Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Let’s Do the Damn Rebound!

chicken

If ABC teaches us anything it’s that if you allow them to tape your breakup, they will throw you a bone and let you cruise around LA in a red Ferrari convertible for shits and giggles.

Becca sits down with Rachel, JoJo and my gurl Kaitlyn. They’re like F**K Arie, you do you girl. True to form, Kaitlyn either got completely edited or she wasn’t allowed to say a thing. They “sage” the house aka just set off the smoke alarms. Then hammer it home how stupid guys are and how smart and intuitive women are because they pick the right guy for them 99.9% of the time on this show. As if that wasn’t already obvious. Now onto the boys…

Clay, 30 – Pro football player for 9 years and since I recently called him out for not really being one it certainly sounds like he’s retired now. He’s played on literally every team but his main focus is his family. When he meets Becca he plays up the football puns with saying he’ll be the biggest catch of her life and that he’ll catch her inside. My eyes rolled all over town with that. Then he brings it home by bringing literal clay for him and Becca to make sculptures with. I cannot physically listen to this man speak as it takes him 10 years to spit out a sentence.

Garrett does his Chris Farley impression right off the bat and I want to chop my head off. He’s an outdoorsy guy. Drives up to the mansion in a minivan and says one day he hopes to be a great dad. The minivan is stocked with diapers and soccer balls. Coming on REAL strong. Teaches Becca how to fish in the pool. Gives her a fly for fly-fishing and Becca thinks he’ll fit in really well with her family. Basically despite his general obnoxious demeanor, he played his cards right by standing out night one and therefore won the first impression rose AND the first smooooooch.

Jordan, 26 – As it could have been predicted from his headshot and quick bio, Jordan is a grade A male model asshole. He says things like, “The power is in the brows” or “Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good looking. There is so much involved, it’s taxing.” He can see himself eating chocolate and watching chick flicks with Becca but HOW CAN HE DO THAT AND KEEP HIS FIGURE? Jordan then spends the entire first night talking about how much effort he put into his outfit to stand out and roasting everyone else’s’ outfits. He has a serious vendetta against a man wearing loafers without socks and also I’m confident he didn’t speak a word to Becca. Jordan is our character this season that producers will keep around just to piss us off but he’s certainly not a contender.

Lincoln, from Nigeria, likes to work out, gives Becca a Nigerian bracelet so that she’s part of the family. I can’t decide if I hate or love Lincoln’s accent and I’ll report back on that ASAP.

Joe, 31 – owns a grocery store and compares love to produce. He keeps winking and it’s unnerving. Upon exiting the limo, he shits his pants and forgot what he was gonna say to her. I guess talking about how he used to sell watermelons wholesale didn’t soak Becca’s panties and therefore winky Joe was cut loose at the rose ceremony.

Jean Blanc, 31 – Born in Haiti, and has over 100 bottles of cologne, “I’m gonna blow her nose away.” Gross, JB. Don’t ever say that again. In his intro, JB teaches Becca how to say, “let’s do the damn thing” in French. Gives Becca a candle with a poem on top that ends in “Let’s do the damn thing.” ENOUGH of that.

Colton, 26 – America’s sweetheart right here, Colton is a hotter version of Clay and heads a national cystic fibrosis charity. Unfortunately he’s only had one serious relationship and he’s quite young still so this could really hinder his chances to be the winner. But he’s the first out of the limo and gives Becca a confetti cannon to start things off with a bang.

Connor, 25 – Gets on his knee to say he’s opened his heart and is ready to do the damn thing. Steals her first and pops champagne with a knife. Connor is showy and also an infant. I don’t think this will take him far. Also she’s already made a comment about how Arie robbed her of her first proposal and you got down on one knee as your intro? Cool it.

John, 28 – talked about his grandparents with Becca and tells her right off the bat that he created Venmo. So at least she knows he’s rich.

Leo has his long ass hair up in a bun so that he can let it down for a dumb bit. She says he has hair like her sister so I’m guessing she’s NOT into it.

Nick wears a racecar driver suit and said what kind of dick wears this and strips it off. SUPER dumb and judging his bio I want this guy outta here ASAP.

Mike brings a cutout of Arie to say hopefully he gets a chance to see you as happy as you are tonight. Why. There is absolutely no need to bring up that wiener one single time in front of Becca. She got dumped on TV, you should be making her try to forget him not bring A LIFESIZE CUTOUT OF HIM TO LURK IN THE CORNER.

Blake met her already (after the rose) and put her on a horse. This time he rode a bull in? Blake just got out of a serious relationship and felt like he knows what he wants now. Becca feels like they’re on the same wavelength and they’re really vibing because they both just have so much love to give.

Chase- “It’s all about the chase” BYEEE. Immediately has to defend himself and say that he’s here for the right reasons because another one of the Florida wieners knows his ex girlfriend who has been bad mouthing him. Chases’ defense is that he’s been watching the show with his mom forever and that’s just how women are. He THEN brings Chris over to talk about his ex girlfriend with Becca and try to prove that he’s a good guy. It’s super awkward and now I hate both Chris and Chase.

Ryan wears a hideous floral jacket

Christon literally dunks over Becca’s head and even the guys watching were turned on.

Wills – admits he’s a closet nerd, has a HP tattoo

Jason – teaches Becca a queer handshake and I still hate him.

Kamil makes Becca walk to him in the driveway to say that relationships are 50/50 but really it turns into 60/40 and he’s kind of just a dick. He’s not a little embarrassed; he’s REALLY embarrassed about getting dumped on a first date.

Jake – As soon as this turd steps out of the limo Becca is like ummm we’ve met before and she doesn’t seem thrilled to be seeing him again so my immediate thought is that they’ve drunk banged before. Turns out they’ve been hanging out in the same group for years and he’s never shown interest before so Becca confronts him to ask if he’s actually on the show to date her. She sends him packing immediately. He takes it really well. JK he says he had a transformative year and he’s one of the most romantic f’ing people you’ll ever meet. If you’ve been friends with a girl for 2 years and go on a show to date her you better have a better excuse than a TRANSFORMATIVE year!

Trent shows up in a hearse and hops out and screams that he literally died but Becca brought him back to life. Get LAWST, Trent.

David wears a chicken costume and crows her name out. Uses STUPID chicken phrases to introduce himself. Becca thinks he’s fun. “I’m a lucky bird and Becca’s a cool chick” UGH. BECCA. DO BETTER THAN THIS.

Chris introduces a choir to win over Uncle Gary. After that he immediately initiates himself as this seasons’ snitch when he starts a powwow with two strangers about how Chase isn’t here for the right reasons and he wants to hold a coup to get him off the show. I hope Chris is gone soon but I know all too well that whistleblowers like him stick around to call everyone else out before they’re finally tossed. You’re not looking out for Becca; you’re just a pain in the ass.

Roses: Garrett, Lincoln, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, Chris

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