The time has come. ABC has spoken and Nashville is dunzo. IT’S ALL OVER CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Okay sorry. If that sounded celebratory it’s because it 100% WAS. When your show goes off the rails, has storylines a monkey could write and becomes a chore to watch, it’s time to get the ax and I’m just glad that ABC finally saw that. What once was a show with phenomenal music and spicy love triangles turned into predictable garbage and I think this is the proper time to bid it farewell. Especially now that everyone is in a position to get back togets and love each other for a life that’s good. (Except Maddie, YIKES.) I’m going to promptly ignore the desperate pleas of the cast/fans to get it picked up somewhere else like Hulu or Netflix because after next week, Nashville is dead to me.

Moving on from the good word and onto last night’s episode where they decided to add fuel to the already flaming dumpster fire by creating a cameo from the ear-shattering cast of The View. Luke makes yet another appearance to wave that rainbow flag while Will sits at home with his feet up, chatting with daddy. The dramatics continue when Luke finds out Colt got jumped at boot camp because of the gay pride tour Luke has been on lately. Except it turns out that Colt actually threw the first punch because he was defending dear ole dad. Back in Nashville, a gay guy hides in the shadows at Will’s house to confrontationally tell him that Will’s coming out made him comfortable in his own skin. This seems like an aggressive thing to do just to encourage someone to speak up. Either way, it works and Will is like k I’m ready to talk about being gay now. ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Red AKA Autumn Chase is going to see her BFF Elton John perform in Boston and poaches Gunnar for the trip while Scarlett the little Dutch boy (that hat though) goes to shoot a solo commercial in Chicago. Gunnar sings with Elton onstage and Scarlett has a super d33p convo with the pushy photographer. On what planet does a photographer hired for a shoot kick everyone out and sit down with the subject for therapy? Anyway, after their chat Scarlett boohoos real hard and we get a quick flashback of early Scarnnar days when they were just babies making beautiful music and lovin all up on each other. This forces Scarlett to admit that she loves Gunnar rriiiiiighhhtttt about the same time that Gunnar bangs Autumn “can’t take a hint” Chase because he felt guilty taking all her celeb favors for free.

In other, couples that should be together and will be by the series finale news, Avery and Juliette are slowly finding out that their flings are stupid. Layla and Avery are acting couply as shit, which is pretty vomit inducing. Until Avery sees that Noah West has stopped by Juliette’s for the evening and he gets jelly belly of Noah playing dad to his demon child. Stressed about it, he nearly saunters offstage at the FAKE Bluebird mid-performance to answer his cell when he sees that Juliette’s calling.

Juliette and Noah go on their first “date”, which consists of taking care of an infant that screams every time two adults try to kiss and then watching Tommy Boy. Noah thinks Tommy Boy is the worst movie ever and Juliette loves it so she breaks up with him because they have NOTHING in common. At least she gave him a fair shot.

And lastly, Deacon and Rayna are in couples therapy cause they’re DYSFUNCTIONAL AF. Rayna doesn’t really care about fixing her relationship with Deacon; she just wants Maddie back as she cuddles in Maddie’s bed clutching a framed picture of her like she’s dead. You know, real healthy stuff. In their own bed later, Rayna and Deacon touch hands so THEY’RE TOTES BACK TOGETS AND NO PROBLEMS HERE, YO! Tune in next week for the grand finale! Will Maddie come back or is she gone 2 soon? Is Teddy still rotting in prison? Will we get the ghost of Jeff Fordham? Or will we just get a really schmaltzy episode of their best duets and everyone reuniting to live happily ever after in Music City?

Everyone sucked this week. Cash and Frankie sucked for being the worst characters ever, Maddie sucked for taking insufferable teen to an all-time peak, and Deacon sucked for having no self control over his hulk-like tendencies.

But first, and most hilariously, Juliette is nominated for an Oscar and now we KNOW we’re watching fictional television. To make it even less believable, the second the words come out of the announcer’s mouth, her phone starts ringing off the hook. Ok. When she calls Avery to tell him, it just so happens that he’s in bed with Layla and she chooses that exact moment in time to murmur sweet nothings next to the phone so that Juliette then finds out what’s going down. I wrote last week that Emily dropping that baby off said it all, but apparently Juliette’s a little slower on the uptake.

Same with Layla, who realizes that maybe Avery still loves Juliette because he peaces up outta there like the bed is on fire, giving Layla a gentle pat on the back as a thank you for the pork sesh. What a gent. Unfortunately for all of us, they have an adult conversation later (that Juliette spies on) and decide that even though Avery’s exit the morning after was preeetttyy insensitive, they should give this thing a shot. And Juliette decides to act maturely (why?) and tell Layla the truth about Jeff–they both cry but they’re still enemies in love with the same soul patch wimpster. Juliette also wishes aforementioned wimpster happiness. I’m guessing she understands what we all do, which is that Layla and Avery are a flash in the pan and will be broken up by series end. I’m saying series because I’m hoping, nay praying that this season will be the series finale.

In other news, Will gets some radio play and then gets shampoo in his eyes. And that’s the most difficult problem he has to face this episode. Just kidding, the world attacks him again for being gay and points the finger at Luke for having an agenda and trying to tell the American people what to feel. I think that’s what they were saying. I tuned out because it’s a repetitive story line. Either way, Luke is appearing left and right waving the rainbow flag while Will sits at home and wah-wahs again.

Speaking of ruining a good thing, Scarlett & Gunnar are in post-coital glow for about five minutes until the Rolling Stone reporter asks a bunch of questions about their history and digs up all their old shit. By the end of the episode, they’re barely speaking and are back to being “just the Exes.” Okay, you two, thanks for participating in will they or won’t they, we’ll see you in the same place next week.

And finally, onto all the people who suck. Maddie thinks being an adult is pulling your loose mermaid waves into an updo and donning a paisley smoking jacket, apparently. At the hearing for her emancipation, she pulls out the big guns and testifies that she doesn’t feel safe living in the same house as Deacon. Deacon is then called to the stand to testify on all of the people he’s beaten or killed in his lifetime (no biggie) all mouth-pieced from Frankie the jelly belly, who smugly watches from the back of the courthouse with his stupid tall hair. On what planet is it appropriate for a man over the age of 40 to have a pompadour? Don’t answer that. Cash should be embarrassed, especially if she’s trying to become famous.

After day one of court, Rayna sobs in Maddie’s bed and meanwhile Deacon goes to chitchat with Frankie and ends up getting framed for beating his ass when Frankie the turd threw the first punch. PS Kelsea Ballerini sings Peter Pan and she’s awesome and all, but those few minutes when Frankie is hamming it up with his customers and singing along to her song were some of the funniest in this show’s history. Deacon’s seething at him from the corner of the bar and Frankie’s doling out hugs and swaying to a teen country star’s song about her ex boyfriend. All the awards for that performance.

Then he ends up in the hospital with a broken nose and rib, and Deacon ends up in the slammer. I wonder if he’s near Teddy? Congrats Maddie on having both your dads in the big house. Rayna visits Deacon in jail and reminds him how G-D stupid he is. Ugh they’ve been married for 5 whole minutes do we really need to break them up this early? In Nashville plot, the answer is always yes. In the end, Maddie is granted emancipation and I’ve never felt the urge to punch a character in the face more. Especially when Cash hugs her and says “WE DID IT!” Cash you thirsty MF’er. You and Frankie with the erect hair need to GTFO. And that’s that.

Since I definitely lost sleep over whether or not our new minor character that’s only been in like 2 episodes is okay, let’s get this right out of the way. Riff told his wife he’ll be home when he’s “good and ready”, which is a mature adult thing to do. Then he’s admitted to a hospital for having a stroke, as a result of days of boozing, pills, Viagra, and sex. And the cherry on top of the disgusting sundae that is Riff’s extracurriculars, he was found and brought to the hospital by an escort. Well, well, looks like the family man and hot dad has a darker than drunk Deacon side to him. All because of tour life. SO I guess he’s out!

The Exes are still IN on tour with that devious AF country singer. New revelation: Autumn’s neighbor is James Taylor, of course and she uses it to lure Gunnar like she’s driving by a bunch of kids with a free candy van. Gunnar is like I LOVE JAMES TAYLOR and then she’s like k come BY YOURSELF and he realizes there’s a potential rape in the mix and says no thank you. Was that too aggressive to compare Autumn to a chomo? Probably. Do I care? Never. She also buddies up to Scarlett for a little spa day and so Gunnar’s like k, everyone’s friends so I guess it’s okay if I go to Autumn’s hotel room by myself.

Don’t call it a comeback but Juliette has breakfast with Glenn and Emily (because she pays them to be around her at all times) and she’s like, GANG’S ALL BACK TOGETHER! Avery decides to be bandleader to Layla’s tour and she promptly inserts her lips to his ass and gives him her bedroom on the tour bus, complete with crib. Except since Riff is now unconscious or whatever (some people just can’t handle strippers&blow, amirite?) there’s a headlining spot on the tour open, so Juliette obviously adds herself to the bill and is like hey ya’ll I’m BACK FO REALZ. LoVe TrIaNgLe.

Ya boy Will is having some love troubles surfing Grinder because he’s jelly AF that Kevin has been sharing Pinot with another man. He doesn’t have to swipe right for long because lo and behold there’s some man candy in his backup singers crew who won’t stop drooling over him. Obviously in cringeworthy events he invites him out for a beer thinking it’s a date and this guys is straight AF. LoLz dating faux pas. Backup singer also offers to hook Will up with his gay cousin, what a gent. And also kind of a moron. “Hey I know a gay person, you should mate!”

And last but certainly not least, Maddie’s such a wild child and a bad gurrrrl that she snuck right on out of the house before she could be punished for sexing it up onstage and getting a creeptastic leg caress. AND DAPHNE BLAMES HERSELF. That sweet, sweet cherub. Rayna rolls into Cash’s place guns blazing looking for Maddie and Cash is like check this out your hubs is SO aggressive and conveniently pulls up a quick vid. Rayna tosses her hair and tells Cash to suck it, or at least she should have because Cash deserves a good SUCK IT. After Rayna leaves Maddie comes out of her hiding place, how she could have ever hidden in time when Rayna rolled up that quick is TV MAGIC. Maddie wails about how her parents JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HER and Cash is like k but your mom gave you a record deal… So the two of them put their idiot teenager heads together and decide to get Maddie emancipated so she can sign with Sony, become a preteen super star and shave her head/have a drug addiction by 18. Even better, Maddie’s probably going to live with Cash who’s like obsessed with her or something. Gr8 plan!!! But like, maybe if Deacon weren’t such an angry elf this all wouldn’t have happened.

PS- total props for the Thomas Rhett cameo of singing the most romantic adorbsies song ever. Kind of makes up for all the name drops they throw around and don’t follow through on. Kind of.