Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – I Wore My Underwear, Bro

becca

I’m Ready for My Big Day with Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor & Lincoln

The guys try on tuxes and Jordan needs to show off how he walks like a model. They go outside to do the exact same date that Rachel had all of her guys do last season (an obstacle course) and whatdya know, Rachel and Bryan are there to help. I’m honestly kind of sick of Rachel coming off as such a badass kewl gurl in her guest appearances because she couldn’t have been more of a plain bagel when she was the bachelorette. Guess it goes to show that once you’re contracted to be the lady everyone is trying to date, you can’t say shit like “What that mouth do.”

rachel

Lincoln won but he apparently cheated in the ice tub so obviously all the other men are enraged about it. Later, Lincoln attacks Becca’s face like it’s a Christmas ham and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. It doesn’t look like she’s enjoying this even a little. Lincoln puts his framed photo with Becca in the middle of the coffee table and everyone cries about it. The picture gets tossed and broken into shards by a jelly belly who didn’t appreciate Lincoln whispering sweet nothings to it. Becca then has to mediate this little bitch fit. Becca makes it clear that she’s looking for a man and not a whiny baby who tattles on other people or smashes picture frames. Not LOVING Connor or Lincoln if we’re being honest. Same with Becca cause Jean Blanc gets the rose.

The next morning Lincoln cried ACTUAL tears because watching the picture being broken “broke his heart.” Jordan takes a group of bros outside to laugh at Lincoln’s croc tears, which is ironic coming from the buffoon who made us all watch his blue steel. Then he pronounces ingenuity “ingenuinity.” Send Jordan to the Center For Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. STAT.

zoolander

Let’s Lose Control with Blake

blake

Chris Harrison brings them to an abandoned warehouse where they are to change into jumpsuits and break shit that reminds her of Arie while Lil Jon (?) shouts nonsense into a microphone and plays a song from 10 years ago…when Lil Jon was relevant. Becca looks so joyful while smashing Arie-related shit that if I were Blake this would be a red flag but he’s like I love that she’s so happy right now. YIKES. Side and completely unrelated note HOW THA HELL DID SHE MAKE THIS OUTFIT CUTE?!

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At dinz, Blake tells Becca that he fell hard and fast in a past relationship. His girlfriend told him she loved him 2 months in and then 2 days later she dumped him. Hmm, I can understand feeling the need to say it back if he said it first but like who initiates that when YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM?! I am fired up. There’s more to this story and I need to hear it. Something’s fishy. Anyway, Blake gets rosed and feels like tonight is the beginning of their love story. Learn your lesson, Blake. Slow it down.

Loves Comes At You Hard and Fast with Garrett, Rickey, John, Bryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills & Colton

dodgeball

Three little sasshole children actors are hired to reenact Dodgeball (the movie) with this group of wieners except it’s 10x less funny. I’d rather watch these guys dodge wrenches any day of the week. They take it even further by bringing Fred Willard BACK FROM THE DEAD (literally has someone checked his pulse lately) to do commentary for the game with Chris Harrison. It’s the opposite of funny. Leo leaves his hair down during the game, which is my BIGGEST pet peeve and the only thing I can focus on. Who won? No clue, but Leo had sweaty hair matted to his face and in his eyes the whole time, which could have been prevented with a simple hair tie. (Ya hear me, 90% of girls at the gym?! PHYSICAL ACTIVITY ISN’T A FASHION SHOW!)

cotton

Wills HAS to be high during his time with Becca, as he cries about his parent’s 50th anniversary and then goes in real hard for the kiss. Then Colton feels like he needs to get it off his chest right away that he dated Tia from last season. And by that he means they spent a weekend together (that’s a relationship in Bachelor world.) He didn’t feel the spark with Tia and hopes that Becca lets him stay because he sees a future with them. Becca’s pezzed. Wills gets the rose. Curveball. Then Becca cries even though I feel like her and Tia aren’t that tight and if they were SHE WOULD’VE ALREADY KNOWN ABOUT COLTON.

Cocktail Hour

Clay does an intricate football celebration dance just to be able to smooch Becca. Connor makes amends by framing a picture of his face and allowing her to toss it into the pool because that’s not really who he is. If Becca falls for this I’ll be pissed. (Spoiler alert: I’m pissed.) Jordan stripped down to his briefs *but kept his shoes on*. Practical. It’s cool though because he just doesn’t want Becca to get the wrong image of him and think he’s 007 all the time. He’s not. He’s also naked sometimes in dress shoes. After some babble about wanting a “mini Jordan” on his shoulder, he steers his nut huggers right into the hot seat with the chicken guy. It’s a literal cockfight. Get it? Cause Jordan’s penis is actually poking out of those undies and David dressed up as a chicken on night one. BOOM. Neither one of them knows how to pronounce ingenuity. Colton takes the time to show us he has a lisp and also prove that he’s an honest guy. Becca feels like she should let him go, which really means her vagina wants him to stay and that’s what will happen.

Rose Ceremony

Jean Blanc, Blake, Wills, Chris R., Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Bryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln & Colton

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Let’s Do the Damn Rebound!

chicken

If ABC teaches us anything it’s that if you allow them to tape your breakup, they will throw you a bone and let you cruise around LA in a red Ferrari convertible for shits and giggles.

Becca sits down with Rachel, JoJo and my gurl Kaitlyn. They’re like F**K Arie, you do you girl. True to form, Kaitlyn either got completely edited or she wasn’t allowed to say a thing. They “sage” the house aka just set off the smoke alarms. Then hammer it home how stupid guys are and how smart and intuitive women are because they pick the right guy for them 99.9% of the time on this show. As if that wasn’t already obvious. Now onto the boys…

Clay, 30 – Pro football player for 9 years and since I recently called him out for not really being one it certainly sounds like he’s retired now. He’s played on literally every team but his main focus is his family. When he meets Becca he plays up the football puns with saying he’ll be the biggest catch of her life and that he’ll catch her inside. My eyes rolled all over town with that. Then he brings it home by bringing literal clay for him and Becca to make sculptures with. I cannot physically listen to this man speak as it takes him 10 years to spit out a sentence.

Garrett does his Chris Farley impression right off the bat and I want to chop my head off. He’s an outdoorsy guy. Drives up to the mansion in a minivan and says one day he hopes to be a great dad. The minivan is stocked with diapers and soccer balls. Coming on REAL strong. Teaches Becca how to fish in the pool. Gives her a fly for fly-fishing and Becca thinks he’ll fit in really well with her family. Basically despite his general obnoxious demeanor, he played his cards right by standing out night one and therefore won the first impression rose AND the first smooooooch.

Jordan, 26 – As it could have been predicted from his headshot and quick bio, Jordan is a grade A male model asshole. He says things like, “The power is in the brows” or “Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good looking. There is so much involved, it’s taxing.” He can see himself eating chocolate and watching chick flicks with Becca but HOW CAN HE DO THAT AND KEEP HIS FIGURE? Jordan then spends the entire first night talking about how much effort he put into his outfit to stand out and roasting everyone else’s’ outfits. He has a serious vendetta against a man wearing loafers without socks and also I’m confident he didn’t speak a word to Becca. Jordan is our character this season that producers will keep around just to piss us off but he’s certainly not a contender.

Lincoln, from Nigeria, likes to work out, gives Becca a Nigerian bracelet so that she’s part of the family. I can’t decide if I hate or love Lincoln’s accent and I’ll report back on that ASAP.

Joe, 31 – owns a grocery store and compares love to produce. He keeps winking and it’s unnerving. Upon exiting the limo, he shits his pants and forgot what he was gonna say to her. I guess talking about how he used to sell watermelons wholesale didn’t soak Becca’s panties and therefore winky Joe was cut loose at the rose ceremony.

Jean Blanc, 31 – Born in Haiti, and has over 100 bottles of cologne, “I’m gonna blow her nose away.” Gross, JB. Don’t ever say that again. In his intro, JB teaches Becca how to say, “let’s do the damn thing” in French. Gives Becca a candle with a poem on top that ends in “Let’s do the damn thing.” ENOUGH of that.

Colton, 26 – America’s sweetheart right here, Colton is a hotter version of Clay and heads a national cystic fibrosis charity. Unfortunately he’s only had one serious relationship and he’s quite young still so this could really hinder his chances to be the winner. But he’s the first out of the limo and gives Becca a confetti cannon to start things off with a bang.

Connor, 25 – Gets on his knee to say he’s opened his heart and is ready to do the damn thing. Steals her first and pops champagne with a knife. Connor is showy and also an infant. I don’t think this will take him far. Also she’s already made a comment about how Arie robbed her of her first proposal and you got down on one knee as your intro? Cool it.

John, 28 – talked about his grandparents with Becca and tells her right off the bat that he created Venmo. So at least she knows he’s rich.

Leo has his long ass hair up in a bun so that he can let it down for a dumb bit. She says he has hair like her sister so I’m guessing she’s NOT into it.

Nick wears a racecar driver suit and said what kind of dick wears this and strips it off. SUPER dumb and judging his bio I want this guy outta here ASAP.

Mike brings a cutout of Arie to say hopefully he gets a chance to see you as happy as you are tonight. Why. There is absolutely no need to bring up that wiener one single time in front of Becca. She got dumped on TV, you should be making her try to forget him not bring A LIFESIZE CUTOUT OF HIM TO LURK IN THE CORNER.

Blake met her already (after the rose) and put her on a horse. This time he rode a bull in? Blake just got out of a serious relationship and felt like he knows what he wants now. Becca feels like they’re on the same wavelength and they’re really vibing because they both just have so much love to give.

Chase- “It’s all about the chase” BYEEE. Immediately has to defend himself and say that he’s here for the right reasons because another one of the Florida wieners knows his ex girlfriend who has been bad mouthing him. Chases’ defense is that he’s been watching the show with his mom forever and that’s just how women are. He THEN brings Chris over to talk about his ex girlfriend with Becca and try to prove that he’s a good guy. It’s super awkward and now I hate both Chris and Chase.

Ryan wears a hideous floral jacket

Christon literally dunks over Becca’s head and even the guys watching were turned on.

Wills – admits he’s a closet nerd, has a HP tattoo

Jason – teaches Becca a queer handshake and I still hate him.

Kamil makes Becca walk to him in the driveway to say that relationships are 50/50 but really it turns into 60/40 and he’s kind of just a dick. He’s not a little embarrassed; he’s REALLY embarrassed about getting dumped on a first date.

Jake – As soon as this turd steps out of the limo Becca is like ummm we’ve met before and she doesn’t seem thrilled to be seeing him again so my immediate thought is that they’ve drunk banged before. Turns out they’ve been hanging out in the same group for years and he’s never shown interest before so Becca confronts him to ask if he’s actually on the show to date her. She sends him packing immediately. He takes it really well. JK he says he had a transformative year and he’s one of the most romantic f’ing people you’ll ever meet. If you’ve been friends with a girl for 2 years and go on a show to date her you better have a better excuse than a TRANSFORMATIVE year!

Trent shows up in a hearse and hops out and screams that he literally died but Becca brought him back to life. Get LAWST, Trent.

David wears a chicken costume and crows her name out. Uses STUPID chicken phrases to introduce himself. Becca thinks he’s fun. “I’m a lucky bird and Becca’s a cool chick” UGH. BECCA. DO BETTER THAN THIS.

Chris introduces a choir to win over Uncle Gary. After that he immediately initiates himself as this seasons’ snitch when he starts a powwow with two strangers about how Chase isn’t here for the right reasons and he wants to hold a coup to get him off the show. I hope Chris is gone soon but I know all too well that whistleblowers like him stick around to call everyone else out before they’re finally tossed. You’re not looking out for Becca; you’re just a pain in the ass.

Roses: Garrett, Lincoln, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, Chris

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S14 – Ranking the Contestants

Becca

Listen, not only is this show slowly but surely going down the shitter but they’ve also apparently done away with the quirky questionnaire under each person’s photo. So you’ll have to excuse me if this blog seems meaner than previous ones because I have LITERALLY nothing to go off of but these stupid headshots and a very general cheesy game show contestant blurb about each person. How am I supposed to judge you and make fun of the very essence of your being if they’ve crafted a PR sentence about you instead of asking what your greatest fear is? Seriously ABC, make this MORE difficult for me to blog. They also did Becca WAY dirty in this picture. What’s with the lace blazer? Come on. If you’re gonna pound “Do the Damn Thing” into the ground as this season’s catch phrase than at least allow your lead to look like the babe that she is in her cast photos instead of a mom attending a board meeting.

If I may make a blanket statement, which I usually do without your permission, they led all casting calls at “professional” athlete/aspiring model camp in Florida. Let’s get the Floridians out of the way, shall we?

Trent, 28

Trent

This guy here moved TO Florida to pursue an acting career. Is this a thing that I’m unaware of? Is Florida the up and coming hotspot for models? Cause my first thought is the plot of Magic Mike and that’s not really the catalog work that Trent here is bragging about.

Jordan, 26

Jordan

Nope it’s really a thing. Jordan is ALSO a model in Florida and he likes to run when he’s not “posing for magazine shoots.” All of the eye rolls in the world.

Nick, 27

Nick

This weirdo refers to himself as a “weekend warrior” who can usually be seen in his “signature tracksuits” I hope for all of our eyes’ sake we never have to see this signature outfit.

Jean Blanc, 31

Jean Blanc

Bio schmooze-writer felt the need to list this entire guy’s resume of the places he’s lived and the schools he’s attended. None of this erases the fact that he lives in Florida and is a “Colognoisseur” AKA he collects colognes. LOSER.

Chris, 30

Chris

Chris wants to retire in his 40’s like the rest of his family. Make it far enough in this show and you’ll retire with InstaG money, sir.

Chase, 27

Chase

First of all Chase, work on your smile because this sinister look will give me nightmares forever. Second of all, Chase’s highlight reel consisted of all the sports he played in college. Congrats on being athletic when you were 18. No1currrrrs.

Connor, 25

Connor

And this here is your diamond in the rough from the Florida bunch. He’s cute, loves his fitness and apparently was a former pro baseball player. Could be nice eye candy but he’s a baby and there’s no way he’s ready for marriage. He’s this season’s Dean.

Christon, 31

Christon

And now we move into the athlete/former athlete portion of our program. Christon is a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter. So like he made a career of doing tricks on the basketball court. Now he’s a pro dunker. Do with that what you will.

Clay, 30

Clay

Clay is a pro football player but they’re not name dropping a team, which makes this 100% bullshit. Either he’s benched, injured, retired or whatever because there is no chance they’re tossing an active football player on a reality dating show. Also he has the widest head I’ve quite possibly ever seen. Unrelated, but needed to be noted.

Mike, 27

Mike

Mike is a sports analyst who, “loves festivals, horse racing and state fairs.” So Mike is a degenerate.

Garrett, 29

Garrett

This guy is weirdly obsessed with Chris Farley and can’t wait to show off his impression which most likely is cringeworthy. Fingers crossed it’s his limo entrance and Becca will want to burrow away from him immediately.

Blake, 28

Blake

Blake believes two people need to be completely independent in order to truly be in love. Hm.

Leo, 31

Leo

Leo is a stuntman and he’s been growing his hair for the past 10 years. Leo makes my skin crawl.

Ryan, 26

Ryan

Ryan plays the banjo and is super into his family banjo band and I literally said UGHHHH out loud as I read that. We don’t need someone jamming the banjo down our throats all season.

Lincoln, 26

Lincoln

This kid is Nigerian and was named after Abraham Lincoln. BRUH, YOU’RE NOT EVEN FROM THIS COUNTRY WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAMED AFTER A US PRESIDENT?!

Jason, 29

Jason

“A successful banker with a heart of gold” God I hate this show. Seriously think of a more stupid sentence to describe someone. News flash Jason, we can tell you’re a banker by your dumb slicked Wall Street wannabe hairstyle. You look like Gordon Bombay trying to dress like the bhole Iceland coach. AND THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. (Spoiler Alert: since CNY salivates at the notion of anyone with a tv crew in town, Syracuse.com already wrote an article a full 2 months ago about how this boner gets a hometown date. Makes me hate this show even more.)

David, 25

David

Speaking of stupid, here’s another successful business man. Because of course that’s how you describe a 25 year old. Also, he “loves avocado but hates guacamole.” A walking conundrum.

Darius, 26

Darius

D-Money lives a life of service so he’s charitable AF and probably won’t last long in this testosterone pissing contest.

John, 28

John

I fell asleep reading this guys’ bio and he looks like a dad.

Wills, 29

Wills

He seems cool but all we really know is that he’s into Harry Potter and has a plural first name.

Jake, 29

Jake

Jake’s a thrill seeker and into motocross. I was into that DCOM Motocrossed where the girl chops her hair short to compete with the boys and then falls in love with Riley Smith. Same thing, really.

Grant, 27

Grant

Again, nothing really special here. Apparently he’s sarcastic AF so maybe that’ll keep things fun or maybe it’ll be really annoying. Time will tell.

Rickey, 27

Rickey

I think Rickery Dickery Dock made an app or something for fitness but have you seen his bowtie game? Between that and the maroon jacket, he’s inched toward the top of the list.

Joe, 31

Joe

Tale as old as time, record breaking stockbroker turned grocery store owner. Joe didn’t have any true red flags and he’s pretty cute so here we are. If we’re being completely honest, in my notes I wrote “he’s fine” and starred him. So that’s where our standards lie now for contestant bios.

Christian, 28

Christian

This hombre is from Mexico and a semi-pro futbol player so that’s pretty spicy. Except that his occupation is banker. So clearly he wasn’t that good at footie. He probably just plays on a co-ed club team.

Kamil, 30

Kamil

Gotta rep my fellow upstate NY’ers (except for James) even though “social media participant” isn’t a career and if it was, I wouldn’t be unemployed right now…or ever. Kamil is from Poland and “dabbles in modeling.” I make my friends take pictures of me every weekend so I guess you could so I also dabble in modeling. Kammy and I have a ton in common and I’m pulling for him.

Colton, 26

Colton

Colton is dazzling but he’s probably not the winner. He’s another one of those former pro football players, forced to quit due to injury who is now dedicated to his charity work and loves spending time with his family. Sounds like the perfect man, but might be a little too young for the Beccster.

Alex, 31

Alex

Alex is the man Becca deserves according to my opinion alone. He’s a little older, a construction manager, loves his dog and listening to country music on his boat. Plus look at that cute smile. Alex & Becca 4eVeR.

As always, if I’ve chosen the one who gets kicked off the first night or turns out to be a crazy person I cannot be held liable as THEY GIVE US NO INFORMATION TO MAKE THESE PREDICTIONS OFF OF. Peep the full bios HERE and LET’S. DO. THE. DAMN. THING.

 

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