RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Just A Scratch”

We start off this week back at the scene of the crime. There’s a chalked out figure at the bottom of Eileen’s marble stairs in the Haunted Mansion. Just kidding, Kyle peeled herself off of the floor, leaving a residue of spray tan and popped back in for round 2 with Brandi. The limp slice of pizza stays stuck to the ground and it seems to be Kim’s main concern. Before asking about Kyle, Kim urgently inquires, “Where’s my pizza?” Brandi barks that she threw it on the ground and seriously what a waste of a good slice. These bitches have a full time housekeeping staff I think it’s safe to say they have floors you could eat off of. But anyway, I’m getting hangry and off topic.

Kyle is in hysterics and keeps demanding to talk to her sister, telling Brandi to see herself out because she’s certainly not family and also she hurt Kyle’s finger beyond repair. The scuffle pours out into the driveway and our moderator of the evening who couldn’t hack it at his job, Vincent, peers out from the garage window and his expression looks like he’s seen the front lines of a battle. There’s bloodshed everywhere—Brandi has Kyle pinned against the garage showing her ghetto side and Vincent may never recover from what he saw. Pills babbles on about how her BFF is in a WWF Smackdown with her sister and she’s suuuuper conflicted. Kyle gives up and storms off… to sit in the driveway in a limo, waiting for a carpool buddy. Rinna takes one for the team and hops in with Kyle. The whole way home Rinna tells Kyle that she thinks Boozy & Pills are a couple of addicts and need to get to rehab, stat. I’m no expert but I’m gonna bet that this single clip comes back to bite Rinna in those juicy lips at the reunion.

Eileen dissects the worst party ever that ended in severe injuries (an owie finger and an arm scratch) with Vincent the magenta crayon. Eileen rationalizes sisters getting in scraps when they’re younger but when they’re grown ass women it’s just unacceptable. Vincent the naïve little doe goes “Can’t we all just get along?” As he has murderous PTSD flashbacks of Kyle restrained at the garage and Kim screeching like a banshee. No, baby Vincent, we cannot all get along; otherwise the entire Bravo network would cease to exist.

Back in the BH, our fair icy Queen has returned from vacay to the land of poker night fist fights and sits upon a throne surrounded by her toy dogs awaiting the arrival of Rumpy. (Who is no longer a little fluffy puppy.) Apparently they sent him away for several months because he wouldn’t stop eating Lisa’s custom-made pastel silk shirts. Rumpy comes back with a girlfriend, Avery, who Lisa points out several times is fat as shit. This dog will be on a diet within the week but damnit does all this puppy playtime put a smile on my face. Lisa essentially runs a kennel now and fingers crossed some of her little fur-less yippers that create nightmares for me are edged out of the estate by Rumpy and GF, Hunger Games style.

Later on, the girls all get ready for Rinna’s charity jewelry party. It’s important to Rinna that it be the best party ever otherwise she’ll feel like a complete garbage can failure at life. Eileen goes over to Lisa’s estate and must get past the guard swans to get in. She passes the test without mutilation by a creature named Hanky and they dissect the boozy/pills rumble together and look at Lisa’s closet. Eileen asks if Lisa ever struts around naked with heels in her massive closet and Lisa’s like but of course, so Eileen offers her knucks. Lisa has no clue what that is, probably because it was a phrase used in 2001. Eileen is totally the chick who still calls stuff “bitchin”.

Kyle talks to Mauricio in depth about Kim being in the hospital and knows absolutely nothing about what is wrong with her or why she’s there. So GO FIND OUT KYLE, GAWD YOU’RE SO USELESS. Instead she gets ready for the jewelry party. Yo comes over wearing jean capris and a tube top with matching cardigan tied around her neck. She is literally the picture of casual perfection while Kyle does her hair like it’s the Oscars and has a tight club dress on. It’s a jewelry party, Kyle, T it down. Yo hears the story from the night before and is shocked to hear that grown women with children are getting into a physical fight. I’m guessing that Yo is not a fan of Mob Wives.

It’s Lia Sophia/Silpada/Stella & Dot Party Time!!!! Denise Richards is at the party, I’m assuming to audition for next season’s cast (a replacement for Eileen obv). She chats with Lisa because they both have dogs and Lisa brings up Charlie Sheen. Sheen and Lisa’s cars both got stolen at the same time and driven off a cliff. Cool story, Lisa.

Yo takes B aside and tells her maybe she should stop getting slob kebab drunk at every party and there won’t be brawls. Brandi says she can do whatever the fahk she wants. Eileen follows Yo in this lecturefest and tells B that she was offended by the comments Brandi made about her house being similar to the attic of Beetlejuice and also her incessant cursing. Brandi half-asses an apology, not looking Eileen in her eyes and bounces outta there right quick. These two really have a blossoming friendship.

Kyle talks about her upcoming party for the gays, because in Hollywood every event is solely for each lady to hawk their NEXT event. Kyle pretends to be cheeky and says on the invite, “bring your tops and bottoms–and I don’t mean your bikinis.” Rinna quite literally has no idea what this means. She tries to work it out and still hasn’t caught on to the dirty joke. It’s real embarrassing and such a Yolanda thing to do. Rinna feels as though she’s let down her gays, which she obviously has by not understanding a simple sex joke. (Can you tell this was an uneventful episode after the hoedown throwdown? Cause it really was.)

The episode ends on a meeting of new allies, Kyle and Lisa grab dinner to scheme about their mutual hate for Brandi. Kyle admits that she doesn’t trust Brandi anymore and feels she deserves an apology. Lisa then uses her powers of mood control to convince Kyle that they’re on the same page with Brandi and a flag is raised for Team Klisa. Good luck B-dawgs, you’re working against a united front now, and the newbies will be swooped up in due time as well. A new battle is coming and I can only hope it’s at a tennis party that Vincent & Eileen throw so that there will be soaring balls involved.

Best Quote of the night: Eileen- “Oh shut up, how about a little Neosporin? Get a grip, I’m going over there.” Eileen giving 0.0 F’s about this world star hip hop video developing in her driveway. Oh her bracelet jabbed you? RUB SOME DIRT IN IT.

Most Humbling Moment of the night: Yo, the woman who has her vitamins delivered to her in an individual baggie by her maid every morning, doesn’t know how to work Face Time and it’s adorbsies.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- A Date Made for Bimbos, A Show Made For Bimbos

This week on Keeping up with the Kardashians, err sorry; Cinderella crossover event, shit I mean, The Bachelor…KardASHLEY steals the show as a one-woman crying princess virgin and we are forced to watch a bunch of previews of the new Cinderella movie.

Group Date #1-Natty Ice on the Lake

The first group date is described with “Lets do what feels natural,” so obviously KardASHLEY fixes her weave and puts on a crop top that shows her fake D cups underboob style, you know, just really natural. Chris brings the girls to a lake. I know this because Chris says, “Well obviously we’re at a lake,” as he squints at the ladies and tries to remember how it is he got there.

Kardashley wants to find a way to break out of her shyness so she sheds her cut-off jean shorts that are getting lost in her lady bits, strips her Americana bikini top off and jumps in, Kaitlyn quickly follows suit (pun intended) by dropping her bottoms and showing everyone her buhhole. Kelsey is over this date and wants to stab her eyes out…hey Kelsey, try watching this show every week for two hours. ZING. Kelsey loves Lake Michigan and not trashy lakes with skinny dippin hoes.

The surprise of the day comes when Chris announces, WE’RE CAMPING, GUYS AND ALL YOU HAVE WITH YOU ARE YOUR SKIMPY BIKINIS. (Just kidding, production gives them a change of clothes and what a shame that is.) They all gather round the campfire and sing kumbaya. If kumbaya means passing around a bottle of fireball and talking shit about whoever has “stolen” Chris for a minute. Kelsey puts on a front for Chris and everyone plots to drag her tent into the lake in the middle of the night for her to ironically drown amidst the dirty water. Chris dresses up like a bear and shakes the tents. (StEEEVEEENNNN) I mean, Chris puts an avengers mask on and screams and all the girls are like, “Oh, hey, Chris.

Our resident LoonyToon OP goes on another tangent, as she’s known to do when the moon is full and she’s outdoors. She whispers worldly questions like, “What are you?” and then reveals it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters in OP’s world, except her prescription meds. The girls try to save Chris from OP using his skin as a blanket to keep warm in her tent. Kardashley only wore a bikini but miraculously has 3 different lipsticks she keeps applying. They make out (KardASHLEY still kisses like a virgin) and she tells Chris she has a crush on him and always feels like she has a unibrow around him, instead of perfectly painted on brows. Chris sleeps with his tent open so that someone can come in and accidentally fall onto his dick. Since Chris is dead asleep, Kardashley feels it’s a good time to tell him she’s pure and wife material. These girls have such a sense of timing. Chris is a moron and doesn’t understand that Ashley still has a hymen but pretends to anyway. Oh and Kaitlyn gets a rose.

Sister Wives

Back at the ranch, Chris’s sisters arrive to interview the ladies and review their resumes full of extracurriculars and no actual work experience to pick the right date for their brother. Jillian wastes no time introducing these three Iowa-bred ladies to what a black bar censor is for. When asked what she does, Jade replies, “I model for like a website for clothing.” Is that what they’re calling porn these days, Jade? You learn something new every day. Carly cries and says men aren’t nice to her or something. Jade must’ve won them over with her career choices and gets a date fit for a princess.

Kardashley is the biggest jelly belly in America that Jade won and gives a solid campaign as to why she’s actually a princess. Cause people call her one, duh. A lady with fluffy pink hair and Edna’s glasses from the Incredibles charges into the house and shouts JADEEEE in an ear-shattering voice. She has come to make Jade into Cinderella obviously. Today’s Cinderella wears Loubs and diamond earrings and Jade gets to keep it all in addition to a glass full of Kardashley’s tears to quench her princess thirst. Jade wears a paisley dress, over the top diamond strands and braided bun to the ball and she honestly looked better in her bikini and stilettos last week. There’s a lot of not so sly cross-promotion of the new Cinderella movie.

Jade’s Royal Ball

Chris practices his ballroom dancing by himself like a tool while also tearing up that he’s a prince. Bro, dreaming about fairytales is for chicks, grow a pair. The conversation flows nicely. Chris asks, “What do you do here?” and Jade replies, “I was engaged once before.” Nailed it. Jade & Chris nod like bobbleheads at every word each other says. The weatherman of Boston cuts in just in the nick of time to make sure I don’t have to listen to Chris make a rose speech tonight. I’m assuming Jade gets it cause then they’re dancing. HEY WE GET IT, CINDERELLA IS COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU. Jade has a hard time separating reality from a film…we’re dancing and they’re dancing and we’re all together dancing, she muses like a organic makeup creating philosopher. A midnight curfew stops Jade from getting porked right there in her ball gown.

Meanwhile, Kardashley can’t let it the F go that she didn’t get a princess date. She eats corn by herself in her princess dress and a full face of makeup. What goes better with corn than champagne? Kardashley is the limp rose that needs more water.

Group Date #2-None of These Women Should be Wearing White

They all get tacky wedding dresses and go to San Francisco. Jillian looks like a pig wearing lipstick and wedge sneakers. The gals are doing a “muckfest” for MS, so like it’s not for our entertainment, it’s for charity. Jillian takes a dump on everyone else in the competition and most of them quit after they hit the mud for the first time. Carly asks a valid question when she wonders if Jillian’s dick is bigger than Chris’s. I for one hope we never find out. Chris lifts Jillian after she wins and I was floored that she didn’t lift him first.

Jillian’s Skyline Yapfest

Jillian & Chris enjoy a romantic evening together. By the looks of Chris’s face when Jillian is talking, he is holding in several farts. Chris can’t comprehend her muscle talk so he thinks about unicorns and stuff. Side note: ARE WE SURE CHRIS IS STRAIGHT? DID WE CHECK ON THAT? (Flashback to Chris revealing he’s touchy feely earlier and crying over being a prince…) Anyway, Jillian is still motor mouthing about her dad/her muscles and doesn’t know how a “would you rather” works and gives Chris a really shitty one about homeless people sex and Chris in turn doesn’t give her a rose. Learn a better Would You Rather, Jillian. I’ve got one- Would you rather have scissors for hands or rollerblades for feet. Boom, roasted. I get the rose.

Social

Helmet Megan blindfolds Chris 50 shades style and brings out a tray of food. She doesn’t know what any of the 5 senses are, Chris makes out with her anyway. Kardashley is still yapping about her virginity. She tells Chris because he didn’t know what the F she was talking about in the tent. He’s all wow, no one would ever guess that because you dress like that and made me rub your magic lamp belly ring. He licks his lips in anticipation of deflowering her in the fantasy suite. KardASHLEY cries about it anyway. Becca is also a virgin except she didn’t plaster it on a billboard on the 405 and shed tears over it. For that only, I want to chest bump Becca. Do you, girl.

Britt calls Chris out for rewarding Kaitlyn’s T&A with a rose. Chris babbles and stammers much like he does any time someone asks him a real question and then storms off like a teenage girl. All Chris really needed to do was ask Britt why her body is always wrapped around another girl in the house. It’s starting to get weird. But instead…“If any of you think I’m not here to meet my wife, you can SEE YOURSELF OUT,”-dramatic, emo Chris declares to the biddies before the Rose ceremony.

Roses: Kaitlyn, Jade, Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Kardashley, Britt

It’s the end of an era of bat-shit crazy as OP darts out of the house and declares that she feels nothing. That’s exactly what I feared. She swipes an onion pomegranate for the road, and old times sake. We also bid farewell to Juelia and I will never ever miss typing out my name with an extra vowel. Good riddance Extra E.

Best Quotes-

“I like really love you-I hope that resonates with your mind tonight.”-OP hallucinating on horse tranquilizers and declaring jungle love for Chris.

“He can probe at that area later on if he wants”-Ashley describing her chat with Chris in the tent OR describing how she wishes to lose her virginity?

“I want him to be like my grandpa”-Carly about wanting to give Chris sponge baths and wash his dentures.

“I had balls swinging at my face and one of them knocked into me.”-Becca, the OTHER virgin, who’s afraid of ballz

Go forth my bachelorites and never forget the necklace in any of your future endeavors.

Red Carpet, Television

SAG Awards Red Carpet & Recap

Another Sunday and another large glass that has suspiciously filled itself with wine has come and passed. I honestly don’t even remember if I’ve ever watched the SAG Awards before but I can pretty much assure everyone that I never want to watch them again. I punished myself beforehand by watching 2 hours of the E! Red Carpet–mostly for the mani cam (amirite?!) and had to put up with a whole lot of Maria Menunous being awkward and telling people “I Love It,” when she wanted to prove she wasn’t listening to anything they said. Ross Matthews made a lot of jokes that the celebs didn’t laugh at and Kelly Osbourne kept trying to bring the conversation back to Keira Knightley’s dress on more than one occasion. Here are the best and worst looks of the night…

Worst Dressed:

I don’t even know who this is but she will forever be known as the SAG Salsa Dancer.

Amanda Peet, I don’t know what’s going on with the black accents and the diamond poof in the middle but I don’t like it.

This polka-dotted spaghetti strap combo is from an MK&A movie. I’m split though because Andy Samberg is PULLING those frames OFF.

Not digging this dress that looks like a vest on Anna Chlumsky

I don’t care that you’re 17 now Ariel Winter, for pete’s sake put the boobs away for a hot second.

GUYS IT’S ANDREA FROM 90210 aaand she looks rough.

No Jen, no. This is a curtain.

LOVE the color, HATE the chunky waist/bottom.

Oh Lo, why didn’t you clear your dress by LC? The cleave, the slicked hair, the flesh colored dress. Bai.

Mags must’ve been reading my blog and stepped up her frumpy aunt game, selecting a skin hugging white number for tonight. Well, joke’s on you Maggie cause I still don’t love it. I like where your head’s at though, keep working on it. I’ll check back on your progress at the Oscars.

Bridesmaid dress for a Valentine’s Day wedding.

Meryl…dress like you own Hollywood because we all know you do. She looks like she’s 900 attending her own funeral in this outfit.

Off the shoulder+Fur trim on Naomi=tack city

Do I want to take a nap in this because it looks really cushiony? Yes, yes I do. Do I think it looks good? Hard no.

This is a step up from her actual GLAD black garbage bag from the Globes but it’s still supes unflattering and a terrible color.

I like everything about this dress except for the halter neck that reminds me of a bathing suit.

I cannot with Keira this awards season. Everything she wears makes me wonder who allowed her to do so. The color is fab city, but this literally looks like someone wrapped her in scraps from Joann Fabrics and pinned it in the back. Girl has one chance left to redeem herself.

Best Dressed:

Lupy was originally on my worst dressed list, then I went to write something about this dress and realized it had grown on me in like a matter of 20 minutes. She wears it well. Good work Lupdawgs.

Sofia doesn’t stray from the “I have the body of a bombshell and I’m going to throw it in everyone’s face”. Respect.

People are already jumping on Amy’s shit for being pregnant, so like if you’re wondering why Hollywood women don’t eat I can pinpoint the reason why.

Claire Danes wearing the army green and going for something different. I can dig it.

YES Emma Stone making the Tuxedo jacket as a dress look cool, why you ask? Because it has a train and isn’t just her throwing on Andrew’s suit coat with a pair of heels and calling it a day.

This is very princess mystical. (This is me trying to use different words.) Also fun fact: it’s a two piecer.

Felicity Jones in a soft pink looking elegant AF.

Men only make the best dressed if they wear something other than a typical black tuxedo. Props to Jesse.

Julia killin the sexy lace vibe.

I don’t think I love this but I also don’t think I can call it a worst dressed, so you snuck this pantsuit right onto my best dressed list Julezzz.

Great color and super flattering dress, hair is on point too.

Simple yet whimsical for Julie Bowen.

Love the dress…still hate the hair.

I’m a sucker for a good animal print. What can I say.

Maisie crushing it in the red floral dress. Might sneaky be my fave dress of the night.

It pains me to put Maria on the best dressed after listening to her TERRIBLE red carpet interview style, but I like this dress and I’m being the bigger person.

YAS.

Michael Keaton is looking sleek, man! Are those velvet loafers?!

Rashida coming in hot with the baby blue floral number.

Reese is chic’ing all the awards shows so hard this season.

Another fave of the night for me, Sarah Hyland never seems to disappoint.

My gurl Sophia Bush will never end up on a worst dressed list of mine, she could wear a paper bag and make it look good.

Uzo wearing this textured bright yellow was different and it really grew on me. She’s rockin it.

RECAP:

Normally I would do a separate recap of the actual awards show but in this case I can pretty much sum it up in a few sentences. There’s not even a host so instead the awards open with a man announcing people on the red carpet searching for new ways to say they look stunning with quick camera movements to the soundtrack of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Then a few actors talk directly to the camera and tell awkward back stories about their lives, introducing themselves as actors as if we didn’t already know who they are. Glad we sparked things off with the uncomfies, and the awards continue on being stiff and weird.

A fake applause cue mistakenly goes off while Reese is presenting an award and now we all know that no one could be bothered to clap for each other. William H. Macy won something and referred to wife Felicity Huffman as “Flicka”, like the horse. Jared Leto and Lupito Nyong’o present together and Jared spends his time onstage undressing Lupita with his eyes and forcing her to look to the audience for help more than once. Carrie Fisher presents her mother Debbie Reynolds with the lifetime award and gives a nice, long-winded, confusing ancestry.com background just to tell us Debbie is indeed her mom. Also she breathed real hard into the mic. Random observation: SO MANY GLASSES.

Naomi Watts tripped over her own dress at the end of the night and squealed into the mic. Skinny, ponytail-wearing Zach Galifianakis won the night with the only joke when he was pushed up to the mic by his Birdman cast and simply said, “When I was on As the World Turns…” mocking Julianne Moore seriously saying that same sentence moments earlier in her acceptance speech. In the final moment, the actress in Birdman that I don’t even know tried to speak into the mic after the music had already begun and the camera was panning out. The music was cut short, the camera moved back in on her and she gave a generic thank you that essentially reiterated exactly what everyone else said. That single moment can sum up this entire awards ceremony.

Television

TBT- Lizzie McGuire

Hey guys remember Miranda Sanchez from Lizzie McGuire AKA Lalaine (one name only)? No you dont? Well she wants you to remember her and she also wanted to let everyone know that she’s still friends with Lizzie’s creepy little brother Matt and #1 crush Ethan Craft. That’s why she posted this pic of them all hanging out for the first time in ten years to Twitter & Insta the other day cause they’re a #famBAM, duh.

After some careful research I found that Ethan Craft (Clayton Snyder) is still a smokeshow with great hair and apparently he still has a sense of humor about his claim to fame too:

Unfortunately he no longer acts- he’s a water polo player whose real into tweeting about God.

Our days with Lizzie McGuire teaching us how uncool girls talk to an imaginary cartoon of themselves may be long gone but we still have the memories. I’d like to thank Lalaine for clawing her way back into my peripheral vision for a mere moment, prompting me to google Lizzie Mcguire and find that the internet is a TREASURE TROVE of Lizzie gifs and pictures. Obviously I have to share them all with you…so here are all of the best moments of Lizzie – TV show only, the movie deserves (and probably will get) it’s own blog.

Please press play on this song while you read so that you can truly feel like it’s still 2001. (Also watch in full for killer outfits and a falling montage.)

“Life goes by-Who knows why” -Whoa. That’s deep, grl

1. Between a Rock and a Bra Place. Lizzie and Miranda decide that in order to be popular and cool, they NEED a bra. I understand this logic completely because I too begged for a bra except I wasn’t 13, I was like 10. I finally got a nice neon green shelf/sports bra (two adjustable straps) from Limited Too and rather than wear it under my shirt like most (all) girls should do with bras, I felt that I didn’t actually own a bra until I wore it loud and proud for everyone to witness. That unfortunately meant that for the entire summer following my bra purchase, I wore it as a top under overall jean shorts or sticking out of spaghetti strap tank tops. I pray that my mother didn’t document anything for that three months because it was shameful. But since Lizzie and Miranda deemed it cool, I feel like it’s okay to confess this story to you all. Anyway, Lizzie and Miranda were too scared to tell Mrs. McGuire that they wanted a bra so they made up some phony story to get a ride to the mall and then she caught them red handed checking out white lacy triangle top no padding bras and the jig was up.

Best Quote: “I WANT A BRA!”- This wouldn’t have been that embarrassing to shout if Gordo wasn’t there and instead of laughing it off, he got all the uncomfies because he probably didn’t know what a bra was, or boobs.

2. Bad Girl McGuire. Lizzie gets shuffled in with a bad bitch named Angel (nice one) teasing her and disrupting class and is sent to detention where she decides that she absolutely needs to have tats and piercings to fit in or else she’ll get noogie’d or something. This creates a Lizzie we’ve never seen before who gets into hard drugs and ends up living on the street. Just kidding, she adds colored hair extensions and fake piercings from Claires and calls it a day. Since the only times I was ever sent to detention was for being late to class three times in middle school (my detention=sitting in the principal’s office for lunch) and texting on my cell phone during my high school free period (no…seriously) I also thought that I was going to die if I had to stay in school past 4pm. I guess my gurl Lizzie and I just weren’t meant to be rebels who play it fast and loose.

Best Quote: “Take a chill pill, parents” The SASS, the eyeroll, the use of the phrase CHILL PILL.

Seriously could this fake hair be any worse?

3. First Kiss. Lizzie begins an adorable romance with Ronnie the paper boy (total sonic the hedgehog hair hottie) and they hold hands and roller skate and he gives her her first kiss and a ring that says they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. A RING. Times have reeeallllyyy changed.

Anyway that ring pretty much was equivalent to dog shit in Ronnie’s mind because suddenly he likes another girl and he tells Lizzie about his wandering eye and they break up all in the course of like a week. Gordo who was a raging jelly belly while they were dating, and watched them kiss with a gaping mouth and tears streaming down his face suddenly becomes Lizzie’s shoulder to cry on awwwwwwwwwwwww and he’s still in the friend zone. Duhs.

Best Quote (s):

“And she probably wears bedazzled barrettes with crimped hair better than me…”

4. In Miranda Lizzie Does Not Trust/Inner Beauty. I clumped two Miranda episodes together to make a point–Miranda was the dud of the group who only got attention when she had supes dramatic issues. She was so boring that the Disney Channel sent her to Mexico to visit her grandma while Lizzie, Gordo and even the most minor characters all went to Rome in a feature film. YIKES MIRANDA, sucks to SUCK. Anyway in the first episode that made this blurb, Miranda sticky fingers Sanchez knocks over a lipstick display in the department store and then the security guard finds one in her purse. Miranda’s all whoopsie it was a mistake and Lizzie is all, well you stole extra sugar the other day at the coffee shop or something so you’re probably into grand theft auto. THROW HER IN THE SLAMMER. They get in a fight because Lizzie didn’t have Miranda’s back but like, don’t be a klepto Miranda. Tough stuff, lesson learned. The second episode “Inner Beauty” is where Miranda develops an eating disorder for five minutes because Gordo points out that she eats a lot of snacks. Hey Gordo, all chicks eat a lot of snacks. IT’S HOW WE BREAK UP OUR DAY. Anyway she skips lunch and then faints and then Lizzie and Gordo tell her that she’s a beautiful princess model and she’s like k joke’s over let’s start eating again. Hey Miranda, you may have wacky hair and loud pants but you’re not fooling anyone, you’re a melvin who creates unnecessary drama.

Best Quote: “And uh Ethan Craft uh spotted a cloud he thought looked like a donkey and ran face first into a beehive.” I found this online while looking up the episode quotes and laughed out loud. It’s good to know a show for thirteen year olds still genuinely entertains me.

Don’t arrest me, I’m PATRIOTIC. See?!?!

5. Aaron Carter’s Coming to Town. Saved the best for last obviously. The gang hears that AC is coming to shoot a music video in their town so they scheme up a plan to crash his apparently very low level security studio and meet him/be in the music video. Aaron macks all up on Lizzie under the mistletoe and since he feels bad leaving Lizzie’s lame friends out they all get to be in the music video as fly girls and Gordo stands in the corner sketchily filming the video on his personal camera for later…It’s a liiiitttle creepy that Gordo was always lurking with a video camera, no? The best part is that we get pieces of a real life CHEEEZETASTIC music video out of it (and apparently a romance between Hil and Aaron that continues today…one-sided.) Enjoy.

Best Quote: “Aaron Carter walked on this ground! I’m never wearing these shoes again!”-Miranda…act cool for ONCE.

“Hey Justin, It’s Aaron. I can’t come tonight I’m going to see a girl. HER NAME IS CANDY… and I’ve paid for her time.”

*Bonus Moment: Bye Bye Hillridge Junior High. The last episode that I really remember was when they were about to move on to high school. Woooooffff I’m old. This is when the sexual tension between Gordo and Lizzie is out of control. He wants to write a love letter in her yearbook and she’s set on writing “You rock, don’t ever change” in everyone’s yearbooks and I’ve never loved anything harder. It’s SO much more mature than “Hope your summer’s like toilet paper, long and useful.” or just “HAGS”. Puke. Anyway the episode ends with the 8th grade photo and Lizzie lays one right on Gordo(‘s cheek, c’mon guys it’s Disney) and he has a shit eating grin for the picture. They promise each other that they will always rock and never ever change and it’s so cute that we almost forget that Gordo stays her friend for like an eternity until an Italian pop star tries to embarrass Lizzie–To Be Continued.

Best Quote: “Don’t worry. I’ve got your back, McGuire.”-Gordo ❤

You’ll notice that no where in the best moments of Lizzie did I mention this little cartoon sassmonster

Because it was probably the WORST part of the show. Every time she appeared in her platform flip flops, jean capris and crop top with artfully drawn-in baby boobs I rushed to cover my eyes and ears. Dear Cartoon Lizzie, you’re not funny and you look weird. Boom Roasted.

Also notably missing: Ethan Craft. I found that I didn’t remember him ever being a central part of a story line other than when he was talking about his hair. So here’s your obligatory Ethan quote:

And there you have it, through the highs and the lows Lizzie still managed to be the coolest unpopular girl you will ever meet.

Errrr, or something like that. You rock girl–don’t eva change.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

Oh, the State of the Union Address from our president was on last night? Well you know what, knowing about world issues is for squares because instead of being informed of news and politics, I was enlightened on how middle aged women groom their bikini areas, or don’t groom—I’m lookin at you, Rinna. Same difference, really.

Kyle organizes a spa day in Santa Barbara to get away from the stress of taking her kid to college and being on family vacation. I fully expect Kyle to start singing “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey as she recounts to Eileen how she dropped off Alexia and now half of her is missing. The gals take a windowless rape van to spa day and talk about their pubic hair en route. Insert Kim’s terrible joke about Harry liking it Hairy. Oh, KIM. Brandi assumes that Lisa doesn’t do her own bikini trimming, she makes Rosia do it. And you know what? She’s probably right.

“I’m a pamper whore,” Rinna confesses before she laughs like a cartoon character and I’ve finally figured out that she IS Kristen Wiig’s parody of Kathie Lee Gifford with less wine. That’s been bothering me for weeks and I’m glad I finally made the connection. Thanks for helping me work through that, guys. Anyway they manage to all get massages without fighting and only a few anal jokes from Brandi and they’re off to a wine tasting that Kyle thought was just a wine pairing, not a tasting (what’s the difference?) and now feels terrible that Kim has to watch everyone “taste” five glasses of wine and not be allowed to stick a straw in Brandi’s nearly empty glass for a quick sippy. Kim takes this time to reassure everyone she’s fine while simultaneously making a bunch of wine jokes like this is her own personal shitty reformed alcoholic comedy show. I assume this is the punishment these girls must face for drinking in front of her. On the rape van ride back, the girls divulge their secret fantasies. Kyle reveals that she wants to be a stripper professionally and the limo screeches to a halt, Brandi’s fake boob is dislodged, Rinna’s face hits the window, slides down the glass and still doesn’t move a muscle and Lisa shouts in the most surprised tone she could muster, “YOU WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION, KYLE.” Did that really happen? Probably not, but it was really brave of Kyle to share that secret need for people’s eyes on her anyway. Brandi is feeling the courage being passed around so she includes her fantasy of catching her guy banging someone else from behind and suddenly the safe space has closed up and there’s a padlock on the door because everyone looks at her with disgust and tells her she’s a pervert. This basically sums up how all teenage slumber parties go. It’s all fun and games until someone reveals a little too much, then you’re sitting in the lunchroom alone.

Eileen is hosting a poker night because these women can only throw parties that cater to their husband’s talents/interests…(i.e. sing along dinner parties at the Foster home.) For those of you that have forgotten, Eileen’s husband Vincent hosts the world poker tournament or something. Miss Ice “My Maid Gives Me A Bikini Wax” Queen is conveniently on vacation and can’t make the tournament. For anyone whose still not keeping track, Lisa plans things so that she doesn’t have to lower herself to show up to these commoner events. I for one am thankful, because we don’t have to see Brandi and Lisa interact any more than a little pube talk from earlier.

Vincent is dressed in a vibrant magenta button down shirt and will be the moderator of the evening, and I don’t think he’s been to enough drunk tank parties with these ladies to realize just how serious his job will be. He’ll learn soon enough.

The ladies pair off to carpool so that I have more material for my recap, which was truly generous of them. Kim rides in with Rinna and immediately everyone on this planet knows she’s on something because Kim does not hide sloppiness well. Rinna asks her how she is and she just keeps repeating/slurring the word “Ornery”. Full disclosure, because I feel like this is a safe space and we’re all friends, I had to look that word up. Believe me, no one is more disappointed in me than myself that Kim Richards has a better vocabulary than me. Thank God they added closed caption for her incoherent chatter or I wouldn’t even be able to spell it. For the record, if anyone is asking for a friend what it means, it’s defined as ugly and unpleasant disposition/temper or in laymen’s terms: how Kim is acting for the entire evening. But anyway let’s not skip ahead just yet. I didn’t think any limo ride could get worse than the group “you tell your secret if I tell a secret” from earlier but boy it did. Kim talks about how lonely she’s feeling now that her dying ex-husband Monty disappeared (probably to go to Vegas) and no one should feel bad for him, everyone should feel bad for her. Number one lesson in taking care of a sick person. All the sympathy should be with the caregiver, obv. Kim then decides she should maybe start acting again and chooses that very moment to start practicing for the role of drugged out murderous bitch. She nails the part if we’re being honest, glaring at Rinna and calling her disgusting over and over and then telling her to F off. At one point Rinna almost breaks a window and tucks her elbows in to roll out of the moving vehicle like she’s escaping abduction. But alas, they arrive at Eileen’s warm and welcoming American Psycho meets Antique Roadshow home.

The tourney begins and I applaud the producers for suddenly turning a bunch of ladies wearing designer dresses to a game night into cigar smoking bad bitches ready to throw down. Vincent deserves all of the awards in the world for his efforts to teach a bunch of drunk idiots the game of poker. What he quickly learns is that they all have great poker faces because Botox. At the stroke of first call, Brandi rears her ugly alter ego of Boozy Brandi and starts calling all the actresses dumb because they suck at poker and don’t understand what’s going on. Kim peels her head off the table long enough to secure a win and suddenly she’s filled with the youthful energy of Brandi’s last bang buddy. Kim celebrates her and Brandi’s win by doing laps around the house, throwing streamers and setting off fireworks then looks at Kyle and SNEERS, “you jealous we won?” This should’ve been the point where the producers intervened and put baby Kimmy to bed, but obviously the show must go on so that we can watch this train wreck with horror and never look away. Vincent continues to talk to the ladies like he’s reading a storybook to a bunch of restless kindergarteners at the library and they continue to snarl at each other. Brandi then wins the whole tournament and her acceptance speech consists of “I’m the only non-actress here and you’re all stupid.” Mic drop. (Or in this case, award drop).

At the climax of this very realistic portrayal of what I imagine the Real Housewives of Vegas would look like, if it existed, Kyle and Kim go into the bathroom and Kim finally spills the beans, or the pills, that Dr. Monty apparently administered to her for some pain she’s been having. Apparently even on his deathbed Monty can still be an enabler and write a few prescriptions for his recovering addict of an ex-wife. Kim then gets a little sense that maybe she should kick rocks because this poker party is turning into an after school special and Brandi offers to walk her out. Boozy Brandi tells Kim she knows EXACTLY what she’s going through and then latches her talons into Kim’s arm and says that she’ll walk Kim around like a mannequin to say goodbye to everyone so she doesn’t cause any more trouble. At this point I’m having a hard time figuring out whom this tactic is protecting more…Boozy or Pills? Regardless, Kyle tries to get through the human shield that is Boozy so she can talk to Pills and Kyle gets a little too pushy which sets off Boozy who lays a haymaker on Kyle and basically throws her down Eileen’s antique stairs. WILL KYLE SURVIVE THE FALL? Find out next week on an all-new Street Fighters of Beverly Hills. Tough stuff, lesson learned. What’s the lesson to take away, you ask? Don’t call actresses dumb.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- The One Where Jimmy Kimmel Makes it Watchable

*DISCLAIMER: I’d like to apologize for spelling Kaitlyn’s name wrong for my last recap and possibly the one before that. I’m far to concerned with remembering the extraneous E in Julia to focus on Kaitlyn but I lost some sleep over it so it’s RIGHT now.

The episode begins with Jimmy Kimmel being Chris’s wakeup call and although the room is dark we have a single spotlight shining on his six pack as he arises from bed and his sheets artfully cover his morning wood because he was obviously awoken from a dream about rubbing KardASHLEY’s magic lamp.

Jimmy surprises the girls who he refers to as the sister wives, and it becomes clear that I will have a partner in poking fun of these dum dums because Jimmy is taking over this episode and no one is safe from his sarcasm. He also introduces the “Amazing” jar for whoever slips and says it. (Read: Everyone.)

Kaitlyn Date

Kaitlyn wins the first date with Chris and is promised hor d’oeuvres, high ceilings and an amazing view. They’re taken to Costco and Chris is dressed for a salsa dancing class in a purple button down with the top 4 buttons undone so this is a nice twist. Kaitlyn is dressed like Khloe Kardashian with a flannel tied around her waist (did she clear this outfit by KardASHLEY?) They’re shocked that their date is to go grocery shopping like REGULAR couples do. Ugh. So they roll down the aisles of Costco in an inflatable hamster wheel that I’ve decided I NEED. I also will need some children to push me around in it like Chris and Kaitlyn had, child labor on TV style. They make out in the hamster ball, obv. Kids—shield your eyes. Then these two little hamsters get some food and folding tables fit for a trailer park BBQ to make Jimmy dinner. Once they return to Chris’s house they get cooking. By cooking, I mean Chris does all the work and Kaitlyn pours the whiskey. Live look into the teamwork that this relationship is/will be. While swigging their bourbon and cuddling, the two discover that Chris has a little bitch laugh and Kaitlyn has a man’s laugh. In related news, I’ve decided that I hate Chris’s laugh and I hear it WAY too much because he laughs when he’s uncomfortable, usually after he’s made out with someone. And I think we ALL know how often he’s been in that position. Speaking of, Jimmy shows up while Chris and Kaitlyn are feasting on each other’s faces. During dinner, Jimmy asks the hard hitting questions that we’ve all been wondering, like how will you feel when you find out that Chris has taken several ladies to Penetration Land aka the Fantasy Suite. Kaitlyn earns a rose by saying that she won’t mind because you have to test drive the car before you buy it. Kaitlyn is diving HARD for the I’m a bro and love casual sex award, we’ll see if this pays off in the end.

Group Date

The theme of our first group date of the night is working on a farm, Napoleon Dynamite, Jimmy Kimmel style. Jillian, the walking black box censor, kicks off the competition with a serious case of ‘roid rage on some undeserving ears of corn. Since her ass is perpetually on display, the goat Jillian tries to milk next is too afraid of how hairy it is and won’t produce any milk for her. Carly the cruise ship singer on the other hand, gets her some goats milk STAT and tells us that she’s lactose intolerant right before she chugs it. YEEHAWWW get this girl a diaper QUICK. Jillian finally wrangles her goat and is hot on Carly’s tail so she decides to jump the pig fence to get ahead and of course they show this jump in slow motion and it’s just as glorious as when Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez laced up his new PF Flyers and jumped the Beast’s fence, except with a lot more ass crack. Our girl Carly wrangles a pig first and gets the W and I’m hoping she gets to a bathroom before that warm milk sloshing in her stomach turns into a real shit storm. Before she can, however, Jimmy has Chris pose with her for an American Gothic portrait and Jimmy also has to explain to all the ladies what this famous painting actually is and I’m assuming flash cards are involved.

After the competition, Chris slobbers on a bunch of girls to the ominous and creepy soundtrack of Anastasia or something. Mackenzie, the brightest dental assistant in the group of unemployed and aspiring makeup design technicians, comes right out and asks Chris why he’s kissing everyone else and not just her? Although it’s a valid question to ask why Chris insists on shaking hands with his mouth before he even chats with a girl, Mackenzie, the one who tallies their kisses in a diary, wasn’t exactly the right person to call him out for it. Chris clears his throat a lot in response and doesn’t have a good reason, when really he could’ve just told Mackenzie to go shave her back now and I would’ve been satisfied (or not given her a rose). Becca stands out in the group of hungry Barbies and gives Chris some cheek (not the kind that Jillian is giving) because she doesn’t want to catch the herps that everyone’s swapping around. And he’s like no it’s cool I have to work for it, which obviously means giving her a rose so that he can get to know her tonsils.

Whitney Date

Whitney calls her one on one date with Chris a “formal date”, yet she shows up in a jean vest over a hot pink 8^th grade shelf bra cami from Limited Too with white jeans and a necklace made of pooka shells. Chris has decided to color coordinate and they look like a couple of cotton candies heading to dinner at The Max. Chris tells Whitney he likes people who can make friends and go with the flow, therefore Whitney the try-hard screeches LET’S CRASH THIS WEDDING. Whit breaks the cardinal rule of wedding crashing; don’t wear what the bride is wearing. Oh the bride isn’t also wearing white jeans? Never mind. She changes into a formal gown, thank GOD but their evening wear can’t save them because they do no prep work to coordinate their stories and it’s almost as if the producers are going to go over to the wedding party and ask if they can film it and also have them all sign releases. Regardless, Chris has his panties in a wad that they’ll get arrested. If I could arrest him for how bad he is at making small talk at weddings I would’ve had him thrown in jail to think about what he’s done and replay his awful dad dance moves. Chris really dropped the ball on socializing and Whitney steps into the role of future Mrs. Soules and obviously doesn’t take it too seriously. She gets a rose for being able to hold a conversation with strangers who know you’re crashing their wedding. PS-If you bring a gift, you are officially the LAMEST uninvited wedding guests in America. “Officer, arrest these two for asking to come to my wedding, bringing a camera crew and a set of crystal stemware, THEY ARE DEVIANTS. “

*To be clear–Whitney still has the voice of 1000 Mickey’s being shoved down a garbage disposal so this date felt like it lasted for centuries.*

Pool Party

There was no social before the rose ceremony last night, instead there was a pool party, giving the girls an opportunity to put on a full face of makeup, bikini and stilettos and wet their heads with beach waves hair spray to create the illusion that they actually went swimming.

JuElia sees that Chris is having fun horsing around in the pool so it’s obviously the perfect time for her to take him aside and tell him about her husband who horrifically committed suicide. Side (but important) note: Chris is wearing a leather-braided necklace during this extremely uncomfortable and detailed conversation. They follow up a heavy and terribly depressing topic that should never have been exploited for TV with a super relevant ad from The Bachelor: THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE FAMOUS?! If that doesn’t end in a lawsuit I don’t know what will.

Jade gets a tour of Chris’s house including the bedroom, where they have a steamy make out session on his bed set to 70’s porn music. I’d like to shake hands with the music supervisor for this show. Meanwhile, Jillian lurks in the hot tub waiting to pounce for the sloppy seconds fifteenths. They have a minute together (full of swapping spit) and then the terrible three comprised of KardASHLEY, Mackenzie and Megan (who should think about putting that helmet back on) come and ruin it. KardASHLEY is upset that she did her “Kardashian look” and isn’t getting any attention or rubs to her belly ring region, so she runs off and cries about it. KardASHLEY has become the cheap plastic stemware rolling down the driveway of the entire pool party. She snags Chris finally to laugh/cry to him that she misses him and we all know the formula by now, tears=make outs. When Chris asks KardASHLEY if she’s crying or laughing and she replies both, it hits a little too close to home because I also spend two hours every Monday simultaneously crying and laughing that my life has come to watching girls fight over hot tub minutes.

Roses (in order): Kaitlyn, Becca, Whitney, Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Onion Pomegranate, Nikki, Jillian, KardASHLEY (Last. RECOGNIZE YO PLACE, GIRL…less crying, more laughing.)

Memorable Quotes

“It’s warm and salty. Not things I like in my mouth.”-Does it really matter who said this? The producers/writers of this show are clearly just F-ing with us.

“It kinda like fuels a fire under my butt”-Jade talking about her competition OR Carly after chugging a glass of goat’s milk? You decide.

“You are a man and I am a woman and I just want to take advantage.”– Carly before she makes out with Chris making a SOUND argument for feminism.

“Whatever you do don’t be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches.”-Kimmel summing up everything that makes me cringe about this show. Seriously, Chris, no more rose speeches. Revert to what you know…massaging everyone’s throats with your tongue.

I seriously tried to make this shorter because I understand that I wrote a novel longer than anything these bachelorettes have ever read for last week’s recap. Bear with me, I’m on the learning curve of being a brand new Bach-consumer. I hope that we can learn from this amazing journey together.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Live and Learn”

We clearly got too many dramatic episodes in a row and so this week’s installment was a filler and essentially nothing happened. It was college-themed and we watch as Yo, Kyle and Eileen send off their children to face the trials and tribulations of the freshman fifteen and showering in a dorm. Oh no wait; sorry when you’re rich you don’t have to deal with any of these things. Instead, you get set up in an apartment nicer than any establishment I will ever live in and get a weekly allowance for manicures. Ah to be in college again…

Keeping with the “lets air all of our parenting troubles” theme this week, Lisa dealt with her son Max dropping out of college and trying to be a freeloader. He tells his parents that he’s been driving without insurance or something and they get irrationally angry and tell him that they’re cutting him off until he gets his shit in order.

Brandi’s kids are still very young but she’s already starting to think about their college fund because they probably will never have one since her ex husband Eddie is demanding hundreds of thousands in child support. Apparently he’s not making as much as Brandi and wants a piece of that Housewives/Book/Podcast fortune…. which realistically he probably should get a cut of because she constantly talks shit about him in tell all books and on TV. Brandi just wants Eddie to be happy and start making money again so that he stops sending her spare change to support their kids. Honestly if Eddie watches the show he knows that Brandi ends up homeless every season and he should probs be more concerned for that. ANYWAY… Leanne and Eddie’s new show premieres and Brandi throws a viewing party to “see if her kids are in it.” In Beverly Hills, a viewing party is a gathering of sassy gay hairstylists and recovering alcoholics to say shitty things about your ex-husband’s mistress turned wife turned stepmommy for your kids. They talk about how ugly Leanne is and how Brandi is basically a character in their show based on how much she’s mentioned. Hmm, sounds familiar.

Rinna spends this week talking about how much she loves acting and will take any job she can get. And at this point I’ve typed this out for every week girl’s been on the show. We get it. Offer something else up for story line. She does a bunch of vocal exercises in the car and watching her motorboat those fake lips was nothing short of amazing. Rinna is playing herself in a movie that will literally never be seen and tries to explain how hard it is to play herself with her husband for money. Then she meets with Stella & Dot to host an affordable jewelry party for a bunch of women who wear a multitude of diamonds to their spin class.

Eileen grabs about 20 seconds of screen time as she says farewell to her stepson Duke who just graduated college. The most important takeaway from Eileen’s scene this week is that Duke is a smokeshow, and since he’s close enough to my age, I can get away with saying that. More Duke pls.

Speaking of beautiful people, Bella follows Gigi to NYC and Yo travels with her to get her settled into her high rise penthouse fit for an up and coming model. They talk about the DUI a lot and basically Yo keeps beating herself up and doesn’t want to leave Bella on the other side of the country for fear that she’s going to turn into a real lawbreaking asshole like Justin Bieber (pretty sure they run in the same circles, so it’s not an outrageous notion). Bella reassures her mother by writing an apology letter that is read aloud and there are tears and for juuuust a minute I swear it gets dusty in my room and I shed a tear as well. What can I say, when Yo cries, I cry.

And finally, the devotion of this episode is to Alexia going to college in Arizona and how Kyle is basically on suicide watch at her child leaving her for a few months. This is Alexia’s moment and her first time at college so naturally Kyle makes it all about herself. Kyle brags about having good grades and wanting to be a lawyer but she found acting instead, boohoo. As if listening to Kyle isn’t enough, we’re all forced to take a college tour of the University of Arizona with the whole family. These were painful enough when I had to do them myself and yet we must listen to facts about the weather in Arizona and the bike share program. I’ll keep those in mind should I ever decide to time travel back to being a freshman in college. The family goes to the vacation resort they’ll be staying at for the night and leave Alexia to attend her first sorority rush parties and get settled into her apartment. Obviously Alexia will struggle while away at college because her allowance for food, clothes, partying and getting a mani is a mere $450 a week. I literally have a full time job and don’t make this so that’s comforting. In case you forgot in a matter of 10 minutes, Kyle really wanted to be a lawyer and was smart and stuff…she would’ve been a REALLY good lawyer, guys. Also she wants Alexia to transfer to a school near home like Farrah did and there’s a whole lot of sobbing and finally the goodbyes are finished and it’s time for Kyle to crawl back to Beverly Hills and return to her miserable life because she will never be able to charter a private plane to see her daughter an hour away like EVER AGAIN.

And that concludes this week’s installment of Model/Actress parents who never went to college forcefully living vicariously through their kids’ lives. Next week- a possible physical altercation between Kyle and Brandi? Are we reverting back to game night slut pig calling and crutches stealing? FINGERS CROSSED.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

Remember how we had SUCH a cliffhanger last week when Kimberly the yoga instructor got all emosh and rolled back up to Chris and asked to talk? Well she blubbered out to him that they never got a chance to talk and that’s not how she would like this to end. Obviously all the girls who just received roses were really sympathetic to Kimberly and supportive of her decision to come back in. Just kidding, they talked shit the entire time and made her feel as unwelcome as possible. Chris feels bad because Kimberly is crying a lot and he asks Chris Harrison if it’s kosher to throw her a bone and let her come back for a second chance. Chris Harrison is like yeah the more brunettes that look exactly the same, the better…or something like that. And Kimberly the yoga instructor has effectively clawed her way back into the group.

The girls get their first group date invite and Chris showers outside in their driveway because PLOT TWIST: he lives in their driveway. The first date is a pool party and Chris shows up in a hooded sweatshirt unzipped at the top to show his pecs and I choke back vomit.

They play a healthy game of chicken fight where four girls are forced to team up and it’s clear that Chris hates them, then they parade through Hollywood in their bikinis to get to the “country” part of the date, a tractor race. While the most boring date in America is going down, Megan the makeup artist and Jillian the gym rat who apparently has her asshole hanging out because it’s blurred, sneak into Chris’s house…it’s UNLOCKED. They climb all over his motorcycle and Megan tries on his helmet and then runs around the house smacking her head into shit. I hope for her sake that she was day drinking and this isn’t one of her favorite pastimes.

Kardashian lookalike who is very well aware that she’s a Kardashian lookalike, Ashley wins the tractor race and gets some one on one time to sit in Chris’s lap atop a tractor and probably talk about makeup and selfies. Then Chris returns to the group and delivers his first shocking decision of the night when he picks Mackenzie for a one on one date. The girls justify this irrational decision by saying that Chris is just trying to make everyone feel like they have a fair chance even though they’ve all accepted that Mackenzie is the dud of the group who not coincidentally is also wearing overalls. Mackenzie exemplifies everything you should never do on a first date. First she calls out Chris for having having his ear pierced at one point. SPOT BLOWN UP. Chris lost many cool points for that one. She says she’s super observant of creepy things and now we all know she’s a serial killer. Then she tells Chris he has a big shnozz and that’s apparently her fetish. He’s offended and she pisses her pants because she thinks she’s so funny and backtracks and says it’s “prominent” not “big.” Then she brings up aliens quickly followed by “I haven’t been on a date in a LOOOOOOONG time.” It’s cause she has a son named Kale, she word vomits all onto Chris. He quickly wipes it up, clearly looks uncomfy and tells her he’s not scared of kids and they slow dance and kiss. Also she gets a rose. Mackenzie pulls out a small notepad and tallies all of her kisses with Chris that she later recounts for all the ladies who are wearing harsh fake smiles.

Second One on One Date with Megan the makeup artist.

Megan gets a one on one date with Chris despite the fact that she ran around his house ramming her head into hard surfaces. I have enough faith that if Chris saw that beforehand he would’ve opted out on the date, but that faith was crushed quickly with all of Chris’s poor decisions last night. Megan leaves for their date with her hair done up for the Oscars and an outfit that I definitely wore to an 8th grade dance, a pink wife beater and jeans. She clearly got tired after curling her hair and pulled a shirt out of her PJ drawer. Way to class it up for your future husband, girl. Megan & Chris are treated to a helicopter ride above the desert, the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. Chris took Mackenzie to a local pub and flew Megan across the Grand Canyon and landed for an intimate picnic. Bet Mackenzie’s ripping up her tallied kisses watching Chris dump all over their shitty date with this romantic outing. Megan squeezes Chris’s hand the whole time and I can’t help but be concerned for his circulation. On their picnic, Megan casually tells the story of how her being here happened so fast that slowly dwindled into her telling Chris that her Dad died. Apparently an award-winning storyteller, Megan leaves that part until the end and instead leads on a detail by detail telling of her dad’s whereabouts when he had a heart attack, what machinery the paramedics used on him, what his blood pressure was and what color sheets he had in his hospital room before she finally says that he passed away. Chris pretends to listen intently through all of this and is more likely going through everything he has eaten that day in his mind. He gives her a rose before she can tell him what suit her dad was buried in. They make out, obvs.

Second Group Date-Til Death Do Us Part

The girls are driven to an abandoned warehouse, a zombie scares them in the limo and they all get the physically closest they will ever be. Chris comes into the limo and everyone screeches and Kelsey cackles and suddenly I hate her just for one laugh. The date consists of shooting Zombies and then finding the beacon of light, video game style. Onion Pomegranate wants to shoot her teammates and everyone is concerned for her having a firearm, as they should be. There’s so much screaming it was like being in a bar with a bunch of woo girls. Onion Pomegranate (OP for short) is shooting zombies who are already dead, just further confirming that she’s unhinged. Then she goes off into OP land and starts rambling about angels and a big boom. Everyone tries way too hard to understand her when they should be ignoring her. Then OP sneaks up on Chris and he treats her like a mental patient who has escaped the psych ward, asking her several times in a slow enunciated tone if she’s okay. She’s not sure what planet she’s on so the producer that is on stand-by in case she slits Chris’s throat drops onion pieces to lead her to bed for the night.

Once the crazy has been tucked in, Britt and Chris share a moment where Britt reiterates that she thinks Chris is her boyfriend and he responds by giving her a coupon for a free kiss. Cause like free displays of affection are an inside joke for them, or Britt’s actual career but whatever. Katelynn and Chris also have some one on one time where Katelynn reveals that she recently dated someone who moved a lot and she decided that she didn’t want to put her life on hold for a guy again…so she promptly put her life on hold for a guy when she joined the Bachelor cast. Makes sense. Katelynn gets the rose and Britt cries herself to sleep because her boyfriend is cheating on her.

Group Social

The betches all gather again in cheap club dresses to edge more time in with Chris before he makes his rose decisions for the night. Whitney surprises Chris with a bottle of liquor, she not so discreetly reminds Chris that her brother in law is from Iowa and gives a toast that’s way too long for someone with an ear shattering voice. KardASHLEY tells Mackenzie she’s a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, Mackenzie is SUUUUUPER jelly and won’t let it go–Probably because a kid walked out of her vagina at the ripe age of 20. KardASHLEY feels the need to see Chris again and let him know that although she hasn’t had sex she can still do OTHER things (wink), she shows Chris her belly button ring with a magic lamp charm and Chris gets three wishes on her trashy piece of jewelry from Spencer Gifts. Chris wishes he could kiss her and has to rub her magic lamp. (That’s the first sentence that I didn’t exaggerate and I wish that I did.) She’s an eat your face kind of kisser and it looks real messy. My money’s on a sex tape before the end of this year from KardASHLEY, for obvious reasons.

Britt may have been the only one who got a written note with Free Kiss, but the rest of the ladies hopped right on that train as Chris tongued every girl in the house. But he’s looking for THE ONE, so it’s okay guys. Jordan the sloppy drunk student wants in on that big spit swap orgy and fixes her lipstick, downs another shot then hits him up for a makeout. She’s this week’s slob kebab and makes everything awkward and then announces that it’s awkward because that’s the quickest way to make it 1000x worse. This is the first time I see Chris turn down a smooch.

Rose Ceremony:

Mackenzie, Megan and Katelynn have roses from before, Britt & KardASHLEY are called next (cause he obviously has them pegged to be polite, chaste ladies who wait until marriage…just kidding these are all the easiest biddies and Prince Farming has some fantasy suite plans in the works). He calls out to Juelia and Jillian/Man Shoulders starts walking. He firmly repeats that he called Juelia and Jillian catches her 6 inch stiletto from Deb on the carpet and almost wipes out. She recovers smoothly by laughing like a maniac while everyone covers their eyes and reveals that if they were her they’d probably just kill themselves. Unfortunately she is also given a rose later on after he makes her sweat it out and question why she ever is allowed out in public. The last person that I recall getting a rose is OP and it literally disgusts me to have to type this. Our very own Prince Farming picked the girl who has multiple personalities and probably mixes vicodin with her gin and tonics every night… clearly just for ratings. If she isn’t out by next week I will sincerely be disappointed in this hunk of man meat.

Tara, Alissa, Jordan, Kimberly are sent home for sure. THE REST IS A BLUR.

Cringeworthy Moment(s) of the Week:

Juelia shares that she has a daughter, Ireland and was married to Ireland’s dad. She then reveals to these women that she doesn’t know at all and are looking for weaknesses to undercut her, that her husband committed suicide right after she had the baby. Juelia is all tears and just wants to find the right moment to unload this all on Chris who will most definitely handle it really well. Samantha the fashion designer stares at Juelia and puts a limp hand on her shoulder to comfort the sobbing girl. And it just felt genuine, you know? Coming in at a close second for most cringeworthy moment is Jordan getting sloppy drunk, twerking on the wall and then going on a tyrant about Jillian’s hairy ass, which makes me wonder how often these girls have seen each other naked in the two days they’ve lived together.

Best Quotes of the Week:

“I know what he means by show me your country and he’s gonna see it” -Tara, most likely referring to the bottle of Jim Beam she has stashed in her bikini top. Girl never rides a tractor without Jim.

“I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”-Megan before her date with Chris and also a not so subtle hint at how she would like her first date with Chris to end. HEYYOOO. K that was dirty. Sorry. Not.

“The most beautiful blue eyes in North America.”-Chris to Megan at their Grand Canyon picnic. He quickly backtracked and was like I mean California, I mean in this Canyon. SMOOOTH lines, Corn Boy.

“Your leather smells really great.”-OP/Ashley S. right before she cut a chunk of Chris’s leather jacket with her switchblade and put it in her secret box underneath her bed full of cat fur and pomegranates.

“We’re all talking about having the same boyfriend.”-Britt as she cries about her boyfriend cheating on her and giving out MAD free kisses.

“I’m never anybody’s number one”-Tara right after she was DUMPED by Chris. Girl, you’ll always have Jim Jack and Johnny. And your sport fishing career.

That’s it for this week! I look forward to more tonsil hockey and monitoring of Ashley S’s meds next week. Until then I leave you with the best picture Google has ever given me for a blog.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

The stakes are high as the first legit awards show of the season and my judgements will be harsh. I make no apologies and must reiterate that I literally know nothing about high fashion and these are all my sassy opinions formed after one glance. I also feel compelled to point out that while these women probably starve themselves 90% of the time in preparation for these few moments walking a red carpet, I am sitting on my couch, unshowered, shoving pizza into my mouth and telling them that they look ugly. All the credibility in the world, obviously.

Worst Dressed:

Alan Cumming in a skin tone suit. Yuck.

Amanda Peet looking like she wrapped herself in a bedsheet. Not flattering.

I guess this is very Bill Murray…slob kebab style.

Claire Danes borrowed her gammy’s dress.

Jemima Kirke looking like she stepped out of the 1990’s, only thing missing is butterfly clips and foam platforms.

Jessica Chastain with untasteful cleavage and gold lamé.

Hey Kate Mara, this could’ve been on the best dressed if you didn’t throw in that stupid belt.

Katie Cassidy leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Do less.

Keira Knightley. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Wins worst look of the night, year, possibly ever.

This is so blah, baggy and unflattering. Also off the shoulder is so 80’s duhz, Kristen Wiig.

This looks like a shitty bridesmaid dress. Also Lena Dunham always looks like frumpmaster frump.

Lorde in the baggy pants suit. (She probably borrowed that crop from her cheerful bestie Tay)

BLAH BLAH BLAH. We all know I think Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like the homely aunt at every public event. (her and Lena must be attending the same wedding circa 1992)

Maria Menunous with boob patterns and slicked back hair.

I read somewhere that Melissa McCarthy recently lost like 50lbs…this outfit does NOT show that. Also, waitress.

Rosamund Pike wearing a spaghetti strap dress that is just too much and makes her look top slops.

Taryn Manning in a literal trash bag.

Cotton Candy nightmare for Zosia Mamet.

Somewhere In Between:

The Clooneys make their red carpet debut and it’s lackluster. The dress is just fine..the gloves are stupid. ARE YOU ABOVE US OR SOMETHING, AMAL?

Is Eddie Redmayne wearing a velvet suit? Kinda lame. His wife’s dress is pretty so that’s how they landed in the middle.

I’ve seen G look fresher. Not cray about the mermaid bottom.

Miss Golden Globe Greer Grammar kind of looks like she bought this from a prom dress store.

Jen!! Hair down. Always.

Meh=Matthew’s scraggly beard, the top half of Camila’s dress.

I truly hate to knock my favorite hosts of all time, but these outfits are not doing it for me. Fingers crossed for some improvements in the many outfit changes during the show.

Best Dressed:

Real Talk: Has Adam Levine ever not looked bangin? Answer: No.

Adrian Grenier owning that plum suit.

Allison Tolman in a tasteful black chic gown.

Red came in hot tonight and Allison Williams looked old Hollywood glam.

Good color, simple and classy.

Not in love with the hair on Anna Kendrick but the dress is on point.

Catherine Zeta Jones in the classic red ball gown.

Hottest couple looking perf.

Anna Faris stepped it up and she’s not even hosting this one. Pratt looks good without trying.

Chrissy Teigen looking like a smoke with a sassy pony.

Dakota Johnson with the classic disco ball dress. Still not hot enough to be in 50 Shades but I digress.

David Oyelowo with a SNAZZY patterned metallic suit.

Pacey and Diane Kruger killing it as always.

Ellie Kemper pulls off the sparkly patterned dress and red lip.

Emily Blunt looks like a greek goddess.

Emmanuelle Chiriqui legit does not age.

Gina Rodriguez from the CW show I thought would be cancelled, loving the fringey bottom of the basic black.

JLo still on a mission to remind everyone that she may be 45 but she sure don’t look it. Legs and tits for days.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, another one who never looks her age.

I respect the hell out of this NYE party frock.

Kate Beckinsale almost won fave look of the night but the bun didn’t complete the look for me.

KATE HUDSON. BOOB. JOB. SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE.

COULD KATHERINE HEIGL BE SKINNIER? DAMN.

Katie Holmes looks like she did in the Dawson’s finale and I LOVE it.

I hate this dress so much that I love it. I can’t even explain that.

Good color on Leslie Mann.

Lupita kills red carpets. Always on fleek (the kids are saying that these days…)

Mouth wateringly handsome. ALWAYS. Bomer jams. Amirite?!

Naomi Watts with a super cool snake necklace and another great yellow.

Natasha Lyonne doing simple and elegant.

Hate the hair, love the dress.

Red sweeping the red carpet. No coincidence.

And naturally the most coveted of honors-the winner of my fave look of the night is… A TIE.

NEVER though my fave look would be a jumpsuit but I LOVE this look, even the capey thing in the back. Emma Stone kept it simple with jewels and hair and let the sparkle top do the talkin.

Reese Witherspoon had a big year with films and looks GR8 in this simple slimming gown. Less is more (also can you tell I’m into the sparkles?)

Television

Golden Globes Recap

Did I have unreasonably high expectations for this year’s Golden Globes because Amy and Tina have killed it for two years now? Yes, yes I did. I poured myself a tall glass of wine (red…because I’m an adult now) and settled in for some LOL’s with people I pretend are my close friends. I’m gonna have to admit that the monologue was funny with some jokes that crushed it, but overall I don’t think this was their best one. Probably because it was their last and they mailed it in but let’s break it down.

The Monologue:

The focus of their jokes right off the bat were North Korea, unfortunately but at least they got a few jabs at the shitty movie that started this drama “The Interview”, Amy thanked North Korea for “forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.” While discussing the big movies up for awards, Amy & Tina pointed out that there was a live painting of Big Eyes in the audience as the camera panned to Emma Stone. Emma proved to be the good sport of this year’s awards and hammed it up, taking the joke like a champ. The gals explain what cake is to the starving actresses of Hollywood and say that it’s something women who admit that they have aged get on their birthday. It wouldn’t be an awards show without mention of Clooney and his new other half, Tina lists all of Amal’s impressive accomplishments and then knocks Clooney because HE’S the one receiving a lifetime achievement award. Since these two goons have been friends for “50 years”, they play their fave game Who Would You Rather with celebs and it’s perfect and full of sex puns. Amy picking Mark Ruffalo and saying “I like it ruffalo” for the win. The Theory of Everything is summed up in one sentence by Amy, “A crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.” Who doesn’t love that? Then we get into some Bill Cosby rape jokes, which apparently made everyone uncomfy but I thought it was hilarious. Describing Into the Woods, “Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.” followed by Tina and Amy doing their best Bill Cosby impressions was probably the highlight of the whole monologue. I can always get down with offensive jokes. They wrapped it up with a little call and response cheer with the crowd and I still want to be friends with them a whole lot. (Watch Full Monologue here)

Highs:

-On the E! Red Carpet when both Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic couldn’t find their chill around Amal & Clooney. Ryan debuted a stupid shirt that said Game Over with a bride and groom and said it was Clooney’s wedding gift. Giuliana tried to get them to do a tequila shot with her and they were both like no thanks and she took one anyway and was super concerned afterward that Clooney still liked her. Slobberfest.

-The tables at the awards are basically on top of each other and watching women in heels maneuver that like a maze, especially when coming from the cheap seats in the back was entertaining.

-Either the A/C wasn’t working or everyone there had the liquor sweats because the shine factor was 1 billion and it was great seeing all those hours of glam squad go to waste. They literally showed someone paper toweling their face at one point.

-Apparently Jen Aniston almost flashed her RB curtains while getting up to present the first award but I wasn’t paying attention so basically it didn’t happen.

-JLo and Jeremy Renner present an award together and Jenny from tha block asks Jeremy if she should open the envelope because she has the nails (obv.) and Renner quips “You’ve got the globes too.” ZINGGGG. JLo looked offended and uncomfy but like you don’t almost show nip and then act surprised when someone calls you out for it. Own it gurl.

– Matthew Bomer wins for The Normal Heart (I SAW THIS!!!) and thanks his husband and kids and apologizes for being a grumpy bitch who weighed LESS THAN ME when he watched them eat pizza while preparing for this role. Also I drooled the whole time he was onstage.

-“Famous people are above the law, as it should be.”-Ricky Gervais

-Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader present Best Screenplay and botch famous movie quotes with terrible impressions. They’re basically just goofing together with funny voices and I literally cannot get enough of it. This makes up for the shitty North Korea never-ending joke. (Watch Here)

-Clooney crushed his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement award, making it obvious why everyone constantly slobbers all over him. Best moments include: “Now that we’ve all been hacked, we can apologize face to face for all the snarky things we said”, “80% of the people in this room don’t win and then you’re a loser.”(he points out that everyone there is awesome and amazing and if you’re not there you actually are a loser), “It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love. Amal, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.” This time she wasn’t blabbing and was actually paying attention, which was nice.

-John Legend & Common win for Best Original Song and are giving a touching speech about how relevant the movie Selma is, they show Chrissy Teigen in the crowd with frozen cry face. Twitter was ALL over that. Obviously so was Chrissy and she defended herself by saying she doesn’t practice her cry face.

-Ruth Wilson wins for best actress in The Affair and thanks a co-star by saying, “Your ass is something of great beauty.” Brits make swearwords sound so elegant and I’m supes jelly.

-I’m 99% sure that Julianne Moore madeout with Matthew McConaughey when she accepted her award.

-Eddie Redmayne wins best Actor for Theory of Everything and shouts it out to his fresh wife in his acceptance speech, they’re honeymooning at the Globes. Ah, young Hollywood love, how adorbsies.

-Jared Leto with the man braid, completely upstaging his previously famous man bun.

Lows:

-Amy & Tina do a North Korea bit with Margaret Cho as a North Korean and its suuuuper racist and just as played out as the Pizza joke of last year’s Oscars.

-The stars of Fifty Shades of Grey present an award together and have about as much chemistry as two pieces of bread.

-Prince presents best original song and never fails to creep me the F out. He’s wearing a gold textured suit with cane and signature circle colored sunglasses aka the product of my nightmares. The crowd loses their shit for him though, apparently he’s really loved.

-Katherine Heigl tried out some internet dating jokes about the male nominees with David Duchovny and I could actually hear the crickets. It’s become comical how much Hollywood hates her.

-Julianna Marguiles & Don Cheadle present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Clooney, compete who is better friends with him. It’s pretty awkward and apparently Amal, her highness agrees cause she gets caught yapping away during their “speech”. The following montage makes me realize I’ve seen like two things Clooney is in, which is pretty embarrassing on my part.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal wins and is soooo boring and blaaaahhh and talks about what turns her on and the only thing that makes this speech worth watching is because they show Jake in the audience a whole lot.

-Michael Keaton wins best actor for Birdman and catches a case of the rambles and also a case of the cries as he talks about his best friend and barely chokes out that it’s his son. Also gives us a full family history and his name is actually Michael Douglas? Did I hear that right or did I doze off during this four hour speech? Feel free to correct me if you stayed awake.

-The Globes are known as the most fun awards show because the booze is flowing and yet no one got sloppy drunk and embarrassed themselves or slurred a funny speech. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Full List of Winners:

Best Supporting Actor-JK Simmons, Whiplash

Best Supporting Actress in TV-Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Best Miniseries/TV Movie-Fargo

Best Actor in Miniseries-Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Best Actress in TV- Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

Best Comedy- Transparent

Best Original Score-Johann Johannsson, Theory of Everything

Best Original Song- Glory- Common, John Legend (Selma)

Best Supporting Actor Miniseries, TV Movie- Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Best Actress in Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical)- Amy Adams, Big Eyes

Best Animated Film-How to Train Your Dragon 2

Best Supporting Actress in Motion Picture- Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Best Screenplay- Birdman (buncha foreigners)

Best Actor in Comedy, Musical TV- Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Foreign Language Film-Leviathan, Russia

Actress Miniseries/Movie- Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honourable Woman

Best TV series/Drama- The Affair

Actor TV Series, Drama- Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Cecil B. DeMille Award- Clooney

Best Director of Motion Picture- Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Best Actress, TV Series-Drama-Ruth Wilson, The Affair

Best Actor, Motion Picture Comedy or Musical- Michael Keaton, Birdman

Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical- The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Actress in Motion Picture, Drama-Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Actor in Motion Picture, Drama- Eddie Redmayne, Theory of Everything

Best Motion Picture, Drama- Boyhood

See ya for the Oscars betchezzzzzz.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Category Archives: Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Just A Scratch”

The Bachelor- A Date Made for Bimbos, A Show Made For Bimbos

SAG Awards Red Carpet & Recap

TBT- Lizzie McGuire

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

The Bachelor- The One Where Jimmy Kimmel Makes it Watchable

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Live and Learn”

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

Golden Globes Recap