This tweet sums up last night as a whole. It is NEVER necessary for the Bachelor to be 3 hours long, especially not when it’s the worst season that’s ever aired on TV. And while I’m ranting, WTF APRIL?! HAVE YOUR G-D BABY. Three weeks is FAR too long for us all to watch you eat hay, shit and nap (see Corinne, giraffes nap too!) GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD.

But anyway, let’s pick up with Raven who high fives strangers and skips around Finland to a poppy soundtrack after she O’s. Or that’s what the producers would like us to believe. There’s no WAY Nick got the job done. And while we’re on the topic of Nick, let’s discuss how stupid he looks in a winter hat. With the baby hairs sticking out the front and the way it sits half on/half off his head, he looks like a real wiener. These girls have to be drying up just at the sight of winter Nick.

Rachel

Rachel is falling in love with Nick but cannot be trusted with her judgement because she’s wearing a crop top in Finland. Rachel asks Nick, “ do you know where you stand with me?” and Nick says “not entirely” so they’re really in sync as a couple. She tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he says 100% samesies. No seriously, he used the FULL percentage in reciprocation. Seems like a pretty dumb thing to do with someone that you’re OBVIOUSLY sending home. So he’s continuing his streak of blind sighting girls. They spend the night togets and obv Rachel makes herself vulnerable (wink, wink). She also doesn’t take her choker off when she sleeps which is CRAZY. Who can sleep in a choker? These are the biggest things I took away from this date. Penguin onesie and CHOKER.

Vanessa

Vanessa & Nick wear matching icy blue swimwear and do a polar plunge basically in a little pool outside a cabin. Sounds ssssssuper fun. Nick spazzes out all over the joint and looks like an R-worded dinosaur once they get back inside to warm up. Then they do it again. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS DATE? If anyone ever suggested this as a date to me I’d be outta there. Vanessa’s really getting shafted on this show. Plus she has to look at Nick’s stupid winter hat situation for the entire time. They hit the hot tub to warm up and ask each other if they’ll last after this show. The answer is an obvious no. Nick will not leave this country to live with Vanessa and her tight-wad family. Why? Because he’s proud to be an American. Barf all over me. Now that Nick’s faced with the decision of moving to another country for a girl he doesn’t love, suddenly he’s Uncle Sam. Okkkkk. Shit starts to get too real too quick so Nick keeps telling Vanessa that they’re just too similar, which is a bitch ass way of saying that he doesn’t see a future with her because later on he says hopefully we can “figure it out and accept our differences.” HOW CAN YOU HAVE DIFFERENCES IF YOU’RE SO SIMILAR? HMMMMM, NICK? Riddle me that.

Rose Ceremony

Nick cries big sloppy wet tears because that’s what he does best and sends Rachel packing. Could’ve done without this tearful goodbye, tbh considering we know Rachel will be just fine. She’ll have her tongue in 26 other guys’ mouths in no time. Time and tongueing other men on TV heals all wounds, is what I always like to say.

WOMEN TELL ALL

I’ve always loved the concept of the Women Tell All epi because what could be greater TV than tossing angry, rejected women into one room and then trotting out the man who dumped them? Unfortunately, it can also be a disaster in the form of catty bitches just shouting at each other about one little thing, Housewives reunion style. That was the case this time around with the Taylor vs. Corinne saga. And let me be very clear, I’m #TeamCorinne. Everything else is white noise–like for example Elizabeth and Lacey, who painted on their best faces and showed up ready to yap at every opportunity. Who are either of these ladies? The world may never know.

Hey does everyone remember Liz, who slept with Nick then surprised him on the show and he didn’t remember sleeping with her? Well she took last night as an opportunity to get up on her soapbox to tell everyone that it doesn’t matter who you bang in your past, it shouldn’t define you. Which, like, true, but not necessary to make a feminist manifest over slutty drunk wedding sex. Also, you still have a tattoo that takes up your ENTIRE back. People don’t forget.

Taylor then takes a page out of Liz’s book and declares that people in the helping profession shouldn’t be shamed for helping people. WHAT? Everyone basically boos her off the stage. Corinne gets up mid- Taylor sob sesh to get herself a cold glass of champs. Amen, sistah.

After Corinne is properly hydrated, her and Taylor have a LITERAL battle to the death of who napped and when and how long their nap was and did they have a blanket and I want to drill a hole in my skull. Corinne would just like everyone to know that she was fucking tired. Same, girl. Same. I’m especially tired of Chris Harrison repeatedly asking Taylor why she’s getting emotional and her response being “I’m just so overwhelmed.” Maybe if you didn’t act like such a seaward everyone wouldn’t overwhelmingly hate you. Then the audience is treated to Raquel’s cheese pasta, which spoiler alert: is  just plain pasta with shredded cheese on it. I would’ve put that directly in the trash where it belongs. There’s only one cheese pasta that’s acceptable and it’s called Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (SHAPES ONLY).

Kristina gets the “hot seat” to re-tell her story that we just watched in full in a recap and Liz rips that spotlight away immediately by sobbing in her chair and turning it into another feminist rant. Liz would like us all to stop fighting about naps and think about how Kristina could have been forced into prostitution. Again, valid point but like stfu, Liz. Let Kristina tell her story. We get it, you’re all friends except for Taylor and Corinne and Liz would like us to know that she builds wells in foreign countries instead of sleeping with bachelor contestants at a made for TV wedding. (Don’t think I didn’t notice how you had one of the other girls slide that factoid in, LIZ.)

Finally Lispy comes out IN THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR and Lacey wants to know why he only talked about Josephine when he was with her. WAS HE FRIEND ZONING HER? Lacey, he had no idea who you are, just like the rest of us and if he chose to talk about the girl dressed as Sarah from Hocus Pocus while on a date with you then you need to reevaluate your life.

DLo still isn’t over being dumped and “asks a question” aka just sobs and says it was unfair how Nick broke up with her. I mean, Nick is quite literally the worst at dumping girls but realistically what did these B’s expect? He says sorry (ish) and everyone pets DLo so she stops crying so much.

Rachel comes out and everyone praises her as the new Bachelorette and I actually fell asleep when she was talking. Next season should be F-U-N! Here’s to another 3 hours down the drain next weeeeeekkkkk weeeowwwwweeeowwwwwweeeeeee!

(I think I’m getting Bach delirious.) Also, Rachel if you’re going to be the next Bachelorette you’re going to have to do better than an awkward one sleeve dress. PUH-LEASE.

Three minutes in and Nick is shedding all sorts of man tears, which really sets the tone for this stupid episode. All anyone cared about is meeting Raquel. The rest was white noise.

Hoxie, Arkansas with Raven

Raven brings Nick up to the top of a water tower and the big, bad, Hoxie police roll up to do a really shitty job of pretend reprimanding them. Nick straight shits his pants and obviously the cop is Raven’s brother. Don’t quit your day job, bruh. That acting was EMBARRASSING. After Nick finishes cleaning up the big dump in his pants from being scolded by a cop, they go four wheeling so that they can lay in a muddy, murky wetland DEFINITELY full of snakes and writhe on each other.

Later, Raven’s parents announce that her dad is cancer free and Nick awkwardly claps and has all the uncomfies. Raven cries, and gives a written speech. Nick SHOCKINGLY doesn’t cry. So to reiterate, the blowing of a breeze makes Nick sob but hearing happy news and seeing everyone emotional=his eyes are the Sahara desert. I don’t have anything to say about this boring ass home visit other than her accent makes me want to hang myself.

Texas with Rachel

Right off the bat Rachel hauls Nick to a gospel church where the reverend introduces Nick as her boyfriend. He is the only white in that church, which has roughly 14 people in it. So obviously faith is important in Texas. Nick says he’s very comfortable in a place of worship, which seems weird for someone who bangs girls on TV.

At home, everyone wants to know if Nick has ever dated a black girl before. I want to know if Constance is aware that her husband is gay. I’m genuinely surprised that this goon doesn’t tell Nick there’s only room for one white in this family after he points out that Nick is in fact, WHITE. WHO KNEW?!

The rest of the date is a bunch of interracial couple chat and Rachel’s mom using the term “elephant in the room” way too much. The only real elephant in this room is THE FACT THAT RACHEL HAS ALREADY BEEN ANNOUNCED AS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE AND THEREFORE CANNOT WIN AND THEREFORE IS WASTING OUR G-D TIME.

Miami, FL with Corinne

Corinne takes Nick shopping so we can have a 90’s dressing room montage via Rodeo Drive. If only they also played this jam.

They’re going to take everything because Corinne owns a multi-million dollar business DUHHHHHH. After treating Nick to $3000 worth of deep V’s and short shorts, Corinne tells Nick she loves him. He responds with his tongue.

FINALLY we get to set our peepers on the highly critically acclaimed RAQUEL. Corinne tells her family that everyone razzes her about having a nanny. Quick to come to her defense, Corinne’s mom says that she couldn’t do a lot of things without Raquel rrrriiiiiight as Raquel hands her a glass of wine. Mama needs her juice and she’s NOT about to pour that shit herself! In a shocking turn of events, Raquel is allowed to sit at the dinner table with them. Wowowowow. She really IS part of the family!!! In other character news, Corinne’s dad is straight out of Goodfellas complete with the open shirt to show off the chest music and a gold chain. Corinne and daddy lay on the bed together to catch up, you know, because that’s not weird. They chitchat about how Corinne told Nick she loves him because they’ve been dating for a whole month and that’s basically an eternity in Corinne’s love life. Daddy asks if Corinne would be comfortable making all the money in their relationship or if she thinks Nick can provide for her. Corinne being the breadwinner in any relationship is downright terrifying. Does this mean she’ll be booking more 2Chainz music video cameos so she can afford to buy Nick all of the overpriced pastel tees in the world? One can only dream.

Nick gets real with Raquel while Corinne and Daddy talk business in bed. I wish I could tell you what Nick and Raquel talked about but there was a REAL language barrier here and it would’ve been an ideal time to slap some subtitles on the screen for those of us at home. I’m pretty sure Raquel gave Nick her blessing, which is only the HIGHEST of honors. Papa goombah then gives Nick some aged scotch that he probably took one sniff of and had to fight back tears as they talk about life, love, and the thumb grip on a rocks glass.

Montreal with Vanessa

Vanessa brings Nick to her “job” at a “school” where she forces her students to make a scrapbook of pictures of her and Nick. Yeah, ok. I can be a teacher too! Hey kids, I just moved into a new apartment and I’ll need help hanging my wall decor. Come on over and do it for me, I mean, learn about carpentry and interior design! Obviously Vanessa wears leather pants, a fur vest and a lace up top with her tits out to work everyday*.

*when she pretends to work at a school and cameras follow her there.

Nick meets Vanessa’s mom’s side of the fam later, who clearly need to prove that they’re Italian by serving manicotti and shouting MANGIAMO before sitting down. Vanessa’s family is going through a real identity crisis with their languages. They use cliché Italian words, her gremlin little bro has a French accent, and her sister has a Canadian accent. FIGURE IT OUT. Pick one accent and stick with it. Vanessa’s sister tearfully threatens Nick and everyone seems a little too overbearing and judgmental of Nick and Vanessa as a couple. It’s almost as if Vanessa hasn’t told them that she’s just doing this to advance her acting career and it doesn’t matter if Nick doesn’t want to move to Canada.

At Vanessa’s dad’s house, there’s more drama because of Nick’s go-to move this episode, which might be worse than Higgins telling two girls he loved them. Instead of waiting until the end to ask each girl’s dad for his blessing, Nick decides to throw Bach rules out the window and ask every single dad. It’s a snake move, which we should expect nothing less from the snakiest Bachelor whose engagement won’t extend past the season finale of the show. He’s just keeping his options open of course. Instead of pigeonholing with one dad’s permish, midas whale take a poll and see which one reacts the best. I know if a stranger came to meet my dad and immediately asked “if this relationship were to progress and I maybe felt like proposing to your daughter, would you be kewl with that?” Den would be like SOLDDDD! Every happiness to ya both.

Either way, Vanessa’s dad wasn’t sold and he immediately narc’ed to his daughter that Nick’s asking this question of every dad, which makes Vanessa feel like a piece of trash blowing in the wind. She decides that she needs to talk to Nick about this…next week of course because we’re back to this “to be continued” bullshit. Also next week: Andi makes a sorpresa scripted viz because her book sales are dropping. Does it sound like I’m over this season or am I doing a good job of masking my disappointment? Don’t answer that.

Let me kick this bitch right off by saying that I knew this show was a crock of shit, but I don’t need to be hit over the head with it every time I watch. For example, if you announce the next Bachelorette before she’s even bumped off the show WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO WATCH ANYTHING SHE DOES ON THE SHOW KNOWING THAT SHE’S NOT GOING TO BE PICKED? I’m fired up and I’m not sorry bout it. This season has been so heavily produced that it has turned into an outrageously boring show. Nick cries, a couple of actresses cry, nobody does anything. There you have it, I’ve summed up every ‘sode this season. But since I’m not a quitter…let’s break down how Nick pretended he is one.

Nick doesn’t even shed his white Keds for a daunt on the beach with Chris Harrison where he says he doesn’t think he could possibly go on being the Bachelor. Chris Harrison, rocking the beachy casj, nods and stares at Nick, as one does to a child when you want them to work themselves through a fit. At the same time, the girls who are too heartbroken for Nick to even put on a stitch of makeup, cry at the house and wonder what their life will be like when this show ends. A lot of Instagram ads, ladies. A LOT. Dramatic music plays AAAAANNNDDD Nick decides to stay after all, because like he’s under contract. The reward for making this fake decision is a trip to another island. And more Nick man thigh.

Let’s Go Deeper…with Vanessa

Nick tells Vanessa he feels like he knows her but at the same time he like, doesn’t know. Deep. Vanessa likes making out with Nick under water. Corinne feels like there’s nothing deep about Vanessa other than her special ed job (aspiring actress) and her Italian family. This is funny coming from Corinne because she’s a shallow dumbass who once starred in a rap video heavily medicated. Are you following?

Later, Vanessa tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and he diplomatically responds with “I really, really like you.” I’m glad someone learned a lesson from that dopey Snuffleupagus otherwise known as Ben Higgins. Probably the first smart thing Nick’s done all season. Vanessa’s feelings are hurt because she doesn’t know how this show works.

Let’s Jump In with Both Feet First with Corinne, Kristina & Raven

Corinne and Kristina compete to be the hottest yacht hoe. They both slow strip tease but Nick chooses Kristina to give the ole sunscreen rubdown so Corinne almost hurls herself into shark-infested waters. My favorite thing about this date is the girls leaving their hair down and then being forced to casually prevent it from attacking their face while also looking sexy. Kristina cries because she’s afraid of sharks and Nick comforts her obviously. That’s what you get when you come to live life in color, BITCH! (I’m sorry. I think my Bach bitterness is getting out of hand. I’ve got nothing against Kristina, I’m irrationally taking out my anger on her.)

Corinne, still mad about watching Kristina get suntan lotion fingerblasted, decides to get all sorts of F’ed up for the nighttime date. I’m guessing Nick isn’t into his ladies having bloodshot eyes so he talks to Kristina first. He cries and at this point I don’t even know why. It’s just his thing. Corinne eats a buttload of cheese and adopts a new insufferable habit of referring to herself in the third person. In one of the weirdest and creepiest moves of the night Nick rebounds from crying straight to asking Raven if she calls her dad “DADDY.” WHAT. Raven answers yes and therefore she gets the rose.

Let’s Ride Off into the Sunset Together with Danielle

Danielle says she misses riding a bike and Nick replies, “yeah it’s just like a swing.” What…on this planet…makes a bike and a swing similar?  They interrupt their bikeride to stop and play pickup basketball with a bunch of kids. I’m REAL mad at those little shits for not boo’ing Nick directly off the court for trying to ball out in that outfit. White boy CAN’T jump. Anyway, turns out Danielle’s a real dud and they can’t find anything to talk about other than bikes being like swings…and how they’re both just two Wisconsin kids who immediately moved to other places and tried to be famous. Since this date is like watching Wisconsin cheese age, Nick cuts his losses with whispery Danielle (who also might DEFINITELY be on drugs.) Danielle declares that she’s not good enough and the camera zooms in on her top notch wedgie as she stands up to leave. Cameraman done you dirty, Danielle. Farewell to you and your bunched undies.

And the moment we’ve all been waiting for since they teased it roughly 6 weeks ago…Corinne gets her platinum vageen on and rolls up to Nick’s hotel room (not looking her best might I add) and they close the door to the bedroom. Nick goes “what did you have in mind?” like a WIENER. I think she came over with no underwear on to play Parcheesi, Nick. EYE. ROLL. But then he says no means no, cause you know, rehabbing the image. Corinne wobbles out on her Bambi legs and gets confused about where to exit. She JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE!

Let’s Get a Taste of the Local Flavor with Rachel

They hang out and talk about how Rachel’s never brought a white guy home to meet the fam before. I ignore this entire date because it doesn’t matter now that Rachel has been officially announced as the Bachelorette in one of ABC’s DUMBEST PR moves ever.

Either way, in the end Nick cries some more to Chris Harrison then sends Kristina packing. Solid grace period to wait a week after a girl tells you she grew up an orphan who ate lipstick to survive before dumping her. Gear up for next week where we meet the infamous Raquel and Raven’s DADDY. Wink.