall, check it out. Or even if you want to see Taylor as a ginge. (Spoiler alert: fast forward to the end for that.)

Would it have been mind-bending if Jake himself made an appearance at the end rather than just some schmuck named Jake? Yes OBVIOUSLY. But alas, it doesn’t seem like these two could bury the hatchet for the sake of shock value. And realistically, it seems like Jake’s sense of humor is trash so him being in on the joke would be way too much to ask. But after my RAMBLING breakdown of the song Swifties have been patiently waiting for, if you’re not a Tay fan and you just skimmed through this, I will give a 10/10 recommendation to her SNL debut of this song. Just from an artist performance standpoint, she rocked it. The drama and the effects and the emotion as she sang this song were all nailed perfectly and that’s saying a lot from someone who hasn’t watched SNL live in so long that I had to google what time it started. I watched the whole stupid show just for this one performance that I could’ve easily YouTubed the next morning but THAT IS DEDICATION FOLKS and it paid off. I had chills. CHILLS I TELL YOU.

As Colin Jost said immediately following this performance: “The lesson we all learned this week is never break up with Taylor Swift or she will sing about you for ten minutes on national television.” DAS RIGHT, HOMESLICE. Ok but seriously I’m done now for realz. I got what I wanted and now I’m going to play it on loop, learn the words front to back and ruin my best friend’s wedding this weekend by drunkenly performing it at the reception probably using my beer as a fake microphone. Congrats and every happiness to the new couple but…THEY SAY ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AND I’M IN A NEW HELL EVERY TIME YOU DOUBLE CROSS MY MIIIIINNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD.

Standard
Music

Ed Sheeran – Equals

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the English orangehead loop-stompin monster back after a LENGTHY hiatus with new music. That seems to be the theme lately. I realize not every artist can be Taylor Swift, recording or re-recording a full album each month, but also WHY THE DRY SPELL?! Well, in Ed’s case, it was pretty understandable. Since his last record (Divide, fully reviewed by The Salty Ju upon its release in 2017) Ed has gone cold turkey with the partying, gotten married to a gal named Cherry, and had a baby unfortunately named Lyric Antarctica. So I GUESS he’s been a little busy. We’ll let it slide…for now. This comeback (but don’t call it a comeback) album is titled = or Equals and if you’ve been keeping up with Ed’s discography, is right on par for his math symbols theme. Although, if I may be picky, this seems like a final call if we want to get deep. He’s already released +, x & ÷ and you would THINK the grand finale would be = because that’s typically the end of a math equation. HOWEVER, he still hasn’t used – (minus.) Just some deep thoughts I’m having as I overthink the meaning of math symbols just like Swifties overthink every social caption she’s posted since 2009. Anyway, I’ve done my homework and listened to this album on repeat all weekend long in preparation for this blog. I just know you were all overcome with anticipation for this track by track review because you can’t TRULY enjoy new music until you’ve heard my opinions on it. So without further ado…EQUALS.

  1. Tides*. The very first lyric that Ed sings on his comeback after an off the grid 4 years is “I have grown up, I am a father now.” WHOA. Ok, hot start. He’s setting that damn tone. We’re not going to have any cheeky references to your new douchey boyfriend getting his asshole bleached on Equals, because Ed is a DAD now, guys. It was with this single lyric in the first 5 seconds of listening to this album that I was like oh, fudgsicles. We’re about to get served with 14 songs oozing love and happiness for his new family life. And I have to be completely honest with you, I almost didn’t want to listen. I almost heard this first lyric, rolled down my window driving down 195 and tossed my phone right into the breeze. But I didn’t. Mostly because I’m still paying off that brand new upgraded iPhone, but also because I’m 30 now, guys. I’d like to think I’m mature enough to listen to music about people being blissful in their fairytale life and not want to drive my car off the road because that’s not where my life is. I’ve GROWN. (Quick context: as I’m typing this, I’m hysterically laughing.) But seriously, I’m going to try to listen to this album with an open mind even though I hate when musicians are happier than a pig in shit and therefore only release love songs. (See: Taylor Swift’s Lover which she conveniently released as I was going through a breakup. Thanks for that, TAY.) Ok, so now that I’ve given you that very lengthy preamble, I’ll actually get to the meat of this blog, judging the music. I really like this song. Musically, when he sings the chorus and then jams on those strings to bring it back up again, it makes me want to do a cartwheel. And you know what? I can. Because the message of this song is live your damn life because life is like an ocean, always changing tides, yo!
  2. Shivers. This song was one of the few pre-released singles before we got the whole album. Click here to see my initial thoughts on the music video. As per usual when I first hear a single that’s a little different than what I’m used to from an artist I’m like KILL IT WITH FIRE, and then my hysterics calm down after a few listens. Now that I have the cohesive album, I’m thankful for these club beats to break up all of the I LOVE MY WIFE AND BABY deep cuts. #Grateful for a beat I can drop it down low to and not have to overthink. I’ll be sure to introduce this one to my playlist for the next kitchen dance party with my four year old niece.
  3. First Times. There’s the Ed we know. The classic romantic, introspective love song. If this wasn’t so specific to his achievements in his career, I’d say it’ll be this album’s overused first dance song at weddings. But if I had to venture a guess, no one wants to slow dance to a song about how playing a sold-out crowd at Wembley stadium wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Gawd, Ed. BE MORE UNGRATEFUL. Just kidding, obviously the point of this song is to say that no achievement is worth shit without the love of your life, and every moment with them is the best achievement ever. Or whatevs.
  4. Bad Habits. This was the first single Ed released back in June and I was downright scared. Our first taste of Ed tuneage in several years and he drops this jumpy beat with a creepy vampire music video. Read my kneejerk reaction here. And obviously, remember that I’ve toned it down since then. What a sneaky little B Ed is releasing the only two club jamz from this album to trick people into thinking that was his new sound. Then he drops the whole thing and it’s like GOTCHA! This song is another fun jam to groove to despite the fact that the lyrics are touching upon Ed’s years of going HOARD in the party scene which eventually led to him going stone cold sober. I get it, once you get your moneymaker sliced and diced by a royal sword, it’s time to reconsider if you need to take a beat from drinking…but that doesn’t mean cancel ALL partying! Moderation is key for all bad habits.
  5. Overpass Graffiti*. ALRIGHT now we’re cooking with gas, baby. We’ve got a breakup song. It’s not a sassy tell-off, it’s wistful and sweet full of nostalgia but rather than being a total downer, it’s 80’s MAGIC. I love that he sped up this song and made it snappy. And those background scream-y vocals?! Oh, hell yea. Can’t wait to practice those at full volume in the shower. Plus to finish things out, he does my fave thing singers do where they take away the instrumentals and just sing with an echo effect at the end before the music kicks back in. I tell you, that and a good clap break in a song will get me EVERY damn time.
  6. The Joker And The Queen. I really don’t like this song. I’ve spent all weekend listening to the album in full with no skips and every time this one came on my finger was ITCHING to next it right out of my ears. They can’t all be winners and a dramatically slow piano ballad with an old timey sound and unrelatable lyrics just didn’t hit with me. Total personal preference. Obviously it’s well done–Ed has the voice of an angel, it’s simple with just the piano and the strings and there’s a nice musical interlude that might be fit for a 1940’s black and white picture but sorry I’m uncultured swine and I just can’t get down with it.
  7. Leave Your Life. I love the beat of this but natch the lyrics don’t resonate so much with me because I don’t have a popstar dad who goes on international tours. Ed wrote this song as a letter to his daughter in case anything ever happens to him. I used to go on and on about how I was my dad’s little mistake and that he was probably out playing a gig with his band Zipper at the Rusty Nail when I was born and couldn’t be bothered to come to the hospital. So I guess it’s kinda the same thing. Except my dad never wrote a song for me, he just wrote a bunch of songs about presidents, books and God. Your move, DEN. Also out of all of these songs, this is the only one that’s consistently been stuck in my head all weekend so it’s definitely got sticking power.
  8. Collide. How appropriate that after his love letter to his daughter, he writes a love letter to his wifey. This is basically a laundry list of all their memories as a couple. It’s like when you sign someone’s yearbook and write a bunch of inside jokes. And honestly that’s kind of the theme for this album. I understand Ed is an artist and he wants to release songs that he’s proud of and all, but there’s at least three songs on this album that I can think of that could’ve just been recorded for his family and shared privately. It’s romantic as hell to release public love songs that are very obviously for one specific person, but that person is not me and therefore I’m bitter as hell about having to listen to it. Whoops, guess I haven’t matured. The effort was there, I promise. But also, no one cares that you two have been to an Irish bar in Rome.
  9. 2step. Fun fact, I got firsthand two-step lessons from a Texas girl in a Boston bar while I was schnackered. I’m sure it was a real sight for sore eyes to see a bar with 5 people in it and 2 of them are two-steppin to whatever bro country song was playing. Haven’t 2stepped since then. In fact, gun to my head I wouldn’t be able to remember how to do it. The Jersey turnpike is the only dance move that’s stuck with me. #sorrynotsorry This song is a nice lil groove about how dancing makes all your troubles go away, which I wholeheartedly support. It’s also OG Ed with the double time singing/almost rapping and oh boy is it good to have him back.
  10. Stop The Rain*. What a cuppa positivi-TEA. See what I did there? Punny AND British. Also, just facts. This is a great anthem and I love it a lot. Plus it has CLAPS! The rain gonn’ come baybay, but just pop open that umbrella and keep on chuggin YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAAHHHHHHHH.
  11. Love In Slow Motion. Alright, back to his lady. This is obviously a nice slow jam for all the married couples who have kids or busy lives and don’t take the time to do date night or focus on each other. Take your time away from those runny-nosed puke monsters and talk to your sig oth and remember why you fell in love with each other and decided to create those runny-nosed puke monsters to begin with. Or whatever. I dunno. I’m running out of steam here, folks. I had the open mind to start and then slowly but surely it started to close as each sappy love song started playing. We’re reaching the end of our rope here.
  12. Visiting Hours*. Oh, great! I just admit I’m reaching the end of my rope and then we throw in a death song! READ THE ROOM, ED. Anyway, get ready to sob your damn face off to this song. It’s about wishing you could visit those you’ve lost and update them on your life and let me tell you, it’s beautiful and depressing all at once. Written for his friend who passed suddenly and sung at his memorial service, there will never be a dry eye in the house when this song is playing, I can assure you that. And not for nothing, but the composition of the song, using backup vocals in certain parts, the horns section and you guessed it, my favorite break for vocals only with no instrumentals at the end, CHEF’S KISS.
  13. Sandman. Remember when I was like hey maybe some of these songs didn’t need to be on a public-facing album that people spend money on? DING DING DING DING. I’ll take “A lullaby for your infant daughter” for 500 please, Alex. AUTOMATIC SKIP without even a second thought. I don’t have children so maybe those Ed fans who are parents will appreciate him including this but I sure do not. I didn’t think I was listening to Raffi’s greatest hits and therefore when this hit my eardrums I had to do a double take and be like did Spotify pull a fast one on me? Appreciate the calming island vibes but I’m lulled to sleep the normal adult way, to the sounds of a sitcom I’ve seen 9 zillion times. Shout out to the zesty way he sings “shake of a lamb’s tail” though. I’ll give him that.
  14. Be Right Now. Alright, we’ve made it to the end and the message as it has been on every other song so far, is LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. This closer is about living in the moment and it’s a got quite a club beat but is also oddly soothing. A conundrum of a song to ease us on down the road. It’s a breezy palate cleanser to leave you twirling away from this chapter of Ed’s life. Also, I originally bitched about how long he’s gone without putting out music and then as I was diving into each track, I learned that he started working on this album in 2017 so my apologies for being a greedy dirtbag, apparently works of art can take time. Another note I’d like to make, the last track and the first track flow SEAMLESSLY together. A couple times I wasn’t paying attention and this song ended and Tides began and it felt like just a continuation of this tune. So well done for all your repeat listeners, Ed (whether you intended it or not) we’ve got two great bookends to this story!

Overall Notes: I mean not to beat a dead horse here but obviously this album is REAL specific to the place Ed is in currently and therefore lacked a lot of relatability for me. And again, not just because I’m a single bitter loser, but also because each song had SUCH detailed accounts of memories or things that have happened in his life. Certainly much more of a diary entry album than songwriting and music that we can all apply to our lives, which is how people typically connect with songs. It’s not a bad album by any means and it has a great and uplifting theme overall, but it’ll be lower on the list in my personal rankings, which are as follows: 1. Divide 2. Multiply 3. Plus 4. Equals. And remember that these criticisms come from someone who has never written a song, lacks all musical talents and just has a lot of strong opinions SOLELY based on her own worldview. So, if you loved this album and it made you feel like you were floating on air, more power to ya-take my sass with a grain of salt and a shake of a lamb’s tail.

Standard
Playlist

Holly Jolly Bops

I was going through the ole archives to dig up all of my Christmas-related content for some seasonal re-posting. Not only did I find that I’ve watched and written about FAR too many Hallmark movies, but I’ve only made one Christmas music playlist and you know what? That’s just not enough. We have a very short window to enjoy this joyful tuneage and really make the most of it so I thought it was about time I gave you another collection of festive songs. I’m all about the holiday cheer this year. I think just like everyone else, spreading Christmas Joy is vital for survival right now. Like if I hadn’t gone out and gotten a Christmas tree and decked my MF’ing halls I would’ve literally dropped dead of soul-crushing winter is coming and life is still terrible depression. But NOT TODAY FOLKS! Today we listen to these jingles and Christmas dance our faces off.

1. Underneath The Tree – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson had a Christmas album that was SNEAKY full of bangers. Unfortunately it was very obvious that she was inspired by her husband–see the song literally called “Winter Dreams (Brandon’s Song)” so now it feels sad to listen to because RIP to her marriage. I guess Christmas is back to being cold and grey for K.Clark. Hopefully she gets some new man candy underneath her tree this year. IF that’s what she wants, of course.

2. Like It’s Christmas – Jonas Brothers. You’ll notice that the theme of this playlist is modern Christmas – original tune style. After listening to N*SYNC’s Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Mariah Carey’s Christmas anthem on repeat for 20 years, I decided it might be time for a switch up and started to branch out in the Christmas music game. For those of you who are more into the classics, don’t get your undies in a wad, I sprinkle some of those in too. The key thing I wanted for this playlist was to have BOPS only. Cause we all need a Christmas dance party this year. Anyway, the JoBros’ put out a real snoozer of a Christmas song this year so I rewound to their comeback cause they knocked it out of the park with this snappy beat.

3. Baby! It’s Christmas – Jessie James Decker. Fun story time! When I lived in Boston for a hot second, Jessie had just released this album and was performing at the tree lighting and doing a meet & greet in the Macy’s beforehand. As someone who has drooled over JJD since she made her reality TV debut with her hunk of a husband, I knew that I needed to be present for this Christmas kickoff to make living in that dumb city worthwhile. Another fun fact about Boston, I had 0.0 friends there. So that’s how I found myself taking the T for an hour from Brighton into Downtown Crossing, where I was immediately hit with CROWDS of people standing outside of Macy’s. And then when I snaked my way into the store, I saw that there was a line waiting to meet Jessie that went through the bottom floor and up the escalator to other levels. So instead I went back outside and took this picture when they lit the tree and listened to her sing this song live (never once laying eyes on her) and jammed out by myself like the big celebrity-obsessed wiener that I am.

4. Glow – Brett Eldredge. Brett released his own Christmas album a couple of years ago and I gotta say he really gave Bubbles a run for his money with the ‘I’m wearing a velvet smoking jacket and singing brat pack style in front of a crackling fire’ sort of thing. This is probably the slowest song on the playlist but I still think it has a jazzy fun quality to it.

5. Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town – Bruce Springsteen. Besides the fact that it’s the Boss and this is a Christmas staple, let’s focus on Bruce’s yip yapping in this one. Nothing says Christmas more than Bruce shouting over a cacophony of bells HEY DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? OH, IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME. Ya damn right it is, Bruiser. I need to know if Clarence has been practicing real hard so Santa will bring him a new saxophone. And I need to hear Bruce scold a bunch of strangers for not being good that year. Then Christmas can begin.

6. Take Me Home For Christmas – Dan + Shay. This was a new release this year and I was grooving and getting into the spirit weeks ago. It ALMOST made me break my don’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving self-imposed rule. But I held out. And it was WORTH it.

7. Christmas Tree Farm – Taylor Swift. I have to keep it real and let everyone know that Taylor’s previous attempts at Christmas music were ROUGH. In fact I distinctly remember my dad angrily telling me to “turn this shit off” one time when her Silent Night cover came on. He was pretty fired up that she changed the entire song. And that’s anger directed at Tay for good reason. It was a no bueno cover. She finally got it right last year though. All it took was for her to go back to her PA roots and show us some adorable home videos. This song makes me want to twirl endlessly amongst a bunch of Douglas Firs.

8. The More You Give (The More You’ll Have) – Michael Bublé. Bubbles is Christmas and Christmas is Bubbles. I could’ve picked 15 TRILLION of his songs to bring da holiday noise and da funk, but I went with this one because I had never heard it until today and I got excited about discovering a new jam. When that horn section kicked up it was GAME ON! He even tossed a “Woo!” into the mix. Give it to me, Bubz.

9. Carol of the Bells – Pentatonix. I follow Scott Hoying of Pentatonix on TikTok and when November hit he was like IT’S PENTATONIX SEASON and suddenly their official account was popping oooooffff. I love that their angel acappella voices have become synonymous with the holidays. This is easily my favorite song that they do even though they’ve probably covered them all at this point and have originals as well. I literally don’t have anything else to say about it because I’m currently listening and mesmerized by all of their voices doing all of the things.

10. Bring Me Love – John Legend. This seemed surprising for crooner John Legend to have a snappy Christmas jam but I certainly don’t hate it. Also I don’t know what it says about us as a society (consumed by Hallmark movies) but it is VERY common for people to ask Santa for love apparently. Seems like it’s kind of above St. Nick’s pay grade to get you a life partner but hey sign me up. I’ve also been good this year.

11. I’ll Be Your Santa Tonight – Keith Urban. I will be the first to admit this is a REAL creepy title and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to give it a chance but my trusted advisor tipped me off to this one. It’s not as fast as the others but it builds momentum and it’s highly entertaining. Why, you ask? Oh, because Keith made sure to put the most sexual innuendos in here and now we all know that him and Nic role play as Santa and Mrs. Clause. You’re welcome, world.

12. Run Run Rudolph – Train. I wanted one solid rock out with your candy cane out song on here and that electric guitar riff introducing a song about reindeer really did it for me. Makes me wanna put on my shades and slide around in my neon patterned shorts like nobody’s biz. (Yes, I am watching the Saved by the Bell reboot, no it’s not worth downloading Peacock for.)

13. Christmas, C’Mon – Lindsey Stirling & Becky G. I used to be SUUUUUPER into Yellowcard just because they had a violin and I thought that was cool as hell. Their violinist also happened to do backflips during their concerts so that really upped his street cred. Either way, I’ve got a thing for violins in unexpected places and I couldn’t tell you who Becky G is but Lindsey Stirling makes every song she’s on better. Feel free to drop a little dramatic air violin in on this one. Just me? K, whatevs.

14. Christmas in the Country – Thomas Rhett. I love TR and tuned into the country Christmas special this year just to pretend him and Lauren are close personal friends of mine. Unfortunately it was a LITTLE too scripted for my taste, but I sure do dig a country twang spin on holiday szn.

15. Under The Mistletoe – Kelly Clarkson & Brett Eldredge. DOUBLE DIPPIN, Y’ALL. Kelly and Brett have so many great songs but then ALSO dropped this duet this year and yes please! It’s the collab I never knew I needed. Also, it’s about making out *and stuff* WINK, WINK. I mean for real, this is an actual lyric: “I wanna spend my nights so hard / How much I want you” SANTA, BRING THESE TWO TO BONE TOWN ALREADY, GAWD.

16. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Lady A. Another classic tune about begging not to be alone on Christmas. I’m partial to The Eagles version but that was toeing the line of too depressing so after conferring with my Christmas music advisor, we selected this surprisingly upbeat version (even though I’ve shit on Lady A a lot this year for being tone deaf b-holes.) At least they crushed this.

17. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – Hanson. I tried my best not to have any repeats from the original Christmas playlist I made because I wanted to keep it fresh with some newbies but honestly no one rocks around the Christmas tree as hard as Hanson. I put two of their songs on my OG playlist because that’s just how much I was a Hanson stan but truly this is my favorite version. Miss those shaggy haired mormons.

18. Baby It’s Cold Outside – Idina Menzel & Michael Bublé. I included this classic on my last playlist–Nick & Jessica style, but I’ve finally stopped wishing for them to get back together. Time to move on (her book told me to.) I like to include this song on all Christmas cheer jamfests because it’s gotten QUITE a bad rep in the past few years. Does this song sound like a rape sitch to you? The answer is an obvious no. Idina couldn’t be flirtier. Girl wants to stay. So let’s cut the shit with ruining this song–ok, everyone?! They’re both consenting adults who are just talk-singing about having an adult sleepover. LET IT HAPPEN. Also if I was on this duet with the Bubster, I would need no convincing. Just putting that out into the universe. Manifesting for 2021, if you will.

19. Winter Wonderland/Here Comes Santa Clause – Snoop Dogg & Anna Kendrick. Gotta be honest this one I kinda pulled out of my ass. I was like what’s a fun song I could toss in? And then remembered Becca (Anna Kendrick) trying to be a legit music producer in Pitch Perfect 2 and her boss being like you just make mashups and you’re never going anywhere. ZING. But she did create this magical Snoop Dogg Christmas song. And for that we are all #blessed. Take it away Snoop D-O-DOUBLE G. Give us that Christmas flow, yo.

20. Lit This Year – Florida Georgia Line. Ending on a high with FGL’s latest drinking song, HOLIDAY STYLE. They performed this on TR’s Christmas special and I started giggling like OF COURSE these two bozos made an original song about getting sauced at Christmas, and then to my own horror, I started two steppin as I was hanging ornaments on the tree. So give it a chance, IT’S CATCHY! Also, I may have taken it a scooch too literally as I got lit and proceeded to conduct a Christmas Card photoshoot solo dolo. Stay tuned near your mailbox to find out if you were a chosen one on the receiving end of my special card.

AND in case you missed it or it was blocked because Facebook and Instagram are a bunch of tightwads when it comes to using other people’s music, here’s my pride and joy this year…my first real tree! I have finally exited the Grinch regime that was my former apartment complex where for 3 years I was forced to have a tiny sad fake tree and lemme tell you, I upgraded Christmas this year HOARD. Merry Christmas from my home to yours (literally)!

Standard