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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- The Other Chad

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Chad’s Last Stand

The boys gather to toss Chad’s protein powder into the wind and Wells is the lead spokesperson? Huh? Has Wells said anything since he almost passed in his firefighter suit? James Taylor plays his guitar of course. And Even declares, “Chad has been eliminated by Alex.” Not confident he knows how the show actually works. Daniel lets Chad back in the house so the bros can form a circle around him like a captive audience nommin on cereal to hear all about his date. This ends in Chad and Jordan getting into a handshake fight. No seriously, I stopped listening but I know that there was a squeezed handshake and some power staring. 1, 2, 3, 4 I DECLARE A THUMB WAR. Chad spin moves out of the house and that’s all he wrote for the best character in Bach history. What a disappointing departure after all that whistling build up. The boys embrace Alex like he’s the MVP including cupcakes, party hats and a sparkler. These guys have WAY too much time on their hands.

Cocktail Party

Chase gets in a bubble with JoJo and it’s seriously pointless. Until JoJo flatlines Chase with one bump and that brings me pure joy. James F(?) Who has done nothing of substance for the past four weeks, read a poem to JoJo that was super dumb and she teared up. The mystery is solved, JoJo can absolutely cry on demand. There is no way that poem elicited emotion in her. Alex cuts his soliloquy off, which is almost as embarrassing as James F getting tossed immediately after writing prose for JoJo. Jordan saves the day with a quick toss of JoJo against the wall for a steamy makeout sesh, harlequin novel style to the soundtrack of mystery music. Evan spends the entire first half of the episode talking about Chad and the void that he’s left behind. It’s almost as if his only existence on this show was to antagonize Chad and then he questioned who he even was once Chad peaced outta that B. Side note: HOW IS HE STILL HERE?!

Roses: Jordan, Alex, Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T, Evan

Punta Del Este, Uruguay. Three cheers for the travel budget because “ORAGUAI WE’RE COMIN BABY!”-The guy with the horizontal line of hair across his forehead.

Thank God they showed us the cartoon plane flying from PA to Uruguay otherwise I would’ve literally never known where it was in the world.

Let’s Seal the Date with Jordan

The two love birds yacht it up and swim amongst seals, which seems pretty lame. I’m not asking them to go to an island of sea pigs and let them assault you, but if you’re going to be surrounded by adorbs seals, why not play catch with them too?

Back at the GRAND hotel, which in Robby’s words IS pretty grand. Vinny and his wannabe JT fedora trades in his binocs that he used to creep on Jordan/JoJo for a few gossip rags. Once they’re all done being jelly and comparing Jordan to Chad because he got a one on one and they didn’t, they start reading InTouch cover to cover. Apparently JoJo’s ex Chad, who you’ll recall sent her roses during her home visit with Ben, did a quickie tell all that said they were dating at the time she was filming last season. The bros are in uproar about JoJo still being in love with her ex. Don’t these morons know that nothing is true until it’s published in People? Bible. Also this was 100% planted because producers realized there was no story without the Chadbear. Always need a Chad to keep things interesting.

And on the date, playing with the very obviously written rumors theme, JoJo “met” one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends who warned her that he sucks at relationships and she needs to address it with him. How’s that possible when she meets the suitors during filming and can’t communicate with the outside world? Oh yeah this show is fake. My B. Jordan says he never cheated but he liked flirting with chicks. He confirms that he was immature and he’s ready now to get married to someone he doesn’t know. JoJo whines DON’T BE MAD AT ME because she tried to get to know him and build trust. Definitely something she should be apologizing for. He gets rosed.

Afterward, producers are like how’s your date? Who cares, here’s a slanderous story from your ex-boyfriend that we’ve given to the contestants to simmer with and confront you about. JoJo cries a lot and says he’s manipulative and an overall terrible person. She sobs real hard to the boys that she’s here for the right reasons. They’re all like OMG WE WOULD NEVER DOUBT THAT. K, whatevs.

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I Can’t Sand to Be Away From You with Luke Derek Chase Evan James Vinny Grant Wells Alex

The crew goes sand surfing, which actually looks really fun despite how gross and dirty sand is. The boys might as well be shouting JoJo WATCH THIS!! as they try tricks and flips in the sand to show off their mad skillz. Evan fears another gushing nose because he can’t handle life without bleeding out. Later they all use their one on one time to talk about this dumb planted InTouch story. Also apparently Alex hates Derek now and calls him an insecure little bitch for telling JoJo that he feels that their relationship needs validation. Literally what has Derek done to deserve such miniature-strength hate. Derek gets the rose.

Love is Within Our Reach with Robby

JoJo plays with a strange dog on the beach and I could honestly watch her play with this dog for the rest of an episode rather than have to watch Robby pretend he likes girls. They go around the city or something and jump off a cliff together and make out in a cave.

Robby tells a tale of how his best friend drove off a bridge a year ago. It inspired Robby to drop his girlfriend, move and quit his job. Seems pretty rash kind of like telling a girl he loves her like 1 week after meeting her. He does that though. And I curl into a ball of cringez. Her reply is “thank you so much”..and a rose.

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Alex and Chase gang up on Derek about how he got his rose, Chad style. No but really. Give it a rest, Alex. You’re moment to shine has passed, the minute your feet dangled from the couch.

Cocktail Party (Naht.)

Derek takes the boys (Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan) outside to tell them they’re acting like a high school clique. Alex tells him he’s being sensitive. Yes that’s right, the guy who made it his mission to go after Chad and wah-wah about everything he did, is calling someone else sensitive. This is so dramatic and lame. Thumbs down for everyone included in this man pow-wow. Joke’s on the high school kiddies because there’s no cocktail party…so that we can get back on track with one rose ceremony an episode HOPEFULLY.

Roses (again): Jordan, Derek, Robby, Luke, Chase, Alex, James, Wells

Evan cries. Grant’s ass looks good in his suit. Vinny cries. (about his hair?)

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But really though, Byebyebyebyebyeeeeee Evan! 

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The Bachelorette-Milk is Delicious

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We left off last night with C. Harrison telling Chad to straighten out the dramzies. I think my favorite part about soundtracking is that all an editor needs to do is add in some unsettling music and suddenly it looks like Chad is stalking in to smash skulls. Instead he approaches the bros and smoothes everything over (says he’s not doing anything wrong and tells everyone to agree with him) then goes outside to play with his noodle. Pool noodle, ya pervs. Because that’s right, it’s POOL PARTY TIME!!! JoJo’s like screw the cocktail party, I just wanted to get loose with my guys in a sloppy Vegas style pool party. They rip shots and the guys all pop boners and WOOOO when JoJo loses her crochet cover-up. Not to be a total Chad, but seriously, have these guys ever seen a hot chick in a bikini before? Fake-out one of the night comes when Evan dives into the pool and comes up with a bloody nose. Instead of shouting in a panic “EVAN YOU’RE BLEEDING!!!” like we were led to believe by the previews for tonight’s epi, JoJo’s like LOL you’re bleeding Evan. Ugh, you tricky tricky bastards. All I wanted was a Chad/Evan showdown. I would’ve settled for Evan just being pushed in the pool unexpectedly but noooooo. Evan makes a big show of declaring that he’s not afraid of Chad, which we all know, means he’s terrified and probably locks his door at night and gets panic attack nosebleeds whenever Chad is near.

In other news, JoJo cuddles right up to Jordan and confesses she’s scared of her chemistry with him. She then shoves her legs basically inside of him. Girl, you can’t get any closer unless he’s penetrating you. They thigh touch a whole lot and talk about how much they like each other. Jordan’s going to ‘splode if she keeps this up before the fantasy suites.

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Rose Ceremony

Chase, Evan, James Tay, Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, Chad

I Like You Very Mush with Luke

ABC continues their streak of giving the ladies DIRT travel budgets and the first trip is Pennsylvania. PENN-SYL-FUCKING-VANIA. Sorry for the cursing, Dad. Not sorry for shitting on this trip. As Luke is leaving for his date, Vinny tells him, “We’ll miss you very mush.” GOOD ONE VINNY! I can tell why JoJo is keeping you around. Don’t ever lose that killer sense of humor!

Luke and JoJo take a dogsled ride into a random field, where, you guessed it! There’s a hot tub waiting for them. Except this isn’t a Ben Higgins model, plopped in a forest. This is a country wood-fired hot tub and Luke better get to choppin if they want to take a dip. I had high hopes that this would be a Win a Date with Tad Hamilton flashback but it was way underwhelming. Lose the shirt before the chop and we’ll talk.

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The hot tub water looks like a murky swamp and yet they both strip down and can’t wait to become immersed in those diseases. JoJo in typical girl fashion demands that Luke make it really hot then burns her limbs off stepping into the tub. Hey JoJo, that’s what really hot feels like. A gent through and through, Luke dangles JoJo above the water until she stops being a baby bitch and can handle the temp. Swoooonnnn. Once in the water, Luke says in his slow ass voice, “Sometimes hot tubs are too hot.” And my swooning comes to an abrupt halt. JoJo climbs into his lap because girl is all about the lap sit. He probably pokes her with his boner but it goes away real quick when JoJo tells Luke he doesn’t look like a rugged man. What a dig. YIKES Luke, tell me those words won’t live with you for all of eternity.

JoJo makes up for it later when she asks Luke how he got so confident and sexay. She really goes for the hard-hitting Q’s. His best friend was killed in Afghanistan so it made him live life like his blood type, B Positive. Yeah it got real serious for a second so I felt the need to spice things up with a Timeflies lyric. Luke gets chills from looking into JoJo’s eyes. JoJo leaves a puddle on the seat probably and roses Luke.

But wait…there’s ONE MORE SURPRISE!!!! Is obviously live music. Dan + Shay need to promote their new album which conveniently dropped today so JoJo and Luke attend their concert and slow dance onstage. I use the term dance loosely because they spend the entire time onstage sucking face. If I bought tickets to that concert I would walk right out. Don’t force me to watch PDA. NOT UP IN HERE.

I’ve gone far too long without talking about Chad so let’s check in on his mental state. Oh no biggie, he’s tanning at the house while a bear wanders around a few feet away. METAPHORS. What season is it in PA though because we’ve got JoJo wearing her best fall outfits and snuggled in a blanket while Chad lays TOFTB in the hot sun. I’m so confused. Either way, don’t poke the Chad bear.

We Could Go All the Way with Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby

Big Ben (an alleged rapist) leads this date and by leads I mean he asks JoJo who her favorites are then laughs at them all from the stands as he uses those bear paws of his to slam Cheetos into his mouth. In our second fake-out of the night, James Tay gets a bloody injury from a basic football tackle. Womp Wommppp. He doesn’t want stitches because that means he’d have to leave the date, so instead he’d rather have an ace bandage around his ENTIRE HEAD for a scratch and blood dripping down his face. Quick tip for James Taylor: dried blood on a man’s face=Sahara Desert vag.

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The boys suit up for the game and Evan takes prep for this game v seriously. He arranges his side bang to peek out of his headband as if he’s the lead singer of an emo band. Then slaps on just one eye black. Mid-game he gets another nosebleed of course—denies it—then declares he killed it when his team wins. Daddy’s a winner! He whispers to himself with a closed mouth smile as he sniffs the football, probably.

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Later with the winning team, Robby tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and lays her out on the pool table after gingerly pushing the balls away for a makeout sesh. Robby’s gay, right? Like 100%? She tongues everyone in the room, including James’ open wound (gross) but Jordan gets the rose because he was passin those pigskins like an almost PRO today and also he took her by surprise and made her feel special. (Special is girl talk for W-E-T.)

Let’s Get Lost with Chad and Alex

Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and he’s not wrong. Seriously Alex is being all of those things. A bunch of grown men all sit on top of each other on an L shaped couch while Chad threatens to take them all outside. Again, no one goes outside. If this sounds like a repeat of Monday night’s group date fight, please know that it is.

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The date is hiking and JoJo looks SO outdoorsy with that flannel tied around her waist. Alex airs his grievances about Chad. And there are A LOT OF THEM. One being the Jordan incident that morning, which Alex wasn’t even present for. Seems legit. JoJo immediately tells Chad all the dirt she just heard. Typs 2 on 1 date etiquette. Chad’s like didn’t you ever threaten to rip a girls leg off when you lived in the bachelor mansion? And JoJo is like no, not really. C’mon JoJo…don’t tell me you didn’t at least think about tossing Lauren’s torso into the ocean once you found out Ben loved her TOO?! Ugh, anyway JoJo needs to “think” about why she has such a thing for bad boys or something. Thinking turns into crying when JoJo muses that maybe Chad’s an asshole because he’s grieving his mom’s death. (Or maybe he’s just putting on his best performance to cut a movie deal? Jus sayin.)

Chad relishes his last few moments of fame when he tells Alex he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed with a sly smirk as he drinks milk lying down. Alex has a mini tantrum about how he thought they were going to be Marine besties and Chad’s like whatever, have a glass of milk, bruh. In the end JoJo tells Chad and his violent ways off and gives Lil Alex the rose. Alex has just landed himself on the hit list and the guys shoot off confetti at the news. But it’s not over. Chad whistles and stalks through the woods (all the way back to the house?) Yeah ok. TO BE CONTINUED in two weeks with probably nothing dramatic at all if we’ve learned anything from being tricked by these perfectly crafted previews. Seriously, guys. Don’t fall for it. Either way, I’d like to declare this season over the minute Chad leaves. Whether he’s escorted off or he just went back to the house to grab the extra meats he keeps in his bunk, Heavyweights style, I’m Team Chad through and through. Which when you think about it is strategic AF because I know for a fact Chad will never find me and beat my ass. Winner, Winner, Sweet Potato Dinner.

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The Bachelorette- JoJo Gets Yim-Yammed

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“If I don’t get this date card I’m gonna go cry in a corner by myself”

Let’s Get Physical with Chase

Since The Bachelor’s MO is tossing two people who don’t know each other into tantric workshops, welcome to hawt yoga with the guy who’s logged about 5 minutes total with JoJo. It starts with a bang when the yoga instructor asks how long JoJo and Chase have been intimate and they’re like COULD YOU DEFINE INTIMATE? Oh yeah we’ve never even kissed. So that’s a no. It’s fine though because it took my eyes no time at all to get intimate with Chase in those leggings. He’s got a droolworthy bod with a six pack to write home about. JoJo is feelin it too as she keeps telling the camera how chiseled Chase is. Then she straddles him for “a yoga position” called the “yim-yam” except it ends with them making out and touching each other’s naked bodies. While they were hardcore yimming each other’s yams, the yoga instructor magically disappears. What a wing woman. Girl knows what foreplay looks like and when to get the hell outta there. Side note that you may detect a scooch of jealousy in: JoJo’s perfect mermaid waves stay intact throughout this entire 110-degree workout and she couldn’t look fresher. WUTEVER.

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Later, JoJo does that thing girls do when they want a guy to tell them they’re a bangpiece—she’s all I didn’t even look sexy today, I was so nervous! LoL. Chase doesn’t bite. Strike one. Then he talks about how his parents got divorced and marriage is a one-time deal for him. Does Chase know what show he’s on? The Bachelorette does not value marriage, Chase. Get out while you can. He gets rosed because JoJo’s “excited” about him. Read: her undies are soaked just thinking about getting her yam yimmed. Charles Kelly serenades them.

Love Has No Secrets with Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad

Upon receiving the group date card with fifty names on it, Chad says that he doesn’t even wanna go. He’d rather kick back and get his one on one later. The other gents aren’t loving this ‘tude and so starts a bro-off. Chad tells Evan to stop talking and calls Jordan a failure. Alex “try me bro’s” Chad and there’s a whole lot of staring.

The date turns out to be a Sex Talks live show. In other words, a show where people pay money to watch a woman walk onstage and proceed to make orgasm sounds. The bros are uncomfy and Vinny “has never heard sounds like that before.” Quick tip for Vinny, solve that line of hair parading across your forehead (you are a barber, after all) and you might have more chances to bring chicks to O-Town. The date takes a turn when the men are asked to participate. I was pretty terrified when we got a BTS peek at the process and Daniel was drawing a stick figure on his pad of paper. My predictions came true when he told a story about cutting a lock of hair with a knife from a girl he had tied up. REALLY ABC? YOU’RE GONNA SPLICE THAT SOUNDBYTE IN WITH NO EXPLANATION?! I can only assume the stick figure he drew was supposed to be a chalk outline of the girl he once raped and killed. Bet he carries that hair around in his pocket. His act got big laughs though so apparently I’m missing something here. It would be nice to know so I don’t have nightmares about the Damn Daniel guy scalping someone. (Or images of Nick the former Santa Claus practicing his alphabet tongue skills. Yuck.)

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Anyway, I got carried away creating my own story because the truth is, there’s only one storyline here and his name is Chad. In fact, The Chadchelorette is now a thing. Evan has declared himself number one instigator this week with a routine solely focused on Chad’s steroid use. Lil Alex cheers him on from the crowd because someone smaller than him is taking on his battle. There’s a wrinkle in Evan’s plan when Chad tries to tear his shirt clean off his body. I cheered and then quickly waivered in my support for Chad when I saw that his tactic was to plant one on JoJo instead of telling a sex story. She cheeks him SO HARD and it’s cringeworthy to say the least. Evan’s feeling pretty giddy post-show for having almost been hung by his own v-neck but Chad is there to make him flinch and bring him back down to earth. Chad is also bleeding from his altercation with the stage door. But that’s neither here nor there.

At the night portion, we could talk about how Jordan dances around the fact that he probably (if Instagram has anything to say about it, definitely) cheated on his ex girlfriend and Alex weirdly tells JoJo that he’s ride or die. OR we could talk about how Chad sits approximately 1 foot away from JoJo and Nick and whistles a tune until they’re forced to move locations. We can also share a giggle about how Chad’s shirt rage really stemmed from a little movie theater pet peeve. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LET THE OTHER PERSON OUT OF THE ROW BEFORE YOU GO IN. If I had a nickel for every shirt I ripped when someone got up to go to the bathroom at Regal! Evan, still high off of his seriously unfunny standup act, demands an apology from Chad and a new shirt.

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Chad werks that spin zone and by the end of this confrontation, I begin to believe that Evan’s actually the bully. Except he’s not a bully. He’s a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener. He declares to JoJo that if Chad stays, he will have to leave. As I begin to sing Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, HEYYYEYYYYYEYYY GOODBY—WHAT!??!?! EVAN GOT A ROSE?! I didn’t even need to scream at my TV because Chad does it for me when he asks JoJo “is this a real scenario right now?” Well?! ANSWER THE QUESTION JOJO. DID YOU REALLY JUST KEEP A SPAGHETTI STRAP TANKTOP WEARIN’ MAN WHO KISSED YOU, THEN WHISPER-SANG TO THE CAMERA IN A HIGH FALSETTO, “Boys guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!” Not only did Evan really stick to his guns there, but he also managed to creep the world out in about 30 seconds. Congrats you big weirdo.

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Let’s Kick it Old School with James Taylor

Rrrrighttt, like we’re to believe that JoJo can drive a vintage whip without power steering. HOKAY. A lady whose easily 100 gives James Tay and JoJo swing dance lessons. James gets pretty sweaty. JoJo looks like an old Hollywood dream, of course. The “surprise” is that they dance with other swing dancers for one song. Cool. James is excited about everything. I’m excited for them to cut to Chad manhandling a sweet potato.

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That night, JoJo is concerned because she likes James childlike wonder but doesn’t necessarily want to mount him. James reveals that his nickname in school was Luke Longneck (better than being compared to Squidward—amirite Grant?!) He feels like JoJo is out of his league…probably because she is. JoJo can’t reject him after that confession without looking like a real B, so he gets a rose. Since James is the guitar guy, he HAS to bust out the axe and sing a whiny original to JoJo. Picture yourself sitting directly next to a guy who is serenading you with a lame song. Would you play dead? (I would.) Instead, JoJo cries. Nailed it.

Tensions are apparently so high back at the ranch that the guys force security guards to walk the perimeter of the bachelor mansion in case Chad gets the urge to rip any more shirts. Daniel tries to level with Chad by comparing him to Hitler and asking if he could maybe dial it back to Mussolini. Chad ponders as he bites into a head of lettuce. He’s probably still pondering when Evan decides to act suuuuper mature for a 33-year-old dad, and tattle to Chris Harrison. C. Harrison tells Chad to settle the problem, Chad hears “create a Bachelorette death match”, and Evan just doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. HE’S JUST EXHAUSTED, GUYS. We’re left in the lurch for tonight’s episode because the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead we will get probably a full hour of a gangbang pool party. Bonus points if legs are cut off and torsos are thrown into the pool. Getchyo drinks ready because it’s about to pop OFF tonight and I will daydream of floating torsos until then.

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The Bachelorette- Chad Came for the Free Meats

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“Hey you hurt our feelings, we’re a bunch of butthurt dudes…”

 

Blowin up Limos with Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, Robby

There’s a blazin limo in the bach driveway but have no fear because JoJo hops out of a fire truck dressed as a slutty firefighter in a skin tight white tank and gives everyone boners, free of charge. The competition is how to be a firefighter and Grant, the real life firefighter probably will be a natural at this. Wells the radio DJ, not so much. He may know All-4-One but he can’t play with hoses. It’s rock bottom for him when the instructor demands that he get some water in front of the rest of the guys. YIKES. That’s like when my gym teacher used to call me out for walking the mile. Shamed for days. Wells finally has to lie down for a little while because the water wasn’t healing his near death experience. It’s then when I have my AHA moment. JoJo comes over to him and suddenly he’s cured just from being touching distance from those knockers. It’s an open and shut case of Wells pulling the Squints drowning for a Wendy Peffercorn smooch. I see you, Wells. (He later wins a pity rose for this performance.) Snake it till you make it, bro. If you’ll recall, Squints and Wendy went on to have 9 kids. Back to the competition, Grant wins it, as he should. If he didn’t win this game, he 100% should’ve changed career paths. PS how many MF’ing fire puns can we fit in one date? Answer: all of them.

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Later, Luke in his T-Bird leather jacket says, “I’m so glad to like…..beeee here.” No seriously, that was his opening line to JoJo, said like he was a basic bitch. He talks about his history in the military and how he’s had a few serious relationships. Then they tongue. (Update: I still can’t figure out why I hate Luke but I want to punch him square in the face.)

While the boys are at the date, Chad straps his suitcase full of protein powder to his dick and does some pull-ups. The rest of the gents watch and laugh at him. Then James Taylor leads them in a campfire song called “JoJo” and Chad sulks in the kitchen. I’ve never gone from hating someone so much to siding with them so quickly.

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Love is Full of Choices with Derek

The premise of this date is that signs are placed in front of their powder blue vintage convertible and they have to decide on the count of three. They both decide sky and OMG THEY’RE SO COMPATIBLE. North or South? They (JoJo) pick North and they better keep their head on a swivel for South because he was PRETTY PISSED they didn’t choose him. While flying to San Fran in a private jet, Derek and JoJo play thumb war with both hands, at the same time. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. In the end they picnic at the Golden Gate Bridge and it’s pretty vanilla.

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Later at dinner, JoJo repeats everything that they did that day. As if we didn’t watch it and they didn’t live it. Then they talk about past relationships and Derek closed himself off because he thought he was getting married and there “was another person involved in that.” Which is a weird and long-ass way to say he got cheated on. They’re on the same page about trying to be more open. Derek’s cute and all but this date was boring as hell. The grand finale is making out in front of a Technicolor water fountain. Obviously Derek gets rosed.

Meanwhile, on the Chad show, he makes a really intelligent analogy about how if he blended the dudes in the house into a protein shake, they wouldn’t win this show. WOW Chad, what a brainteaser. #DudeProteinShakes should be trending forever. It will also probably be the name of his pending blog and exercise powder sponsorship, post-show. Although to give him credit, he’s talking to Daniel during this musing of men and shakes and I’m sure that made COMPLETE sense to the Canadian male model who still thinks Damn Daniel is relevant. They’re both wearing frat tanks during this convo, because of course.

 

“Prove Your Love To Me and the Nation” with Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex, Chad

JoJo “is on” Sports Nation where she gives only the hottest of takes on Steph Curry’s career. HOT GIRL LOVES SPORTS! Not a cliché at all! The hosts of Sports Nation conduct a series of tests for the men in the ESPN studio. First they practice their touchdown dances with a rose. They’re all equally as embarrassing and I wish to revisit none of them. Then they play dizzy bat but instead of chugging a beer, they have to propose to JoJo. Remind me to never suggest this as a party game. Chad is like hey marry me, ho and then calls her naggy. Good combo. In the press conference portion, the bruhs are asked serious questions about marriage and JoJo. James Taylor obviously sings his answer. (DOES HE EVER NOT SING?!) Everyone calls Chad out for being a doucheroni and he defends himself by being completely honest and saying he wants to get to know JoJo before he says he loves her. Then fires back at the gang for never seeing a beautiful girl before. Truthbomb city. The hosts wearing basketball sneaks with suits pick the top three in descending order: Alex, Chad, and James Tay as the numero uno. Chad thinks the rest of the guys here are a bunch of sissy wieners.

At the hang afterward, James Tay creeps all up in JoJo. He tells her, “a smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside.” What? As if that wasn’t confusing enough, he then reads aloud a note that basically just lists his interests? I don’t know. JoJo tears up for some reason, which leads me to believe she’s practicing her acting for future career moves because in no way would someone saying they sometimes like chick flicks make a bitch cry. Regardless, they kiss and James ends up with a rose. So apparently his constant singing only annoys me? Whatever.

In other group date hang news, Alex sits in a giant chair you find at Cape Cod beaches, further highlighting his midget status. And Chad talks about how hard he works, not allowing him to have a relationship. Yeah okay, Chad. THAT’S why you’re single. Then he tells JoJo that he inherited a dog from his mom and JoJo was like omgg are you and your mom close? INHERITED, JOJO. AKA she has passed. It only happened about six months ago and that seems like a red flag that he was casj about it. They make out and JoJo feels better about Chad acting like a dick all day because he opened up to her.

Cocktail Party

This is when Chad really starts to derail, and by derail I mean turn into me when I attend a party with free food. But first, he greets JoJo at the limo to tell her that he worked out that day and avoided all of the other brosephs in the house. JoJo is all about that bad boy life so she eats this shit right up. He gives her a smooch and she says thank you.

Then the rest of the guys do the thing I hate the most on Bachelor(ette)….they gang up on Chad for getting more time with JoJo. It’s embarrassing and pathetic that they’re attacking someone for being more strategic than them and it makes me want to like Chad. I guess I’m into bad boyz too. While they’re scolding him for talking to JoJo, Chad goes IN on a meat stick and I respect tha hell out of this tactic. He then fills plate after plate of lunchmeats and wangz, savagely tossing them down his throat while everyone else judges real hard.

chewlikeyouhaveasecret

Where’s the fat shaming during the Bachelor? Have we ever even seen the women eat or does their diet consist solely of white wine while they’re filming? DOUBLE STANDARD. After Chad feels satisfied with his pre-bedtime snack of meats, he cuts lil Alex off so he can tell JoJo how much he likes her. And then, just to prove that he can, he doubles back and does it again to ED guy. To be clear, cutting in on ED guy is a walk in the park. This guy is such a lamewad with his stupid hair and weird job that I’m wondering how he’s still kicking on this show. Chad could’ve given him a noogie while he was stealing JoJo and I probably would’ve cheered him on from my couch. Realistically all he needed to do was get Daniel in there to poke Evan’s belly button and it would’ve been game over.

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Either way, by the end of last night’s episode I loved Chad a lot. It helps that he gave us quotes like: “Shes’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people.” Hey Chad’s just telling it like it is and packing on the protein. Haters gonn’ hate, Alex’s gonn’ be short.

Roses: Wells, Derek, James Taylor, Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, Chad

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Nashville, Television

Nashville-“Maybe You’ll Appreciate Me Someday”

(Ehhh…probably not.)

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OH BOY. We are finished. The series of Nashville is dunzo (until they grovel so hard for a spot on Hulu and I pretend it no longer exists.) I counted down the minutes this episode, urging everyone to get their shit together by the very last frame. And they did. Sort of.

Let’s start with some LoLz. Colt facetiming Luke from “the army” wearing a camo bucket hat. They really made that one believable. How did he get his ass kicked for defending his dad’s liberal views and yet doesn’t get his ass kicked for rocking that bucket hat? Seems fishy, is all.

Let’s check in with Maddie for a hot sec. She’s still doing the NYC thing and upon meeting her producer, takes a kissy-faced selfie with him. SHE’S SO MATURE AND DESERVING OF AN EMANCIPATION. While shamelessly stalking their daughter on Instagram, Rayna reveals that Maddie’s producer Vince is the same one who tried to give her some unsolicited kissing back in the day. Deacon’s all, you don’t say! As he puts on his readers and goes in for a closer look. Just don’t accidentally double tap, Deacon! Every insta-creepers’ worst fear. Rayna somehow escaped the clutches of Vince back then (probably by flipping her magic hair and telling him to suck it) but she’s pretty concerned about Maddie. Probably because Maddie’s an idiot who would probably ask Vince mid-rape if he would mind posing for a quick snapchat (with the dog filter obvi.)

That may seem like a harsh assumption but when Vince drops the “I’m having some people by my private studio, you should stop by” line and Cash the wannabe is like WE’RE SO THERE, it doesn’t reeeaaallyy seem like a great idea. The second they walk in Maddie has her dumb phone out for a selfie. I want to hulk smash that phone out of her hand. More to come on the Maddie front but I’m irrationally angry about what a moron she is at the moment.

So we’re going to chat about Scarlett, whose southern accent gets more hick every time I hear it. My ears will be #blessed without it penetrating them every week. After another encouraging chat from that manager who’s only lines have been about headshots and tour offers up until this very last episode (cheers to you for finally getting your time to shine as a character in the series finale, guy) Scarlett decides to word vom it up to Gunnar that she loves him. Aaaand then Big Red comes tromping in like bull in china shop and is all omgggg you told her we’re together?! Die away from me, Red. She then manipulates Gunnar to believe Scarlett doesn’t really mean it, the Exes break up for a hot second, manager flexes his acting skills again with another pep talk and bingo bango, you’ve got a live Exes reunion when Gunnar plants one on Scarlett mid-concert. This generates an AWWWW for all normal people, and hysterical laughter from me. Be more predictable, Nashville. You can’t.

JK they totes can because guess whose garbage can devious plan went up in flames around her? Laaaaaayla. (Pls sing in Eric Clapton voice for full effect.) As she sees her sham of a publicity relationship with Avery going downhill, she calls in an anonymous tip to the paps that Juliette killed the Jeffster. There’s lawsuits and headlines and Juliette’s like whatever I’m over it, let’s do this thing. Kind of pokes a hole in Magnum Layla PI’s course of action here. I’ve never seen someone try so hard just to date a guy with a flavor savor. Gross. Glenn loses his shit on Layla, knowing exactly what she did and fires her. When you get yelled at by Glenn, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. At the same damn time, Luke tells Avery that Layla has known forever and it’s byeee bye bye bye bye to her career…and relashe. Juliette comes clean at the Oscars, proving how much she’s matured and Avery is like okay you may come back to us now that I know you almost offed yourself just because I divorced you. So everything’s roses for mommy, daddy and forever screeching baby Cadence. Right?

In the trend of full-circle character development, now that Will has decided to speak of his gayness on a political talk show, he’s fully embracing the community. He rallies some wily gays in Atlanta via Kevin (who’s newly single) to protest outside of Cynthia’s studio. In turns into a quick pop-up concert with a duet between Luke and Will that has Kevin soaking his undies out in the audience. Will finally gets his shot to appear on the show, crushes it, obviously and then gets some sage advice from Luke about going after Kevin. “You never know if you’ll get a second chance, until you take a chance.” Wow, Luke. That was PROFOUND. Sounds like it belongs in one of your shitty songs. Either way, both boys take that chinese proverb to heart. Kevin and Will are back at it again and not one for leaving a character without a happy ending—Luke tries to reunite with his ex-wife who we never once heard anything about and even chats it up with his daughter. Cause like, apparently he has other kids too, who didn’t witness a man tumble to his death and then join the army to escape it.

Alright, now that we’ve tied up all of our supporting characters’ lives neatly with a bow, let’s get back to the insufferable Maddie and her forever front-facing camera. Rayna can’t figure out a way to warn her because as Desperate Deacon points out, “she blocked us on Twitter!” Gawd, can you imagine your mom tweeting at you not to get raped by your producer? #AWKWARD. Rayna does her one better and pens an open letter to Huff Post. This is why you never underestimate Rayna James. Oh, I can’t call my daughter? Cool, I’ll just have my message to her published in a national newspaper in five minutes. Boom. Roasted.

Deacon continues to cr33p so hard on Maddie’s insta, refreshing it every 30 seconds—and this is why parents shouldn’t be on social media—but lookie, lookie, finds her #PartyAtVincesHouse post. For someone whose constantly on social media, that hashtag bloooows. Act like you’ve been here before, Maddie. In fact, I’ll whip up a caption 1000x better for your right meow. How about #PhotobombPervAlert or #WatchOutForViolationVince? I could go on for days. Jus sayin. While Rayna and Daphne sing a duet (only Rayna gets a rhinestoned mic…in due time Daphne, in due time) Maddie finds her mom’s letter and finally stops being a dum dum. Except Vince has Maddie pinned down and Deacon comes plowing through at the exact right second to stop it. So does Cash…cause I guess she’s done chitchatting with Chris Martin (it pains me that they brought Coldplay into this.) BYEEEE CASH!! Hope you had a fun ride on the coattails of a sixteen year old! Deacon brings Maddie home and they all have a life that’s good. Weird. Who called that?

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And that’s all folks! PSYCHE, as Juliette is skipping the Oscars to race home to her fam, her plane has a distress call and she probably died. Guitar Riff. She didn’t win an Oscar either. Tough night for Juliette. But like, at least everyone else lived happily ever after! Even Luke! (Probably not Teddy..) Sucks to suck, Juliette. Thanks for turning into a gr8 person just to maybe die, or at best, get lost at sea. Cause Nashville is surrounded by seas. Ok whatever. Let’s end the series on an uplifting note. Known for his shitty toupees and success relying directly upon Juliette, Glenn has kind of gotten the short end of the stick in this series. But him in those blue glasses at the Oscars? HoT DaMn! What a stud.

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Welp that’s all I got. Thank you for allowing me to shit on this show every week and make it more bearable to watch by poking fun at it. Hope you weren’t banking on a streaming service comeback as much as the writers who stuck us with that cliffhanger were. BYE YA’LL.

connie

(if you ever get lonely and have the nostalgic Nashville feels, hop right onto my playlist for a trip down memory lane of all the best music moments.)

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- This Is What Settling Looks Like

JOJO

“You are the bachelorette, and you are the bachelorette right now.”-Chris Harrison

The first fifteen minutes of this season were dedicated to JoJo staring at the ocean in 5 different outfits (one of them a bikini, her body’s like oookk, whatever) and getting “advice” from former bachelorettes. Kaitlyn’s advice was don’t sleep with a slimeball on TV. JK, she didn’t DIRECTLY say that. But she DID look like a baller in her leather high tops. (I didn’t watch Ali or Desiree’s season and therefore I have no comments for their lame advice.) The ladies ask JoJo if she’s ready to get engaged and she gives a HARD YES. This is why this show is garbage. Oh, and also because we’ve wrangled the largest group of losers I’ve ever seen. JoJo is a knockout smokeshow; unleashing her tits for night one and this is the crack team they’ve assembled to sweep her off her feet? Gimme a break. Let’s go man by man. If you notice someone is missing, it’s because they did nothing noteworthy or I was too busy drinking my sparkly pink wine to notice they existed.

Grant the firefighter.

Grant

Came in HOT (pun intended) with a, “I hope that JoJo is the one that lights my fire.” Ruined it immediately when he exits the limo and tells her that he won’t fall in love with more than one woman like Ben did…he’ll just love her. No shit, Grant. There’s only ONE Bachelorette (may the season of Britt/Kaitlyn RIP), also way to remind her that Ben didn’t love her as much as Lauren. Strike 1.

Jordan, Aaron Rodgers Jr.

Jordan

Jordan gets an opening bit where he tosses the football around in the pouring rain and talks about how he’s jelly of his bro. His last relationship failed because he loved football more and he really contemplates this in that tight Henley of his as fat droplets of water threaten to ruin his floppy head of hair. Jordan’s the first one out the limo and JoJo essentially creams herself. He’s smooth and tells her that his parents met and got engaged quickly and have been married for 37 years. Later, they have a nice chat and he bitches out on the smooch so he circles back for it and JoJo melts away and slobbers over his tight butt and how she needs to do squats. He gets the first impression rose and that’s obvious. He also has erect hair while he receives said rose.

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Alex US Marine.

Alex

Alex‘s twin is also a marine and I’m a little concernicus that when Alex points out how he wants a wife just like his twin’s that he isn’t just suggesting a sister wives scenario so they can have exactly matching lives. Other fun fact about Alex? He’s REAL short. I didn’t really notice this until his feet were dangling off the couch as he chatted it up with JoJo. Then JoJo sits on his back while he does pushups. It would’ve been cute if she wasn’t swaying around and looking like she was doing butt stuff.

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James the Bachelor Superfan.

James S

James does a shirtless intro in the mountains and admits he watches the Bachelor with his mom. He’s a real wiener.

 

Evan the erectile dysfunction guy.

Evan

“A lot of what I do is just pumping up my guys and getting them excited.” You’re barf.com, Evan and your hair is even worse IRL. He didn’t really do anything memorable with JoJo BUT he DID get his belly button poked. Hard. Multiple times. By another man.

Ali the Bartender.

Ali

Ali’s parents are from Iran and all his siblings are doctors. He’s crushing it with mixed drinks though, apparently. And surfing. And catching catfishers on MTV. The first night, he steps out of the limo with creepy wide eyes and probably cuts a lock of JoJo’s hair when he hugs her. Later he tickles the ivories for her because pianos just magically appear outside by the pool.

Christian the IT Guy?

Christian

I don’t actually remember what Christian does but he likes working out at 330 in the morning so I know I would never get along with him. He’s biracial and grew up without a father because his white fam was racist as hell. Still not sure why he’s raising two brothers that look like they could be in college, but I’m guessing it has to do with the dad drama. He seems chill and fairly normal. I can’t recall anything he did at the actual mansion.

Luke the War Veteran

Luke

is a farmer and basically recites the lyrics to small town girl in his opener. Seriously I could’ve been hammered if I drank every time he said “small town”. JK it wouldn’t have been possible with the rosé I was drinking with 6% alcohol. It shouldn’t even be legal to sell wine with no alcohol in it, honestly. Anyway, there’s something that still makes me feel the uncomfies about Luke but he DOES nail the limo exit by riding up on a unicorn horse. It’s cute and unique but does he have a lazy eye? Or what is it that’s creeping me out about Luke? Oh, I know…He describes Ben Higgins as a “soft, supple, smooth guy” Hey ladies, you know how you all hate the word moist? SUPPLE IS MUCH MUCH WORSE. Luke also Gives JoJo legit cowboy boots and I got a flare of jealousy. Then went back to being weirded out by Luke and his supple body.

Derek the commercial banker.

Derek

If you’ll recall I swooned hard over this guy mostly just from his pic. Baby blues for days. Unfortunately he was boring as hell last night. He called himself a nerd and was real nervsies. Get it together, Derek. WE NEED YOU.

Robby the swimmer

Robby

came with a bottle of wine and tells JoJo to drink from the bottle true to Fletcher family tradition. I like his style here except that he whisper talks and reminds me a touch of a serial killer. He also looks like CGI, so I’m pretty much out on Robby. Good effort.

Will (my kinda #1 pick)

Will

stepped out of the limo and dropped cards as part of a dumb bit. It fell flat. But not as flat as when he started unsolicited kissing JoJo via a cootie catcher. YIKES I’m done with Will. I apologize for ever steering you wrong but I’m not down with lip raping.

Chad

Chad

was weird and talked REAL close then got jelly of everyone else for the rest of the night because that’s what men who say their greatest achievement is “being born good looking” do.

Daniel the Canadian male model.

Daniel

His first words out of the limo are “Damn JoJo, back at it again with the Bachelorette” and it is terrible. He has to explain what Damn Daniel is to her later. Rule number one of comedy, always explain your jokes to death until you get a pity laugh. DAMN DANIEL, YOU’RE HILARIOUS. Daniel then drowns himself in alcohol probably because he relied on a snapchat joke a couple of fourteen year olds created to find his wife. He pokes the ED guy in the belly button a few times, then he strips naked for a quick dip.

James Taylor

James Taylor

is the guitar guy and comes out of the limo singing something dumb and I want him to go away immediately. He goes on about how they’re both from Texas. Except Texas is a massive state and cowboy Luke is working that angle as well.

Jonathan

Jonathan

declares, “I’m half Scottish below the waist” whilst wearing a kilt, therefore squashing all small dick assumptions because he’s Asian. Then he makes it rapey by adding that he’s not wearing any panties. PANTIES. Byebyebyebyebyebye. He sits in the mansion with his legs wide open and this season’s black bar already gets a workout.

Nick

Nick B

is dressed as Santa and gives JoJo a gift from his sack. Instead of saying hohoho, he says JoJoJoJo and I want to chop my ears off and put them in a blender. JoJo sits on his lap, HASHTAG PEDOPHILE. She’s like this should be creepy but it’s totally not. It totally is, JoJo. Then she pulls back his beard to reveal his face drowning in sweat and is like it’s probably best if you keep this on, St. Nick.

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Chase the medical sales rep

Chase

wears a fake stache and uses the “I mustache you a question but I think I’m going to shave it for later.” Graphic tees all over the world rejoice.

Sal

Sal

gives JoJo blue balls to squeeze.

 

Coley

Coley

tells a cheesy real estate joke and talks about how his nieces/nephews call him Uncle Co. And tries to sell that they could be Co and Jo. How about no?

Brandon the hipster

Brandon

is SO gross. He proves he is absolutely not a hipster when he tosses an overplayed “Damn Daniel” into the breeze as Daniel dives into the pool. HIPSTERS DON’T WATCH VIRAL VIDEOS, BRANDON YOU FRAUD. Also what a blow to have Coley and Brandon get out of the limo B2B. JoJo was probably like will I ever find an attractive male again?

Nick S. the bandanna wearing dog

Nick S

drops into a split upon meeting JoJo then proceeds to get sloppy drunk.

Vinny the barber

Vinny

gives her a piece of toast then thinks he’s auditioning for the Jersey Shore, gets hammered and crashes JoJo’s confessional. Act like you’ve ever drank before, bruh.

Peter the dirt stache

Peter

gives her a stuffed heart and wants to be her MCM.

James F. the boxer trying to be actor

James F

spars with JoJo a little bit but what really makes him stand out is his stance on belly poking: “You never poke another man’s belly button.”

Wells

Wells

uses his radio DJ connects to bring out All-4-One to serenade JoJo with “I Swear”. She doesn’t even know who they are but she eats that shit right up. It then gets a touch annoying when they follow him around all night and won’t stop harmonizing and snapping.

PLOT TWIST: During the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka rolls in, and he’s apparently a “close family friend.” CLOSE like JoJo’s brothers are with her orrrr? Anyway, he just thought this would be an opportune time to tell her how important it is to find love and give some family friendly advice. And you know, collect another ABC paycheck. THANKS JAKE!! You can take your dad jokes and go home now.

Roses: Jordan, Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel (ugh the OP/Tony of this season)

Teaser for the season: Jordan probably wins, and apparently Chad turns into a real psychopath and there’s a fight with a LOT of blood. Hey guys, remember when Leah got punched in the face? Yeah, me neither. Nice try, ABC. I don’t trust your sizzle reels for a G-D second. What I do trust is that Chad is a weirdo because I called it so hard. What sane person writes “me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” as an answer to three separate question? Psychopaths.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville “It’s Sure Gonna Hurt”

eltonjohn

The time has come. ABC has spoken and Nashville is dunzo. IT’S ALL OVER CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Okay sorry. If that sounded celebratory it’s because it 100% WAS. When your show goes off the rails, has storylines a monkey could write and becomes a chore to watch, it’s time to get the ax and I’m just glad that ABC finally saw that. What once was a show with phenomenal music and spicy love triangles turned into predictable garbage and I think this is the proper time to bid it farewell. Especially now that everyone is in a position to get back togets and love each other for a life that’s good. (Except Maddie, YIKES.) I’m going to promptly ignore the desperate pleas of the cast/fans to get it picked up somewhere else like Hulu or Netflix because after next week, Nashville is dead to me.

Moving on from the good word and onto last night’s episode where they decided to add fuel to the already flaming dumpster fire by creating a cameo from the ear-shattering cast of The View. Luke makes yet another appearance to wave that rainbow flag while Will sits at home with his feet up, chatting with daddy. The dramatics continue when Luke finds out Colt got jumped at boot camp because of the gay pride tour Luke has been on lately. Except it turns out that Colt actually threw the first punch because he was defending dear ole dad. Back in Nashville, a gay guy hides in the shadows at Will’s house to confrontationally tell him that Will’s coming out made him comfortable in his own skin. This seems like an aggressive thing to do just to encourage someone to speak up. Either way, it works and Will is like k I’m ready to talk about being gay now. ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Red AKA Autumn Chase is going to see her BFF Elton John perform in Boston and poaches Gunnar for the trip while Scarlett the little Dutch boy (that hat though) goes to shoot a solo commercial in Chicago. Gunnar sings with Elton onstage and Scarlett has a super d33p convo with the pushy photographer. On what planet does a photographer hired for a shoot kick everyone out and sit down with the subject for therapy? Anyway, after their chat Scarlett boohoos real hard and we get a quick flashback of early Scarnnar days when they were just babies making beautiful music and lovin all up on each other. This forces Scarlett to admit that she loves Gunnar rriiiiiighhhtttt about the same time that Gunnar bangs Autumn “can’t take a hint” Chase because he felt guilty taking all her celeb favors for free.

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In other, couples that should be together and will be by the series finale news, Avery and Juliette are slowly finding out that their flings are stupid. Layla and Avery are acting couply as shit, which is pretty vomit inducing. Until Avery sees that Noah West has stopped by Juliette’s for the evening and he gets jelly belly of Noah playing dad to his demon child. Stressed about it, he nearly saunters offstage at the FAKE Bluebird mid-performance to answer his cell when he sees that Juliette’s calling.

Juliette and Noah go on their first “date”, which consists of taking care of an infant that screams every time two adults try to kiss and then watching Tommy Boy. Noah thinks Tommy Boy is the worst movie ever and Juliette loves it so she breaks up with him because they have NOTHING in common. At least she gave him a fair shot.

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And lastly, Deacon and Rayna are in couples therapy cause they’re DYSFUNCTIONAL AF. Rayna doesn’t really care about fixing her relationship with Deacon; she just wants Maddie back as she cuddles in Maddie’s bed clutching a framed picture of her like she’s dead. You know, real healthy stuff. In their own bed later, Rayna and Deacon touch hands so THEY’RE TOTES BACK TOGETS AND NO PROBLEMS HERE, YO! Tune in next week for the grand finale! Will Maddie come back or is she gone 2 soon? Is Teddy still rotting in prison? Will we get the ghost of Jeff Fordham? Or will we just get a really schmaltzy episode of their best duets and everyone reuniting to live happily ever after in Music City?

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette S12-Ranking The Contestants

bachelorettejojocontestants

With the premiere just a week away, it’s time to start gearing up for JoJo’s season of the Bachelorette. If this group photo is any indication, I’m already over it. Cool Santa suit, bruh. I have carefully studied (briefly skimmed) each bro’s bio to give you the official ranking of who blows and who might have a fighting chance based on how well they photograph and how witty they are at answering stock questions. I’d like to commend Bach writers/producers for asking one of the dumbest questions ever with “Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?” essentially allowing every guy to say that they rotate between all three depending on their mood. Let’s re-visit the rest of the thought-provoking questions in my ranking…

James Taylor, 29 Singer/Songwriter.

James Taylor

Ugh, Ugh, the name, the occupation, the gelled forehead curl and fiery orange beard. Byeeeeeeee. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Nick S., 26 Software Salesman.

Nick S

NICK IS WEARING A BANDANNA AROUND HIS NECK LIKE A DOG WHO JUST WENT TO THE GROOMER.

Evan, 33 Erectile Dysfunction Expert.

Evan

If this job title was supposed to be clever & funny, I can assure you it is not. Evan claims to be very “in touch with his sexual energy”, which gives me all the cringes and he also is preeeettyyyy picky when it comes to ladies so just from one skim of his bio I can tell you why he’s quite single at 33. Also, let’s not overlook that side bang.

Brandon, 28 Hipster.

Brandon

Apparently being a douchebag is a career now. Brandon wants a Noah and Allie type of love. Who knew hipsters liked mainstream rom-coms? FRAUD.

Jonathan, 29 Technical Sales Rep.

Jonathan

Hates veggies but loves his lettuce. HeeyyOoooo. No, but seriously. Also thinks gluten allergies are fake. CONTROVERSY. If my eyes haven’t tricked me, Jonathan rolls up night one wearing a kilt. With that move he bumped himself to the bottom of the pack.

Chad, 28 Luxury Real Estate Agent.

Chad

Directly from Chad’s bio: Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.

What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.

Go home Chad, you’re drunk. (Most likely to be one half of the Clint/JJ duo this season.)

Wells, 31 Radio DJ.

Wells

I want to like Wells but he’s a walking conundrum. His name is weird, and he’s naturally looking to get more publicity (get syndicated) by going on this show and boosting his social media follows. He hates cats (team no cat foreva) BUT also hates pizza? I can’t trust this jabroni. And that pinned/patched denim jacket is trying too hard and that’s obvious.

Christian, 26 Telecom Consultant.

Christian

Has two cats, nuff said. Although he tacked on that his ex took his Chihuahua and there’s definitely a story there. SAD FACE. Wants to go to space for some intergalactic selfies and apparently got in touch with his Magic Mike side in college.

Daniel, 31 Male Model.

Daniel

Ummm…are we sure? Out of all of these men, this one is the profesh looker? Something doesn’t add up here. Really loves Lamborghini analogies:

Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.

Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?

Aaaannd I hate him.

Ali, 27 Bartender.

Ali

Describes himself as “Party-starter with a laid-back attitude.” Whatever that means. Once had long luscious locks. And regrets it. He’s no Tim Riggins.

Coley, 27 Real Estate Consultant AKA assistant in a real estate office.

Coley

 THAT SLICKED HAIR. NO THANK YOU. Coley wants to travel, loves Merica and Hogwarts.

James F., 34 Boxing Club Owner.

James F

In the process of removing 3 tats. He has fitness and acting dreams (and will probably have a blog/hawk a protein powder in 3 months time)

Nick B., 33 Electrical Engineer.

Nick B

Could only last one day inside a woman’s brain. Take that as you will. Reads “Ducks Unlimited.” 90% SURE HE’S SANTA FROM NIGHT ONE. NOPE.

Vinny, 28 Barber.

Vinny

Vinny IS SUCH A VINNY. If you just showed me this picture I would tell you that Vinny is an Italian barber mama’s boy who doesn’t let anyone mess with his meats. The hair, the fact that he calls his friends his “boys”. Everything adds up. Cliché city, population: Vinny.  I can’t WAIT to hear this goombah speak because I KNOW he’s going to have an accent. PS Vinny- pics or it didn’t happen with your bleached JT style tips from back in the day.

Peter, 26 Staffing Agency Manager.

Peter

Peter, your facial hair sucks. Boom, roasted. Regardless of the dirt stache, Peter crushes it at work because he’s gotten promoted at every job. He’s also pretty diverse because he went through a skater AND thug phase. He also lucked out real hard in his suit choice opening night because he coordinated it perfectly with JoJo’s flesh colored dress.

Chase, 27 Medical Sales Rep.

Chase

Meh.This is the part of the ranking where all the boring people go because they haven’t done enough to impress me. Chase will do anything for love but won’t sell his truck. Is afraid of a girl falling in love with him on the first date, which is REAL cocky.

Jake, 27 Landscape Architect.

Jake

In five years Jake sees himself married to the bachelorette with kids. So definitely isn’t lacking confidence but also shouldn’t bank on a family from Texas being down AF with interracial marriages. Used to have sonic the hedgehog hair and looks REALLY surprised that this photo is being taken.

Jordan, 27 Former Pro Quarterback.

Jordan

YO WHAT TEAM? You can’t tease with that and not give a team name and explain why it’s a “former” job. Something’s fishy here. Also how did a helmet fit over that swoopy hair? Update: A reputable source tells me this is Aaron Rodgers’ brother and in her words he’s a “‘former’ footballer because he couldn’t live up to big bros hype.” ZINGGGGG.

Alex, 25

Alex

Alex is a twin, though that’s not his occupation because he’s male and not a blonde cheerleader stereotype cough, cough (he’s a marine.) He likes to slow dance, middle school style, probably to “Perfect” by Simple Plan because he went through a sk8er boi phase. Also humblebrags about saving someone from a fiery car wreck. Just your average Luke from The Longest Ride. Sigh.

Grant, 27 Firefighter.

Grant

Once evaded police in Mexico on an ATV and I’d like to know why. Intrigue. Saves lives, doesn’t love Harry Potter, DOES love Home Alone. Has nailed the sexy flirty pose, so he’ll be modeling for a firefighters shirtless calendar in no time.

Luke, 31 War Veteran.

Luke

Second person to mention Mark Cuban in his interview so I guess everyone slobbers real hard for the Cubez. I don’t have that many mean things to say about Luke here. Anyone who loves Step Brothers is okay in my book. This picture kind of gives me the scaries though.

James S., 27 Bachelor Superfan.

James S

Oh great, this guy won’t be a weirdo. Damn he looks fab in mint though. His number is low because he probably has Bachelor Mondays and calls into Chris Harrison’s after show. JK he thinks intimacy is important and isn’t a whorebag. Respect.

Robby, 27 Former Competitive Swimmer.

Robby

Obv means he’s got the body dreams are made of. Nothing else stands out about Robby. He’s all about that nut hugger life and wants a bajillion kids or something. T’s & P’s for JoJo’s vagina if they end up togets.

Sal, 28 Operations Manager.

Sal

Sal has an old man’s name and seems pretty low-key. The most outrageous thing he ever did was egg his gym teacher’s house as a rambunctious teen. He’d be a nice guy to settle down with, hates snakes and the Kardashians, plus he’s a real cutie. A real safe pick for JoJo…reminds me of Ben Higgi.

Derek, 29 Commercial Banker.

Derek

“My baby blues tend to get a lot of front-end attention” is the understatement of the year. Those eyes are automatic panty-soakers. Flooded basements from just one look. Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Derek hates cucumbers and fluffy kittens, skinny dipped in the ocean, but did not get chomped on by a shark. He’s a top pick because he’s obviously a smokeshow and if it matters to JoJo, he probz brings home the bacon.

Will, 26 Civil Engineer.

Will

Will seems like an attractive goofy goober and that goes pretty far with me. His go-to dance move is “Bernie-ing” and if he could be anyone for a day he would be J.May to melt faces & hearts. Except now that I’m looking at his picture again I’m thinking he’s less attractive than my kneejerk reaction. Ugh, whatever, I don’t have a clear ringleader from this group. You heard it here first, The Salty Ju will not be calling a winner. Which sucks, because I crushed it when I chose Shawn last season. Can’t win them all.

Find full bios here and tune in next week to see if JoJo’s aggressive and slightly attracted to her brothers approve of this group of dum dums.

 

 

 

 

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “After You’ve Gone”

kesha

What a sad, sad montage to kick off this week’s episode. Rayna’s onstage crooning while an orange-vested Deacon scrubs graffiti off of a concrete wall. #JUXTAPOSITION. Oh, and Maddie does her best sexy flirty pout while Cash stage-moms it up from the side. Although it may look like she’s practicing her I’m innocent while also being slutty persona, she’s actually prepping for an auction. Yes that’s right, she wants a record company to bid on her like a piece of meat.

But before we get to that let’s clap it up for Avery this week because THEY LET HIM SING BY HIMSELF!!! On a stage!!! That’s SO season 1. He’s jamming so hard and feeling gr8 about life that he takes that adrenaline and smashes Layla against the wall out back for a mack sesh. Turns out she paid this photog to be there so she could get more press. Avery and Layla have a fight about being a “famous couple” and I wonder if Layla knows that a few short weeks ago Avery was singing commercial jingles for like barely a hundo.

Juliette gets a Google alert of Avery and Layla’s paid for public smooch while she’s shoving ice cream into her ice cream hole. NOT a good look. You know what else isn’t a good look? Using a picture of the ex while she’s mid-sneeze printed next to the tonsil hockey. That’s cold even for a gossip rag. Obviously she needs a hot date to get back at Avery and after a quick run-in with Kesha (thanks for stopping by, grl) Juliette ends up with movie hunk that was after her V when she was preggers. They bang and he wants to have a relashe, I’m assuming just until the end of the season when Juliette and Avery get back together.

Will’s mom died and he’s not allowed at the services. It’s also his fault she died, you know, cause he’s gay. He showed up anyway and whatdya know the church didn’t burn to the ground! His dad still hates him but at least when someone calls Will a homo, Papa Lexington is like NOT IN MY HOUSE…cause like only he can call his son homophobic slurs.

Anyway, back to the meat and potatoes, the dumpster fire that once was a happy lil family singing about how they don’t care about materialistic things, they just want a life that’s good. LoLz. The Beverly is no more and that became obvious when one owner filed a restraining order against the other. Deacon is tossing it around that maybe he should drown himself in booze again since he’s lost EvErYtHiNg. Tandie is back to babysit Daphne. I feel like maybe Daphne is a little old for bedtime stories, but Auntie Tandz disagrees and tells her a long tale of how history is repeating itself and Maddie=younger Rayna. I’m sure that’s comforting for Daphne to hear that her and her sister probably won’t talk for years.

Rayna sleuths on over to the auction after convincing a friend to sign Maddie. I’m sorry, I guess it’s Maddie JAYMES now. Because as if she couldn’t get any worse, ripping her mom’s famous last name from her AFTER declaring she doesn’t want her as a mom anymore SEEMS A LITTLE BIT RIDICULOUS. What a dirt move. Almost as dirt as signing with the New York label, which she obviously does. Adios, Maddie Jaymes, hope you’ll enjoy the big apple with Cash residing directly up your ass.

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Trouble with the Truth”

rayna

Everyone sucked this week. Cash and Frankie sucked for being the worst characters ever, Maddie sucked for taking insufferable teen to an all-time peak, and Deacon sucked for having no self control over his hulk-like tendencies.

But first, and most hilariously, Juliette is nominated for an Oscar and now we KNOW we’re watching fictional television. To make it even less believable, the second the words come out of the announcer’s mouth, her phone starts ringing off the hook. Ok. When she calls Avery to tell him, it just so happens that he’s in bed with Layla and she chooses that exact moment in time to murmur sweet nothings next to the phone so that Juliette then finds out what’s going down. I wrote last week that Emily dropping that baby off said it all, but apparently Juliette’s a little slower on the uptake.

Same with Layla, who realizes that maybe Avery still loves Juliette because he peaces up outta there like the bed is on fire, giving Layla a gentle pat on the back as a thank you for the pork sesh. What a gent. Unfortunately for all of us, they have an adult conversation later (that Juliette spies on) and decide that even though Avery’s exit the morning after was preeetttyy insensitive, they should give this thing a shot. And Juliette decides to act maturely (why?) and tell Layla the truth about Jeff–they both cry but they’re still enemies in love with the same soul patch wimpster. Juliette also wishes aforementioned wimpster happiness. I’m guessing she understands what we all do, which is that Layla and Avery are a flash in the pan and will be broken up by series end. I’m saying series because I’m hoping, nay praying that this season will be the series finale.

In other news, Will gets some radio play and then gets shampoo in his eyes. And that’s the most difficult problem he has to face this episode. Just kidding, the world attacks him again for being gay and points the finger at Luke for having an agenda and trying to tell the American people what to feel. I think that’s what they were saying. I tuned out because it’s a repetitive story line. Either way, Luke is appearing left and right waving the rainbow flag while Will sits at home and wah-wahs again.

Speaking of ruining a good thing, Scarlett & Gunnar are in post-coital glow for about five minutes until the Rolling Stone reporter asks a bunch of questions about their history and digs up all their old shit. By the end of the episode, they’re barely speaking and are back to being “just the Exes.” Okay, you two, thanks for participating in will they or won’t they, we’ll see you in the same place next week.

And finally, onto all the people who suck. Maddie thinks being an adult is pulling your loose mermaid waves into an updo and donning a paisley smoking jacket, apparently. At the hearing for her emancipation, she pulls out the big guns and testifies that she doesn’t feel safe living in the same house as Deacon. Deacon is then called to the stand to testify on all of the people he’s beaten or killed in his lifetime (no biggie) all mouth-pieced from Frankie the jelly belly, who smugly watches from the back of the courthouse with his stupid tall hair. On what planet is it appropriate for a man over the age of 40 to have a pompadour? Don’t answer that. Cash should be embarrassed, especially if she’s trying to become famous.

maddie

After day one of court, Rayna sobs in Maddie’s bed and meanwhile Deacon goes to chitchat with Frankie and ends up getting framed for beating his ass when Frankie the turd threw the first punch. PS Kelsea Ballerini sings Peter Pan and she’s awesome and all, but those few minutes when Frankie is hamming it up with his customers and singing along to her song were some of the funniest in this show’s history. Deacon’s seething at him from the corner of the bar and Frankie’s doling out hugs and swaying to a teen country star’s song about her ex boyfriend. All the awards for that performance.

MARK COLLIE, CHARLES ESTEN

Then he ends up in the hospital with a broken nose and rib, and Deacon ends up in the slammer. I wonder if he’s near Teddy? Congrats Maddie on having both your dads in the big house. Rayna visits Deacon in jail and reminds him how G-D stupid he is. Ugh they’ve been married for 5 whole minutes do we really need to break them up this early? In Nashville plot, the answer is always yes. In the end, Maddie is granted emancipation and I’ve never felt the urge to punch a character in the face more. Especially when Cash hugs her and says “WE DID IT!” Cash you thirsty MF’er. You and Frankie with the erect hair need to GTFO. And that’s that.

 

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